


All the hues of blue

by FalseDevotion



Series: All the Hues of Blue [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Astrophysicist!Calum, Christmas, Fluff, Happy Ending, Loss and Love, M/M, Nurse!Ashton, Rating May Change, i now realize i should've added that last tag sooner oops, in the end?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-09-02 00:29:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 172,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalseDevotion/pseuds/FalseDevotion
Summary: “My favourite is Blue Christmas.” Calum said quietly, eyes trained on the box, apparently fascinated by the array of Christmas decorations inside it.“Isn’t that song kind of sad?”“Isn’t 'kind of sad’ the definition of Christmas?”OrSometimes a casual encounter can help you see everything in a different colour.





	1. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Really hope you enjoy this ride! 
> 
> ______________________  
> I don't think this is needed but just in case: I explicitely do not give permission for anyone to post or reproduce this work, or create derivative content based on this elsewhere.

“ _It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas_.”

“Oh no.” Luke's annoyed face only spurred Ashton on.

“ _Everywhere you go.”_

“Please no.” The absolute look of terror.

“ _Take a look in the five and ten, glistening once again.”_

“I hate you.” The resignation.

“ _With candy canes and sil–”_

 _“_ It's fucking November the first.”

“– _ver lanes aglow.”_ Ashton finished singing as if he hadn't even noticed Luke's protests. He didn't mind that it was the 1st of November. Precisely because it was, Halloween already over, he could start singing Christmas carols and only turn a few eyes over. It was the best season.

“Ugh.” Luke complained as he took out his beanie and gloves, but he was also kind of smiling, and Ashton knew he was forgiven even before he ever said sorry.

“I'm sorry.”

Luke looked at him like he didn't even understand why he would apologize.

“No you're not.”

“No, I'm not. I'm a Christmas junkie, you know that.” Ashton laughed easily, and Luke soon followed. It was warmer now that they were inside the shopping center, and Ashton took out his gloves too, almost reaching to take out his scarf. But he was wearing scrubs underneath the coat and he didn't really fancy getting a cold, so, the scarf stayed.

“Everyone our age should be. A Christmas junkie.” He continued. “We were practically raised with it as a capitalist holiday. I’m just enjoying the spirit for longer than the customary two weeks.” He saw Luke rolling his eyes at him before turning towards their right, entering the first menswear shop they found. “Anyways, what are we doing exactly?”

Luke sighed and started walking towards the underwear display, browsing without too much interest through the socks.

“Jack's birthday is two days away, I need a gift.”

“And you're buying him... socks?”

Ashton tried to hold in his laughter, but he couldn't however school an impassive face.

“I suck at this okay.” Luke whined. “That's why you're here.”

This time he did laugh out loud.

“I don't know Jack!”

“You've met him?” Luke tried, but he turned away from Ashton, walking down the aisle towards the jumpers and other wintry stuff.

“Oh yeah, I saw him drunk in the ED once. I know him a whole lot.”

Luke stopped for the time it took to sent him a glare before turning to the jeans section.

“Well, but you're like...good at this stuff.”

He sounded like a total ass-kisser right now, oh god. He really was struggling with this, wasn't he?

“I still don't know him.” Ashton said again, trying his best to sound reasonable. He wasn't particularly fond of the idea of spending hours searching for a gift for someone he didn't know just after finishing a night shift. At least Luke had bought him breakfast earlier.

“Just,...” Luke stopped again, this time in front of the accessories aisle. “What are you getting your brother for Christmas?”

“Super Mario Odyssey. He's 14.” Ashton snickered. Shopping for Harry was still relatively easy. What hadn't been easy had been convincing Lauren to buy it since he wasn't going to be there for the holidays.

“True.” Luke agreed. “Fuck. I'm fucked.” His shoulders slumped and he was doing that pouty thing that usually worked with the girls he flirted with. How, Ashton didn't know.

“You're not.” Ashton sighed, looking around. He still didn't know what this guy was like, much less what present would be appropriate. “How old was he again?”

“Your age?” Luke offered with a small voice.

“What?! Is that why you brought me?” He really could imagine that. Luke asking him for help just because he was his brother's age. “I thought he was older, he's friggin huge.” He muttered, hoping it was too quiet for Luke to hear. He and his brothers were frigging monsters of nature. Like. _Big._

“Just, what would you get for yourself?” Luke asked, clearly defeated.

“A nice Christmas throw.”

“Oh shut up.”

“No, I'm serious. My flat is cold as hell.” And it was. He even had his eye on a Primark one. It was cozy and it was wintry and had a tartan pattern on it. Really Christmassy.

Luke had moved to ruffle through the display of scarves, pensieve.

“Would he like a bowtie?”

“Is he the Doctor?” Ashton retorted.

“Argh, leave me alone.”

Ashton laughed. Luke just groaned and rubbed his eyes. He clearly was as tired if not more tired than Ashton himself. Ashton at least had gotten an hour of sleep, when it was Luke's turn to take a rest they had had an incoming car accident with 5 admissions. It hadn't been a great night.

“Let's just.” Ashton started. “Take the right, I'll take the left. We convene here in 5 minutes with new ideas. Proper ideas, Hemmings.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

Ashton could see he was actually grateful for the instruction. He seemed about to fall asleep on his feet. Ashton felt the same.

“Cool. See you in 5 minutes.”

Ashton took the first row to his left and started perusing. Last –and only– time he had seen Jack it had been the night of Luke's birthday. He was on the night shift and hadn't been able to change it to go to the party, so seeing Luke dragging his brother into the ED at 4 in the morning had come as a surprise. And the only thing he was sure _not_ to get him as a present after that interaction was any kind of alcohol.

He sighed and took the next hallway. If he remembered correctly the guy was wearing a Queen shirt. Maybe that was the way to go. Or maybe it was just one of Luke's and it was a dead end.

Ashton had started humming again without even realizing it, the song stuck in his head. He missed home, but he was actually enjoying being here, and was excited to have cold Christmas for once in his life. Maybe he would even drive up north to see snow on the day, which he thankfully had been able to have free. He had applied back in august for a week off, thinking he would be able to go back to Oz for the holidays, but then his car broke down and it just made sense to stay here and spend that money on the car. He would just call home and wish Lauren and Harry a happy Christmas on the day. His mother hadn't been too happy with the news, but there wasn't much they could do.

Ashton reckoned the five minutes had already gone by, and he walked back to the spot he and Luke had agreed on. Luke was nowhere to be found.

Ugh. Ashton seriously hated this. Now he would have to stand there looking all crazy. He prayed Luke remembered where they had been before splitting up.

Since he had nothing better to do, he took out his headphones as he sat down like a rando and plugged them into his old mp4, Christmas playlist already ready to go. It wasn't his fault that the spirit invaded him. The stores here had taken down the Halloween decorations overnight, and he was sure they would soon start to put up the Christmas ones.

He was just looking for _It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas_ on his playlist –to try and banish it from his head– when he heard it. Someone crashing and an unmistakably yelp of hurt. And then.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” Someone muttered on the hallway to his left. With Ashton's luck it would be Luke and he would have to cover his next shifts. Argh. Ashton scrambled to get up and go to the origin of the commotion, nearly crashing himself against one of the displays.

“Ouch.”

There was a boy in the middle of the hallway clutching his foot surrounded by an array of Christmas lights and balls. A gorgeous, black haired boy. Decidedly _not_ Luke.

“Are you okay?” Ashton asked taking off the earbuds. Even with the store's speaker music, Bublé’s voice could be heard through his headphones and Ashton felt himself blush that the volume was that loud. The guy was definitely hearing it.

“Yeah, no worries, sir. Just tripped.”

Scottish accent, great. _Fuck_ _me_. The boy, who couldn't be much younger than Ashton himself, tried standing up, and he succeeded, but Ashton knew he was still hurt. He tried to hide it, though, promptly looking back to Ashton.

“May I help you with anything, sir?”

“Please stop calling me sir?”Ashton grimaced. “It makes me feel a thousand years old.” He chuckled. The guy laughed along, but Ashton wasn't sure if it was a nervous laugh or just a pity one. “And…–” Ashton squinted his eyes, trying to read the name tag attached to the dark haired boy's shirt. “...Calum? Are you okay? You're not really putting any weight on that foot.”

The guy blushed and Ashton felt warmth washing over him. This guy was cute. Like. The guy-of-his-dreams-type cute. Dark curly hair, a jaw that could cut glass, chocolate eyes. And Ashton thought he had spotted two tattoos on his hands. Plus he look awfully cuddly.

“I think I may have twisted it. I'm a giant klutz.” Calum chuckled quietly. It was a sound Ashton could easily get hooked on. But first.

“May I take a look? I'm a nurse.”

“Yeah, you're wearing scrubs.”

“Oh. Right. So, may I?”

The boy looked him up and down slowly before reluctantly nodding. Ashton instructed him to sit down again, helping him with it, and then slowly tried to unknot his vans.

“How did you trip?”

“Is that relevant?” Calum asked trying to get his feet back from Ashton's hands.

“Kinda, need to know how you twisted it.”

“Oh. Was carrying the decorations box and I think i tripped over my own shoelaces. I really am a klutz.” Calum smiled sheepishly and peered over, trying to watch as Ashton peeled the sock off, revealing a pretty big purple bruise on his ankle. Ashton tried to ignore the way his heart was trying to beat out of his chest just by being in touch with the younger boy's ankle. What was he? A foot fetishist now? Luke would have a laugh.

Ashton carefully tried to inspect it, but he heard Calum sucking in a breath a couple of times. The bruise looked way too pronounced to have been a result of the falling just now. He glanced up at Calum, who was looking attentively at his ankle while biting his lower lip. Ashton was kind of fascinated by his face, and he probably would have made a fool out of himself if he didn't have the ED work mode engraved to his brain.

“I think you should go to a hospital. This bruise seems quite nasty for you having just twisted it. I frankly don’t like the look of it. A doctor should check it.” It certainly didn't seem like a bruise from an accident that just happened, but Ashton wasn't working and he didn't know the guy, so he couldn't really press for more information. Even when he wanted to. He wanted so badly. To ask anything.

“Oh.”

Calum stared at it for few seconds, Ashton retreating his hands. He didn't really know where to look now. He was sure he was as red as a tomato. Since he came here his tan had faded away and now when he blushed it was pretty much noticeable. And being this close to the boy wasn't helping in that area whatsoever. The guy was hot even in his cute little uniform.

Ashton helped him put the sock back on, spying another tattoo on his ankle before sliding it up and helping Calum to his shoe. Then he stood up with the intention of offering Calum a hand to do the same, but he was stopped before that.

“If…” He heard the younger boy start. “If it was from a couple of days ago… What would be your prognosis?”

“A couple of days?” Ashton arched his eyebrow, crossing his arms. Calum was looking up at him worriedly from his place on the ground.

“It happened Sunday.”

“That bruise should have started to fade already. Or at least turned yellowish. You really, really should go to the ED, mate.”

It was already Thursday. Why was this kid avoiding going to his GP?

“I can't take a leave right now.”

And there it was. Calum was tying his laces, answering as if he had direct connection to Ashton's brain.

“Christmas is just round the corner and there's more shifts and more money.”

“But you shouldn't be walking on that.” Ashton protested as he watched the boy standing up by helping himself with the shelves.

“Who said I was walking?” Calum had the audacity to wink at him, before easily skipping on one leg towards the box, stopping before it and crouching down to pick it up.

Ashton found himself giggling at such action despite all his work-instincts screaming for him to take the guy to the hospital so he could get his ankle checked out. Calum looked up at him smiling before gathering everything up and standing again. Ashton rushed to give him a hand, watching with something akin to pride as Calum's cheeks turned red when Ashton clutched his arms to help him stabilize.

“My favourite is _Blue Christmas_.” Calum said quietly, eyes trained on the box, apparently fascinated by the array of Christmas decorations inside it. They were kind of impossibly close for two people who didn’t know each other just a few minutes ago.

“What?”

“Michael Bublé?” He looked up from the box, his eyes landing for a second on Ashton's before skirting downwards again. “I can hear it through your headphones. Although I'm a sucker for Elvis's version.” He concluded with a small smile.

Ashton was gaping at him. This guy. This gorgeous guy, was a fan of both Michael Bublé and Elvis Presley? He thought he was going to faint. However, _Blue Christmas_...

“Isn’t that song kind of sad?”

“Isn’t 'kind of sad’ the definition of Christmas?”

Ashton was caught off-guard. He tried swallowing past the knot that just formed in his throat, blinking quickly so as not to leave any time for tears to gather. How could just a question from a stranger get to him so easily? He blinked again, trying to banish the memories from his mind. It wasn’t hard with all the practice he had had. The younger boy was looking at him quizzically, clearly waiting for an answer.

“Yeah.” Ashton coughed, his voice catching. “Yes it is.”

Just one phrase from a stranger and he was ten steps back. He quietly shook his head, hoping to god that the cute guy didn't think him a mental case for almost crying in the middle of a store.

But Calum didn't look weirded out. He looked… He looked like… It had been some time since the last time Ashton saw someone looking at him like that. Hopeful and teasing. It kind of warmed his heart. Kind of sent it beating a million miles an hour. Ashton was enthralled by the boy's eyes, the breathlessness that usually came with a new crush making him dizzy. They were still locking eyes, and Ashton suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment at the thought of how these two dudes would look to an outsider. Completely mental.

“So.” He coughed out, taking a step back, trying to look anywhere but Calum. “Seeing as you're not going to go to the ED, please take care of yourself and try to rest?” He sputtered, thanking that his brain still had his work-mode on, because if not, Ashton wasn't sure what would have come out of his mouth. Probably something embarrassing. Probably something about Calum’s smile. Ashton had always had a thing for smiles.

“Will do, mister.” Calum saluted him, and Ashton almost wanted to die right there.

“Mister isn't making me feel any younger, either.” He muttered, hoping he didn't sound as whiny as he knew he had.

“I didn't get your name, so –”

“Ashton.” He cut in, perhaps a little rushed. “My name is Ashton.”

He could see Calum smiling out of the corner of his eye.

Well. Fuck him if this wasn't the most awkward moment in his life to date. And with a perfectly cute guy.

“Well, nice to meet you, _nurse_ Ashton.”

“You're making it all worse.” Ashton whined again. This guy was out to kill him, and apparently enjoying so, if the little smirk he had was anything to go by. “You make it sound like I'm a nun.”

“Totally _not_ my intention.” Calum chuckled. His eyes travelled up and down Ashton a couple times, and Ashton felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Well, I'll leave you to...erhm. Work. I actually should go find my friend.” Ashton said, looking around. It was weird that Luke hadn't come looking for him yet, and that should be worrying.

“See you around, _nurse_ Ashton.” Calum chuckled, and started skipping towards the end of the hallway, expertly keeping the box on his arms while balancing on his right leg. Ashton was left astonished. He quickly shook himself out of it and started walking towards the spot where Luke was supposed to have met him, and surely enough, he wasn't there. Fuck his life.

He cursed silently at his stupid co-worker and took out his phone, dialing the blond's number.

“Where are you?”

“ _Do you think Jack would like a fish?”_

Ashton groaned, his hand flying out to his face. Why did Luke had to be like this?

“Do you think he would like a fish or do you just want to get one yourself?”

“ _Hey, no need to be mean, grumpy.”_ Luke laughed at the other end. Ashton started to walk towards the store's exit. He thought he had seen the pet store just across the hall before they came into this one. “ _Remember the Christmas spirit. You need to be nice, or Santa won't come. You're the one always saying that to me.”_

“Honestly, fuck you Luke. I need to sleep. I'm on my way to the store, we picking something out, then I'm heading home.” Ashton spat. He didn't even know why he was suddenly in such a sour mood, and Luke certainly didn't deserve what he was getting.

“ _I_ _'m by the kitten display”_ Luke answered hesitantly.

“Great.”

Ashton hung up, and as soon as he had done so, he knew he felt bad. He really hadn’t intended to snap at Luke. His festive spirit had gone out of the window after that little comment from the guy at the department store, and even though he was awfully cute, it hadn't erased the foul mood Ashton got when thinking about last Christmas.

Not that Luke or anyone on this continent knew about that. He had just wanted a fresh start away from everything and when applications opened for the hospital, he didn't think twice. Getting to work in the NHS as a foreigner was hard, but here he was now, 9 months and counting. In lots of ways he liked Cambridge more than Sydney, but he still missed home a lot. Immersing themselves in the Christmas spirit had always been his family's thing, and he thought that would never change, no matter what. And it actually hadn't changed for him, everyone of the ED knew Ashton had been impatiently waiting for it to be a decent time to hang out Christmas decorations. He knew the comment from the cute guy – _Calum_ , his brain supplied– probably hadn’t been meant in any way other than just voicing an opinion, but it had still rubbed him off the wrong way.

Ashton sighed and focused on the task at hand. Finding Luke was quick. He was the only giant playing with the kittens at the shop.

“Thought you were a dog person.” Ashton tried. Testing the waters. Hoping his brashness before hadn't scared Luke away.

“I am an _animal_ person.”

Luke continued playing with the kittens, not even turning around.

“Look, I'm sorry I snapped. I just. I'm tired from the shift and you left without even saying anything to me.”

“Oh, I was giving you space.” Luke left the tiny kitten in his cage and turned to look at him, half smirk on his face, eyes knowing.

“What?”

“The guy you were gallantly assisting at the shop?”

“Ugh, you saw that?” Ashton groaned. He really didn't want any of Luke's teasing right now. Ashton had had enough with the blond’s teasing every time they went out for drinks and Ashton got hit on by strangers he would probably never talk to on his own.

“You two looked pretty cozy.” Luke wriggled his eyebrows, smirk growing.

“He sprained his ankle.”

“Well, you looked smitten.”

“Oh shut up.” Ashton whined. He admitted he had been pretty mooney-eyed at the guy, but he was just a guy. Ashton would probably never see him again.

“You didn't score a date? Is that why you're salty?” Luke asked, hands reaching for one of the kittens again.

“Wasn't trying for a date. But no. He just said something that irked me.”

“Oh. Sorry then.” Luke sounded apologetic, and Ashton just waved a hand.

“Did you figure something out for your brother?”

“I'm getting a kitten.” Luke squealed, shoving said animal into Ashton’s face. He really seemed excited and Ashton couldn't help but giggle, even if his nose was starting to itch.

“And for Jack?”

“Oh, I got him a scarf while you flirted.”

Ashton resisted the urge to face-palm and raised one arm for the kitten to lick.

“I expect to be the kitten's godfather at least.”


	2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

It was pointing out to be a good night. Quite cold, but great. There wasn’t a cloud in sight and thus no chance of rain spoiling the bonfire. Ashton was pretty excited.

Luke wasn’t. Or at least he wasn’t as excited that Ashton had volunteered the both of them to help out at the market stall. Ashton knew. Well, pretty much everyone at the post knew. Luke hadn’t been exactly quiet about it.

“Why are we helping out, again?” He whined, for like, the millionth time.

Ashton laughed incredulously.

“I can’t believe you live here and you’ve never volunteered.”

Luke stared at him blankly before he took a marshmallow from the pile saved for the hot chocolates and chewed it up really slowly. Ashton scowled at him.

“What? You should’ve. Helping out is good.” Ashton continued, shaking his head. He could have sworn he heard Luke muttering something about them ‘ _merely serving wine, but okay._ ’ Ashton knew better than to engage him, and… he still did as a thought popped into his head. “Hey, you said it the other day, Santa _knows_. This shit just ups your points.”

Luke just laughed.

“Father Christmas would still bring me things even if I don’t volunteer.” Luke scoffed. “I’m a nurse at an Emergency Department. That alone gets me enough points.” Ashton really wanted to hit him right now. “Plus, I’m the youngest. _Santa_ will always get me things.”

Ashton almost face palmed himself. Luke was laughing at him now and even though Ashton knew he was just dicking around, he was trying his patience. Luke’s laughter was suddenly cut short as his face transformed to horror. Ashton winced when the shrills of two little girls reached his ears. He turned around to see them running to the post. The parents were chasing them, evidently having lost control, and Ashton sent a look in his friend’s direction, hoping Luke would behave himself. Ashton didn’t need an overgrown child right now by his side. Plus, talking about Santa, Father Christmas –or whatever his name was over here– this time of the year was a little dangerous. Stress on the _little_.

“Hey, good evening. Would you like anything?” Ashton plastered on a smile that wasn’t entirely fake and greeted the parents still trying to catch their breath.

“Um, two mulled-wines and–” The woman stopped for a second and counted the kids, as if she didn’t remember how many she had. Ashton kind of wanted to roll his eyes, but he powered through. Luke, to his right, serving the wine, didn’t. “–five hot chocolates.”

“Coming right up!”

Luke and he tried to make it quick, handling over the cups and gathering the money for the chocolates. After all, the show was about to start, and no one wanted to miss it. Luke thankfully waited until the family was out of earshot before commenting anything.

“See? The parents only come for the free wine, they didn’t even try to make a donation.” His whiny voice was starting to make a dent on Ashton’s skull, and it was only the beginning of the evening.

“You can’t know that, there’s people collecting at the doors. They could‘ve left a donative there.” Luke arched an eyebrow at him. “Besides, they did buy the hot chocolate.” Ashton muttered.

He already knew reasoning with Luke about this was pointless. If Luke didn’t really want to be volunteering he wouldn’t be here. Ashton had learnt the hard way that Luke usually kept arguing even if it was only to keep a conversation going, a residue from his debate club days. Or, maybe Luke was just tired after the shift he had had the previous night and his pissy mood had absolutely nothing to do with volunteering. Ashton heard it had been quite busy.

“Whatever. Volunteer work is good for the soul. You should try it more often.”

Ashton could watch out of the corner of his eye how Luke was shaking his head, pouring himself a hot chocolate. Well, at least that would keep him occupied for a while, Ashton mused.

He looked around, relishing the excitement the crowd gathered in front of them exuded. Ashton had always had a love/hate relationship with fireworks. He winced as he remembered he had a shift on the 5th when most bonfires would be lit. People always seemed to find a way to injure themselves in these situations. Ashton wasn’t looking forward to it.

But, he _was_ looking forward to watching the fireworks display. Security appeared to be tight around the bonfire and the fireworks, so he could rest easy even if he wasn’t on shift.

“How long now till they start?” He impatiently asked Luke.

“Oh, man. Sometimes I forget you aren’t actually from here and you still get excited about shit like this.” Luke chuckled. “They start at 6, in like, a couple of minutes.”

Ashton nodded, looking around at the crowd. Some university students had just arrived, shouting and laughing.

“How’s the kitten?” While the show didn’t start, he could at least catch up with Luke.

“The bastard’s peed on everything I own.”

Ashton snorted. He could very well imagine Luke running around his flat chasing the cat.

“That’s what you get.” Ashton chuckled. Luke sent him a glare. “You decided on a name?”

Ashton saw the beginnings of a smile threatening to take over Luke’s features, and his eyes _just_ gleaming. Ashton knew it could only mean one thing. The name was most probably a pun. A horrible, horrible pun.

“Please just say the name and get it over with.” Ashton pleaded.

“I promise this is a good one!” Luke complained, but Ashton had learnt how to read between the lines with him.

“I don’t believe it for a second.”

Luke sighed really loudly as if Ashton’s lack of faith in his kitten-naming abilities had impaired him for life. Ashton awaited fearfully for the pun to come, knowing it would be absolutely terrible.

“His name is…” Oh, the expectation. Luke held his gaze as his grin grew to insanity levels. “… Lucifurr.”

“’K bye.” Ashton turned away quickly, not really believing Luke’s new low.

“What? It’s the _purrfect_ name!”

“I no longer want to be your friend.”

“You wound me, Ash, you wou–”

Luke’s voice was drowned out by the first round of fireworks going off, making Ashton turn right back to the front of the stall, excitedly stepping out, trying to get a better view. He could hear Luke laughing at his childish excitement.

They were pretty, the fireworks. It reminded Ashton of New Year’s at the beach with his friends, laughing and drinking, and being stupid and shit you can only ever be when you’re young. They also reminded him of Bec. Mostly good times.

“How long did you say they lasted?” He shouted in Luke’s direction, giddiness somehow dimmed after Bec popped into his mind.

“About 10 minutes!” Luke was grinning now, and Ashton was glad he was finally giving in. For how badly he loved trolling people and making puns, he sure could be difficult to get excited about something. Except for animals. Maybe he was in the wrong profession and he should've been a vet.

Ashton turned back around, fascinated by the array of different fireworks colouring the dark blue sky. Norah from admissions had told him these fireworks had nothing on the Cambridge main display, on the 5th. Ashton kind of hated his supervisor when he found out, but it was too late to trade the shift with anyone. Plus, he was still grateful he could have a whole week at Christmas all to himself. Cambridge’s official bonfire night would have to wait till next year for him. Well, he hoped he would still living here by next year. He loved Cambridge.

His mum had asked when Ashton was coming home, and although she had meant for a visit, Ashton could tell she wanted to know his plans for the long term. He had honestly not known what to say to her. His job here was great, he was happy at the ED, and the team was the best he could ever ask for. Ashton did miss the sunny days, and Harry and Lauren. But… Sydney didn’t feel like home anymore. It just didn't. And he doubted it would ever feel like home again.

He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice when everything got silent as the show rounded up. He had to shook himself out of it when the first customers startied appearing before the booth again. Now that the show was over, he expected a lot more people requesting that ‘free mulled-wine’ Luke had been so stressed about.

It took about an hour, a hectic hour, for the crowd to break up enough that Luke and Ashton could take a breather. Coincidentally, the queue had almost dissolved the moment they handed out the last of the mulled wine.

“Well, that seemed to be the last ones from the selfish pile.”

“ _Luke!_ ” He whisper-shouted completely outraged. Sometimes he envied his bluntness, but right now it wasn’t one of those times.

Ashton sighed before he turned to attend a couple of old ladies that had just arrived.

While he took their orders, he saw Luke pouring out two more hot chocolates, silently asking him if he wanted marshmallows or anything else. Ashton pointed at the cinnamon and collected the pay from the ladies and the generous donation they just gave. He tried to be stealthy about cashing it, but when he turned back, Luke was smugly looking at him, offering him his cup. Okay, maybe he was right about the donations.

“Thanks. My hands are freezing again.”

Ashton blew gently over the chocolate, vapor rising.

“You should’ve brought gloves, man.” Luke laughed. Ashton flipped him and took a sip of the cup. It was _good_. He could feel Luke staring at him, and when he looked up from the cup indeed he was. Luke seemed almost hesitant, and that was weird.

“So…” He started. “I have this friend from uni–”

“I told you, I don’t want a date.” Ashton replied exasperated. Luke had been trying to hook him up practically since he got here, and yeah, some people the younger had told him about had sounded okay. But just that: _okay_.

“You didn’t even let me finish!”

“Don’t need to, Luke.”

“But he’s your type!” Ashton’s eyebrows raised minutely at Luke’s suggestion. Luke, completely oblivious, went on. “Well, what I’ve gathered is your type by your celebrity crushes and stuff.”

Luke was searching on his phone now, and Ashton laughed.

“My type? I don’t have a type, Luke.”

“Yeah, you _do_.”

He liked specifics, yes, but mostly he was just looking for someone he could have a deep conversation with. All the last dates Luke had sent him on had spent half the night talking about celebrities and trends. It wasn’t Ashton’s exact scene.

“I don’t.” Ashton denied again. Luke was still searching for a pic.

“One. You _love_ Scottish accents.”

“They just sound cute, okay.” Ashton tried. He liked their intonations, almost like they were singing. He found it really, really cute. And he probably felt weaker than he should when a cute guy or girl talked in that accent. Ashton blamed Iain De Caestecker and his adorable face. And countless others.

Luke kept scrolling down Instagram. Ashton came closer, trying to take a peek, but Luke swatted him away.

“Two. You also like dark-haired people.”

“I do admit I prefer them over _blonds_.” Ashton said, joking tilt to his voice. And Luke caught the bait.

“Hey!” He looked up, mockingly offended. “Anyway.” Then looked back down, frowning momentarily. “Oh, yeah. **_Tattoos_** _._ ”

“I do not have a thing for tattoos.” Ashton denied quickly. Way too quickly. He could feel heat rising up his cheeks at the uninvited memory of the guy from the store. Ashton had only seen tattoos on his hands, but damn, they were attractive.

“Um, yeah. You do.” Luke replied without missing a beat. “Do I have to remind you of the dude at the shopping centre?”

Fuck. True. He had whined about it in the car.

“What?” Ashton pretended like he didn’t know what Luke was talking about, directing his gaze towards the crowd once again. The university kids were still there, casually drinking beers from cans they had obviously brought over. Ashton didn’t miss the days he would live out of a student-budget.

“The sprained ankle-guy?” Luke continued, bringing him out of his reverie. “The one you are obviously crushing on? You were going on about his tattoos the whole ride home.”

Ashton felt himself blush some more.

“I was not.”

How much longer could he keep this up?

“‘ _Oh Luke, I could only see his hands, but if he had tattoos there, there’s a possibility he has more, right?’”_

Okay, not long.

“ _Fine_ , I like tattoos.”

His gaze was trained on the uni guys still. He thought he had seen…

“Wait. No, you don’t just _like_ them. They’re a _turn_ _on_ for you. Like, you want to shag anyone within a respectable distance that has ever put their body under a needle.” Was it him? Ashton cursed his poor eyesight and the shitty lighting of the park. “Ash?” He could distantly hear Luke to his right. “You’re awfully distracted. What are you looki–.” He stopped abruptly, and Ashton turned right back, just to find him looking straight at the group. “Ooooooh. If it isn’t _ankle-guy_.” He teased Ashton.

“Shut up.” Ashton mumbled, clearly embarrassed. His cheeks had to be glowing like Rudolph’s nose by now, he could feel the heat emanating from them.

“You should go talk to him.”

Luke started pestering him, repeatedly tapping his shoulder. Thank god Ashton had grown almost immune to Luke’s annoyance through their nine months together.

“No, we’re working.” Maybe this way he could get out of it. Calum was wearing a very fitted dark blue sweater and Ashton thought if he got close enough his brain would cease to function. That wouldn’t work in his favour.

“No, we’re _volunteering_.” Luke retorted. “And you obviously have a _massive_ crush.”

“I don’t have a massive crush.” Ashton lied under his breath. He didn’t know who he was trying to fool though. Luke just raised one eyebrow, staring at him.

“Okay, I found him cute.” Ashton broke. “Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to get to know him.”

Luke laughed and clapped him in the back.

“Finally.”

Ashton rolled his eyes. He knew Luke meant well in the en–

“You _would_ like to get to know him physically, too, right?” Luke added, wriggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up…” Ashton tried to hide his embarrassment with a laugh. “I don’t even know if he swings my way.”

He was still studying Calum from afar. The guy was cute alright. And his smile… oh god, Ashton had it _bad._ Just looking at him and he was feeling all gooey inside. And he didn’t even know if Calum was into guys.

“Trust me, I saw you two. He swings _your_ way _very much_.” Luke huffed, not even caring to look at Calum.

“He’s with a guy.”

Was it weird that he was wondering which shade of blue Calum’s sweater was? _Yes_. He felt himself blush when the red-haired guy tried to carry Calum over his shoulder, the sweater rising up slightly and showing Calum’s tummy. _Oh god_ , Ashton was going straight to hell. At least he would be able to cool down there.

“Friends.”

“How can you be sure?”

Luke just nodded his head in their direction where suddenly a group of girls had joined them. One of them approached the red-haired dude Calum was with and planted a kiss on his mouth. Okay. So maybe Calum wasn’t _with_ the guy.

“He could still have a boyfriend or girlfriend.”

He was certain someone as beautiful as Calum couldn’t be single. It just wasn’t possible. Plus, Ashton had never been that lucky. He groaned, his right hand rubbing his face.

“Well, the best way to find out is talking to him.” Luke supplied helpfully. Although he wasn’t helping Ashton at all. He just didn’t think approaching Calum right now would be the best idea. He was with friends and Ashton didn’t want to make an ass of himself.

“We’re _working_.” He replied to Luke. Although looking around, all the booths were practically deserted by now. “Maybe when we’re done here.”

“There’s literally no one queueing nor there will be anyone queuing.” Luke said. Too loudly. The middle-aged woman from the booth next to theirs –Mrs Kemper, Ashton thought her name was– who had been selling sparklers, turned to them.

“He’s right, honey. We’re probably done for the night.”

Luke looked between the woman and Ashton a couple times, his smile growing at someone having agreed with him. Or maybe he was smiling because they were finished for the night. Ashton couldn’t really tell this time.

Since there was nothing better to do, he started counting the money they had collected from sales, carefully dividing it into piles. He could sense Luke approaching him, but he didn’t look up.

“Hey Ash.”

“Yeah?” He asked a bit disinterested. It seemed they had doubled the profit, so it was good.

“He’s looking.”

His neck cracked with the force Ashton had turned his head upwards. But Calum was still messing around with his friends on the park. He heard Luke cackling behind him.

“Oh god, you’re majorly crushing. This is hilarious.” Luke was heaving now from how hard he was laughing. Ashton glared at him, not amused in the slightest.

“Shut up, Luke.” He muttered.

“Darling, your friend is right.” Mrs Kemper cut in. “You should go talk to the boy.”

Ashton sent Luke a murderous look. Great. Even people he didn’t know were weighing in now. He hated how gossipy this town was sometimes.

“Pss.” The woman tried getting his attention, and Ashton tried to smile before looking in her direction. “He’s been glancing over here all evening, too. I think you have more than a chance, sweetie.” The woman winked.

“Thanks... ma’am.” Ashton didn’t really know how to respond to her. His brain had kind of short-circuited the moment she said Calum had been looking.

“You’re welcome. Young love is so exciting!”

Ashton choked on his own spit.

“Hey hey, Mrs Kemper, no need to take things that far.” Luke intervened for him. Thank god he could actually act like a best friend sometimes. “I think you just scared him away from talking to the boy.”

Or not. Fuck him, seriously. Although yeah, knowing Calum had been glancing towards them but hadn’t come over was kind of scaring Ashton away from talking to him.

“Nonsense, Luke.” He heard Mrs Kemper say. “Your friend is going to talk to the lad.” She directed her gaze to Ashton again, and Ashton didn’t know where to hide. “Right, love?”

“As soon as we finish here.” He chocked out. It seemed enough though.

“Good. Have a nice night, boys!”

“You too, Mrs Kemper!” Luke said brightly. She went back to her own stall and started packing up after that.

“I hate you, Hemmings.” Ashton grunted.

“No, you don’t.” Luke was still smiling at him, and Ashton had never found him more infuriating. “So, how you gonna play it? You want to rehearse on me?”

“I’m not talking to him.”

“What?!”

“Yeah.”

Ashton looked wistfully towards Calum. He had now donned in a leather jacket over his blue sweater, and somehow it made him even more attractive to Ashton. And that made him even less approachable.

“But you said.” Luke started.

“I know.”

He had just meant to shut up that woman. Ashton didn’t think he was ready to date, not even with someone he liked as much as Calum. Well. He didn’t even know if he would like _like_ him. He only knew Calum liked Michael Bublé and Elvis and had a couple tattoos. That could end nowhere.

“Ugh, I swear to god, Ash. You’re going to end up alone if you keep this up.” Luke complained, moving now to his own box of money, starting to count.

“Maybe that would be for the best.” Ashton mumbled, low enough that he hoped Luke hadn’t heard him. But of course, Luke had, because he sent him an inquisitive look. Ashton just dismissed it with a wave. Luke didn’t look convinced.

“By the way, why are you pushing me so vehemently to do this?” He turned to look at him. At the start it was nice having someone like Luke helping him out to meet new people, but lately it had been kind of annoying.

“Oh wow, he pulls the big words.” Luke said, raising his hands as if trying to cover himself.

“Seriously, Luke.” Ashton wasn’t in the mood for joking around right now. Luke seemed to sense that.

“I just want you to get laid.” He answered quickly.

“What?”

“I just want you happy, okay?” Luke elaborated. Ashton felt a short laugh escaping him. “Ugh. I hate feelings talk.”

“Aww.” Ashton cooed exaggeratedly. Then went in for a hug Luke ‘tried’ to avoid. “I love you too, Lukey.” Ashton clapped him in the back before releasing him.

“Shut up.” Ashton could see a faint blush on Luke’s cheeks, making him laugh.

“Well. Since we’re talking about shit. I just… I don’t know if I’m ready to date at all.” Ashton confessed. Luke looked at him quizzically, but didn’t ask him to further the thought.

“Okay.”

“If it’s meant to happen, it will on its own.” Ashton finished, chancing a quick eye dart towards the group. He thought he saw Calum looking in their direction, but when Ashton looked again, he was talking with the red-haired guy.

With a sigh, Ashton went back to counting money, focussing on ending their tasks so they could pack up quickly and hit Monkfield Arms before Luke had to go back home. Or maybe he could just crash at his place. He shook his head. The sooner he finished this, the sooner they could be at the pub.

If Ashton had looked up only one more time, he would have seen that Calum’s eyes were indeed trained on their stall, and more precisely, on him.


	3. Jingle Bells

Despite what he had said to Luke the night of the bonfire, Ashton hadn’t been able to take Calum out of his head. Every time someone came through the door of the ED he turned his head, looked for him. Every time he saw a dark-haired guy on his way home. Every time he heard a Scottish accent.

Ashton knew he was being kinda obsessive and generally creepy, but it wasn’t only that he was crushing on the guy, or that, as per Luke’s description, Calum was Ashton’s _type_ personified. Ashton kept thinking back to his only conversation with him. To that phrase that came completely out of left-field and left him in a daze about his past. He still thought every day about why Calum thought Christmas was, by definition, kind of sad. Even if it was. It most certainly was.

He had been thinking a lot about Bec during the past days. That hadn’t happened in a _long_ time. Ashton hadn’t let himself. Even when it still hurt him, each day it hurt a little less, each day he came to terms with it a little bit more. Bec was gone. She had been gone for a while.

And that brought him back to Calum.

Ashton was intrigued by him. He knew next to nothing about him, and yet he was crushing this hard. He had just felt... _something_. Calum had made him feel something, and it hadn’t been because of his looks –although Ashton was more than on board with them–. And it hadn’t been because of his cute accent even if it warmed Ashton’s heart. Nor had it been the presence of tattoos. It had been none of that.

Something about the things Calum had said. The way his eyes had sparkled when talking about Elvis. The mischievousness of his eyes when teasing him. It all had made Ashton feel –for lack of a better word– _alive_. In short, Ashton was screwed.  
The only things he knew about Calum were that he apparently was still at uni –as the crowd he was with at the bonfire had been–; that he worked at Topman; and a myriad other little things that, even though to Ashton had been incredibly important, weren’t that useful in helping him chance another meeting with Calum. Not that he had the balls to do it.

Or maybe he did. It was tiring getting to think about it. Ashton was... tired of waiting. Time healed open wounds, but that didn’t mean moving on didn’t as well. He had been repressing thoughts about last Christmas for so long, trying not to let it consume his thoughts. It had worked for a while. Sadness was ever-present, but breathing had become easier with the move and the new job. Immersing himself in work in his line of profession wasn’t the smartest idea, he knew. It was even worse when working at an Emergency Department in a hospital. But it worked for Ashton. Right up until...now.

He finally found the strength to roll out of the bed. It had been quite a while since he woke up, and with the curtains drawn in close so the light wouldn’t shine through, Ashton never knew what time it was. First day free after a row of night-shifts always felt like that. His body felt like a truck had just driven over it, so Ashton guessed he hadn’t completely slept the day away.

Getting ‘breakfast’ was quick. Or his second breakfast, like he was a hobbit. Or not even that, he thought as he glanced at the clock, bold numbers telling him it was already three in the afternoon. Ashton threw a couple of bread slices on the toaster and put the moka top on the stove. While he waited, he took both orange juice and butter from the fridge and brought them to the coffee table in front of the TV. Best thing of living alone, Ashton didn’t have to keep pretences that he still used the dining table he had. It required effort and no matter where you sat you could never face the TV properly. So, coffee table it was.

Ashton moaned when the smell of fresh coffee wafted to his nose, bouncing back to the kitchen to turn the stove off. Luke had often joked he was addicted to caffeine, and Ashton had never been able to deny it. It was just the simple truth. Plus, dark roasted coffee beans were delicious.

Pouring the coffee onto a cup and turning around to add a dash of milk, Ashton thought back to his first months here. He really owed Luke a lot. Ashton was never one to quickly strike a friendship with anyone, and Luke had just been god-sent. His snappy attitude and constant arguing had forced Ashton to stay in the present, forced him to snap out of his gloomy thoughts. He never told Luke anything, and still… the other boy must have known something was up. Just like he apparently knew Ashton was still thinking day in and day out about Calum. On the shift change today, Luke had scolded him for not doing anything about it –as he had been doing ever since the day of the bonfire, almost a week ago–. Ashton had laughed and shaken it off, but Luke’s words were starting to slip into his brain wave length.

Maybe he hadn’t been exactly honest with himself that day, about wanting fate to dictate if he was supposed to get to know Calum by making Ashton run into him a third time. Maybe he had just been afraid of actively pursuing his interest on him. Maybe he was scared of getting hurt again. And, maybe –not really, this was a definitely–, Luke had smelled it all a mile away, and he was simply trying to make Ashton admit what he had known all along. Ashton _wanted_ to get to know Calum. Desperately. He was just being a coward.

Ashton chanced a look at the clock near the TV. It was already half-past three. Maybe he could get to the shopping centre before closing time. Yeah. Maybe he could. If he hurried.

***

_Oh god, was he really going to do this?_ Ashton shook his head, clicking the door to his Mini shut. He had showered in a rush, trying to get ready before his insanity –or rash of foolish bravery– died down. Ashton felt completely nuts. He didn’t even know if Calum would be working.

The walk down to the store was more or less quick. He passed by his favourite Greek restaurant and eyed the baklavas in display, but Ashton knew if he stopped now, he wouldn’t have enough courage left to finish his race to the shop. Even if he craved one so badly.

It didn’t matter anyway because he ended up in front of the store way quicker than he thought he would. And now came the hard thing.

Should he just go inside looking for Calum? Fake interest in the things at display just so he wouldn’t seem so desperate? Ugh, this shit was hard. And he was completely lame and not even close to knowing how to handle a crush. For fuck’s sake, he was 24 already. He should’ve grown out of his awkward phase already, shouldn’t he?

Ashton took out his phone to check the time. It was half-past four, which meant the store would be closing in like, 30 minutes. If he was going to go inside, he should hurry. But, the window shop looked cute all decorated for Christmas. It was nowhere near close to the other shops he’d pass on his way here, but it was still cute. A string of lights surrounding the entire window with bells hanging artfully from them –Ashton tried really hard not to think about _Jingle Bells_ but it was _just there_ –, and a tree to the side. Ashton’s eyes locked on the Christmas balls hanging from it, thinking back to the day he met Calum. Did he put all those up?

Suddenly his eyes caught up with a worker fixing some clothes behind the glass, and his heart gave a lurch. But it wasn’t Calum. Wait. Was that guy Calum’s friend from the bonfire? But hadn’t him been red-head? Before he could see his face, the other boy turned around and Ashton lost sight of him.

Great. If it had been him, would he go get Calum? Tell him Ashton had been gawking at the window shop like a creep? _Ugh_.

Resisting the urge to groan, he turned around and entered the shop. That strategy of faking interest in the clothes just seemed a lot better than standing there like a moron at the window.

He went by the aisle he had met Calum –really lame, he knew– and started perusing the shelves. As a matter of fact, he kind of needed new gloves and maybe a beanie. The gloves he had were tearing apart in several places and Ashton was too lazy to fix them. He was searching for a couple of screen-touch gloves when he heard someone cough behind him.

“Need any help, sir?”

Ashton flinched unintentionally, but it wasn’t Calum. He was sure. The tone of this guy was higher. He rolled his eyes at himself for flinching and didn’t even turn around to look at the clerk.

“No, thanks.”

Ashton hoped the dude caught the hint and went away. He was really regretting coming here in the first place. _What had he been thinking?_

“You’re _‘nurse-Ashton’_ , aren’t you?”

Came the voice again, his tone teasing, and Ashton wanted the ground to open up and take him. Oh god, he had almost forgotten how Calum had called that. Not caring that he was probably embarrassing himself in front of a stranger he let his head fall against the shelf, hitting it repeatedly while he groaned. What had his life turned to.

“Hey, man. No need to do that. Calum was actually lucky someone noticed and told him not to walk on that ankle. He took your advice.”

Ashton groaned one more time before turning back to face at the boy. It was Calum’s friend. Fuck.

“You dyed your hair blue.” Ashton blurted out without thinking. Just a week ago he was certain this guy’s hair had been red. He had been staring too much not to remember it.

“Yeah! Wanted to fit in with the Christmas spirit!” The dude didn’t even seem fazed that someone he had never met before knew he had dyed his hair.

“Wouldn’t staying red have been more fitting?” Ashton frowned.

“Nah, that’s Coca-Cola propaganda.” The boy laughed. “Blue-grey is way wintrier.”

“Touché.” Ashton chuckled. He couldn’t really argue with that.

“So… Looking for something in particular?” The guy went on, his eyes falling to where Ashton was clutching the shelf. “Gloves? Hat? Beanie? A tall, dark-haired Scotsman?”

Ashton choked on his own spit. He honestly, truly choked. He started coughing as the younger man clapped his back, laughing all the while.

“No need to be so dramatic.”

“I’m feeling really lame right now.” Ashton muttered, still trying to catch his breath. There were tears prickling at the corner of his eyes from the coughing fit, and he was sure he was as red as a tomato.

“Aww, you’re cute. No wonder Cal’s got his pants in a twist.” Ashton could swear his idiot heart skipped a beat. Literally. “Either that or he’s into weird, kinky roleplay. You fit really well the nurse trope. Or maybe just a caring role. I don’t know.”

And... he was blushing again.

“I’m Michael, by the way.” The guy said, still laughing, but offering Ashton his hand.

“Ashton, although you already knew that.”

“Kinda hard not to. Calum wouldn’t shut up about you that entire weekend.” Michael’s voice sounded like a complaint, but Ashton could nevertheless detect a trace of fondness underneath. “You were at the Cambourne bonfire, right?”

“Right.” Ashton started feeling dizzy just thinking back to the amount of staring he had done. There’s no way he didn’t pass as a creep after that.

“Yeeeah. Calum couldn’t stop glancing at the mulled wine stall. It was weird, because there were two of you, so I couldn’t know which one he was lusting after, but yeah. Saw you staring as much as he did. It was kind of stressful watching you two.”

“Oh god.” Ashton whined. If there had been a seat or something he would have definitely sat down.

“No need to sound so embarrassed, mate. You two clearly fancy each other.” Michael continued, as if he didn’t know it were his own words, spilling without control, that were leaving Ashton completely dizzy from all the blood rushing to his cheeks.

“Did you come here looking for him?” Michael asked, this time the teasing gone from his voice.

“Kinda. It was a lame thought-out plan.”

Ashton knew he was looking pretty pathetic now.

“Nah, I’d say Cal would’ve liked it.” He winced hearing that. Michael was probably just lying to smooth out the awkwardness. “Sadly, he’s not working today, man.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“I’m sorry.” Michael sounded sincere, and Ashton appreciated it.

Well. One time he followed an impulse and didn’t wait for it to go away like a coward, and it hadn’t really panned out the way he liked. Ashton probably should’ve expected it.

“I guess I’ll just go home, then. It has to be nearly closing time, now.”

Michael looked around, his brow furrowing for a second, before he turned back to Ashton.

“Oh, you still have ten more minutes before we clock out.” He said tiredly. “Were you actually looking for gloves or was that just an excuse to find Calum?”

Ashton felt colour rising to his cheeks again but answered Michael quickly. Might as well.

“Need new gloves. Screen-touch, preferably.”

“Oh, we have those by the check-out. Follow me.” Michael started walking down the aisle without even waiting for Ashton.

Wow. Okay. So, this mission had been a failure. Sort of. Everyone kept telling Ashton that Calum was into him. Everyone but the boy himself. Fuck. He really should have gone and talked to him at the bonfire. Ashton had had the opportunity right there, and he blew it. Because he was _scared_. It served him well that Calum wasn’t here today. Ashton didn’t deserve it.

“So, colour preference?” Michael asked as they arrived at the stand.

“Just black.”

“Like my soul.” Michael added, before completely cracking up. There was no one else in line to pay, and the other girl at the cash register just rolled her eyes at Michael.

“There you go!” He handed Ashton the gloves and was turning around to go on his way when Ashton stopped him.

“Wait!”

Michael turned around, one eyebrow arched, his lips turning in amusement.

“Yes?”

Ashton didn’t even know what his intention was when asking him to stop, but Michael was a link to Calum and apparently there was a part of his brain that didn’t want to give that opportunity up.

“I…” Ashton started. Okay. Here it went. “I, uhm… Could you…” He saw Michael’s smirk growing, clearly more and more amused by Ashton’s entirely display. “Can you give me his number?” He sputtered, waiting for Michael to start laughing in his face. But the boy’s smirk fell, sad expression replacing it.

“I’m… I’m sorry, man. I’m not really comfortable sharing it without his knowledge. I’m sorry.”

“It’s… It’s okay. I understand.”

And he did. If Michael was refusing to give his number, he was indeed being a good friend. Not like _someone_ Ashton knew. He had received more than one unwanted text because of his idiotic best friend and his lack of boundaries.

“I’m truly sorry.” Michael started. “It’s just. Calum’s actually really private and I’d rather keep all my limbs attached to my body.” He ended with a joke, trying to lighten up the mood. Ashton appreciated it, but it still stung that having followed his impulse had been futile.

“Yeah, yeah. Understood. Thanks anyway!” Ashton tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure it hadn’t come out as a grimace. “I’ll leave it to the universe, then.” He chuckled, trying to rid himself of the feeling of defeat.

“Can’t you just look him up on the internet like a normal millennial?” Michael asked.

Ashton scrunched up his face, disgusted by the idea. Yes, he was completely obsessed with Calum –probably in a really unhealthy way– but looking someone up online just seemed a little… extra. And totally _stalkerish_.

“I don’t really like to do that. Seems like an invasion of privacy.” Ashton finally answered, scratching his head.

Michael’s eyebrows shot up, apparently surprised by the answer but he nodded all the same, clearly respecting Ashton’s point.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Michael smiled at him. “Well, see you around.”

“See you. Thanks for the help.” Ashton smiled as he held out the gloves, but he knew both of them knew he meant for more than that.

“T’is my job.” Michael chuckled. “I’ll tell Calum you stopped by.”

Ashton grimaced involuntarily.

“Or not?”

Ashton shrugged his shoulders. At this point he just wasn’t sure ever getting to know the boy was even in his future. Maybe his window of opportunity had passed.

“Okay. Bye, _nurse_ Ashton!” Michael laughed, obviously trying to imitate whatever Calum had been calling him when talking to Michael about Ashton. That was a thing. That had happened. Calum talking about Ashton to Michael.

Ashton shook his head from that trail of thought just enough to vaguely wave Michael goodbye as he approached the cash register.

The walk back to his car was slow. He stopped at Gardenia to get his baklavas. Ashton hadn’t gotten to meet Calum, but he was surely taking some home. Sweets always helped.

While he waited for the staff to prepare his order, he took a look around the street. They had already hung out the Christmas lights, but they wouldn’t be lit until later in the month. It still felt like Christmas was just around the corner. People were out on the street, even with the cold, just hanging around and enjoying the view. Ashton certainly loved how Cambridge looked at night. It seemed like the setting from a fairy tale. The old stone buildings. The cute little shops. It was kind of magical already. Ashton couldn’t wait to see the city when it was all lit up with Christmas decorations. It would be gorgeous.

He was called to the counter where he quickly paid his order. Ashton was tired, and he just wanted to get home, put on his fuzzy pyjamas, eat his dinner and call it a night.

He started walking down the road again, now carrying his precious dessert. Ashton was thankful he had found parking near the city centre today. It had been actually kind of lucky. He was looking down at the boxes and he nearly missed the cyclist coming his way. He stepped aside just in time to watch him flew by and stop at Gardenia, leaving his bike out front, hopping to the counter. Ashton shook his head. He understood craving a good souvlaki, but the cyclists in this town were mad sometimes. He laughed a little and went on his way. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could sleep, and he really, really needed that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!! ^^
> 
> Kind of a slow chapter, and a slow beggining of the story overall, sorry 😅 But believe me when I say things start to pick up next chapter and after that things escalate *quickly*  
> (I hate myself too for keeping them apart for so long 💔, but Calum comes back next chapter so everything is good *.*)


	4. White Christmas

It had already been three weeks since he first met Calum, and Ashton was still a giant mess. _Three weeks._ Ashton would like to think that he had forgotten all about the boy he saw twice and talked to once, but he was crushing on him harder each passing day. And when you didn’t see the person you were crushing on, when you didn’t talk to them, you tended to idolise them. Or that was what Ashton kept telling himself every time he thought about Calum’s warm smile and his chocolate eyes. Ugh, he sounded lame even in his own head.

“What you thinking so hard about, Irwin?” Norah asked as she poked him in the ribs.

A few of the people from the ED had gone out to a pub after the shift, Luke and Ashton among them. They were crammed in a corner of the bar, near the window, and now they all seemed to have their eyes trained on him.

“He’s just pining after this boy he met weeks ago.” Luke wobbly answered for him.

And wow. Ashton knew Luke got mean with a few beers on him, but this may have been too much. He sent Luke an offended look but the other boy just laughed it off.

“Weeks ago? And you haven’t made a move on him yet?” Alfie, a guy Ashton wasn’t particularly fond of, sneered from across him.

“No, but I don’t think that’s any of your business, Friar.” Ashton grunted out. He didn’t like talking about his love life on a good day with his friends. Today he was just generally crabby and these people, Friar specially, weren’t his friends. Well, they were, for the most part. But they weren’t _close_ friends, like Luke was. Ashton liked working with them –even Friar– because they were good at their job, but out of work… The team just wasn’t his usual crowd.

Thankfully, Alfie backed off after Ashton snapped at him, seemingly understanding he was in no mood to talk. At least he wasn’t nosy. Ashton would give him that.

Ashton felt Luke elbowing him under the table, making him wince.

“Sorry. You okay?”

“Yeah. But please don’t share my life with this bunch?” He whispered back. “I mean, normally I like them, but you know they’re way too gossipy.”

Luke laughed behind his glass, taking another gulp.

“You have permission to hit me next time.” He joked after swallowing. There was foam stuck to his lip, but it amused Ashton way immensely to say anything about it.

“Why does there have to be a next time?”

“Because I can’t control myself when drunk and you know it.”

“Well, that’s true.” Ashton chuckled. He looked around, trying to get a sense of what time it was, but the place was still pretty packed up. It didn’t mean a thing anyway, because Ashton was tired, and he just wanted to go back home. “You want to ditch and come to my place? Continue our Doctor Who re-watch?” He asked Luke.

The younger guy smiled at him apologetically before answering.

“As tempting as that sounds, I think I just want to crash on my own bed tonight.”

“Understandable.” After all, Ashton wanted to do the same. “Well, I guess I’m heading home now.”

“You driving?” Luke asked, the last sober cell of his brain making a comeback for Ashton’s safety.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I switched to coke after two beers, and I’m stopping someplace to get something to eat before I pick up the car.”

Luke nodded and turned away, swaying slightly even in his own seat, before trying to get back into the group conversation. Ashton thanked god that Priya lived in the same building as Luke, otherwise he would have been morally obligated to stay and take care of his drunk ass. Laughing at the team talking animatedly about the Secret Santa their manager had roped them into, Ashton gathered his phone and wallet as he put on his coat and scarf.

“Okay, people.” He spoke up. “I’m making a pit stop at Gardenia, anyone wants to join?” He crossed his fingers inside the pockets wishing no one wanted to come with. He actually had enjoyed the night, but right now he just craved a nice kebab and then getting home.

“You can order something here?” Norah ask from his right, looking up.

“The kitchen closed like an hour ago.” He laughed. So, Luke wasn’t the only one intoxicated.

“Oh, true.” She giggled before going back to her chat with Priya. No one else had said anything, so Ashton took it as a no.

“Well, see you in a couple of days.” He directed as a general goodbye, various _‘Good nights’_ reaching his ears before he walked away.

“Wait, Ash.” Luke stopped him before he could even walk two steps. “Text me when you arrive home.”

“Same to you.”

Luke grinned and dived back in to the discussion. Ashton shook his head. Luke could be a moron, but he still was a damn good friend.

As he made his way towards the city centre, his thoughts drifted back to Calum. Luke had groaned when Ashton finally caved and told him about the trip to the shop in hopes to find him. And then he had just face-palmed himself after Ashton told him Michael had denied his request for Calum’s number. _I swear sometimes you’re really fucking stupid_ – Luke had said–. _You could have just left him yours_. And yeah. The thought of leaving his number for Calum had never passed his mind. Ashton had been distracted by the fact that he hadn’t _been_ there. Ashton had been disappointed.

Still, Ashton should have left his number to Michael instead of asking for Calum’s. He was a stupid, thinking he had missed his opportunity with Calum while it hadn’t even occurred to him to leave his number. He was really, truly out of his element. And he hadn’t found strength in himself to go back to the shop after that. If Michael had blabbed about his visit to Calum, he was sure the younger boy would want nothing to do with him. Anyhow, he was still pathetically pining.

He reached Gardenia quicker than he thought he would, and thankfully there wasn’t much of a queue for a Thursday. It gave him time to eye the menu before it was his turn although he would surely just end up ordering his usual. There weren’t any seats available at the window bar, and Ashton sighed thinking about having to go upstairs. The restaurant area was lovely, but the stairs to get there and the general building were creepy as hell. Plus, having the first floor be a kind of like the owners living room was weird.

Soon enough he was the first in line, and sure enough, he ordered the same he always did.

“Um, hi. One lamb souvlaki and three baklavas, please.”

“To have here or to go?” The dude behind the counter asked while writing it down and pinning it to the board.

“Here, please.”

The guy lifted his head from the notepad, taking a quick survey of the place only to say what Ashton had been fearing.

“There’s free tables upstairs.”

“Thanks.” Ashton replied quickly handling him the money, and with a resigned sigh he started the climb upstairs.

Ashton huffed as he arrived to the second floor where the dining area was, stripping off his coat and scarf. He wouldn’t be needing them here, it was cosy. His first impression of the room was that it was completely empty, and a shiver ran through him. Ashton never liked this place too much when he was the only customer up here. It gave him the creeps. However, …

“Do you have a habit of eating alone, Mr _Nurse_ Ashton?”

“Fuck” Ashton almost dropped his phone before he heard the other boy laughing. How could he have missed him when he came in?

“Oh god, did I freak you out?” Calum asked, trying to stifle his laugh behind his right hand. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. Sorry.” He sounded apologetic, but his eyes were sparkling with mirth. Ashton’s heart gave a somersault.

“Just startled me.” _Startled your ass, Irwin. You were having a frigging heart attack._

Calum was here. In the flesh. After three weeks. And he was still as hot as Ashton remember. Plus, he was wearing a grey turtleneck that fit his body just right, leaving nothing to the imagination. And Ashton had imagined many, many things. The guy before him was better.

“Hi. Um… nice to see you.” And now he sounded like a complete social freak.

“You too.” Calum smiled kindly. He was eyeing Ashton up and down, and it made him feel self-conscious. Had he left his fly open last time he went to the bathroom at the pub? Or was there something on his face? He tried to shake the thoughts as Calum’s eyes finally trailed back up to his. And then he sputtered the first thing that came to mind.

“How you walking?”

 _Real smooth, Ashton_. It was like he couldn’t even manage proper English anymore. Calum’s smile widened, but he didn’t laugh. Thank god.

“Oh. The sprain healed quickly after I got sent home by my manager.”

Had he been fired? Oh fuck, Ashton hoped not.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no.” The younger boy laughed. “I didn’t lose my job. I was just _delicately_ asked not to show until I could walk on my _‘two stupid legs’_ , I believe were the exact words.”

“They sound charming.” Ashton piped in. Whoever the manager was clearly didn’t have much patience.

“Oh, you met him.” Calum snickered.

“What?”

“Blue-haired guy? About my height?” _Michael was Calum’s boss? Fuck._ “He’s the manager. He said you talked to him?” Calum tilted his head to one side and Ashton’s brain froze for a second at how cute that was. And for some strange reason it reminded Ashton of a puppy. He was sick in the head.

“Oh. Uhm. Yeah.” God, he sounded so dumb. And Calum was still looking up at him, big doe eyes curious. Ashton feared the answer to his next question, but he just had to ask. “Did he, um, say anything else?” He stuttered out, clutching his scarf in his hands.

Calum eyed him amusedly from his seat.

“Should he have?”

And Ashton knew just from the smirk threatening to grow on Calum’s face that Michael had indeed told him, and that that somehow left Ashton in disadvantage right now. He decided to play it dumb. After all, that’s what he had been sounding like, right?

“I don’t know?” He offered slowly.

Calum kept looking at his eyes for a moment before breaking in a little laugh that made Ashton’s heart speed up. His eyes travelled the place, looking at everything except Calum. God. He was so nervous. He had told himself he was idolising Calum in his mind, but the guy in front of him was gorgeous and Ashton didn’t know how to keep his cool.

“Do you want to sit down?”

Ashton honest to god let out a little squeak. _Why. Why did he have to be so lame?_ He could feel heat rising to his –already red, he was sure– cheeks. He looked down to Calum mirroring his smile and prayed the boy didn’t think him a psycho. It had been a while since he last felt like this with someone, and the beating of his heart and the dizziness were things that Ashton had missed, but that didn’t leave him in a really good light if it made him appear like a lunatic in front of Calum.

The younger boy, however, was looking down to the table, and Ashton could have sworn he was blushing too. Well. That meant maybe he wasn’t in this boat alone. He counted it as a victory.

Ashton glanced at the table, noticing for the first time the scattered books, notebooks and pens, and the blinking screen of the laptop next to a couple of now empty dishes.

“Were you studying?” He asked worriedly.

“Yeah, but I can take a break.”

“Oh.”

“So?” Calum looked up at him in a manner that Ashton could only call hopeful. “You want to sit down?”

“Y-yeah.” He stammered out. His heart was pounding in his ears and he didn’t remember the last time he had been this nervous when talking to someone. Well. He did. But that was for another time.

“Cool.” Calum happily closed his books and gathered his loose notes, stacking them together and shoving them to the side eagerly along with his laptop. Clearly, he wanted a rest. Ashton took a seat across from him. “So, what are you doing at half-past twelve in the morning at a Greek place, nurse Ashton?”

He winced at the nickname, and he hoped to god it didn’t stick. Calum laughed a little at his reaction, but otherwise awaited for his answer.

“Was hanging out with some colleagues after work, but the pub kitchen was closed, and I was hungry.”

“Reasonable.” Calum said good-naturedly.

Ashton was now kind of distracted by his hands. The tattoos were stark against his brown skin, and he surprisingly had his nails painted black. Ashton never knew he was attracted to guys with nail polish, but damn, those hands were making him feel something. Ashton watched as Calum started tapping on the table, suddenly bringing him back to the present. He was with Calum for the first time after having spent three weeks thinking and wondering about him and his life, and Ashton was wasting his time. Ugh.

“And you?”

“Have a nightmarish workload to get through and my flatmate had his girlfriend over.”

“Ouch.” Ashton winced. He was glad he could afford to live alone.

“Yeah.” Calum laughed. “But this place is cool. I’m here practically every other day.” He confessed under his breath, his eyes skirting over the table and an adorable blush dusting his cheeks. Ashton was going to have a heart attack. He even felt his left arm starting to hurt. Psychology was a bitch.

“Best baklavas in town.” He managed out, and Calum looked back to him, a small smile playing in his lips.

“Agreed.”

Ashton smiled back, kind of fascinated by Calum’s eyes and, oh god. He was staring too much. He felt himself _staring too much_ , and he knew it for a fact when Calum diverted his eyes and drew in on himself, self-conscious.

Ashton tried looking everywhere but the boy, and he wasn’t really trying to snoop, but his eyes fell on Calum’s notes and his books and…

“Is this… you’re a _physics_ student?” He said shockingly. Calum peered back at him and started laughing.

“No, I’m a physics _graduate._ ” Calum replied, and Ashton detected a hint of pride in his voice. Well, he should be proud. Physics was _hard._ “I’m an Astrophysics postgrad at Cavendish.”

“Fuck.” Ashton blurted out. He had driven in front of the Observatory way too many times for that name not to ring a bell. This guy was studying Astrophysics at frigging University of Cambridge. Ashton thought he would have been a commuter.

“Impressed?” Calum said across the table.

“Yes. Fuck. You must have one hell of a brain.”

And what followed was the simplest, most adorable reaction of all time. Calum got super red and bashful, lowering his gaze away from Ashton’s eyes and drawing in his shoulders.

“Um.” He heard the younger boy stammer. “Uh. Thanks?”

Ashton felt his heart explode, warmth radiating everywhere. How could one person be so fucking cute and bashful about this when he had been so proud just before about his degree.

“It was a compliment.” Ashton added, just to see how Calum responded, and… He got even redder. “So, what got you into physics?”

This seemed to bring Calum slightly out of his bashfulness, his eyes sparkling and the smile growing on his face.

“I was one of those kids fascinated with space and astronauts. My entire room was covered in glow-in-the-dark stars and planets were hanging from the ceiling. I was a total nerd.” Calum laughed, and Ashton tried to imagine a little version of him playing with a Solar System model. Yeah, he could picture that. “I outgrew the astronaut phase, but I still think space is frigging cool.”

Ashton chuckled at Calum’s energy.

“You sound passionate.”

“I am.” Calum chuckled in return, his crinkled eyes inviting Ashton to laugh along with him. It was kind of impossible to deny. Impossibly cute too.

“Actually…” Calum started. “Um, you remember how I said I sprained my ankle at the shop that day?”

Ashton didn’t know where he was going with this, but Calum had this somewhat timid smile pulling at his lips and it was captivating. Ashton found himself glancing at Calum’s mouth more frequently than he probably should have.

“Yeah?”

“I lied. I went out by myself at night to the middle of nowhere with my telescope and lost my footing climbing up a hill.” He whispered, as if there was any chance of someone overhearing.

“You’re joking.” Ashton snorted incredulously.

“I wish I was. This way it makes me sound kind of pathetic.” It did not, it only increased his level of adorableness in Ashton’s mind, and that had already been over the roof. “The part about me being clumsy wasn’t a lie though.” Calum added, making Ashton laugh.

“Did you manage to see anything?”

He hoped the trip hadn’t been in vain. Ashton didn’t know anything about telescopes, but he knew they couldn’t be easy to handle. But Calum just nodded happily.

“Yeah, got a few cool pics too.”

“I want to say I’m glad, but that would sound like I’m glad you got hurt, and that goes against my code as a nurse and, well, a person.” Flirting didn’t come very easily to Ashton, and he felt stupid even trying to do it. _Ugh_. _Why did he say such a lame thing?_

“I understand.” Calum said very seriously, reaching out for his hand for a moment, clearly continuing the play. Ashton’s breath hitched at the contact, but Calum was quickly breaking up, not able to keep a straight face any longer. It made Ashton giggle too. Even if he was feeling lamer by the hour.

Thankfully, a waiter came in that moment with his order, and he was oh so grateful for the chance to take a breather. He left it quickly at the table and Ashton almost moaned at the delicious smell wafting up his nose.

“Hey, you mind watching my stuff for a minute?” Calum interrupted his thoughts. “I want to order something now too, I’m jealous.”

“I can share.” Ashton prompted, perhaps way too hastily. Calum looked at him quizzically from across the table. “I mean, I have already _had_ dinner at the pub. This was just a pit-stop.”

“So you were kind of drunk and needed time to pass before going home?” Calum translated, and Ashton felt himself blushing again at having been caught.

“Yup, that’s exactly what happened.” He admitted.

Calum cracked up, but it was in good nature.

“You sure you don’t mind sharing?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.” Ashton gestured towards the chips as he himself took one and dipped it in the tzatziki. “Oh god, I always forget how heavenly these taste.”

“I know, right?” Calum answered, devouring one of his own. “Where are you from, though?” He asked curiously as he picked up another chip. “I’m sorry, I can’t place your accent.”

Ashton laughed. His accent had been all over the place since he got here. He knew he still sounded faintly Australian, but with so many different accents in the unit, his was kind of a mess.

“I’m from Sydney.”

Calum was clearly surprised, drawing another laugh from Ashton.

“Oh wow. Long way. How did you end up here of all places?”

Ashton grimaced. He struggled to hide it, and he could see how Calum noticed.

“I just wanted to see a little of the world, you know?” He tried. It wasn’t technically a lie, so. “The UK seemed a good place. And Cambridge is beautiful.”

Calum seemed to take his answer. However, Ashton could tell the other boy knew there was something else. But he didn’t mention it. Ashton was grateful.

“It must be so different though. The seasons all mixed up and stuff.”

“Yeah.” Ashton laughed. “My birthday’s in July and that’s like, winter at home. This year it was weird, having it out with 30 degrees.”

“I can imagine.” The younger boy laughed with him.

Ashton took the knife and tried cutting down the kebab and meat, Calum observing him from the other end of the table. He finally succeeded, turning the plate around so Calum could reach it too. He watched as the younger boy picked a little piece of meat with his fork and brought it up to his mouth, softly moaning when he tasted it. Ashton blushed, hurrying to eat too so he didn’t look like a creep.

“You ever seen a kangaroo?” Calum asked excitedly after a couple of minutes of silence. Ashton smiled at his sudden eagerness.

“Not up-close?” He answered slowly. Calum’s face fell for a second, furrowing his brow before training his eyes again on the food.

Ugh. Should Ashton had said yes? Even if it wasn’t true just to keep the conversation going? It was clear that after the standard questions neither of them knew how to proceed. Well. Calum had at least tried. Ashton was too busy trying not to get caught up in staring at the younger boy, nor choking on his meal because he didn’t remember how to breathe properly. He was having a very difficult time at that. He found himself admiring Calum’s tattoos again, his eyes drawn to them as if they were a magnet. Maybe he could ask what they meant? Although they seemed like initials. Perhaps that question was too personal after having just met each other.

“You know what?” Calum said, startling him from his thoughts. “I envy you. Your night sky is amazing and I’d give anything to be able to see it in person. Study it with my telescope.” He sighed, and Ashton’s heart warmed up that this beautiful guy was so passionate about his studies. You often didn’t see that anymore. “But I have to make do with catalogue pics.” Calum concluded, chuckling a little.

“You can always visit sometime.” Ashton offered.

“Yeah, I don’t really have that kind of money, though.” Calum frowned. Ashton remember how much it hurt paying for the ticket here. It wasn’t what you’d call cheap. “I’m working at Topman to pay for rent and thank god I’m on a scholarship.”

He was on a scholarship? Oh fuck. Intelligent wasn’t even close to what this guy had to be. Ashton felt stupid just sitting in front of him. _Why was Calum wasting time chatting with him, anyway?_ He noticed the other boy smiling at him from across the table, a little of tzatziki sauce stuck to his upper lip. Ashton wanted to reach out and swipe it off –what a goddam cliché he was– but he opted for just pointing it out.

“You, um, have some sauce on your lips.”

He saw Calum blushing a tenfold, hurrying to grab a napkin and hide behind it while he wiped it off.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, cheeks still a brilliant red.

“So, um… Still looking forward to Christmas?” He heard Calum ask after he finished cleaning himself.

“Yeah.” Ashton started. “I’m excited to see the lights too. And the Christmas market, everyone told me it’s really good.”

Calum nodded as he kept attacking the chips.

“You have anyone coming to visit?”

“I, um. No. Couldn’t really afford three tickets.” Ashton said. He couldn’t even afford one back for himself. “It’s solo time.”

“No one should be alone at Christmas, though.” Calum muttered, his eyes trained on the table for some reason.

“Um. I have some friends that invited me over for dinner and such although I don’t know if I’ll go. Was thinking of maybe making a trip. Actually see a _white_ Christmas for the first time in my life.” He chuckled. Calum laughed too, but it sounded distracted.

Ashton didn’t know how to continue the conversation now, so he just dug in again on the food, checking the time on his phone. It was nearing 1 am already, and although at the pub he had been kind of sleepy, now he was completely awake. Calum’s hair had fallen on his eyes and Ashton felt an itch to reach and comb it back again, but that was way too intimate a gesture. The younger boy caught him looking, and instead of diverting his eyes like before, he just smiled.

Ashton couldn’t believe he actually had him face to face. That he was talking to him. Sharing a meal. He had almost given up of ever chancing upon him again. But here he was. As gorgeous as Ashton remembered, and more fascinating that Ashton could have ever hoped.

Luke’s voice seemed to slip on his mind, willing him to ask for Calum’s number. Well, it was now or never.

“Can I…” His voice cracked up, making him cough a little as Calum’s watchful eyes locked on him. Maybe he was wrong, but he thought he detected a hint of hope mirroring his own. “Can I get your number?” He stuttered in one breath. He was sure he was blushing even to his ears, and oh god the wait was the worst part. But Calum was beaming and reaching out for Ashton’s phone on the table.

“Yeah, of course.” Ashton thought he was the only one nervous, but Calum’s voice wobbled and blood was rushing to his face as his wrote down his number under contacts. Ashton couldn’t believe he was the cause of that adorable blush.

Their fingers brushed when Calum handed him the phone back, and Ashton’s breath hitched. His eyes darting to Calum’s only to find him staring at their hands. Then he looked back up to Ashton and he felt the air leaving his lungs. They stayed like that for a couple of seconds until Ashton couldn’t take it anymore. He averted his gaze to the table, trying to regain a normal breathing pattern.

They finished the meal in relative silence, Calum asking once or twice about Ashton’s work at the ED, making him launch to one of the funniest admissions they have had in the last couple of months. Well. There had been hundreds –most of them sex-related– but this one afternoon this dad had come with their son saying he had a tooth stuck in his ear. The child had been playing with a milk tooth and it had fallen inside his ear canal. Certainly, that had been a first for Ashton. Calum laughed across the table, asking all the right questions, and before they knew it, there wasn’t any food left on the plate and they had devoured the baklavas.

“So…” Ashton started. “I guess I should go home. It’s kind of late.”

Calum laughed quietly across the table. No one else had come upstairs, but Ashton wasn’t surprised. Most people just bought take out.

“Yeah, it’s more than kind of late. I should head home too.” Calum agreed, checking his own phone. But he was smiling nonetheless. “Unless...” Ashton looked curiously from his side of the table. “... you could stop for hot chocolate?” The younger boy asked quietly, avoiding his eyes for a moment before looking up.

“At this time of night?” Ashton retorted. Not that he didn’t want to spend more time with Calum. He would kill for more time. His smile seemed to be the go-ahead Calum needed, because he packed his books in his backpack and put on his coat quickly, gesturing Ashton to do the same.

Ashton took a little time before doing so. Calum was wearing incredibly tight tartan trousers and fuck, they left Ashton’s mouth dry.

“Follow me.” Calum said, tying on his scarf, and Ashton hurried up to put on his own coat and scarf, following the boy downstairs.

He almost run into him when Calum stopped at the kitchen level to say thanks and goodbye to the cook before finishing their trail to the ground floor. Cold air hit them with force as soon as they stepped outside, and Ashton clutched his coat tighter about himself as he watched Calum taking out the safe from a bike resting just out the door. Wait. That bike...

“Wait, that’s yours?” He asked approaching Calum slowly.

The younger boy looked up from his place on the ground, quickly undoing the knot with the chains and storing them inside his now overfilled backpack.

“Yeah?”

“Huh.” Ashton let out. So, he had been the crazy kid that almost run him over two weeks ago. Cool. “Okay.”

“What?” Calum asked curiously as he got up, starting to walk down the street with his bike to his side.

“Nothing.” Ashton caught up with him, smiling amusedly. “Where’s this place we’re going?”

Calum scratched the side of his face where his beanie had forced his curls to plaster over.

“Actually, I miscalculated the time, so I was just going to invite you to a hot chocolate at my place…?” He trailed off, and Ashton’s heart started to pound inside his chest. “If you want. As a thank you for the souvlaki. But if you prefer to go home that’s fine. Or you can come if you like. Or not. But I’ll have you know I make a mean _hot chocolate_.” Ashton let out a giggle at Calum’s rambling, making the other boy blush, clearly embarrassed. He stopped in the middle of some bridge Ashton remembered to have crossed another time, but he wasn’t sure when. “Don’t know why I said that. Please forget that I said that?”

Calum pleaded, his hands gripping the handlebar of the bike between them. Ashton reached out impulsively with his right hand and squeezed Calum’s left quickly before retreating it again to his pocket.

“No, no.” He smiled, and Calum looked at him with his cheeks still a little flushed. “Chocolate sounds good.”

He saw a timid smile pulling at Calum’s lips, and his own twitched upwards in response.

“Good.”

Calum repeated. But he didn’t start walking again. Ashton could feel his heart beating a thousand times per minute, his cheeks reddening –which he would definitely blame on the cold wind washing from the canal–. Calum was slightly blushing too, his eyes trained on Ashton. It was like time had suddenly stopped. With the hour being so late they were most certainly the only people on the bridge, no sounds heard besides the wind. The Christmas lights still hadn’t been lit, and they were left at the mercy of a flickering old lamppost. It made shadows dance on Calum’s features, made his eyes look incredibly inviting.

Ashton found himself taking a step closer as if in a trance. Calum’s eyes flashed downwards, and Ashton’s mouth went dry. He knew he had to be hyperventilating in some amount because there was a tingling feeling on the tip of his fingers, still inside his pockets. He wanted to reach out and grab Calum, take him closer. Who was he kidding, he needed to be kissing him like, yesterday, but there was still something in the air. Something that made this wait worth it. Calum’s lips twisted slightly upwards, making Ashton self-aware of his blatant staring. It felt like a challenge almost, but when he looked back up again Calum’s eyes were anything but challenging.

He was looking at Ashton with such an intensity, an emotion Ashton wasn’t used to have looking back at him. His heart wrenched, and he felt some tears prickling at the corner of his eyes.

He couldn’t take it. With a pang to his chest he took a step back, diverting his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at Calum as his face fell. He cursed himself for breaking so easily and felt even worse when he glanced back up to see Calum’s disappointment.

“I… um.” Ashton mumbled. “I think I actually should go home.”

He coughed a little, trying to remove the lump he felt constricting his throat. His eyes fell to Calum’s hands, white from gripping the handlebar.

“Oh.”

Calum’s disappointment felt like a stab to his heart, and Ashton tried to move past it. He chanced an apologetic smile towards the other boy, but Calum’s face seemed devoid of any feeling right now.

“It was great bumping into you again.” Ashton tried. The corner of Calum’s lips turned upwards just a little bit, and although it wasn’t an outright smile, Ashton took it as a good sign.

“Same here.” He finally heard him answer.

They stood there for a couple of seconds, Ashton feeling incredibly awkward now.

“I’ll… I’ll text you.” He croaked out, his eyes trained on the bike. Any excuse not to look back up. Except.

“Okay.” Calum said with a small voice, forcing Ashton to look up. He smiled a little before turning away and walking in the opposite direction Calum had been taking them.

It wasn’t the end of the night Ashton had expected after meeting Calum again, and the only one to blame was himself. He kept fucking things up. And he knew why, and he was furious at himself for letting it interfere in his life, but he just couldn’t stop it.

He was just about to turn right onto another street when he heard Calum shout.

“Drive safely!”

He turned around to watch as Calum got on his bike, smiling and waving him goodbye. He waved back and turned before he could watch Calum cycling away.

*** * ***

He arrived home some thirty minutes later, swiftly locking up and shuffling upstairs, where his Christmas decorations were waiting in boxes to be put up. It was quite cold.

Ashton brushed his teeth and cleaned his face quickly, delaying his wish of falling face first into the bed. As soon as he had changed into his pyjamas, he remembered his promise to Luke and shoot him a quick text. He was closing all open apps when he saw the contacts one, still open after Calum had input his number.

Ashton felt bad for having almost literally fled the bridge after that little _moment_. He felt he should probably apologise or something, but he wasn’t good with these things. He sighed, letting himself fall into his bed, writing something quickly and sending it before he chickened out.

_Hey, this is Ashton._

_I just got home._

It seemed way too short and impersonal, and even though he knew he should apologise, he couldn’t. At least not via text.

_I was really glad I bumped into you again._

He added after a little consideration. He really was glad to have run into him again. Was more than glad. He hoped Calum would still want to talk to him even after Ashton left him kind of hanging.

To Ashton’s relieve, he didn’t have to wait too much, because Calum replied almost instantly.

**_Pleasure was all mine, Ash_ **

****

Ashton’s heart gave a lurch at the nickname, and he found himself growing anxious as he watched that Calum was typing something. And then he stopped typing. And started again. Ashton brought up one of his hands, falling into his old habit of biting his nails, anxiously waiting for Calum’s text. He climbed up towards his pillow, head falling on it and turning on his side.

**_Would you want to meet up sometime?_ **

****

Ashton felt himself tearing up at the warmth growing from his chest. Calum still wanted to talk to him after tonight even when Ashton had embarrassed himself. It had to be a miracle.

_Yeah. That’d be great_

He answered quickly, wiping off the single tear that had escaped his eye before it fell down to his pillow.

**_Cool. I need to go to sleep but we’ll talk more tomorrow?_ **

_Okay :) Good night!_

**_Night Ash. Sleep tight._ **

Ashton couldn’t help but feel slightly hopeful. Maybe getting to know Calum was what he needed. Ashton clearly fancied him and after tonight… His heart filled with warmth remembering Calum talking about his studies. He seemed like such an interesting person, and Ashton couldn’t help but want to get to know him better. To keep talking to him, discovering things, until he learned everything there was to know about the beautiful boy with the chocolate eyes and the kind smile.

Calum felt like a white slate, like Ashton could start anew, leave the past behind. But just as he was thinking of it that way, the white Ashton was picturing started to tint slightly blue. The past would always be there, reaching with its cold hands towards Ashton no matter what he did. Where he ran to. And even if Calum could paint his Christmas white, soothing the last one over with his smile and his presence, there would always be at least a little blue sipping in. A little of his past in his present. A little of heartbreak forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honest to god turned to my friend before writing this chapter and said, completely serious, 'how do people who don't know each other talk to each other?'. That's my level of social awkwardness. So, if you felt the conversation was awkard, that's why 🙃
> 
> Thanks for reading!! 💙


	5. Holly Jolly Christmas

The sun was high in the sky when Ashton finally got to the place he had agreed to meet Calum. He had passed this street countless times, but he had never set foot inside any of the restaurants. Perhaps because he had become used to the routine of just hitting the same pub after work, never trying new things.

It was a nice day out, not a cloud in sight, and Ashton found himself sighing when he thought he could have been hiking, but he scratched that thought off quickly. He knew he very much preferred to be here when seeing Calum was not a possibility, but a certainty.

They had been texting all Friday, trying to find a time that worked for the both of them. Between Ashton’s ever-changing shifts and Calum’s papers to turn in and work hours at the shop, it had been difficult. But they both had Sunday free so here Ashton was, fifteen minutes early because he had been worrying about being late, anxious energy gushing out of his every pore.

Ashton kept taking his glasses out and cleaning them, hands itching for something to do. It had been an awful long time since he last was at a first date and he was sort of freaking out. That was what this was, right? A date? Calum hadn’t specified, but after the bridge thing, Ashton had just assumed. Maybe he shouldn’t have. He checked his phone again. Ten to 1. Okay. He had ten more minutes to go crazy on his own before Calum showed up. Okay.

His freak out started the previous night. Luke had slept over last night, insisting his presence at Ashton’s was essential before the date. Basically, Luke just wanted to pick an outfit for him, and Ashton, being as completely out of it and jittery as he had been, had absolutely no complaints about it.

Calum had proposed getting something for lunch, but then he had mentioned in passing checking out the Christmas lights, and that was when Ashton had started feeling restless. They lit up lights at around 5 o’clock so that would leave them with four hours before that. What was he supposed to talk about for four hours? He felt he probably wouldn’t even be able to get more than two words out at a time with how nervous he was. Luke had basically laughed his ass off before realising that, yes, Ashton was _this_ close to losing it altogether. _‘You really like this guy, huh?’_. And Ashton had just blushed and hidden himself under the blanket as Luke started to laugh again.

The morning had been a blur of clothes thrown at his face and hurrying up and not even having time to search for his contact lenses. So he was now wearing some black washed-out jeans Luke had declared looked best on him and a deep green jumper that he normally would have put on top of a shirt. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the outfit; it was just that he wasn’t exactly sure if he was overdressed or underdressed or what because him and Calum hadn’t specified what they were going to do besides getting lunch and watching the Christmas lights. And that made full circle to Ashton’s mini –huge– freak out. Plus, he felt he was going to fuck up again somehow. He just had this feeling and–.

He was startled out of his thoughts by a hand on his left shoulder, almost making him jerk around.

“Hey.” He found Calum softly smiling at him, and Ashton felt his nerves multiplying by a thousand.

“Hi.” Ashton mumbled, too stunned by Calum being this close again, his eyes caught in the curls falling to the younger boy’s eyes. He smelt fucking good too. Ashton was dizzy.

“You’re wearing glasses.”

Calum’s voice sounded like it had been punched out of him, his mouth staying open as if in shock.

“Um, yeah. I’m kind of blind without them.” Ashton answered quietly. He had always been self-conscious about them, not really liking the way they framed his face –nor the awful comments his schoolmates had thrown his way because of them–.

But Calum was still looking at him with his lips half parted, eyes darting quickly between Ashton’s eyes and the floor. He looked nervous and it made Ashton’s heart speed up.

“You…” Calum coughed, eyes locked finally on Ashton’s. “You look cute in them.”

Ashton felt himself blush. He knew he had to be completely red right now, but Calum’s cheeks in front of him had also dusted red, and that seemed to make it not that bad.

“T-thanks.” He stuttered. “You look good, too.”

Ashton eyed him up and down. Calum was wearing the leather jacket from the bonfire over a light blue sweater with a pattern of snowflakes, and Ashton couldn’t help but think that if anyone looked cute in that situation, it was definitely not himself.

“Have you ever been to The Eagle? I thought we could have lunch there.” Calum started, glancing off to the side and nodding towards a pub just down the road.

“I can’t say I have?” Ashton offered. He hadn’t even known there was a pub here.

“You have been here for nearly a year and you’ve never visited the place where Crick and Watson announced how DNA worked?”

“Okay, now you’re making me feel bad.” Ashton laughed, embarrassed.

Luke had never said anything about the pub while he was showing him around town those first months. Or maybe he had, and Ashton’s brain had just glossed over it. His memories of that time were rather fuzzy. It had been only a couple of months since Bec died and even when he had tried, he hadn’t been completely present.

“It wasn’t my intention.” Calum answered slowly. “It’s good price and their food is great?” He offered.

Ashton could tell he had thrown him off a little, so he shook himself out of it and grinned back at Calum.

“Then lead the way, show me this place.”

Calum smiled and started rambling excitedly about the place and its history, and Ashton just laughed fondly at him. The pub certainly had something about it. You could see it had been there for quite a long time, and with the fireplaces lit and everything decorated for Christmas, it just screamed homely. Ashton instantly loved it.

They had to wait for about ten minutes until a table cleared out for them, Ashton having to take out his glasses and clean them a couple of times due to them fogging up. When they were led to their table Ashton saw Calum’s shoulders slump and his face falling.

“Hum. I really wanted to get the table with the DNA plaque over it. You should’ve sat there on your first time here.” He pouted across from Ashton as he took out his jacket, big puppy eyes looking at the other side of the room where people were taking selfies with the plaque.

“We can come back another time.” Ashton laughed, and Calum turned back to him, a shy smile tugging at his lips.

“Yeah, we can.”

Ashton smiled back before eyeing the menu. With Calum’s help he quickly settled on the scampi and before Ashton could stop him Calum was getting up and walking to the counter to place their orders. Ashton stared at his back as he chatted with the bartender. Clearly this was a regular hang out for him as he seemed to be greeting every waiter that came to collect food. It made Ashton feel _something_. He had noticed it last time too, with Calum saying goodbye to the cook at Gardenia. He doubted he had ever met someone like Calum before. Ashton prided himself in being polite as his mother has taught him, but Calum seemed to go further. He actually took an interest in the people before him. It was heartwarming to watch.

From what Calum had told him, he had arrived at Cambridge not that long ago, during August. Ashton felt weird at having been living here for a longer time and not having gotten to know the city as well as he should have. Exploring more was definitely in his new year’s resolution list.

Soon enough Calum was coming back with their beers, trying not to spill them on the way.

“Here you go.” He said, placing Ashton’s in front of him.

“Thanks.” Ashton stared at it for a moment, debating if he should or shouldn’t allude to the fact that Calum just paid for everything. He decided on yes. “You didn’t have to do that. Pay for me, I mean.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He laughed. And then he looked sheepish for a second before saying, “You can pay next time?”

Ashton felt his heart fluttering inside his chest. They hadn’t even gotten to talking about anything yet, and both of them had already hinted at a next time. It made Ashton feel hopeful, which was a strange feeling for him after so many months. It also made him squirm a little under Calum’s warm gaze, and he glanced around, taking in the place.

“Lauren would love this place.” He whispered out without thinking.

“Was that your little sister?”

“Yeah. This place… exactly her kind of hang out, if we had pubs like these back at home –and she was allowed in–.” Ashton laughed. If his family ever came to visit, he was definitely bringing them here.

“You sound like you really miss her. Them.” Calum said quietly over his beer.

“I do.” Perhaps it was the only thing that caused Ashton to doubt if living here permanently was a good idea. “We skype every other day, but with the time difference being so extreme and my shifts… It’s crazy. And it can’t compare to having them near.”

“My family is not that far by any means –six hours by car away–, and I still miss them like crazy.” Calum looked at him. “I can’t imagine them being on the other side of the world.”

“It’s hard.” Ashton sighed. “But I love working and living here, so that helps.”

“I’m glad.” Calum extended his hand across the table and tentatively placed it on Ashton’s. It made his heart literally skip a bit, and he felt his cheeks heating up. He glanced up from their hands to find Calum smiling softly at him.

He looked as nervous as Ashton felt, and that made Ashton’s stomach twist in the best of ways.

Calum only let his hand go when they finally brought them their meal and Ashton pouted for like a millisecond before he felt Calum’s feet poking at his under the table, hooking it around Ashton’s ankle and leaving it there. Ashton smiled to himself at the action, and when he looked back up, Calum was smiling too.

“So, any plans for the future besides working for NASA?” Ashton asked, starting to dig into his food and trying not to get too caught up in Calum’s eyes. It was hard.

“I can’t work for NASA.” Calum laughed, shaking his head. “I wish I could, but, you kind of have to be born American to be admitted into NASA.”

“Oh, I didn’t know.”

Calum waved his hand before taking his own fork and digging in.

“I’ll just probably end up working at some uni.” He said after swallowing the first bite.

“Would you like that?”

Calum had told him about his studies, but they hadn’t talked about what he wanted to do afterwards. Ashton knew next to nothing about career paths for astrophysicists, and it intrigued him. Well. Everything that had anything to do with Calum intrigued him.

“If I have access to research? Yeah. I’d love that.” Calum answered, his eyes far away. “Or maybe trying for a position at the ESA. That’d be cool too.”

Ashton frowned involuntarily, confused about the acronym.

“European Space Agency.” Calum giggled, clearly noticing his confusion. “I actually was a trainee for their base at Oxford last year, but ESA is dying and there’s not enough money for research, and even less so for space missions. Plus, I’d still need a PhD and I don’t have the money for that.”

Ashton watched as Calum fought fruitlessly against a pea, struggling to pick it with his fork. It ended up flying out of the plate and into Ashton’s lap, causing them both to giggle.

“My future probably lies in education somewhere. Working as a professor or a teacher shouldn’t be that bad.” Calum scrunched up his nose in disgust, though. It made him look kind of cute, in Ashton’s opinion, but Calum clearly despised the idea, so Ashton refrained himself from going down that lane.

“But it’s not your top choice.” Ashton stated. Calum undid the frown and shot him an easy smile.

“No, it is not. But probability is my friend, and… probability says I’ll end up in a high school most likely.” He chuckled. “Anyway, I’m sorry for boring you. This topic is kind of depressing.”

Ashton winced, but hurried to answer while Calum hid behind his glass of beer, taking in a big gulp.

“No, no. You’re–it is…” He tripped over his words. “It’s interesting. You’re interesting.” Ashton coughed, trying not to seem too caught up in Calum’s eyes. “I like talking to you.”

That seemed to take Calum by surprise, making him choke on his beer and slamming the glass on the table, coughing violently.

“Okay, I knew talking to me was bad, but is it _that_ bad?” Ashton jested, and Calum sent him a scowl that soon dissolved with his laughter. They stared at each other for a few seconds, giggling. Ashton felt drunk, and he doubted the two sips he’d have from his beer were responsible for it.

“I like talking to you too, Ash. It’s nice having someone actually listening.” Calum offered, still coughing a little. He watched attentively as Calum took a deep breath, finally seeming to have calmed down the coughing fit. Then a small smile overtook his features. “And you’re quite pretty to look at. That helps.”

And now it was Ashton’s time to choke. On air. He was pathetic. And Calum was giggling on the other side of the table, but it didn’t seem mean, it seemed like a fond laugh. Plus, his ankle was still hooked onto Ashton’s under the table and that somehow comforted and made Ashton feel even more self-conscious at the same time. He decided the best defence was a good offence, so he tried to remember how flirting worked, and he made his charge.

“You’re not so bad yourself, you know.” And it was just adorable watching how Calum got completely red after that. “I think you could beat everyone in a ten feet radius.”

And now Calum was looking at his lap, suddenly speechless, and Ashton felt bad. He had noticed Calum was kind of shy, but he started it. Ashton just tossed the ball back.

“Huh. Don’t think so.” Calum said, still not looking up. But suddenly his face brightened up, he shot Ashton a smile and turned a little sideways towards the counter, pointing with his thumb to the same guy he had talked to before, busy now making a couple of drinks. “I can’t beat that guy. It’s impossible.”

He looked back to Ashton, face utterly devoid of any emotion as Ashton gaped at him. The guy behind the bar was clearly a gym-freak, his muscles bulging out way too much, and it made him look somewhat artificial. Ashton didn’t know if Calum was joking but if he wasn’t what the fuck was he doing with Ashton? He looked nothing like that guy.

“By whose standards are we judging, again?” He coughed out with a panicky voice.

And he watched as Calum broke down and snorted loudly before doubling over, laughter overtaking him.

“Oh god, your face.” He said in between bouts of laughter. “You really thought I was serious. Oh my god.” He was still laughing, and Ashton reached across the table to smack him lightly in his arm. He didn’t appreciate being mocked. But then again, Calum’s laugh was contagious, so he started giggling too.

“Don’t be mean. I don’t know you yet, I don’t know what you like.” He whined, stabbing his fries with the fork and forcing them down.

“I like you. Does that count?”

Ashton swallowed slowly before looking back at Calum. The younger boy was smiling softly, biting his lower lip. Ashton forgot how to breathe. And how to talk. Or do anything besides staring at Calum, basically.

“I like you too.” He answered after what felt like an eternity. Calum beamed at him, tightening his hook on his ankle, soft smile lightening up his face.

***

“You want to cash in that hot chocolate now?” Calum asked as they got out of the pub into the cold. “I can’t promise my flatmate will not be home. I think he had the afternoon off.”

Ashton tightened up his coat around himself, trying to fight up the cool wave that just hit him. He should have put on a scarf before going out that morning.

“Um, yeah. Sure. Hot chocolate sounds fine.” He answered quickly. “Sounds great, actually. It’s freezing. It wasn’t this cold when we went in, right?” Ashton rambled on, hopping in his place, struggling to keep the warmth from the pub and not become an icicle.

“Nope. It wasn’t.” Calum laughed as he started walking. “Come on, faster we walk, faster we get to my flat.”

“Can’t argue with that.” He muttered before following him.

Lunch had gone pretty okay in Ashton’s opinion, and up til now he thought he hadn’t fucked up that much. They had kept the banter on for a few more minutes before diving back into talk about their families and stuff. It was nice. And Calum was funny and smart and warm and kind and ugh. Ashton felt his crush growing at the speed of light.

They had fallen into a comfortable silence, and they both clearly wanted to get to Calum’s flat as soon as possible. Wind had started to pick up, and right now being under a roof with some kind of blanket and a nice cup of hot chocolate sounded much better than being out in the cold.

Ashton noticed the route they were taking, and suddenly they were passing through the same bridge they had stopped last time, and Ashton got tense. But then he felt Calum’s shoulder brushing against his lightly, and Calum adjusting his step so he was walking closer to Ashton and he just exhaled. They were both thinking about the same thing, but Calum obviously wasn’t holding it over his head. It made breathing a little easier even if it reminded Ashton he still had unresolved issues that could very well fuck everything up again.

It didn’t take long after that until they reached an old building just outside the city centre and Calum opened up the main door inside. He tried to apologise for the building not having an elevator and Ashton just shook his head and laughed. Calum said he lived on the third floor, it wasn’t even that much of a climb.

“Okay, I don’t know if my flatmate’s here. If he is, I apologise for anything you see or anything he may say to you.” Calum whispered before opening the door to his flat.

“What kind of person do you even _live_ with?” He whispered back, following him inside.

Some cartoons could be heard all the way to the entrance of the flat, and Calum sighed before offering Ashton an apologetic look, shuffling his feet to his living room.

“Oh, hey Cal.” He heard someone greet him. And then. “Hey!! Nurse-Ashton!!”

Michael was staring back at him donned in a unicorn onesie, munching on a bowl of popcorn.

“I. But. You. But.”

Ashton pointed at Michael then at Calum then back at Michael and then Calum stepped into his line of vision, completely hiding Michael.

“He’s my roommate too.” He winced apologetically, scratching his head.

“But you said–.” Ashton started. How could he have missed this?

“He was an asshole and a lazy-ass. Yeah.” Calum laughed, and then Ashton heard him yelp as Michael pinched him somewhere not visible to Ashton, but he could guess where.

“You live with your boss?” He asked incredulously.

“Well, I technically lived with him before he was my boss?” Calum tried to explain, taking out his jacket.

“Yeah, and I considered you my best friend before you moved in and started stealing my Maltesers.” Michael chimed in from the sofa, throwing a bunch of popcorn towards Calum

“Hey! I pay for those too.” Calum turned indignant. “And you’re the one who steals my milk. Every day. You’re a milk-thief!”

Ashton was trying to pick up his jaw from the floor as he watched them bickering back and forth until Michael caught Calum in a headlock over the armrest and gave him a noogie. It was a disturbing image with the rainbow unicorn onesie.

“Anyway, what brings you here?” He directed towards Ashton, still holding Calum down.

“Calum owed me a hot cocoa?” Ashton offered hesitantly.

“Yeah, hot cocoa my ass.” Michael snickered, finally releasing Calum, who clutched his neck and coughed a couple of times. Michael was looking back and forth between Calum and Ashton and wiggling his eyebrows and Ashton felt himself blush at his implication.

“Michael.” Calum said. It sounded like a warning.

“Okay.” Michael sighed dramatically. “Wait, if that’s really true. Can I get one too? Pretty pretty please?” He even pouted for effect and Calum just punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“Only if you behave.”

“I will, I will.” Michael promised eagerly before facing back to the TV and focusing once again on the cartoon playing.

“Come on, Ash. Kitchen is this way.” Calum said.

Ashton was still gaping at them, but he got up and followed Calum silently to the tiny kitchen at the end of the hall. He was too stunned to even notice the nickname.

“He seemed so grown up at the shop.” Ashton muttered shockingly.

“One of his many talents.” Calum spat, starting to rummage through the cabinets, pulling out stuff.

Ashton took out his coat, hanging it on the chair he had sat down at, silently observing him. He was still trying to digest what had just happened.

“So…”

He started, and Calum swung around to face him before explaining.

“I’ve known him since I was like, twelve.” He started, smiling fondly. “Michael and his family moved to Scotland, and he ended up in my class. We’ve kind of been best friends since. He moved here just after secondary school, and when he learnt I had gotten the spot at the masters, he offered to share his apartment.”

“Aha.” Ashton was still too stunned to say anything more substantial.

“He’s a good guy once you get to know him.” Calum offered.

“Awww, Cally, thank you! You’re a good guy too!” Michael shouted from the living room and Calum rubbed his face before closing the kitchen door firmly.

“He’s normally not that crazy, I swear. He must have dialled it up by a hundred when he saw you coming in.” Calum said quickly. “He’s like a dog, gets over excited with newcomers.”

Ashton finally laughed, and Calum beamed back at him.

“You two seem really close.” He smiled up at Calum from his seat. Ashton was still in shock, and now he was beginning to see why.

“He’s like a brother to me.” Calum sighed. “A really, really annoying brother. But he’s always been there for me. Ever since we met.”

“I get that.” Ashton tried to smile back to Calum as the younger boy set to work.

“Are you making it from scratch?” Ashton asked after watching him taking milk and cream out of the fridge and cutting up a chocolate bar in little chunks.

“It tastes better than store bought.” Calum answered distractedly as he turned on the vitro and put the milk to heat.

“Can I help you with anything?” Ashton always felt kind of useless in these situations. He had never been one to stand by with his arms closed while someone cooked.

“Um, can you get three mugs? They’re on the cupboard above the microwave.” Calum said, mixing in the chocolate and the cream now.

Ashton diligently got up and went to look for the mugs, not in the least surprised after seeing Michael before that all of them seemed to be either from Harry Potter or some cartoon. He took a couple of Harry Potter ones and the Pikachu one he saw at the back of the cabinet and brought them to Calum.

“Huh. Pikachu, Hufflepuff and Luna Lovegood.” Calum chuckled. “Makes sense.”

“What does?”

“You.” Calum didn’t offer any more explanation and Ashton stared at the mugs trying to figure it out while Calum brought the mix to a simmer.

He was about to ask again when Calum cut in.

“Do you like cinnamon in your hot chocolate? I know some people don’t, it’s like that whole pineapple on pizza debate.” He laughed, turning the stove off.

“Yes to both.” Ashton smiled back, and Calum’s face brightened.

“Good answer!”

Ashton shook his head while he waited for Calum to pour the chocolate and sprinkle two of them with cinnamon, topping the third with marshmallows.

“Michael is a literal kid sometimes.” He explained, offering Ashton one of the cinnamon ones and grabbing the other two, walking to the door and opening it with his elbow. Ashton had kind of hoped they would be alone, but he was also intrigued by Calum’s relationship with Michael. So he didn’t say anything.

He didn’t have to, however, because when they got to the living room Michael had cleared up the sofa and picked up the fallen popcorn, turned the TV off, and cleaned up a bit after himself. He took the mug Calum offered him and left to the end of the hall without saying anything else. And well. That in itself was a great telling.

“You want to watch a movie? We got Netflix. And it’s still early for the lights.”

Calum suggested as he sat down on the love seat, setting his mug on the coffee table and reaching for a blanket.

“Yeah. Movie sounds good.”

And now Ashton had to decide if he should take the separate armchair or just dive in and sit right next to Calum. Because the sofa was a two-seat, and they would inevitably be close, knees brushing at the very least. Calum was looking up at him, soft smile gracing his features, and Ashton decided best not to over-think it, and just sat down next to him.

“Do you fancy a Christmas movie? I know they’re all incredibly clichéd and stupid most of the times and that it’s not even December yet but I–”

“I love Christmas films.” Ashton cut in, giggling a little.

“Favourite Christmas film on three?” Calum asked, eyes shining. Ashton could feel the heat emanating from his body, and he wanted to get closer. It was kind of chilly. He watched as Calum counted down with his fingers and then.

“Love Actually!”

They said at the same time, and then they were both giggling, Ashton almost spilling his chocolate on the floor. He left the mug on the table and tugged one of his legs under the other, getting more comfortable on the love seat.

“Should we watch that, then?” He asked Calum, but the younger boy shot him an apologetic smile from his corner of the sofa.

“My sister and I have this tradition that we only watch it on Christmas Day. I can’t cheat. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” Ashton answered quickly. It warmed his heart that Calum shared that with his sister. It was incredibly cute. “Home Alone sound good?”

“Yes. I love that one.” Calum smiled.

Once they settled onto the movie, Calum threw the blanket over the both of them without even asking. Ashton smiled at him and took his chocolate again. It was damn good. And there was this feeling on his chest that grew every time he looked over to Calum, silently laughing at the film, or when their eyes crossed paths. At some point, Calum bent over Ashton to leave his mug on the coffee table and instead of returning to his earlier position, he sat right next to Ashton, cuddling up to him. Ashton caught him with a nervous smile adorning his features, but he just stretched his arm out and allowed Calum to eagerly cuddle even closer.

This felt good. It felt _right_.

It also made Ashton incredibly aware of every single movement Calum made, from every laugh to every slight adjustment trying to look for the perfect position. But most of all, it made Ashton aware of Calum’s heart fast-beating, matching his own. Ashton was sure there was a permanent blush on his face, and Calum’s hand tracing patterns up and down his arm wasn’t helping, _but_ _it felt so good._

Ashton was distracted, not really following the film, but he had seen it a million times before, so he wasn’t missing anything. Instead, he let his gaze wander around the apartment. There was a guitar case full of stamps propped up against the wall next to the TV as well as a PS4. And Calum’s bike was next to the entrance, along with the crutches Ashton assumed he had used after his sprain. The living room was cluttered with books too, dining table full of spare sheets and pens. It attested to Calum’s busy week, and Ashton felt honoured Calum had made time for him.

The younger boy was still distractedly caressing his arm, and Ashton felt a shiver run through his spine. A week ago, he couldn’t have imagined he’d be here, with his crush, cuddling together on a couch. It seemed surreal to him.

Calum’s hair felt soft against his collarbone, where the younger boy had rested his head, and Ashton felt himself reaching out a hand to comb through his curls, making Calum’s hand stop still for a few seconds before resuming his task.

He was vaguely aware of Michael coming from the hall and grabbing his coat, shooting him a smirk before leaving, but Calum was practically half asleep on his lap by now and Ashton was entranced looking at his features. He looked younger somehow, face completely relaxed, and he was clearly fighting sleep.

“If you keep touching my hair I’m going to fall asleep for real.” Calum mumbled, smearing a smile against Ashton’s chest. It made Ashton laugh quietly.

“Would that be so bad?” He inquired, his hand never-stopping, his eyes trained on Calum.

“We were going to see the Christmas lights.” Calum murmured before turning his head trying to get a look at Ashton.

“It’s not dark out yet.” Ashton answered. Calum was looking up at him with sleep mixed with another thing he couldn’t exactly place at the moment, but it made his heart wrench.

“Will you hate me if I nap for a while? I’m just–” Calum yawned, burrowing his face onto Ashton’s chest. “– tired. Sleepy. And you’re comfy.”

A short laugh escaped Ashton. Napping was a weird way of spending a first date, but he was tired too, and he’d admit it didn’t sound half bad.

“Would _you_ hate me if I fell asleep too?”

Calum shook his head, then went back to his spot at Ashton’s chest, sighing.

“If you wake up before me and it’s dark, wake me up. We’re not missing those Christmas lights.”

Ashton ran his hands through his hair one more time before setting himself down for sleep too, movie long forgotten.

“’kay.”

***

“You said you’d wake me up.” Calum whined, opening his eyes.

Ashton laughed. He hadn’t been awake that long and having a sleeping Calum in his arms seemed way too perfect for him to do anything about it. It was definitely dark out, but he hadn’t even tried reaching for his phone, not wanting to disturb the younger boy’s sleep.

“I woke up literally just seconds before you.” Ashton lied, but Calum sent him a look, clearly not buying it. He sat up, stretching out, and Ashton instantly missed his weight on top of him, his warmth. He tried not to let it show.

“I’m surprised Mike hasn’t come barging in.” Calum muttered, gathering up the mugs and standing up, swaying a little. Ashton hurried to stabilise him, and Calum smiled thankfully, obviously still half-asleep.

“He went out before we fell asleep.”

“Oh. I thought he had nothing to do today.” Calum looked adorably confused and Ashton couldn’t help but look up at him adoringly from his place on the sofa.

They both took about ten minutes to completely wake up, Ashton offering to wash the mugs while Calum came back to the land of the living. They didn’t talk much through it, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence.

Calum apologised for having fallen asleep mid-film as they put on their coats, making Ashton laugh.

“I fell asleep too, you know.”

But Calum didn’t say anything else, just blushed slightly.

They stepped out into the cold, Ashton clutching his coat close, and started their way to the city centre. Christmas lights had only been lit since Friday, and it showed on the slowly increasing amount of people they ran into as they trekked their path towards King’s College.

At some point it was difficult to walk through the crowd without losing each other, Calum surveying the crowd with a hint of nervousness in his eyes, and Ashton just reached for Calum’s hand, struggling to calm his raging heart while he was at it. But the black-haired boy squeezed right back before linking their fingers and Ashton knew the red on his cheeks wasn’t because of the cold. Decorations were simple but so, so beautiful. Snowflakes hanged from the string of lights and it made the town look wintry and cosy at the same time. However, Ashton noticed a pattern throughout the streets they had been walking around.

“Almost all the lights are blue.”

“Yeah.” Calum answered, still walking. But Ashton had stopped to look around, bewildered.

“Aren’t there supposed to be, like, reds and greens and all that stuff?” He asked curiously. Not even the window shops here were decorated with festive colours. Only blue.

“Do you have anything against the colour blue?” Calum chuckled, unaware of Ashton’s mind racing. There was something in the younger's eyes, though, something that hinted at a serious question despite his chukle.

“It’s just… I don’t know. Never mind.” He shook his head, trying to smile at Calum. But the younger boy gave his hand a squeeze, looking into Ashton’s eyes.

“You sure?”

He could see the concern on Calum’s eyes, and he tried his best to shake out his demons. It had been way too good a day to dampen it right now.

“Yeah. Let’s go. I still haven’t seen the Lion Yard.”

“It’s not much.” Calum scrunched up his nose, making Ashton melt a little inside at the cuteness of it. “I saw them putting everything up.”

“Still, come on. We have to see all of them.” Ashton nudged him. He was desperately trying to escape the sadness he felt creeping up on him –he could tell Calum knew he was slightly forcing it– but Calum smiled shyly at him and Ashton felt himself outrunning it. If he focused on Calum’s smile and the way he was offering Ashton hope through his eyes, maybe Ashton would win the race against his past.

When they got to the shopping centre Ashton insisted on taking a picture with Calum, which made the younger boy blush so much it was even noticeable through Ashton’s old camera phone.

They walked around a little more, Calum sharing the story of how he and Michael put up the Christmas decorations at their shop, before Ashton checked the time on his phone. It was nearing 8pm.

“I have an early shift tomorrow, I should head home soon.” He said.

Calum pouted across from him but nodded nonetheless.

“I could walk you home, though?” Ashton offered, and that made Calum smile again. Ashton’s heart filled with warmth.

They took the path they had taken that afternoon, Ashton starting to commit it to memory, but he could feel Calum slowing down his steps the closer they got to his flat. It made butterflies fly on Ashton’s stomach at the thought that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want this day to end.

But they arrived to the place inevitably, shuffling upstairs, Calum still holding his hand as he walked backwards until he hit his door. They stayed silent for a couple of minutes, Calum tracing patterns on the back of his palm. Ashton had begun to notice Calum was a tactile person, and he liked that. Very much.

“I had a great time today.” Calum said softly before locking eyes with him.

“Me too.” Ashton sighed back. His heart was doing weird things inside his chest and Calum licking his lips wasn’t helping. “Thanks for lunch. And the chocolate.” He added.

Calum beamed at him.

“My pleasure.”

And then they went back to awkwardly just standing there. Ashton thought maybe he should go in for a hug. It would usually seem too forward for him to do so after only the first date –he knew, he was weird–, but they had fallen asleep cuddled together already. This didn’t really seem like any other first date Ashton had had. This one was different. _Calum_ was different.

“I know you should go but, you sure you don’t want to come in for a coffee?” Calum tried, squeezing his hand a little and suddenly interested in Ashton’s shoes.

“Can’t.” Ashton pouted, squeezing right back. “I should drive home before I get sleepy.”

“True.”

But neither of them made to move. Calum sighed and glanced sideways to his door, then back to Ashton. Then he glanced up and started giggling. Ashton frowned for a moment before Calum pointed with their joint hands towards the ceiling. And Ashton groaned. But it was good-naturedly.

“I don’t recall that being there when we first came here.”

“Mikey must have put it up while we were out.” Calum giggled, still eyeing the mistletoe.

His eyes were shining, and Ashton’s heart started to pick up. Calum’s eyes were darting downwards every so often, and Ashton knew Calum wasn’t looking at his jumper. Plus. He was licking his lips again.

Ashton felt the need to kiss him all the way down to his core–had felt it throughout the day, no need for the stupid mistletoe–. But he hadn’t felt brave enough to take that first step. He couldn’t. And he knew he had fucked up exactly at the same moment last time, but now that he knew Calum better, that he had spent more time with him, ... It felt even worse. Because if they kissed, Ashton would be acknowledging he liked him for real, that he wanted Calum in his life, wanted to get to know him better. And that would mean opening the door to pain when things inevitably fell apart.

It didn’t stop him from leaning in slightly. He couldn’t help himself. Calum had leaned in too, his breath hitting Ashton’s cheeks, and for the first time Ashton noticed how Calum was actually a little taller than him. And how much heat was pouring out of him. Of both of them. Ashton’s glasses were beginning to fog up. 

Calum was looking at him intently again, and again there was that emotion Ashton couldn’t put his finger on tinting his irises. Calum wasn’t even facing down anymore. He was waiting, Ashton _knew_ he was waiting.

He could feel the tension between them, sizzling in the air. His heart was probably beating faster than if he had just ran a marathon, and the tips of his fingers in the hand Calum wasn’t holding had started to tingle. He felt dizzy with emotion.

He closed his eyes for a second as he tried to take a deep breath to calm himself, but when he opened them Calum had closed his as well.

It was the perfect moment; he knew. Ashton willed himself to move, to do anything, to just grab Calum’s face and kiss him. But he was petrified. He closed his eyes again and heard Calum sigh, his warm breath hitting Ashton. And then.

Soft lips were on his, lightly pressing, not really demanding anything else for the moment. A shiver run down Ashton’s spine as he felt Calum’s free hand cradling his face, his thumb softly caressing his cheek, where Ashton felt a tear falling down. He hadn’t even noticed his eyes had welled up. There was a huge lump in his throat, and Ashton tried swallowing it, because underneath… Underneath there was warmth spreading all through his body, radiating from his heart. He felt himself finally responding, moving his lips against Calum’s soft, soft ones, leaning in slowly until Calum’s back hit the door. Ashton felt his knees buckling up, and he melted down against Calum, who squeezed his hand as he gently bit his lower lip. Ashton’s head was spinning and having Calum so close was intoxicating, making his thoughts jumble up. But Calum did nothing else to further the kiss. He pecked Ashton a couple more times before letting his forehead rest against Ashton’s, both their breaths mingling.

This didn’t feel like any other kiss Ashton had ever gotten. It felt… momentous. And that scared the crap out of him. It felt _important_.

The lump that was there before grew until Ashton was struggling to breathe, the tingling in his hands increasing and his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He took a step back abruptly, startling Calum, who opened his eyes quickly, his eyebrows slightly arched.

“I need to go.” Ashton managed out before hastily turning away and running down the stairs. Calum’s hurt eyes would probably be burned into his memory forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	6. All I Want For Christmas Is You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to upload this like three days ago, but I wasn't happy with it, and it still needed a lot of work. So now I'm seriously behind my own schedule for posting and argh  
> I really struggled writing this one. Still, I hope you enjoy it! 💙

It hadn’t been that great a night. Calum hadn’t been able to fall asleep until 5 in the morning, thoughts racing through his head as they had been.

After Ashton ran away, he had shuffled inside the flat, not even answering to Michael when he eagerly shot up from the couch and started asking questions. Calum had just gone straight to bed and thrown himself under the covers, only taking out his jacket and shoes.

Was it something he had said? The kiss? Had he been too clingy with the cuddling? Had he gotten the wrong idea with Ashton? He had said he liked him, right?

These and a thousand more questions had been pestering Calum all night, not letting him relax. And now his alarm had woken him up after merely two hours of sleep and he was supposed to get ready and go to class. How was he expected to be able to concentrate like this? He felt like a truck had run him over.

He barely registered the water turning ice cold because Michael had spent too much time in the shower –again–. Calum felt like a zombie as he trudged his way into the kitchen. He smelt coffee. Tea was usually his preferred wake-up potion, but today he knew he would need stronger.

Michael opened up his mouth as he watched Calum coming in, but he soon shut it. _Good_. Calum was in no mood to talk. At least not yet. At least not until he had that precious caffeine pumping through his veins and his brain had moved on from thinking about Ashton. Which was kind of impossible.

First time they met, Calum had been incredibly nervous because this beautiful, amazingly kind guy had just come, quite literally, to his rescue. Calum knew love at first sight was a stupid concept, but he had felt _something_ looking at Ashton as the older boy examined his foot. And then he had tried to play it cool, hopping around on one leg, flirting even when he was terrible at it. It was just like he had become this unrecognisable guy who had the balls to actually go for what he wanted. Calum had never been that guy before.

But there was something about Ashton that made him want to be. Calum had stopped him at Gardenia. He had invited him for hot chocolate. Sent that text hoping Ashton would want to meet up with him again after their awkward parting at the bridge.

And yesterday. Ashton had looked so beautiful. The date had gone so well and… Calum had just let himself be. Flirting. Cuddling with him. Falling asleep _on him_. Most of all he had wanted that kiss at the end of the night, so, so desperately. He had tried to wait for Ashton to make a move, knowing the older boy had been hesitant about it the first time. Calum _had_ waited. But Ashton seemed to be about to walk away again and Calum just couldn’t wait anymore. He took the leap again.

His eyes were trained in his coffee mug where he had been stirring for at least the past ten minutes. Calum knew Michael was observing him from his side of the table, probably waiting for him to open up. He would normally have asked a thousand questions by now, so Calum could only guess how dead he looked for Michael to leave him be. Calum sighed and looked up. Michael wasn’t talking yet, but he was watching Calum, worry present in the turn of his mouth and the furrow of his brow.

“What happened?” He heard him asked tentatively.

Calum groaned into his mug. For some stupid reason he felt like crying, and that was not an option. This situation wasn’t that dramatic, was it?

“I kissed Ashton last night.”

“Oh.”

They were quiet for a few seconds, but Calum knew Michael was breaking his head over why kissing Ashton had pummelled Calum into a pit of angst. Calum knew he owed him the rest of the story, but before he found the courage to keep talking, Michael chuckled silently across from him.

“Mistletoe?”

“Indirectly.”

Calum had longed for the kiss way before that. That night on the bridge. When he was all sleepy and pliant in Ashton’s arms on the couch yesterday afternoon. On the street last night as he watched Ashton’s childlike wonder looking at the Christmas decorations.

“But that’s good, right? That you kissed?” Michael prompted, trying to understand Calum’s mood but missing the main detail of information that would puzzle it together. “You two looked cosy when I went out.”

Exactly. They must have looked incredibly cosy because Calum had been using Ashton as a pillow and he had not only not complained but had welcomed it. It just didn’t make sense with what went on afterwards. It didn’t match.

“Calum? You okay?”

Michael was back to weary, and Calum knew it was time to tell him everything that had happened the night before.

“I kissed him, and suddenly he was crying and then he ran away.” He exhaled in one breath. Calum could see Michael’s face contort in confusion at the news.

“He cried while you two were kissing?” He asked slowly.

Calum sighed again, rubbing his face. Coffee hadn’t sunk in yet. Michael was waiting for an answer.

“Yes.” He finally confirmed. “And then we stopped, and he ran away. Quite literally.” The chuckle that escaped him wasn’t exactly an amused one. “I just don’t know what the hell happened.”

Michael sighed, taking a sip of his own mug, displaying a half-scratched Slytherin crest. Calum remembered getting it for Michael’s 17th birthday. The last one of a set. A set that included the Hufflepuff one Ashton had drank from yesterday.

“You’re telling me he fled after you kissed him.” Michael repeated. Clearly he, like Calum, was trying to understand this mess. His eyes were sadly looking at Calum and Calum hated it.

“Yeah?”

“Well, you at least got the kiss this time.” Michael concluded after a breath. And this is why Calum kept him around. Michael always managed to see the good side of things. He let out a short giggle at his best friend’s musing, Michael smiling back, clearly proud to have drawn such sound from him. However, it didn’t soothe the ache on Calum’s heart.

“But he ran away.” He repeated. “Without saying goodbye. He just... took off.”

Michael blew his coffee and took another sip. Calum copied him.

“He didn’t answer my calls either. Nor the texts.”

He had been too stunned to go running after Ashton, still high from the kiss, confused by its sudden end, puzzled by Ashton hastily taking a step back. He had just been able to stand there, hurt, upset, as Ashton ran away, tears welling in his eyes.

“Are you that horrible of a kisser?” Michael interrupted his thoughts, and Calum wanted to hit him.

“Ugh, _Michael_.”

“Like, there wouldn’t be any other reason, right?” Michael insisted.

“I don’t know.” Calum admitted.

But he knew there was something going on with Ashton. His eyes... Sometimes Calum had noticed they weren’t present. He had been laughing at something Calum said and then, suddenly... Ashton seemed to be far, far away, trapped in some memory. And it obviously wasn’t a good one.

“Nice communication always works.” Michael offered.

“If you mean sex, I’m not like that. You _know_ I’m not like that.”

“I literally meant talking.” Michael groaned. Calum snorted.

“Yeah, like you and Grace talk, right?”

Grace was cool. In fact, from all the girlfriends Michael had had that Calum had gotten to meet, Grace seemed the nicest. She was funny, too. And she could keep up with Calum when they played Trivial Pursuit. However, her and Michael didn’t talk much, per se. At least not when Calum was in the flat. And if they talked while he wasn’t, then they were mean. They could be having sex when he wasn’t there to be traumatised. “The walls here are paper-thin, in case you don’t remember.” He muttered.

“Hey, we _do_ talk.” Michael complained. Calum arched his eyebrows. “And I’m serious, you need to talk to this guy.” Michael continued. “And if he doesn’t answer your calls, well. His loss.”

And with that he got up and left his mug on the sink, rummaging the cabinets for some doughnuts. Some part of Calum’s brain wanted to chastise him for succumbing to such food for breakfast, but he barely registered the action. He was still thinking about Ashton. Calum didn’t want to leave things like this. He had felt something when talking with Ashton, looking into his eyes. He wanted to pursue that. Calum knew that if Ashton had ran away not once, but twice, maybe this thing he wanted to pursue would probably get nowhere. But Ashton had said he liked him, had returned the kiss. Calum just wanted to know why he left. _Needed_ to know what had happened.

“But Mikey…” He started.

“Yeah, I know, you’re stupidly gone for him.” Michael sighed from the counter, taking one more doughnut and offering it to Calum, who declined it. He could see Michael worrying even more at the action, but he wasn’t exactly hungry right now. “In truth…” Michael sighed. “He looked gone for you too. The _‘I wanna eat your face raw’_ kind of gone. Even when he came to the store looking for you. Maybe he’s a virgin?”

Calum scowled at him.

“What? I’m shooting up possibilities.” Michael defended with his hands raised. Then he crossed his arms, leaning against the counter. “Maybe he still has feelings for his ex? Is still involved with said ex?”

“No, he isn’t involved with anyone.” Calum supplied quickly. They hadn’t yet talked about exes, but they had both laid down that they were single. “I just…” He rubbed his eyes again, sighing. “He gets this faraway look in his eyes. Like he isn’t there, not completely. And then he draws in on himself. Closes off.” Maybe Michael would be able to shed some light into that. Because Calum was out of clues.

“So he’s hiding something.” Michael stated, but it sounded more like a question.

“I wouldn’t call it _hiding_ , but there’s definitely something going on.” Calum muttered, letting his face fall against the table. He was awfully tired, and he didn’t even want to think about having to go to class. His body was protesting with everything it got against the idea of cycling to the Laboratory.

“Then talk to him.”

“I can’t, he won’t answer, and I don’t know where he lives.” Calum whined. He had gotten to the part where he whined about this. He just felt like going back into his room and under the covers of his bed and fall asleep until he didn’t feel like this anymore. Until he had talked with an absent Ashton and everything had been sorted out.

“You can try his work?” Michael suggested. Calum peered up, trying to get Michael’s face into his field of view without having to move.

“Wouldn’t that be too much?”

“He did the same when he came to the shop.” Michael reasoned. That was true. Ashton had come looking for him. “You hadn't even gone out yet then. _That,_ was freaky.”

 _No, it was cute._ Calum had almost had a heart attack when Michael came home with a smug smile and told him a cute blonde nurse had come looking for him. Still. His situation was different.

“I work at Topman, he works at the Emergency Department in the hospital.” He couldn’t very well barge in in an ED. Even less thinking that Ashton would be _working_ , he shouldn’t distract him from his work. “It's completely different.” Calum grunted.

“Hey, hey.” Michael chastised him, albeit with a short delay. It showed he was half-asleep too. “Don't raise your voice, my coffee hasn't kicked in yet.”

“I wasn't raising my voice.” He spat back. But it wasn’t ill intentioned. He felt like crying again. Stupid Ashton. Stupid him for crushing this hard on a boy he barely knew. Stupid everything. “I don't feel like going to class.”

Michael sighed from the counter and approached him slowly, crouching besides Calum and drawing him into a hug. It helped. Calum let his head fall onto Michael’s shoulder, sighing. He tightened his arms slightly before Michael let go, his hands remaining on Calum's shoulders.

“Look, Cal. I know you like this guy. A lot.” He started, looking up at him. It made Calum feel like a toddler being comforted. It was weird having Michael be the one comforting him and not the opposite. “If he won't take the leap… Either you do, or you forget about him.” He said with a finality.

Michael understood what his role in this situation was. And Calum appreciated it. He knew he was wasting too much time worrying about this. But he needed to know. Needed to understand why. If he didn’t talk to Ashton, he doubted he would ever be able to forget him. That was the impression the older boy had left in him.

“Hm.”

Michael drew him into a hug again, and Calum felt slightly better. Just barely.

“Call me.” Michael said still holding him, his voice muffled against Calum's hoodie. “Whatever happens, I always have your ringtone on.”

“Thanks.” He mumbled back. Michael untangled himself and stood up, annoyingly ruffling his hair. Calum scrunched up his nose, but the older boy just laughed quietly.

“And you need to go to class.” Michael chastised. Although to his credit, he seemed to hate having to be the parent in the situation. “You love Mondays because you get to focus on Galaxy Formation.”

Calum's face lit up without him being able to stop it, fondness washing over.

“You _do_ listen to me.” He marvelled.

“Yeah, I do.” Michael laughed. “I'll have my phone with me. See ya later.”

“Bye, Mike.”

***

It was quarter to 5 and Calum didn’t even know how he was still alive. He had almost fallen asleep twice, Alec elbowing him when the professor had come close. The coffee that morning hadn’t been enough. Not even the way over to the University had managed to awaken him enough not to fall asleep. And honestly, research on galaxy formation was his goal in life, but today the class just fell awfully dull and not interesting in the least. Or maybe his mind wasn’t completely here.

Fuck. Calum had sworn off seeking a relationship for a reason. He fell fast, and he fell hard. And his crushes usually lasted for months even if he merely crossed two words with them or only ever were acquaintances. This thing with Ashton… It was definitely new. And he felt way more invested in it than he ever had before with any of his partners. He hadn’t even been this obsessed with his last boyfriend, and that had lasted like, half a year. He only knew Ashton for a few weeks. There was something decidedly wrong with his brain.

He longed for the minutes to pass quickly, at the same time dreading the way back to the flat. Michael was working a full shift today from open to close, and he wouldn’t be able to pick Calum up like he had other times. So he would have to bike.

He checked his phone again under the table. Nothing. Ashton hadn’t even read his last messages. Or he had turned off the blue ticks. Or maybe he had just blocked Calum. But no, he could still see his avatar picture, so he wasn’t blocked. Maybe Ashton was just ignoring him? Argh. He _hated_ this. He needed to _know_.

Ten minutes later he was finally out, hurrying back to his bike. Those ten minutes had given him ample time to think back to his conversation with Michael that morning. And well. Michael said either he took the leap -again- or forgot about Ashton, right? His brain had proved throughout the day that he wasn’t going to forget about him, so he decided to risk it.

Twenty or so minutes later he arrived to the hospital, completely dishevelled and sweating. But he was determined. He was going to find Ashton, and he was going to talk to him. Even if it made him come across as a giant stalker.

But… he hadn’t really anticipated how crowded this place would be. There were literally about a hundred people waiting on the adjacent room, and people were coming in every 2 minutes. Finding Ashton in a work environment where quickness was key… Calum felt bad. People kept arriving constantly, and he was just there, hanging near the admissions desk, waiting for the stream of patients to stop flowing. He shouldn’t have done this. Calum had said so to Michael this morning. What the hell was he doing here? This was highly inappropriate.

However… he was here already. No one knew him here. If he ended up seeming like a total freak, he’d just mark this hospital off in case he ever had an accident. So he waited. Calum was running out of patience when suddenly the desk was free and there appeared to be no one else coming in. It was his chance.

But fuck, now that he could ask, what was he supposed to say? It wasn’t like these people knew him and Ashton knew each other. For all they knew Calum could just be a very persistent stalker. Which, in a way, he felt he was.

The young woman behind the counter was eyeing him suspiciously, and Calum didn’t even want to begin to think about how he must look to her, loitering around the hall. Screw it. He should just ask. He walked there as wearily as the girl stared at him. Great.

“Hi. Good afternoon. If I may…” He trailed off.

The lady was looking at him skeptically.

“Yes?”

Calum felt the only shred of courage he had slipping away at the condescending look he was sent. Fuck, this was hard.

“I’m a… I’m friends with Ashton?” He hated how his voice caught. The receptionist arched one eyebrow at him.

“Is that a question?”

“No.” Calum hurried to answer. “No. I’m friends with Ashton.” Okay here it went. He put on a smile that he hoped didn’t look fake and tried not to look too anxious. “I wondered if you could let him know I was here? If he still has some kind of break before he finishes his shift.”

The girl seemed to dial back her judgy attitude, but Calum could tell she was still reticent. She looked nervous too, glancing round the back towards a room Calum couldn’t see.

“Look, honey, I can’t–”

“Please.” He cut in. “I need to speak with him. It’s important.”

She was looking back towards the room and Calum wondered if there was anyone else there. Could _Ashton_ be there? Fuck. She indeed seemed like she was waiting for someone to say something to her as she sighed and turned back to him. Calum tried to move slightly to see who else was there, but he only saw a blur of movement and then she was coughing, trying to get his attention.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“Calum.”

The girl didn’t seem to want to be doing this. Well. They were two. Calum didn’t feel like being here like this either, but it was the only way he thought he could get Ashton to talk with him. She glanced back once again, and it was _obvious_ there was someone else there, listening in on everything. He was almost caught off guard when she addressed him again.

“Look, Calum. I can’t really do that for you, I don’t have the schedule of the people working today.” She seemed apologetic enough, but Calum knew she was hiding something. _Someone_ was back there.

“His name’s Ashton. He’s tallish, blonde…” _Freakishly attractive._ “I don’t remember his last name. I know he works here.” He tried once again. This was a last resort. Ashton hadn’t answered the whole day, not even to the last text Calum had sent just asking him to text back so he knew he was okay. This had to work. “Just, please, I beg you. Tell him I only want to talk? I’ll wait till his break or something. Please.” It really wasn’t below him to right out plead. He didn’t know what had consumed him, but right now all he could think about was Ashton’s face last night and how he had been crying and Calum needed to _know_.

“Please.” He asked again.

“I’m sorry, love. I can’t do that for you. If you don’t have an emergency, I have to please ask you to move away from the window.”

The girl seemed really apologetic this time, and she didn’t even glance back once.

“Yes. Of course. I’m sorry. Sorry to bother you.”

Calum sighed resignedly, walking to the entrance. He guessed he could just wait here until he saw Ashton, or his shift ended, and then he would inevitably come out. Unless there was a special staff entrance. There should be, right? There had to be. But Calum didn’t know where it was, and that _would_ be really invasive, so his next best choice was just waiting at the main door for Ashton’s shift to be over and hoping to see him.

Calum sighed and walked back out. He remembered he had seen some benches next to where he had parked his bike. Maybe he could camp out there. He was glad it wasn’t especially chilly out today.

***

He had been working on a lab report for about an hour, fingers starting to freeze even in his gloves, thinking maybe this was way too crazy an idea. Nurses had rushed in and out a few times, but none of them had been Ashton.

He decided to stay until he finished his report before giving up and going home. Calum didn’t know who had been there with the receptionist, if it had been Ashton, or someone else completely. Maybe it _had_ been Ashton, telling the girl to just get rid of him. After all, why would Ashton want to talk to him face to face if he hadn’t even taken his calls or texts last night? Calum understood him not answering throughout the day, he had been at work. But… Ugh. Why was he doing this again? Suddenly the thirty minutes or so that would take him to finish the report seemed too long to wait for someone who most probably didn’t even want to see him. He took out his phone, checking once again, but the screen blinked back to him without any sign of new notifications.

“He’s not here, he called in sick.” A voice to his right startled him.

“What?” Calum hurried up to stand up, his notes almost falling to the ground. He came face to face with that blonde guy Ashton was with at the bonfire, staring down at him with his hands in the pockets of his scrubs. His name was Luke, Calum remembered.

“He called in sick last night, asked if I could trade him a shift.” Luke sounded somewhat hostile, and Calum cowered a little, clutching his notes to his front.

Luke was staring him up and down and Calum suddenly felt really really stupid. Ashton wasn’t even here. And he wasn’t answering calls or texts. Did Calum cause this? What had he done wrong the day before? It had to be because of what happened, right? Ashton hadn’t come across as someone who’d just not _go_ to work. He loved the unit. He had said so several times yesterday during lunch.

Calum felt himself walking backwards until his knees hit the bench, and sat down, exhaling.

“What are you doing here?” Luke prompted.

He was clearly cold, rocking back and forth on his feet, hands still in his pockets. He was scaringly tall now that Calum had sat down.

“I needed to talk to him.” He said looking up at him. Tiredness seemed to have come crashing down once Calum realized that he wasn’t going to see Ashton today. The two hours of sleep and multiple coffees weren’t doing much for him anymore and he just felt exhausted.

“Why?”

Calum rubbed his face. Luke started now to hop in his place, trying to regain warmth and Calum was reminded of Ashton doing that exact thing yesterday. He had looked so cute, Calum had just wanted to hug him and never let go.

“What happened last night?” Luke pressed again.

“I don't know, that's why I need to talk to him.”

“What did you do?” He sounded accusatory, and Calum must have looked half dead or scared or something, because Luke sighed before he sat down next to him, relaxing a little. “Ashton wouldn't say.” Luke added softly, this time letting his worry seep into his words.

“I didn’t _do_ anything! To my knowledge at least.” Calum whined. He had reached that level of pathetic. Whining to Ashton’s best friend. “I just. It was a great date, and we were perfectly okay –or so I thought–. And he was saying goodbye on my doorstep and my idiot best friend had hung mistletoe, so I pointed it out to him and laughed, but I wanted to kiss him and…” He took a deep breath, but now words seem to be flowing out of him without any control. “… I noticed Ashton’s kind of shy, and he had already ducked away one time when we were about to kiss, and I was nervous, but I needed to kiss him so badly and I thought he wanted it too. And then I just plucked up the courage and finished leaning in, and it was-. Ashton was still for a second but then he was kissing back and crying for some reason and then he ran away before we could even talk and…” Calum trailed off. He felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, and he would not cry in front of a stranger. He would not. Calum breathed in deeply, shaking his head. “I’m sorry for the rant. I just. I don’t know what I did wrong. I thought he liked me. He _said_ he did.”

He would not cry, but his voice did break. Calum felt Luke moving, making him glance towards the blonde boy. Luke was staring at the ground.

“You kissed him?”

“Yeah.” Calum exhaled.

“And then he ran away? Just like that?” Luke asked staring back at him.

Calum nodded. He was beginning to grow tired of people always asking the same two questions. Even if it only there had been two of them. It just made him feel like he had done something wrong by kissing Ashton. It didn’t sit well with him.

“I don’t understand why.” He muttered to Luke, diverting his eyes. Luke’s piercing gaze was unnerving. “And he won’t answer my calls or my texts.” Calum added.

Luke sighed.

“So, you showed up here looking for him.”

“I’m desperate, okay?” Calum exclaimed, looking back at Luke. He just… He didn’t deal well with _not_ knowing things. He never had. They tended to fester in his mind and… That was never good.

“It’s not even been a day.” Luke chuckled, but he was finally looking more friendly than hostile. Calum understood him trying to protect Ashton, but Calum hadn’t wished to cause him any trouble, there was no need for Luke’s posturing.

“I really, _really_ like him.” He confessed, although it was pretty clear with how he had been acting. The showing up here. The meltdown and the rambling. “Oh god, I don’t even know why I am talking to you about it. I don’t even _know_ you.”

“I’ve been told I’m easy to talk to.”

“By whom?” Calum asked dryly.

Luke sent him an indignant look before speaking up again.

“Look, for the time I’ve known Ashton, he hasn’t really shown any interest on anybody. No matter who I set him up with, he never felt anything.” Luke started. Calum’s ears picked up at that. “He _likes_ you. He was driving me crazy those weeks after he met you at the shop. It was like he couldn’t shut up about you. He was annoying.”

Luke could think that had been annoying, but for Calum it just made his heart lurch to his throat and colour rise to his cheeks. So Ashton had been thinking about him the same way Calum had been thinking about him. It still didn’t compute with what had happened last night. Unless there was a variable Calum didn’t know. There had to be.

“Him meeting you brought out a side of him I never thought I’d see.” Luke continued quietly. Then he looked back to Calum, pity covering his features. “He’s never talked to me about it, but I know something happened to him just before he moved here.” Luke confided. Okay, so Calum’s suspicions hadn’t been unfounded. “You’re the first person to break him out of that.”

Luke was grinning at him now, and although it was nice to see Ashton had friends looking out for him, friends that thought meeting Calum had been good for him, Calum couldn’t help but keep thinking back to one detail.

“He was crying when I kissed him.” He whispered. And this time there were some tears of his own slowly sliding down his cheeks. He brushed them away quickly, embarrassed, and blinked a couple of times trying to make them go away.

Luke breathed out next to him, gaze lost on the horizon. Calum sighed, left his notes inside his backpack and brought up his legs to the bench, clutching them. He used to do that all the time when he was little and upset. He remembered Michael laughing and picking him up from the floor, saying he was easier to carry on his compact mode. But that had been a long, long time ago.

He looked up. There were still ambulances coming and going, but somehow he had turned everything off in his head during his conversation with Luke. People kept coming too. Some leaving the ED on their own feet. Some in wheelchairs. There was a huge amount of noise around them, sirens going on and off, people shouting at the entrance. Calum didn’t know how he had been able to turn it all off.

“Okay.” Luke prompted next to him and stood up. “You did not get this from me. 10, Wattle Close, Cambourne.”

Calum arched his eyebrows, confused.

“What’s that?”

“Ashton’s address. I guess he’s home.” Luke smiled.

“What?”

It was difficult processing this. Or maybe he was just tired out of his mind and needed to sleep.

“You came looking for him, right? I just gave you his address.” Luke laughed, shaking his head. “Go _look for him_.”

Calum felt the beginnings of a smile taking over his face. But.

“I don’t have a car.”

Fuck. Last time he had been to Cambourne -the night of the bonfire-, Michael had driven them there. Calum supposed he could bike, but with his current level of tiredness, maybe that wasn’t the best option.

“Ugh.” Luke groaned, checking the time on his phone. “I still have three hours on this shift. I’d take you there if I was free.”

He really looked apologetic, and Calum didn’t doubt he would have driven him there if he could.

“Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.” He stood up again, and although it felt mighty formal, he offered Luke his hand.

Luke laughed but shook it, nonetheless.

“Thanks. Really.” Calum insisted.

Luke waved a hand and started walking back inside.

Okay. Well. He hadn’t found Ashton but at least he now had the information to find him. Although. Calum had thought he had been inside when he was talking to the receptionist. If that hadn’t been Ashton,…

“Wait!”

Luke stopped just near the doors, turning to him.

“I need to go back inside, my break is over.”

“It’s just…” Calum started. “Were you listening in when I talked to the girl at the admissions desk?”

Luke looked sheepish for the first time in all their conversation, which gave the answer away even before he opened his mouth.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Calum laughed, and Luke followed him.

“I was just curious. Thanks again, Luke.”

“You’re welcome. I expect to hear good things!”

***

“I just want to talk.” Calum said as soon as the door opened.

Ashton was in his pyjamas, looking incredibly soft and cuddly. That he was wearing his glasses too was a bonus. Calum thought he was going to melt. But then his eyes focused on Ashton’s and he saw the older boy’s were red-rimmed and glassy, and his heart throbbed. Ashton hugged himself with one arm, like he was trying to protect himself, his eyes nervously darting. Calum knew he had taken him by surprise, because despite the somewhat impassivity of his face, his mouth was hanging partially open. He seemed like he didn’t know what to do, what to say, his hand still gripping the door, the knuckles white from being so tight. Calum saw Ashton hesitate, his brow furrowing.

“Please.” He whispered taking a step closer. “Just… I just want to talk with you.”

Calum was beyond tired. He was sure he had dark circles under his eyes. He couldn’t say much better about his hair, not after worrying it all the way here on the bus. Ashton was still gaping at him. Calum closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for Ashton to talk, to do anything.

It felt like an eternity had passed between one breath and the next. But then.

“Okay.”

Calum looked up just as Ashton stepped back a little, opening the door. His face was completely closed off though. Calum couldn’t read a thing.

He walked in, slowly. There was a Christmas tree behind Ashton, stairs to Calum’s left. There was nothing else on this floor, just a storage closet. Ashton gestured for him to go up first, and before the older boy could regret it Calum walked by him, started climbing up. He heard Ashton closing the door, then following him.

Upstairs was just… Homely. Calum couldn’t describe it otherwise. It was clear the space was limited, but it didn’t feel cluttered. And there were Christmas decorations everywhere Calum set his eyes on. Another small tree near the window, wreaths, little knick-knacks. There were also a handful of candles lit here and there. The place smelled like Christmas. Cinnamon and spices; vanilla.

Calum wished his flat could look this well-put together, but he and Michael lived out of a student budget -even if Michael wasn’t studying anymore-, and thus their flat was kind of a sinkhole. Ashton’s flat felt lived in. Calum loved it. It radiated warmth. The same that seemed to be lacking from Ashton’s face.

“I was about to make tea, you want some?” The older boy asked from behind him, startling Calum of his reverie.

“Yeah. I’d love some tea.” Calum smiled.

Ashton seemed somewhat off. Like… He looked numb. His face didn’t even have any emotion anymore, not a trace of the warmth and laughter that had drawn Calum in. It left Calum feeling a little out of place.

“You can take a seat on the sofa if you want.”

Ashton nodded towards the part of the room that acted as the living room and then walked to the tiny adjacent kitchen. Calum stood there for a few seconds, stunned by Ashton’s state. This couldn’t be because of what happened last night. There had to be something worse, _much_ worse, to leave a person like that. Calum took a seat slowly, still eyeing up the place. There was an empty bottle of whisky next to the coffee table. No glasses.

He could hear the kettle turning on, Ashton rummaging through the cupboards, the clinking of the cups. The sofa sat facing the opposite direction of the kitchen. Calum wanted to turn around and take another look at Ashton, but he already felt incredibly awkward. He couldn’t believe that not even 24 hours ago they had been napping together on his crappy, old couch. The atmosphere felt completely different now. Mostly awkward on his part. He didn’t know what Ashton was thinking.

The kettle clicked off and Calum heard Ashton pouring the water, making his way over. This sofa was bigger than Calum’s, he expected Ashton to sit far. But the older boy took a seat next to him. Not close enough to touch, but close.

“How did you… How did you get here?” Calum observed as Ashton faintly furrowed his brow, not even glancing up to ask. He was staring at his mug. “How did you find out where I live?”

The weirdest thing of all was Ashton avoiding eye contact. The day before he had done so a couple of times, but it was after Calum had teased him, or flirted with him, making that cute blush spread all over his face. This, right now, felt awkward. It left a bad aftertaste on Calum’s mouth. It wasn’t _right_.

“I… sort of… went to the ED.” He admitted quietly.

“I’m going to kill Luke.”

Calum couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. Ashton whipped his head left, looking at him like he was mildly surprised.

“Please, don’t?” Calum asked, basking in having Ashton’s focus on him. “I insisted.”

It did not last long. Ashton shook his head, but he didn’t say anything else. He clutched his cup, though, blowing gently over it. Calum took his too, watching as Ashton added two sugar spoons, stirring. He winced.

They said stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. Ashton kept looking at his mug, but his eyes… He was doing that thing again where he seemed to be really far away. Calum wished he could know where.

“Did you bike here?” Ashton mused.

“Took the bus.” Ashton didn’t even react. “Couple of buses, actually.”

Nothing.

Calum felt like for Ashton he wasn’t even there. Or at least he was further away than the thoughts plaguing his mind, making him clutch his mug tightly, making him sigh every three breaths.

He looked worse than Calum had realised on a first glance. He too had dark circles under his eyes, and he was trembling slightly, like he was cold. Maybe he had been truly ill when he called Luke last night. He looked ill. But then… Something about him made Calum believe that it wasn’t a physical illness what was dragging Ashton down. The bottle of whisky, for example. Something about all of it felt familiar, but Calum moved past it. He was here to get answers.

“Ash?”

Ashton didn’t react. In fact, he didn’t even seem like he had heard him.

“Ashton, please.”

The older boy sighed, leaving his untouched cup on the coffee table, turning slightly to look at Calum. He didn’t utter a thing. Calum knew he was waiting for him to start talking.

“Maybe…” He tried, his voice betraying him. Well. There was only one chance for this. “Maybe I was reading things wrong yesterday, but we both said we liked each other, right? I didn’t dream that.”

Ashton stared at him for the whole of two seconds before answering.

“No, you didn’t.”

Calum felt himself deflate a little that he had gotten Ashton to answer him. The older boy opened his mouth and closed it a couple of times, but Calum didn’t hurry him up. He’d wait, if that meant he got answers.

“I am. Into you, I mean. A lot.” Ashton muttered, this time diverting his gaze when a slight blush appeared on his cheeks. Calum’s heartbeat quickened, but there was something about Ashton’s face that just seemed to foreshadow bad things coming. “I just…” He trailed off.

Ashton had closed his eyes, his hands going white again as he tightened them in a fist. Calum wished he could reach out, take his hand, do something. So he did.

Ashton immediately turned to him, surprised that Calum had taken his left hand in his, trying to open up the fist. Ashton stared at him as Calum opened his fingers one by one, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles softly. Calum had always been one to offer physical comfort simply because it had been engraved in his nature since childhood. His nan had attested to that.

Ashton drew in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and then started talking again.

“I panicked last night. I am sorry I did that to you.” He muttered, his eyes freshly shining. Calum hurried to answer.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Ash.”

“There _is_.”

Ashton took his hand from between Calum’s, leaving it on his lap and turning to face him fully. His eyes were fully present this time.

“I like you a lot, Calum.” Ashton sighed, and Calum knew there was a catch coming. “Last time I felt like this about someone, something happened, and…”

Ashton’s voice caught in his throat, and he was evidently trying not to cry. Calum felt bad for making Ashton feel this way. He regretted now coming here, forcing Ashton to answer him. He hated himself for having an incessant need to know everything, to understand everything. Some things were better left unturned.

“You don’t have to tell me, Ash.” He said quietly. But Ashton shook his head.

“I think I need you to know.” He seemed determined. “It’s just… Difficult for me.”

“If you’re not ready to talk about it, it’s okay, Ash. There’s just some things that can’t be talked about. I respect that.”

Calum admitted he was curious, but he would never force anything out of Ashton right now. It was clearly leaving him in pieces just gearing up to tell him. Ashton was blinking back tears and Calum only wanted to hug him. But he didn’t know if Ashton would allow it. Holding his hand had been one thing, hugging him after yesterday… It was risky.

“I…” Ashton trailed off, before toughening up. “You should know. At least the gist of it even if I’m not ready to tell you everything.”

He looked apologetic for not feeling able to open up completely and Calum wanted to smack him, tell him that apologising for that was stupid, but given the situation it wasn’t appropriate. He nodded instead.

“I lost someone I… cared about last year.”

Ashton whispered. He was looking off again, his eyes unfocussed. Not sad, not anything. Just devoid of any emotion. And now it made sense. A little. There were only so many things that could leave a person in that apathetic state, and someone dying on you was one of them.

“Having a crush on someone, on _you,_ felt good. I felt something for the first time in a while.” Ashton continued. And this time Calum didn’t even care, he scooched over, needing to be closer to him, squeezing Ashton’s knee. Ashton lightly blushed but didn’t raise his gaze. “I wanted that kiss with you. The first time, on the bridge. Last night. I wanted it. It’s just... It became _real_. No longer just a crush. Everything kind of felt _off_ for a moment and I-.”

Ashton stopped abruptly, dragging in a deep breath. Calum felt him slightly trembling and tightened his hold on him, silently encouraging him to keep going.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this, Calum.” He looked at him then, properly. For the first time since Calum had arrived. “I want to, so badly. But I’m still a mess.”

Calum retrieved his hand now, turned to face him completely too. Ashton was evidently trying not to cry, and Calum’s heart was breaking for this boy. It didn’t matter how much he knew about Ashton. It didn’t matter that they had only properly known each other from less than a week. None of that mattered. Just seeing Ashton’s eyes, and Calum’s heart was breaking for them, because no one deserved to suffer like this. He didn’t know how Ashton had lost that someone. It didn’t matter either. They were gone, and they had left a gaping hole in Ashton’s heart. That much was clear.

And Calum just wanted him to feel better. Even if that meant he wouldn’t have a chance with him.

“Believe me when I say I really, really want to. More than I’ve been letting myself believe.” Ashton whispered, not blinking, and Calum believed him. This time it was Ashton who reached for his hand, but it didn’t feel like it was supposed to. Calum felt like he was about to be rejected.

His voice was suddenly nowhere to be found, all that came out a broken whisper.

“That’s the only thing that matters, isn’t it? That you want this?”

Calum felt tears welling up in his eyes and he hated this. He hated that someone he hadn’t even known for that long had this power over him. Had the power to break him. And was doing so without even wanting to.

“I don’t know, Calum.”

Ashton was trying to let him down gently, but his eyes were shining, and Calum knew there was some part of him that didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to turn him away. Or at least that’s what he hoped. Because he needed that hope right now. He didn’t want to give Ashton up. Calum felt like giving up on getting to know him would be a mistake. And he knew that was insane. But he didn’t care.

He took Ashtons hand in his, interlacing their fingers. Then brought them up. He was scared, but he had to ask again.

“Do you want this? Right now?”

Ashton was staring at their fingers, his face hidden from Calum’s view. He couldn’t know what Ashton was thinking, what was going on through his mind. It drove Calum crazy. He had unconsciously started to caress Ashton’s hand with his thumb. Yesterday Ashton had smiled bashfully at him when he did that, but there was no trace of it today.

“You don’t want to get involved with me, Calum. It’s not worth it.”

The companion ‘ _I’m_ not worthy _’_ was left unsaid, but Calum knew Ashton was thinking it.

“I like you. I want to get to know you. I say it is.” Ashton recoiled at that, still not showing his face. “I’m not saying dive in face first. We can take it slow.”

_Oh god, please say yes._

Calum had never put himself on the line like this before. If someone didn’t want to stay with him, he would just nod and let them get on their way. But Ashton wasn’t like them. Ashton had said he wanted this. He just felt burdened by a past that Calum frankly didn’t even care about anymore.

“I’m not sure you understand.”

“I may not, but we both want this, right?” He squeezed Ashton’s hand, making him glance up. “Everything else is just details.”

There was something now on Ashton’s gaze. A flickering of hope. Light shining through. But he still looked scared.

“When I say I want to get to know you, I mean _all_ of you, Ashton.” He pressed. Ashton had left the door slightly open and Calum would push through it with all his might if it meant a chance with him. “Scars and all. We all have them.”

He saw the hesitation on Ashton’s eyes. The way the muscles on his cheeks pulled tight as he clenched his teeth. He felt how Ashton’s pulse quickened where his thumb rested against his wrist.

“Why are you so willing?” Ashton asked. He looked mighty confused, staring down at their linked hands. “We haven’t known each other that long. You could just forget yesterday and go on your way.” He took his hand from Calum’s, who tried to conceal the hurt at Ashton having done it, but he knew the older boy had seen it. “Why come here?”

“You looked broken last night.” He answered quickly. “I was worried I had fucked it up somehow, because if I like you already this much it _has_ to mean something. I didn’t want to fuck up.” He almost tripped over his words trying to get them out before Ashton closed off again. But he didn’t, not at once. The beginnings of a shy smile overtook his features and his eyes glanced downwards for a few seconds before looking straight into Calum’s.

“You didn’t.” Calum was confused for a second, but, “You were perfect.”

Ashton’s smile had grown, showing his dimples and a sliver of shyness. And there was a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks. He looked so impossibly cute. But he was mistaken.

“I know I wasn’t.” Calum sighed. “I should have run after you.”

Ashton shook his head, his smile turning into a grimace.

“That’s…” He looked around the room before closing his eyes, sighing. “That wouldn’t have gone well.”

He seemed lost in thought for a moment, and Calum feared he had lost him again to his demons. He wanted Ashton. Unabashedly. Calum didn’t care if he would have to wait for him each time he got lost as long as he came back. As long as he wanted to keep coming back to him.

There was a curl falling into Ashton’s eyes, out of place. Calum reached involuntarily to push it back, realising what he had done once Ashton looked back to him, going stiff. Calum retracted his hand, the points of his fingers burning where they had caressed Ashton.

“I came today.” Calum whispered. “Did _that_ go well?”

It seemed like all their conversation pended on Ashton’s answer now. Calum’s heart hadn’t gone back to its normal speed ever since Ashton had told him he was perfect yesterday. But this now… This was what would decide if Calum left here in the need to mend his heart, or with hope looking to the future. Ashton studied him for a moment, uncertainty in his eyes.

“What do you want me to say?” He finally muttered back.

“The truth.”

Ashton nodded, closing his eyes for a breath, as if the thought of laying the truth completely bare clogged up his throat.

“I don’t know what that is anymore.” He murmured. “I’m the one who’s fucked up, Calum. You shouldn’t want to get involved with this.”

Ashton was generally gesturing at himself, and even though he indeed looked tired, and ill, and wrecked, Calum saw nothing but his shining eyes, beautifully framed by his glasses, reflecting every so often the flickering light of one of the candles. He saw how Ashton was holding his sleeves cutely over his hands, the way his hair had fallen again on his face. The curve of his lips. The nearly invisible laughter lines. Ashton looked beautiful. The _real_ kind.

Calum was about to speak up when Ashton surprised him.

“And yet…” There was something in his voice that made Calum lean in closer. “I like you. I want to get to know you. I want _you_ to know who I am and then decide to stay.”

Ashton had leaned in too. He was close enough that Calum could feel the heat radiating from his body, but not close enough that they touched. Not yet.

“You coming here…” Ashton’s eyes left his for a millisecond. His eyebrows were slightly arched, like he was confused about something. “I didn’t expect that. It surprised me, but… I liked it. Call me selfish.”

“Wanting to be happy is not selfish, Ash.” Calum whispered.

Now he was closer, he could see Ashton’s eyes clearly. See the all the colours they had, get lost in them. But he knew what he still had to say was important, and he shouldn’t let Ashton’s eyes distract him from that. He backed out a little, searched for his lost breath. Tried to think of how to say it without making Ashton run for the hills again.

“You don’t have to forget your past for this to work, Ash. I’d never dream of asking that.” This time, when Ashton reached for his hand, tentatively wrapping his fingers around Calum’s, it felt _right._ “Whoever you lost is as much a part of you as are your hair, your eyes, your laughter, your dreams…”

Ashton breathed in deep, closed his eyes. Calum turned his hand upwards, thumb caressing his knuckles once again.

“Bec.” Ashton mumbled. If Calum hadn’t been so focused on him, maybe he would have missed it. “Her name was Bec.”

Calum kept caressing his hand. Ashton sighed like he had just ridden himself of a huge weight. Tears were tracking slowly down his face. He was trying not to succumb to his sobs, the tightness of his shoulders and his deep breathing betraying him. Calum reached to brush some tears away. Ashton seemed to break down then.

It hurt watching him like this, watching him crying and not being able to do anything to help him. Calum knew from experience that it was best to let it all out, let the tears flow, let the sadness take over for as long as it took you to accept it. Or at least until the hurt seemed to fade a little. Just until breathing was easy again. Crying _always_ helped. And having a shoulder to cry on helped too.

Without thinking too much about it, he stretched his arms, wrapping Ashton in them, hugging him closer. Ashton went easily, clutched him almost desperately, let his forehead fall on Calum’s shoulder. He was shaking, sobbing freely now. Calum wondered how long Ashton had been keeping this in. It never was good to keep these feelings to one-self. It didn’t work out well.

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but one of his hands had found its way to Ashton’s hair, gently combing through it. He had reclined on the sofa, Ashton’s head resting on his chest, Calum’s arms still holding him tight. The tears had slowed down, Ashton’s body mostly relaxed. There was only one tea light still flickering, the rest had died down. The only sounds heard were their breaths, Ashton’s nearly matching Calum’s.

“Thanks for telling me.” He whispered on Ashton’s ear, combing his hair back.

Ashton looked almost ready to pass out, craning his neck a little to be able to look at him. Calum felt as tired as Ashton looked. They stayed looking into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, before Ashton got up, rubbing his eyes and looking away. He was hiding like he was embarrassed.

“So.” Ashton muttered.

Calum looked at him inquisitively, but Ashton didn’t offer any other words. He had a couple stray tears running down his cheeks, leaving salty tracks that reflected the candlelight. He let out a watery chuckle, rubbing them off.

“I’m sorry for that.”

“You’re stupid.”

The speed with which Ashton turned to him, offended, was kind of hilarious. Calum couldn’t stop the giggle coming up.

“I meant that you shouldn’t apologise for that. We’re all human. We need to cry. It’s good for us?” He fumbled to defend himself, but he was still kind of laughing at Ashton’s furrowed brow. He looked cute.

“Do you still want to get to know me after _that_?” Ashton mused, laughter in slipping into his voice.

But his eyes were guarded. He was putting up a front, trying to protect himself.

“More than ever.” Calum breathed.

He watched in awe as Ashton’s face opened up, his eyes shining, but he didn’t think these were the same tears as before.

“We can take it slow.” He said again. Ashton kept looking at him like he was a unicorn he had just found. An impossible creature just because Calum had said he still wanted to get to know him. “I _like you_ , Ash. A lot. I want to see where this gets us.”

There was a smile beginning to grow on the corner of Ashton’s lips, threatening to break out, take over his face. There was hope there, too.

“Okay?” He smiled.

“Yes?”

“Yeah.” Ashton nodded.

He was laughing softly, biting his lip. Calum could have squealed right now. Instead he drew Ashton in a hug, breathing him in, smearing his smile on Ashton’s collarbone. He was giggling too. Ashton had said yes to trying. That was all that mattered now. Calum felt the weight that had loomed over his heart since yesterday lift out, letting him breathe easily again.

He broke the hug, cradling Ashton’s face in his hands.

“Fair warning, I’m going to kiss you now.” He gushed.

“Now?”

“Yeah, you just said yes to us, so I’m taking my chances while you can’t run away.” Calum laughed.

Ashton rolled his eyes at him, but the smile Calum had managed to break out of him was still present, lightening up his face.

“My room has a lock. I can _totally_ ran away.” Ashton giggled.

“Would you?”

A second never felt longer.

“Nah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter is incredibly long for not so much stuff happening. I keep writing longer and longer chapters, sorry 😅  
> Hope you liked it ^^  
> (Next chapter is fun times, and after that there's a breather from the angst)


	7. Santa Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated holidays (if you celebrate them)!  
> Family stuff sucked me in the last few days and I wasn't able to write or proofread until yesterday so this is mighty late. Hope you enjoy! ^^

“You can’t run away! That’s not fair!”

“It _is_ fair!”

“Aaaaasshtoooon!”

“Please, don’t. I washed my hair this morning.”

He saw Calum’s evil smirk growing, his eyes shining.

“You can always shower later.”

“Not on the hair, please.” Ashton resigned to his fate.

Calum started snickering as he tackled Ashton to the ground, smearing his icing-covered hands all over his cheeks. Ashton made a face at it, but with Calum giggling on top of him it didn’t last long. Instead, he thought of how to retaliate. He had the perfect opportunity. Calum was still laughing, carefree, and Ashton took the chance. He leaned up and rubbed his cheek against Calum’s nose and mouth, painting it green with icing too.

“Hey!” Calum shot up quickly, crawling backwards on his knees to try to put some distance between them, raising his arms in surrender.

“You deserved that.” Ashton sat up as Calum tried to stand without putting his hands on the carpet.

“Maybe I did.” He conceded. Then his tongue darted up to lick the icing on his face. “I like green. Green tastes better than white.”

Ashton laughed and got up, walking to his kitchen and taking a paper towel, beginning to clean his face.

“They literally taste the same, we used the same ingredients.”

“Green is better.” Calum argued stubbornly.

They had been baking cookies for about two hours now, making the glaze for decorations while the batches cooled down enough for it not to melt as soon as it touched the cookie. Ashton didn’t know how they had ended up like this.

Calum and he had spent most of their morning taking a walk through the Christmas Market up in Godmanchester. That had been fun, and for the first time Calum had been more excited than Ashton about everything there. He had done his Christmas shopping too, holding up wood carvings and candles and other trinkets for Ashton to look at, smell or just laugh as he tried to decide what to buy for his family. They had even eaten there, shuffling back to Ashton’s car with full bellies.

“You have icing on your lips.” Calum gladly informed him as he cleaned his hands, walking towards him and offering a paper towel.

“Gee, I wonder why.”

Ashton was rolling his eyes, but Calum leaned in and honest-to-god licked it off, leaving Ashton red-faced and flustered while the younger boy went back to stirring the glaze, this time without diving his fingers in it and coming for Ashton.

He was discovering a whole new side to Calum. Not just with the icing war, but with everything. Calum was mischievous and playful, and suddenly it made a whole lot of sense him and Michael being best friends.

Ashton took him by the hand and walked around the bookshelf, plopping down on the sofa with Calum tumbling on top of him. The younger boy laughed, but he cuddled right into Ashton’s open arms. Calum’s clothes smelled like firewood from the restaurant where they had eaten, tucked away in a corner next to the fireplace. He also smelled like the Christmas cookies he had stated were imperative to have on Ashton’s house, thus prompting them both to start baking. Thankfully Ashton’s kitchen had been well stocked, and they hadn’t had to take the car anywhere else.

“I like this.”

Calum mumbled against his chest, his hand snaking down Ashton’s arm and wrapping around his hand, lacing their fingers.

“Me too.”

Calum hummed and started his usual caressing on Ashton’s knuckles. The more Ashton got to know him, the more physical Calum got. He plastered himself to Ashton’s side when he was tired, he fell asleep on Ashton twice on the days they had met up for coffee at his place. He took him by the hand everywhere. Ashton kind of loved it. Maybe it should have felt weird given the little time they had been ‘together’, but it made Ashton happy and warm inside every time Calum cuddled up close, or traced patterns on any part of Ashton he could get his fingertips on.

Calum’s kisses were Ashton’s favourite, though. After the scare of the first kiss, Ashton had relaxed a lot, new memories with Calum shining through the old ones, allowing him to enjoy the moment. And _oh god_ if he enjoyed it. Calum offered his kisses freely, and Ashton was intending on taking full advantage of that. His lips were addictive, kisses always leaving Ashton breathless and weak in the knees. Calum didn’t fare much better, and that just made Ashton’s heart swell with warmth all over, stupid smile always gracing his face.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?”

Calum craned his neck to look at him.

“Last bus’ at 19:30.” He repeated.

Ashton hummed. He wanted to spend more time with Calum. Ashton had picked him up early this morning, Calum’s eyes still riddled with sleep when he had stopped in front of his building. He had looked so soft and sleepy that Ashton had felt bad for making him wake up early on his free day. But Calum had eagerly climbed up to the car, dismissing Ashton when he asked if he preferred to go back up and nap a little. To his credit, it had only taken him ten minutes to fully wake up. _Tea works wonders_ , Calum had snickered as Ashton drove towards Godmanchester.

With Calum everything felt easier. Ashton was beginning to get addicted to it. And not even spending almost nine hours together was enough to satisfy him.

“Do you want to stay the night, then?”

At that Calum got up all the way, sitting on his feet on the other end of the couch. Ashton’s heart started beating faster inside his chest. He hadn’t even realised what he had said until he blurted it out loud, the suggestion hanging between them.

Calum was biting his lower lip, clearly debating on what to answer. Ashton sat up also, nervous from the lack of it. Until Calum sighed and his face fell a little.

“I have a class early tomorrow, I can’t.”

Ashton tried not to let his disappointment show, taking Calum’s hand in his and squeezing a little.

“I have work.“ He tried. “I can drop you off before.”

Something flashed in Calum’s eyes, Ashton wasn’t sure what it had been. But the younger boy was nervously worrying his lip, looking directly onto Ashton’s eyes, keeping their gazes locked. He squeezed back Ashton’s hand, but his eyes looked conflicted, like he was thinking about this way too hard.

“Are you sure?” Calum muttered, looking down.

Ashton sighed. He knew what Calum was most probably thinking about. Ashton had ran away after a kiss not that long ago. Maybe staying the night would be too much too soon, but even if Ashton had just blurted it out, he didn’t feel anything within himself but a wish to stay as long as he could with Calum.

“Stay.”

He could see the beginnings of a smile growing ever so softly on Calum’s mouth as he nodded, and Ashton mirrored it before tackling him to the couch and diving in first for a kiss for once. Calum kept smiling through the kiss, and Ashton felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes at the feeling growing inside his chest, but they weren’t sad tears. One of Calum’s hands snaked upwards, burying itself on Ashton’s hair. It made Ashton let out a moan, mind racing with possibilities. He was about to deepen the kiss when Calum’s phone started beeping loudly. He groaned.

“If we don’t start decorating now, the frosting’s going to harden.” Calum muttered underneath him. He was breathless, his cheeks completely flushed, and the tone of his voice made Ashton feel _something_.

He skipped over the easy pun about something else that could be hardened and sat up, scrunching his face.

“Come on, decorating cookies is fun.” Calum laughed, brushing a stray curl away from Ashton’s forehead, hand sliding down to cup his cheek, thumb rubbing softly over it.

Neither of them made to move for a moment. But then Ashton sighed and stood up from the sofa, helping Calum up by the hand he still had in his, walking back to the kitchen.

“So… What are we painting?” Ashton mused as he began to fill one of the piping bags with the white frosting. He didn’t even remember when he had bought them -or the food colouring, for that matter-. Probably one of the times Luke had invited himself over for a ‘bonding-afternoon’ that included making Ashton’s kitchen a mess.

“I call dibs on the trees.”

“Is it because then you get the green frosting?”

“No?”

Calum smiled innocently at him. Ashton squinted at him, trying to discern his intentions, but Calum kept smiling and… Ashton couldn’t say no to that face.

“Okay. What do I get?”

“Snowflakes?”

Ashton shook his head, laughing, but set up to do the task as Calum started filling another piping bag with the green icing.

Decorating was indeed _fun._ Especially when neither of them was good at it and Calum’s trees ended up displaying a variety of memes instead of the garlands they were supposed to have with the red and yellow icing. There were even some with complicated physics formulas that made Calum crack up every time he saw them. Ashton didn’t understand why.

He had moved on from the snowflakes –he was quite happy with a couple of them, but the first ones had been just horrendous– to the last of the cookies, shaped like little people. Calum had snatched his piping bag and started drawing boobs and penises in all of them, making Ashton shake his head at him. For an astrophysicist-to-be, Calum was kind of childish sometimes. It still made Ashton crack up like an eight-year-old, so maybe he shouldn’t be one to talk.

“I’m glad we don’t have pink frosting. I’m beginning to fear your meaning of _fun_.” Ashton chuckled.

“No one’s going to see these cookies apart from us, so, what does it matter what they look like? We can at least laugh a little when we see them.”

“That’s true.”

Calum pecked him on the cheek and went back to his design of a robot. Ashton hopped on the little space remaining on the counter, careful not to knock his head against the cupboards.

“I didn’t think about if you’d need your books if you stayed tonight.”

Calum looked up at that, chuckling.

“I completed the reports for tomorrow last night, that’s why I was so tired this morning.”

One of his hands had found footing on Ashton’s thigh, just above the knee, and his touch was making Ashton kind of nervous.

“I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. I wanted to have the whole day free for you.”

Ashton felt himself melt at that, and that Calum had a slight blush as he said it just made him melt a little bit more. Calum had to know what effect those words had on him, right?

“What should we have for dinner? You want to go out?”

Ashton tried to change the subject, his cheeks feeling really hot, but the smile never leaving. Calum went back to his cookie, but he hummed, thinking about Ashton’s question.

“Maybe we can order in? I don’t want to go out again.”

“You down for pizza?”

“Yeah.” Calum was finishing the last details on the last cookie, finally. He left the bag on the counter next to the tray, and then turned to Ashton, resting both his hands now on Ashton’s thighs.

“Hawaiian?”

“Yes, please.” Ashton immediately agreed.

Calum shook his head giggling and leaned in to kiss Ashton. Ashton sighed through the kiss, his tongue darting to lick Calum’s lips, intending to deepen the kiss a little but.

“Why do you taste like icing? Did you _eat_ the leftovers of the green icing?”

“No?”

“You’re unbelievable.” Ashton giggled, but before Calum could step back indignant, Ashton grabbed him by his jumper and pulled him in, going for another sugary kiss.

***

They finished their pizza in record time, some Netflix Christmas film’s credits on the background as Calum told him about his plans for the break. He was finishing the term this following week, so it was just a matter of checking train timetables and buying his ticket after that. He changed the topic quickly, though, and Ashton couldn’t help but feel like it was because of something related to him not having his family over for Christmas.

“Should we do something before I go back home?” Calum asked instead, tucked away in the corner of the sofa, his feet propped up on top of Ashton’s thighs.

“Like, a dinner?”

“Yeah. I still haven’t thanked Luke for slipping me your address.”

Ashton laughed at that, but Calum looked totally serious about thanking Luke, inviting him for dinner.

“I’m free next Thursday, I’d have to ask Luke.” He said after he checked his schedule on the app. “We can invite Michael too.”

Calum looked at him inquisitively.

“Michael?”

“Yeah. He’s your best friend. I want to get to know him, too.”

Calum blushed and nodded, smiling bashfully at him. He looked incredibly cute, his soft hair falling in his eyes, curls wild. Ashton felt an endless want to run his hands through it. His eyes fell down to Calum’s collarbone, peeking out from where his jumper had fallen slightly on his shoulder. There was a hint of ink there, too. Calum had explained the tattoos on his hands when he caught Ashton looking at them during their third date, but he hadn’t said anything else about any other tattoos. Ashton was definitely intrigued. But if he asked right now, Calum would know what he had been looking at, and Ashton’s intention hadn’t been exactly decent when his eyes had travelled downwards from Calum’s mouth to his chest. His mouth was on the drier side.

“Should I put another film?”

“What?”

“I asked if I should put another film.” Calum laughed, and Ashton wanted to die on the spot.

He nodded quickly, blush rushing to his cheeks. Calum started searching Netflix for another movie, and Ashton rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to come out of his daze. Calum had to think him a weirdo by now. Ashton had more than once –and twice and thrice– got lost in his brain because he ended up staring at Calum’s lips, his hands, his arms, any part of him, really. Ashton felt like a creep for openly ogling the younger boy, but... Calum was hot. He had to know that, right? He had to know the effect he had on people when he wore his tight tartan pants and fitted tees and jumpers. Calum _had_ to know.

“I’m getting a glass of wine, do you want some?” He asked Calum, coughing a little. He really needed some liquid for his dry throat.

“Do you have white?”

“I can open a bottle.”

Ashton quickly got up, padding around the sofa to the kitchen and opening the fridge. He had bought a bottle of _Verdejo_ on his last grocery run. Calum had mentioned he liked white wine in passing, and Ashton had noted it down, like most Calum said about himself. He preferred white wine over red and both over beer, his favourite food was chicken korma -specifically from a place a little ways off Cambourne-, he had a giant sweet tooth, ... The list went onwards and onwards, and every time Calum let another detail slip into his speech, Ashton smiled and noted it down on his mental list of things the boy liked.

“I put up your Christmas playlist on spotify. We can talk for a while.” Calum informed him from his place in the sofa, and yes, John Denver’s voice floated from the tv speakers to the tiny kitchen.

Calum had turned to observe him, arms draping over the couch and his hands playing some sort of rhythm along to _Dreamland Express._ He looked sleepy and tired, cosy in the zip-up hoodie Ashton had lent him when he said he was cold. He smiled at Ashton when he started softly humming along to the song. Ashton quickly finished opening and pouring the wine, putting the bottle back inside the fridge right after. He worked tomorrow, and Calum had classes, it wasn’t like they could get drunk tonight.

He made his way back to the sofa with the two glasses, offering Calum one of them.

“Thanks, Ash.”

“No worries, babe.”

He stopped himself before letting go of the glass, Calum’s fingers on top of his. Suddenly the silence was deafening, he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. Ashton didn’t dare to look up from the glass and see Calum’s reaction to his words. But the younger boy just reached with his other hand for the glass, gripping it tightly. Ashton let it go slowly once he knew it wasn’t going to fall down. Today seemed to be the day he blurted things out, apparently. He sat down without even glancing sideways to Calum and took a big sip from the glass.

“Babe?”

Calum’s voice was impossibly soft, and it made Ashton melt and turn to look at him, gulping down whatever wine he had left in his mouth. Calum was blushing too, his eyes trained on the glass, small smile playing on his lips.

“I didn’t think, it just c-”

“Shh.” Calum silenced him with a finger to his lips, his eyes flickering between Ashton’s and the floor. “I kinda love it.”

He was looking bashfully away from Ashton’s eyes again, his cheeks growing even redder.

“Kinda?”

Calum nodded, still not looking at him and Ashton slowly left the glass of wine on the coffee table, reaching for Calum’s and taking it from him, leaving it next to the other. Then he turned back to Calum, now peering at him timidly from his corner of the sofa. Ashton moved closer to him. This dichotomy from Calum, playful most of the time but incredibly shy any time Ashton complimented him or said he liked him was driving Ashton crazy, warm and fuzzy feelings unfurling in his chest. He didn’t know what he had done right to get to know a boy as stunning and incredible as Calum. That Calum wanted to get to know him… it was inconceivable for Ashton. He leaned in, looking into Calum’s eyes before closing the distance between them and pressing his lips to Calum’s waiting ones. Calum instantly hugged him tighter, making Ashton fall down against him. It made Ashton have to stop for like a millisecond to let out a chuckle at the eagerness before Calum drew him back in.

The kiss felt different somehow. Calum bit his lower lip, making Ashton moan and open up his mouth, Calum’s tongue darting inside instantly. It made Ashton’s blood rush south leaving him light-headed and dizzy, want rushing through his veins. Calum’s hands were running through his hair, down his back, pressing him closer. Ashton took the cue, did the same, his hands reaching everywhere they could while they were laying down on the sofa. Calum’s soft hair, his neck, his arms,… And then Calum turned them over, straddling Ashton, holding him against the couch as he attacked his mouth with reinvigorated fervour. Ashton didn’t even have time to be embarrassed about the sounds he was letting out as worked up as he was. He reached up to Calum’s hair again, gripping tightly, and Calum let out the biggest moan, making Ashton shiver all the way to his core. The room was getting hotter by the second. He could feel himself beginning to chub up, Calum too. It was impossible not to feel it when he was literally sitting on top of his dick. It made him kind of go crazy with want, his hips rutting upwards, Calum whining.

And then the playlist changed songs, making Calum break the kiss abruptly, both of them groaning. But then Calum was giggling like crazy, hiding his face in Ashton’s collarbone.

“I’m sorry, I can’t keep this up while _Kermit the frog_ is _singing_.”

Ashton cracked up, still breathless from the kiss. But yes, hearing Kermit singing _The Christmas Wish_ could effectively kill anyone’s mood.

“Making out while Kermit’s singing is disturbing, indeed.”

“It is. Very.”

Calum laughed on top of him, but he sat up, helping Ashton up with him. His cheeks were flushed, and he tried to readjust himself slightly, making Ashton’s mouth go kind of dry again at the sight. He was definitely going to hell.

“Okay, I want to taste this wine.” Calum gushed, grabbing his glass and handing Ashton’s his, sudden mischievous smile growing on his face. “To Kermit the frog.”

He raised the glass and Ashton snorted.

“Really?” He asked raising his eyebrows, but he clicked his glass anyway with Calum’s, taking a small sip afterwards. Now that it wasn’t so completely chilled, he could taste it better. Maybe he should take a page out of Calum’s book, this stuff was delicious.

“Where’s this from?” Calum asked after he tasted his own.

“Spain. Well. Morrisons.” Ashton laughed.

“I like it.” Calum decided, and it made Ashton smile like a crazy person when he saw Calum taking another sip. He was beyond glad Calum had liked it.

Ashton left the glass down on the table again, reclining on the sofa. He was beginning to feel tired. Calum, however, tucked his feet under himself, facing Ashton, not leaving his drink. He was still taking sips and Ashton feared the headache he would have tomorrow for drinking too much too fast. But he looked super happy, so Ashton stayed shut. He’d offer him an ibuprofen later.

In the couple of times they had met up for drinks up in Cambridge, Ashton had discovered that Calum could be a lightweight depending on the drink. Thankfully, wine, he could handle. But last week Ashton had ordered a mojito for each of them and he hadn’t realised his mistake until he heard Calum slurping on the non-existent remaining of his drink not even fifteen minutes after Ashton had brought them to their table. Calum liked sugary drinks, and he drank them like they were water, and that day Ashton had ended up with a half-asleep, really drunk Calum on his arms after only one drink. Kind of funny and kind of cute, but Calum weighed a ton, and he wasn’t really cooperative when drunk.

“I’m going to miss you over the break.” Calum mused, staring at the bottom of his glass, eyes unfocused.

“I’m sure you won’t even have time for that, you haven’t gone back home since August.” Ashton tried. “Plus, you have to study.”

But his heart was doing weird things inside his chest. Knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling like that was comforting. Even if it still kind of sucked.

“Still going to miss you.” Calum sighed, leaving his glass on the table.

Ashton opened his arms before Calum even started crawling towards him, hugging him close once he was within reach.

“I’ll miss you too.”

***

Ashton didn’t know if the little alcohol they had had was to blame, or they just felt crazy, or they were trying too hard to have some fun after the mood had winded down with the confession that they were going to miss each other, but half an hour later they were both on their feet, dancing in their socks around Ashton’s apartment to the sound of the Christmas playlist. Calum was singing too, making Ashton marvel at his voice. Really, he didn’t know he could be even more gone for the boy, but Calum’s singing voice… It just made _something_ spark to life inside of Ashton.

Calum had ditched the zip-up hoodie and his jumper by now, dressed down to his long-sleeved tee, and had an adorable blush that went all the way to his chest. Ashton wanted to know how far it went. Like, for science purposes. He was a nurse, these things were interesting.

“Do you want more wine?”

Calum laughed, stopping mid song and turning to him.

“I think water’s best for now. I don’t want to get so drunk I don’t remember this.”

And Ashton’s heart was in a puddle on the floor. Honestly, Calum just let these things fly out of his mouth so freely. So carefree. So lovingly. Ashton’s breath caught in his throat.

“Okay, so water it is.”

It took another half hour of _‘All I Want for Christmas Is You_ ‘s and _‘_ S _anta Claus is Coming to Town_ ’s for them to calm down, Calum plopping himself on the corner of the sofa Ashton was beginning to think as his. He was breathless, and his cheeks were still flushed, his eyes sparkling.

Things had subsided now, the laughter and the bubbliness winding down, as had the alcohol in their veins, Ashton supposed, if it had indeed been the alcohol that made them free like that. He had taken out a plate with some cookies just in case, but they hadn’t really done anything to reach for them yet.

Maybe they should be going to sleep right now, Calum was cutely yawning here and there. He just seemed so cosy, feet tucked underneath Ashton’s legs to keep them from the cold. Ashton could get used to this. It was scary how much he _was_ getting used to having Calum here _already._

Calum was glancing at him with a small smile and Ashton was just about to speak up when the playlist changed songs and he saw something glint in Calum’s eyes. Ashton’s tired brain hadn’t caught on to which song it was yet, so when Calum turned his body to him, retracting his feet from under Ashton’s legs and getting on his knees, mischievously looking at him under his lashes, even sending him a wink, he was completely dumbfounded. But then.

“ _Santa, baby, slip a Rolex under the tree, for me.”_

He was singing softly, looking Ashton dead in the eye.

“ _I’ve... been an awful **good guy**.” _

Calum began to sing over Bublé. He had such a nice voice, but this... His voice sounded down right filthy like this. Ashton swallowed as Calum started slowly crawling towards him, eyes completely serious although Ashton could tell he was just pulling his leg. Or at least he prayed he was.

“ _Santa buddy...”_ Calum winked at him, sliding a little closer. “ _...and hurry down the chimney tonight.”_

Whatever Calum was playing at, Ashton was sure he couldn’t really handle, because his mouth was parched and he was beginning to think about things he knew he shouldn’t.

“ _Santa buddy, a sixty-five convertible, too_.” No one had the right to sound that sexy. “ _Steel blue._ ”

Calum had gotten close enough to him that he could throw one leg over Ashton’s, straddling him but not sitting down yet, his hands resting on his shoulders. Ashton was kind of speechless, he didn’t even know where to look, just stared at Calum with his mouth hanging open.

 _“I’ll wait up for you,-”_ Calum leaned in closer, whispering in his ear. _“-dear.”_

Even swallowing was difficult now. He was sure he was as red as a tomato, and he was really praying Calum wouldn’t sit down because then he would have it really really difficult to explain why he had a raging boner right now.

_“Santa buddy, and hurry down the chimney tonight.”_

Ashton tried swallowing past the knot on his throat, but Calum was practically on his lap by now and he was a weak, weak man. He was mighty flustered by now, and Calum was holding his gaze, a sly smirk curving up the corner of his mouth. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity for Ashton, his heart racing, but suddenly Calum broke out laughing, covering his mouth, and sitting down on Ashton’s thighs. The older boy thanked god he hadn’t sat up higher.

“Oh my god.” He giggled. “Did that work? How the hell did that work? I was awful!” Calum couldn’t stop laughing, still covering his mouth, eyes crinkling up. Ashton should have been ticked off for Calum working him up like this for all to be just a ruse, but his laughter was contagious and he couldn’t very well resist. He let out an embarrassed chuckle before rubbing his face, trying to hide his blush.

“Define work.” He whined.

“I think you know what I _mean_.” Calum giggled again. But he leaned in for a peck that Ashton didn’t deny. He couldn’t. It was a short, sweet kiss, though.

“Should we, like, talk about this?” Calum’s eyes glanced downwards and Ashton followed his gaze, realising for the first time that Calum hadn’t exactly been unaffected either.

“Why?”

“I said slow. I meant it.” Calum whispered, unstraddling Ashton and sitting down facing him. “ _Kermit_ before kind of helped me stop before anything else happened. And this–” He waved around himself, trying to encompass what had just happened. “this... whatever it was – _I can’t believe I did that_ –,” Calum muttered, blood rushing to his cheeks “–isn’t exactly slow. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No. No.” Ashton rushed. “It was just...unexpected.”

Calum giggled at that, cheeks still red. Michael Bublé was still singing _Santa Baby_ over the speakers. Ashton thought he’d never be able to listen to it from then on and not think back to Calum singing it. He’d have to take it out of the playlist, just as a safety measure against possible non-appropriate boners.

“I didn’t expect it to lead anywhere.” Calum mumbled, grabbing his glass, now full of water and gulping it down quickly.

He didn’t offer anything else, and the silence stretched over them, not really uncomfortable, but not entirely easy to digest either. There was still some tension in the air. Maybe Calum was right and they should discuss this thing, _sex_ , before things festered. They had never set boundaries, not that Ashton thought were necessary, but Calum seemed to think they were.

“But it _could_ lead somewhere.” Ashton mumbled back, reaching for Calum’s hand.

“I wasn’t intending on it to _work_.” Calum rubbed his face with his free hand, bashful. “I’m actually surprised it did.” He let out a chuckle.

“Why?”

“Come on, Ash.” Calum turned to him, biting his lip, his eyes doubting but his mouth full of mirth. “Me stupidly singing _Santa Baby_ really turns you on?”

Ashton laughed, but something flashed in Calum’s eyes and then he hurried to explain himself.

“ _You_ turn me on, Calum.” He was sure he still looked flushed, but Calum’s cheeks got even redder at that, giggling nervously, as if he didn’t believe it. “Doesn’t matter what you do. You _do_ know you’re hot, right?”

Calum covered his face with his hands, blushing red even to his ears. Ashton’s heart was a mix between embarrassed himself and melting because Calum was so frigging cute, again with that addicting mix of timid and playful that left Ashton breathless and falling even harder each passing day.

“I, um, I...” Calum started. “I don’t even know how I did that.”

Ashton laughed and drew him in, burying his face in Calum’s hair, mouth next to his ear.

“You looked so fucking sexy.”

Calum hit him softly on his shoulder, letting his own forehead fall against it.

“You’re pretty hot too.” He mumbled. Then he chuckled, hiding his face even harder against Ashton’s collarbone before admitting in a low voice, “I mean, I wasn’t quite soft while making out earlier. And like, right now, seeing you were turned on kind of turned me on, too.”

Ashton felt himself moving his lips down until they touched Calum’s neck, chancing a kiss there. The younger boy drew in a sharp breath, his hands tightening on Ashton’s biceps.

“We could…” Ashton trailed off. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted. Ashton wasn’t even sure if he wanted it right now. He wasn’t hard, not all the way now. It was all kind confusing. What wasn’t confusing, _at all,_ was his attraction to Calum. “If you want.”

He let his lips press against Calum’s neck, but didn’t do anything else.

“Do you want?” Calum asked, suddenly leaning away a little and searching for his eyes.

“I want you.” Ashton started but, “I’m just not sure if we should… Right now?”

Calum nodded, sighing slightly.

“You want to talk about that?”

He had moved back on the sofa, putting some space between them. Ashton missed his warmth, shivering a little.

“I’m still not clear this is a good thing for you, Cal.”

Ashton didn’t know how they had gotten here when the whole afternoon had gone so well. But it was meant to happen. They could tip-toe around Ashton’s issues all they wanted, but they were still there. Even if Ashton himself wished he could just forget and lose himself in Calum. At least he didn’t ran to hide now.

“If by ‘this’ you mean us, I still think it is.” Calum argued. “We don’t have to go further for me to know that, Ash. _We_ are a good thing for me.”

Ashton smiled, but he was still mulling over the fact that maybe as long as they didn’t go any further it wouldn’t hurt as much if something happened to break . But if something happened, it would already hurt. It would hurt no matter what they did. And he wanted Calum.

“I want you.” He stated, there was no doubt in that. “But I’m still…”

“I understand, Ash.” Calum took his hand and brought it up to his mouth, kissing his knuckles. “I do.”

Ashton’s heart melted at the action and the words, feelings fluttering in his chest. Calum smiled at him.

“We don’t have to have sex. I mean. I want you too, clearly.” He coughed a little, embarrassed. Ashton chuckled. “And I can believe you when you say you want me.” Calum teased him, his eyes darting down towards Ashton’s crotch. He was half-hard, but he didn’t feel like today would be such a good day to take things even further. He had just invited Calum to stay overnight.

“One step at a time.” Calum smiled, as if reading his mind.

“One step at a time.” Ashton repeated. “I’m okay with kisses, though.” He mumbled.

He didn’t want those to go away. He _liked_ those. Calum let out a short laugh before leaning in, pressing his lips softly against Ashton’s, making Ashton sigh through the kiss before Calum pulled away slowly.

“I’m okay with kisses too.” Calum winked at him before making Ashton recline on the sofa, reaching for the TV remote. He draped Ashton’s right arm over his shoulder and laid down on his chest, sighing when he found a comfortable position, relaxing on top of him. Ashton smiled at him from above.

“So, now what?”

“Now nothing. Now we choose a film.” Calum said as he closed the Spotify app and opened Netflix. He started searching the film tab, but his left hand took Ashton’s in his, interlacing their fingers. “I don’t want to rush things. I don’t _need_ to rush things.”

He said that, but Ashton had left him with blue balls twice today. His own boner had gone down now, and by the looks of Calum’s tight pants, his had as well. It had still been two times Ashton left him hanging. How many more before Calum grew tired of it?

“Are you s–”

“What movie do you fancy?” Calum interrupted him, turning around so he could look Ashton in the eyes. His gaze didn’t leave Ashton any room to ask again.

“Your time to choose.” He smiled softly.

“Ummmmm.” Calum turned around again, browsing Netflix, but Ashton could tell he was thinking of movies he knew and not really looking at the ones he was scrolling through. “Oh. I know. I expect you have watched _Interstellar_ , right?”

“Actually…”

Calum jerked right up at that, turning to look at Ashton with a surprised face, his mouth hanging open.

“It came out _four years ago_.”

Calum sounded horrified. Ashton didn’t get what was the issue here. But for Calum it seemed to be important, so.

“I didn’t really have time to go to the cinema then, and afterwards, I don’t know…” He trailed off, trying to defend himself.

“Oh my god. I can’t be dating someone that hasn’t watched one of my favourite movies.” And everything made sense now. “We’re watching that right now!”

***

“Come on, to bed now.”

Someone said above him, trying to pull him up from the sofa. He borrowed into the couch while the person chuckled.

“Come on, Ash. You’ll sleep better on your bed.”

He slowly opened his eyes, blinking. Calum came into focus, smiling down at him. Ashton felt incredibly tired. But he turned his head and saw the film still playing on his TV. Fuck. He had fallen asleep during the movie. During Calum’s _favourite_ film.

“I’m awake. We can keep watching.” He sat up, rubbing his eyes, but Calum stepped into his line of vision, completely covering the TV.

“You’re going to bed. Now.” Calum said, tugging his arm trying to get him up from the sofa.

“This is my house, I decide when I go to bed.” Ashton whined. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep. He really hadn’t. It was just that he had worked a full day yesterday. He had had three nights before that.

“You’re dead on your feet, Ash.” Calum sighed, worry crystal clear on his eyes. “Come on. You need to rest for tomorrow.”

He tugged on his arm again, and Ashton got up, just because he didn’t like that worry tainting Calum’s gaze.

“Ugh, I didn’t know you were bossy.” He complained, shuffling his way towards the bedroom, Calum gently guiding him, his hands resting on his lower back.

“I had to learn, with Mikey.”

“Hm.” He dropped down on top of the bed, fishing out his pyjamas from under his pillow and climbing back down. Calum was standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed and half a smile on his mouth, clearly amused at him. Ugh, Ashton was too tired to even think of a comeback. Calum had been worst last week when Ashton helped him to bed before leaving his flat. “There’re pyjamas on the left part of the wardrobe, you can borrow some.” He yawned, rubbing his eyes. “I’m going to go brush my teeth. I’ll leave a new toothbrush out for you.”

“Thanks.”

Calum pecked him on the cheek when Ashton passed by him, making him blush at the tenderness even in his zombie state. He rushed in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and washing his face, taking out his contacts, before dragging himself back out to the bedroom. Calum was halfway through putting on Ashton’s reindeer pyjamas, and at any other given moment, he would have laughed. But right now, Calum, _Calum_ , was here. He was wearing his clothes. He was _staying._ Ashton felt fuzzy and warm. Also, exhausted.

He plopped himself on the bed, making Calum bounce a little. The younger boy laughed, finished changing, and excused himself to go to the loo. Ashton crawled under the covers, eyes dropping. He wanted to wait for Calum to come out, say a proper good night to him, but he didn’t know if he would make it.

Ashton thought he had only closed his eyes for a blink when he felt Calum opening up the other end of the duvet, climbing inside the covers, laying down close to Ashton. He laid on his side facing him, curling his legs and hooking his right arm under the pillow.

Ashton yawned, blinking a couple of times to try to stay awake.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Calum giggled.

“I’m glad you said yes to staying the night.” Ashton confessed in a whisper. Although he doubted he had given any impression other than that one. Calum smiled softly, his eyes crinkling up like Ashton liked so much.

“Me too.”

Being like this with Calum… Both cosy, half asleep. Whispering in the dark. It made Ashton’s heart fill with warmth. He hadn’t been this _close_ to someone in a long time. Ashton hadn’t realised how empty and big his own bed had felt until it wasn’t empty anymore.

“I may kick.” He admitted in a low voice, sleep lagging his words. “I don’t remember if I do, I think my brother said so last time I slept with him back home.”

“And that was…?”

“Six? Seven years ago? I can’t remember.” Ashton laughed quietly.

Calum let out a soft giggle, scooching a little bit closer, bringing his arm up and moving it up and down Ashton’s in a gentle caress.

“Well, it doesn’t matter if you don’t mind me.” He sighed. “I’m a cuddler.”

He closed his eyes, depriving Ashton of reading his thoughts, but his lips were curved in an easy smile, his breathing coming softly.

“I like cuddling.” Ashton mumbled, closing his eyes too, breathing in deep.

“Yeah?”

Ashton hummed, pecking Calum’s lips before settling on his back for sleep, opening his arm for Calum to cuddle in. He did, snuggling up close, throwing a leg over Ashton’s, basically latching onto him. Ashton brought his arm down, holding it around the small of Calum’s back, squeezing just a little before relaxing it. Calum was tracing patterns on his chest, but his eyes were already closed.

“Good night, Ash.”

“Good night, Cal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave up on trying to get my Christmas Eve and Christmas chapters out on those days 😪 It was an impossible task and I want this fic to come out okay in the end and not suck, and for that I think I needed time. That said, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!! :3


	8. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Happy (Belated?) New Year!

Ashton hadn’t stepped into the store since he came looking for Calum last time. That had been more than a month ago. He was looking for Calum right now as well, but things had changed considerably. Was Calum still pretty much the only thing on his mind? Yes. But now things had improved. He had Calum’s hugs, and kisses, and cuddles. He could talk to him, get a glimpse into his mind; hear him sing, and laugh. Definitely _improved_.

He checked the time on his phone. Calum was supposed to come out of his shift right about now. They were going grocery shopping. The dinner was tonight, and Calum wanted to cook himself. Ashton still wasn’t sure what was on the menu.

Calum had slept over a couple more times that week. With him being busy all day between last week assignments and his work shifts at the store and Ashton working days, the only time they had to meet up was for dinner. It just made sense for him to stay over so they could have extra time together. Ashton definitely didn’t disapprove because waking up and finding Calum in his bed made fluffy and warm feelings explode on his chest and it was a pretty damn good way to start his day.

Things were going pretty well between them, Ashton being more at ease with sharing, but Calum’s imminent departure was tainting their time together. Their silences were longer. Calum stayed late yesterday until he almost lost the bus and got into class with just a few seconds to spare. Perhaps Ashton latching onto him when they woke up had been part of the issue. He knew he was being childish. After all, Skype existed, and Calum would only be gone for like a couple of weeks tops –including the day they’d be officially one month dating, Ashton wasn’t really counting–.

But Calum hadn’t yet bought a ticket back home, and Ashton feared it was because of him. In a way it made him feel extremely warm at the thought of Calum wanting to stay longer for him, and still... Ashton knew he himself was missing his own family, and he would never rob Calum of days with his. Just the way his eyes lit up when he talked about his sister Mali was enough to tell Ashton that Calum valued family almost over everything. That, and his parents’ initials tattooed on his hands.

It was another couple of minutes before he finally saw Calum approaching him with Michael.

“Hey.” Ashton smiled stupidly–like always–, his heart rushing every time he saw Calum like it hadn’t got the memo that Calum was with him already.

“ _‘Hey’_? Really? Not even a kiss? Not even a hug? Running towards each other in slow-mo?” Michael complained, and Calum just about hit him, all the while not even glancing at him and smiling bashfully at Ashton, finishing his walk up to him.

“Hi.” He finally said, his cheeks slightly red.

Ashton could tell Michael was looking between the two of them and rolling his eyes. He didn’t care because Calum took a step closer and engulfed him in a hug.

“He’s been an annoying shit all morning.” Calum whispered in Ashton’s ear, making him laugh and Michael scrunch up his face at not knowing what he had said.

Calum pecked his cheek before breaking the hug and Ashton prayed to God his blush wasn’t noticeable. Another thing he was getting used to –not really– was Michael’s more or less continued teasing. He had been cool for the first week, but from then on, it was like he couldn’t breathe in Ashton’s vicinity without making an obscene allusion or a question about Calum’s kissing abilities.

Calum had taken his hand, squeezing a little, staying close. It made Ashton gaze sideways to him, heartbeat quickening, before turning back to Michael, who was fake-gagging at their joined hands.

“Are you coming with us now, Michael?” Ashton asked. Calum hadn’t mentioned anything about it.

“Nope.” Michael gestured to his chest, still wearing the nametag. “I’m here till 7. I’ll get to your place at about 8, I estimate.”

“Just in time for dinner.” Calum huffed. “You never liked to help out.”

“I wasn’t asked to _help out_. I was invited to _eat_.”

“That’s technically true, Cal.” Ashton smiled. Calum gaped at him with fake offense, but Ashton pecked him, making Calum let out a surprised chuckle. He had learned that Calum usually never denied a kiss, therefore kissing was a good strategy to distract him. Well. Calum probably knew what Ashton was trying –he wasn’t exactly stupid–, but until now he hadn’t called Ashton out on it, so everything was good.

“Should we get going?” Calum asked after the kiss.

“Yes. Yes, you should.” Michael was fake-puking at them, but his eyes sparkled with fondness as he watched Calum sigh and lean a little on Ashton, who brought up his hand and squeezed him close by the waist. “Well, see you guys later. I have to get back to work.”

“Bye, Michael.” Ashton laughed.

Michael waved and turned around, started walking towards the register.

“Bye, Mike.” Calum shot before he was out of reach.

Ashton rubbed his back up and down a couple of times, making Calum sigh before glancing back to him.

“Shall we go? Lots to buy.”

Ashton was kind of lost in his eyes for a moment before shaking himself out of it and nodding. Calum’s eyes were a trap, and if he wasn’t careful Ashton feared he’d die of hunger and thirst before he ever got out.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Calum took his gloves and beanie from his backpack now, and Ashton’s heart melted a little at the cuteness of it all. Overwhelmed by the sudden flood of fuzzy feelings swirling inside his chest, he found Calum’s hand and squeezed a little before starting to walk towards the entrance of the store. Their fingers didn’t completely fit together with both of them wearing gloves, but it was better than nothing.

Ashton had found a spot at the place where he usually left his car, so it wouldn’t take them much time before they got there. And then it was around 20 minutes to the Tesco Calum wanted to go to, and… Yeah. They would have to eat there if they wanted to be able to come back to Ashton’s place in time to cook everything. Which–.

“You know, when you said dinner I pictured ordering something in, perhaps Indian.”

Calum gaped at him, clearly offended by the idea.

“How would _that_ be thanking Luke?”

 _Because we’re paying_ , Ashton’s brain supplied. But Calum shook his head as if the mere thought of hosting with takeout was a disgrace.

“It _needs_ to be home-cooked.”

Ashton laughed a little at his earnest, hiding his face in Calum’s shoulder for a moment.

“I don’t think Luke would care.”

“But I do. We’re cooking.” Calum chuckled.

“Yes, sir.”

Calum shook his head again, but he was smiling. They were one street away from the car, and Ashton tugged on Calum’s hand. The prospect of the heater when they got to it was beginning to look better and better now that he had been out in the cold for some time.

“So, what are we cooking?”

“I was thinking roasted lamb, tatties.”

Ashton almost salivated at the thought. Calum had indeed said he liked cooking. _A lot_. Ashton should have seen this coming. Plus, he had gotten to experience first-hand Calum’s cooking abilities the past week when he had prepared dinner for them on the days he stayed over. Actually, now that he thought about it, maybe Calum cooking tonight wouldn’t be so bad.

“Perhaps we should add some soup as the first course?”

Ashton literally stopped walking.

“First course?”

Calum smiled at him.

“And _dessert_.”

Ashton gaped at him. Calum laughed, lightly, and clutched him by the coat, bringing him closer and pecking his lips. Ashton mindlessly returned the kiss before Calum stepped back.

“You’re insane.” Ashton managed out once he regained his normal breathing.

“Come on, it will be fun.”

“Do you really have to make dessert too?” Ashton couldn’t help the trace of sadness tinting his voice. Calum was leaving soon and not even tasting his cooking was reason enough to lose hours they could spend talking to hours spent on the kitchen. Because they could keep chatting while they did, yeah, but it wasn’t the same.

“Maybe we can buy the dessert.” Calum conceded softly, his thumb stroking Ashton’s knuckles.

“Thank you.”

They reached Ashton’s car quickly after that, both climbing eagerly and Ashton turning the heater on as soon as turned the keys on the ignition. He watched in amusement as Calum took out his gloves with his teeth, keeping them there as he settled both his hands over the heater, a content smile growing when the air started to heat up his fingers.

“You know.” Calum spit his gloves into his lap, making Ashton laugh as he put the engine in reverse, taking the car out. “I still can’t believe you drive a Mini. A _red_ Mini.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Ashton whined.

Calum giggled, wiggling his fingers in front of the vent. He was wearing nail polish today again. Ashton hadn’t noticed at first.

“Nothing. It actually fits you very, very well.”

“I don’t know if I should be offended or not.” Ashton joked, keeping his eyes on the road now, but he knew Calum didn’t mean it that way.

“Just me thinking out loud. It just… If I think about it… yeap. It’s so _you_ any other car wouldn’t be fitting.”

Ashton shook his head, chancing a look back to Calum when he stopped at a streetlight.

“So, what other things do you find fitting? Now I’m curious.” He chuckled, and Calum turned to him, his face completely lit up.

“You really want to know?”

“Do I want to know what’s on your mind?” Ashton asked lightly, starting the car up again and taking a left. He estimated they had about 15 minutes of driving to Bar Hill. “Yes, yes I do.”

“Okay!”

Calum sounded excited now, Ashton heard him fumbling in his seat, turning to look at him. Their eyes crossed paths when he glanced to his left, and he smiled at Calum’s eagerness, even if he was thinking how dangerous it was for Calum to be sitting like that.

“So?”

“Your kitchen. You don’t have a coffee machine, you prefer Moka pot coffee.” Calum started, Ashton opened his mouth to protest –he did like a coffee machine’s coffee better, at least the ones in actu–, “At least at home. You prefer the coffee they serve on Jamaica Blue best. And that’s just convenient, because I can always grab you one when I come out of work.”

“Okay.” They were entering the motorway now. “But how does that _fit_ me?”

“Coffee just seems like you.” _Well, he wasn’t wrong._ “You’re not that much of a tea drinker. And… Jamaica Blue is self-explanatory. It just fits that your favourite coffee place is Aussie. Like you.”

Ashton started laughing, he had never thought about that. He had tried many different coffee shops around town with Luke, and he had always gravitated back to the same one. He should have known.

“What else?”

“Your job. It fits you. You care _so much_ about people you don’t even know. That first day when you came running…” Calum trailed off, sighing. Ashton couldn’t keep his eyes off the road now, but his hand dropped from the gear stick to what he estimated was Calum’s lap searching for his hand. He immediately felt the younger boy interlacing their fingers. “The stories you’ve told me, the things you do every day. Being a nurse just _fits_ you.”

“You think so?” Ashton asked with a low voice. He had never actually thought about his job like that. When he was younger, he knew whatever he did with his life he would like to help people. Nursing had allowed him that.

“Aye. Everything about you _makes sense_ when you think about it. Like a beautiful complex equation, only I’m not seeking to solve it, for it probably cannot be solved. It’s not mathematics. It’s just you, and that equation can‘t be solved, just understood. I’m just seeking to understand its reason of being. And the more time I spend with you, the more I understand _,_ the more everything about you comes together. Things just _fit._ That’s the most beautiful thing about being with you. I get to _understand._ ”

Ashton squeezed the wheel with his right hand, choked up. He really didn’t know how to respond to that. Calum had left him speechless. He often did when he talked in depth about anything. Hearing him talk was fascinating. Ashton had encouraged him to talk with him about his upcoming exams, hoping it would help Calum study talking about the different subjects out loud. And it was just… mesmerising. Calum’s passion for what he was studying, and for understanding and wanting to know about the universe could leave anyone breathless. Being the subject of his attention now… Ashton’s heart had melted inside of his chest, tears forming in the corner of his eyes at Calum’s words.

The younger boy was looking out the window to the fields when Ashton chanced a glance at him. He was clearly unaware of the effect his little speech had had over Ashton.

“I think that’s the first time someone’s ever compared me to an equation.” Ashton managed out, coughing a little when his voice broke from the emotion.

Calum turned to look at him, smiling, squeezing his hand.

“I’m glad I was your first.”

Ashton turned his eyes away before he could cause an accident but squeezed Calum’s hand back and stroked his knuckles with his thumb, stealing Calum’s move.

“How was the morning shift? I didn’t ask, I’m sorry.” Ashton changed the subject.

He still wasn't used to the idea of this thing between them becoming so big. But it was. Or at least it was in his part. Three weeks with him and Ashton felt like his life had always had a Calum-shaped hole in it, waiting to be filled. He hadn't thought of Bec as much, and when he did, it was in passing, because something reminded him of her. He smiled now when he remembered her. Maybe feeling happy because of Calum was helping him see the happier memories instead of burying himself in the despair he had fallen into after her passing. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all.

“Morning was slow.” Calum answered after a beat. “Christmas’ shopping doesn’t usually get into full swing until next week, according to Michael. Tomorrow is my last day.”

“How many days do you have?”

“I need to go back in for the 3rd I think. But I won’t really know until Mike’s sorted out January’s schedule.” Calum sighed.

Ashton wanted to ask if he had already gotten his ticket out but staying in the dark for now seemed more appealing. Knowing when he would be deprived of Calum’s company would just put a damper on tonight, and Ashton just really wanted to have fun.

“How did you manage to get a full 8 days free, though?” Calum asked. “I thought newbies would probably have to stay on holidays.”

“First of all, I’m not exactly a newbie, I arrived mid-February.” Ashton laughed. “Plus, I had previously been working two years in Sydney.” Calum raised his hands giggling a little too. Ashton took his hand back from his. They had reached the Bar Hill exit, it would only take a couple of minutes more to the Tesco.

“But to answer your question, a few mates owed me days I had covered for them.”

“Is that a normal thing? Trading shifts?”

Ashton snorted.

“We shouldn’t, but. Everyone does. And I’ve never said no to anyone who asked with a legitimate reason.”

The beginning of the year had been… difficult. Dealing with Bec’s death, the move, a new country, new people, being away from home, from his family… It hadn’t been great. Not great at all. When someone from the unit needed someone to cover a shift Ashton was always the first one to offer himself. His manager had had to meddle one time, because he was taking too many shifts, not giving himself enough time to rest. He didn’t _want_ to have enough time to rest. That was when the nightmares came. So, Ashton had tired himself out in hopes of dreamless nights.

“I…” Ashton started. He had brought the car to a stop on the first spot he found. Calum seemed to realise something was amiss because he hadn’t even spoken during the whole time it took Ashton to park. “Working was a way of not thinking about Bec.” He sighed, eyes trained on the wheel.

He heard Calum unbuckling his seatbelt, sliding over to the edge of his seat. He took Ashton’s hand slowly, reaching with his other to brush away the hair that had fallen over from Ashton’s eyes, staying for a moment too long cupping his face.

Ashton took a deep breath before continuing.

“So, basically, I’ve covered many emergency shifts since I started at the unit. Holidays pay better rates, it wasn’t too hard to convince some mates to trade with me. Especially when I still thought I was going back to Oz for the holidays.”

Calum was silent, making Ashton glance at him. The younger boy had his brow furrowed, thinking hard about something.

“I could stay here. For Christmas. I haven’t gotten my ticket back home yet, and I don’t want you to have to spend it alone.”

And there it was. Ashton’s earlier fears hadn’t been unfounded. Calum _was_ reluctant to buy his ticket. And that couldn’t be.

“No.” Ashton shook his head. One thing was feeling down because the younger boy would be far from him for a few days. Another thing was wanting him to miss out on his family. “We’ve talked about this, Cal. You haven’t gone home since the start of the term back in August. Your family can’t have you away on Christmas.”

“We don’t really celebrate Christmas that much.” Calum hurried to complain. “It’s mainly Hogmanay, I could just go back for it.”

“And stay there only two, three days before you have to come back down for work?” Ashton inquired.

“My parents wouldn’t mind, I’m sure.” Ashton doubted that. He doubted even _Calum_ wouldn’t mind. He had talked excitedly about his plans with Mali. Their yearly tradition of watching Love Actually together. A trek to a nearby lake. There was _no way_ Calum didn’t mind. “Although dad _has_ gotten excited and all. He’s baking cookies.”

“See? You need to go back. I’m sure they miss you loads.” Ashton sighed, took his hand from Calum’s hold. He took the keys off the ignition and got out of the car, pushing his seat forward and taking a couple of cloth bags from the back. Calum eyed him from his seat, only getting up when Ashton put his seat back into position and closed the door. Ashton knew he was kind of being moody and his behaviour probably didn’t _fit_ with what was coming out of his mouth. He couldn’t help it though.

“I could still stay here and celebrate Christmas with you and then go up for Hogmanay straight after?” Calum asked once he closed his own door and stepped around the car to meet Ashton, grabbing his hands like he was missing them already.

“Cal.”

“What?”

“You don’t have to change plans because of me.” Ashton exhaled, shaking his head. Christmas this year would probably suck, anyway. Bec’s death anniversary was getting closer, and him being away and not being able to visit was kind of dragging his mood down. Even if Ashton wanted to lie to himself and say it wasn’t. Even if Calum did make him happy.

The younger boy was silent, but his eyes were guarded now, and Ashton had never seen them quite like this. It looked as if Calum had closed off. Ashton knew that look quite well, he wore it often. Calum was being incredibly pushy with staying, and as wrapped up as Ashton was in his own issues he had never thought it could have another reason behind it. He nudged Calum’s shoulder with his nose, making him look back into his eyes.

“Unless…” Calum’s eyes closed infinitesimally. “Is there another reason you don’t want to go home?” _Another reason you’re not telling me?_

Calum looked away way too quickly for that question having any other answer than ‘yes’. But he swiftly masked it off, shaking his head.

“I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone.” He answered softly.

Ashton noticed how Calum hadn’t actually answered his question, but he let it slide. For now. Calum clearly didn’t want to talk about whatever it was.

“Luke invited me for dinner at his parent’s.”

“And you’re going?” Calum arched an eyebrow, a slight smirk growing on his lips. He knew Ashton too well despite the little time they had been dating.

“Don’t think so.” Ashton laughed. “I’ll probably call home again and then watch TV for a while.”

He would stay up late Christmas Eve to call home just as Harry and Laur opened presents and then go to sleep, which meant sleeping in (for the first time in weeks) and then just generally being lazy all day. It didn’t sound like a bad plan to him.

“I should stay.” Calum said quietly, looking at their feet.

“Cal.”

It was only one word, but Ashton knew by Calum’s little nod that he understood. Ashton brought him closer by the hand, hugging him once he was within reach.

He felt Calum nuzzling his neck. It was rather cold out, especially in the middle of the parking lot, where there were no buildings to close off the wind.

“I’ll still miss you.” Calum whispered.

“I’ll miss you too.”

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Calum tightening his hold before stepping away and smiling, face masked behind it. His eyes were kind of sad.

“We should go now, or I won’t have enough time to roast the lamb.”

Ashton shook his head, laughing.

“No dessert.”

“No dessert.” Calum nodded before dragging him off to the supermarket.

***

“Dance with me?”

Calum was making come-here-signs at him from across the room, where he had moved the puffs away to clear a little space on the floor.

“Luke’s about to arrive. Michael too.” Ashton answered from behind the sofa, carrying two glasses of wine.

“Please?” Calum pouted. Ashton felt his resolve crumbling.

“What would we even dance to?” He shook his head as he set the glasses on the table, stepping around the sofa to meet Calum.

“Frank Sinatra, of course.”

“Of course.” He snorted, reaching Calum, the younger boy taking one of his hands and scrolling down a playlist on Spotify on his phone with the other. He settled on an old recording of _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas_ , connecting his account to the TV and leaving the phone on the coffee table. When he turned to Ashton his eyes were soft.

“Come on, humour me.”

Calum tugged him closer by the hand and placed both of his in the small of Ashton’s back, leaning slowly and leaving a feathery kiss on Ashton’s lips. Ashton definitely wasn’t swooning. At all.

“Ah-hum. I’m doing it because I want to. Not because of the kiss.”

“Keep telling yourself what you need to.” Calum giggled softly.

He started rocking them back and forth gently, his hands incredibly warm on Ashton’s back. Ashton stepped closer and hooked his chin over Calum’s shoulder, not caring that much about the dancing, just wanting Calum near.

“This is nice.” He mumbled.

Calum chuckled, stroking his back, still swaying them to the rhythm of the song.

“It is.”

Ashton had always loved Frank Sinatra, but he certainly hadn’t ever pictured himself slow-dancing to his songs. He kind of loved it. He kind of loved it was with Calum, too.

They had just finished preparing the soup and setting the dinner table when Luke had told them he was on his way from home. The roast was still in the oven, calculated with perfection by Calum for it to be ready just as they finished the first dish. It was all kind of grown up and fancy, but when he told Calum that, the younger lad had started cackling like a madman. Apparently he thought having a two course dinner plus starters and wine and dessert was normal for a bunch of guys in their early twenties. Completely normal.

Calum was quietly humming along to the song, his breath hitting Ashton’s neck where he had pressed his lips. It made Ashton’s insides turn to mush, kinda.

“ _Through the years, we all will be together.”_ He quietly sang to Ashton’s ear, making every single hair stand on his neck and arms, goose bumps erupting all over. “ _If the fates allow.”_

Ashton wasn’t sure how he was still breathing. He knew Calum was just singing along to the song but; he had chosen to sing those lines specifically, and… They had only known each other for little over a month, been dating less. Ashton very much shared the feeling of wanting to keep close together with Calum for as long as he could, but… Was it too soon? It was too soon. Even if Calum had started to make him feel like no one had before in such a short time. Even when they were taking things slow. Well, Ashton didn’t know who he was kidding, his heart wasn’t taking anything slowly. He didn’t know how to stop it. He liked Calum more and more each day passing, with every little thing he learnt about him. Ashton liked how dedicated he was to his studies. He liked his relentless nature. He liked him in the mornings, sleep in his eyes, but smile growing on his lips gradually when he looked at him. Ashton liked everything about him. Too much. And it still was awfully soon. Ashton squeezed his hold on Calum nonetheless, pressing a light kiss on his jaw and resting his chin again on his shoulder. He was over-thinking things. He tended to do it. And it never was good, for anything.

Calum had kept humming along to the song, not really singing aloud any other part, and Ashton was beginning to think it had been pretty much intentional. But Calum hadn’t said anything else, so Ashton stayed quiet, rocking back and forth following him even when the songs changed and Sinatra’s voice came through the speakers softly singing _Silent Night_. Luke had to be about to ring the bell, Michael probably too. A quick glance to the clock on the wall told him it was nearing 8 o’clock. He left another kiss on Calum’s neck and leaned back a little, not breaking the hold.

“Maybe we should put out the starters. It’s almost 8.”

“One more song.” Calum sighed. And he looked so sweet there, his eyes faintly shining, that Ashton couldn’t do anything else but nod, his hands travelling upwards and hooking themselves around Calum’s neck.

“Can I get a kiss, then?”

Calum nodded, but he didn’t lean in, as Ashton expected. Instead, he waited for him. He was smirking kind of cheekily at him, and Ashton just wanted to wipe it out of his face, so he closed the distance himself.

Kissing Calum had become one of his favourite ways to pass time. His lips were just so soft, so addictive. Or maybe it was the sensation Ashton chased after. Every single time it felt like electricity sparked up from where they touched, travelling all the way to the points of his fingers and toes. Perhaps it was the breathlessness. Though that wasn’t quite logical. Calum’s kisses left him breathless, but he chased for more as if they were the oxygen they themselves had taken away from Ashton’s lungs.

This time was no different. Their lips touched and Ashton melted against Calum, sighing through the kiss, turning into a gooey mess on his arms. Calum responded by licking into his lips, searching entrance. It was dizzying how much he enjoyed this with Calum. His tongue came out, licking Calum’s, and Ashton knew he had taken the other boy by surprise because he let out a small moan, clutching Ashton closer, pressing their fronts together.

They both knew they weren’t going to get much further, not with their friends arriving any minute and their talk last week, but still. Ashton could enjoy a bit of fun while they waited, right? His hand gripped Calum’s hair, pulling, and that got him a second moan from Calum’s lips. His moans were like nectar for Ashton, always craving more.

He had learnt some things in the weeks they had been dating. Calum liked hair-pulling. Calum liked being teased a little. Calum liked soft kisses, sweet pecks, and full-blown make outs. But he _loved_ Ashton pushing him against a wall or the couch or any hard surface available. He became boneless and needy, desperately chasing Ashton’s lips, not leaving him even a second to breathe. Ashton, to be honest, loved it too. Having a breathless Calum pressed between him and the wall was the best kind of heaven. Ashton loved it even more when Calum was beneath him, squirming and letting little whines out, hot and bothered. The days he had stayed over Calum had sprung out from underneath him twice when he started to get hard, locked himself in the bathroom until it passed. Ashton had taken a long walk in the cold after their last make-out session two days ago. He felt kind of stupid for telling Calum he wasn’t ready, when most of the times he probably wouldn’t have even cared if they kept going, if they actually did something –anything– together. But there always was that little voice in his head speaking tales of the past, and that usually killed the mood for him.

But right now, the voice wasn’t there and they couldn’t really do anything more than snogging for a while, so Ashton started walking forwards, kicking the puffs away before Calum tripped. Calum seemed to have caught on to his plan because he tugged him back quicker. However just as Ashton was about to push him against the wall, Calum grabbed his hips and turned them over, pinning _him_ to the wall. Ashton let out an embarrassing moan when he felt Calum pressing them close together, breaking the kiss for a moment to breathe, smirking at him.

“You’re not the only one with tricks up his sleeve.”

His smile turned feral before he dived in for Ashton’s neck. And that right there was where Ashton died. Neck kisses were his doom. And Calum was expertly making his legs turn to jelly, making his groan and sigh. Ashton was thankful he was against the wall and Calum was holding his weight because he was sure otherwise he would have fallen so fast to the floor.

Ashton wasn’t even aware of the sounds he was letting out now. Calum had slot his thigh between his, and Ashton was seeing stars. He had a semi, but he was sure if Calum took his kisses just a little higher it would take no time at all for him to be rock hard, Calum was getting dangerously close to his sweet-spot.

It was honestly unbelievable he hadn’t yet discovered it. Ashton turned into a whining mess when someone kissed him there, and he didn’t know if that was really appropriate for right now, but he didn’t care. Ashton tugged the hold he had on Calum’s hair up, the younger boy seeming to understand, grazing his teeth as he moved upwards, close, so close. And then Ashton felt him swipe his tongue over that sweet, sweet-spot, biting softly and then sucking. Ashton was in literal heaven. It felt so, so good. So frigging amazing. Calum was leaving a hickey on him, and Michael and Luke were coming over, but he just didn’t care. It was going to leave a mark, and the thought of looking himself in the mirror and having Calum’s mark on his neck was turning him on so fucking much. What the fuck was he, a teenager? He hadn’t got this worked up over a hickey since before he left high school. Calum sucked harder on the spot, taking it to the point where pain and pleasure blurred kind of together, and Ashton never thought he had a thing for it, or maybe it was just Calum, but… They really needed to stop right now. He was going to embarrass himself if they didn’t.

Thankfully Calum stopped his ministrations, licking over the freshly purple wound before blowing softly over it. Ashton didn’t know how to keep breathing. Calum left a trail of kisses on his neck, stopping at his jawline, before diving in for a kiss to Ashton’s lips, but his movements weren’t as fervent as before. They were soft and sweet. It was such a contrast to their mood just a minute prior and Ashton didn’t know which one was messing more with his head, because right now he was completely dizzy, his chest filled with warmth, tears prickling in the corner of his eyes without his consent at the surge of feelings from Calum’s gentle kiss.

Calum kept kissing him, slow and easy, until they both calmed down again. Ashton’s boner was still pressing against his zipper, but he was a big boy, he should know how to handle a fucking hickey without getting rock hard. So it was his own problem.

“That was more than one song.” Ashton whispered when they finally broke apart.

Calum chuckled.

“Aye, it _was_.”

He had a glint in his eye Ashton would like to get acquainted with, but before he could do anything about it, the bell rang. Calum literally groaned out loud, his head falling to Ashton’s shoulder.

“I really hope it’s Luke because if it’s Michael there’s going to be jokes all through the night.”

“I can open the door.” Ashton offered.

Calum looked up at him and glanced down a couple of times towards Ashton’s pretty much self-evident hard on.

“Nah, you go… Pee? Or something? And I’ll open the door.” Calum grimaced.

“I’m sure Michael wouldn’t be that bad.”

“Hide that hickey well or you will know just how bad he _can_ be.” Calum spit quickly. He sighed and pecked Ashton, leaving him dumbfounded as he ran towards the stairs and down. Ashton hurried to the bathroom. He didn’t know how the fuck to hide the hickey. He could always fish a turtleneck from his bedroom, but that would be just like hanging a giant neon sign with the word ‘hickey’ and an arrow towards Ashton’s neck. It wasn’t like he wore them often. That was Calum.

If he wasn’t trapped in the loo, he could have darted out to the freezer and gotten something to make the redness fade, but he _was_ in the bathroom and he got nothing. He just prayed whoever Calum was coming up with was Luke, so he would only get raised eyebrows and nothing else as he trudged his way to the kitchen.

“He’s taking a leak, he’ll be right out, Luke.” He heard Calum as they reached the living room dash dining room dash study. Maybe Ashton should be looking into bigger places.

Just to keep up with Calum’s words, he flushed the toilet, opening the faucet with cold water –he hoped the freezing water in his pipes was enough to make the hickey go down a bit– and pressed a wet towel against his neck, looking himself in the mirror. Which. Serious mistake. His boner had gone almost all the way down, but the reflection of the mirror made his dick twitch. There was no way he would be able to hide that fucking hickey. It was huge. Did Calum even look at it before he dashed away? He could already see Michael’s jests coming his way. He stopped the tap and dried his hands, sighing. At least Luke wouldn’t dare say anything lewd. He wasn’t drunk yet.

“Hey, Luke!” He said cheerfully, when he stepped out of the bathroom. Maybe a tad too cheerfully, if Calum’s face behind Luke was to be believed.

“Hey, man.” Luke’s amused face was worse than Ashton had imagined. “How was the _leak_?”

“Shut up.” Ashton could tell he was blushing. Calum behind Luke was beginning to laugh nervously, but his cheeks were tinted red too, and his eyes were trained on Ashton’s neck, his mouth hanging open. Ashton was right, Calum hadn’t seen his work before going down to open the door for Luke.

“Something smells delicious.” Luke said, turning to Calum, who just beamed up.

“Why do you assume it’s him who cooked?” Ashton complained, walking the rest of the way to Calum and hooking his arm in his.

“I’ve tasted your cooking.” Luke laughed. “It’s not bad, but this smells heavenly.”

“Thanks.” Calum smiled back to Luke, and now the awkwardness started. Now what.

“Do you need help with anything while we wait?” Luke offered, but Calum waved his hand, tugging on Ashton’s hand and walking to the kitchen.

“You’re a guest. Ashton will help.”

“Ashton has been helping all afternoon. It’s not just now.” He mumbled to himself. He knew Luke would joke around with this information afterwards.

They served Luke a glass of wine when he came back from hanging his jacket in Ashton’s wardrobe– _‘Just a bit to taste it, I have to drive back.’_ – and they got to work on the starters. Calum had gone overboard with this whole, fancy dinner thing. Ashton doubted even four grown men could actually eat everything that was in the various plates hanging around his tiny kitchen. Calum had agreed not to cook the dessert, but he had more than made up for it with the starters. They had Camembert pie sharing the oven with the lamb, faux grass to spread on little toasties, homemade hummus and guac to dip in, various cheeses, the salad. Not to speak of the pumpkin and carrot soup and the lamb and potatoes, which, Luke was right, it smelled heavenly. Ashton doubted he had ever even paid for a meal this big in a restaurant. Calum was insane. But also a very good cook.

“We won’t be able to finish even half of this, you know that, right?” Ashton laughed, hugging Calum from behind as he finished plating the toasts. He hooked his chin over Calum’s shoulder to watch him work.

“I was counting on it.” Calum whispered. “That way you and I can have a second dinner, just the two of us. Tomorrow. I want you all to myself for a night.”

Ashton’s heart really should have started to get used to these unexpected comments from Calum, and yet it still beat like crazy after every single one of them. His lips found Calum’s neck, leaving a gentle kiss on it.

That’s when the doorbell rang for a second time. Ashton sighed, but it was difficult to move away from Calum.

“I’ll get that.” Luke coughed, awkwardly, springing up from the sofa. He had been suspiciously quiet before that. Ashton felt bad that he hadn’t even sat with him and asked him about the unit. He had kind of being wrapped up in Calum, always was.

Calum placed the last toastie on the platter and turned around to face Ashton.

“You ready?”

“You left a huge hickey on me. Tonight’s going to be hell.” Ashton whined just in time to hear Luke open the door and–

“I brought booze!”

“Ashton, there’s a strange man at the door!”

“That’s Mike!” Calum shouted from the kitchen as he hid his face on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I’m beginning to doubt this was a good idea.” He mumbled making Ashton laugh.

“I’m sure it will be fun. You said so. Food’s delicious. We have wine. And Mikey’s booze in case we need alcohol to smooth things over.” They couldn’t both of them think the worst of this evening. It would end in disaster if they did. So Ashton picked up the positivity trend. He’d manage with Michael’s brashness.

“Mikey’s difficult around new people.” Calum whispered. Luke and Michael were talking downstairs.

“I’m sure Luke will deal.”

They heard Luke snickering and that simply couldn’t be good. Michael boisterous laugh came up the stairs and yeah, not good at all.

“Hood, you _dog_! Can’t even keep it in your pants with guests coming over!”

So, trying to hide the hickey was useless now.

“Luke may deal, I don’t know if _we_ will.” Calum kissed him quickly before breaking away from Ashton’s arms and stepping outside the kitchen just in time as Michael reached the top of the stairs. Ashton walked behind Calum to find Michael proudly carrying a bottle of vodka and a black box in his other hand.

“Wait, is that Cards Against Humanity?” He asked excitedly. Oh fuck, it had been _years_ since he last played. He had still been at uni.

“Yeap, it is. I brought it for after.”

“Cool!”

Calum sent him a dirty look, but Ashton was honestly excited. That game was absolutely horrendous and so, so funny. And kind of the best –worst– way of getting to know someone.

“I guess you already introduced each other and all but, Michael, Luke, Luke, Michael.” Calum said to them.

“We already did that.” Michael waved his hand. “Here–” He handed Calum the bottle of vodka, starting to peel off layers, “–put it in the freezer. Maybe when it‘s cold it can tone down the hickey you left on your boyfriend, it looks fresh.”

Ashton closed his eyes, blood rushing to his cheeks, but thankfully that seemed to be everything Michael was going to say about the hickey.

“Give me your jacket, I’ll hang it in my room so it doesn’t get wrinkled.”

Ashton stepped around Calum to grab the jacket from Michael’s hands, making a quick escape to his room. As he was walking past Calum, he saw him standing there with the vodka still in his hands, unsure of what to do. Well, Michael was his friend, he should know what to do.

He hung the coat quickly, making a space for it between his black coat and Calum’s leather jacket. Having some of Calum’s things in his wardrobe made his heart flutter around in his chest.

The second night he had stayed over he brought clothes for the next day, leaving the others at Ashton’s insistence to just throw in the wash. They had stayed at Ashton’s for Calum to have a change of clothes here. The third night he had slept over he had brought some underwear and pyjamas.

They could tread around the relationship all they wanted, but those kinds of things didn’t scream _slow_. Ashton was surprised at how much he didn’t mind. It made something spark to life inside of him, something warm and golden flowing from his heart to every part of his body. It was something that had the potential to grow and shine. Ashton wondered if it would be fulfilled.

Sighing, he closed the door to the wardrobe and walked outside again. Both Michael and Luke had taken seats at the couch and Calum was back in the kitchen, running around. The other guys seemed to be having an easy conversation, glasses of wine in their hands –Calum must have put them there–, so Ashton opted to walk around the couch and go help Calum, who clearly was stressing out a bit.

“Reporting for duty.”

Calum sent him a _look_ as he grabbed the oven gloves, opening it and taking out the Camembert pie, closing the door quickly with his feet as he left the tray on top of the left part of the stove. On the right he was heating up the soup.

“Seriously, how can I help?” Ashton repeated.

“Take the platters out and set them on the table, please.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

Calum scratched his chin as he continued stirring the soup.

“Can you keep an eye on Michael? I haven’t tasted the wine yet.”

Ashton broke out laughing. Calum furrowed his eyebrows.

“I’m serious, I have a _right_ to a glass of th–”

Ashton silenced him with a peck, staying a bit longer than necessary before stepping back and chuckling softly.

“I’ll bring back the bottle here, don’t worry babe.”

“Thanks.” Calum mumbled, his cheeks red, turning back to tend to the soup.

Ashton shook his head and took the guac and hummus bowls and walked over to the table, setting them in the centre. He made a couple more trips for the remaining stuff before making a detour to the coffee table for the bottle of wine.

Luke and Michael were talking about weirdest sex-related admissions on the ED. Ashton didn’t know why people from outside the unit found those so fucking funny, but Michael was snorting at Luke’s stories.

He took the bottle back, Calum greeting him with an exaggerated grin.

“Thanks. Where did we put the gherkins? We need some for the cheese.”

Ashton didn’t bat an eyelid at the weird combo. Well, weird for him.

“Cupboard, I can put them in a bowl.”

“Please.” Calum said as he turned off the stove. “I’m serving the soup now, I’ll tell them to take a seat as I carry it out.”

“Perfect.”

Calum made a face but set to work. Ashton opened the cupboard in search of the jar as Calum served the soup and carried it out. He had shut the extractor fan off, and now Ashton was able to hear Michael and Luke’s conversation.

“So that’s how the guy had to go to surgery. I swear people are stupid sometimes.” Luke was saying.

“I mean, a glass bottle up the ass isn’t very smart, no.” Michael snickered. “Why people don’t buy dildos, I’d never understand.”

Ashton didn’t understand either. And that guy at the ED hadn’t been young, like, it wasn’t for the lack of access to sex toys. He just was dumb.

He shook his head as he tried to open the jar. It was tight and his grip on the lid kept sliding.

“You need help?”

Calum appeared to his right, back from carrying all the bowls outside.

“It won’t open.” Ashton complained, handing him the jar. He watched as Calum tried opening it, having the same results as him. This was the time that Ashton really hated himself for not having bought the cute jar opener he saw on his last trip to Ikea.

Calum took one of the dishcloths and tried again as they heard Michael and Luke getting up from the couch.

“Are those…?” Michael trailed off.

Ashton glanced at them, Michael pointing something red on Luke’s forearm.

“I have a cat.”

Lucifurr really was becoming a nightmare for Luke. Every time they had the same shift and Luke arrived with new scratches all over his arms, Ashton had the gracious job to clean and patch the biggest ones up. He just didn’t understand why Luke wouldn’t get him to the vet to trim his claws.

“Oh. Cool.” Michael laughed a little, his eyes crossing with Ashton’s and malice sparkling in them. “You know, Luke, I thought you–” Ashton felt Calum leaving the jar on the counter and dashing towards Michael, “–would be like my friend here, Ca–”

“Heeeeey, Luke.” Calum cut in, his hand over Michael’s mouth. “Why don’t you go help Ashton in the kitchen?”

His cheeks were suspiciously red, and Ashton squinted at him. Michael was wiggling his eyebrows in his direction. Ashton felt like he had missed something.

“I don’t need help.”

Calum rolled his eyes at him, slowly breaking his hold on Michael.

“Don’t be a baby, you can’t open that, and I couldn’t either. Mikey’s a wuss–” Michael let out a disgruntled ‘hey!’ but he didn’t do anything to deny it, “– so the only option left is Luke.”

Luke shrugged and walked up to Ashton, who had taken the jar back and was trying to open it. He wasn’t going to be defeated by a fucking jar.

“Soup’s getting cold, Ash. Let Luke open the jar.” Calum stated from where he was still holding onto Michael, just not his mouth.

Luke was making grabby hands towards it, and one more look from Calum was enough for Ashton to hand over the jar, pouting.

“If you open it, have in mind I loosened it up for you.”

“Yeah, okay.” Luke smirked, opening it up in the first try.

Calum was whispering something and Michael, clearly angry, and Ashton once again felt like he had missed something during the earlier exchange. He took a deep breath, and walked away towards the kitchen, grabbing the jar on his way and throwing about half of it on the bowl he had already prepared beforehand. Luke took a look at him and scurried back to the table where he sat next to a now suspiciously quiet Michael.

Ashton took the bowl with him and sat down next to Calum. Their plan had been sitting next to their respective friends but, Ashton didn’t mind the change of course if he was honest. Especially when Calum brought his left hand down and took his right, bringing it up and leaving a light kiss on his knuckles. At least now Ashton knew his hissing didn’t have anything to do with him, just Michael.

“So, let’s dig in!” Calum prompted. “Hope I didn’t use sugar instead of salt.”

***

“To good friends, old and new.” Ashton raised his glass with his left hand, right hand holding Calum’s. They had already moved on to dessert, fruit and some ice-cream.

“Is that what you kids are calling it these days?” Michael snickered. “Good friends?”

Luke snorted, choke on his own spit and started coughing like crazy. Michael clapped him on the back. Ashton felt himself blush while Calum rolled his eyes to his right, clinking his glass with everyone else’s anyway.

Dinner had been awkward for like, the first fifteen seconds, then Calum’s cooking had smoothed things over. Well, Calum’s cooking coupled with wine. The two bottles they had bought had kind of gone away too quickly. Ashton had prompted the toast before all wine had been consumed. Toasting with water was just bad luck.

“And to Calum for such a wonderful meal!” Luke added for them to clink glasses again while Calum blushed a tenfold. Ashton wanted to eat him whole with kisses.

“Hear, hear!” Michael chorused.

Things between him and Calum had gone back to normal after their miniscule spat. Ashton was beginning to think he had even imagined it all. They had moved on to laughing like children at Michael’s retelling of his first kiss, completely accidental and with his dog. Luke had tears from laughter in his eyes, heaving backward and forth and hitting the table. Ashton was shaking his head at the three of them, but he too was chuckling. He was having quite some fun. Michael was hilarious when he wasn’t pulling anyone’s leg or out to embarrass anyone. Even Luke had hit it off with him, both giggling over pictures of Lucifurr and agreeing to meet up so Michael could play with the kitten. It was nice.

What was _also_ nice, was Calum’s smile every time Ashton and Michael discovered one more thing they got in common. His eyes were going back and forth between both of them, soft smile grazing his features as he watched them talk excitedly about Doctor Who or Black Mirror. Ashton was happy he and Michael got along, it clearly was super important for Calum. Calum’s left hand had stayed over his thigh for most of the dinner, tracing random patterns up and down. Normally it would have driven Ashton mad with want, but right now it only made him feel incredibly warm inside.

“Should we clear up and move to the couch?” Calum suggested, leaving his glass on the table again.

“We’ll clear up.” Ashton answered, turning to him, “You stay here, babe. You were cooking the whole afternoon.”

Both Luke and Michael nodded, Calum whining in protest, so Ashton leaned in and kissed him silent.

“But they’re guests.” Calum whispered to him when they parted.

“ _And they’re not useless._ ” Michael snickered as he got up, and started gathering plates, Luke silently laughing and following his lead.

“Stay.” Ashton pecked him one last time, feeling Calum’s pout and smiling at him through the kiss.

“I’m not a dog.”

“I know.”

Ashton gathered his and Calum’s plates and got up carry them to the kitchen. Between the three of them everything was cleared out quickly, Ashton asking them all if they wanted coffee or something. Luke said yes and stayed propped up on the counter as Ashton prepared the coffee-pot.

“Calum seems nice.” He started tentatively, voice low so it wouldn’t carry out to the table where Michael and Calum were joking around.

Ashton laughed and shook his head, he should’ve seen this coming.

“You already said that last time you met him.”

“Yes, but I hadn’t seen you two together.”

Ashton walked backwards until his lower back hit the sink, resting there and crossing his arms. From here he could see Michael and Calum talking, but it was low now and he couldn’t hear what they were saying. Calum was smiling softly, though, a light blush dusting his cheeks.

“You look happy, Ash.” Luke said, and something in his voice made Ashton break out of his reverie, turning his head back towards Luke.

The blonde boy was smiling at him.

“You really do look happy. I never thought I’d see you smile like that, you know?” Luke sighed, swinging his feet where they hang at the edge of the counter, looking down.

“Smile like what?” Ashton raised his eyebrow, slight laughter slipping into his words.

“Like a real smile. Like you’re not broken.” Luke answered, still looking down.

Ashton coughed, eyes welling up. He had never told Luke anything, and he knew the younger boy knew _something_ had happened and yet he had never pried on it. He was just _there_ for Ashton.

“I know we’ve never actually talked about it, Ash. But we both knew I knew you were hurting. I just thought you didn’t want to talk about it with _me_.” Luke ended, lightening up the tone like it was a joke, but Ashton still felt the hurt in Luke’s voice.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you.” He muttered.

There had been some nights, when Luke had slept over. It was late, and everything was quiet but both of them knew they were still awake lying between pillows and blankets on the floor. There were nights Ashton had had the story in the tip of his tongue, begging to come out. But it had just been too fresh, it had hurt too much just thinking about it. _Talking_ about Bec would have hurt worse. It had nothing to do with Luke. Ashton just couldn’t _talk_ about it.

“I’m not holding anything over you.” Luke looked up, soft smile on his face. “I’m glad you found someone you _could_ tell.” Ashton sent him a sad smile, and Luke laughed quietly, shaking his head a little. “He _does_ know, right?”

Ashton nodded.

“Not all of it, though.” Ashton sighed, rubbing his face. When he looked up his eyes crossed with Calum’s in the living room, the younger boy smiling softly at him. Ashton returned the smile and got up from the counter, walking over to Luke and away from Calum’s view. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t tell him the details. It just…”

“Was that the day I sent him over?”

“Yes. I just told him enough so he would know not to get involved with me. I’m not…–” Ashton breathed in deep, his eyes travelling the kitchen trying not to spill any tears. “He should’ve stayed away. I’m not okay. I still have… issues.”

“But he stayed, obviously. And you look happy, Ash. Both of you do.” Luke whispered back, hopping down from the counter and copying Ashton’s posture.

“I just feel we’re like a ticking time-bomb. Something’s going to happen and then he’s going to go away. And I don’t want to get so involved that I don’t come out alive at the other end. I can’t… I can’t go through something like that.” Ashton finished, out of breath from spilling everything so quickly, the fears he had been keeping in for the past week. Calum didn’t seem like he was going anywhere, and that sometimes scared the crap out of Ashton.

“You also can’t live worrying about what _may_ happen in the future when right now you _do_ have a boyfriend that honestly seems besotted with you.” Luke grabbed his shoulder, shaking him a little. “Ash, don’t over-think this, okay? Calum makes you happy, pursue that.”

Ashton nodded, but now his mood had kind of gone down. What happened to Bec… There was no way anyone could have prevented that. It was terrible, but it was what had happened. But Luke was right, he couldn’t think it would also happen to Calum, he would drive himself mad.

“I feel like I owe you the story, too.” Ashton huffed sadly.

At that Luke shook his shoulder again, making Ashton look up.

“You don’t _owe_ anyone anything, okay?”

Ashton was trying to answer, but he was choked up, and the coffee had started to come out too, so he turned away from Luke, bringing a hand up to clear some tears from the corner of his eyes as he turned off the stove. If he just had a moment he could gather himself, it wasn’t like the need to cry felt overwhelming. It just… Ashton didn’t know what he had done right to have found Luke just as he got here. The younger boy had been a great pillar throughout the first months and onwards, always there to cheer him up even if he didn’t know why Ashton needed cheering up. He was a good mate and maybe Ashton shouldn’t have drunk two glasses of wine because now he was an emotional mess and they still had a dinner party going on.

“Do you need help, Ash? Luke said…”

Ashton blinked quickly, willing the few tears left away before turning to look at Calum, standing in the archway to the kitchen, wary. Luke was probably back in the living room.

“Are you okay?”

Calum finished walking towards him, hugging him close without even waiting for an answer. Ashton brought his own arms up, hugging him back and hiding his face on Calum’s neck, breathing in deep. He smelt good, he always did. A hint of cologne and something that was undeniably _Calum_. It calmed Ashton a bit.

“Yeah. Luke just said something and made me cry.” He laughed, tightening his hold on Calum because he knew his boyfriend would want to go back to the living room and ask Luke what this all was about. “Don’t worry, he was just pointing something out and I am an emotional mess already, so it’s not his fault.”

“Okay.” Calum giggled, stroking his back. He made to break the hug, but Ashton tightened it.

“Just a few more seconds.”

“Okay.”

Ashton smiled when he felt Calum leaving a kiss on his hair. Times like this Ashton loved that Calum was a little bit taller than him. It was very convenient and left his collarbone at the perfect height for Ashton to rest his head.

He cleared his throat and broke the hug, turning back to the coffeepot, and started serving it in the cups Luke had prepared beforehand.

“You sure you’re okay?” Calum asked carefully, combing back some locks that had fallen to Ashton’s face.

“Promise.” Ashton smiled. “Let’s go play some cards.”

Calum smiled back, even if he seemed unconvinced, and took two of the cups with him, walking around the sofa and placing them on the coffee table. Ashton followed him silently, sitting down next to him on the sofa, taking in Michael and Luke sitting in front of them in the two puffs. Calum eagerly cuddled against him, and even when Ashton caught Michael gagging at them, he didn’t care. Calum was leaving probably soon and if he wanted to cuddle, they would cuddle.

“So… Is it that time of the night where I can finally say embarrassing things about Calum when he was little?”

“Michael!” Calum whined, hiding his face in Ashton’s chest as if he knew it was unavoidable.

“What kind of embarrassing stuff?” Ashton piped in, amused. Calum hit him lightly, a warning, but honestly Ashton was intrigued.

“Let’s see.” Michael started, messing his chin while he did some weird faces, thinking way too hard about what to say. Luke looked a little out of place, but his eyes crossed paths with Ashton’s and something about the glint in them told Ashton _he_ was next, and he was going to regret having asked Michael about Calum. Why have enemies when you could have best friends whose goal in life was embarrassing you in front of your new boyfriend.

“Okay.” Michael decided, taking a sip off his coffee and looking at Calum. “Did you tell him about the school trip to Edinburgh and the way you tripped down the stairs of the museum into an exhibition and almost ruined it?”

“He what?”

Luke was stifling his laugh behind his hands, and Ashton was trying not to follow his steps but.

“No, of course I didn’t tell him _that_.” Calum grumbled.

“Oh god, you mentioned you were clumsy, but, how do you fall off the stairs?” Ashton giggled, turning to him.

“My laces weren’t tied, I tripped.” He mumbled. “And, that traitor over there–” he pointed to Michael, laughing his ass off, “–pushed me instead of stabilising me.”

“That’s not true. You have no way of knowing that!” Michael complained, and if Ashton knew the blue-haired guy just a bit, he knew Calum was probably telling the truth.

“What happened exactly?” Luke pipped in.

“What happened is I got told off in front of the whole class, by not only our head teacher, but the Museum Manager too. I crashed into a dinosaur.” Calum huffed. “Plus, I got a bloody sprained ankle.”

“I’m sorry, babe.” Ashton chuckled, making Calum turn his head when he tried to kiss him.

“You’re sorry now, but you asked.” Calum pouted. And then got up a little, looking straight at Luke. “You. Tell me something ‘bout Ash.”

“What something?”

“Something embarrassing, he must have _some_ story.” Calum said eagerly, bouncing in the couch.

Luke looked between him and Calum a couple of times, probably asking Ashton if it was alright with him, but Ashton didn’t know what he was going to say, so giving his okay meant absolutely nothing. He still nodded, figuring he’d say something about the times he had had a weirdo come into the ED or something.

“I don’t recall anything embarrassing per se, but I can tell you about what a horrible nightmare he was when he met you?” Luke offered, and Ashton just about killed Luke. Even awkward dates would have been a better choice. Forget how emotional he had been feeling before about their friendship, Luke was evil, and Ashton was sure Luke would just twist the story to make him look like a moron.

“Describe horrible nightmare, because I think they might be perfect for each other.” Michael cut in before Calum could answer. “I’ve never heard Calum sigh that much in such a short amount of time.”

“Hey!” Calum complained. Then added in a whisper, “I wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“Well, Ashton spent the 30-minute ride back from the shopping centre gushing about here Calum’s hands.”

“Hands?” Calum snorted, turning to Ashton, who had quickly turned the deepest shade of red.

“You a hand fetishist, Ashton?” Michael snickered.

“Nope, he a _tattoo_ fetishist.” Luke concluded, making Michael roar with laughter and Ashton closed his eyes, slumped against the couch, trying to become one with it.

“You spent the whole ride here talking about my hand tattoos?” Calum asked, a teasing tilt to his voice. Ashton didn’t want to open up his eyes.

“He thinks your hands are hot!” Luke piped in, cackling like a madman.

“Hey, this is _fun._ ” Michael smirked right when Ashton finally opened his eyes. Then turned to Luke. “You know, Calum spent weeks looking to the entrance of the store every time he had a shift after Ashton came looking for him. He looked like a lost puppy waiting for someone to collect him.”

“Oh, my god. Ashton was the same at the ED! He kept waiting for Calum to appear through the doors because of his ankle!” Luke added, both of them brushing away tears of laughter from their eyes. Ashton didn’t find it that funny. Calum to his right didn’t either, judging by his furrowed brow.

Luke and Michael kept sharing comments about them both, making Ashton groan and push his face in Calum’s shoulder.

“They’re mean.”

“We made a mistake. We shouldn’t have put them together in a room.”

Ashton laughed a little, knowing he wasn’t alone in this. Luke had kept saying embarrassing things about those weeks Ashton pined after Calum like a loser, but what had been worst was Calum teasing him about his tattoos.

It wasn’t fair. Calum was already hot on his own without taking into account his tattoos. And Ashton didn’t know why they had such an effect on him, turning him on, but they did. And now Calum _knew_ they did, which was basically worse and probably meant a whole lot of teasing when they were alone again.

They dragged their coffee time, talking and laughing and joking around, the round of cards seemingly forgotten for now. Conversation moved on to general embarrassing stories about all of them, and Ashton sighed in relief. At least now he controlled what was said.

Ashton realised that this was a group he could actually see himself hanging with, a lot. It felt like they knew each other for far more time than what they actually had, and it just felt nice. It felt really fucking nice.

Calum excused himself to go to the loo while Ashton cleared up the cups from the table, Michael taking out the box of cards and starting to explain the game to Luke.

Ever since Luke mentioned Calum’s tattoos, Ashton’s mind hadn’t been able to vanish them from his head. Calum looked frigging good tonight, and that paired with their make-out session before dinner had left Ashton quite antsy. He had been ogling Calum the whole night, but now he had come out of the bathroom with his sweater off, dressed down to a short-sleeved tee, and Ashton’s mouth was drier than the Great Victoria Desert.

Ashton couldn’t believe he had never seen Calum’s arm completely in all the time they had been dating. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t _asked_ about if he had more tattoos. Because now they had _guests_ over and the only thing Ashton wanted was to push Calum into a wall and kiss him until he ran out of breath. Or let Calum push _him_ against a wall. Both choices sounded incredibly good right now. _Oh, he was fucked._

Luke was eyeing him from the puff and laughing his ass off, and Ashton could only imagine how fast his jaw had hit the floor when he saw Calum coming up towards him, tattoos in display. Michael was laughing as well as Calum sat down snuggling back against Ashton’s chest, oblivious.

“What’s so funny?”

“Luke farted.” Michael snickered.

“I swear I didn’t.” Luke rushed, panicky. He was blushing and Ashton wanted to laugh. He mouthed a _thanks_ to Michael, but the blue-haired guy just smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at him, mouthing back _enjoy_ and snorting right afterwards.

“I feel like I’m missing something.” Calum whispered in his ear, the hairs on Ashton’s lower neck standing up real fast when Calum’s warm breath hit them.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” Ashton whispered back, praying that his cheeks hadn’t gotten red. Again.

It was going to be a _long_ night.

***

“I still think Ashton’s answer’s better.” Calum sentenced, writing down points in Ashton’s column. He ignored Michael’s subsequent _‘Coz he sucks your dick’_ , turning to smile at Ashton.

“Thanks, babe.” The older lad pecked him, seemingly unaware of Michael’s comment –or choosing to ignore him–.

“Did my sense of humour change too when I started dating Grace?”

“Shut up, Michael, your card sucked.” Calum sighed, picking up everyone’s cards and placing them on top of the used ones.

“Yes, but Luke’s was hilarious.” Michael complained.

Calum shook his head. Aye, it was incredible that Luke had had _‘the Jews’_ card to answer Calum’s black _‘What’s there a ton in Heaven?’_ one. It still didn’t make it right.

“And offensive.”

“This is Cards Against Humanity, everything is offensive.” Michael chortled.

“It doesn’t amuse me. And I’m the Czar this round.”

There were some things that shouldn’t be laughed about, no matter what. Ashton’s _‘Some god damn peace and quiet’_ was a hundred times better and not offensive.

“Okay, who’s next?”

“I think I am.” Luke piped in, drawing out a black card. “ _‘In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with,_ blank space _, for the first time’_.”

Ashton started giggling to Calum’s right, face red and reaching for his glass on the table. Michael had brought out the vodka and Ashton had eagerly accepted a glass full with no soda saying he didn’t have to work tomorrow, so why not. Luke had politely declined and Calum had shook his head no at Michael’s offer. He had sensed something was off with Ashton and Calum had preferred to have his wits about him for the rest of the night. This was Ashton’s second glass.

“I have a good one this round.” He whispered in Calum’s ear before leaving his card facing down on the table.

Calum selected one of his without paying too much attention, and left in the table, waiting for Michael. He looked to be indecisive between two, setting on one after a minute of making them wait and smirking to himself.

“Okay, let’s see.” Luke started. “In the new, blah blah blah, Hannah Montana struggles with The Blood of Christ for the first time.”

“I didn’t have anything better.” Calum shrugged.

“Kay. Next one, she struggles with–” Luke snorted, showing them the card – ‘Penis breath’ written in bold letters against the white of the card–, unable to talk with how he was plagued by giggles. “Oh my god, is this yours, Ash?”

“Nope, that’s Mike’s.”

“So, yours is… ‘Concealing a boner’” Luke cackled. “Oh god. Do I really have to choose? Both of them are hilarious.”

“Give the point to Ash, he needs it.” Michael snickered, and Ashton moved his hand from where he was holding Calum to raise his middle finger to Michael.

“My turn to be Czar.” Michael gushed excitedly, rubbing his hands. “Okay, black card says, ‘What does Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?’.”

His eyes crossed with Calum’s for a moment and the younger boy shook his head. This wasn’t the moment.

Calum browsed through his cards, and fate was a cruel thing, when the first one in his grip stated ‘A brain tumour’. He breathed in deep and chose the next one, ‘Farting and walking away’, letting it fall to the table, and slouching back into Ashton’s embrace. The older boy looked flushed and his eyes were glossy. He was clearly drunker than Calum had ever seen him, and when he reached for his glass again, Calum took his hand in his, preventing him from reaching it. He remembered all too well how Ashton had looked the first time he came to his flat, whisky bottle empty on the floor.

Luke ended up winning that round with the card ‘Cards Against Humanity’, and honestly Calum was growing tired of playing. He had never been a great fan, but always played for Michael. But right now he was tired, and he just wanted the game to wrap up and guests to go away so he could just go to sleep.

It was Ashton’s turn as Czar, drawing the ‘Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s ____ and___!’ card, and Michael didn’t even let them think before he started roaring with laughter.

“Okay, I just fucking won this round!”

“We haven’t even showed our cards yet.” Luke complained.

“I don’t care. This shit is the best thing that’s going to come out of this game tonight.” Michael roared as he slammed his cards against the table.

They were all silent for a moment before they broke out laughing.

“Really, Michael? _‘The gays’_ and _‘Glory holes_ ’?” Calum huffed. He wasn’t in the greatest of moods and Michael laughing at something like this just was irritating. Even if the chances of drawing those two card in the same sentence was funny. Only the coincidence.

“How could _you even_ get that? Like how in the world of probability?” Ashton complained, hooking his chin on Calum’s shoulder.

“I just won this round, admit it.” Michael smirked, waiting on Ashton’s answer. Luke had become silent after he heard Calum, and now he felt like the younger boy was kind of ashamed of having laughed at the cards. Calum left two random cards on the table, Luke leaving his too.

“You sound so straight right now, you know?” Ashton shook his head, rolling his eyes at Michael’s laughter, but he giggled a bit too.

“It _was_ a wee bit funny, nurse-Ashton. Come on, give me the point.” Michael jested.

“ _Nurse-_ Ashton?”

Luke’s delighted face couldn’t even compared to a child on Christmas morning. He looked way too happy right now. Calum chuckled at it, but Ashton was whining and hiding his face in the back of his neck. It tickled.

“Thanks, Mike.” He mumbled against Calum’s skin. “I’m going to have the full unit calling me that from now on.”

Luke nodded, a shit-eating grin stretching from ear to ear, wiggling his eyebrows at Ashton, who just huffed and stayed with his eyes pressed against Calum’s shoulder. He was clearly intoxicated, to the point where Calum knew he probably was feeling more sleepy than anything else. He had yawned a couple times already.

“It’s still better than ‘green-eyed hottie’ or ‘da–”

Calum’s fulminating look made Michael cut the word in half. He really was going to have to have a talk with him tomorrow when Michael was stone cold sober. There were some things Calum had told him _in confidence_ during the years they had been friends. Didn’t mean they were true still.

“Or what?” Ashton asked confusedly, lifting his head from Calum’s shoulder and looking between them both.

“Nothing.” Calum hurried to answer him, smiling softly before turning to his best friend and hissing, “Michael, shut up.”

“I can hear you, Cal. I’m sitting right beside you.” Ashton was slurring his words a bit now. Maybe it was time to wrap it all up. It wasn’t late per se, only 1 am, but Ashton clearly needed to sleep it off, and even Calum himself wouldn’t say no to sleep right now.

His eyes crossed with Luke’s, and the blonde boy seemed to have the same thought, glancing at the clock.

“It’s kind of late, I should get going. I have a night shift tomorrow, should get proper rest.”

Luke smiled as he left his remaining cards on the table, gathering them with the rest and beginning to put them back in the box. Calum returned the smile and mouthed a thank you.

“But we didn’t finish the game.” Michael whined.

Calum rolled his eyes at Michael’s childish tone and started helping Luke clear up.

“You win, we don’t need another round to know that.” He deadpanned.

“Yay!”

Michael cheered, but he gathered his cards too, pilling them up in front of Luke and standing up. Well. He _tried_ standing up, Luke had to extend an arm to stabilise him before he tumbled over, and fuck. Ugh. Michael brought his own car, he wasn’t going to be able to drive in that state. Fuck.

“Michael, you shouldn’t have drank.” He whined. Calum really wasn’t in the mood to babysit him. He was sure handling Ashton was enough. Ashton hadn’t tried standing up, but if his leaning on Calum like his limbs were lead was any indication, he wasn’t exactly fine.

“It’s okay, I can drive.”

“You certainly cannot.” Calum chastised.

Ashton’s lips were on his neck and he didn’t know if the older boy was trying to kiss him or was just resting his entire face on his neck. By the way Ashton’s right hand was squeezing down on his hip Calum would bet it was a kiss. It was mildly distracting.

“I can take him home, you live near the Grafton, right?” Luke offered, and Calum could have cried with gratitude. Ashton came out of his neck to look at the situation, but he didn’t comment.

“But I swear I can drive.” The blue-haired boy insisted.

“Either you go with him or you stay on the sofa, Mike. You’re not taking the car, you’re drunk. I will drive it back tomorrow.”

Calum could see Ashton’s furrowed brows and confusion at Calum’s statement, and he knew that right there was the key to Michael leaving his car here. He wouldn’t want to stay if Ashton hadn’t offered himself.

Ashton was plastered to Calum‘s right, his hand squeezing down on his hip, and Calum knew Ashton didn’t want to have Michael here. He had kind of known all night Ashton wanted to kick Mike and Luke out and make out with him. He hadn’t exactly being subtle. And Calum wasn’t about to deny a make-out session with his boyfriend because Michael had decided to drink himself to oblivion. Despite knowing he had driven here. But maybe he would have anyway, he didn’t know if Ashton was going to be even awake when the other two boys had finally gone.

Michael let out an exaggerated sigh in front of them, crouching down to take the CAH deck from the table, Luke still holding him with one arm.

“Okay, I’ll go, but you take care of my car.” Michael mumbled, eyeing to Calum’s right, presumably to an equally drunk Ashton.

Calum sent him an eye roll before he took Ashton’s hand from his hip and got up, turning to look at the older.

“I’m going to accompany them downstairs, I’ll be right up. You can lie down, if you like.”

“If I lie down, I’m going to fall asleep.” Ashton yawned. “I want to wait for you. Hurry up.”

Calum smiled softly at him and left a peck on his lips before he walked to Ashton’s room to retrieve Luke’s and Michael’s coats.

When he came out Luke was giving Ashton a hug, Michael already waiting by the stairs, so he walked up to Mikey.

“Did you say goodbye?”

“Of course I did. I’m not that pissed.” He chortled.

“O-kay.” Calum saw Luke saying goodbye to Ashton and took Michael by the shoulders, starting to go down the stairs.

Calum hadn’t put on any clothes, and he was still in his short-sleeved tee, so the contrast between Ashton’s heated up flat and the street was quite extreme.

“Fuck.”

“You should’ve got a coat.” Michael laughed, making Calum flip the bird at him.

Luke’s car was parked behind Ashton’s, so getting there was quick. He was hugging himself and skipping on the spot as he waited for Michael to fish out his keys.

“You take good care of her.” Michael repeated, dropping the keys on Calum’s waiting hands. He looked concerned as he glanced back to his car, parked right next to Ashton’s Mini.

“I’ve driven your car before, Mike. A Ford Fiesta isn’t that special.”

“ _She is to me_.”

“I’d be sure to tell that to Gracie.”

Calum opened the door to Luke’s car for him, putting up a napkin he had snatched upstairs before they came down where he knew Michael would start drooling. It was just a matter of minutes before he crashed despite him telling Calum he wasn’t that drunk. But Calum had had too many drunken nights with him, so he actually knew the truth. Michael would be fast asleep before Luke even took off, which meant Calum had to literally help him inside and buckle his seat belt for him. “Night, Mike.”

“Night.”

“Text me when you get home.”

Michael hummed and crossed his arms, staring off to the right side of the car. Calum closed the door to look at Luke over the roof.

“Thanks for taking him home. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to worry about.” Luke waved his hand dismissively. “Thanks for dinner, it was delicious.”

Calum blushed and smiled, happy that Luke had enjoyed himself. And then he remembered what the dinner had been for, in the first place.

“Thanks for…” He trailed off, but Luke smiled and, understanding.

“That was nothing. Ashton looks quite happy.” Luke chuckled, but Calum could tell he really was glad. It was such a contrast to the last conversation they had had together, Calum had to smile.

“He looks quite drunk too, thanks to my lovely best friend.”

“Yeah, I have never seen him _that_ drunk.” Luke laughed. “He usually stops drinking pretty early.”

Silence stretched for a couple of seconds before any of them said anything.

“Okay, I’m gonna go up now.” Calum sighed rubbing his face. “Text Ash when you get home, too. I know he’d want to say that to you but I fear when I come back he’s going to be snoring on the sofa.”

Luke snorted, shaking his head.

“Good luck.”

“Same.” Calum gestured to Mikey, already drooling off on Luke’s upholstery. Thank god Calum had had the good sense to cover it before Michael sat down.

“Night, Calum.”

“Night. Drive safe.”

He didn’t even wait for Luke to take off, hurrying back inside where it was warm. _Fuck, it was cold out._ He took the stairs two steps at a time, arriving to find Ashton in the same spot he had left him.

“Hey there.” He smiled. “You sleepy?”

Ashton yawned and nodded, but tugged him down onto the sofa nonetheless, Calum ending up straddling him.

“I’m sleepy, but I can wake myself up.” Ashton said, looking at him through his eyelashes. And oh wow. Nope. Calum hadn’t exactly expected this when he came up. He should’ve known, he should’ve _expected_ it, especially after Ashton had been ogling him all night.

“Wake yourself up? For what?” He asked, trying to play dumb, but Ashton’s hands came up to the small of his back, clutching him closer and resulting in Calum sitting literally on top of Ashton’s dick.

“We can play a little.” Ashton whispered, his voice rough, and Calum’s heart gave a somersault. Not to say of the twitch of his dick at the words.

“Ash, you’re drunk.” Calum whispered, but his voice hitched when he felt one of Ashton’s hands trailing upwards and rooting itself on his hair, tugging.

“I don’t care.”

Ashton was looking at him directly in the eye, his pupils completely dilated, his breath coming short. Calum would lie if he said it didn’t affect him.

Ashton tugged on his hair again, bringing his face closer to Calum’s neck and dragging his teeth across it, stopping at Calum’s ear and biting his lobe. Calum couldn’t stop the whine from coming out of his mouth.

“Are you s–”

“Shh.” Ashton cut in, whispering close to his ear and making Calum shudder.

This was wrong. Ashton was drunk, and they hadn’t talked. But he was also warm and willing underneath Calum, and they could play just a little, right?

“Just kisses.” Calum whispered back.

Ashton hummed and brought his lips down from Calum’s ear, kissing all the way down towards his jawline, suddenly stopping and leaning back, staring into Calum’s eyes.

“Are _you_ going to kiss me, then?” He challenged, and his voice was so rough, his hair slightly dishevelled, his lidded eyes staring him down. Calum didn’t have to think twice, he dived in so fast, bringing his own hands up and cradling Ashton’s face.

Ashton immediately brought out his tongue, licking his lips and tangling with his as soon as Calum opened his mouth. Ashton’s right hand snaked down from Calum’s back towards his rear, and just the anticipation made Calum moan into the kiss.

He tasted like vodka, and Calum wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. The older boy had finally brought his hand completely down, grabbing Calum’s ass and giving it a squeeze through the denim pants he was wearing, and _oh god_ , Calum hadn’t really been expecting anything happening tonight. He whined through the kiss, making Ashton grope him harder. Ashton kept kissing him throughout, swallowing his gasps and whines, taking the oxygen from his lungs, leaving him dizzy.

He finally broke out in search of some air, but Ashton took the chance to manhandle him into a lying position, hovering over him. Calum let out an embarrassing moan at it, and another one when Ashton started leaving kisses on his neck. This felt way too good, and it wasn’t like Calum hadn’t wanked thinking about this exact moment, but reality was way better, which made it all worse. Ashton’s hands were exploring Calum’s body now, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps wherever they touched, turning Calum into a mess. He wanted Ashton so bad, had wanted him for so long… His mind was racing as Ashton kept touching him, his hand slipping inside his tee, stroking his stomach making Calum draw in a sharp breath. His own hands were gripping Ashtons back, his arms, tangling in his hair, bringing him back up again, needing his lips on his. It was almost feverish, the way Calum felt right now. Ashton was hot on top of him, literally and figuratively, the room was hot; he was hot…

Ashton bit his lip, hard, and Calum didn’t even know what sounds he was making, but he knew they couldn’t be very put-together. He felt lightheaded, his breath coming out in pants between their kisses, Ashton groaning in top of him when Calum went back down to kiss on the hickey he had left that afternoon. It was almost like Ashton lost his strength as soon as Calum touched the spot with his lips, hissing and falling down on top of him, his limbs useless. _They couldn’t get further,_ Calum repeated to himself. He wouldn’t do anything else while Ashton was drunk. He was enjoying himself right now, but suddenly it felt like he was taking advantage of Ashton. The older boy didn’t have his wits about him, maybe he wouldn’t even remember tomorrow.

Calum started to squirm under him, and he knew Ashton mistook it for a sign of want, because he renewed his attack on Calum’s mouth. He even felt Ashton’s hand stroking down his tummy and stopping just above the belt, hanging there. That seemed to be the wake up call.

Calum broke the kiss, pushing Ashton away gently, trying to make him lock his eyes on him. Ashton tried to dive back in, so he pushed him away a bit more forcefully, his heart breaking at Ashton’s disappointed face.

“Stop, stop.” Calum croaked, out of breath and his voice cracking down. “We can’t do this while you’re drunk.”

Ashton creased his forehead a tad, confused.

“Said it before, I don’t care.”

He dived back in, leaving a kiss on Calum’s ear, making him shudder. Calum shook his head, pushed him again, but Ashton buried his face in his hair.

“Ash.”

The older boy left a soft kiss on his neck, the contrast with the mood quite jarring.

“Please, babe, I want you _so fucking bad_.” Ashton muttered, his voice cracking.

As if Calum didn’t believe it, Ashton rutted his hips down, making them both gasp, and Calum clutch his shoulder tightly, trying to regain a somewhat normal breathing pattern.

“Ash don’t make this more difficult.” Calum sighed, letting his arm fall on his face, hiding himself from Ashton. “We said we’d wait. Said we’d talk about it before we did anything.”

“We’re talking right now.” Ashton sighed in his ear. “I want to do it, Calum. I want you. I’m _sure_.”

Calum breathed out heavily, his breath hitting the forearm still covering his face, and he slowly moved it away, intending on looking Ashton in the eye. This was important.

The older boy leaned away a little, bringing his hand up and brushing some of Calum’s curls back. It made Calum close his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath before facing him again.

“I’m not doing anything with you while you’re drunk, Ashton.” He started, pushing Ashton away until he could sit up, heart clenching at the sight in front of him. Ashton looked hurt he had pushed him away. But someone needed to be the sensible one. “We _talked_ about this. You said you weren’t ready, Ashton.” He reached for one of Ashton’s hands, squeezing a little and coaxing the older boy’s fingers to fit with his. “Alcohol doesn’t _make_ you ready.”

Ashton looked away at that, his already flushed cheeks growing redder, perhaps at knowing Calum was right and was calling him out on his behaviour.

“I…” Ashton started, but he didn’t finish the thought. He was looking away now, to some unfixed point out the window, biting his lower lip. He looked enticing, his cheeks flushed, his hair tangled up, his clothes wrinkled. There was no mistaking what they had been about to do. It was the second time Calum left him with a boner today. He still had half a mind to just throw everything out the window and _do something_ about it. Making Ashton whine and moan and _come_.

He shook himself out of it. Maybe sharing a bed tonight wouldn’t be the best idea. Calum had been able to clog out of his state once, he didn’t want to leave it to chance a second time.

“I think I’m going to sleep on the sofa tonight.” He muttered, bringing Ashton’s hand up and kissing his knuckles, stroking them with his thumb when he let their joined hands fall down again. Ashton turned to look at him after that.

“I’m so sorry, Cal.” He whispered, and now he sounded disappointed in himself. His eyes had flitted away quickly though.

“It’s not… I’m not _mad_ , Ashton.” Calum chuckled, scooching over and cupping his jaw, making Ashton look at him. “I’m _turned on_. I don’t know how much self-control I have left, I want you too, you know.” He pressed his lips lightly against Ashton’s. “I’m just…” He sighed. “We’re not doing this till I talk with you. Sober.”

Ashton nodded quietly.

“Okay.” He brought one of his own hands up, covering Calum’s on his jaw. “But you should take the bed. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” He turned his head so he could leave a kiss on Calum’s palm, his lips staying there for a few seconds. “I’m sorry.”

Calum shook his head, leaning close again and kissing him softly. He didn’t want Ashton to feel rejected. That wasn’t what was happening here. Calum didn’t want him to feel like he had done something he hadn’t been okay with, either. Ashton didn’t return the kiss, though, making Calum lean away kind of disappointed. Tonight was… Nothing was going okay.

“It’s your bed. You should take it.” He disagreed. “I’ll take the sofa.”

Ashton nodded, breathing deep before he stood up from the sofa, walking a couple of steps and stopping, turning around to look at him again.

“I…” He trailed off. Calum got up too, taking two steps until he was face to face with him. Ashton was clearly struggling with something, he looked tormented. “I’m sorry I came onto you that way, Cal.”

 _Oh_.

“It wasn’t like you forced me, you know. I was _enjoying_ that.” He chuckled. “You didn’t force yourself on me, if that’s what you’re worried about, Ash.”

Ashton nodded, but he seemed distracted, like he still was deep in thought about something.

“Thanks for stopping.” He breathed out, still incapable of meeting his eyes. It made Calum feel a bit uncomfortable. This thing… whatever they were acting like right now, it wasn’t _them._ “I’m sorry.”

“Quit being sorry, silly. It really doesn’t matter.” Calum just wanted for this, whatever it was, to pass quickly so they could be themselves again. For Ashton’s eyes to look at him like they had been doing lately. He couldn’t really name what it was, but it made him feel warm inside, the way Ashton’s face turned soft as he looked at him. “If you still feel ready in the morning, when you’re sober, we can talk about it.”

Calum added, reaching out for a hug. Thankfully, Ashton went easily, and Calum breathed out, relieved.

He brought one of his hands up to Ashton’s hair, caressing his nape. Ashton sighed, clutching him closer.

“How can you be so adult about this?”

That made Calum laugh. He didn’t feel like an adult at all with how little it had taken for him to feel so fucking turned on. But he understood what Ashton was trying to say.

“I didn’t drink vodka.” He chuckled before adding, “I don’t trust Michael.”

Ashton chuckled too, burying his face on the crook of Calum’s neck. His hair tickled where it fell against Calum’s collarbones, but he didn’t say anything.

“Ugh, I’m going to have such a fucking headache tomorrow.” Ashton whined, lifting his head and looking at Calum.

“I’ll get you some ibuprofen while you change into your pyjamas.”

Calum smiled, kissing Ashton softly before breaking the hug.

“You’re the best.”

***

_You home yet_

It had taken him some twenty minutes to coach Ashton through his nightly routine and put him to bed. There had been enough time for Michael and Luke to have reached home, and still, he hadn’t received any text yet. From neither of them. So he sent a text for Mikey.

He let himself fall down on the sofa. Calum had never noticed, but he could watch the moon moving across the sky from this position. He’d have to take notes. It was kind of cool. Like the projector on his childhood room, only real.

He felt completely exhausted. Between cooking all afternoon, the residual tiredness from his final essays and projects, and everything that happened during the night, he couldn’t wait to close his eyes and welcome sleep.

He feared he was about to drift off when his phone buzzed in his hands. He quickly unlocked it. It was a text from Mike.

**_Yeah. Arrived ten minutes ago, sorry. Forgot to tell you._ **

Well. He did have one thing to do before he could get to sleep. He dialled Michael’s tone, waiting for him to pick up. When he did, Calum didn’t even let him breathe.

“I didn’t appreciate you getting Ashton drunk.”

“I just offered.”

“Come on, Mike.” Ashton may have drowned gulp after gulp, but Michael had been there tilting the bottle whenever he saw Ashton’s glass emptying up. “You encouraged.”

Michael huffed a laugh on the other end. He sounded like he had just woken up, which, he probably had. Calum was sure he had spent the whole ride home snoring.

“So you didn’t appreciate being hit on by your boyfriend?” Michael countered. “Don’t tell me he fell asleep before you guys finished.”

It made Calum groan. He loved Michael to pieces, but he could be such an asshole sometimes.

“We haven’t done anything _yet_ , Mikey.” He exploded and suddenly realised he had raised his voice too much. Calum didn’t want Ashton waking up in the other room, so he adjusted his tone. “And you getting him drunk sure wasn’t helpful.”

He could hear Michael breathing on the other end, and that was the only thing that told him that his friend hadn’t hung up. It let him time to check on Ashton, but the older boy was softly snoring still.

“You guys haven’t done anything?” Michael said after a beat. “Like, at all?”

Calum exhaled loudly.

“It’s… complicated.” He really shouldn’t talk about the details of Ashton’s life with Michael, it felt like he’d be breaking Ashton’s trust or something. “I know it sounds stereotypical. And no, I can’t tell you why. It’s not _my place_ to say why.”

He clipped his eyes between his index and thumb, rubbing a little. Maybe he should take an ibuprofen too. He felt a headache coming.

“Okay.” Michael relented. “Sorry. Just thought you’d be in for a fun night, he was kind of eating you up with his eyes.”

Something about the way Michael phrased it made Calum huff a laugh.

“It’s alright, Mike.” He rolled around on the sofa, hooking up the arm that wasn’t holding the phone under the pillow he had fished out. “We could have had it. Tonight. But… I wasn’t drunk enough not to know it wasn’t a good idea.”

His voice cracked in the end, and Calum chastised himself. Really. It wasn’t like he needed the sex. What had bothered him the most was Ashton changing his mind so quickly with just a little alcohol. It didn’t seem right. It made Calum feel weird, like for Ashton, wanting to have sex tonight, had had nothing to do with him. The idea was stupid, he knew. Calum shouldn’t be thinking about it like that. He should talk to Ashton in the morning. It would all look clearer in the morning.

“Is everything alright?” Michael asked. Calum could hear the worry even through the phone. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Calum was really tired, and these kinds of conversations were much worse when he didn’t have a clear mind. “Just…” Calum breathed deep. “… complicated.”

Michael sighed, and Calum knew he was officially worried. Fuck.

“Talk to me, Cal.” The _‘please’_ was left unsaid, but Calum heard it clearly. He knew Michael feared he was keeping serious stuff from him again. But it wasn’t like _that._ “Why didn’t you even mention this? I asked you how you were doing. I asked about sex. You basically lied. To _me_.”

“It was better than telling you I couldn’t tell you why. I didn’t want to explain something that wasn’t my deal to explain.” Calum whispered. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

He began fiddling with the edges of the light blanket Ashton had for the couch. Ashton had taken out a single-duvet for him, the one Luke used when he stayed over before he had climbed into bed.

“I put Ash to sleep.” He breathed out into the quiet. “He’s going to have a killer headache.”

Michael laughed on the other end, making Calum’s lips turn up a little at the sound.

“Leave him an ibuprofen and a glass of water by the bed, he’ll be fine.”

Calum could hear him walking through their flat, opening doors, rummaging cabinets, and he laughed again by himself at Michael just remembering to have some ibuprofen too.

“I already gave it to him, before bed. I should actually bring some to the sofa for me.”

He heard something clatter to the ground on Michael’s end before the other boy flipped on him.

“You _sleeping on the sofa?_ ” Michael shrieked. “Do I have to come get you?”

“It’s not like that.” Calum hurried to pacify Michael. “We’re not fighting.” At least Calum didn’t think they were. They were in a weird state, but it wasn’t a fight. They just had to talk come morning. “ _I_ told him I’d be sleeping out here. Plus, you can’t come, you don’t have a car, Mike. It’s here.” He chuckled. Michael hummed contemplatively. He was drunker than Calum had thought he was if he didn’t remember he had left the car here. “I could drive myself home if I wanted to.”

Michael hummed again, and Calum heard a chair being pulled out.

“Then why don’t you just sleep with him?” The older boy asked. “In the innocent sense of the word.”

“Cause he was hard, and I wanted to do _something_ about it and it _is_ a bad idea.”

“Like, you can’t keep your hands off him if you two are on the same bed?”

Calum snorted.

“Well, it’s really fucking difficult to keep cool if a gorgeous man who happens to be my boyfriend is drunk beyond reason and throwing himself at me.”

He squished himself against the couch, suddenly embarrassed he had actually said that out loud. Michael didn’t make it better when he started laughing.

“You got it _bad_ , man.” He was giggling uncontrollably. “Worse, given that you could have fucked him tonight, and you didn’t do it.” He paused for a bit, as if he was thinking of something, then asked, “It wasn’t your idea, right? Not having sex?”

“I… it actually was.” Michael made a surprised sound, but Calum kept talking before he could interrupt, “Ashton went through something. I cannot say more than that, but, we decided it was best to not force things.”

“Wanting to shag each other is not forcing things.” Michael grunted. “You like him, he likes you. You’re both adults and you both clearly want each other’s dicks, from what I’m hearing.”

Calum sighed.

“I… I’m not saying more over the phone, Mikey.”

“Okay. Well. If you need anything, I’ll leave your ringtone on.” Calum knew it wasn’t enough to completely erase Michael’s worry, but it was something. “Good night, mate.”

“G’Night, Mike.”

He was about to hang up when Michael cut in again.

“Sorry for the vodka.” He mumbled. “And for being an asshole. It was inexcusable. I’m sorry.”

Calum’s tired brain took a bit to locate what Michael was actually apologising for, but it wasn’t that much. He had been worse before.

“It doesn’t matter, Mike. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Night.” Michael said, before grunting out, “Love you, mate.”

“Love you too, Michael.” Calum laughed. “Go to sleep already.”

Michael hummed before he hung up.

Calum sighed, rubbing his face. There were plates in the sink he should clean right now, but he felt so fucking tired. Thank god they had stored the leftovers in the fridge earlier, he didn’t think he would be able to do anything until tomorrow.

He still got up from the sofa, tiptoeing to Ashton’s room, opening the door a bit before sliding inside.

Ashton was on the side of the bed he usually slept on when Calum slept over, knees drawn up and hugging the excess of comforter around him. He was breathing slowly now, looking so much younger in his sleep. Calum felt like a creep for staring, but he still walked the rest of the way towards the bed and sat beside him, his hand reaching to comb through Ashton’s hair. The only response he got was Ashton leaning into his hand in his sleep.

Calum sighed, letting his fingertips trace Ashton’s features. He looked beautiful in his sleep. Well. He always looked beautiful. But right now, the absence of worries and the hurt of his past left his face smooth and clear. It was a look Calum had only witnessed a couple of times with Ashton awake.

These last few weeks, ever since they started going out. They were the happiest time Calum remembered in recent history. The older boy had made his life better. There was no doubt about it.

“You’re so _beautiful_ , Ashton Irwin.” He whispered, he couldn’t help himself. And even if his feeling of creepiness increased, he felt like he _had_ to say the words right now. “I know I will sound like a total cliché, but you’re so fucking beautiful inside and out. It’s kind of impossible not to fall for you.”

Calum wasn’t there yet. Not by a long shot. But... there was this _something_ about Ashton, this _something_ about both of them, together. Something that told him falling for Ashton was inevitable. It was just like he had told Ashton that morning. The most beautiful thing about being with him was that he got to understand. Got to see how everything about him fitted together.

Well. This feeling, deep in his gut… It told Calum that him and Ashton could _fit_ too. If the older boy let him, Calum intended to _stay_. He wanted to discover all the puzzle pieces that shaped this gorgeous man before him, even if those pieces would seem imperfect at first. Calum knew they would all make perfect sense when put together. He wondered if his own would _fit_ in the puzzle of Ashton’s life.

Calum leaned down to leave a kiss on Ashton’s forehead and tiptoed out of the room, pulling the door with him, but not closing all the way. With all the alcohol Ashton had consumed Calum wouldn’t be surprised if he got up in the middle of the night feeling sick. Calum wanted to be able to help him if that were the case.

He managed to brush his teeth without yawning and trudged his way to Ashton’s couch. He fell asleep watching the moon move across the sky, just as it disappeared from the view allowed by the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back. I apologize for the dissapearance. It wasn't the best start of the New Year for me. I hope you liked this!! (sorry for the lenght, this is a monster of a chapter)


	9. Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I’m back! 2 weeks but I bring almost 25k, I hope you don’t kill me too hard xD  
> Really, really nervous about this one. Too long, perhaps too heavy.  
> I'm really really sorry, because I may have overdone it in terms of length 😅, like *a lot*. I have no conception of how long this would be until I finished typing it. (I really need to know when to stop, and how to decide what's actually important to be written explicitly and what can be summarised 😌)  
> Trigger warning: If you have anxiety or can't read things that may trigger you, I advise you skip the first part of the chapter, in cursive. Just in case.  
> That said, hope you enjoy this ^^

_December 22nd, 2017. Sydney._

_Ashton yawned as he trudged his way to the break room. It had been a busy shift, too many drunk kids partying up on holiday, a couple of fist-fights ending in broken bones, a bus crash. Too many people running around, trying to help as much as they could, but even with the extra staff on-call coming in, they had been short. They had been extremely short. Ashton felt numb._

_He knew when he chose to work in an Emergency Department things were going to be hard to digest. First treatments were crucial, and yet sometimes, no matter what you did… it still wasn’t enough. He couldn’t let it get to him. He just couldn’t._

_Ashton sighed and grabbed his bag from the chair he was supposed to have had a break in, walking to the changing rooms without even registering who was having breakfast at the table. That’s how tired he was. He hadn’t even had a chance to check his phone all night. Bec was going to kill him for being late. Or not. She normally understood._

_He swiftly changed out of the scrubs, putting on a dark tee and some shorts Lauren had said looked good on him. Fuck. He hadn’t wanted to fuck up, and he was already going to be late. But handover had been difficult and… He would just have to explain it to Bec. In fact._

Sorry, hard shift, I’ve just finished. I apologise for being extremely late :(

_He clutched his bag again, stepping out of the changing room and going straight for a cup of coffee. It usually tasted like shit, and he was going to be having breakfast with Bec in less than fifteen minutes, but he didn’t think he would make the short way there without caffeine pumping through his veins. Although maybe caffeine wasn’t the best idea, given he was already shitting himself with nerves over the breakfast._

_People were happily talking about their plans for Christmas, family dinners, friends hang-outs, dates… Ashton would have eagerly joined them yesterday. But not today. Today he was frigging nervous because he finally had a date with Bec._

_He was adding a dash of milk to make the coffee less shitty when his phone beeped back with an incoming message. It was Bec’s tone._

**Don’t worry, figured you’d be late anyway ;P**

**I’m walking up to the ED’s door, be there in about 5-10 min.**

_Ashton eyed the clock. That would be at about half-past eight. They had agreed to meet up at 8, Ashton’s shift officially ended fifteen minutes before. He smiled. Bec always knew he ended up getting out later. Ashton liked staying until he knew handover was done as properly as it could, and little briefings just to get out on time didn’t exactly cut it._

_Another beep made Ashton look back down to the screen._

**I hate you for taking the car.**

**Otto’s out and I had to take the train.**

**Just hopped off.**

_Ashton chuckled, shaking his head. Transport in this city was a nightmare. But hey, they’d be back at the apartment in no time after breakfast, he had the car._

Kay, text me when you’re at the door

I think I have enough time to finish my coffee

**Bring me some :(**

You’ve tasted it before, is awful

But I’ll see what I can do ;P

_Bec had started to write back, but Ashton knew when she didn’t reply immediately it was because her answer was going to be long. Extremely long. He prepared a second coffee in the interim, putting in the sugar and milk just how Bec liked. It wasn’t time to fuck up. He had done enough of fucking up last week._

_The nerves on his stomach just seemed to come back alive full force, thinking about seeing Bec. Would she let him kiss her? Technically they still had to talk over some stuff, but she had said yes to the date. Well. She had kind of laid down she wanted to be asked. Plus, she kissed him goodbye last night, when she agreed to the breakfast this morning. The date. The breakfast date. Whatever._

_Why the hell was he so nervous? It was only Bec. He had known her for like, 8 years. They had been best friends for as much time. They were freaking living together –with her brother, but still! For god’s sake. It wasn’t rational for Ashton’s heart to be beating so fast, for him to have a knot on his throat, for his stomach being in shambles. Fuck._

_It was only Bec, but… It was_ **_Bec._ ** _Ashton couldn’t fuck this up, not now._

_When she agreed to the date last night… It was like Christmas came early. All Ashton had wanted –consciously– for the last two years, was a chance with her. But he had had a crush on her since the start, hadn’t he? Even if he didn’t realise. Still. Bec made his heart speed up like crazy, his breath fall short with every accidental touch, made him smile without even noticing. This had been a long time coming. This wasn’t just a girl. Bec was… She was important._

_He gulped the last of his coffee, making a quick trip to the bathroom, looking himself in the mirror. Otto would laugh at him if he was here – ‘Can’t believe my little sister has you like this’, he had snickered once, about a year ago–. Otto had been right on board when Ashton spilt his feelings on a drunken night when Bec had gone out partying. It was kind of cool having him on his side, even if Otto spent forever after that eyeing him down every time he made a fool out of himself in front of Bec, tripping over his words, or not even being able to speak at all. It was a miracle Bec hadn’t addressed it before. But it was also true that Ashton had been a moron and completely oblivious to Bec mirroring his own behaviour. If he could just travel back in time… things would have gotten sorted much quicker and without so much drama._

_He shook his head and opened the tap, washing his hands before splashing some water on his face. He looked terrible. Dark circles under his eyes, lids kind of swollen from crying when they lost a patient before they even got him to the operating room. It had been a short cry, no more than 5 minutes, it couldn’t have been longer. There had been no time._

_He tried coaxing his hair into something somewhat acceptable and then laughed at himself. Bec had seen him when he was 14, face full of acne and a really bad haircut. She had said she had already had a crush at that point in time. Bec had seen him completely hangover and puking in their tiny bathroom after Otto’s 21st birthday, she even held his hair back. She had seen him sleep deprived after an exams week, sick when he caught the flu. She probably wouldn’t be scared by his appearance right now._

_Shaking his head Ashton opened his bag searching for a toothbrush, making a quick work of it. He doused another round of cologne, just in case, too._

_Bec should have already reached the doors. It was weird that she hadn’t. Ashton was sure that it had been more than ten minutes. He unlocked his phone, tapping into her chat. She was online, but not typing._

Have you arrived yet?

_He picked up her coffee and his bag again, distractedly saying goodbye to some colleagues having breakfast at the break room, and started walking towards the exit. Maybe he would meet her halfway if she hadn’t arrived yet._

_The waiting room was crowded, much more so than other mornings. There were still a lot of people from the bus crash with minor injuries still being tended to, waiting with their families._

_Bec wasn’t answering, the display still telling him she was online, plus, she had read the text. It had the blue tick._

_Ashton’s heart froze for a second. Was she rethinking everything? She would say so if she was, right? Bec never kept anything from him. Well, from anyone, really. It wasn’t her style. But she still wasn’t answering Ashton. It made him nervous._

Bec, if you don’t want to do this, just say so.

_Blue tick appeared, she was still in his chat. Ashton held his breath. And then–._

_She was offline._

_Ashton sighed. He didn’t know if he should call her. He really thought everything had been sorted out last night. They had talked about the drunken sex. Ashton had admitted to him liking her –even if at this point it already felt like being in love–, she had admitted to liking him. They had talked, extensively, about what it had meant for them. Bec had broke out crying when she admitted she hadn’t been able to look him in the eye all week because she thought she had fucked up their friendship. That nothing would ever be the same between them, and she was at fault. Ashton had hurried to contradict her. It was true he had probably been drunker than her, but he had wanted it, he remembered it, he agreed to it. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been conscious. Had it been fucked up to have sex when they were both drunk and they hadn’t even talked about their feelings? Yes, of course. But it had been mutual. They had said so, both of them._

_Really, Ashton didn’t know what could be wrong._

_Or maybe he was just overthinking everything. Maybe she had just run into Ollie or Ángel at the door and was talking with them. She had always got on well with Ollie, even when he had been a bit of an asshole during their first year of uni. Truly, it was a surprise how he had reformed and succeeded in graduating at the same time as Ashton. And Bec had always had a soft-spot for the scrawny kid he had been, it wouldn’t be surprising if she was interrogating Ángel as to how he was treating him._

_Over-thinking why Bec hadn’t answered when she literally had to be no more than 2 minutes away from him was stupid. It was a bad habit of his, thinking way too much about insignificant stuff, but normally he had Bec to break him out of it, tell him he was being stupid, that people didn’t think about things that deep. Without having another chance to drive himself crazy, he dialled her number, waiting as it rang._

_One, two, three beeps sounded. Bec wasn’t answering. And that was just plain weird. Bec always answered his phone calls, unless she was working or in class, and she was off today. The call kept beeping, but no answer._

_Suddenly there was a commotion at the doors, Elliotte and Pete rushing out. Ashton had just seen them on the break room, this had to be serious, for them to be running like that. They were the Advanced Life Support team, which meant either heart attack or sudden cardiac arrest._

_Ashton hang up quickly, stopping Charlie on her way to the doors._

_“What happened? Should I change back?” He asked worriedly._

_“Someone collapsed two streets over. Woman, sudden cardiac arrest, some bystander started CPR but closest defibrillator is us. They’re waiting on the ALS team.”_

_Fuck. That didn’t sound good._

_“How long since they started CPR?” That was key, usually people always survived if they had access to someone giving them CPR quickly._

_“Some bystander, a couple of minutes ago. We just got the call.” Charlie sighed, stopping at the entrance, obviously waiting in case they decided the woman had a bigger chance in the hospital than at the scene. “They thought she had just fainted, overheated. Fucking morons, the girl wasn’t breathing…”_

_“It cannot be more than 22° out, how could they think that?” He groaned. Really, schools had to push more on the first aid compulsory courses. People were fucking stupid sometimes._

_Ashton watched as the ambulance darted away with both paramedics and the rest of the team, sighing. Charlie shook her head._

_“You go home, Irwin. You look fucking exhausted.”_

_Ashton let out an involuntary snort. Exhausted wasn’t even close._

_“I’m actually going on a date.” He looked down to where he was holding Bec’s cup of coffee –he had scrawled her name on it in an attempt to make her laugh when she saw him–, smile taking over his face slowly, like he couldn’t help it._

_“Looking like that?” Charlie snickered. “I feel bad for the poor girl.” Ashton furrowed his brow, Charlie knew he was bi, why would she asu–, “Come on, Ash, you work with us. You really didn’t think we knew about your huge crush on Bec?”_

_“I…”_

_“You’ve been pining over her ever since you started here. Just glad you kids finally figured it out. It was so painfully obvious.” She laughed again, and Ashton blushed. He hadn’t been_ **_that_ ** _obvious, had he? “Actually, Ollie started a bet, to see how long it would take you two to get together. I think Pete put his money for this Christmas, knowing you’re so obsessed with it. And a shit ass romantic –don’t you try to deny it, mate–. He’ll be happy when I tell him he won.”_

_Ashton whined. The whole fucking unit knew? This was embarrassing._

_“Oh god.”_

_Charlie patted him in the back as she broke out laughing again._

_“Don’t worry kid, she likes you alright. You’ll be fine.”_

_Ashton would have hidden his face away if he wasn’t carrying the coffee and his bag, but as it was, he knew everyone would be able to see his blush._

_“Have you seen Ollie? Bec isn’t answering, maybe she run into him or something.”_

_“He left for home about 10 minutes ago, maybe they’re outside.”_

_“Okay. Good luck on the shift, see you Christmas Eve.” Ashton smiled, chancing a kiss on her cheek._

_Charlie had been one of the first to welcome him with open arms –along with old gruff Pete–, clumsy and nervous as Ashton was when he started, two years ago. She wasn’t that much older, only 29, but she always felt like a big sister or someone who would always help._

_“Good luck on your date.”_

_She laughed and swatted him away after the kiss, eyes fond, and Ashton crossed the doors with a smile on his face. The sky was blue, and it looked like it would be a nice day. Maybe after breakfast if he wasn’t completely ready to pass out he could convince Bec to go to the beach for a while. She had always liked the ocean. And Ashton just liked seeing her happy._

_Smiling to himself, he started walking towards the end of the ramp, taking a right on the street, taking the path he knew Bec usually took to come down from the station. It was longer, but she liked to walk by the houses on this part, even if she would never admit it. They were pretty, detached houses, with gardens out front and back. They were homey._

_Ashton was distractedly checking his phone, looking again at Bec’s chat, but she remained silent. Ashton didn’t even notice he almost run into his workmates until he was about to crash into them._

_Fuck, the cardiac arrest, true. There was a small crowd of people gathered around the ambulance and its crew, a guy crying as he talked to the driver. Ashton stood on his tiptoes till he saw the driver’s face, it was Phillip. He had seen him around, had had some handovers in the same shift, even gone out for beers with him and Ollie and the others. Bec had often joined them. He couldn’t peek to the team on the ground, so he sent a text to Bec and told her where he was before stepping around the ambulance and talking to the driver._

_“Hey, you need help?” He whispered, trying not to be overheard by the hiccupping boy. Phillip turned around slowly, something akin to recognition drawing on his eyes. Ashton didn’t know why, it made him feel uneasy._

_“Irwin.” His voice sounded strung. “What are you doing here?”_

_“On my way to meet up with Bec, I just came out of a shift.”_

_“Oh.” His face suddenly masked off, stepping apart and taking Ashton with him by the arm, away from the people. He stopped when they were behind the ambulance, right where the doors were opened._

_Phillip tugged down on his sleeve, making him take a seat at the edge of the van. There was a pull in the bottom of his gut, Phillip was looking at him way too seriously, and it made him glance back towards the scene out of instinct._

_“Look, Ashton. Uh–”_

_The older guy inhaled deeply, letting out the air slowly, closing his eyes for a second before focusing on Ashton’s again. Ashton knew Phillip’s hand resting on his shoulder was meant to be comforting, but he didn’t know the reason behind the gesture and that just made it seem like a bad omen._

_“I’m going to tell you something,” Phillip started, his voice eerily collected, “… and you_ **_need_ ** _to stay calm, alright?”_

_There was such seriousness imbued in Phillip’s eyes that it made Ashton crack up involuntary._

_“What?” Ashton huffed a nervous laugh._

_“Ashton.” Phillip’s voice made him snap his face back towards the driver, even if his name had sounded totally gentle. There was this hint of_ **_something_ ** _in Phillip’s eyes, it made Ashton nervous. Phillip was usually easy-going and a good laugh, he didn’t understand why the hell he was being like this._

_“What? What is it?” He tried to look again at Elliotte and Pete, but the crowd around them made it difficult to see. Plus, Phillip grabbed his face gently and made him look up at him. His eyes, oh god._

_“Ashton, you need to remain calm, because I’m going to need answers, ‘kay?”_

_Ashton felt dread at the pit of his stomach, Phillip’s tone professional, but underneath it… Underneath it there was something that was making Ashton feel scared shitless._

_“Who…”_

_“Ashton.” Phillip started, something akin to pity clouding his eyes for a fraction of a second there, but he masked it well. “A woman, early twenties, fell down 12 minutes ago. The kid there thought she fainted, and no one started CPR until Triple zero asked if there was a pulse. That was approximately 1 minutes after the collapse. She’s been on ALS for 7 minutes now. There’s electric activity, but …”_

_Phillip’s voice faded away, Ashton’s heart pounding in his ears. Everything felt like a thousand kilometres away, sounds going silent, the only thing reaching his ears his loud heartbeat. As Ashton’s eyes trailed through the crowd, falling gradually to the ground, he saw the feet of the woman lying on the sidewalk. Everything suddenly slowed down as the realization sunk in, his ears going deaf, eyes unfocussed and lungs collapsing. He recognised those boots._

_And suddenly everything came back to life, harshly, double the speed._

_He felt his phone fall to the pavement, clattering as the screen cracked. Only someone as insane as Bec would wear Doc Martens in the summer. He felt numb as he watched Elliotte and Pete through the bodies of the bystanders, continuing the compressions, focused look in their faces._

_This couldn’t be happening._

_Why was this happening?_

_This had to be a nightmare, right? Ashton had fallen asleep on the ED, exhausted after the night shift._

_This was all just a dream._

_A bad dream._

_A really bad dream._

_Bec was 22._

_She couldn’t be having a cardiac arrest._

_She couldn’t._

_And yet it was her lying there, unmoving, eyes closed._

_Ashton felt dizzy, not enough oxygen getting to his lungs, or perhaps way too much, and someone had to stabilise him._

_“… do you understand? Irwin. You okay there?” He knew the voice, knew it was Phillip, but his brain was lagging behind. Like time was running at a lower pace and entirely too quickly at the same time. His eyes couldn’t focus, it was like everything was blurry and he felt scared, so fucking terrified. There was this darkness peering at the edge of his consciousness, almost making him want to pass out, but…_

_“I…” Ashton blinked quickly, putting strength on his legs to get up, but Phillip made him remain seated. Ashton feared he would have actually fallen face-first to the pavement, anyway._

_“Ashton, I need to know. Does she have any medical history of heart problems?”_

_Ashton tried to focus on breathing, given that his legs weren’t exactly responding to him. He felt paralysed, heartbeat on his throat, behind his eyelids, in his ears, drumming quick and unsteady. He had to shake his head to try to get out of it. Colours swam in his eyes, bright, Phillip’s voice ringing in his ears. He had asked Ashton something, hadn’t he? Ashton had to focus. He couldn’t be out of it. Ashton shook his head again, blinking several times before his eyes finally focused on the paramedic’s face._

_“I…” Fuck. “Yes.” He took a deep breath, well, he tried to. His brain was muddled, but he knew the answer to this. “A heart murmur, they said it was harmless.”_

_The lights were too bright, the sounds too loud. Elliotte was shouting for more epinephrine, going back for another charge. Ashton’s eyes zeroed on the portable heart monitor, there wasn’t nary a pulse. Ashton’s heart lurched to his throat as he watched Bec receiving the charge, her limp body getting up from the ground, falling again, heartbeat unchanged._

_“Okay. Irwin.” Phillip brought a hand in front of his face, snapping his fingers, trying to get his attention back. “Hey, Ashton. Hear me out. She’s in good hands, you know that.”_

_Ashton nodded frantically, inhaling deep. He wanted to stand up, fight his way through the crowd, get to Bec, help. But he couldn’t move his legs, couldn’t stand up. He was having trouble breathing, and he knew he’d only be a bother if he just crashed into it. Elliotte and Pete could handle it. Ashton had seen them before. They were experts._

_That didn’t mean his eyes could be teared away from the scene. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion, only much calmer, much less noise. There was a suspicious lack of noise around._

_“Ashton, any family history of cardiac arrest? Heart failures?”_

_He shook his head no. Oh fuck. Had they reached her parents? Had they reached_ **_Otto_ ** _? Fuck. They. They had to know. They had to know that Bec..._

_“Have you called someone? Her parents, her brother?”_

_“Couldn’t access the phone. And, priority was her, you know that.”_

_Ashton nodded, his thought process slow. They hadn’t. He had to. He had to call Otto. Had to tell him. Had to–. Ashton swayed forward, trying to reach for his phone on the ground. He had to call Otto, he had to call Bec’s parents. He had–_

_“FUCK!” Pete’s scream brought him back, made him look. The paramedic who had welcomed him in along with Charlie when he first started at the hospital was focused, but his face was crumbling. He had just changed positions with Elliotte for the chest compressions. It allowed Ashton a view of Bec’s face._

_She was turning blue. Phillip was calling the hospital on his radio, asking if they should move her or they could get an ED doctor here, and Bec was lying there turning blue._

_Her lips were chapped._

_Ashton had kissed those lips last night._

_They had been warm, they had been alive._

_They had been stretched into a smile as Ashton asked –finally– if she wanted to go on a date with him._

_They had laughed when he tripped over his words._

_They had kissed him back._

_Ashton couldn’t breathe. There were lights going out in his eyes, his fingers were prickling. He felt like he was walking on clouds even as Phillip kept him grounded on the van. He knew the driver was talking to him, trying to keep him calm, but if Pete wasn’t calm how could Ashton be?_

_Everything was swaying around him, people’s voices amplified more than ever even in the eerie silence. There was a ringing in his ears he couldn’t shake off. He covered them in an effort to make everything go away, closed his eyes, tried to breathe, but Bec’s pale face turning blue was seared in his brain._

_Ashton felt nauseated all of a sudden, bile rising to his throat, heaving forward, missing Phillip’s front out of mere luck. He got sick in his shoes, in his legs, in the pavement. It made him feel even worse, dizzy and boneless, like all strength had left him through his mouth. The taste inside it made him lurch twice more, but nothing else came out._

_Phillip was trying to get him to breathe, to calm down, but Ashton needed to stand up. He needed to go to her._

_That was Bec, lying there, hooked onto a heart rate monitor that was flat for the most part. Pete was giving her another electrical charge, but it wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t responding. Ashton didn’t even know how long had it been already, could have been a couple of minutes, could have been twenty. Certainly Pete and Elliotte looked tired. Way too tired._

_He barely registered falling down to his knees when he tried to stand up, go to her. Even the pain of scrapping his knees was subdued to the agony of his heart being pulled out of his chest, hope scurrying through his fingers as time passed and Bec’s heartbeat didn’t stabilise._

_Ashton couldn’t find it in himself to move. Not that he could, with Phillip holding him back. Ashton wanted to do something, to not feel completely helpless in the situation. He knew he couldn’t realistically do anything, but that didn’t ease the weight in his heart. He just sat there, watching._

_Her heart rate wasn’t picking up._

_Nothing Pete and Elliotte were doing was working._

_Her heart was slowing down._

_It was_ **_stopping._ **

***

Calum woke up with a start, his heart beating a million times per second. It took him a moment to focus and remember where he was. Yes. Ashton’s couch. He didn’t know what had woken him up and then.

“Bec, please.” Ashton’s soft voice carried through the hallway. He seemed distressed. Calum had to blink a couple more times before he was able to register what was happening, but then Ashton’s sobs reached his ears. He sprung up from the sofa, nearly crashing into the coffee table in his haste to get to the bedroom.

“ _Bec_.” Ashton was crying, but he didn’t seem to be awake. He was mumbling, some words lost in the middle of his sobs. “… do this. Come back. Open your eyes, please. Please Bec.”

Calum walked down the rest of the way to the bed, where Ashton was thrashing around, a thin layer of sweat covering his sheen. There were tear tracks down his cheeks, shining as they reflected the light from the lamppost just outside Ashton’s window. The pain was so rooted in the expression of his face… That same face that had been so smooth, so free of worries just a few hours ago.

Calum’s heart broke.

He climbed into bed quickly, not really knowing if it would be the best. Calum remembered someone saying you shouldn’t wake a sleepwalker, but he didn’t know anything about nightmares. He tried bringing Ashton’s body to his lap, hugging his back to his chest, squeezing hard. At least it would let Ashton know he was there.

“Ash?” He whispered, drawing up a hand and smoothing Ashton’s curls over and leaving a kiss on them. He was burning. “Ashton?”

The older boy kept crying and mumbling about Bec, writhing even in Calum’s hold, tears not stopping. He felt his own throat choking up at Ashton’s distress, felt useless, just being there caressing his hair, trying to calm him down. How could Calum calm him down when he didn’t even know what the older boy was seeing? He couldn’t. He could just talk to him.

“I’m here, Ash.” He whispered. “You’re safe. It’s just a nightmare.”

Ashton moved around on his hold, restless. It was like he was trying to get up, trying to go somewhere. Calum held him tighter, pressing his lips into Ashton’s temple. The older let out a whine, clutching his arms, and for a moment Calum thought he had woken up, but Ashton was still mumbling incoherently, repeating Bec’s name again and again and again. Sobbing. Wailing. Fighting. His breathing coming incredibly quick. He could feel Ashton’s heartbeat through the slim tee he wore to sleep, it was going way too quick. Calum was starting to worry.

“Wake up, Ash. Please wake up.” He tried again, leaving kisses everywhere he could, taking one of Ashton’s hands in his, squeezing down, stroking his knuckles. Calum didn’t know what he should do. He didn’t remember ever being in this situation, didn’t know how to act, how to help Ashton. It was making it worse, not knowing what to do.

The older boy was crying loudly, clutching Calum’s arm with his free hand, still mumbling. He was caught up in the dream, and Calum didn’t know how to get him out.

“Ash, you’re dreaming. Please, wake up.”

Calum’s eyes welled up. It was impossible not to cry when Ashton was suffering so evidently, when Calum felt helpless, unable to do anything to soothe him, calm him down. “It’s just a nightmare, please, baby. Just a nightmare.”

Ashton’s eyes were moving quickly behind his eyelids. He was clearly still caught in the bad dream, and Calum was unsure of what to do. If he shook him awake it would be bad, if he let Ashton keep dreaming, trapped in that dream, that... whatever it was, it would be worse.

“It’s going to be alright, Ash.” He whispered again, pressing his lips firmly against Ashton’s hair, clutching him even closer. There was cold sweat all over Ashton. “Everything’s going to be alright, you just need to wake up. Just a nightmare. Please wake up.”

He kept whispering things, over and over again. Trying to wake Ashton. Trying to help him escape. But nothing seemed to be working. Ashton kept crying, now thrashing, trying to break away from his hold, muttering stuff here and there. Calum held him back how he could, muttering reassurances he didn’t even know if they would mean anything to Ashton. If they would even reach him.

Calum knew he had lost Bec. He didn’t know how. Didn’t know what could have Ashton locked up in a nightmare like this. Whatever it was, he clearly wasn’t over it. Maybe Calum had been playing it wrong, telling him it was just a nightmare. Maybe the nightmare was way too real for him to wake up. Maybe it had more memories than imagination linked into it.

“Ash, I know it feels real.” Calum breathed, holding Ashton closer, whispering in his ear. “I don’t know what you’re seeing, but I am here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ashton whimpered, tears falling from his eyes, but he had stopped thrashing around. He was mumbling again, but this time none of it made sense. Calum wiped his cheeks with his thumbs, leaving a kiss on his curls.

“The nightmare may be real, but I am, too.” He whispered. “I am here with you. Come back, Ash. Come back to me.”

It didn’t immediately have an effect, but slowly Ashton’s breathing calmed down, he stopped sobbing, now there were only silent tears falling from his eyes, still closed. Calum didn’t know if he should try to wake him up again. Ashton needed to at least take a shower. If he slept drenched in sweat as he was, he was going to catch a cold.

“Ash? Baby, wake up.”

He was trying to untangle his hand from Ashton’s to check his temperature again, but the older boy squeezed it, not letting go. By the change in his breathing Calum thought he had woken up, or was waking up.

“Ash?”

He nuzzled his nose against Ashton’s curls. They were dripping, but Calum honestly didn’t care.

“Calum?”

Ashton’s voice was rough from sleeping and crying, but he was awake, he was squeezing his hand again, his eyelids fluttering.

Calum hummed, leaving a kiss on Ashton’s nape, close to his ear. He felt Ashton exhaling, bringing up his free hand to his face, covering it.

“You had a nightmare.”

Calum knew Ashton probably was still watching it vividly behind his eyes, there was no need for Calum to say it, nevertheless he did. He didn’t know how to proceed now. Didn’t know if he should ask Ashton about it. Didn’t know if he was _allowed_.

They stayed like that for several minutes, Ashton’s back against Calum’s chest, reclined on the headboard, Calum’s left hand now tracing random patterns on Ashton’s front. He was trying to keep himself occupied at the same time as trying to comfort the older boy, who still had tears slowly tracking down his face.

“Thank you for… waking me up.” Ashton breathed quietly.

Calum’s hand stopped without him even been conscious of it. He couldn’t see Ashton’s face from here, and that was making him nervous.

But Ashton let his head fall to his shoulder, turning a little in his hold, leaving a kiss on Calum’s neck. It made him shiver.

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

Ashton sounded so _young_ , right now. Apologising for waking him up even when he had just had a horrible nightmare –Calum would bet it hadn’t been a product of his mind, though. That had to have been a memory–.

“You don’t–,” Calum took a deep breath, starting again, hoping this time he wouldn’t get choked up. “You can’t control what you dream with. You’re not apologising to me for it.”

Ashton’s breath hitched, but that was the only response Calum got before he turned back to his earlier position, resting his back on Calum’s chest. Calum went back to caressing him, mindlessly. He should be ushering Ashton to the shower before he got cold.

“Ash.”

“Hmm.”

“You should hop in the shower, we don’t want you getting ill.”

Ashton hummed his agreement, but he didn’t move. He seemed to be away, lost in that nightmare, that memory. Calum wished he knew how to get there. How to help him. Ashton’s past was largely a mystery to him. Calum knew Bec had to have been a big part of Ashton’s life for a long time, because when he talked about his life back in Australia, he only ever brought up his family. He rarely mentioned secondary school or uni, and Calum wondered if Bec’s memory had something to do with it.

He already knew more than even Luke, and the blonde boy had known Ashton for almost a year. Calum thought if he asked for more maybe that would result in Ashton pushing him away. It was clear that the older boy didn’t want to talk about it.

Ashton sighed and brought his left hand up, stopping Calum’s in the middle of his chest, bringing it up to his lips and leaving a kiss. Then he got up without turning back to look at him and crossed the way to the bathroom closing the door behind him.

Calum stayed there staring at the wall, hearing Ashton turning the water on, getting in. He chanced a glance to his left, towards Ashton’s bedside table. The clock marked 5 o’clock. He thought maybe he could make some tea for them, but it wouldn’t be a good idea. Ashton had to sleep.

Sighing Calum got out of bed, padding softly to the door, chancing a look to the bathroom to his right, but the door, even when it couldn’t be closed all the way, didn’t allow him more than the view of the wall and the corner of the mirror. He continued silently towards the kitchen, almost tripping on the puffs along the way. Maybe he should have turned the lights on.

He had decided on hot chocolate. It was calming, and Ashton seemed to have a sweet spot for it, if the times he had asked Calum to make it had anything to do with it. Plus, he had made sure his own kitchen was well stocked so Calum could always make it.

He was finishing serving it in two mugs when he heard the shower turn off. Calum didn’t know if he should bring the chocolate to the bedroom or wait outside in the living room. Bedroom would perhaps be best if Ashton wanted to lay down for a while. Calum fished a tray from the cupboard and carefully made his way towards the bedroom, setting it gently on the table.

Ashton was still inside the bathroom, and he hadn’t taken clothes to change into, so Calum opened the closet and took out clean pyjamas and pants before walking over to the door, now hesitant.

“Ash?” He knocked on the door. Any other time he would have just walked in and handed it to him, but right now he felt a little out of place. “Brought you clothes.”

“Thanks.” Ashton opened the door, towel low on his hips, but he was smiling. It was faint, but he was smiling. “You made hot chocolate?”

He asked as he took the clothes from Calum’s hands, his right stroking lightly over Calum’s knuckles.

Calum nodded, smiling a bit himself.

“Thanks. I’ll be right out.”

Calum tugged the door close till it got stuck, letting himself rest against it for a second before going back to the bed. Sheets were pulled out with the comforter, but they weren’t that drenched in sweat. Calum spent the time waiting for Ashton to come out rearranging them, fluffing the pillows and comforter. He really, really was out of his depth here. Calum knew how to comfort by touch, by food. It was what he had been taught. But those two things seemed insignificant next to whatever nightmares were plaguing Ashton’s mind. Calum was at a loss on how to act.

He was putting the tray on the bed when Ashton finally came back in, long sleeves pulled over his hands, padding softly to his side of the bed. His eyes were red and puffy, a clear sign of what had happened before, but his face was suspiciously void of any emotion. It reminded Calum of how he had looked the day he came looking for him the first time. The day they started dating. Officially. Which was kind of twisted when Calum thought about it.

Calum sat down next to him, offered him a mug and hid himself behind his own. Ashton smiled at the gesture, sniffing the smell wafting up from the cup, taking a little sip. But he didn’t say anything. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, per se. It was just charged with tension. Tension that grew as Calum’s nervousness grew. He wasn’t sure if Ashton needed a hug, or was even willing to let Calum give him one. Calum’s fingertips itched with the need to reach over and link themselves with Ashton’s.

The older boy seemed to sense his hesitation, because he extended his hand, grabbing Calum’s and interlacing their fingers, giving a light squeeze. A relieved sigh escaped Calum. He truly was completely blind on what was next. Ashton hadn’t really talked to him since he woke up, and Calum didn’t want to force him, but some tears had started spilling from his eyes again and Calum had to do something.

He left his mug as he finished it on the bedside table, taking away the tray also and scooched over, resting his back against the headboard, bringing Ashton up to his chest again. Ashton tensed when he did, and he never truly relaxed once they were settled. Calum feared he had fucked up.

“Do you…” His voice came out in a whisper, completely unintended. But Ashton had turned halfway to him, his face still hidden but his ear pointing back, and Calum had to finish the thought. “Should I go?” Silence. “Do you want me to go?”

“No.” Ashton was so adamant on it, he grabbed Calum’s arm and brought it around him, making Calum hug him from behind, his mug nearly crashing to the duvet. “I’m sorry. Stay.”

“Okay.”

Having verbal confirmation that Ashton wanted him there calmed him, but there was still the matter of him not talking. Calum sighed, hand combing through Ashton’s fluffy hair. He hadn’t spent the time he usually did fixing it in front of the mirror, just blow-drying it, and now his curls were looser. Calum liked that his fingers could card lightly through it without product getting in the way. It was incredibly soft.

Ashton had relaxed infinitesimally, taking little sips of the hot chocolate, but he was still quietly crying, tears mixing with the beverage. Calum felt uneasy.

When Ashton finally finished the drink Calum’s neck was starting to cramp, forced as he had been to have it straight. He didn’t say anything though. Ashton had little by little let himself borrow back into his chest, making Calum tighten his hold on him. But the tears weren’t stopping. Calum had reached once or twice to wipe them away, but that had only made Ashton let out a pained sound, so he hadn’t tried again.

Ashton sat up a little, stretching to leave his mug on the table before burrowing back into Calum’s chest, this time resting his face in the crook of his neck, his knees drawn up, making himself small on Calum’s hold. It was difficult for Calum to stay silent now that he could feel Ashton’s tears wetting his sleep tee.

“Ash?”

The older boy hummed to let him know he had heard Calum’s whisper, but he stayed hidden in his neck.

“You want to go back to sleep?” Calum asked hesitantly. When Ashton let out a quiet sob, he hurried to add. “I’ll stay.”

Ashton clutched his t-shirt, but didn’t answer any other way.

“Or…” Calum tried swallowing the knot on his throat, it wouldn’t do any good for him to start crying too. Even if having Ashton hiding himself in his arms made him want to. “Or we can watch a film.” No answer. “Or talk.” Ashton tensed at that, Calum hurrying to correct himself. “Or do nothing. We don’t have to do anything.”

He squeezed Ashton tighter against him, the hold Calum had around his back bringing him closer. Ashton took a shuddery breath, sniffling against his neck. It was breaking Calum’s heart to see Ashton so… broken. So completely torn over just a single nightmare. It was a part of Ashton he didn’t know, hadn’t been privy to, but Calum didn’t care. He knew Ashton enough for his heart to shatter into a million pieces just looking into his eyes when Ashton looked up at him.

“Just tell me what you need.” Calum whispered. “I hate seeing you like this, Ash.”

Ashton’s eyes closed as if he couldn’t take Calum looking at him, couldn’t take him reading his feelings so plainly written in his features. There were still fresh tears falling from his eyes, but at least Calum hadn’t sent him into another fit of crying. He hadn’t fucked up again. _Yet._

Ashton sat up, releasing Calum’s hold on him, stroking his hand up and down on Calum’s arm. First time he had ever initiated contact for more than two seconds without crying.

“Can you lie down with me?”

Ashton’s voice was no louder than a breath, but Calum still heard it, nodded frantically in his haste to reassure him.

“Yeah. I can do that. Yeah.”

Ashton sent him a watery smile, climbing inside the covers and waiting for Calum to do the same. Once he was on his side facing Ashton, Calum felt him reaching for his hand, linking their fingers. Calum brought his free hand towards Ashton’s back, index tracing random patterns into the skin his tee had left uncovered when Ashton climbed into bed.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, but then Ashton was crowding against him, making Calum roll left on his back, and Ashton was laying his head on his chest, left hand releasing Calum’s allowing him to sneak it around his back, holding him again. Ashton rested his right palm over Calum’s heart. It seemed like Ashton was getting ready for sleep, so when he opened his mouth, barely a sound escaping, Calum was positively surprised.

“Can I tell you about her?”

Ashton sounded so small, so _young_ ,… There was fear in his voice that Calum wouldn’t want to hear about her, about Bec… He couldn’t be more wrong.

“Yeah.” Calum muttered back. “Yeah, of course you can, Ash. I’d love to know her.”

Ashton’s relieved breath hit the side of his neck, making a shiver run through his spine. Even the older’s whole body seemed to have relaxed after finally giving in to talking. Calum wondered if he ever had talked about this with anyone, back home. It sounded like Ashton had been keeping it all inside for a very long time. Keeping all this hurt inside… Not relying on anyone…

That had to have felt lonely.

Calum felt a surge of feelings for this beautiful boy in his arms, who seemed broken but had to have been more than simply strong to keep himself together for almost a year without confiding in anyone, alone in a new country. He pressed a hard kiss against his temple, feeling Ashton sigh before taking a deep breath.

“She was…” Ashton started, voice catching right in the first word, making him stop and breathe and try again. “For the longest time, Bec was the only one who ever stayed. She knew me better than anyone. And she was funny. I miss her humour every single day, always seeing the best of things. She was so fucking good. It’s just… She was an inspiration, she really was.”

Calum listened attentively as Ashton talked about Bec. He had never said, but it was clear from the love in his voice that Bec had been more than a friend.

“How did you two meet?” Calum mused, his fingers catching on the hem of Ashton’s tee and continuing to explore the skin below it. Ashton’s breathing was calmer now, tears seemingly stopped for the time being.

“We met when I was like… 14, I think.” Calum smiled at the thought of teenager Ashton. That was something he would have liked to see. “Her family had just moved into town, she was new at my school. Her brother was in my class, I met her because Otto and I had to work on a project together. We hit it off instantly.”

Ashton took a moment to breathe, and Calum chanced a kiss upon his curls, tickling his chin. Even through the hurt he could hear fondness sipping into Ashton’s voice. These people were important to him.

“At first it was the three of us, always together.” Ashton chuckled, but then his tone turned a bit darker. “I didn’t have many friends before that, and the ones I did have weren’t close ones. Bec and Otto… They were there for me when people started saying stuff about me at school, when I went out with my first boyfriend.”

Calum would like to say he could relate, but fortunately for him he never had to deal with anything. Sometimes he suspected Michael had had something to do with that.

“People usually don’t seem to get bisexuality or something.” Ashton muttered, a pained sigh leaving him. Calum squeezed him closer, trying to convey support without interrupting Ashton. He felt if he did, maybe Ashton would stop sharing and retreat back to the shell he had carefully constructed around him.

“Bec and Otto did understand. I had never met someone so understanding outside of my family before that, but they…, they were.”

Calum was beginning to understand how losing Bec had had such an impact on Ashton’s life, and still… Still he felt like there was a _lot_ more to it.

“At the end of the secondary school we didn’t hang out with Otto as much, he had made friends with people from his swimming team.” Ashton stopped just to take a breath, repositioning his head on Calum, his lips now grazing his chest. “It wasn’t like, tragic.” Ashton hurried to add, some laughter escaping him.

That little sound made Calum feel more relief than anything else could have. Even if Ashton’s memories of his teenage years were tinted with sadness because of Bec’s passing, he could still laugh and smile when talking about it. It was a good sign, Calum knew it firsthand.

“We were still friends, all three or us, Otto just… Drifted a little. Although not too much, because we still got a place together, Otto and me, for uni. Bec joined us the next year. I had–” Ashton sighed. “I tried to deny my crush on her so many times before. I’m not sure when it started. She was just–” Ashton huffed, shaking his head a little as a small smile stretched over his lips. “She had this hilarious black humour, you would never know if she was actually kidding or serious even if you knew her properly.”

Ashton giggled a little, prompting a smile from Calum too. The sheer warmth that was pouring out of Ashton’s voice…

“She was studying Law, she wanted to be a public defender, but it… The way her personality meshed with that was completely unexpected, but so… _her_.” Ashton chuckled. “She had a passion for helping people.”

“Like you.”

Calum couldn’t help it, it just slipped off. Ashton didn’t mind, apparently, because he nodded faintly.

“Yeah.” Ashton exhaled. “Yeah.”

Calum resumed stroking Ashton’s back, slowly. Ashton was lost in thought, his eyes trained on the place he was resting his hand against Calum’s heart. It was quiet for a while, but it wasn’t a charged silence like before. It was more breathable.

“She was my _best_ _friend_.” Ashton mused, his tone hinting the smile had slipped away from his face.

Calum felt as he moved around in his hold, bringing up his knees, throwing one leg over his. Ashton was trying to make himself smaller again, Calum knew the tactic well.

“Sometimes I wake up and I don’t remember it at first?” There was something in that sentence that made Calum feel a lump in his throat. “Then the memories come crashing down on me, hard.”

There were tears prickling in the corner of Calum’s eyes, Ashton’s experience hitting somewhat close to home.

The older boy had fallen silent again, breathing deeply as if he was trying not to cry, and Calum steeled himself. This wasn’t the moment for him to cry. Ashton had clearly gone through something traumatic, Calum needed to be there for him.

“She was 22.” Ashton let out, tears starting to fall down his face again.

Calum felt his heart throbbing at the hurt in Ashton’s features, and even if he knew he was probably fucking it up, he muttered the question he had been too scared to ask ever since Ashton told him about losing Bec.

“How did she–”

Calum stopped mid question, Ashton going taut as a wire in his arms. He certainly hadn’t expected Calum to ask. Calum hadn’t expected it himself. But then Ashton was taking a deep breath, as if he had decided something, relaxing again into Calum’s hold, wiping his own tears before he started to talk, softly.

“She was coming to pick me up, at the ED. I had finally kissed her the week before, at some party. Well, we had sex that night. I had liked her for so long, and we… We were kind of drunk–” Ashton’s winced, and suddenly Calum understood why Ashton had been so worried last night after they stopped. Why sex had boundaries for Ashton now even if he himself tried to push them and make them disappear. “It just kind of happened. Next morning we woke up naked together, and it wasn’t like we didn’t remember _anything_ , but… It made it awkward.”

Four hours ago, Ashton’s expression on his face when he had thanked Calum for stopping,… it made much more sense now. Ashton tightened his fist in Calum’s tee for a moment, inhaling deep as if he was preparing for something.

“It was awkward for a week.” He resumed. “We couldn’t look each other in the eye. Then she came into my room and locked us in until we talked about everything. We…” Ashton smiled faintly, but it was a sad smile. “We agreed to see where it could go. The two of us _together_. She said she’d had a crush on me since high school.”

Ashton let out a disbelieving tut as if the mere thought of someone having a crush on him was risible.

“Bec said I was dense, that I should’ve noticed way earlier than that stupid party.” The chuckle that escaped Ashton’s lips was nothing near a happy sound. “I asked her out. We were supposed to get breakfast together.”

Calum couldn’t imagine what could have happened to Bec, but having lost her on the day Ashton finally got her… That hadn’t had to have been easy. With all the details Ashton was giving him Calum was piecing it all together now. Ashton’s hesitance that first time he had been about to kiss him on the bridge. Why he had cried and ran away when Calum kissed him under the mistletoe. Why Ashton had avoided him, hadn’t wanted to get closer to him, to start anything. It all made perfect sense. There was just the final piece missing. And he knew Ashton was about to give it him, because he had started crying again, clutching Calum as if he was a lifeline. Calum could do nothing else but hold him, stroke his hair, leave kisses wherever he could reach.

The older boy tried sobering up after a moment, releasing his hold on Calum’s shirt and wiping his tears yet again. Sniffling. Blinking several times trying to will the tears away. Calum waited patiently.

“I had just finished my shift.” Ashton’s voice was faint, like he had lost all strength. “I was walking up to meet her halfway. I ran into an ambulance, paramedics I knew working there. One of them brought me away from the crowd before I could see anything, he sat me down.”

His tone was devoid of emotion now, like he had just switched it off, being unable to handle it. Calum was holding his breath.

“I remember he was talking to me, but all I could do was focus on the shoes of the woman they were tending at the sidewalk. Would’ve recognised them anywhere.”

Ashton stopped, holding his breath too for a moment. And then.

“She had a sudden cardiac arrest. Her heart went into ventricular fibrillation. Neither CPR nor the defibrillator could do anything. She died on the sidewalk.”

It was strange, hearing Ashton talk like this. No warmth. Just facts. It was like it wasn’t even him talking. Like some emotionless machine had replaced him, took his memories.

Calum’s eyes travelled the room. He didn’t know what to say. A million different things had gone through his head when imagining Bec’s death. But this… This was cold, a cruel way of taking a person from someone’s life. All deaths were cruel. But this. So… Unexpected. Calum at least had had a little time to come to terms with it, when he lost–.

“She was…” Ashton muttered against his chest, breaking him out of his thoughts. His dangerous thoughts. “Bec had been typing back a message, when it happened.”

_Fuck._

“I read it. After.” Ashton breathed. “Said she couldn’t wait to see me. She missed me even if it had only been twelve hours.”

Ashton seemed to lose the little strength he had left, going boneless in Calum’s arms. Like having told the story had rendered him useless, like the toll of sharing his pain was losing emotions all together. He wasn’t even crying anymore. His eyes had gone dry.

Calum stayed stroking his hair for what felt like hours but were probably no more than just a few minutes. There were no consolation words enough for what Ashton had lived through. There were, for everyone who lost someone, but with wounds this deep they never helped much. Only gave temporary comfort. So he focused on giving Ashton someone he could rest on even if that wasn’t much either.

Ashton’s hand had snaked back to his heart, and Calum had the weird realisation that maybe Ashton was trying to verify his heart was beating. It was sweet –albeit a bit disturbing–. He felt the older boy sigh quietly before he mumbled against his chest.

“It’s been a year, Calum.” Ashton sounded defeated. “I feel like I should be over this. There’s people who have it way worse than me.”

Calum’s heart throbbed, his hand stopping on Ashton’s hair.

“Everyone grieves differently, Ash. You can’t expect to be like anyone else.” He had to cough a little, his voice rough from not speaking and tight, trying to get past the lump in his throat. “And what if you need more time? It’s not like there’s a rule for this stuff.”

Ashton hummed to let him know he had heard, but didn’t seem to agree with it, because he shook his head a little, tickling Calum’s chin.

“I still feel like I have no right to feel this way.” Calum frowned at that. _Have a right to feel?_ “We weren’t together, Cal. It’s not like I knew what it was to be in love with her, not the ‘real’ kind.”

_What._

“The _real_ kind?”

 _What did Ashton even mean with that?_ Calum blinked a couple of times. He didn’t follow Ashton’s logic behind this one. It made even less sense when he used it as a reason not to feel how he felt. Like that lack of ‘realness’ didn’t allow him to grieve.

“You know, the way you know it’s true.” Ashton started. “After a while of being in a relationship with a person and then you know you are in love. For real. You can’t properly be in love without at least some reciprocating feelings.” Calum’s frown deepened at that. “I didn’t even get to _be_ with her.”

Calum sighed. He had to be careful with what he said right now, Ashton was completely laying bare his thoughts, trusting him with them. Calum openly challenging his own ideas wouldn’t do any good. It most probably would force him back into his shell, push him away. So he took a deep breath, letting his left hand find Ashton’s chin, tilting it up until he was able to look at his eyes. This was important.

“Ash, you knew her since secondary school. You went to uni together, lived together. Bec was your _best friend._ That _is_ love.” Calum saw the pain behind Ashton’s mask, wondered how he had glossed over it before. “I don’t really get what you’re saying about real love, don’t think I understand it. But I do think–.” Ashton was looking up at him, hanging on every word. He looked like a child looking for guidance. It made Calum feel uneasy. He wasn’t exactly an adult, and he was for sure not the best person to give advice on this exact topic. “I think that no one has a say in what you were feeling _but_ you. Everyone is different. We are all different. It’s impossible to find two people who love exactly the same. Who grieve exactly the same after loving and losing someone.”

Ashton kept looking at him for several long seconds before he closed his eyes and let his head rest against his chest again, his right hand sliding upward and stroking lightly over Calum’s collarbone.

“I know.”

His answer was so soft that if Calum hadn’t been completely focused on every sound and movement coming from the older boy, he would have missed it.

Maybe Calum should open up about his own tapped away memories too. Ashton had just stripped down every layer of protection around his heart. He had trusted Calum with a secret he had kept to himself for almost a year, suffering alone. Maybe… Maybe talking with Ashton would help him, too. Maybe telling him…

Oh god, he had only ever talked about it with Michael, and that was because his best friend had had to come and force him out of the state he had gotten himself into. He hadn’t even talked to Mali about it. Hadn’t wanted to worry her, hadn’t wanted to discuss it with his parents. He wasn’t sure why, but the resentment hadn’t faded away. Not even when he understood why they did what they did.

Ashton had gone silent after their exchange, probably thinking about it. His hand was still caressing Calum’s neck. It felt good. It felt good knowing Ashton trusted him with his pain. Trusted him enough to tell him everything. What felt bad was Calum knowing he hadn’t trusted Ashton with his own. Hadn’t wanted to seem like he needed attention that he was somehow overshadowing Ashton’s pain. He felt like talking about himself would be selfish, knowing Ashton was suffering way worse. And still there was a pull in his heart that made him want to open up. If he kept his own worries and heartache to himself, was he even deserving of Ashton’s vulnerability?

Unwillingly, his eyes filled with tears, his throat constricted. It wouldn’t do good for him to break out crying right now. So he blinked the tears away before opening a door he hadn’t in quite a while. Certainly not with other people.

“You know.” Ashton’s hand paused for a beat, waiting on him to continue. “I lost my Nan two summers ago.”

It was like time had stopped. Calum held his breath, not believing he had actually acknowledged it. Had uttered the words out loud, for someone else to hear. He was nervous of how Ashton was going to react. Calum should have just stayed shut. This wasn’t the best time for him to talk about this. Ashton needed his comfort, not Calum talking about himself. Fuck. He should have just stayed silent. Kept it in.

“I…” Ashton craned his neck a little, stretching until he reached Calum’s cheek, leaving a feathery kiss there. He scooched up, after. This time when he laid back down his eyes were at the same height as Calum’s. “I didn’t know, Cal. I’m sorry.” Calum nodded, not trusting himself to speak. “Were you close with her?”

Calum closed his eyes, saw his Nan’s face, smiling at him as she kneeled to get on his line of sight, offering him a cookie. Saw her crying on his secondary school graduation. Saw her laughing as Calum opened up a present, fondness in her eyes.

“Yeah.” He exhaled. “I was.”

Ashton nuzzled his neck, his arm stretching over his tummy in search of Calum’s hand. Once he linked their fingers, he brought it up and kissed him lightly. It could have been just a comforting gesture, but somehow Calum felt as if Ashton was waiting on him to continue talking. To continue sharing.

“During the last years I was away at uni, though, far from home.” He got admitted into Glasgow, knew their Physics department was one of the best in the country. He could have been near home. But then Durham admitted him too, admitted his application for a student grant. It was _Durham_ . He _had_ to go. “I didn’t call much, only saw her during school holidays.”

That would always weight down in his heart. But he had fancied himself so busy with school life and being away from home that he had forgotten what was important.

“I should’ve called more. Come back home more. Really gotten to _know_ her. Like not as my grandma. As a person.”

Ashton squeezed his hand a couple of times. A silent signal to let him know he was still listening. Still there.

His breath was hitting Calum’s neck, warm and rhythmic. It was comforting. As was Ashton’s solidity next to him. It allowed Calum to actually say the words he had needed to share with someone other than Mike. With someone who could maybe _understand_ , even it was just a little.

“At first, I didn’t really register it? How she could just be… gone. Just like that.” It still felt incredibly _odd_ to him. “I didn’t have the summer to grieve, didn’t give myself the time. I threw myself at the internship at ESA, tucked my feelings into a tiny box in the corner of my mind labelled ‘to be sorted through later’ and left it at that. Then it was my final year, and I had to work my ass off.”

It had hurt, opening that box when the stress over being a trainee faded away into general school stress, when he was alone again, confronted by his own thoughts. It hadn’t been pretty.

“More days than most I’d end up crying myself to sleep. I…” Now that he had started, he couldn’t stop, it was like the story was being pulled out of him. “I stopped going to class. I tried to keep up with the coursework but… I slipped. Mike came to stay and straightened me up enough so I wouldn’t fuck up my acceptance here. It still didn’t go away.”

He had carried it in his heart, weighing him down. Had stopped thinking about school, how could he. Thank god, Michael had come before it was too late. Calum felt ashamed of the state he had gotten himself into, but Michael had just got him back up on his feet, never even judging him.

Ashton's thumb was stroking the back of his palm. Silent reassurance. He knew Calum wasn't finished.

“My nan got me my first telescope, you know?” Calum sighed. “She was a strong woman, and lively, and so headstrong it was kind of funny. We would more often than not butt heads but… She was always there for me.”

Calum still missed her every day. Got tense when Mali mentioned her in passing. Avoided memories of his childhood; the times she had taught him how to cook, when he talked to her about the stars.

“She sounds lovely.” Ashton muttered in his neck, voice faint. But it was warm again. “I'd have really liked to meet her.”

Calum sniffled, wiping out some tears that had fallen unwittingly from the corner of his eyes. He would not _give in_ to crying. If he did he wouldn't stop.

“The thing is.” He started, pausing a moment to clear his throat. “I still haven't gotten over it, Ash. I still cry every time I remember her. I can't look at pictures of her.” Calum confessed with a shudder. “I didn't get to say goodbye.”

“Huh?”

Calum swallowed. This was the trickiest part for him. Because he understood _why_ his parents acted the way they did, but it still hurt. It still made him feel like he had feelings that would never –could never– be resolved.

“I was down here, at Cambridge. Preliminary interview for the Masters, actually. We knew it was the final stage of the cancer, the doctors said so. I wanted to go back home and be there with everyone. I wanted to be there for her.” _He_ _should have been there_. “But my parents insisted the interview was more important and to go up just after I finished. They said there was _time._ So I did that, and I rushed back home.”

Calum still remembered walking up to his front door, Michael standing behind him, his dad coming out to welcome him. Michael had driven them both there, saying he was visiting his parents –a lie, he had confessed later. Mali had called him with the news, asked him please not to say anything–. Calum had looked at his dad, not understanding anything. It was weird, because his dad was supposed to be at his Nan's house, with the rest of the family.

“When I got there, I found out she passed away during the night before. No one had told me anything, to not get me nervous about the interview.”

“Cal.”

Ashton's pained voice echoed on his chest. Calum had to shake his head, close his eyes so he would not crumble.

“I mean. I understand why they thought that was best. I do, really.” He had even understood the very moment his dad had brought him into a hug in their front door, not even saying anything. “But I can’t help but feel _I should have been there_. I can’t help but feel like they denied me the chance to say goodbye.”

There were a few tears falling from his eyes, and he leaned into the touch when Ashton wiped them away with his hand. He still kept his eyes closed. Ashton was propped up on his elbow now, gently cupping his face, and Calum didn’t want to open up his eyes and find Ashton’s looking down at him. He shouldn’t even have brought it up. He shouldn’t have. Ashton was dealing with his own heartbreak, he shouldn’t have to listen to him whining about not being able to say goodbye. _Ashton_ hadn’t been able to say goodbye. Calum had had multiple opportunities before. Ashton hadn’t. He felt stupid now.

Calum shuddered, trying to reel in his emotions, but Ashton nuzzled him again and he just couldn’t. He let out a pained sob, still trying to keep it to a minimum. He wasn’t going to make such a deal out of this. Ashton was stroking his cheeks softly.

“Your Nan would have wanted you to get that place in the masters, Calum.” He said gently. Calum opened his eyes, blinking a little. Ashton was trying to smile at him, tenderly. It almost brightened up his face. As much as it could be brightened right now. “She loved you, and she’d have wanted you to not miss the opportunity. I’m sure she knew how important it was to you.”

“I know. I _know_.” He answered hastily. He brought his own hand up, rubbing his eyes furiously, trying to stop crying. “The thing is. Even if I rationalise it, I can’t make it go away, can’t make my feelings disappear. We don’t work that way, Ash.” He sighed, sniffling, before adding in a more composed voice, “Neither of us do.”

Ashton lied down again, cuddling against him, his hand finding a place over Calum’s heart. This time Calum was sure it was to feel it beating. He was quietly crying again, and Calum felt like an asshole for having caused that, he was the direct cause. Ashton had stopped before. He was crying now because of Calum. He should have kept his mouth shut.

Calum tried to roll on his side, face Ashton again. He was an asshole, but he needed a proper hug right now, so he tightened the arm he had around Ashton, circling him with his left too. A relieved sob escaped him when Ashton returned it.

It took a while, but eventually both of them calmed down enough. Ashton had hidden his face in his neck, again. His arms had snaked around Calum’s hips, keeping him close.

“I don’t think Bec’s death will ever stop hurting.” He confessed, faintly. Almost as if he was scared of saying it out loud. Calum squeezed him closer.

“Maybe not completely.” He whispered back. “But you will make peace with it, Ash. It will fade to bearable. It wouldn’t be right that it would stop hurting all-together. You’re allowed to miss her.”

Ashton closed his eyes, silent tears falling down onto the bed. Calum wanted to wipe them away, but they scurried down the bridge of Ashton’s nose quickly, falling faster as Ashton cried harder.

“It’s just…” Ashton sobbed. “It’s not just about what we could have been. She was 22. She had her whole life ahead of her, and the stupid cardiac arrest…” He stopped, trying mouthing to breathe. “She didn’t have any antecedents with relatives. It just _happened_ . Out of nowhere. She had a diagnosed heart murmur, but afterwards they said it hadn’t been that. A-and she was in ALS for the maximum time, and… And she still _died_ . She didn’t _deserve_ to die. She didn’t.”

Calum clutched him closer, tucking his chin over Ashton’s head, letting Ashton cry on him, just…

“I am so, so sorry, Ashton.” His own voice was wobbling.

Bec hadn’t deserved that, but Ashton didn’t deserve it either. To lose her. To watch her die. Calum couldn’t even imagine what that would have felt like. He didn’t want to know, either.

He couldn’t really do anything else than just stay there holding Ashton as he sobbed, caressing his hair, kissing his forehead. Hugging him tight. If Ashton needed to let it out, he was just going to have to weather it. Not that he minded. Calum felt a weird sense of pride in knowing that Ashton was trusting him to hold him; that he wasn’t afraid to cry. It made the tears quietly falling down from Calum’s own eyes feel a little better.

Eventually, they both stopped crying. Exhausted or because they had run out of tears, Calum didn’t know. He knew if he just slipped his eyes close and relaxed he would swiftly drift off in Ashton’s arms. He felt sleep tainting the edge’s of his consciousness, his eyelids growing heavy. Ashton’s rhythmic breathing was helping him feel at ease too. He didn’t expect it when the older boy opened his mouth.

“Tell me about your tattoos. I want to know.” Ashton’s voice was soft, like he didn’t want to speak too loud, didn’t want to disturb the silence of the night.

“Now? And sleep?” Calum couldn’t help the protesting sound that escaped his mouth, sleep sounded incredibly _good_ right now. With Ashton back in his arms.

“We can sleep in tomorrow.” Ashton whispered back. “You don’t have work until 1pm.”

Calum hummed. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to tell Ashton about them. In fact Calum was surprised he hadn’t asked before. He had seemed fascinated by the initials in his hands, Calum had kind of expected him to ask about the rest. Which… He had almost forgotten how flustered Ashton had turned when Luke had started teasing him about having a thing for tattoos. A slight smirk tugged up the corner of his lips before he cupped Ashton’s face, making him face him.

“I have to take my shirt out for that, will you be able to handle it?” He teased, trying to look sexy and completely failing. He broke out laughing, Ashton’s offended expression spurring him on.

“Yes.” He mumbled, cheeks a brilliant red.

Calum huffed a laugh.

“Okay.”

He smiled, kissing the tip of Ashton’s nose before untangling himself and sitting up, Ashton soon copying him. He took his shirt out, stifling another laugh when Ashton’s eyes trained on his chest. It was mildly embarrassing too, and he felt colour rising to his own cheeks. But then Ashton’s eyes travelled lower, and his brow furrowed.

“Didn’t know you had had appendicitis.” He whispered, stretching his hand and stroking over Calum’s faint scar.

“Well, you haven’t seen me without a shirt.” He chuckled.

“When was that?”

“I was like, 8, I think.” He couldn’t remember if he had been 7 or 8, memories from that time were starting to blur together. “We were going to visit mum’s family in New Zealand, but my appendix burst so, I fucked up family vacation before we even got to the airport.”

Ashton nodded, his fingertips still lightly tracing the scar.

“That why you’ve never visited?”

“It’s far.”

Ashton looked up at that, a slight chuckle escaping his lips. Calum felt warm.

“I _know_.”

Calum laughed in response, shaking his head a little.

After that it was a while of Ashton pointing out tattoos, caressing over them, making goosebumps erupt in Calum’s skin as he recounted when he got them, _why_ he got them. Ashton’s eyes turned soft each time one of his tattoos had to do with family, smiling warmly at him, making warmth spread from Calum’s own heart onwards. He was interested too in the ones he got just for kicks, saying how they let him understand Calum better.

It was nice, calm. Whispering back a forth, their eyes red-rimmed, but gentle smiles in both their faces. There was something shining in the back of Ashton’s eyes, that something that made Calum feel like he could fit into Ashton’s life, like the older boy wanted him to.

It was nice, until.

“And the autumn leaf?” Calum had been dreading this one. Not even Michael knew he had gotten it. No one knew. “It’s the only coloured one.”

Ashton’s voice let out the wonder he felt, Calum inhaling shakingly as Ashton’s fingers stroked over the side of his ribs.

“That’s…” He breathed in deep. “I got that for my Nan.”

There must have been something in his voice, because Ashton looked up sharply, retreating his fingers,

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No, it’s not…” Calum shook his head. “I can talk about this with you.” He had already talked with Ashton about the worst, so he could talk about this, couldn’t he? It was kind of embarrassing to explain the why behind the choice of tattoo, so he looked away for a moment from Ashton’s curious eyes as he started the explanation. “I’ve always been a fan of Ed Sheeran –don’t look at me like that.”

Ashton was amused, trying to stifle a laugh behind his hand, mirth shining in his eyes when Calum looked at him, red rising once again to his cheeks. But Ashton stopped laughing quickly, bringing up his hand and caressing Calum’s face as if he couldn’t help himself.

“No, no.” He looked apologetic for a second, but then he was smiling again. This time serenely. “What was the word you used yesterday? Fit. Yeah. It _fits_ you.”

His hand hadn’t left Calum’s face, stroking his cheek and staying there.

“Can I go on?” Calum rolled his eyes, chuckling a little. “Well. Always been a fan. I went to his gigs before he hit it big. There was this _song_ , Autumn Leaves. He wrote it for a friend, I think. It… resonated with me. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t lost anyone close. Not yet.”

It had been weird, feeling so moved by a song about losing someone dear, when he hadn’t even experienced it yet. When he didn’t know what it _was_.

“Last year, when my grandma got diagnosed, this song came on my shuffle in my playlist. It was like the worst omen.” He sighed. Ashton was looking at him attentively. “I forgot about it, though, until after the funeral. And then… It became this _thing_ for me. Me Nan. Thought I could honour her, have her with me.”

At the moment it had felt fitting, he had intended getting a tattoo for her anyway, so why not? Now he didn’t think it had been one of his greatest ideas.

“It’s stupid.” He mumbled, his eyes falling to the comforter, bunching it up in his fist and slowly letting it go.

“It’s not stupid, Cal. It’s not.” Ashton’s thumb stroked over his cheek again, before letting his hand fall down. “It’s beautiful.”

Calum nodded just to answer something. He felt weird now, a weird weight pressing on his chest, erasing the lightness of the moment prior, when Ashton had been laughing trying to decipher his _Skywards_ tattoo.

“Can we go to sleep now? I’m sorry, I just… I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I thought I could but.” He sighed, turning around and sliding back down, resting his head in the pillow. He could feel Ashton hesitating behind him. It made him feel even worse all of a sudden. “I shouldn’t even have started talking about this, you have your own issues an–”

“Calum stop.” Ashton’s hand in his shoulder cut him. He was sliding down too, cuddling up to Calum’s back. “It’s true, we’re both a little fucked up. But you can talk to me about it. You’re not…” Calum heard Ashton breathing behind him, knew he was trying to find some words. “This isn’t seeking attention, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s sharing.”

How Ashton had caught on so quickly to his wavelength surprised him. He wasn’t used to being that open to read, it scared him a little.

“I know, I just.” He did know, this was good. Trusting each other was _good_ , but, “I’m sorry I started talking about myself. You just told me tonight about Bec and I–. I fucked up, I’m sorry.”

He mentally kicked himself. He should have stayed shut before, never even mentioned his grandma. There would have been better days, better moments to confide in Ashton. Days where he hadn’t just told him how the woman he loved _died._

Ashton sighed behind him, arm sneaking over Calum’s stomach, a silent gesture of protection. It made Calum feel actually worse. Ashton shouldn’t be the one taking care of him, it should be the other way around.

“You shouldn’t be sorry.”

He stubbornly closed his eyes when he felt Ashton peering up over his shoulder.

“Calum, please don’t hide from me. Not now, please.”

Ashton was leaving a kiss on his cheek, warm breath hitting his face. Calum shook his head, eyes still closed.

“Losing my Nan is nothing compared to Bec’s death. My Nan had a life. A really long life.” He whispered.

“So what?” Ashton was trying to coach him into his back, trying to get him to open his eyes. “You said it before, to me. You’re allowed to miss her, Calum. You _are._ ”

Calum kept shaking his head no. If Ashton just dropped it, they could go to sleep, or he could make them some Camomile and Tilo tea, he could let Ashton borrow into his arms and comfort him. He should’ve done that _before_. Calum shouldn’t have ever talked about his Nan.

“I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“Please, don’t be, love.” His heart squeezed at the endearment. Coming from Ashton was rare even if everyone else in Calum’s life threw it around as a general greeting. Ashton wasn’t from here. He had _meant_ that. “You shouldn’t be sorry, Calum.”

He kept his eyes shut. Ashton left a kiss on Calum’s cheek, hand stroking back a few curls that had fallen over.

“Hey, look at me.”

There was something in Ashton’s voice that made him finally open up his eyes, saw him looking down at him with worry, but bending down to leave a kiss on Calum’s lips. It was over before Calum could even reciprocate.

“We’re both on the same boat, yes?” Ashton started. “You’ve helped me so, _so_ much, Calum. You can’t even know how much. How much it’s meant to me that I met _you_ , that we crossed paths, that you wanted me, even after knowing I was damaged. You _stayed_ even after only knowing me _one day_ , and that meant the world.”

Calum shivered at the words, blinking a couple of times. His eyes had blurred. He wanted to have a clear vision of Ashton right now. His heart still told him he had derailed the important conversation about Ashton’s past with his own thing, that it had been wrong of him to do so. But Ashton was saying nice things to him, making him feel warm inside. It was painful having the two emotions fighting for control inside him.

“Tell me how I can help you.” Ashton whispered. “Cal, you deserve to heal too.”

He closed his eyes at that, Ashton’s gaze too intense for him to hold for long. He was kind of scared.

“It’s. Ugh.” He groaned, sinking into the pillow. He felt Ashton nuzzling his neck. It felt oddly comforting. “I don’t know, Ash. It’s been so long. I should’ve gotten over this. I should’ve.”

Ashton’s chuckle felt jarring in his ears, like it didn’t belong in this conversation. But it still was a fact, and he opened his eyes again to find Ashton grinning at him.

“I’m repeating your own words here.” Ashton raised his eyebrows before continuing, his grin diluting into something less bright, but realer. “You should listen to your own advice. It’s not _maths_ , everyone grieves differently.”

Calum felt a giggle coming up his throat, unwittingly. He let it out as strange as it was. Then sighed, bringing one of his arms up and resting it in his face.

“I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not.” Ashton giggled back, settling back down, his head pillowed on Calum’s right arm, his lips gently leaving a kiss near his collarbone.

It was quiet for a moment. Calum felt like there was something he needed to say, something he needed Ashton to know.

“Thanks for telling me. About Bec.” He whispered. “It means a lot.”

Ashton’s head dragged along his chest as he nodded softly, pecking him again, sighing, this time contently. There was a beat before Ashton answered, tentatively.

“It means a lot to me too that you trusted me, Cal.” He paused, as if he was worried about what he was going to say next. “Don’t… don’t hide yourself from me, please.”

He propped up on his elbow once more, his face lightening up as if he just thought of something. Calum arched an eyebrow, curious. And then.

“I want to know what you're going through, Calum. _Scars_ _and all._ ”

Calum's heart stopped for a second, remembering his own words to Ashton. Then he smiled, leaning up and catching Ashton's mouth in a kiss. He closed his eyes, sighing when it ended, keeping Ashton's forehead touching his. When he opened his eyes, they were shining.

“Yeah. _Scars and all._ ”

***

“Do you always keep a jar of Marmite on your backpack?”

Calum stopped mid-spread on his toast, turning back to look at Ashton, leaning on the archway of the kitchen, coffee mug tight in his hands.

“What?” He chuckled.

“I just saw you–” Ashton said, straightening up, taking a step towards him, “–drawing out a jar of Marmite, from your backpack.”

 _Fuck._ _He had been caught._ He let the knife fall down to his plate, raising his arms in surrender looking at Ashton, and plastered what he thought was a contrite enough smile.

“I was entering Aussie territory, so I came prepared?” He chanced.

Ashton looked completely serious, but his eyes were sparkling and he broke out laughing before leaving the mug and circling Calum’s hip with his arms, bringing him close and kissing him. Calum sighed through the kiss, a little dazed from the sudden affection.

“You’re ridiculous.” Ashton muttered, pecking him again before untangling himself and picking up his coffee mug, taking another sip. “And, come on. I’ve tried Marmite. Vegemite is way tastier.”

Calum scrunched up his face. No, it _wasn’t_.

“My uncle brought back some when he came to visit, I _disagree_.”

Ashton laughed again, hiding his face behind the mug as he drank before turning around and walking back to the sofa.

“You’re cute when you frown.” Ashton tossed casually over his shoulder, making Calum spurt up.

He could feel his cheeks redden, and he shook his head. He needed food, he had woken up incredibly hungry, and he only had like an hour to have breakfast and a shower before he had to leave for work.

Ashton had woken up before him, Calum knew, because when he opened up his eyes, Ashton’s were too lucid to have just awoken. He had closed his eyes and sighed, memories of their talk slowly coming to the forefront of his thoughts. He had borrowed into Ashton’s arms then, intending on spending some quality time enjoying the calmness of the morning.

And enjoying it had led him to be rushing now, trying to prepare his toast quickly so he could have breakfast slash lunch with Ashton before hopping in the shower.

Something had been prickling the back of Calum’s mind before he fell asleep, and it hadn’t truly gone away this morning. Ashton had talked about being close with Otto, but he hadn’t really given the impression that it still stood today.

He grabbed his plate and his own mug –with builder’s tea, thank you very much–, and headed towards Ashton, contentedly sitting in the sofa, not having even turned on the TV.

Once he was seated, Calum faced him, suddenly nervous.

“Have you…” Maybe he shouldn’t ask. Ashton had never mentioned Otto to him before. Well, he hadn’t mentioned anything with details about his previous life. Not that Calum had asked. After Ashton told him brokenly that first time about Bec, Calum had kind of avoided the topic, not wanting to lose Ashton to thoughts of the past. He shouldn’t force it now. Not after last night. “Nevermind.”

Ashton turned, leaving his now empty cup on the coffee table, eyes curious.

“What?”

His voice sounded way too warm, traces of laughter from before tinting it, and Calum shouldn’t do this, but…

“Have you ever talked with Otto? After?” Ashton’s breath hitched, his eyes flitting uncomfortably through the room. Calum bit his lip. “You made it sound like you were close.”

Ashton breathed in deep, sliding closer to him on the couch, reclining on his back, his head against the shelves behind that served as separation from the kitchen.

“I… After the funeral, Otto went to stay home for a while.” He explained. Thankfully Calum hadn’t made him cry. “I couldn’t go home, too far from the hospital. I stayed alone at the flat. With the memories.”

That must have been a living hell. Staying alone, not having even Otto there.

“Is that when you…”

“Yeah, decided it was too much, I needed a change in scenery.” Ashton sighed and straightened up, looking at him again. “Started googling about coming here. Which exams I had to pass, which interviews.” He frowned for a moment, as if he wasn’t sure what to say next, lost in the memory. “I told Otto I was leaving. He didn’t say anything. Just hugged me, let me on my way.”

Calum nodded.

“So you haven’t talked since?”

“I called for his birthday in April.” Ashton offered up. “He called for mine. But apart from that, nothing.”

It was… That was wrong. He could tell Ashton missed this guy, hadn’t been –couldn’t have been– happy leaving him behind, cutting ties with him.

“You should call him, Ash.”

He drew Ashton’s hand from his lap, lacing their fingers together.

“Why, to revive everything?” Ashton chuckled. It wasn’t exactly a cheerful sound. “It’s… it’s not because of me. I don’t want him to hurt, either. He lost his _little sister_.”

Calum squeezed his hand. This wasn’t right. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he needed to do something about it. If it was him and Michael the ones who had distanced themselves, he would have wanted someone to care enough to help them talk again.

“He lost _you_ , too.”

Ashton nodded, letting out a deep breath. Then he turned and smiled at Calum, squeezing back.

“I know why you want me to call him.” He seemed hesitant. “I’ll think about it.”

“’Kay.” Calum surged forward, kissing him, before facing back towards the table and picking up one of his toasts.

He scarfed them down quickly, washing it up with his tea before it grew cold. And then he remembered something. He had thought about it before, but last night he had decided he would ask Ashton today. He had been afraid the older would say no, but now he wasn’t so sure. And Calum needed him close.

“I have to buy the ticket back home for Christmas.” He laid down casually.

“I know. Told you you should have bought it days ago.” Ashton replied.

The older boy had his phone in his hands, browsing through an online newspaper. Calum didn’t recognise it.

“I know you did.” He chuckled, nervously. “However, I was thinking…” He wasn’t going to let Ashton spend Christmas alone. He wasn’t. Even if he had to beg. Calum _would_ beg _. Okay, here it went._ “Would you want to come home with me?”

There was a moment he thought Ashton hadn’t heard –or hadn’t understood, because Calum had let it out in such a rush some words had mumbled together. He needed to remind himself sometimes that no one understood him when he spoke quickly. Much less when he was nervous, and his accent just seemed to thicken–.

Ashton was gaping at him, his mouth opening and closing like he didn’t know what to say, so apparently, he _had_ heard. Calum bit off the obvious joke about not catching flies, waiting for Ashton to _actually_ say something.

“To your parents’ house?” Ashton looked like a cartoon character, his eyes almost comically popping out of their sockets. Calum would have laughed any other time, but right now his heart was kind of in his throat with nerves. “Wouldn’t that be awkward?”

“Why?”

Ashton kept looking at him like he had sprouted a second head.

“We haven’t been together for a month and you’re asking me to _meet your family_?”

Calum snorted. He hadn’t really thought of it that way, he just didn’t want Ashton to stay alone for the holidays. Plus, Ashton himself had said when he met Calum that maybe he would make a trip up North during his holidays. Calum was just sliding in the possibility of the destination being his home. With an added bonus of, well, him.

“You would see snow! Snow is pretty. _You_ wanted snow. And a White Christmas.” He tried to sound convincing, but Ashton was still staring at him like he didn’t believe what he was hearing. “My family is just an accessory, you don’t even have to spend time with them.”

Ashton laughed, disbelieving.

“I…”

“Please?” Calum wasn’t above pleading. He would absolutely do it. “I want to spend Christmas with you.”

There was a mix of feelings playing on Ashton’s face, confusion, a hint of pain, but mostly there was warmth. He had liked that. However, he looked away, tsking.

“The Hemmings have invited me to di–”

“Ash.” Calum effectively cut him, pressing a hand to his knee. It wasn’t only that he didn’t want Ashton to spend Christmas alone. Calum didn’t feel too great himself about going back to his family. Last Christmas had been weird without his Nan there. Ashton being there with him would help ease the memories. “Please come? I want you there with me.” He whispered.

Ashton seemed to sense something in his tone because he didn’t fight back this time. Instead, he smiled tentatively as his eyes locked up with Calum’s.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” He conceded softly.

“Cool. Now we actually get to be together to celebrate our one month.”

***

“You biked here?” Ashton greeted him gaping as soon as he opened his door to find Calum sweating, out of breath, hair in complete disarray from the wind and the helmet. “I could’ve gone get you, Cal.”

Calum waved his hand, pecking Ashton.

“Don’t worry, I needed the exercise.”

Ashton frowned, ushering him in. Calum thanked it, because sweat had started to cool off in the evening breeze. It was freezing outside.

“Are you sure it was only that?” Ashton pressed, taking his helmet and backpack from him as he started climbing up the stairs. As enticing as the view in front of him was, Calum forced himself to look away.

“I may have wanted some time alone with my thoughts.” He confessed when they got upstairs. He was drenched in his clothes and was starting to feel yucky in his own skin.

“Okay.” Ashton’s answer was small, but Calum knew he would leave it at that.

After last night, it was like something had shifted in their relationship. Things seemed… serious. There was this new understanding between them, like they both knew this relationship had the foundations to keep on growing steady, to survive time. It should have scared Calum, did scare him a little, but it also brought an incredible amount of comfort. He just hoped Ashton felt the same way about it.

“I brought something to fill in besides leftovers for dinner. It’s in my bag. Souvlaki.”

He could see how Ashton’s ears perked up, anticipating his next question Calum just laughed.

“Baklavas?”

There was something akin to childlike wonder in Ashton’s expression. It made Calum’s heart melt. He needed to learn how to make these at home.

“How could I forget?”

Ashton regaled him with a beaming smile and a clap of his hands, happy that he would be eating his favourite dessert. Calum shook his head fondly at him.

“Can I have a shower?”

“Yeah, of course. You don’t have to ask, Cal.”

“’Kay.”

He pressed a kiss on Ashton’s cheek as he passed by him on his way to the bathroom, leaving him red-faced and smiling bashfully with his hands still inside Calum’s bag, taking out their dinner.

As soon as he stepped into the shower he groaned, the hot water cascading down his back and relaxing every muscle. It had been a while since Calum last cycled this much, and his sore thighs let him know they hadn’t liked it.

He was half-way to lathering his hair with shampoo –Ashton’s shampoo, oddly scented like kiwi fruit– when he heard the older boy laughing, talking with someone. He couldn’t figure out what he was saying through the wall between the bathroom and his bedroom, but Calum knew he was talking with another boy, by the sounds that filtered through the noise of the water falling in his head.

Had Ashton taken his suggestion that he called Otto? Because that guy didn’t sound like Luke. His voice was higher. Calum prayed it _was_ Otto. Ashton deserved to have him back. Deserved to have a friend he knew from before he moved still involved in his life.

With a sigh, he cut off the water, clutching his towel and drying himself up a bit before stepping out. He could hear Ashton clearer now. He sounded happy. Calum smiled. And then he cursed when he realised he came straight into the bathroom with no underwear or clothes to change into.

He came out of the bathroom in a towel, steam fogging up the mirror even when there was a current of cold air slipping through the door –Ashton said he had tried to fix it so it would close, but it never did–. He was apprehensive of just walking into Ashton’s bedroom when he was talking with someone else; he didn’t want to intrude. But it was cold, and he needed the clothes, so he just crossed over without giving it a second thought.

Ashton was in the bed, laptop balanced on his knees, glasses hanging low. His face was illuminated by the screen, only the bedside lamp turned on.

“Ash? Dude, I think reception’s bad again. You’re frozen.”

And indeed he was. Calum was too, one hand gripping the door handle and the other clutching the towel close. He felt himself blush when his eyes travelled to Ashton’s, who was staring at him, mouth hanging open, red in his cheeks.

“Ash? You there?”

Ashton coughed, pushing his glasses up and glancing to the screen again. Calum was paralysed at the door.

“I’m here. Sorry, Otto. Just… Got distracted.”

“Distracted?” The guy laughed, amused, making Ashton cover his face. Calum laughed a little in spite of himself. He couldn’t help it. Ashton was too frigging cute when flustered, and the way his eyes kept glancing back to him at the door, to Calum, made him feel good. Having your boyfriend ogling you was _good_ in a way Calum hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Is there someone else there, Ash? You keep glancing away.”

Ashton coughed again, blushing even harder.

“Yeah, uh… Remember I said I met someone?”

Calum was starting to get cold, but he couldn’t seem to move. He was hanging on Otto’s answer, because Ashton had implied Otto knew about his feelings for Bec, that he had practically blessed them together. He prayed and hoped this guy wouldn’t turn on Ash now.

“Yeah?” Otto asked, slowly. “Wait. They’re there? Introduce them to me!”

He seemed awfully excited, and that just made Calum’s heart warm up, sighing relieved. That could have gone another way. In a not so pleasant way. Calum was glad that Ashton had him back. That he wasn’t holding anything over Ashton for having moved on. For having Calum.

Ashton was looking softly at him, quiet smile overtaking his features, before he shook his head, laughing a little, answering without taking his eyes from Calum. The shiver that ran through Calum’s spine was a mixture of embarrassment and excitement. It made the hairs in the back of his neck stand up.

“He just came out of the shower, maybe later.” Ashton answered, finally lifting his gaze from Calum.

“So it’s a _he_ , huh?” Otto teased, and Calum took that as his cue to cross the rest of the way to the wardrobe and quickly grab a clean pair of boxers that may or may not have been Ashton’s.

He was leaving to get dressed in the bathroom when Otto said something else, making him stop and turn around to look at Ashton.

“How many _tattoos_?”

“ _Oh god_.” Ashton whined, covering his eyes.

“By the way you froze earlier I’d guess more than ten.” Otto laughed. “Am I right?”

Calum chortled. So Ashton’s things with tattoos wasn’t new. His boyfriend had slumped against the bed cushions, so Calum answered for him.

“It’s actually sixteen.”

Otto whistled on the other line, laughing, as Ashton grew as red a tomato. Calum giggled, delighted that something as simple as a few tattoos could get Ashton so flustered.

“I’m going to go get dressed.” He announced, heading for the door.

“I wanna see your face, mystery man!”

“In just a moment!”

He closed the door behind him, but Otto’s boisterous laugh could still be heard. He reminded him of a certain someone that also enjoyed teasing his so-called best friends.

Michael had come groaning under a pair of sunglasses that afternoon to work, whining about his headache, blaming Calum for letting him drink. The younger boy had almost hit him right there. But then Michael had seen _his_ eyes and stopped being annoying in a second. Calum had told him in broad terms –he’d never actually even think about telling him Ashton’s side of the story– about last night, Michael hanging on his every word as they checked inventory in the back of the store, away from curious ears. He had apologised again for getting Ashton drunk, for being assholish and going overboard with the teasing, and Calum had practically forgotten what Michael had been about to blurt out in the middle of playing cards. He forgave him, anyway.

Michael had said goodbye with a hug, a long hug. And Calum had just surrendered against him, basking in the comfort of someone that knew him almost better than he knew himself telling him opening up was good. That it was a _good move_. Telling him that Ashton was good for him. He had left quickly after that, surreptitiously wiping away a stray tear, and promising Michael he would be back to the flat tomorrow. Michael laughed and waved him off.

When Calum finally emerged from the bathroom fully clothed in his fleece pyjamas and fluffy socks, Ashton had vacated the bedroom, taken residency in the sofa with the laptop resting at the coffee table.

“And he’s back.” He greeted Calum with a smile before looking back down to the camera and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like _‘play nice, Otto.’._ Calum had to laugh.

“I am back.”

“And _I_ still haven’t seen your face, stranger.” Otto whispered-shouted from the screen just as Ashton tugged Calum down to the sofa, making him almost crash against his head. He laughed and slid over to take a sit on Ashton’s side, cuddling up into him eagerly as soon as Ashton opened his arm.

“Hi.” He waved at Otto.

“Hey!” The guy seemed athletic, mad-broad shoulders, and Calum remembered Ashton mentioning he was a swimmer. It made sense. Apart from that, he had a really kind face, the kind you trusted almost instantly.

“So. The dreaded talk.”

“ _Otto._ ”

“You know, Ash is like a little brother, even if we’re the same age. This sounds like complete garbage but, if you hurt him, I’m getting on a plane there and kicking your ass. Understood?”

Calum gulped.

“Aye.”

Then Otto’s face dissolved into pure delight.

“You’re _Scottish_? Oh my god, Ash, you should’ve led with that!”

***

“I _love_ your accent!”

Calum giggled, bouncing down on the bed next to Ashton, who raised one eyebrow behind his glasses.

“My what?”

“Your accent. Got so bloody Australian, it was cute to watch.” He continued giggling, it was just funny watching Ashton getting flustered over a compliment as simple as his _accent_ . “I guess talking with Otto brought it out of you. I _like_ it.”

Ashton laughed, pushing his glasses up, closing the book he had been reading before Calum crashed into bed.

Dinner had been a quiet but lovely affair. They had settled on the floor with cushions in front of the TV, Ashton insisting he had to make up for falling asleep during Interstellar last time. Also, there had been wine and candles, courtesy of Ashton. Calum felt positively wooed.

But he also was tired as shit. They hadn’t really slept much throughout last night, plus working today, plus the way back in his bike, plus studying while Ashton assured him he’d prepare dinner. He was _exhausted_. He opened his side of the bed and climbed inside, watching as Ashton took out his glasses, carefully leaving them on the bedside table, turning off the bed lamp.

“Long day, huh?” Ashton asked when they were finally laying down, facing each other.

Calum scooched closer and brought a hand over Ashton’s back, sighing contentedly and closing his eyes.

“Long day.”

He felt Ashton drawing up a finger up and down his arm, slowly. It was peaceful, not really a sound heard, all of Ashton’s neighbours probably sleeping already. He felt his eyes growing heavy with sleep, and even when he enjoyed the quietness of lying there with Ashton, he felt tempted to give into sleep.

“Cal.”

Ashton’s whisper brought him back a bit.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about last night?” Ashton seemed hesitant, his own hand stopping on Calum’s arm. “I want to talk about last night.”

Calum tried to wake himself up. There was worry tinting Ashton’s voice. He started by opening his eyes, finding Ashton’s already looking at him. He frowned.

“About Bec?” Ashton shook his head quickly. There was something on his expression Calum couldn’t quite catch. “My Nan?”

Ashton buried his face into the pillow, groaning a little, before he looked back up, his cheeks tinted a cute pink. He was embarrassed.

“No. Please don’t mention your grandma right now. Or Bec.” Ashton’s face comically squeezed up as if he had just licked a lemon, then started shaking it quickly. Calum observed, mildly amused. He was almost completely woken up now. “I meant about me trying to have sex with you.”

_Oh._

“Oh.” He repeated out loud. “Okay. Let me–.” He drew his arm back sitting up and effectively waking up. “I need to be up for this.”

Ashton glanced up at him, nervously, before he copied him, sitting up and resting his back on the headboard. Calum waited as Ashton hesitated, his mouth opening and closing a few times.

“It wasn’t because I was drunk.” He started, looking frantically into Calum’s eyes. “Well, it was a little bit. But…” He glanced away, taking a deep breath before facing him again. Calum felt his heart starting to pound. “I want that. With you. I don’t know why I felt I couldn’t, last week.”

Ashton looked sincere enough, but… They had only just confided in each other. Ashton had only _just_ told him about Bec. It hadn’t been 24 hours. It hadn’t been a week since he said he _wasn’t ready_.

“Ash.”

One single word and Ashton was hurrying to take his hands in his.

“No. Hear me out. It’s not…” He huffed a laugh. “I swear it’s not because I was horny last night. Or because, yeah, your tats turn me on. It was just…” Ashton blushed even more if it was possible, his voice lowering down into a whisper. “I want to have that, with you.”

Calum sighed.

“Ashton.”

“I am completely sober.” Calum nodded, Ashton hadn't drank at dinner, but that didn't mea–. “We’ve talked about… _everything_ that could make me hesitant to do this.” Ashton took his face in his hands, trying to direct Calum’s focus. _As if he needed to. Fuck._ “I was merely stopping myself because I feared what could happen with you. But you’re so… good to me, Calum. I don’t want to hold back on things because I’m scared.”

Calum closed his eyes, trying to calm his pounding heart. One part of Ashton’s speech had made alarms go out in his head.

“But you’re still scared, Ash.”

He felt Ashton nod before he brought their foreheads together. When Calum opened his eyes, Ashton had closed his.

“How can I not be?” He muttered. Calum felt awful for bringing it up. “What happened to Bec… It was…”

He brought his own hand up, cradling Ashton’s face.

“I know.”

He nuzzled his nose against Ashton’s, his lips leaving a barely there kiss against the older ones.

He focused on Ashton’s gentle breathing hitting his face. Warm. Slow. It calmed him more than Calum would ever had thought someone’s breathing could.

Ashton pecked him again before breaking his hold on Calum’s face and looking down, whining.

“Ugh, why does sex have to be this hard?”

Calum snorted.

“I _mean…_ ” He kept silently giggling even when Ashton shot him an unamused look. He was cute when he pouted. He was cute in general. “It’s not the sex part that’s hard, I think.” He offered. “It’s the intimacy part. It’s the opening up.”

“Nah, we’re good at that.” Ashton dismissed. “We talk.”

“Yeah, we talk.” Calum agreed, laughing lightly.

Did this little talk mean Ashton wanted something _tonight?_ Like, Calum wasn’t above it, but… He still feared this was Ashton pushing his limits, doing something he could potentially regret. And there was a detail that was bouncing around in his head. He needed clarification of that.

“So.” He started, trying to bring Ashton’s attention back to him. Good, because he needed to study his face when he asked the following question. “Not having sex is _holding back_? Sex that important for you in the relationship? More than… Talking?”

“No. No.” Ashton was looking at him like it hurt him, Calum thinking that Ashton held sex over bearing his soul bare. “It is important for me, but not like _that_.” He had blushed again, bashful, and Calum didn’t know where he was going with this. “It’s… for me it’s trusting my partner with…”

_Oh. Now he understood._

“Are you really embarrassed talking explicitly about sex?” Calum giggled a little.

Ashton’s reaction was adorable. He blushed even more, his eyes flitting sideways. Calum continued giggling until he felt Ashton lightly punching him in his shoulder.

“It’s trusting you with everything, not just my heart.” He finally mumbled, avoiding Calum’s eyes.

“ _Everything_?” Calum couldn’t help the suggestive tone. It was… it was just there. And you’re not friends with Michael Clifford for over ten years and not learn how to turn every single thing into something suggestive.

“Stop it.” Ashton whined again, this time letting his forehead fall to Calum’s shoulder. Calum reached up to his hair, started combing through it. He liked Ashton’s curls.

“I get what you’re saying, though. It’s the same for me.” He muttered against his hair, leaving a kiss there. Then he added, “You said you were scared, Ash.”

Even if he said he was ready, he still had said he _was_ scared. That had to have implications.

“I’m not scared of that, I trust you.”

“Yes, but,… You’re still scared.”

Calum drew in a surprised breath when he felt Ashton dropping a kiss on his collarbone.

“I also really fucking want you.” He confessed, and Calum’s heart resumed pounding, like it had never calmed down. “Like, all the time. It is incredibly… _frustrating."_

“I want you too.” Calum laughed lightly, smearing his smile on Ashton’s shoulder, kissing him there too.

“Do you want me…tonight?” Ashton asked softly. He was hiding his face on Calum’s shoulder, but Calum knew he was anything but relaxed right now. The muscles on his neck were tense, waiting on Calum’s answer. It was almost as if Ashton was scared of the answer as much as he was of their relationship itself.

“I always want you, Ash.”

He felt the older boy exhaling, his warm breath hitting Calum’s neck. Then there was a brush of lips, barely there, on the junction of Calum’s shoulder. It made the air catch in his throat, his eyes closing as he breathed in deep. Shivers were running all through his body, with just a simple kiss. It was amazing what Ashton could do. Did he know? Did he know that Calum would let him hold his heart in his hand and do with him whatever he pleased?

Calum brought his hands up, gently guiding Ashton’s chin until his eyes were looking at him.

“Are you _absolutely sure_?” He whispered, breath catching at the emotion behind Ashton’s eyes.

“Yes.”

And then Ashton was kissing him, for real this time. It was slow, Calum’s head growing dizzy with the swirl of feelings in his chest, his oxygen levels growing low. But he didn’t break the kiss. Instead, he circled Ashton’s head with his right hand, sliding to his neck and pressing his face even closer to his own as he wrestled outside the covers and slid down till his back hit the mattress.

He tugged a little on Ashton’s curls, making his breath hitch through the kiss, making him lick his lips and ask Calum silently to open his mouth. Ashton’s tongue swiftly found his, tangling together, and even now, Calum felt like this kiss was different from every other one they had shared before. It was like there were silent words being passed between them, words of desire, yes, but overall it felt like Ashton was asking him to trust him. Calum had never felt anything like it.

With one hand still occupied on Ashton’s hair he let the other slide down his neck, shamelessly giving in to feeling up Ashton’s arm. He still didn’t understand how something like a group of muscles could turn him on like this –well, some corner of his mind _did know_ –, but Ashton’s body was gorgeous from what he had peeked. His imagination had ran wild too. And his mind had imagined many, many things on the nights Calum had fallen into bed alone with his thoughts, a hand around himself. He wanted to check if reality as good as his imagination. It would probably be loads better. Just having Ashton on top of him, robbing him of air as he kissed him slowly had him already sporting a semi in his pants.

Ashton broke out of the kiss, Calum smiling dizzily up at him, just to have Ashton dive in for his neck, making Calum groan low in his throat. There was something about going slow that was doing it for him. He didn’t know why, but Ashton gently biting and sucking on his skin had him letting out gasps into the air, his hand clutching Ashton’s shoulder when Ashton grazed with his teeth a particularly sensitive spot. But then. Then he started going up to Calum’s earlobe, and fuck. The bite there was rough and unexpected, Calum moaning uncontrollably, his dick very much _interested._

His hand descended down Ashton’s back, feeling him up as he went, frustrated because Ashton was holding himself over him, not really touching down, and Calum would very much have liked some contact on his dick. Right now. He tried coaxing Ashton down, but it only resulted in Ashton laughing in his ear. It sounded sexy as fuck.

“You want something?”

And mocking. Calum didn’t like being mocked. At all. His dick might think otherwise, but there was still enough blood in his brain for him to feel a bit offended, so he took the chance and attacked Ashton’s neck, the same place he was still wearing a huge fucking hickey.

Like. Calum had felt something every time he looked at it during today. He remembered Ashton panting against the wall yesterday, whining under his attack, so fucking hard in his jeans that Calum had known if he had kept going Ashton would have come. It had the same result today.

Ashton seemed like a puppet who had just had his strings cut, falling into Calum like he couldn’t stay propped up on his elbows, like the pleasure coursing through his veins was so intense and all-consuming he was just left at the mercy of whoever was kissing him. It turned Calum on beyond belief. He finally had Ashton’s dick on top of his, flimsy layers of pyjamas between them, but even then grinding up to him felt _so good_.

He tugged up Ashton’s shirt, wanting to feel his skin. It was difficult to take out when Ashton was practically boneless on top of him, so he stopped for a second his attack on Ashton’s neck, and the older boy immediately sat up, his ass directly on Calum’s dick and grinding down as he took off his shirt, smirking down at him like he had one upped Calum.

“Yours now. I wanna _see_ you.”

Calum laughed a little. Breathless from their earlier kisses. Ashton cut his laughter short though, grinding down with more purpose. Calum’s eyes rolled unwittingly to the back of his skull, the whine coming out of his throat loudly and without his consent, and he sat up too, taking his sleeping tee out quickly. If Ashton had gotten flustered about his tattoos in a non-sexual situation, Calum was incredibly curious about what he would do now.

What he did was throw him back down on the bed, kissing him roughly, their teeth almost clacking. _Oh fuck_. Ashton kept the rhythm grinding on him, his cock now against Calum’s thigh and fuck, Calum had an irrational need to get that in his mouth. He moaned at the thought, Calum hadn’t had a cock in his tongue in _so_ _long,_ he was fucking desperate to get it there. He started rubbing faster on Ashton, so fucking turned on.

It seemed to tip Ashton off that something was happening, because he pulled away for a second to look at him, his pupils blown out, his hair sticking around in weird ways from Calum having pulled on it, the hickey on his neck. Calum felt like he had been hit in his chest.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful.”

It slipped out. It just slipped out. Ashton had looked like an angel on top of him and Calum knew he was being a goddam cliché but he didn’t care, because colour rose to Ashton’s cheeks like he hadn’t expected a compliment, and it only added to the beauty of it all.

There was something constricting Calum’s lungs when his eyes locked with Ashton’s, and it felt too much and too little at the same time. He had to break it. Calum brought him back down by his head, kissing him. It was sweet now, meant to express whatever feelings he had swirling in his chest, leaving him lightheaded, but Ashton resumed grinding and it soon turned filthy.

Calum was sure he could come just like this, easily. He hadn’t dry humped anyone since he was a fucking teenager, but this felt better than he had felt with any other partner. This felt _heavenly_ . Ashton’s little moans drifting down to his ear, his weight on top of him, pinning him down to the bed. _Fuck._ Yeah, he could _very_ easily come just like this.

However, he didn’t fancy making a mess on his pyjamas. He particularly liked these, and cum wasn’t exactly easy to wash out. Plus, he preferred a slightly more _hands-on_ experience.

With one hand he grabbed Ashton’s hip, his leg going around and helping him flip them, pining Ashton down. The older boy looked surprised that Calum had even _dared_ to be on top, but it quickly dissolved into pleasure when Calum’s fingers trailed slowly up his belly button towards his nipple, gently flicking it. Calum smirked, bending down and leaving a feather kiss on Ashton’s lips before he started his way down his neck towards his chest. He took his time on Ashton’s collarbone, seemingly another sweet spot for Ashton before he grazed his lips down towards the hardened nipple he had been playing with. Ashton’s breath hitched as soon as he licked it, his hand flying up to grab Calum’s hair, pulling hard. Calum moaned against Ashton’s chest, his tongue still going around his nipple, his left hand teasing the other. Ashton was humping his stomach, panting, letting out little whines, his dick incredibly hard by the feel of it, and Calum filed _sensitive_ _as fuck_ _nipples_ under things that turned Ashton the fuck on. This was _fun._

But as much fun as it was, his own cock was hard, and he had to tug it lightly over his pants, trying to relief some pent-up tension. He had been wanting to get into Ashton’s pants ever since the first time he laid eyes on him, all nervous smile and dimples in the store.

“We need to get out of these clothes.” He said breathlessly, tugging on Ashton’s pyjama pants.

“Agreed.” Ashton vehemently nodded, his own hands coming up to help Calum out of his clothes, nails dragging along Calum’s stomach and making him suck in a breath as he tossed his pyjama bottoms away. And then Ashton’s eyes widened like saucers.

“Are you wearing _my underwear_?”

“It’s comfier than mine.” Calum mumbled, leaning forward and hiding his face on Ashton’s shoulder. _Oh god, he was sure he had to be redder than Rudolph’s nose._ He prayed Ashton didn’t look into that, not tonight. Tonight, he wanted it to be special. Not kinky. Too early for that shit. Even when they both had hinted at it. Not tonight.

“I like it.” Ashton whispered in his ear, leaving a kiss below it that paired with his words made Calum shiver with pleasure.

“Wouldn’t you like me better _out_ of them?” He countered, relishing in the moan that left Ashton’s throat. His hands grabbed Calum again, harshly, bringing him back down to his lap, thrusting upwards. Calum felt as if his breath was punched out of him. He clutched Ashton’s back for dear life, nails probably making a mess of Ashton’s skin as the older kept thrusting up, biting and sucking on Calum’s neck like a mad man. He bit his way up to Calum’s lobe, biting hard again, same place as the first time before slowing down his thrusts a little, letting Calum catch up his breath on top of him.

“I’ve thought about this before.” He whispered right into his ear, making Calum shudder.

“Yeah?”

“Yup.” The cute pop sound was completely out of place, but it only made Calum whine. “Worked myself up thinking about what I’d do to you when we took that step.”

Ashton’s voice was rough, betraying just how turned on he was. Calum’s head was spinning with the implications of that sentence, thinking to just what length Ashton had been thinking of this, of having his way with him. He bit his lip trying to keep the image in his mind from making him moan. He had a mission tonight. Whatever Ashton had in mind would have to wait for another time. And he told him as such, his own voice down an octave.

“Well, whatever you thought, not happening today.”

Ashton smirked at him, thrusting up just to psych him out. He clearly thought he had the upper hand.

“You sure?”

Calum snaked his hand down between their stomachs, sliding it beneath Ashton’s pants and cupping him, rubbing the heel of his hand against it and smirking himself when Ashton let out a shuddery breath, his eyes going blank as he tightened his hands in Calum’s hip.

“Let me take care of you, yeah?” Calum whispered back, nuzzling his neck. And odd gentle gesture in the middle of it all, but he felt like he needed to do it. Ashton seemed to melt at his words, sighing and nodding, closing his eyes as he chased Calum’s lips, almost desperately. Calum kissed back just as longingly, tried to made it last, but the cock in his hand was pulsing and the need he felt to have it in his throat grew exponentially.

He broke the kiss, gently pushing Ashton back until his head hit the pillow again, pecked his nose just for kicks before starting his way down. Ashton’s skin tasted weirdly good, making him want to lap him up. But, he had a target, so he kept making his way down, slowly, oh so slowly. His hand had tugged down Ashton’s pants a little, but he needed both of his hands and eyes to do that without embarrassing himself, so he left it for when he got down. Ashton was panting, his chest moving up and down beneath Calum’s tongue, breath hitching every time Calum flicked a nipple. He smiled playfully up, finding Ashton looking at him with lust burning in his gaze, his cheeks red, pupils blown out. It was a picture Calum would like to have in his mind forever. He couldn’t wait to watch Ashton as he gazed down to him taking his cock. His own dick twitched at the thought. _Fuck_.

Ashton’s stomach quivered when he reached his happy trail, anticipation making them both shiver. Calum used his hands now to take the pants down, slowly sliding them off of Ashton’s hips, down and down until he tugged them off Ashton’s feet, throwing them in a heap alongside his own. There was only one more layer separating him from Ashton’s cock, but Calum liked to tease, sue him, so he went back to kissing Ashton’s abdomen, stopping at his hip bone, breathing in. He had one hand in Ashton’s stomach, another in his thigh, lazily caressing him on the inner part, making Ashton writhe under his touch.

It was incredibly satisfying seeing him with his eyes closed, pleasure in his features, his hands bunching up on the comforter underneath. Calum was sure he was trying to hold on from tugging on Calum’s hair and directing him towards where he really wanted him. Calum felt kind of powerful, something thrilling about having Ashton at his mercy. Playing his body, pleasuring him. Calum could easily get off on this too.

He skipped over the obvious bulge in front him, choosing to go down and leave a couple of bruises on Ashton’s thighs. Because, _oh god_ , his thighs. Calum’s blood was boiling in his veins. Ashton was so fucking hot like this, laid out on the bed for him, gasping and moaning, and Calum hadn’t even gotten his mouth on him yet.

His boyfriend got tired of waiting, though, because he grabbed his hair, completely like Calum had predicted and brought him back up, Calum’s nose hitting his cock. Which. Had leaked through the boxers. Calum licked his lips at the thought.

“Don’t tease anymore, please.” Ashton was looking at him as if in a daze, his eyes glossy, pupils completely blown out, and Calum took pity on him. He left a gentle kiss on just where his hip jutted out before tugging down Ashton’s boxers, careful not to let his cock snap against his stomach.

He discarded the boxers on top of the rest of their clothes, stopping away for a moment to take his own off, too. When he climbed back up to the bed, Ashton was eyeing him, something shining in his eyes. It made Calum lean down and claim his lips, shivering on top of him when Ashton’s hand stroked from his shoulder to the small of his back, bringing him down until both their cocks were sliding against each other. Calum let out a gasp at the sensation. Worked up as he was from having been teasing Ashton, this right now could get him right on edge. Much to his disappointment, he stopped, pushing Ashton away again.

“You’re distracting me.” He whined, petulant.

“I want to touch you too, you know?” Ashton panted, his eyes trailing downwards to where Calum’s cock was still against his thigh.

“Later.” Calum pushed him down again, pecking his lips and quickly darting away, laughing a little when Ashton huffed in disagreement, muttering something along the lines of ‘ _I will hold you to that, you minx’._ It only made Calum laughed harder, before he slid down completely, coming face to face with Ashton’s dick.

He couldn’t say it was _pretty_ , it was a dick. But it was rock hard, thin veins running down it, on the longish side, _thick_. Calum’s mouth literally watered at the sight, his eyes eating it up. Apparently he had been ogling it much more time than he realised, because Ashton groaned from above him, vibrations on his stomach under Calum’s spread hand making him glance up.

“Are you just going to stare at my dick?”

Ashton looked flushed, and a little bit embarrassed. Calum felt a little stupid for having gotten caught up in his thoughts. Instead of answering he leaned down and licked a long strip alongside the vein pulsing in Ashton’s cock, from his balls to the tip where he just teased at the slit, tasting the little pre-cum Ashton had leaked through his earlier ministrations.

This time when Ashton groaned it wasn’t out of impatience. He was back to clutching the comforter, his eyes directed at the ceiling as Calum kept toying up with his dick like it was a lollipop.

Calum was losing himself in this, licking and sucking up and down, teasing the slit, tonguing Ashton’s balls. He was getting off on it, Ashton struggling to keep his composure –not that he had _much_ – under his tongue, and Calum hadn’t even taken him completely in his mouth. He hadn’t even taken him in his hand yet.

Calum knew he was being a tease, but the best orgasms were always the ones you waited for, and he intended for Ashton’s pleasure to drag along as long as it could.

Calum brought the hand that had been teasing Ashton’s balls up towards his hips, pressing down alongside the other one. Ashton had started thrusting up. Either involuntarily or purposefully searching for more, Calum didn’t know, but Ashton was going to _wait_.

He was getting his full of licking around the base when he finally felt Ashton tugging the hair of his nape, _hard._ Calum’s whine got lost in his throat as he sucked on one of his balls as retaliation. Ashton didn’t seem to be in the mood for more teasing, though, because he tugged again, bringing his head up and forcing it down. _Finally_.

“I thought you weren’t going to tease me anymore.” He grunted, and Calum laughed, gaze heavy.

This time when he went down again, he went down quickly, swallowing as best as could Ashton’s cock, moaning when he felt it hit the back of his throat. _Thank god he didn’t have a gag-reflex._ Ashton’s whole body shuddered, moaning his name, and Calum started going up and down on him, focusing mostly on the top, using his right hand to help, sliding up and down easy now that Calum had lathered Ashton’s cock up with spit.

Porn could say all it wanted, but apart from deep-throating, blowjobs were essentially more effective when staying up, relentlessly. At least that’s what Calum thought from experience. And by the way Ashton was writhing beneath him, saying his name in breathless pants, Calum couldn’t be too far off.

He kept sucking and tonguing all around the head, venturing up a little and licking furiously just inside the hood, and Ashton let out a guttural sound, thrusting up and tugging on his hair, both hands trained on top of Calum’s head.

“Oh my god, you feel _so good_.” He said breathlessly, his eyes trained on Calum, feverish look in them.

Calum moaned at the praise, vibrations going along his throat, passing on to Ashton’s dick, which twitched in his tongue, letting out a drop of pre-cum and making Calum moan yet again. He absolutely loved giving head. It just felt powerful making someone fall down in pieces with just his mouth. And having it be Ashton was doing things to his heart and his dick.

He had to stop for a minute to catch his breath though. His jaw had started to ache. So he focused fisting Ashton’s dick and tonguing at the balls, leaving kisses too on Ashton’s thighs, quivering under his attention.

Ashton was still staring at him, propped up on his elbows to get a better view. His eyes glazed over with lust, his chest heaving, breath coming in short pants, hair wild and blushing all over. He looked down right sinful. Calum had to sneak down a hand to his own cock, squeezing. The sight was too hot, and he was seriously beginning to think today would be the first day he cummed without even properly touching himself. That’s how turned on he was.

He took a deep breath, already rested, and went down to the job again, Ashton whining as soon as he touched the tip with his tongue, breathing down the slit, Calum going crossed eyed when he saw Ashton leaking. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ He bent down, taking it entirely in his mouth again, keeping his tongue moving as he started going up and down again.

Ashton’s little sounds were spurring him on, he didn’t even seem capable of forming words anymore, just grunts and whines and groans. Calum drew his left hand back from Ashton’s hip, bringing it up to where Ashton was clutching his hair on the side of painful, and pushed his own head down, his hand on top of Ashton’s. The older boy seemed to get it, giving him a tug and making Calum groan, before he started slowly fucking up into Calum’s mouth, his eyes rolling backwards. Calum tried his best to keep his throat open, humming from time to time to help Ashton along, discreetly bringing a hand down Ashton’s thigh, sliding down, down, down, reaching his perineum. He massaged it, relishing when Ashton let out another guttural moan and started thrusting up with more purpose, less control.

Calum was so fucking hard, bordering on painful, desperate to cum, but he wanted to wait, wanted to see if he would actually be able to get off without even touching himself. Just from sucking Ashton off, hearing him moan. He kept his tongue moving, undulating beneath Ashton’s cock, taking it down his throat and fucking enjoying it.

Ashton started to speed up his thrusts, hands growing impossibly tight in Calum’s hair, sighs and whines escaping his lips, now uninhibited. And suddenly he was taking his dick out of Calum’s mouth, getting a hand on his base and squeezing, Calum frowning confused as he stared at it. He was leaning down to keep licking, knowing Ashton had been about to cum, but Ashton tugged him away.

“Stop. Come up.” Calum looked up at him, puzzled. Ashton smiled, releasing his hair and grabbing his shoulders, trying to get him up close to him, frantic look in his eyes. “I wanna be kissing you when…”

Calum’s heart went up to his throat, his eyes locked with Ashton’s.

“Okay. Okay.” He muttered quickly, diving in for Ashton’s mouth as he reached down for his cock, starting to work him up again, rapidly.

Ashton was letting out little pants in his mouth, their lips catching but not really kissing, the older’s brow furrowing, eyes closing as he started to fuck up into Calum’s fist, nails raking down Calum’s back, making the younger boy whine and lick hotly into Ashton’s tongue.

He felt Ashton’s cock twitching in his hand, Ashton thrusting, one, two, three times and then he was coming, cum spurting all over their chests, Calum’s fist, the comforter. He kept kissing Ashton all throughout, swallowing his moans, his hand only stopping when Ashton gently took it in his, getting it away from his sensitive dick, starting to go down already.

Calum had kept kissing him, silent reassurance that he was still there, kisses turning sweet and gentle, his own cock and lust shoved back to a corner of his mind. When Ashton took him firmly in his hand, squeezing, he positively wailed, eyes rolling to the back of his head and pleasure coursing through his veins like molten lava.

“I guess now counts as _later._ ” He whined, clutching Ashton’s shoulders and resisting the very strong urge to start fucking into his fist like an animal. _Oh god._ Ashton’s hands were frigging enormous, almost dwarfing his dick. And it wasn’t pride, but Calum was on the longish side of the scale too. His dick was slender than Ashton’s, but they could very much be on the same level in length. _Fuck_ , his hands.

“You can fuck my fist, babe.” Ashton said, gravelly voice making something spark inside Calum.

“If I do that this is going over in like, two seconds.” Calum whispered, holding back a laugh, a shudder going through him when he felt the older boy leave a kiss in his throat, teeth racking and making Calum’s breath hitch. Ashton was slowly stroking him, his eyes locked up on Calum’s and a slight smirk growing in his face.

“ _That_ worked up, huh?” There was a teasing lilt in his tone, and Calum groaned.

“Shut up.”

Ashton laughed at him again, that sexy sound from before, slightly mocking, and Calum’s mind was going fuzzy around the edges due to lack of oxygen. Ashton’s hand on him felt great, sure, but his words were doing _something_ for Calum. He had almost forgotten what it was to have _this_ with someone else.

“You got hard to the point of almost busting just by taking me down your throat.” Ashton tsked. “You like having a cock in your mouth that much?”

His tone sounded genuinely curious, and Calum whined, hiding his face in Ashton’s shoulder, blood rushing to his cheeks. He could feel the pull at the bottom of his gut, pleasure running through his blood, Ashton’s thumb swiping against his slit, making him whine. Calum didn’t know where Ashton’s talk was coming from, he had seemed almost embarrassed before.

“I asked you a question.” Ashton tugged on his dick, hard, pouting to get his attention. Calum’s heart caved in, and he nodded vehemently, diving in for a kiss, his hips starting to thrust up almost involuntarily.

“No words now?” And mocking Ashton was back. He laughed, but he didn’t say anything else, just redoubled his efforts in bringing Calum down, stroking fast and rough. Calum felt this was some kind of payback for how he had been teasing him before. Honestly, he didn’t mind. It just added to Ashton’s overall hotness, and it was making his blood sizzle in the best of ways.

Ashton had started stroking him faster, sucking and biting his earlobe and neck, leaving what Calum was sure were huge fucking hickeys behind. And as much as it had turned him on having left himself a hickey in Ashton’s throat, the thought of waking up tomorrow and watching Ashton’s kisses seared into his skin was making him want to chase desperately for release. He started fucking Ashton’s fist with a purpose, groaning low in his throat, feeling the hot burning down in his gut, on the verge of pouring out. He could almost taste it.

Ashton had come back up to his ear, nosing it.

“Let go, Cal.” He whispered, hairs in the back of Calum’s neck standing right up. “I got you. Let go.”

And he did. Everything went fucking white for a moment, his body going taut, and then he was groaning, cumming on Ashton’s hand and sinking his teeth into his shoulder to keep from screaming. _Fuck_. He kept fucking Ashton’s fist vehemently, the older boy squeezing him until the last drop came out, his left hand softly stroking his back. Calum kept letting out little whines against Ashton’s skin until the older finally released his hold on him, carelessly wiping it down on the comforter. Calum didn’t even have the strength to chastise him. The orgasm had taken it out on him, leaving him boneless and pliant on top of Ashton.

The older boy drew up his hand, gently catching Calum’s chin and leaning up for a kiss. And honestly, Calum didn’t know if it was the high in his body talking, but the kiss felt fucking extraordinary. His mind was swimming, warmth spreading all the way from his heart to his fingertips, feelings swirling in his chest.

Ashton kept kissing him for what felt like hours, eventually rolling them till he was on top, stroking back Calum’s hair from his face and looking into his eyes before he dived back down for his lips. Calum felt lightheaded, dizzy with the unadulterated _care_ Ashton seemed to be instilling in every swipe of his lips, every stroke of his hand, every caress of his fingertips. It felt amazing, it felt… It felt _important_ . It made _him_ feel important. Ashton did.

When the kisses eventually stopped, Calum’s lips felt numb. Ashton was warm next to him, his arm holding him close by the small of his back, protective and claiming at the same time. They had been looking into each other’s eyes for a while, only the sound of their breaths between them. Calum could fall in love with those eyes. Could fall in love with the way they were looking at him. Softly. Tenderly. Caring.

Calum had a lump in his throat, not really sure where it came from, but even if it kept him from speaking out loud, he knew Ashton was reading it in his eyes. He sighed and leaned forward, leaving a kiss on Ashton’s lips. Chaste. Light. Sweet.

When he leaned back, Ashton’s eyes were shining.

“Let’s get under the covers.”

Calum nodded, climbing right into Ashton’s arms when the older kept the comforter open. Calum made a mental note to throw it in the wash first thing tomorrow morning. Ashton could look like a competent adult, but Calum had discovered he was quite lazy around his house. It made him smile.

Ashton kissed him on his temple when Calum laid down his head on his chest, sighing contentedly when Ashton brought his arm around his back, squeezing him close.

They would talk in the morning about this. Even when they both knew what it meant for them, Calum knew Ashton would breach the topic again come sunrise, and it made him smile.

If they had told him two months ago that he would get to have Ashton, could get to have _this,_ he probably would have laughed.

But Ashton was here. With him. Breathing slowly, his fingertips stroking Calum’s stomach, lulling him to sleep. His heart was beating calm and steady under Calum’s palm.

He drifted off just like that, cuddled up into Ashton’s side, safe and happy, and feeling incredibly warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter in general, but writing the beginning was hard. I don't usually do well writing things I haven't gone through, so I researched like a mad person emergency protocols and other stuff, trying to get a sense of what Ashton went through. I don't know how that came across in the end, though 😅  
> This chapter is important to me in a way I can't even express. I always give something of myself to my characters (even if this is the first time I'm actually publishing anything hahaha). This story isn't different. I just feel like giving them this sometimes miniscule, sometimes larger than life detail, helps make them come alive. Calum's arc in here has a special meaning to me.  
> I really hope I was able to make them live and breathe, that you felt them come alive too.  
> (Also, never in my life written smut. Don't know how that came out. Sorry. XD)  
> (Also, this was entirely, wastely, too long. I'm sorry. I realised halfway through editing that this could have constituted many small different chapters, but I planned the fic to have 13 chapters –lucky number–, and I am stubborn xD)  
> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> (P.s.: btw I made tumblr at the beginning of all this to like, share the story there, but kinda forgot about it xD Anyways, if any of you feel like dropping me a line, my url is myfalsedevotion Love you for reading this far! )


	10. Silent Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with this one!

There was something awfully like a déjà vu as Ashton changed out of his scrubs before stepping back to the break room. Coming out of a night shift to have breakfast with his partner, the slight nerves in the pit of his stomach, the absolutely dreadful coffee –which he didn’t even touch, knowing full well it wasn’t fresh. It hadn’t even been fresh last night–. Thankfully Luke’s Secret Santa gift was there next to a new carry-on coffee cup with his name engraved –Luke’s real Christmas present, given to him last night at handover–, signalling Ashton hadn’t fallen into another nightmare about last year. He was still dreadfully nervous about the following days though.

Calum had decided to stay with him until his last day working –even if it was the night of the 23rd to the 24th– just so he could hitch a ride back home on Ashton’s car. Or at least that’s what he had said out loud, but then he started only going back to his flat to get his books and notes, maybe a change of clothes. He kept coming back every night to Ashton’s flat, holding him close as they fell asleep. By the third night, Ashton had noticed the pattern, knew why Calum was doing it, appreciated it. He was glad Calum was there. It kept the nightmares at bay, somehow. Bec’s death anniversary was on Saturday, and Calum stayed all the way till that morning, slipping quietly out of Ashton’s bed, kissing him sweetly and leaving before the sun had fully risen.

Ashton had asked Luke back in November for a trade that day. He had just felt he wouldn’t be able to focus enough for work. He was right. Ashton spent the day cuddled up in bed looking through old memories, crying and thinking about Bec. His mum had called just as Calum was leaving through the door, time zones still jarring even when it had been close to a year. Ashton called Otto immediately afterwards before the day ended in Australia. Neither call was filled with much conversation.

Calum came back a little after midnight, falling back into bed like he never left, cuddling into him, holding Ashton as he cried until they both fell asleep, hugging each other tightly.

Ashton hadn’t even tried to argue for him to leave early for home last week, not when realisation dawned on him as to why Calum had insisted to stay. Ashton had instead allowed himself to be taken care of, had allowed himself to _want_ someone – _Calum_ – there to hold him through the night, to reassure him it was okay to cry.

There was also the matter of Calum being reticent of going back home, even when Ashton knew he missed his family terribly.

Calum had reluctantly admitted that last Christmas at his house had been weird, and that he didn’t know if he could handle his family talking about his Nan without having reinforcements. _It’s stupid, I know_ , he had said. Ashton had just shaken his head and tightened his hug on him. Normally reinforcements in that situation would have been Michael, _had been_ him last year, but this year he was working through holidays until New Year’s Eve, when he’d drive up home with Grace. Plus, Calum had said he wanted Ashton there, so, there he would be, gladly.

After that, Ashton hadn’t had the strength to persuade him to go back early. He felt selfish for being happy that Calum was staying to help him through the week as the 22nd got closer. But he also felt kind of better because in a way Calum had explicitly told him that that way they would both be taking care of each other. First him, here. Later Ashton, at Calum’s home.

It was weird. After that talk, after Ashton had finally broken down every single layer of protection he had carefully built around himself, things had changed. It wasn’t noticeable, not in the surface. But he knew this relationship, as young as it was, was good to go. Ashton felt _ready_ , somehow. He trusted Calum completely. Kind of weird to think about when they hadn’t known each other for that _long_ a time. But he felt it. Deep in his core. Trusting Calum was good. Letting himself get lost in the now, letting himself feel and give back. It was the right choice.

Still, he worried about spending his week off at Calum’s home. He knew Calum needed him. But it still didn’t take away the fact that he was meeting _his family_. That Calum had called last week to tell them he was only coming back on Christmas’ Eve, and that he was bringing his _boyfriend_ with him. For a whole week. Calum had been clutching his hand tightly as he waited for his parents to say something. In the end it was Mali who answered first, telling Calum he should be careful on the road and that she couldn’t wait to have him home again. Ashton smiled as Calum sighed, relieved.

His phone beeped waking him up from his thoughts. _Gosh, he was tired_. Calum was waiting for him outside. The smile that took over his features was soft with a hint of more at the prospect of Calum coming to pick him up. He tried to erase it from his face as Norah smiled smugly at him from where she was preparing herself a cup of tea. Luke had filled her in after the _Calum incident_ when he came looking for Ashton, and in Norah’s own words, _‘looking like a bloody maniac_ ’. It was clear that she knew what was up, and Ashton’s cheeks reddened at having been caught smiling stupidly at his own phone. But whatever. It felt good.

He waved back to her, wishing her and the few more loitering around the break room a Merry Christmas and scooped up his gifts from the table, hurrying outside, his heart going crazy at the thought of getting to see Calum again. Twelve hours were way too long a time. Ashton should have been disgusted at his own clinginess, but he embraced it. It was him. And Calum seemed to like him how he was.

Said boy was perched up on the bonnet of Ashton’s car looking like a fucking model with his black leather jacket and sunglasses, two cups of something steaming in his hands.

“What is _that_?” Calum exclaimed looking down to Ashton’s hand carrying Luke’s gift, his glasses sliding a little too much down his nose for it to have been completely unintentional.

“My Secret Santa.” Ashton huffed, stopping in front of him and leaning in for a kiss that Calum returned eagerly. However, he was frowning as they parted, his eyes trained down on Ashton’s hands.

“Does your Secret Santa think you’re some kind of nympho?” He said perfectly serious, even worrying his lip. Ashton snorted, stepping back and around the car, opening the boot and throwing the giant box of condoms and his new carry-on cup inside, meeting Calum’s stunned eyes as he closed it back.

“It’s Luke’s idea of a joke.” He laughed. “I hope, at least. Because if it was a serious gift I’ll have to talk with him.”

Calum broke out laughing, bringing one of his hands up to cover his face, cup almost falling and his eyes crinkling adorably.

“Oh, my god. That’s like, a Michael level gift.” Ashton arched his eyebrows, had Michael ever given Calum that many co–, “Are you sure those two didn’t buy it together?”

Ashton shrugged as he rounded de car again, taking the cup Calum was offering and leaning forward again for a peck. Then he took a sip and grimaced involuntarily.

“What is this?” He couldn’t help the frown that took over his face. “I thought it was coffee.” He pouted, and Calum giggled lightly, ushering him to passenger side of the car.

“It’s night tea, supposed to help anyone sleep.” He explained as he buckled his seat belt once Ashton was inside. “If I gave you coffee, you wouldn’t fall asleep during the ride up North.”

Ashton huffed, buckling himself too as Calum passed him his cup, and started the car up. There was something weird about watching someone else driving his car, but Ashton thought it wasn’t that bad. It was Calum. He _liked_ Calum. And he looked super good right now, behind the wheel.

“I thought we were going to share driving duties.” Ashton answered before he got trapped in a spiral of thoughts about how beautiful Calum was with the sun lightening up his face, reflecting on his sunglasses.

“I’m not letting you drive sleep-deprived.” Calum replied without taking his eyes off the road. Ashton huffed again and slumped against his seat, prompting a laugh from Calum. “I made crepes for breakfast. Well. I prepared the batter. I will cook them while you take a shower.”

“You’re the absolute best.” Ashton sighed, eyes closing for just a moment at the thought of how good those were going to taste.

Calum just giggled. But Ashton could see him looking towards him with the corner of his eye when he came to a stop at a traffic light.

“Do you want to postpone the time we’re leaving? You should sleep on a bed. At least for a bit.”

Ashton shook his head. Calum sounded worried, but it hadn’t been that bad a night. He had gotten one hour of sleep, and it hadn’t been busy.

“Nah, I’m okay to just nap.” He reached to Calum’s hand on the gear stick, squeezing, before drawing it back to cover his own mouth as a yawn came up. Talk about poor timing.

“I don’t mind waiting for a couple of hours, Ash. You need the rest.” Calum pushed.

Ashton understood why. He had seen himself in the mirror. He clearly needed sleep, but they had already agreed to be at Calum’s home by mid-afternoon, so they had like an hour or so before they had to get moving. Enough to have breakfast and for Ashton to have a shower, get rid of the hospital smell.

“I’ll nap on the car. Don’t worry, Cal.” Ashton smiled. He knew Calum was still eyeing him from the side. “Plus, I don’t want your parents thinking I’m hogging you.”

Calum snorted.

“Hogging me? In any case I’m the one that’s hogging you.” He let out a nervous laugh. “Well, hogging our time together. Alone.”

Ashton sighed, stretching his arm again and resting it on Calum’s knee. The younger boy seemed to relax immediately at the touch, sighing a bit too, eyes still facing forward to the road. He was still nervous enough, Ashton could tell.

“It’s going to be fine, Cal.”

Calum nodded, releasing a breath, and honestly, him being nervous kind of only made Ashton even more nervous about just waltzing his way into his family time.

“At least it will not be weird for you.” He stroked his knee with his thumb. “However, for me… That’s going to be _very_ awkward.”

“Why?”

“Come on, I’m basically intruding on your family time.” Ashton had tried to sound joky, but he hated the tone it came out, as if he was just complaining. He wasn’t, just stating the obvious. But Calum was quick to answer.

“You’re not intruding, Ash. I invited you.”

“Yes, but–.” Ashton groaned quietly. “You delayed your trip up north because _I_ was _working_.”

The other reason was left unsaid, but Calum sighed, indicating he had understood.

“Yeah, and?” Calum shrugged.

“They’ll hate me for it.” Ashton couldn’t explain why he felt like this. It was just a feeling, deep in his gut, telling him that even if he hadn’t felt guilty before about Calum staying, the judging on Calum’s family’s faces when he got there was going to do that. “I kept you down here. When you have so little time off. They’re bound to resent me.”

“I… They won’t, Ash.” Calum sighed. “It was my decision to stay. They know that.” His hands gripped on the wheel like he wanted to extend them and grab Ashton’s, but he kept them there, clearly not chancing their safety. “Plus, Christmas isn’t that big of a deal home. Not when everyone’s already grown up. I’m definitely the exception in my house, with my whole, obsession with Christmas movies and such. For them is just a couple weeks to spend with family.”

“See? I told you. I’m intruding, then. It will make them hate me.”

Calum laughed softly, shaking his head.

“They could never _hate_ you, Ash.”

“Why? I’m keeping their son from them.”

That made Calum laugh harder, the smile on his face turning soft at the end of it, his hand this time falling to Ashton’s lap, lacing their fingers and squeezing hard.

“Just cause. Trust me on this.” He started stroking Ashton’s knuckles and suddenly Ashton’s feeling dissipated from his chest, relaxing under Calum’s caress and exhaling quietly. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I promised you snow and snow I shall deliver. And my family is just an accessory.”

Ashton couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him. Calum’s family was going to be anything but an accessory, but at least if Calum was there to hold his hand it wouldn’t be so bad.

“Okay.” He answered with a small voice.

“Seriously. It’s fine.”

Calum’s reassurance was coupled with a final squeeze, untangling his hand and bringing it back up to the wheel, always the careful driver. It was funny, because when it wasn’t Calum driving, he would break just about every rule in the book of what _not_ to do in a moving car. Ashton smiled at him, taking a moment to observe his profile in the morning sun.

“Thanks for that.” Ashton added after a while, voice catching in his throat at Calum’s sheer beauty. He suspected knowing the boy and how he actually was a ball of fluff most of the time did nothing but increase his beauty on Ashton’s eyes.

“No need, Ash.”

Ashton felt himself smiling ever so softly at Calum behind the wheel. It were times like these, when he could really get a good look at him, that he felt lucky Calum had chosen to stay that first day. Felt lucky that Calum had thought him worth knowing enough that he had gone searching for him, that he had come to his flat, that he had insisted. The two or three relationships Ashton had had during high school and the first years of uni had nothing on this. And Ashton didn’t think it was just because he was older. There was a connection between them that Ashton had never really felt before. It could be on par with Bec, but they were different.

It had almost broken Ashton’s heart the anguished look on Calum’s face after he woke him from that nightmare. Ashton hadn’t even expected it. It had been a couple of months since he last dreamt with that day in such detail. He thought he was past it. He guessed he was wrong, and Bec’s anniversary and not being able to come back home to visit her had taken a bigger toll on him than he anticipated. And being there, in Calum’s arms as the younger tried left and right to do anything to make him stop crying… Ashton had felt it was time to tell someone. To tell _him_.

It had been easier than he thought, once he got talking, like the tale –or dark tale– spilling from his lips was just another part of himself he was sharing effortlessly with Calum. And it was. Ashton was finding it easier and easier to share his thoughts with the younger, like it wasn’t even _sharing_ , like it was natural to give his thoughts free of fear of what Calum might think. It helped him breathe easy.

To know that he shared the experience of losing someone dear with Calum was… relieving. Ashton thought it was good, as twisted as that thought was. He had always thought it was difficult to open up to anyone after Bec’s death simply because no one in his immediate circle had gone through something like it. Luke hadn’t lost anyone yet.

Plus, Ashton had been kind of cold with his new mates at the unit, afraid of getting to know them as well as his last unit, just to lose touch. It hadn’t been on purpose. But after Bec’s death, when he came back for work, everyone kept eyeing him, waiting for him to fall down. Every single person he was working with knew Bec. They knew what had happened. Ashton had heard the whispers. Hated the pity looks. And that was when he they could look at him. Neither Pete nor Elliotte had been able to look him in the eye afterwards. Even Charlie had had a bad time, not knowing how to act around him. It hadn’t been pretty.

So Ashton escaped. He came here, where no one knew him, no one knew Bec. Kept it inside, even when he got closer to Luke because it was just too difficult to talk about. And then came Calum, out of nowhere, his serene smile making Ashton want to get to know him. The way he looked at him had made Ashton want to open up. His kindness and respect for what Ashton had gone through, even before he knew the whole story, had made Ashton want to trust him. Had made him want to confide in him. So, after that nightmare, Ashton did. It felt kind of liberating to finally breathe it out. To rely on someone. No, not just someone. To have it be Calum the one to hold him through it had been what made it easier.

Even before Ashton knew Calum had gone through a period of grieving himself, he had felt drawn to him. Like his heart knew Calum would be good for him, would be a good fit. And it had been.

He turned to face at Calum again; they were already in Cambourne, passing Morrison’s. He looked serene right now. Had been eerily calm all week, but Ashton knew the younger was keeping his nervousness inside. That it would come out one way or another when they reached his home. Ashton had escaped the memories, moved ten thousand miles away. Calum would be living among them as soon as they stepped foot inside his house.

“We’re here.” Calum broke him out of his thoughts, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning to look at him.

“You okay?” Calum asked. He sounded mildly worried before adding softly, “You were a thousand miles away.”

Ashton smiled, reaching for his hand and squeezing.

“Just remembering some things.” Calum’s eyes filled with worry, so Ashton hurried to continue. “I’m back now.”

At that Calum regaled him with one of those small smiles that Ashton loved so much. They probably would seem nothing special to an outsider, but for Ashton, they made his heart stop and start galloping all in the same second, feelings flying boundlessly in his chest. It was understated but so… _real._ Ashton cherished them when he saw one.

“Come on, you must be hungry.” Calum prompted, his left hand falling to Ashton’s knee and squeezing before he opened the door and got out of the car, fishing Ashton’s things from the back.

Ashton followed him silently, tiredness now settling in his bones after twenty or so minutes of being seated. It was like his legs were lead, weighting a ton as he trudged his way behind Calum towards the front door and up the stairs.

“By the way, your flat is scary at night.” Calum started as they reached the living room, taking his jacket and sunglasses out, leaving them on the table next to the box of condoms and Ashton’s new coffee cup.

“What?”

“There’re _weird_ noises.” Ashton couldn’t help it, he broke out laughing. Calum looked offended and started pouting, hugging himself as he turned around to look at him. “I don’t like the attic door on your bedroom ceiling. You can hear footsteps from above. It’s creepy.”

That coupled with his pout made Ashton laugh a little harder until he saw Calum was legitimately serious. He was looking at him worrying his lower lip and Ashton just wanted to hug him.

“I’m sorry?”

Calum came close as soon as he opened his arms, burying his head in his neck, embracing him tight.

“You should have warned me.” He mumbled against Ashton’s collarbone, and even if Ashton tried not to, a quiet giggle escaped him. “I would have brought earplugs.”

Ashton started stroking up and down Calum’s back, and the younger slowly relaxed against him, his hug turning loose until he was just, hanging there, letting all his weight rest against Ashton.

“But you’ve never had a problem before?”

Calum snorted, tightening his hug for a moment before leaning back and looking into his eyes.

“Because _you_ were here.” He established. And then an easy smirk begun to stretch his lips. “I was _distracted_.”

Ashton only had time to let out a mix between a protest and a giggle before Calum leaned forward again, catching his lips in a kiss, Ashton’s eyes falling shut. _Hmmm._ Ashton felt right about ready to die right there. There was warmth all over his body, Calum’s kiss sweet and slow robbing him of air. _How could he had gotten even better at kissing, like, how was that even a possibility?_

As if Calum somehow tapped into his wavelength, his lips stretched into a smile against Ashton’s, letting out a soft giggle. He kept his forehead against the older’s for a few seconds before opening his eyes, gentle and shining.

“Go hop in the shower.” He pecked him on his cheek, making Ashton blush unexpectedly. It was incredible that after almost a month with Calum, Ashton still blushed with the littlest gesture. “I’ll put the suitcases and stuff on the car and have breakfast ready when you come out.”

Ashton hummed.

“You’re pampering me too much.”

Calum laughed, brightly.

“You deserve to be pampered, baby.”

And if Ashton had been red before now he was sure all his blood had rushed to his cheeks, increasing his blush by a tenfold.

“Shut up.” Ashton whined, embarrassed, his right hand reaching for his face and covering it, which only made Calum laugh harder before he dived in and started to leave pecks all over Ashton’s face and wherever he could reach. Ashton felt as if his heart was going to burst out of his chest with giddiness, Calum’s hands even coming up to keep him in place as he went on with his onslaught of kisses. It made Ashton start giggling too, his arms circling Calum’s waist and bringing him closer, trying to hide his face in Calum’s neck to make it stop.

Calum was still giggling in between kisses, finally stopping down on Ashton’s temple, breathing easy and hands caressing Ashton’s neck.

“Come on, get in the shower.”

Ashton nodded and sighed before untangling himself, starting to walk to the bathroom before turning back and shooting Calum a smile.

“I’ll be quick. I can help you load the car when I’m out.”

“We’ll see.”

***

“Hey.” Ashton whispered as his eyes tried to focus.

 _Fuck, his neck hurt_. He had forgotten how fucking uncomfortable was to sleep in a car.

“Hey, sleepy-head.” Calum giggled softly behind the wheel, eyes trained on the motorway.

Ashton hummed, stretching himself how he could while still having his seat belt on, yawning loudly and rubbing his eyes as he tried to get them to focus again. He should never have left his contacts on for the ride.

“How was your nap?” Calum asked, his eyes flitting minutely to him.

“Good.” He had rested a bit, so, if you didn’t count the stiffness on his neck it had been good. However. “Still sleepy.”

He yawned again, couldn’t keep it in. It always went like this on the days he came out of a night shift. He would fall asleep for a couple of hours, sunlight not letting him sleep longer, would wake up, and proceed to spend the rest of his waking hours till after lunch where he would lie again for a longer nap being a yawning mess, sleep always around the edges of his brain.

“Go back to sleep, I don’t mind, Ash.”

Calum answered, his fingers tapping on the wheel to some unknown song. Ashton hadn’t thought of bringing music. Hadn’t thought of telling Calum to put whatever before he plunged into sleep. Well, he had his phone. He could put something on now.

“Nah, we were doing this so I could spend time with you.” He leaned forward, searching the glove compartment for the extension cord and plugged it into his phone and the car radio, rubbing his eye a little as he opened Spotify. “Where are we?”

“How much do you know about English countryside?”

Ashton huffed.

“Don’t be mean.”

That brought out a laugh from Calum’s lips, which was cut shortly when he actually glanced to Ashton, finding him with his arms closed and a furrow to his brow. Ashton added a pout just in case Calum could see out of the corner of his eye.

“We left Nottingham behind about forty-five minutes ago.”

Ashton hummed, sleep still clogging his mind. But. Oh. _Oh_.

“Why didn’t we stop to visit your family in the forest?”

“My _what_?”

“You know, your cuz Robin?”

Calum’s reaction was priceless. He whined, one hand coming up to rub his face, slumping against his seat and started groaning like he couldn’t take Ashton’s words.

“I can’t believe you’re making that joke.” He whined again, but he was laughing too, so Ashton counted it as a win. “Oh god, Ash, that’s _terrible_.”

Ashton giggled, raising his arms as if in self-defence. Calum was shaking his head lightly, the corner of his lips just a tiny bit quirked up.

“Hey, I’m sleep deprived, I’m allowed.” Ashton tried to defend. “My brain is utter shit.”

He started laughing again, but Calum’s eyes flitted to him a couple times, and Ashton could see the worry behind them.

“Go to sleep then. I really don’t mind.” He insisted, lowering down one hand and leaving it palm up on top of the gear stick. Ashton took it, lacing their fingers together and bringing it up to his lips, dropping a kiss on Calum’s knuckles.

“I do mind.” He started, letting their joined hands fall into his lap, looking to his right to where Calum was still surveying the road ahead. “I wanna talk to you. I _like_ talking to you.”

Calum smiled, but there was a teasing lilt to it.

“Over sleep?”

Ashton took a second as if he had to even think about it.

“On equal terms?”

He answered, his own tone mirroring Calum’s, who caught on to it so quickly.

“Bullshit.”

“Ugh, true. You caught me.” Ashton said lightly, surrendering, and letting Calum’s hand go back to the wheel. Calum giggled at him before Ashton finished his real thought. “Talking to you is _way_ better than sleep.”

At that, Calum started to get as red as a tomato, sputtering and not being able to even form a coherent sentence, making Ashton giggle in turn. It was the exact reaction he had been looking for, and it wasn’t like he had even painfully orchestrated it, it was just _that_ simple to get Calum flustered with just an account of the truth about what Ashton felt inside. Yes, he loved sleep, but talking with Calum was always _way_ better.

“Shut up.” He finally murmured, gripping the wheel and clearly forcing himself to keep looking ahead.

Ashton let out a short giggle before he resumed his task of finding some music for the journey. He settled on an old playlist of Sam Cooke’s and Otis Redding’s songs that Calum had gushed about the first time he snatched Ashton’s phone from his hands to take a look at his music. As soon as _Twistin’ the Night Away_ started playing Calum’s lips turned up in a smile, fingers drumming on the wheel at the rhythm of the song.

Ashton yawned again, rubbing his eyes a little more, before searching in his backpack for his contact lenses case, thinking he should have just taken them out earlier. He did a quick job of cleaning his hands before taking them out and storing them safely before he put on his glasses. Calum was softly singing along to the song, still smiling and even dancing a little –if moving his head like one of those puppy thingies for the back of a car was considered dancing–. It made Ashton smile.

“When are we stopping?”

Calum looked down to the clock behind the wheel, biting his lip. He looked like he was considering how much time he could drive for before he had to stop. Ashton had checked, they had to have been driving for at least two-and-a-half hours. It was way past time for them to have made a stop.

“Maybe in another half hour?” Calum asked, and really, Ashton could have smacked him if he wasn’t driving.

“Mr-Safe-Driving is telling me it’s okay to drive more than two hours at a time without stopping?” Ashton inquired, raising his eyebrow even though he knew Calum wouldn’t look. He would hear it in his tone though.

“Who says I didn’t stop while you were sleeping?” Calum asked, his lips quirking up.

“We wouldn’t be as far as we are now, that’s who. Or what. Whatever.” Ashton giggled. “I know you didn’t stop, because you wouldn’t run over the speed limit, and we are right where we would be if you _hadn’t_ stopped.”

Calum sighed, scratching his chin.

“I was waiting for one particular Service Area. You’re lucky. I’ll take the next exit.”

Ashton laughed lightly, leaning slightly forward a leaving a quick peck on Calum’s cheek.

“I’ll buy you a snack.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Calum was looking ahead, trying to hide the fact that he was blushing, and he looked so cute that Ashton couldn’t help but reach for his knee to squeeze it before he settled back into his seat. He knew Calum probably hadn’t stopped because he was waiting on Ashton to wake up. Or most probably, he hadn’t _wanted_ to wake him up when he stopped somewhere to stretch his legs.

Ashton’s eyes travelled around the car, trying to remember where he had stashed the snacks Calum had bought yesterday for the ride. He thought they had been in his backpack, but they weren’t there. Maybe they were in the backseat, with Calum’s stuff.

Calum’s telescope used almost all the space back there. He had been very adamant on bringing it. And although Ashton had seen it tucked away in a corner of Calum’s room when he had been to visit, he had never had a clear notion of just how fucking heavy and bulky it was. Now he kind of understood how Calum had fallen down a hill while carrying it. Well. That, and Calum’s sheer clumsiness. But Ashton pinned this one mostly on that monster. And darkness.

With how much space the telescope took up, there hadn’t been that much left for luggage, so Ashton had had to pack slightly more light than he would have liked. Calum had insisted he could borrow clothes of his without any problem while they were at his house, so Ashton had packed essentials and clothes and presents until his small suitcase was filled to the brim. He felt kind of naked knowing most of his stuff had remained in his closet back home. At least he had been able to pack some nicer clothes for New Year’s.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Calum brought him out of his thoughts as he put the turn signal to the left, taking the next exit. There was a giant sign indicating _Services_ as if the Service area wasn’t big enough to see. “We’re sleeping in my childhood room.”

“They’re letting me sleep with you?” Ashton had thought they probably wouldn’t. But he hadn’t truly had a relationship considered ‘adult’, so maybe his memories weren’t all that up to date on what parents allowed beneath their roofs. “You did tell them we were together _together_ , right?”

Calum snorted, shaking his head a little.

“Yeah, of course I did.” He answered like it was the most obvious thing. “I said boyfriend, you were right there with me. Plus, I’ve talked with Mali about you.”

 _What_. Well, Ashton had also told his mum he was seeing someone and had lightly given her updates, but he hadn’t talked about Calum to anyone besides _Luke._

“You’ve talked with her about me?” Ashton hate the slightly nervous tone his voice carried, betraying his thoughts. But Calum just chuckled, extending his hand for just a moment to grab Ashton’s in his.

“She asked the usual, how did we meet. What you did for a living. If I was happy.”

So maybe Mali was the one he really had to be worried about. He had considered it, knew Calum was pretty close with her, but… Ashton hadn’t actually given a thought of what _that_ implied.

He hummed.

“I told her I was _really_ happy.” Calum whispered, another one of those soft, small smiles on his face, and Ashton’s heart gave a somersault. Twice in a day. He was a lucky man.

Calum had quickly found parking near the entrance of the Service area, bringing the car to a stop. Ashton waited until he was done before leaning forward and catching his mouth in a surprise kiss, putting all his jumbled feelings into it, hoping Calum would understand. He still said it out loud.

“I am really happy with you too.”

He whispered when they separated, relishing Calum’s tinted cheeks. The younger was bashfully looking away, but he did lean in one more time for a peck before he moved away and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Come on, you said you’d buy snacks and I’m hungry.”

Ashton laughed, picking his wallet from the backpack at his feet before following Calum, lacing their fingers together as soon as the younger’s hand was within reach.

He bought Calum a chai latte and some piece of carrot cake for them to share and ordered a coffee for himself while the younger boy made a trip to the bathroom and searched for a table.

Ashton observed him from his place in the queue. Calum had snatched a table in the corner of the café, next to a giant window pane, sun hitting straight into it. He looked like some beautiful painting. It made Ashton’s breath catch in his throat and his thoughts jumble up. The barista had to snap him out of it with a cough when he had their order ready. Ashton muttered a _‘thank you’_ with his cheeks tinted red and made his way to Calum with his head down.

“So, your parents don’t mind us sleeping together, then?”

He said once he had taken a seat across Calum, watching as the younger’s lips stretched into a smile as he tasted his tea.

“We’re not doing anything really, are we?”

That was true. After that night when Calum sucked him off and Ashton helped him finish, they hadn’t done anything else. The situation hadn’t arisen, and neither had tried to look for it.

“No, no. We’re not.” Ashton answered. “We haven’t, last week. And I wasn’t like, thinking about… at your house. I mean, I didn’t expect to, because after that night we haven’t really done anything, and I wouldn’t want to assume, much less under your parents’ roof, but did you just tell them we weren’t doing anyth–”

“Ash, _slow_.” Calum interrupted him, taking his hand a squeezing. Ashton hadn’t even noticed how fast he had been breathing until Calum stopped him. There it was that déjà vu feeling again, to a similar conversation with Bec. Well, not similar, because Calum and him had discussed the sex before and after, but here he was a week after and having a mental break down that came out of nowhere.

Calum’s thumb was stroking over his hand slowly, his eyes searching Ashton’s.

“Do you want to talk about this?” He whispered, and Ashton felt the world for him for posing the question that way, letting the door open for Ashton to hide or stay quiet until he dealt with whatever he was feeling on his own. Until he felt ready to talk about it with him. Calum was way too considerate for his own good.

But Ashton didn’t want to hide. He had been right when he thought they had a deeper understanding between them. He should just try to voice his thoughts in a way that it made sense.

“I…” He started, Calum’s curious eyes trained on him. “I _think_ that. Uh.” He sighed, blinking away for a moment trying to put his thoughts in order. “It’s just. I know it’s weird, us not…”

“What?” Calum looked confused.

“We are of a certain age, and I know it’s weird us not having–” Ashton did a quick once-over to check there wasn’t anyone listening in, “–sex.”

Calum sighed, his eyes closing for a moment before he brought his other hand up, taking Ashton’s in both.

“Why are you always so concerned about what other people do?”

There was a downward turn to Calum’s lip that Ashton had only seen before he started crying, and although Calum’s eyes were completely dry, he felt guilty for putting it there.

“I am not _concerned_.” Ashton tried. “It’s just, I know this isn’t normal, it’s n–”

“Well, maybe it is for _us_.” Calum cut him. “Ashton we talked about it. We said we would just do stuff when we both felt up for it. It hasn’t happened, so what?”

“Yeah, when we _both_ felt up for it. There you have it.” Calum frowned like he didn’t like what Ashton was getting to. “It’s _me_ the only one with issues. I know I’m the problem.”

Calum opened and closed his mouth a couple of times like he didn’t know how to answer. Then he closed his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief.

“There isn’t a _problem,_ Ash. I thought I made it clear that we don’t need to shag for me –for us– to be happy with the relationship. There are a hundred more important things.”

“But you still–”

“Do you really think I feel up for it when I know you’re having a bad day? When I know you just need emotional support?” Calum whispered, trying not to get attention to their table, his hands squeezing down on Ashton’s. “It wasn’t a good time, and besides, I like spending time with you just talking. I like how you think, I like our conversations.”

Ashton nodded, flushing under Calum’s gaze. He hadn’t considered it from that point of view. He felt Calum’s index turning up his chin, a gentle smile on his face.

“Sex may be important, yeah, but only when you’re in a good place of mind to actually enjoy it.” Ashton nodded again. “It will happen when it happens.”

At that Calum stroked his cheek and sent him another smile before retracting his hands and taking another sip of his tea. He looked lost in thought though. The downward turn on his mouth still remaining, his brow just a hint furrowed.

Ashton took a cue and drank from his own coffee, now cool enough to drink without burning his tongue, and savouring the taste. It was good. He had known it would be good as soon as he sniffed it. He wasn’t usually one to drink at Costa, but maybe he would start giving them a chance.

Calum was lost to the world, it seemed, his hand absently stirring his tea. Ashton wondered if he was thinking about what they had just talked about, or if it were the nerves Ashton knew he was feeling about going back home finally coming out.

There weren’t that many people at the coffee shop given the traffic they had encountered in the motorway. There had been a traffic jam just as they got into it, some accident or something. Ashton had fallen asleep around there. When he woke up, there was still a considerable amount of traffic.

He supposed it were people like them, travelling for Christmas break. Although those people were probably going back home, like Calum, and unlike Ashton, who was going to spend his first ever Christmas away from home with people he didn’t know. As much as Calum had assured him everything would be okay, Ashton felt uneasy. He was missing Harry and Lauren a whole lot, his mum too. He missed her hugs.

“Ash.”

Calum’s eyes were still trained on his mug, but he had definitely called on him. Ashton was worried now, because the furrow in Calum’s brow had deepened, and his eyes looked tormented.

“Yeah?”

He hated how small his voice was. Calum looked up from his cup, his gaze laced with something Ashton couldn’t put his finger on.

“Do you regret having sex? Is that what that was?” Calum’s voice was no louder than a breath, but Ashton still heard it, his heart stopping for a second at Calum’s tone. But no. It wasn’t that what had Ashton’s mind reeling.

“No, no. It’s not that. I _promise_.” This time it was him who reached for Calum’s hand across the table, keeping his eyes locked with his. “I don’t regret it, Calum, and I don’t think I ever will. I _needed_ you. I… I needed to have you close to me. That’s why I talked to you about it that night. I needed to be close to you in every way.”

Calum nodded, some of the tension leaving his face. He leaned forward, his eyes still entwined with Ashton’s.

“Then why are you worrying about whether or not we have sex now? We talked about it. It was… I feel the same way about that night. Why this now?” He whispered.

“Because it feels like it just depends on me. And I don’t like feeling like I’m keeping something from you.” Ashton confessed in a whisper. This conversation wasn’t exactly appropriate to be having it out where anyone could eavesdrop, but it was happening, so Ashton just dealt with it. Even if he had to divert his gaze somewhere else after having said what he felt.

He heard Calum sigh in front of him, like he was running out of patience, but he was nothing but gentle when he started talking again.

“I _understand_ that you may feel that way, Ash,–” He started, his voice so soft that it made Ashton look back up to him. “–, but I assure you I don’t feel like you are keeping _anything_ from me. You’ve opened up to me with things that… That can’t have been easy to talk about. That’s not _keeping things_ from me. It’s the opposite, actually.” Calum chuckled, and that simple sound brought the beginnings of a smile to Ashton’s own lips. He could never resist Calum. “I don’t care about sex in the way that you’re implying, and you know that because we feel the same way about it. I told you. And I will keep telling you however long you need me to. It will happen when it happens, there is absolutely no pressure to be like _‘everybody else_ ’. We are us. We have our own way.”

Ashton tried swallowing past the lump that had formed in his throat, blinking quickly to try to disperse any tears threatening to fall at Calum’s sheer considerate nature.

“Okay.” He mumbled, nodding as Calum’s thumb reached up to wipe out the single tear that had escaped. He was smiling at Ashton softly, eyes kind and radiating warmth. Ashton smiled back, unable to control his face muscles.

“These are the things I want you to tell me. I don’t like you going through a rough time because of anything like this, Ash.” He squeezed Ashton’s hand for good measure. Ashton sighed as he returned it, his eyes flitting downwards for a moment.

“I just didn’t want to bring stuff up about it. It’s not such a big deal.” He mumbled, focusing on how the frosting from the cake was sliding slowly down the side, eyes obviously avoiding Calum’s. Which didn’t last much because the younger called on him and something in his voice made Ashton look up. It always did.

“It _is_ a big deal if it’s making you worry or feel bad about it.”

Ashton nodded, inhaling slowly. Calum was waiting for him to reply, his thumb back to stroking his palm.

“It’s not easy to _not_ feel bad about it.” Calum opened his mouth to protest, but Ashton raised his free hand, cutting him. “No matter how I interiorise the logic you gave me, it’s not easy. I don’t know why. I just… I’ll try.”

“And please tell me?” Calum added, his eyes searching Ashton’s, trying to make him agree. His smile from before had vanished, replaced by a hesitant expression and him worrying his lower lip.

Ashton nodded, a little choked up to say anything else, but smiling so he could see Calum smiling back. It was important that Calum smiled. Ashton hated it when he was sad or worried, no matter how important it was to let every emotion run its course. It still didn’t mean Ashton had to _enjoy_ seeing Calum down.

“Anyway,–” Calum started, retracting his hand and scratching just behind his ear. “– I definitely don’t think sex it’s a thing to worry about during our stay at my parents’ house just because they are allowing us to sleep on the same bed. Not that we haven’t been doing that already.”

He finished, laughing quietly at the end, making Ashton laugh a little albeit nervously.

“Why not?”

Calum just snorted, his eyes shining with mirth as if he knew something Ashton didn’t. Well, didn’t know for long, because Calum came out with it before he broke out laughing for good.

“Their bedroom is right below mine and the walls and ceiling are paper thin. Well, not really, but sound carries _freakishly_ well. I think they think that’s warning enough.”

He was covering his mouth now, unable to stop his laughter, Ashton’s cheeks growing red at the implication and a bout of laughter escaping him, mirroring Calum’s.

This time they _had_ attracted attention to their table, people looking at them like they were a pair of lunatics, laughing their asses off for god knows what reason. In truth Ashton wasn’t even laughing about the situation any more than he was laughing just because it felt good to release some tension from before. But they both calmed down in a bit, Calum’s eyes glistening with tears from laughing way too hard.

“... I’d assume that’s enough of a warning, yes.” Ashton said after taking another sip from his coffee to have a moment to gather himself. Calum nodded with a smile across from him.

“Aha.”

“ _Great_.”

At that Calum snorted again before starting to attack the cake, putting a piece in his mouth before answering.

“Yeah, I know.”

***

Ashton woke up surrounded by a smell he couldn’t exactly place, burrowing into the soft bed he was lying on. It took him a couple more minutes to realise it wasn’t his own bed he was lying on. It weren’t his sheets. These were dark blue, littered with stars. _Oh_. _Calum’s room_. Yeah. He was here. Scotland.

Ashton smiled at the sheets surrounding him, so predictable and still so surprising that even during his teenage years and after Calum had stuck to star printed sheets. It was actually kind of cute.

He rolled on his back, stretching a bit. Ashton had definitely needed a nap, even when he had denied it time and again to Calum in the car. But when they reached his house, arriving just in time for mid-afternoon tea, awkward introductions done over snacks and Calum’s reunion with his parents, well. Ashton had tried to stifle the yawns, hide them, but he was kind of dead on his feet. And Calum had noticed straight away, excusing himself and Ashton from his parents and taking the older upstairs to his room in the attic and coaxing him into bed. Ashton had let him do it partly because he knew while he slept Calum had a chance to spend time with his parents without Ashton being in the middle. Mali hadn’t been there, would be turning in for dinner. Which. Maybe it was near, now.

Ashton had no real notion of how long he had slept for, but he now felt kind of rested, so he supposed it had to have been around two or three hours. He stretched his hand to grab his glasses from the bedside table. His eyes travelled the room he had been too tired to take in before, from the glow in the dark stars and planets stuck right above the bed to real ones he could see on the sky patch available to the eye through the small window above, on the higher part of the ceiling.

There were several posters covering the walls. Quite a few of them were from Queen, worn down. Ashton wondered if they had been passed down to Calum from one of his parents.

There were also books everywhere. On shelves. On top of the desk. On piles on the floor. Ashton had never known Calum was an avid reader, his bedroom back at Cambridge only displaying his textbooks and such. But it kind of made sense in a way. It... _fit_ him. There was a guitar case next to the desk. He would have to ask about that.

Just as Ashton was going to get up to gossip a little bit more, Calum came in through the door, clearly trying not to make any noise as he closed it slowly, before turning around and stopping abruptly, a smile growing on his face when he saw Ashton was awake.

“Good, you’re up. Mali just arrived from work. I thought I’d check on you, Mum said we would be having dinner soonish.”

Ashton smiled and nodded, making grabby hands at Calum, who walked the rest of the way to the bed and let Ashton pull him in, even if he let out a pained sound when he landed on one of Ashton’s hands with his stomach.

“Hi.”

“Hey.” Ashton whispered back, kind of lost in Calum’s eyes. They were beautiful up close. Always a trap.

He sneaked his arms around Calum’s waist, pulling him in for a kiss, making the younger sigh on top of him. Ashton licked his lips, tasting something familiar.

“You taste like Christmas cookies.” He whispered when they broke apart. “Why do you taste like Christmas cookies?”

“I may have eaten raw dough.” Calum whispered back, like it was a secret.

“Why didn’t you say that was allowed? You wouldn’t let me when we baked them back home.” Ashton complained, pouting.

Calum giggled on top of him, his eyes crinkling up. He looked happy. Ashton was glad.

“Will you forgive me for that if I lead you to it now?” Calum asked as soon as he sobered up. “There’s still some left, but we need to be quick, dad’s about to get the last batch on the oven.”

At that he got up, offering Ashton a hand, pulling him up from the bed and raising his other hand to stabilise them when Ashton lost his footing right as he stood up, sheets bunching up around him. He laughed before he leaned forward, stealing a kiss from Calum’s lips and leaving him dumbfounded when Ashton pulled back.

“Should I dress up?”

Calum smiled, shaking his head no. He had lent Ashton some sweatpants to sleep on because Ashton had forgotten to pack his, and he wasn’t going to put on pyjamas just as he got here. The pants felt worn down and soft.

“Nah, no one’s going to care. I’m wearing same as you.” He gestured down, and sure enough, he was wearing comfy clothes, a sweatshirt and some joggers. “Plus, I like you in my clothes.”

Calum’s smile wasn’t as smug-like as Ashton had thought it would be, it was just a small grin, slightly hinting at some bashfulness behind Calum’s words at having admitted it. Ashton felt warmth spreading all through his body, blood rushing to his cheeks. He laughed a little, his eyes darting away from Calum in an attempt to conceal just how many feelings that simple phrase had caused to be floating around in his chest.

“Lead the way to the cookie dough, then.”

Calum shook his head with a laugh, tugging on his hand towards the door and down the stairs, the smell of Christmas cookies wafting up to Ashton’s nose and making his stomach grumble.

He was quite nervous now. Before, Joy and David had seemed welcoming enough, insisting he called them by their first names and giving him a hug just as he was crossing the door. They seemed warm. But they still were strangers. Well. Not strangers. _Calum’s parents_. Which somehow made Ashton even more nervous. Not to say anything about how scared he was of meeting Mali.

They reached downstairs soon enough, Calum raising a finger to his lips and tugging on his hand, sneaking past the living room where Ashton was hearing a young woman’s voice talking with Joy –it still felt weird as fuck calling Calum’s mother by her first name, but she had _really_ insisted–. Once they were in front of the kitchen’s door, Calum stopped, opened it slowly, trying not to make a sound. But the door creaked and Ashton heard Calum’s dad booming laughter, saw him looking straight at them when Calum let go of the door and it gradually opened up completely.

Kitchen was lovely, David cooking something on the stove that Ashton supposed was dinner –and it smelled _good_ –, one batch of cookies in the oven, and the working space cleared up. They had gotten here too late.

“If you were looking for the raw dough, I’ve left you a bit on that bowl over there.” David answered pointing at it with a spoon before beckoning them inside.

Calum turned to him smiling sheepishly before walking up to the bowl and offering it to Ashton, munching on a bit himself. Ashton closed the door behind himself, not wanting the warmth accumulated here to dissipate, rubbing the sole his foot on his calf.

“Don’t you guys eat too much, we’ll be having dinner in a few.”

Ashton couldn’t help but giggle, because yeah, he had tried it, but Calum was licking the bowl clean.

“You’re going to get a stomachache.” Ashton said, shaking his head with a laugh.

“I told him that before, let’s hope he listens to you more than he does to me.”

“Hey! I listen to you.” Calum protested. Then turned to Ashton and whispered, “Only when it’s convenient.”

Ashton laughed a bit more, David’s eyes meeting his from across the room and a smile growing on his face. Ashton felt himself returning it on instinct. Okay. He could do this. It wasn’t as scary as he thought.

But then the door opened suddenly from behind, startling Ashton and making him jump a little, and Calum started laughing at him. Ashton let out an offended yelp at his boyfriend just standing there laughing, but it was the least of his problems, apparently.

“Hi, I guess you’re Ashton?”

He turned around to find what he knew from pictures was Mali, smiles all around, but Ashton could tell she was sizing him up. Her eyes were studying him carefully. The resemblance with Calum was _uncanny_ , now that he saw her in person.

“Yeah, I’m uh, Ashton. Nice to meet you.”

 _Real smooth_. Like, if his entire posture didn’t let on that he was nervous, his fucked up social skills would.

“Nice to meet you too.” Mali’s smile widened before coming up for a hug that Ashton returned, kind of in a daze.

“How was work?” Calum piped in from behind Ashton, hooking up his chin on his shoulder and arms circling his waist once Mali broke the hug. Ashton appreciated both the save and the physical touch, it grounded him a little, made it easier to breathe.

“Same as always. It really doesn’t change that much. You know it.” Mali sighed, but she was smiling.

“What do you do?” Ashton asked. Calum had never mentioned it, and Ashton had been too wrapped up in Calum himself to ask.

“I’m assistant manager in a small inn by the coast. I get to meet a lot of different people. It’s fun.”

“What she means, is she gets to boss around the staff, while getting the best of meeting tourists and foreigners coming to visit.” Calum said low in Ashton’s ear, but it wasn’t low enough that Mali couldn’t hear, and she narrowed her eyes at her brother.

“I don’t recall you complaining when I get you rooms for a very cheap price.” She smirked, and her eyes flitted minutely to Ashton before she was back to glaring at Calum.

“Oh, well. You’re right. I am most thankful to you.” Calum answered still hugging Ashton, and Mali just stuck her tongue out to him, making Ashton laugh. They reminded him of Harry and Lauren back home. Although these two here were supposed to have grown out of that phase. Whatever. It was fun to see Calum in this light. Eye opening, too.

“How was the drive?” Mali asked, her focus back on Ashton, a more open smile now gracing her features.

“Long. Although your brother made me sleep for like, the first two hours of it.” Ashton answered, and that got a laugh from Mali, Calum poking his sides.

“You needed rest.” Calum complained. Ashton saw David eyeing them from his spot in front of the stove, shaking his head at his son, a smile stretching on his lips. “A 12 hour night shift doesn’t exactly leave you bright and fresh.”

“Oh, true, you worked last night.” Mali frowned. Then she smiled at Ashton. “I’m glad now Calum understands what it’s like to have a night shift. He used to make fun of me for falling asleep on the breakfast table after one of those when I first started working at the inn.”

Ashton turned in Calum’s arms to gape at him.

“You made fun of her? That’s mean.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Calum pouted, his eyes blinking rapidly. Ashton knew he was trying to make Ashton feel bad for him, but with Mali eyeing him from the side, he found himself resisting the power of Calum’s puppy dog eyes for the first time.

“I’m with Mali on this, sorry.” Ashton shrugged.

Calum’s pout dissolved in laughter, leaning forward and pecking him. And it wasn’t like Ashton was against PDA, but he hadn’t exactly expected it from Calum right out of the bat and without any prompt for it either. It left him wide-eyed and blushing, coughing a little before turning back to face Mali, who was smiling softly at them both. It was then that Ashton noticed the time, the clock on the wall saying it was more than half past 7. Fuck. He forgot he had promised to call home.

“Do I have time to Skype home before dinner?” He asked Calum. “I think Harry and Lauren were waiting to open presents with me.”

Calum looked to his dad, still at the stove and still adding stuff to the pot, but the older man just waved his hand, gesturing Ashton to go.

“Yeah, yeah. Go.” Calum smiled at him.

“Are you sure?” Ashton asked, worrying his lower lip. He didn’t want to disappear from here, but he knew Harry would have woken up early to open presents, and that Lauren probably wouldn’t have the strength to make him wait much longer.

“Go talk with your family.” Calum smiled again, pushing him towards the door where Mali had stepped away to make way. “I left the WiFi password on my desk earlier.”

Calum pushed Ashton again, but the older turned back and pecked him quickly, relishing in how this time it was Calum blushing at the sudden display of affection in front of his family.

“Thanks, babe.”

That sealed it, Calum sputtering and Mali stifling a laugh behind her hands.

“ _Go_.”

***

“I like you. Cal hasn’t looked this happy in ages.” Mali said as Ashton was reaching the ground floor. She was sitting on the last step of the stairs, her back against the wall. Her words made Ashton stop abruptly, one foot hanging in the air between one step and the next one where Mali was sitting.

“Huh?”

“You’re the first boyfriend he brings here, you know.” She smiled up at him. “Actually, I think you’re the first one mum and dad meet, too.”

_Oh._

_  
“_ I… Um…”

That brought out a short laugh from her.

“Don’t think too much about it. We were just surprised when he told us last week you were coming.”

Ashton retreated his foot, right hand clutching the bannister tighter. _Calum had never brought anyone else home?_ That was news. Like. Calum had posed it as a casual holiday where they would just happen to be staying with his family. But he had never even introduced his last partners to them. That… This… Inviting Ashton had to be somewhat meaningful to him. It honestly scared Ashton a little bit.

Mali was peering up at him inquisitively –and Ashton prayed his red eyes had gone down slightly with the cold water from the tap–. When she arched an eyebrow, expectantly, Ashton suddenly remembered he hadn’t even answered her.

“It wasn’t really planned.” He started, his free hand coming up and scratching his nape. “I was going to stay home and rest. Calum insisted I come here.”

“That, I believe.” Mali huffed. Then she patted the free space left on the step she was, motioning Ashton to get down. She didn’t mention his obviously red-rimmed eyes, and Ashton silently thanked her for not doing so. “Cal’s helping mum set the table, sit down for a bit.”

“Oh. Okay.”

He hurried to take a seat, his back to the banister, facing Mali. But she had this faraway look on her face as if she was thinking hard about something.

She didn’t say anything for a while, Ashton getting a little nervous. Mali had this _energy_ about her that commanded respect –and it honestly made him a little bit afraid of her–. He supposed it came with the job. But beneath that, and knowing what he did about her from Calum, he knew there was more warmth than anything else. It’s what made Ashton relax slightly.

“I could tell Calum didn’t want to come back home.” She whispered, blinking a couple of times before facing Ashton again. “Well, it’s not that he didn’t _want_ to.” The small chuckle that escaped her lips reminded him of Calum. “He’s been _avoiding_ coming back.”

She was looking at Ashton, trying to search for something on his face. Ashton thought he knew what she was searching for.

“Because of your Nan’s passing.” He whispered back, and he could see the surprise growing on her face at the fact that Ashton _knew_.

“Cal told you about that?”

Her raised eyebrows knitted together slightly as if she was trying to asses that development. In the end she sighed, looking away and back to the front door, pulling her legs up and hugging them to herself. Ashton was seeing way too many parallels between her and Calum, just realising how much of an impact Mali had had on him.

“I just–.” She stopped, inhaling deep before exhaling it in one long breath. “He doesn’t want to talk to me about it. Nor Dad. Mum didn’t even try, said he needed space.”

Ashton didn’t know how to answer to that. He wasn’t exactly the most indicated to answer, either way. In his case, Ashton hadn’t just _not talked_ about it. He had basically ran away from the memories and buried it all deep, deep down.

“Everyone grieves differently.” He muttered, eyes trained on the floor. There was a mark there, on the first step, like something heavy had fallen down hard enough to press the wood beneath the carpet in. Ashton wondered if it had been one of Calum’s telescopes. He had discovered the younger had like three more here, all ranging from portable to fucking heavy and having to stay in Calum’s room at all times because it was impossible to move. That one had to have cost a fortune.

“Yeah, that’s true.” Mali sighed, turning to look back at him, smiling soft. “I’m glad he confides in someone. Well, apart from Mike. Which, by the way. Michael said you had his seal of approval.”

Ashton huffed a laugh.

“What?”

Mali laughed a little too, her eyes sparkling.

“He hasn’t ever said that about any of Calum’s boyfriends before. Just so you know.” She added.

Ashton didn’t know what to feel about that. He had never even thought about Michael giving him a onceover to test if he was good enough for Calum.

“I’m... honoured?” He finally answered Mali, still confused.

“Should be.” She chuckled. “If Mike hasn’t tried to scare you away, it’s because he thinks you’re good for Calum.”

Ashton hummed. Well. Okay. He liked Michael, got on well with him when he wasn’t being overtly obnoxious. He was a fun guy, and he knew he had been taking care of Calum for a long, _long_ time. In a way, knowing that Ashton was the first one to ever please him enough that he thought he was good for his best friend filled Ashton with warmth.

Mali had shaken her head at him, her amused smile reaching her eyes. The calculated look she had had when he first met her before in the kitchen was still there, but it was much fainter. Ashton wondered if she thought he was good enough for Calum too. Her eyes told him she knew exactly what he was thinking, so he just came out with it.

“And what do _you_ think?”

There was a moment of silence in which Ashton’s fear of meeting her came back full force. If Mali didn’t like him… Calum was incredibly close with her. It wouldn’t be good for Ashton.

“Does it matter what _I_ think?” Mali countered, but she was smiling openly, Ashton’s heart calming just a tad inside his chest. “Cal chose you, trusts you, brought you here with him after you’ve only been together for a month. That has to mean something, to him. And I trust his judgement.”

That should have let Ashton breathe easier, but he was still feeling uneasy.

“He said he talked to you about me.”

“Oh, yeah. He talks about you all the time. Even before you started dating. You kind of made an impression with the hero act when you first met. Calum is a sucker for gestures like that.” Mali laughed.

Ashton felt colour rising to his cheeks. Even when he was with Calum, when other people pointed out how Calum liked him, it still made him wonder how _that_ had happened.

He shook his head, trying to clear everything out. Mali had said she trusted Calum’s judgement, but that went both ways. Calum trusted hers, and Ashton knew she had to have an opinion. And her _‘I like you.’_ at the beginning of this conversation couldn’t be all there was to it.

“I, um. You… You just said that it wouldn’t matter what you thought, but Calum values your judgement too.” Mali’s lips were quirking up just a bit, clearly knowing what Ashton was trying to ask even when he was fumbling around with his words, not even wording it like a question.

“Everyone who makes Calum happy is good for him in my book.” She answered with a smile.

“That simple?”

“I mean, I still don’t know you. But _he_ does. And you make him happy! You got him to open up, to trust you.” She shook her head with a grin as if she didn’t believe she had to explain this out to Ashton. But Ashton was too astonished to even process it. “Plus, he smiles a lot more than before. I wasn’t lying earlier. I like you.”

Ashton let out an embarrassed laugh, eyes darting away from Mali’s.

Well. His biggest fear had kind of being for nothing. Now that it had dissipated Ashton truly begun to grasp how much it had been weighing on him since last week to be coming here and somehow not being accepted –or _liked_ – by Calum’s family. It was like his worries had been for nothing. Calum was going to tease him a lot when Ashton fessed up to just how much he had been stressing over this.

Just then, said boy came from through the door to the living room, smiling when he found them both on the stairs.

“Hey, how was home?”

Mali smiled at Ashton once more before getting up and disappearing into the living room. Ashton watched her go until the door closed behind her before focusing on Calum, who had taken Mali’s seat right next to him.

“It was great, Harry loves the new game. Lauren liked the books Michael recommended, too. I should thank him for that.”

He had been at a total loss on what to get her –and thank god for Amazon, truly, or he would have been screwed on how to get them to her on time–, until Michael had suggested this new history-fiction trilogy he had found. It was weird, but, knowing his sister was a bit of a history nerd and loved those kinds of plots, Ashton hadn’t hesitated to call his mum immediately to ask her if Lauren had them already. She hadn’t, and Ashton had never been more relieved in his life.

He felt Calum’s hand searching for his on his lap, bringing it up and leaving a kiss on the back of it, his eyes a bit worried.

“And how are you?”

 _Fuck._ He should’ve known Calum would sense his mood as soon as he saw him. Honestly, he shouldn’t even be surprised by now. It still shook him that the younger could read him so well.

“I miss them.” He confessed in a low voice. “A lot. And I don’t know why, but today it’s hitting me hard.”

Calum bit his lip, his eyes growing sad for a moment before engulfing him in a hug. His right hand snaked up and started caressing Ashton’s curls, Calum’s nose tucked into the side of his neck, breathing hard. Ashton squeezed him, silently thanking him for the hug. When he was about to let go, Calum tightened the hug again, moving up his head and pressing a kiss on his temple.

When he finally leaned back a little, he was searching for Ashton’s eyes.

“Do you prefer for us to have dinner alone? My parents wouldn’t mind.” His eyes screamed worried, and Ashton didn’t realise why until he felt the hand Calum had on his hair retreating and his thumb wiping away a stray tear. He felt stupid for getting emotional.

“It’s not necessary. I just need a couple of minutes.”

Calum bit his lower lip at that. He was stroking some loose curls away from Ashton’s face, tucking them behind his ear.

“Are you sure?”

Ashton sniffled, bringing his own hand up to dry the corner of his eyes, trying to sober up.

“Yeah. Yeah. Don’t worry, Cal.” He sent him a smile for good measure, but Calum still looked worried. “Plus, I wouldn’t want to be rude. Like, it’s not exactly polite to disappear on the first night here. I already disappeared from tea.”

“You needed to sleep, that’s not disappearing.” Calum countered. “And if you’re not feeling up to dinner, it isn’t either. They would _understand_.”

His thumb was slowly stroking his cheek, Ashton’s right hand coming up to held Calum’s still as he turned his head to kiss it.

“I can do one dinner.” He smiled.

Calum chuckled, his eyes crinkling up.

“Just the one?”

Ashton let out a short laugh, darting his eyes away and training them on the floor.

“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.” He muttered, making Calum giggle. Ashton liked that sound. A lot.

It was just getting to him now, that he would be kind of alone, ten thousand miles away from his family. His mum had seen right through him, taken the phone away with her as soon as Harry and Lauren had thanked him for their presents, closing the kitchen door behind her and sitting down. Ashton had known she was waiting on him to cry or start talking, whatever happened first.

It had kind of been both at the same time. He talked to her about how he wished he was back there. She told him to try to enjoy his stay at Calum’s. And Ashton had really needed a hug from his mum right then, but it couldn’t be done, not when there was a screen between them –and a few kilometres too–. Calum’s hug was a decent substitute, but sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and let your mum hug you.

“Are you sure you don’t prefer us being alone?”

“Yes.” Ashton sniffled one last time, drying his cheeks and turning back to smile at Calum. “Let’s go.”

Calum smiled back before lacing their fingers, squeezing, leading him to the dining room.

Thankfully, Calum didn’t let go during the first few –read, thirty– minutes they spent at the table, slightly awkward and stilted conversation before things started to flow. Calum’s dad’s cooking was so _good_ , Ashton was starting to seriously want to do research to see if that had anything to do with genetics or it was just practice and good recipes.

They were moving on to desert when general questions about Calum’s life in Cambridge and Ashton’s work at the hospital ran out. Ashton had been more than a bit surprised to learn that although Calum called home a lot, his family didn’t know much about his day to day. It felt kind of uncomfortable knowing more things about his habits back at Cambridge than his own parents did. Thankfully, Mali had swooped in and asked about Ashton’s shifts and how he coped with them changing all the time. The answer had been, he normally didn’t.

Joy had been studying him all throughout dinner, making him feel kind of self-conscious, but it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable. He hadn’t had the chance to talk to her, like he had with Mali, so he supposed that was what was causing him to feel a little off.

And then.

“So, what brought you to the UK?” David asked him.

Ashton tried not to choke. He knew that was probably one of the questions they would eventually ask him, and it still left him with his heart beating fast and painfully. He felt Calum sneaking up a hand towards his knee again, squeezing. A silent reassurance that he was there with him.

“Just wanted to see a little of the world.” He answered quickly with a smile. “I wanted to travel a little before settling down.”

Calum’s dad nodded, smiling too, but his mom and Mali were glancing at him strangely. He tried swallowing only to find a lump on his throat as David kept talking, completely oblivious.

“Did that myself, in my gap year. Curiously to Australia and New Zealand.” He was chuckling softly, his expression kind. His eyes shifted between Calum and Ashton for just a moment, meaningfully. Then he was looking at his wife with what Ashton could only call heart eyes. “That’s what led me to the love of me life.” He sighed. “Lucky thing, travelling.”

Ashton’s heart was still beating furiously, but this time it was fuelled by the implications of David’s words. He hadn’t meant what Ashton had thought he meant, right? He looked to his right to Calum, but the younger boy was staring down to his lap, cheeks a brilliant red. Okay. Maybe he had. _Oh god_. Did this have anything to do with the fact that he was the first boyfriend Calum introduced to them?

David was looking at him again, smiling kindly, and Ashton darted his eyes away for a moment just in time to see Calum finishing his glass of water until the last drop. Great. Wonderful ally he had there if after every slightly difficult situation he just drank water. When he woke Ashton up in the middle of the night to go pee all this water Ashton was sure as hell going to make him pay.

“Do you have any plans on going back home? Or are you thinking about staying here?”

Calum’s dad was either really really oblivious, or he was intent on getting all the important answers from him tonight. By the way Mali rolled her eyes Ashton would say it was the first one though.

“Um. Not at the moment, no.” Ashton smiled, albeit a bit uncomfortably. “I like living here. Well, at Cambridge. It’s good work, and I’ve made some friends that had made it kind of like my home. I would like to stay here, for the time being. I kind of think of it as my second home.”

David’s eyes glinted at that, a smile growing on his lips.

“That’s good. Feeling like home away from home is difficult, but you can always find a way if you have good people around you.” Joy smiled gently at him from the other side of the table. And yeah, Ashton hadn’t given a thought about how she had basically done the same.

Calum had told him his parents had stayed back at New Zealand at first, Mali being born there. But then his dad had gotten an offer back here, from his previous business partner, and they had packed things and moved to Scotland before Calum was born.

So she kind of understood what Ashton was going through. Both of them did.

“Yeah, you always can.” He smiled back, nodding, warmth spreading through his chest at the thought that, yeah. He had moved here to run away from Bec’s memory, but in the process he had gotten to meet Luke, the rest of the people at the unit, _Calum_. It all had helped him think of Cambridge as home. And even when he still missed Sydney terribly, he had a feeling it was more about the people he had left behind than about the place itself –although he did miss the beach–.

Ashton actually could see himself settling down at Cambridge. It was as a good place as any, and he would have Luke near. And maybe when he turned to look at Calum and the younger boy smiled at him, Ashton’s mind painted a picture of what his future – _their_ future– could be. It made Ashton’s heart speed up in his chest.

***

“Hey.”

He heard Calum as he opened up the door to the garden, hesitant steps stopping right behind Ashton. He turned around to find the younger boy holding enough blankets for an army.

“Hey.” He whispered, smiling a little.

“I was going to invite you back to my room for cuddles but, remember what I said about noise carrying?” He ended with a grimace. A grimace that Ashton returned. Hearing a parent having sex was never comfortable. “I brought blankets instead. Mali told me where you were before she left.”

Ashton nodded, rubbing his hands. He had been here for about ten minutes, and his fingers were starting to complain. Calum seemed to notice, because his voice turned all worried as he knelt in front of him, searching for his eyes.

“I can turn on the heater, too?”

He nodded again, his eyes not really focusing on Calum’s, and even though he saw the worry in the younger’s face, he could do nothing as he kept rubbing his hands together, his thoughts a giant jumbled mess.

It wasn’t like there was anything _wrong_. He had been just fine at dinner, but… Too many stimuli, too many new people –three was _a lot_ for a hermit like him–, too many questions and statements… Plus being away from home for Christmas. It just… Ashton felt weird in his own skin.

He could hear Calum moving the heater and plugging it to an outlet Ashton hadn’t even seen before, coming back before Ashton and smiling at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice small. Ashton hated the hard time he was giving Calum, with all his rollercoaster of emotions. He didn’t know what was happening to him today. It was like he felt happy, and then he came back down because he missed home, or missed Bec, or felt weird about things Calum’s family mentioned like it was nothing, or whatever other things he hadn’t yet completely figured out yet.

“Yeah, I just… It felt like too much.” He finally whispered, sighing right afterwards and looking up at the sky. It was a clear night.

“My family can be a little bit… overwhelming.” Calum conceded.

“It wasn’t that.” Ashton chuckled. “They’re great.”

He sighed as he felt Calum taking a seat behind him, beckoning him to rest his back on his chest. Ashton did, gladly. Even in the cold, Calum’s body was still as hot as a furnace. He appreciated the body heat very much. Plus, Calum had thrown a blanket over their legs, another one over his back and coming around to Ashton’s front.

“But?” Calum pressed.

“Why do you assume there’s a but?”

“Isn’t there always?”

Ashton frowned, his heart wrenching. What had led Calum to be like this? Had he never introduced anyone to his family because he feared there would be some kind of problem? Because he feared a reaction like the one Ashton was having –even if it in reality had nothing to do with his family–? _Oh fuck_.

“No. Not always.” He hurried to answer, turning back to look at him. “Your family’s perfect. There isn’t anything wrong, they’re lovely.”

Calum hummed, but then his frown deepened, worry tinting his eyes.

“Then what’s on your mind? I know you’re worried about something.”

Ashton sighed again. Ever since his conversation with Mali there had been something going around in his head. Well, there had been a million things all day, but this one was bugging Ashton, even when he knew it was a stupid one. But he was feeling weird today, second guessing himself. And that meant even when he trusted Calum, today his mind was playing tricks on him. 

“Why do you like me?” He whispered. He flinched when he felt Calum tensing behind him, the younger boy trying to make him turn around so he could see his face.

“What?” He muttered once he was facing Ashton, eyebrows knitted together. He looked confused.

“Why do you like me?” Ashton repeated.

“You’re joking, right?” Calum exhaled, his eyes shifting nervously between Ashton’s.

Ashton hated to be talking about this, but even when the logical part of his brain knew Calum liked him, he kind of felt like he needed reassurance. It was a weird feeling.

“I…” He started. “I’ve never understood how someone like you could even _like_ someone like me.”

At that Calum leaned back a little, hurt flashing in his eyes. It made Ashton feel bad for causing it, but this insecurity had been festering under the surface since he met Calum, and right now it had taken reign of Ashton’s mind, fed by all the people in Calum’s life commenting on how he was good for the boy. And each time that voice in the back of his mind wondered just _why_.

“Why would you think that?” Calum asked finally, his voice strained.

“Because I’m just a mess.” Ashton felt tears coming up, tried to stop them by breaking eye contact with Calum, looking away. “I’m a mess about myself, my past is a mess, everything about me just screams messy.”

He knew he was sounding more and more whiny each second passing, but he couldn’t help it. He felt Calum’s hands tightening his hold on him, and Ashton placed his right hand over them unconsciously. Calum nuzzled his neck with his nose, making Ashton turn back to face him, his heart breaking at the look on Calum’s eyes.

“Do you think I am not a mess?” He mumbled, tears on the corner of his eyes threatening to fall.

“Do you think I have _everything_ figured out, Ashton?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Cal.” Ashton whispered, hating himself for even bringing it up. He knew the doubts were stupid, and he still voiced them. Calum had asked him to speak up when there was something making him stressed or worrying him. Even when he knew it had no reason to be, he was feeling insecure.

Calum took a deep breath behind him, his hand grabbing Ashton’s.

“I know you didn’t.” He whispered. “I’m just. Why is this coming up now? You _know_ that I like you.”

Ashton closed his eyes for a moment, trying to put his thoughts in order. It was difficult when he hadn’t even been able to figure out exactly what he was feeling.

“Yeah, I know it, but right now, I don’t know.” He knew he wasn’t making any sense. How could he when feelings were just to tangled up that he didn’t know the beginning or the end to each of them? It was like the same thoughts were provoking entirely different feelings on him. At the same time. It was weird. “I just keep thinking, why.”

Calum stayed silent for a minute before clicking his tongue and groaning.

“Is this about something they said?” He asked softly. “Did Mali say anything to you?”

The way he said that… Ashton had never heard him ever say Mali’s name in that tone. He never wanted to hear it again. It wasn’t _right_.

“What? No. She didn’t.”

Calum whined, untangling the hand that was holding Ashton’s, and rubbing his eyes.

“She did, didn’t she?” He muttered, his hand still hiding his face.

“Well, yeah, but. She didn’t say anything bad.” He hurried to answer. “Quite the contrary, I think.” Ashton admitted. And that was the truth. Mali had only had good things to say to him. It had made him happy to think he had her in his corner. “It wasn’t her, please don’t… be mad or whatever. I don’t know why, I’m just not feeling myself today. I feel funny.” He ended, that weird weight back on his chest. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

Calum brought his hand down again, hugging him close and letting his head fall forward to his shoulder, his forehead resting there. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Ashton cursing himself for making Calum upset. It was a tricky path, sharing everything with him, because if Ashton bottled it up inside, he knew they would just spend a lovely time here, but Calum had asked him to tell him everything. Not only that. Ashton _wanted_ to tell him everything. But he knew it would upset him. That was one of the things running around in his mind, making him doubt he was good for Calum, as everyone was saying. If Ashton _was_ good for him, he wouldn’t have Calum feeling upset every time Ashton opened up to him. It was fucked up.

He felt Calum breathing deep behind him, lifting his head from his shoulder.

“I could give you a list of reasons if you’d like.” He muttered, and for a moment Ashton was lost about what he was talking about. “But I just. I just do, Ash.”

Ashton felt a shiver run up his spine, and he didn’t know if it were the words, or the way Calum’s breath had hit his ear just as he was saying them, his lips leaving a barely there kiss on Ashton’s neck.

“This isn’t maths, this isn’t something precise. My heart goes crazy when I’m with you and I can’t seem to get you out of my mind. It’s like you live there now.” Calum chuckled, and Ashton’s own heart gave a lurch at those words. “I want to know everything there is to know about you, because I find you frigging interesting.” Ashton frowned at that, he wasn’t that much, bu–, “I told you, I want to _understand_. I find beauty in understanding, and you’re the most beautiful person I know, Ashton. And I’m not talking about your body, although I clearly find you attractive as hell. I thought we established that.”

He felt himself blushing at that, but there were tears threatening to fall off his lashes, his lip quivering at Calum’s words.

“Ash, you care about other people in a way most people never could. You help strangers _for a living_. I’m half sure you wouldn’t even mind not getting paid if it meant you helped save another human being.”

At that, the tears started flowing, Calum coaxing him to look at him, his hands coming up to hold his face, his thumbs wiping away the tears.

“And you’re funny. And passionate. And I love who I am around you.” Calum smiled at him. Again that small, soft smile. It made the tears falling from his eyes fall faster. “I like the intimacy we have, even if we haven’t been together that long.” Calum continued. “The way that I can tell you anything that ever crosses my mind and you _understand_ me, no matter how crazy, how stupid or how weird it is? I’ve never had that with anyone else.”

Ashton closed his eyes for a moment, Calum’s gaze a little too much to hold. When he opened them, Calum was worrying his lower lip, his hands trembling a bit where they cradled Ashton’s face, who brought his own hands up, softly circling Calum’s wrists with them, stabilising them.

“Me neither, not like _you_.”

He wasn’t lying. What he had with Bec had grown over time, was entirely different. Calum… Calum was making him feel things Ashton didn’t even know he could feel, and they had known each other for such a short time. It was scary.

“I know we’ve talked about your past Ash. And I understand and respect it.” Calum went on. “But I wouldn’t have started dating you if I didn’t see a future here.” Then he looked away and retreated his hands before muttering, “After last week I honestly thought you did, too.”

Ashton was quick to chase them, lacing their fingers together, clutching Calum’s hands for dear life.

“I did. I do. I swear I see it too.” He exhaled. “I just…”

“What?”

And Calum’s eyes looked legitimately scared, like he feared Ashton was going to break up with him, in his backyard, right when they just got to his home. A home that held painful memories for Calum already. Ashton didn’t want to add to that. There was nothing further from the truth.

“I know I said I wasn’t, but I’m still scared.” He started, swallowing difficulty through the lump on his throat. “I’m scared it’s too real, and I’m going to end losing you one way or another and… And I can’t go through that. Sometimes I end up thinking that maybe it would be best if. If…” He saw the hurt in Calum’s eyes, knew the younger boy was still thinking Ashton was talking about breaking up, and Ashton wanted to shoot himself in the foot for not reassuring him first. “But I stop myself. I would never want that. I’m too selfish to not want to have you in my life. Even if I don’t deserve you. You’re entirely too good for me, Calum.”

The younger boy was furrowing his brow, but he no longer looked like he was about to fall down.

“Don’t you think I should get a say in that?” Calum replied. He was smiling through the tears Ashton hated he had brought on him. Ashton hated himself for making Calum cry.

The younger boy cradled his face once again in his hand, stroking Ashton’s cheek and looking him dead on, completely serious.

“You’re the one who’s _too good_ for me, Ashton Irwin. You’re too good for anyone and nonetheless you should never be alone because you don’t deserve to be unhappy.” Ashton let out a pained sound, and Calum smiled a bit at him, before continuing. “I told you when I first came to your flat that wanting to be happy wasn’t selfish, Ash. I’d hate to think you didn’t listen.” He chuckled, and that brought a watery laugh from Ashton’s own lips.

“If anyone should be wondering why someone likes them it’s me, Ash.” Calum proceeded, his voice growing quieter, introspective. “And trust me, I thought a lot about it at the start. It didn’t make sense that someone so _good_ could ever have an interest in me.” The smile on the younger lips was anything but happy, but then he shook his head, blinking a couple of times, focusing again on Ashton. “But I don’t think about that anymore. Do you know why?”

Ashton shook his head, hanging on every word Calum was giving him as if they were the most important thing in the universe. For Ashton right now, they kind of were.

Calum smiled before answering.

“I have to trust that what you say to me it’s true. No. I don’t _have to_ trust. I just _do_.” His smile widened, Calum leaning in and nuzzling his nose on Ashton’s, looking into his eyes up close, something shining golden behind them. “And that part it is mathematical. There’s equal mutual trust needed for this to go well, and I think it _is_ going well.”

Ashton sniffled, blinking to disperse tears, although he felt like he could cry a river with the emotions still running high through his chest.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

Calum shook his head with a smile, bringing him in for a hug, squeezing tight. Ashton knew apologising wasn’t enough in the slightest. Causing Calum to cry. Making him feel like Ashton wanted to break up with him even when that hadn’t been his intention, at all. Calum having to reassure him, time and time again that their relationship was good. It made Ashton feel like a jerk. Like he was a broken toy fixed in a hurry with bandaids instead of glue, and Calum had to be in charge of putting it back together each time it fell apart. It was way too much to ask of anyone. And Ashton didn’t know how to get himself better without his help. But he would have to learn. Calum didn’t deserve this.

The younger boy was breathing deeply, his chin hooked on Ashton’s shoulder, right hand stroking up and down Ashton’s back beneath the blanket. Ashton hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t as cold anymore.

“You told me a list of reasons in the end.” He muttered with a smile on his lips, making Calum giggle in his ear.

“That wasn’t a list. That was the introduction.”

Ashton giggled at that, his neck tingling when he felt Calum’s breath hitting him as the younger tried to huff a laugh.

“Thank you.” He exhaled, burrowing into Calum’s arms and making the boy hug him tighter.

It _was_ cold, even with the little heater and Calum’s arms and the blanket around them. He felt Calum nuzzling his nose on his nape as his sole answer, his calm breathing making Ashton relax, turning to rest his back on Calum’s chest, looking up at the sky.

It looked beautiful tonight, and even when in Cambourne there hadn’t been that much light pollution, the amount of stars he could see here exceeded by much what he could see at home. He turned back a little in Calum’s hold, leaving a kiss on his jaw before caressing his cheek.

“Tell me about the stars.”

Calum looked at him like he didn’t believe what he had just heard. It made Ashton giggle a little.

“Really?”

Ashton nodded, warmth spreading through his chest when Calum smiled excitedly, his eyes shining. Ashton wondered how many few people had asked him about his biggest passion to have Calum this happy with a simple request. It made his heart wrench.

Calum started explaining different constellations, pointing them out in the sky for Ashton to learn, helping him actually get familiar with a sky that didn’t look like home. As Joy had said at dinner, you could always find a way to feel at home if you had good people around you. Calum helped a lot in that.

He was mixing in stories about how he learnt the constellations and planets and stuff when he was a child, losing Ashton a little when he started spilling out technical names. But it was heartwarming to see. Specially when Calum recounted how he had learnt to search for the North star with his Nan when he was about six years old.

“Ugh, but I’d give _anything_ to be able to see the closest star system to here.” He whined, and by his voice Ashton knew he was pouting.

“Which one is that?” He asked, turning around in Calum’s arms to look at him.

“When you looked at the sky back home, it’s the third brightest star you remember, probably.” Ashton frowned at him. “Although I guess without being there, it’s kind of difficult to picture.” Calum chuckled. “Well, there’s actually three stars there, but without a telescope we just see one.”

Ashton hummed. Calum had kind of lost him again. But he didn’t want the shine in his eyes to go away, so he kept asking.

“What’s its name?”

“Alpha Centauri.”

“Has a nice ring to it.” He could feel Calum’s laughter through the blanket, his cheeks rounding up as he smiled at Ashton’s occurrence.

“Yeah, you could say that.” He chuckled.

“Tell me more.” Ashton pressed. “I never really paid much attention to the sky before. I’m beginning to think I should have.”

Calum bit his lip, frowning a little as if he was trying to remember something.

“You have a Coalsack, a dark nebula that can be seen without a telescope.” A dark nebula. Yeap. Ashton knew exactly what that was. Calum’s eyes were smiling as he kept talking. “If you have good visibility, no light pollution, you should be able to see a small patch of the sky that’s just black. No stars. No nothing. The dense cloud of particles absorbs the light around it, doesn’t let it reach us.”

Ashton pouted. That was kind of sad.

“Sounds sad, a sky with no stars on it. It sounds _wrong_.”

Calum hummed.

“I mean, in this case Coalsack is actually a steaming cauldron of star juice, waiting to be formed. It has the perfect settings for new stars to be born.” Calum laughed lightly, his eyes now looking up at the sky, his expression turned pensive. “It will probably happen some day, though. A sky with no stars. At some point in time, there will be nothing left, just as there was nothing at the start. Just a giant explosion.”

He was still looking up at the stars, contemplative, and Ashton pondered on it. The only knowledge he had on this came from watching The Theory of Everything with Luke, and he doubted the film had been too strict with its recount of the beginning and the end of the universe theories. Or maybe it had, but Ashton had no idea. He felt kind of small thinking about all this, didn’t know how it didn’t drive Calum crazy.

“This is one of those times I’m glad humans have a limited life-span.” He muttered, making Calum laugh, shaking him out of his trance. “I would never want to see that.” He added for good measure.

“The end of the universe. Many have tried to imagine it.” Calum sighed. “I’d actually like to _know_ , but… there’s no way, right?”

Ashton giggled, knowing full well that Calum’s curiosity would far exceed his own about how this whole world was going to end. He turned back to look at the sky, burrowing into Calum’s arms.

“Tell me about something else.” He asked.

“Alright.” Calum agreed way too easily. He sounded happy when he talked about all this. It made Ashton glad that he had asked. “Back home you have the Tarantula Nebula too. I’ve been studying the Orion Nebula some years,” Calum pointed to some distant part of the sky, Ashton had only ever been able to recognise Orion’s belt, so he focused on finding that. “–but this one… Tarantula Nebula is a hundred times bigger. Just so many stars and planets, exoplanets, satellites… A whole universe to discover. Someday, someone.”

He reached his hand for the stars, and Ashton would have laughed at the cliché if Calum’s voice hadn’t sound so passionate. It instead awed him that Calum could feel so deeply for something Ashton hadn’t even given a long thought about before.

“It must have a purpose, right? The universe. That’s what everyone’s always ever asked. Why.”

Ashton bit his lip, his mind waking up with something Calum had said last week.

“Does it have to have a reason? You spoke of me as a complex equation with no solution. Shouldn’t you be able to see the universe as that, too? It’s _way_ bigger than me.” He mumbled.

He felt Calum nuzzling his nape, his warm breath making the hairs in the back of his neck stand up.

“Depends on the point of view. Right now you‘re way bigger, for me.” Calum chuckled. Ashton felt a blush creeping all the way down to his chest. “Physically the universe may be bigger. Timely, yes. But there’s people who’d never even look up at the sky, their day to day is bigger for them that what’s out there.” Calum sighed. “I envy them, sometimes.”

That made Ashton look back to him, locking his eyes with Calum’s.

“Why?”

“Cause they don’t feel torn when they don’t know about something. They don’t feel _restless_.” He indeed sounded restless right now as if the thought of not being able to know the answer to the very fundamental question about existence was making him nervous. “I need to _know_ things, I have a thirst for it, and it doesn’t go away. Not entirely.” Ashton stroked his thigh trying to calm him down. He didn’t understand the why behind Calum’s restlessness, but he did understand the feeling itself. He needed something to ground him. “I’m sorry, I talk too much.” Calum mumbled against his shoulder, his voice muffled down in the cloth.

“No, I like it. I like the way your eyes lit up.”

At that Calum nuzzled him again, leaning back and smiling hesitantly, his cheeks a cute red.

“You sure I’m not boring you to death?”

“You probably could never.”

Okay, that was the corniest, sappiest thing that had ever come out of Ashton’s mouth, and the problem was, he didn’t mind. He had meant it. He could listen to Calum talking about stars, nebulas and black holes for all eternity if it meant he could keep gazing up at him, seeing how excited and happy it made him.

“What’s your favourite constellation?” He asked, intent on getting to see that shine again in Calum’s eyes. The younger considered it for a moment before answering.

“Probably Cassiopeia.”

“Isn’t that the woman who offered her own daughter in sacrifice?”

“Yes, but it’s not because of the myth.” Calum laughed. “It has a fascinating nebula. I learned about it as a child. It’s called Bubble Nebula. I thought it was the coolest. Like, imagine. A bubble in space. So cool.”

Ashton snorted. It was such a simple answer after the whole conversation had turned way too philosophical that it took him by surprise. Calum started laughing too, eyes lighting up.

“I’ll Google it for you. Tomorrow.” He smiled. “We should be going in to sleep. You must be tired. And it’s way too cold to stay here.”

Ashton hummed, sighing a little before reluctantly leaving their blanket nest, helping Calum up with a hand. Even if he wanted go keep looking at Calum’s eyes, it was true that he was tired. They disconnected the heater and gathered up the blankets, Calum holding the door open for him as they tiptoed back through the living room. Then Calum took him by the hand, starting their way up the stairs. When they reached the first floor, Calum groaned quietly. Ashton laughed when the noises coming from the room at the end of the hall reached his ears.

“How can your parents still be going at it? It’s been like an hour and a half.” He whispered when they finally closed the door behind themselves in Calum’s room.

“That’s _long_ for you?” Calum laughed, arching an eyebrow.

“Oh, shut up.” Ashton whined, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I just meant. Stamina. You know. We _are_ younger. Physically they tire earlier.”

Calum grimaced, shaking his head a little, scrunching up his eyes.

“Okay, not that I don’t want to keep discussing this, but, I’m already scarred for life, please don’t make it worse?” He pleaded in a whisper.

“We can go back to the garden?” Ashton offered. Calum was right, sound carried freakishly well.

“I think I still have earplugs packs from the summer.”

“Are they enough?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Great.” Ashton snickered. “So much for Silent Night.”

"Ash!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'm kind of nervous about this one, so let me know if you liked it or not! (please?🙏)  
> And as always, thanks a lot for reading ^^


	11. Blue Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a horrible writer's block for like, two weeks, and even when I have the whole fic planned and mapped out, anything I wrote just didn't feel right. So... I apologise for the wait, and, here we go! Enjoy!

“Blithe Yule!”

Ashton groaned, not even opening his eyes, and instead borrowing into the pillows. It was early. Had to be. Because he didn’t remember Calum putting down the blind on the window last night, and he didn’t see much light through his eyelids.

He felt the mattress dipping as Calum crowded in. Ashton could feel his breath hitting his face, knew Calum was close.

“Merry Christmas.” The younger whispered.

Ashton groaned again, throwing his arm over his face, Calum’s giggles sweet and soft, almost fitting with the gentle way his hand came up to stroke Ashton’s arm, if it wasn’t for the fact that Ashton just wanted to go back to sleep and Calum sounded entirely too awake. He wouldn’t allow him to sleep. Ashton saw it coming.

So. Instead. He lowered his arm and encased Calum with it, holding him close and burying his head on the younger's neck. Calum had no escape now. He would have to let Ashton sleep.

The younger boy huffed an indignant noise, pulling at Ashton’s hold on his waist, although the older wasn’t sure if he was trying to break the hold or use it as leverage to get Ashton out of bed. So he tightened it and kissed Calum’s neck, making him stop thrashing and let out a sigh of contentment. Ashton smiled at the victory when the boy in his arms relaxed against him, no longer trying to pry him away from the warm blanket nest they had slept in. Where Ashton was planning to sleep _more_ in.

“Come on, where’s your Christmas spirit! You normally are _way_ more excited than me about this stuff.” Calum whined, his voice quiet but reaching Ashton’s ears all the same, making him chuckle. “They’re waiting for us to open presents!”

 _They?_ That made him open his eyes. Just a tad. Calum was beaming at him, the smile making his whole face light up, his cheeks impossibly round. Even though, sleep.

“Ugh, it’s _early_.” Ashton complained. That made Calum laugh, so Ashton retaliated by closing his eyes and squeezing his hold on him once more. “Didn’t you say it wasn’t a big deal in your house?” He complained. Well. He tried. But a yawn made his voice wobble at the end. Calum just laughed.

“Yes, but you’re here.”

“ _What_?”

At that he opened his eyes again, Calum’s grin making up for the lack of sun rays coming through the window.

“We mixing it up a little.”

And then he closed his eyes, sighing.

“Calum.”

The younger boy wasn’t having it, and started tugging on his arm again, trying to get free, even being so bold as to bring up a bare –and therefore ice cold– foot and touching Ashton’s leg with it.

“Stop.”

Calum giggled, and shifted in close, his breath hitting Ashton’s lips.

“Come on.”

He leaned in to peck him and at that Ashton’s arms came loose, warmth spreading all through his body, sighing into it. He was about to deepen the kiss when he felt Calum slipping away from his –now lax– hold, giggling like a madman.

“Up. Now. There are _presents_.”

His sheer enthusiasm made Ashton crack a smile, finally giving in to Calum’s wishes and sitting up, cracking his eyes open as he yawned.

“You’re usually the last one to get up.”

“And you’re usually the first.” Calum snorted. “I know, world’s upside down.”

Ashton laughed as he threw the covers back, getting his feet on the floor and stretching like a cat. Calum was putting his socks back on, seated on the corner of the bed.

“Is your entire family really up?” Ashton asked, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table, one hand rubbing at his eyes, still adjusting to the low light.

“Yeah. Mum and dad are early risers. And Mali’s used to it because of work.”

“What time is it even? There’s no fucking light.” Ashton said with another yawn, Calum coming around the bed pecking him in the cheek.

“You’re cute when you’re grumpy.” He laughed. Then he took Ashton’s hand in his, starting to walk towards the door. “It’s quarter past eight, I think.”

“ _Early_.” Ashton whined again, using the hand he had in Calum’s stopping him from going further and pulling him back, hugging him and hiding his face in Calum’s nape.

“ _Presents.”_ Calum insisted, tugging still.

Ashton nuzzled his neck, smiling when he felt Calum relaxing in his arms at the gesture, his free hand coming up behind Ashton’s head and caressing his curls. It felt nice. They stayed like that for a couple of moments, Ashton almost falling asleep standing up, inhaling Calum’s scent, breathing him in.

“We can nap this afternoon.” The younger boy exhaled, his right hand continuing to stroke Ashton’s hair. It was in fact making him even more sleepy. “Think about it. A long nap. On the _bed_. Without alarms.” Calum whispered.

“You promise?” Ashton mumbled, actually considering it. Sleeping with Calum at night was good, but napping together was _great_. Just lying there, being lazy, without anything else to do, enjoying each other’s company while they were in that weird place between being asleep and awake. It was the best. Ashton loved it too much

“Yeah, I promise.” Calum laughed, easy.

Then he turned around and kissed him, short but intense, before tugging on his hand again towards the stairs.

“I’m excited about presents.” Calum gushed as they trudged downstairs.

“Really? I didn’t notice.” Ashton deadpanned, and even though Calum glared at him –and almost tripped down the stairs because he wasn’t looking–, it was worth it.

“Shut up. You are excited too. I know you. You’re just annoyed ‘cause I woke you up.” He retaliated as they came to a stop on the ground floor.

Ashton could hear a conversation in the living room, supposed Calum’s family were already there waiting, but Calum drove them directly to the kitchen, bypassing the door to them.

“What…?”

Calum stopped in front of the microwave and opened it, offered Ashton one of the mugs inside.

“Here. I made it just before I woke you up.” He smiled, scratching neck while he bit his lip.

Ashton just about melted. Calum was looking at him clearly waiting for him to try it, but Ashton could just sniff it, groaning at how good it smelt. It was going to taste amazing, he already knew. It was chocolate-y, a hint of cinnamon and–.

“Wait. This smells like coffee. Did you add coffee to your hot chocolate recipe?”

Calum grinned at him.

“You just like coffee so much so… I thought I could try?”

Ashton left the cup on the counter before engulfing him in a bone-crushing hug, squeezing with all his might. Oh god, how could Calum be this _cute?_

“You haven’t even tried it yet.” The younger cackled, but he was hugging Ashton back, and that’s all that mattered. He stayed there for a few moments before releasing Calum and kissing him. He felt high on Calum this morning. Like he was some kind of drug. Ashton had felt like this more often than not in the last few weeks, but today Calum was just way too cute in his fleece pyjamas with his hair still a mess from sleeping and that permanent smile on his face. Ashton was going to cherish this for as long as he could. It made something incredibly warm expand from his chest all through his body, Calum’s smile through the kiss fuelling it.

“Don’t you want presents?” Calum asked when Ashton finally let him breathe, ending the kiss. He was out of breath and now a beautiful blush accompanied the smile, making Ashton’s heart kind of flop around his chest.

He was aware of how pathetic this was going to sound but he still went for it.

“I already got you, didn’t I?” He whispered, nuzzling Calum’s nose with his, cheeks hurting from smiling so hard as the younger’s grew impossibly redder, his eyes shining.

“I take it you slept well?” Calum snorted, breaking eye contact and looking away, flustered.

“Shut up. Let me be grossly sappy. It’s Christmas.” Ashton answered, giggling a little. Any grumpiness he could have felt just a couple minutes ago about having been woken up was gone. Calum kind of lifted his spirits without even trying.

“I mean, it’s better than grumpy.”

“See? We agree.” Ashton laughed. “Come on, take me to the presents you’re so excited about.”

Calum grinned lacing their hands again, Ashton grabbing his own mug on the way and taking a sip. It was incredibly tasty and ugh, so good. Calum had outdone himself with this one.

If he thought calling Calum’s parents by their first names was weird, seeing the entire family in pyjamas topped it. Ashton felt like a fish out of water. He had always felt the same in these kinds of situations. When he saw someone, like, he respected, in out of the ordinary attire, it was always jarring. And seeing Calum’s parents in their pyjamas and robes met all the standards for Ashton to feel awkward. It wasn’t like it was a bad thing; it was just. People he didn’t know in way too private a setting.

“Good morning.” Joy greeted them. She was sitting on an armchair, Mali perched up on its arm, almost falling into her mother’s lap. She too was disconcerting for Ashton. Her hair was down, she was sipping on a mug that judging by the little paper label was tea –just as her brother–. She looked way younger than she did last night.

“Did you guys sleep okay?” She asked, one eyebrow raised, her face hidden behind the mug. Ashton could tell without seeing her mouth that she was smirking.

“Yeah, thanks for asking.” Ashton answered after a beat, Calum kind of hiding behind his own mug.

“Well, now that we’re all here, let’s get this started.” David laughed, rubbing his hands.

Mali and Calum both rolled her eyes at him, and Joy just laughed.

“Cal, you go first.” Mali cut in excitedly, grabbing a box from under the tree and handing it to him.

“Why me?”

“‘Cause you’re still the baby.” She snickered.

Calum sighed to Ashton’s left as he crossed the way to her and took the box from her hands, sitting down cross-legged on the floor, Ashton following suit just to not be the only one standing. He caught Joy’s eyes looking at him and she smiled, kind. Ashton returned it, although still feeling a bit out of place.

“No way.”

Calum whispered to Ashton’s left, and then lunged himself to the armchair, hugging Mali as he squealed and both of them almost crashing into their mother, Mali’s tea spilling out a little from the force of Calum’s tackle. Ashton laughed, fond. He couldn’t see what had gotten Calum so excited, it was squished between him and his sister, but it had to be important to the younger for making him react that way.

“How did you even find it? I’ve been searching for it for _years_.” The younger boy gushed, smiling from ear to ear and looking up at his sister like she was some kind of goddess.

“I know you have.” Mali winked before cracking up. “I’m glad you like it.”

“It’s too much. Mali you _shouldn’t_ have. I know these are expensive. Too expensive.”

Ashton tried to peer at it, and Calum seemed to sense it, because he turned to look at him, smile gentler than before, pushing the box into Ashton’s hands.

“She got me Asimov’s Foundation. It’s a first edition.” He sighed reverently, caressing the book inside its box. Then she turned around to look at his sister. “Where…?”

“A magician never reveals their secrets.” Mali laughed, mimicking as if she was zipping up her mouth and throwing the key away. Calum crawled until he was close enough to hug her again.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Ashton smiled from his corner of the room. He had been a little too caught up in marvelling at Calum’s blinding smile to even notice David had brought his chair closer to him and was bending down to pick a present, turning to him and smiling.

“Your turn, lad.”

Ashton felt his cheeks burn. Calum had warned him his parents had bought him something, and even with the heads-up Ashton still shot up like electricity had touched him, extending his hands towards David’s and taking his alleged present.

“I, um, you really shouldn’t have bothered.” He muttered as he opened it, careful not to rip the package. He felt incredibly awkward as four pair of eyes trained on him, but Calum’s hand sneaked its way to his knee, squeezing, and Ashton finished unwrapping the present, breathing easier with his silent support.

There was soft, soft, soft scarf with matching gloves inside the wrapping paper, a lovely shade of dark green. Ashton instantly loved it.

“Thank you, so much.” He whispered, lifting his gaze up and smiling first at David then at Joy and Mali on the arm chair. “Thank you, I really love it.”

Joy waved him off, smiling, turning to look at Mali opening one of her own.

“I like the scarf, it matches your eyes.” Calum said, taking it out of Ashton’s hands and wrapping it around his neck, eyes shining as he looked into Ashton’s, which kind of made the older grow red as a tomato.

From then on everyone started to just go for it. Ashton was nervous about the couple of presents he had gotten for Calum’s family. Well, him and Calum both. It wasn’t like Ashton had had much time to go shopping, and when he did have time, he hadn’t really felt like it. Had stayed buried in blankets, safe from the memories as he laid in Calum’s arms.

On the only day they had been able to actually go shopping, they had gotten an old jazz record for Calum’s dad, a leather-bound notebook for his mum, and a teal moon pendant for Mali. The presents had obviously all been chosen by Calum. They seemed to like them okay, smiling at him, saying thanks. Mali even hugged him.

After that, Ashton had been so distracted watching everything unfold in front of him, getting to see Calum within his family, observing how he fit together with them that he hadn’t even opened anything else yet. It was just heartwarming watching Calum in this setting, smiling and bickering back and forth with Mali, excited about the littlest of presents, thanking them once and time again for buying these for him.

Ashton just didn’t want to intrude. Last night’s dinner had been one thing but being here while they opened presents and such was what Ashton had feared. He didn’t want to impose or anything, and he was just trying to observe from his place on the floor without distracting Calum from his family. This time was supposed to be for them.

However, the younger boy took notice of him on the sidelines, came crawling back, stopping right in front of him.

“Hey, you’re not opening my presents.” Calum nudged him, back to his side, playing with a new scarf he had donned around his neck.

“I was about to.” Ashton lied.

“Yeah?”

“Yup.”

Calum laughed, leaning in and stealing a kiss –and Ashton’s breath– from his lips.

“Can I choose what you open first?” He asked excitedly, crawling to the tree and retrieving three presents with Ashton’s name on them.

Ashton arched an eyebrow.

“I thought we had a limit deal.”

“Sorry?” Calum pouted, but by the look in his eyes Ashton knew he was anything but sorry. He laughed, shaking his head before reaching out for the first gift Calum had put in line.

The wrapping paper looked suspiciously familiar, as in, Ashton had bought it just last week to wrap up his own presents. So. Calum had had to have wrapped it at his flat. Clicking his tongue, he ripped it open this time.

“Hey, you lied to me!” He was holding one of the sets of artisanal candles he and Calum had bought back at the Christmas market in Godmanchester. “You said the candles were for Mali!”

“He technically didn’t lie.” Mali said from across him, holding up a second set of candles and incense. She was cracking up, now sitting on the floor in front of the armchair and curiously sniffing her own.

“I just hid the fact that some of those were for you?” Calum said with a grin cutting into his line of vision. “I needed to know for sure which ones you liked best.”

“You’re…”

Calum kept smiling at him, and whatever Ashton was going to say got lost in his throat. He really wanted to kiss him, like a real kiss, but his parents were right _there_ , and Ashton was pretty sure Mali was eyeing them. So he just smiled back and left a peck on his nose, making Calum’s face scrunch up. He was cute.

“Next one, next one.” He said after he finished laughing at Ashton’s actions, sliding the biggest present to him, worrying his lip as he waited for Ashton to do something about it. He looked kind of nervous, and Ashton wondered just what it was that Calum had bought him. It felt plush under his fingers. Maybe some thick wool jumper?

“Come on.”

“Alright, alright.” Ashton said with a short laugh.

He took careful steps to open this one too, he wanted to keep the wrapping paper –he knew, he was a sentimental shit–.

And then he just stared at it, speechless. It wasn’t a jumper. It was a gorgeous throw. Ashton had almost forgotten. His eyes watered. It felt so _soft._ And fluffy.

“I know you have like, a thing against _blue_ , but I really liked this one, and I thought it would be a good fit f–”

Ashton stopped him, one finger pressed against his lips, Calum’s eyes wide with fear that Ashton hadn’t liked it.

“I love it, Cal.”

Ashton felt him biting his lip again in hesitation, glancing down to where Ashton was clutching his present with his left hand.

“Yeah? Are you sure? Cause we can change it if you would prefer another colour or so-”

Ashton leaned forward and captured his mouth in a kiss, effectively shutting him up. He could feel Mali’s and Calum’s parents’ eyes on them, but this time he didn’t care as he poured his feelings onto the kiss, smiling through it and pressing his forehead against Calum’s, bringing his hand up to cup his jaw. He slowly broke away after a few moments, opening his eyes to find Calum’s still closed as the younger boy tried to regain his breath.

“I really love it.” He whispered looking down at it. Different hues of blue crisscrossed each other, creating a tartan pattern. There was a gold thread running in between them, almost not noticeable if light didn’t hit it the right way. But when it did... It was beautiful. And it felt so, so soft. “Thank you so much, Calum.”

“You really like it?” Calum whispered, nuzzling his nose, making Ashton giggle a little, fond.

“Yes, really.” He broke apart, taking it out of the wrapping paper completely and putting the blanket over them both. He could already tell napping with this thing in his couch was going to be awesome. However.

“I have two questions, though.” Calum raised an eyebrow at him. “One, when did you even talk to Luke? And two, when did you buy this? We’ve practically been joined at the hip for the last couple of weeks.”

Calum giggled, covering his mouth with his sleeves, laughter making his eyes crinkle.

“Um. I may have peeked at Luke’s number on your phone. I needed help brainstorming.”

Ashton let out a surprised chuckle at that, shaking his head at the mental image of Calum and Luke plotting together. He wouldn’t even be surprised if Calum had tipped Luke off that he needed a new carry-on coffee cup after an _incident_ last week involving Calum’s poor reflexes and the stairs. “And, I bought it yesterday while you slept.”

“ _Yesterday_?”

Calum’s face turned frantic, his hand flying out in front of him as if he was defending himself.

“I had already seen it before, I swear it’s not a last-minute present!” Ashton tried to hold it in, but the corner or his mouth was already stretching into a smile as Calum to explain himself, when really, it wasn’t needed at all. “I just wanted to check in person beca–”

“Because he is a pain in the ass and wouldn’t trust me when I said it was soft.” Mali cut him. And Ashton broke out laughing.

“And it’s good quality, good wool. Warm.” Calum hurried to finish, side-eyeing Mali. Ashton couldn’t help the giggles coming up.

“I’m sure it is.” He whispered when he finally sobered up, his right hand moving up to cradle Calum’s face, thumb stroking his cheek. Then he frowned. “I thought we said no expensive gifts.”

Calum scoffed at him, rolling his eyes.

“Did _you_ adhere to that rule?” He teased.

And fuck, true. Ashton had gone a little overboard too. Well. More than a little, but Calum didn’t have to know it was kind of over their agreed upon budget by a _few_ quid.

“Open yours.” _And find out_. Because Ashton was sure Calum would know exactly how much he had spent, but at this point he didn’t care if it got Calum to smile like he had with Mali’s present before. Although now that he thought about it, maybe Ashton’s wasn’t a thing Calum would have even wanted by himself. He was beginning to doubt Calum would even like it.

“Hey. Stop overthinking.” Calum whispered, nuzzling his nose, still together with him under the blanket. “I’m sure I’ll love whatever it is, Ash. It’s your present to me, after all.”

Ashton gave him a tight smile before reaching for his –and, he cursed himself, sadly _only_ – present for Calum, his eyes stopping on the last present with his name on it. It was an envelope. He would open that later. He stretched just a tad more until he could get Calum’s and settled back down, the younger’s hands tracing comforting patterns on his thighs under the throw.

“I kinda feel bad it’s just one present.” He mumbled, eyes trained on Calum’s hand on his knee.

“You shouldn’t. It’s my fault, I’m the one who broke the deal.” Calum chuckled softly, pecking his cheek. “Can I open it now?”

“Yeah, of course.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head at him. He knew he was making a mess of his lower lip with how much he was worrying it, but he couldn’t help being nervous. For all he knew Calum maybe had one of these already or he didn’t care at all for them.

Ashton watched with attentive eyes as Calum undid the top bow on the box, carefully unwrapping the present. He was frowning a bit as if he hadn’t yet caught on to what it was. Ashton could relate. The engraving on the wooden box was cool, but the thing inside was what Ashton wasn’t so sure about.

“Open it?” He whispered, his eyes crossing with Calum’s for a second before the younger opened the box, his eyes going wide.

“Ash.” He murmured, glancing from the box to Ashton, mouth half opened as if he didn’t know what to say next.

“I didn’t know if you would have one, but this sextant got my eye on an antique shop while I was out with Luke a couple of weeks back and I thought you would maybe like it?” He let out in one breath. He was still kind or nervous. He noticed they were alone now. Ashton hadn’t even heard when Calum’s family had left for the kitchen, leaving them to it under the blanket. He felt kind of weird about it, but he also was thankful. This way it was just them, just Calum, and Ashton wouldn’t be worried about being watched or anything.

“Did you... have a sextant already?” Ashton tried slowly. His leg was bouncing up and down in nervousness.

“I didn’t, no.” Calum whispered, bringing it out of the box and turning it around in his hands, caressing the engraving with the manufacturer’s date. “This is too much, Ash.”

He glanced back up, his eyes locking on Ashton’s. He looked pretty serious.

“Do you like it?” Ashton asked, hesitant now.

“Aye, of course I do.” He was smiling tight, and Ashton’s heart fell. “It’s just, I know how much these cost when they’re not reproductions. It’s too much, Ash.” He insisted, putting it back into its box and closing it, hands hovering over the engraved compass inlaid with gold on the cover of the box.

“It is a _gift._ ” Ashton smiled. It wasn’t like he was the only one who had gone overboard with the presents. The blanket Calum had gotten him couldn’t have been cheap. At all.

“We had a deal.” Calum muttered.

“That we both broke.” Ashton snorted, and that brought a real smile out of Calum’s lips.

“Well, that’s true.” He looked back up and now his eyes were less serious. “I like it a lot. I’m sorry. That should have been the first thing that came out of my mouth.” He grimaced, and Ashton giggled.

“I’m just glad you like it and you didn’t have one already.” He brought the blanket closer around them as he continued laughing, Calum looking at him all round cheeks and soft eyes, shaking his head and finally joining in the laughter.

“Well, I love it.” He sentenced, pecking Ashton on the cheek and remaining there for a few seconds. “Now I can find my way anywhere with just the stars.”

Ashton laughed at that.

“I think you probably already could.”

Calum giggled as his sole answer before leaning back and stretching his arm until he reached the envelope with Ashton’s name on it.

“Your last present.”

Ashton rolled his eyes at him with a smile and grabbed it, opening it as Calum’s hands found their way into his knees again, drawing circles over his pyjamas.

Ashton hadn’t known what to expect, but this certainly wasn’t it. _It_ being a printed reservation for a night at an inn he wasn’t familiar with, with views of the coast. The coast. Wait.

“Is this what Mali was talking about yesterday? She got us a room?” He exclaimed, eyes wide as saucers, darting between the reservation in his hands and the boy in front of him.

“Um, yeah?” Calum was smiling at him again. “I wanted to have one day for us, and, you know, to not have you enslaved here with my parents while I study during your entire week off.” He laughed.

Ashton laughed with him, but it was distractedly.

“Do your parents know?” He grimaced.

“Um, yeah. Told them we’d be sleeping there on the 26th.” Calum said slowly as if he didn’t get why Ashton had asked that question. The silence stretched, and finally the older could see the realisation dawning on Calum’s face. “Oh.” He swallowed. “ _Oh._ ”

“‘Oh’ indeed.” Ashton giggled, leaning forward and letting his head fall into Calum’s shoulder, his lips smearing a laugh on the skin that peeked from beneath his sleep tee. “Well, it is what it is.” He snorted.

Calum laughed along, bringing up one of his hands and carding through Ashton’s hair. He seemed to be still processing what his gift to Ashton might have implied to his parents, and honestly, Ashton didn’t even care what they thought. Calum had booked the room for the day they’d be one month official. It was kind of cute and romantic, and Ashton kind of melted at that notion.

“Thank you for the night away.” He beamed as he eventually got out of his hideout in Calum’s neck, leaning forward and pecking the younger’s lips, who kissed him back somewhat distractedly. Ashton chuckled and left a final kiss on his cheek, his own hand joining Calum’s in the back of his head, lacing their fingers together.

“With night away you mean the sexcapade my whole family thinks I gifted you?” The younger exhaled, eyes lost behind Ashton and cheeks pink. It made Ashton laugh.

“No, I mean for the chance to spend our one month together alone, just the two of us.” Ashton giggled, nuzzling his nose and leaving another peck on Calum's slightly parted lips. This time it got the younger to smile, eyes crinkled when they broke away. And then his stomach grumbled.

“Should we go get breakfast?” Ashton snorted.

“Yeah, we should. I think dad was going to cook something. Scones.” 

Ashton grinned and stood up fast, offering Calum a hand as the younger snorted at his hastiness.

“I'll take that as an ‘I’m hungry too’.”

***

“I know I promised you snow.” Calum started as they walked up to Ashton’s car. Sun was up in the sky, not too high, but at least Ashton had had enough time for the coffee to do its job waking him up. There were a few clouds here and there, but it was mostly a clear day, sun almost warm even in the cold.

“I don’t care about the snow, Cal.” He laughed, shaking his head.

Calum had said to wear comfy but warm clothes, and Ashton had had to, once again, step into the younger’s wardrobe. Not that he minded much now. Calum’s scent, even when he hadn’t even worn these clothes since probably summer or even further away, still clung to his clothes. And it wasn’t just the softener –although Ashton was pretty sure Calum used the same back at Cambridge–. It was just something so… _him._ It made Ashton smile at being surrounded by it.

“I promised, though.”

“You can’t make the weather change, love.” Ashton sighed as he opened the door to the car, taking a seat behind the wheel. There was no way he was letting Calum drive today –wherever they might go, which Ashton still wasn’t sure– after the huge beating that must have been driving all the way from Cambourne yesterday.

He was buckling his seatbelt when he finally heard Calum’s door close and said boy sitting down, his eyes trained on his boots and cheeks red. Ashton frowned for a moment before he realised he had let a pet name slip. It had come so naturally he hadn’t even realised. He felt himself blushing too as he adjusted the mirrors, coughing a little to clear his throat.

“Where are we going?” He asked without looking to the side, turning on the engine and the heater.

“Um. There may not be snow, but we could try this regional park near here. If there is snow anywhere close by, it should be up there.” Calum stated, beginning to point the way Ashton had to take to get to the main road. “Plus, you get to hike.”

Something in Calum’s voice made Ashton turn to him, finding him smiling back, soft eyes.

“You haven’t done that much since we started going out, you said you loved it.”

Ashton had to break the lock on his gaze for two reasons, one, he didn’t really want to crash the car, and two, the mere thought of Calum not only noticing but planning this so Ashton could do something he enjoyed immensely at the same time as searching for snow was making him melt against his seat, making him become one with the upholstery.

“That sounds like a plan.” He smiled, and even when he couldn’t see his face, he knew Calum was smiling too.

They spent the drive talking about Calum’s childhood memories here, the younger pointing out places along the way and smiling faintly to himself before he shook himself out of reminiscing enough to tell Ashton all about the stories that had happened there. It wasn’t a long drive, though, and even when Ashton was eager to get out of the car and inhale fresh air and to walk around in nature, he felt a pang of disappointment at not getting to hear the rest of those stories. Anyway. He was sure there would be countless other times.

“There doesn’t seem to be snow.” Calum pouted when they were out of the car, starting their walk towards the beginning of the path away from the car park.

It wasn’t necessarily _freezing_ cold, but it was windy, and Ashton hid his face inside the wool neck warmers Calum had lent him. There, his scent was even stronger, kind of intoxicating, but Ashton stayed in. He felt warm just with the scent of Calum surrounding him.

“Maybe there will be at the top?”

“It’s not that high a climb.” Calum snorted, turning to look at him. He had kept going up without looking where he was stepping on, gaze trained on Ashton, and the older saw it happening even before Calum tripped on the only rock in the whole path. He extended his arms quickly, catching him before he pummelled to the ground, and even when Calum’s face was still contorted in surprise –and a little bit of fear–, Ashton couldn’t help but laugh. That Calum untangled from his arms and punched him lightly on the arm, offended, did nothing but spur him on.

“I know you think I’m pretty and all, but you seriously should look where you put your feet. We can’t have you getting injured again.” He jested.

“Shut up.”

Ashton giggled, amused by Calum’s reaction, who was starting to climb up faster, this time looking at the ground.

“Last time I did this trail with Mali was a couple of years back. I don’t think we should like, climb all the way, though. We’d have to jump above fences and–”

“We would have to _what?”_ Ashton said, hurrying to catch up to Calum.

“The road ends at some old mines. You have to jump above the fence to continue the trail.” The younger said casually, like it wasn’t something straight out of a horror movie. Ashton reached for his hand, stopping him.

“Are you bringing me up there to kill me?” He laughed nervously.

Calum faced him for a moment before snorting, seemingly unable to stop the bout of laughter that followed, even his eyes tearing up. Ashton didn’t find it funny. Well. Maybe a little.

“It’s not some creepy place, I promise.” Calum let out in between laughs. He squeezed Ashton’s hand, and the older knew his face had to be reflecting his inner fear for Calum to have noticed.

“Yeah, well, old abandoned mines don’t sound like fairy tale stuff, you know?” His voice went up at the end of the sentence and Ashton bit his tongue. Fuck.

“Oh my god, you’re legitimately scared.” Calum whispered, eyes wide.

Ashton felt colour rising to his cheeks, diverted his gaze from Calum’s amused ones. It wasn’t like he was _scared_. He just had... common sense. And well. He had seen too many Supernatural openers to know it wasn’t the greatest idea to venture there _on their own_.

“It’s just a building they stopped using back in the 60s. And there could be snow there?” The younger tried, the jest gone out of his voice. “We can go back to the car if you want.”

He stepped closer now, his right hand rubbing Ashton’s arm before sneaking down to grab his free one.

“It’s not creepy?” Ashton asked, still a little distrustful.

“Nah. Just a building and that’s that.” Calum promised, smiling a bit. "Believe me, I was the one scared to death yesterday because of the weird noises in your attic. This isn't creepy." Ashton snorted at that, shaking his head before squeezing Calum's hand a little.

“Okay.”

Calum beamed at him and they resumed the climb which, if it wasn’t because of the burn in his calves after having been walking for a while, Ashton wouldn’t have noticed. It was a gentle slope, but he could feel they were higher because temperature was dropping and there was even more wind. As the path allowed them to walk side by side, Ashton kept his hold on Calum’s hand, and it happened to be a good thing, because the black-haired boy had tripped twice more on practically nothing.

And he had been right, as the old mine finally came into view on the horizon, so did the barely there snow. There wasn’t enough to be called snow, just a few patches of white here and there, and most of them turning to mud beneath, brown sipping in. But it was something.

“I wish it was colder.” Calum whispered next to him. “Mum said it’s been raining all through the week. There would have been more snow.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Ashton laughed. “The views are cool.”

Calum smiled at him before he started walking ahead again, hand tugging on Ashton’s.

“So. What’s the plan for tomorrow?” Ashton asked, squeezing Calum’s fingers how he could between both their gloves.

“I have a surprise for lunch but otherwise, I thought we could decide later?” Calum glanced at him, but his eyes were shifting weirdly.

“A surprise?” Ashton squinted his eyes, trying to decipher what Calum had exactly meant by that.

The younger boy just hummed and regaled him with a smile, not commenting anything else. It made Ashton even more intrigued about what it could be about. He felt kind of bad he hadn’t even thought of planning anything for their one month, but it seemed Calum had, and it left Ashton with little to none way of actually gifting him something. Although they had _agreed_ not to get each other anything.

Calum had grown exponentially quiet after breakfast and the excitement he exuded in the morning about Christmas and stuff had long since worn off. It wasn’t like he was being purposefully keeping things to himself, but Ashton knew he was thinking hard about something, and he probably could guess what given the date.

Ashton missed his family a lot, but when yesterday he had been overwhelmed by it, today it was more of a dull ache. It hurt not being back home more than on a normal day, but it wasn’t all-consuming. He could tell, though, that today Calum wasn’t at his best. By the way Calum was staring off, gaze lost, Ashton knew his thoughts weren’t exactly here, and it didn’t take much to guess where they were. It brought Ashton’s mood a bit down, too.

He was thinking of a way to get Calum out of his head for a while just as they reached the old mines, building torn apart on one side. It was creepy, no matter how Calum put it, but it was also kind of beautiful in that artsy way that photographs Ashton had seen online captured. And there was indeed more snow here.

“I want to take pics.” He whispered as they came to a stop.

“What?” Calum squeaked.

“Of us. We don’t have pictures together.” Ashton pouted. He usually liked to live in the moment, and remember things in his mind and just that, but sometimes it was nice to have pictures to browse through. Memories imprinted in actual paper. He wanted as many memories with Calum as possible. “Apart from the one we took on our first date we don’t have any together. I want pics with you.”

Calum had gone crimson. Completely red. His cheeks looked awfully squishy and an irresistible urge to pinch them surged through Ashton, his hands reaching towards Calum’s face almost in slow motion. He saw the realisation on Calum’s face but it was too late.

“Stop.” Calum whined as he swatted his hands away, growing even more red, but there was a small –almost shy– smile on his lips, his eyes shining.

“You’re just too cute. I couldn’t help myself.” Ashton giggled. And Calum looked away again, bashful.

“Shut up.” He muttered, and Ashton reached his right hand up again, but to cup his cheek, stroking with his thumb.

“Can I kiss you?”

At that Calum’s eyes locked back with his, amused smile hanging off his lips.

“You’re seriously asking that? When have I ever denied a kiss?” He laughed quietly, but Ashton could see by the way he was blushing and his eyes shined that Calum had liked him asking.

“Well, it’s an incredibly sappy and romantic thing to ask, and I’m feeling incredibly sappy and romantic, so.” He snorted, and Calum just shook his head, rolling his eyes.

“Go ahead, Mr Romantic.”

Ashton shook his head, laughter sipping from his lips before he quieted down, his smile small and fond. Calum was looking at him like he knew what he was doing, but he still let Ashton get away with it. And by it, Ashton meant stepping closer, bringing his free hand around Calum’s back and pulling him in until they were pressed front to front, Ashton’s right hand tightening its hold on Calum’s jaw, bringing their foreheads together, eyes locked. He stayed there for what felt like forever, taking in Calum’s slightly uneven breath, almost feeling his heartbeat through their clothes. The younger’s eyes were shifting minutely from one eye to the other, darting down every three blinks towards Ashton’s lips.

Sometimes Ashton savoured these moments before the kiss more than the kiss itself. Just. Calum’s breathing hitting his lips, his eyes up close, the tension around them, the anticipation. It was almost as good as the kissing that followed. And Ashton usually tried to prolong them, but Calum was a little bit more impatient. Today it wasn’t like that. That was why Ashton had asked. He knew Calum wouldn’t make the move, but would actually let him stretch this time however long he wanted. And when Ashton finally kissed him, he was sure Calum’s knees would buckle and he would just melt against him. It was the best feeling.

He leaned an inch forward, relishing how Calum’s breath hitched. The younger boy had closed his eyes for a moment, and Ashton nuzzled his nose to make him open them again. Calum’s lips lazily stretched into a smile as his eyes opened, and that’s when Ashton finally leaned in all the way, capturing his mouth in a kiss.

It wasn’t rushed. It was slow, and as Ashton had predicted, Calum completely melted against him, his eyes slipping shut the last thing Ashton saw before he closed his own. He tasted minty like the mouthwash he had doused before getting out of the house, but underneath it was sweet. It was just _Calum._ Ashton breathed in slow before chasing the taste with his tongue, darting out to lick inside of Calum’s mouth. He felt Calum’s knees actually buckling at the action, a soft moan escaping him, and Ashton tightened his hold on his back, right hand stroking his cheek. He didn’t take it much further, just let the kiss slowly wind down, their breaths mingling, Calum chasing his lips for a few final sweet pecks as Ashton broke the kiss to breathe. They ended with their foreheads touching again, eyes closed, lips almost touching, quiet. Ashton’s thumb was still caressing Calum’s cheek, and he felt when the younger boy started smiling again, his cheeks rounding up. It made Ashton let out a soft giggle, opening his eyes to find Calum’s already looking at him.

“I liked that.” The younger whispered, small smile lightening up his whole face. “I want more of those kisses.”

“Yeah?”

Calum nodded, humming a little, leaning forward for another short peck.

Ashton was lost in his eyes. They were just so _warm_. He didn’t even feel the wind anymore. He was too focused on Calum. Ashton was being the complete cliché today, with this whole, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes, everything surrounding them fading to nothing, but… Truth was, Ashton kind of loved it. Getting lost in Calum and how he made him feel was _good_. He only hoped Calum felt the same and Ashton had been able to distract him even if it was for a few moments.

“I was serious about those pictures, you know.” He finally whispered, breaking the silence.

Calum blushed again slightly, but he was smiling.

“How are we going to take them? Selfies?” He chuckled.

“We could try to find something that could hold my phone?”

Calum snorted, looking around, where there was absolutely nothing of the sort –well, there was the building, but both of them knew Ashton would never get close to that–. As Calum kept giggling, the older couldn’t help but laugh along. Most of the ground was covered in half-melted snow, not a single place above the waist to rest his phone on. It was a flawed plan. But then he noticed a big rock on the slope going down the path they had just taken. Maybe that would do. If they crouched down.

He took Calum’s hand again and led him there, trying to balance his phone with the help of its case, and he actually managed to do it, setting the timer and the burst mode. Calum squatted down behind him hooking up his chin over his shoulder, actually grinning at the camera. Ashton was a bit distrustful of the slight amused tilt of his lips, but he didn’t catch on until Calum started tickling him as soon as they heard the first couple of snapshots.

He ended up with his ass on the ground, snow and mud dampening his –Calum’s really– pants on equal parts, and like, only one decent photo before his face contorted as he laughed at the onslaught of tickles. But Calum looked quite pretty in all of them, smiling mischievously on the first couple pics before he even got to execute his plan.

Ashton coaxed him to get a couple more photos just because, browsing them quickly as Calum got back up, started walking uphill again, hands on his pockets. Ashton couldn’t see his face, but by the way his shoulders drew in and how he started kicking the barely there snow on the ground with his right foot Ashton knew he had gone back again to that place in his mind.

Ashton stood up, brushing away how he could the snow remaining on his clothes, and took a seat at the rock. Calum had wandered off alone, and Ashton understood what it was like to want a moment to himself. The younger boy was facing away, so he went back to study their photos together. Calum indeed looked pretty. He looked gorgeous, actually. He always did. But that playful glint in his eyes that Ashton was used to see on a daily basis now was present in the photos too, which made the moment look tangible. He was sure days, months from now, he would be able to look at the photo and still remember Calum’s laughter in his ears, his fingers tickling his sides. The next string of pictures with Ashton falling on his ass weren’t exactly picture frame material, but the older still cherished them. Even if he looked like a potato and completely unphotogenic in them. They were, after all, memories.

With a smile, he locked his phone, pocketing it again and putting on his gloves. The fifteen or so minutes he had taken them off to handle his phone had left them stiff and cold. Calum was still staring off into the distance.

It felt like Christmas, but at the same time it didn’t. He wasn’t at home, having Christmas dinner with his family, heading off to the beach at sunset for a party. It wasn’t _warm_ outside. It was cold, and there was snow around him. Calum had fulfilled his promise in the end. Ashton first _White Christmas_ , even if the white was browning in some patches and it wasn’t actually, like, snowing on the day.

And his mood wasn’t exactly completely cheery, either. He tried, same as Calum, but there was this note of sadness hanging in the air above their heads. Each thinking about their own loss.

Bec had never quite liked Christmastime. It wasn’t something their family celebrated much. Between all three of them, it had always been Ashton the one with the obsession. But she had endorsed his relentless Christmas film marathons, and the sappy traditions and the over decorating their shared flat. Two years ago Otto, Bec and him had actually hosted Christmas dinner for their families, all of them crammed up in their shoebox apartment. There were some good memories from that day.

Ashton stood up the third time he watched Calum kick the snow next to his boot. He had already run down the ground, a clear track on the snow where he had been swinging his foot back and forth. Ashton was wary of approaching the younger boy, but he wanted to be there for him, even if he didn’t say anything, just as a physical presence for Calum to lean on. Ashton was acting almost on instinct, trying to find a way to console him. Calum had been so great at that for the past week. For the whole month they had been dating, actually. Even that first time Calum came to his flat, he had known what to do to help Ashton through whatever he was feeling. It made the older feel kind of incompetent now, just offering kisses and wanting to take pictures.

Calum didn’t even hear him getting closer, because when Ashton reached for his hand, he turned around startled.

“Hey.”

Ashton nosed at Calum’s shoulder, resting his head there. He could feel Calum’s left hand coming up to run through his hair.

“Hey.” Calum whispered back.

Despite the greeting, he went back to looking ahead, his hand stopping on Ashton’s head.

Ashton pressed a kiss on the part of Calum’s neck open to view between his neck warmer and jumper. It was one of those rare days he wasn’t wearing a turtleneck, perhaps because the ones he had were too light for this weather. Ashton felt more than he heard Calum sighing, right hand squeezing on Ashton’s.

They stayed there for another few minutes, quiet. Calum had resumed caressing Ashton’s hair, and it made Ashton long for the nap that Calum had promised that morning. He was definitely going to demand it after Christmas dinner.

After a while, Ashton leaned away, walking off to the only place where there was still a good amount of snow piled up –good amount considering what he was working with–, and crouched down, starting to gather some up, evil plan gearing on his brain. Last time it snowed in Cambridge, he had been a newbie to the unit and had been working a string of endless nights, not having the strength of mind nor body to actually enjoy it or even play with it. But now… Well.

Calum caught on to his plan maybe in between Ashton standing up and his arm throwing the snowball, arms moving up to protect himself.

“Hey!” He complained. “If you’re starting a war, you need to proclaim it!” Calum winced, rubbing the snow off of his coat. But he was already crouching down with a smile and gathering up his own snow, getting ready.

Ashton laughed, glad that he had gotten Calum to smile. They tried to play around how they could with the small amount of snow littered on the ground, but most of it was melting down and they were actually throwing mud together with it. Within minutes they were both panting from running around, cheeks red from laughing too hard, Calum actually even tackling him to the ground to avoid an incoming snowball from Ashton. Which meant, they ended both covered in mud and with their clothes starting to feel icky and damp. But Calum was still giggling on top of him and Ashton counted it as a win.

“Should we head back?” He laughed looking up, wanting to run his hands through Calum’s curls, but that would be a bad idea. Hair and mud weren’t exactly a good combination.

“Mum expected us at 1, but yeah, we should.” Calum laughed back, leaning forward and quickly stealing a kiss from Ashton’s lips before getting up, offering him a hand.

“One last pic after the war?” Ashton joked, but Calum surprised him by taking out his own phone and snapping the picture himself. Ashton innocently requested for a second pic, turning Calum’s head and kissing him just as the shutter clicked. Calum went red faced again, but he smiled softly at the pic he had just taken, Ashton’s face mirroring his as he watched Calum set the picture as his background. It made Ashton’s heart squeeze and jump around in his chest, tackling the younger boy back to the ground and claiming his lips in a kiss, unable to stop his raging heart.

The way down from the mines was quicker, going downhill clearly helping them. Or perhaps it was the cold making them hurry, now that their clothes were damp and didn’t cut the wind that well. As soon as they reached the car, draping two old blankets over their seats so the mud didn’t turn the car into a swamp, Ashton turned on the heating, putting his hands over the vents when warm air started floating out.

To his left Calum was doing the same. He hadn’t been exactly _quiet_ on their way back down. The younger had been cracking jokes as if everything was okay, talking excitedly about the roast –and, truthfully, Ashton had been right on the same page about that. His stomach was rumbling, and he was looking forward to it, because when they left, the house already smelled like something delicious–. So it wasn’t like Calum was _sad_ , but Ashton still spied it in the back of his eyes whenever Calum took too much time to answer or laugh.

They had been driving for about ten minutes when Calum suddenly broke the comfortable silence they had fallen into, Ashton’s Christmas playlist softly playing in the background.

“Can we, um.” The younger boy hesitated, and Ashton could see him biting his lip out of the corner of his eye. “Would you mind if we made a stop somewhere before getting back?”

There was something strange tinting Calum’s tone. Ashton frowned.

“We’re completely covered in mud. And drenched.” He started, but he noticed a change in Calum’s breathing, as if he was making an effort to control it, and he hurried to add. “I don’t want you to get sick. We should shower and change.”

There was silence for a couple of seconds before he heard Calum turning in his seat, a quick glance confirming the younger was now facing him.

“It’s–. It’s important.” Calum prodded, adding in a soft voice, “Please.”

Ashton turned to look at him, taking in his mournful eyes, the downturn of his mouth, and he pretty much knew _where_ Calum wanted to go without him even having to say it out loud. He sighed as he put his eyes back on the road, left hand reaching for Calum’s.

“Okay. Tell me how to get there.”

Calum was squeezing his hand, trying to breathe steady.

“Thank you, Ash.”

It was relatively close to Calum’s house –or to the streets Ashton remembered to have passed earlier that morning. It was quite sombre, the cemetery, when Ashton brought the car to a stop in front of the doors, turning off the engine. Sun was hidden behind some clouds, casting everything in shadows, and Ashton shivered, missing the heater. Calum was staring off into the gates, gaze unfocussed.

“I’ll wait here, if you want.” Ashton whispered, stroking Calum’s palm with his thumb. The younger kept looking towards the open gates for a moment before turning to face him, hesitation in his eyes.

“Can you come? I–.” He started, voice catching halfway through. “I need…” The younger boy trailed off

“Okay. Yeah.” Ashton hurried to agree, squeezing Calum’s hand once more. “I’m with you, Calum. Whatever you need.”

The other boy shot him a tight smile, breathing in deep before unbuckling his seat belt, sighing as he left the car. Ashton took the keys and followed him out, stepping around the car to take Calum’s hand in his again. He didn’t want to let go unless Calum specified so.

They had to look absolutely dreadful, both their hair a mess from the wind up in the trail, mud covering their clothes. A couple of people gathered around the first set of graves stared at them as they walked by. But otherwise, the place was empty.

Ashton wondered if people had already visited their loved ones earlier that morning because most memorials had fresh flowers laying on them.

Calum walked slowly, hesitating sometimes when the path divided itself, as if he didn’t remember the way too well. Ashton wondered how many times he had come here. It didn’t seem to have been many, and Ashton could relate. He went once to visit Bec before he left Sydney, the only time other than that being her burial. He would have liked to visit this year, but… Things didn’t always turn out how you want them.

Calum’s eyes were gazing around the rest of the memorials on their path, frown deepening as they walked towards an older part of the cemetery, stones not as shiny, weathered down.

“I forgot to buy flowers.” Calum said, frowning.

Ashton looked around, and his eyes caught on some wild blue flowers growing in the shade of an old tree, near the corner of the walls surrounding the place. He tightened his grip on Calum’s hand, getting his attention before gesturing in that direction.

“Hey. We can. Look, you can pick some, over there.” Ashton wanted to face palm himself.

He wasn’t the best at dealing with this stuff, no matter how important he thought it was to talk and work on it. Him staying shut about Bec for nearly a year was clearly an example of that. And now that he tried to be there for Calum, he tripped over his words, cutting sentences in half. At least he hadn’t noticed the younger getting tense at his inability to actually help.

He led Calum that way, stopping just before the beautiful blue flowers on the ground, waiting for Calum to crouch down and pick some of them. But the other boy was standing still, eyes clouded as he stared at the ground, lips quivering.

“Cal?” Ashton whispered, nuzzling his shoulder.

“Those were her favourite.” The younger muttered, blinking quickly and bringing up a hand to brush away a stray tear before crouching down, starting to pick them randomly. “She always had a vase of these. Planted them in the garden behind her house. Said they reminded her of my granddad.”

Ashton smiled, crouching down and sliding his hand up and down Calum’s back, trying to give some comfort. The black-haired boy turned to him, smiling a bit, his eyes a bit less sad, a bit more reminiscing.

“It’s weird that they still have flowers, it should have become dormant by now. You know what they are?” He asked Ashton, eyes curious. Ashton shook his head. He didn’t know anything about flowers beyond daisies and roses. Calum laughed a little, bringing one up and sliding it through Ashton’s curls, resting it on his ear. The older felt himself blushing at the action, Calum’s hand remaining there for a couple of moments.

“Their scientific name is Myosotis. I don’t even remember when I learnt that.” Calum giggled, thumb brushing Ashton’s cheek. “But, they’re commonly known as Forget-me-nots.”

Ashton felt as if the air was punched out of his chest. How oddly fitting that he pointed those out, that he pointed Calum’s Nan’s favourite flowers, that they were blue, that they were called forget-me-nots. It all seemed to fit too well, and Ashton distrusted the flowers, as stupid as that sounded.

Calum had gathered a decent amount, tugging on Ashton’s hand as he got up again, this time his feet taking the path surely, as if he remembered the way there now. The hand holding the blossoms was white from gripping then tight, and Ashton leant his head left, pressing a kiss on Calum’s shoulder. He relaxed slightly.

Their destination wasn’t much further, Calum stopping at a lair, small stone memorial over it, a couple of bouquets already laid down in front of it. Ashton let Calum’s hand go, taking a step back. As much as the younger has said he wanted him here, Ashton doubted he meant literally _there_ with him as he paid his respects.

It seemed like it was a shared lair, both Calum’s grandparents’ names engraved on the stone, the lyrics to an old song carved underneath. Calum had crouched down, arranging the flowers in his hands to be able to properly lay them down next to the others. Ashton guessed they were from Calum’s dad and his uncle. He didn’t really know much of the boy’s extended family, but he knew Calum had a handful of cousins.

Ashton wished he was back in Australia, that he could have visited Bec’s grave on the anniversary of her death, bring her flowers even when he didn’t know the first thing about them. It would have done him good. Would have calmed the ache deep in his heart a bit.

Ashton knew his mum had actually gone to leave her flowers. She had decided even before Ashton so much as asked her to do it. It warmed his heart. But it also hurt being away and not being able to do it himself. He sometimes let his thoughts ran freely on how Bec would have taken him moving to the UK if she knew. If she was even watching. Ashton wasn’t sure he believed in the afterlife. He had never given enough thought to religion or believes. It was a part of him he hadn’t ventured into much and only thought about in passing after he lost her.

Calum was caressing the stone, his lips moving but no sound really coming out. Wind had picked up, the clouds that had previously hidden the sun covering most of the sky now. They were dark and probably carried rain with them. It was colder now, and Ashton clutched his coat closer, shivering a little. He didn’t want to interrupt whatever Calum was going through, so he just waited. This was important for him, and Ashton could certainly relate. It wasn’t something that could be rushed.

He watched as Calum took a seat down, bringing his legs up and hugging them. He looked younger, rocking in the spot. Ashton knew by the tremble of his shoulders that he was crying, but he still didn’t know if he should take a step closer, kneel down and hug him. There were no people around them, the families they had seen when they arrived long gone.

When the sound of Calum quietly sobbing reached his ears, Ashton didn’t think again, he just knelt down behind him, one hand resting in Calum’s shoulder, the younger reaching up and lacing their fingers together, squeezing. Ashton laid a kiss on his head, stayed there, bringing his left arm around Calum and hugging him close. It seemed to be the defining moment, because Calum crumbled against him, tears flowing freely down his face, not trying to quiet down his sobs anymore.

He was clutching Ashton’s left arm like it was a lifeline, and Ashton fell forward, encasing him how he could with his body, taking in the rocking and trying to just be there for Calum. He would be lying if he said hearing the younger boy cry didn’t bring tears to his own eyes, his heart aching not only for the boy falling to pieces in front of him, but for his own loss. But Ashton tried to get a grip on himself. Today was Calum’s. He couldn’t crumble again. He had to be there for him.

Eventually the younger calmed down, sobbing quieting, but he kept clutching Ashton’s hand. The older tightened his hold on him as he pressed another kiss to his temple, Calum sighing.

“We should go back. It must be almost 1.” Calum said with a quiet voice. It was raspy, from all the crying, and weak.

“We can stay however long you need to, Cal.”

Calum sniffled at that, burying his face in his knees. He was shaking, and Ashton didn’t know if it was because of the situation, the cold wind picking up, or both. He hugged him closer, sitting down himself, bringing Calum into his arms, his legs around him. The younger boy let himself rest against his arms, Ashton noticing how he wasn’t crying anymore, but he still had this unfinished look on his eyes.

“I think she would have liked you.” Calum whispered, his right hand leaving Ashton’s in favour of stroking up and down his forearm. Even through the multiple layers of clothes, Ashton shivered at the touch. “You totally would have wooed her. You’re such a _nice young lad_.” Calum said, breaking into giggles.

Ashton let out a surprised chuckle at Calum’s tone, eyes following Calum’s index tracing patterns on his arm.

“You’re like, the prototype every grandparent wants for their grandchildren. Well behaved, extra polite, perfect manners. Super nice to everyone.” Calum continued, and Ashton snorted at that.

“I think you got it backwards.” He laughed. “You’re describing yourself.”

“Nah.” Calum disagreed, burrowing back into his arms. “You’re the perfect young man.”

Ashton laughed, but he didn’t open his mouth again to contradict him. Colour had risen to his cheeks, not that that was important right now. He was just here as someone for Calum to lean on. Said boy had gone contemplative again, his hand stopping on Ashton’s arm, breathing slowed.

“And you take great care of me.” He whispered. “My grandma would have loved that. Loved you for it.”

Ashton had to blink several times trying to disperse the tears, but they still fell down. He didn’t feel like he had done that great a job taking care of Calum, but the younger boy had seemed sincere in his statement. For the past month it had been more of Calum taking care of him than Ashton taking care of the boy.

“I don’t know if what I’ve done is considered as taking care of you. It was mostly the other way around.” He whispered.

Calum sighed, finger restarting its way down Ashtons forearm until he laced their fingers together, turning a little so he could see Ashton.

“We take care of each other.” He said with determination, something sparkling to life deep in his eyes.

Ashton felt kind of overwhelmed by Calum’s gaze. It felt significant in some way he wasn’t ready to address yet. His old impulse to run away flared back, and Ashton tried to suppress it, instead closing his eyes and nuzzling Calum’s nose, trying to distract himself from the sudden amount of _feelings_ just one look had let loose in his chest. Calum nuzzled right back in, burying his face in Ashton’s neck. The older didn’t know if he had noticed the second of panic in his eyes, but he hoped not. He didn’t doubt his relationship with Calum, he just was scared. Of how big everything felt in such a short amount of time.

Time passed with them both sitting there. The sky had completely filled with clouds, and by the smell in the air, Ashton knew it wouldn’t take much longer for it to start pouring down. And he still didn’t move. Calum had come out of his neck, eyes trained on his grandparents’ names, forget-me-nots laying on the ground just below the lyrics, blue even more striking against the grey of the stone.

“Thanks for being here.”

It had been so quiet that Ashton would have missed it with the wind howling around them if he hadn’t been fully focused on the boy in his arms.

“You asked me to accompany you. I told you, whatever you need.” Ashton mumbled, pressing a sweet kiss against Calum’s neck.

“I meant in general.” Calum sighed, turning back to him. “For coming up North. For being _with me_. Just. Um. I’m grateful.”

Ashton gaped at him for like a second before he answered.

“You don’t need to thank me for that, Cal. I want to _be_ with you. That covers everything else.”

The younger boy hummed, lowering his gaze away from Ashton’s eyes. He seemed nervous for some reason.

“I am still grateful that you’re here.” He muttered, cheeks reddening before he looked back up and laid a gentle kiss on Ashton’s cheek, making him also blush. He nuzzled Calum’s nose again, fond, and the younger’s lips stretched into a smile before he kissed Ashton. A kiss that lasted less than a second because Ashton moved away quickly, growing even redder.

“I’m not kissing you in front of your grandparents.” He murmured.

Calum stared at him, still, until suddenly he was twisting in Ashton’s embrace, laughter shaking his shoulders, amused gaze falling on Ashton’s face, making him blush even more.

“I told you, _the perfect_ _young lad._ ” Calum laughed some more, delighted when Ashton’s face grow impossibly more red.

“Shut up.” He whined, hiding his face against Calum’s back, embarrassed. But he was happy Calum was laughing and smiling again. The morning had been such a rollercoaster, he just felt like he needed that nap even more now.

“We have to go. I felt my phone buzzing a couple of times several minutes ago. They will be wondering where we are.” Calum sighed, moving to get out of Ashton’s hold and up from the ground.

Ashton stared up at him, taking Calum’s hand and standing up, frowning.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I needed to be here for a little bit longer.” Calum admitted quietly, right foot swinging back and forth, eyes falling to the flowers. “I haven’t come back here much. I needed them to know I haven’t forgotten them.”

Ashton smiled weakly at that, bringing Calum closer by the hand he was holding, hugging him tight.

“I’m sure they know, Cal. I’m sure she knows.” Ashton whispered in his ear, feeling Calum’s arms squeezing his middle before he stepped away, started walking towards the exit.

Clouds were still covering the sky, but Ashton now wasn’t so sure it would rain. Wind had stopped, but, temperature had indeed dropped, and he found himself shivering and quickening his pace. He needed a hot shower. Catching a cold on his only week off wasn’t something he necessarily looked forward to. Calum seemed to agree, because he quickened his pace too, tugging on Ashton’s hand, and shivering himself as they climbed the car and Ashton turned on the engine and the heater. Not that it would do much in the short way from here to Calum’s home.

When they arrived, Ashton urged the younger to go up directly to the bathroom, assuring him he could relay their arrival to Calum’s parents without feeling too awkward. He passed by Mali on the hall, carrying plates with roast vegetables that made Ashton’s mouth water.

“Nice flower.” She snickered, and Ashton frowned before remembering that Calum had woven one in his hair as he was picking his bouquet.

He shook his head as he continued the way to the kitchen, opening it slightly and poking his head inside, sizing the scene in front of him. David was busy stirring something on the stove and cutting more vegetables for what Ashton assumed was soup, and Joy was busy plating everything else. He felt guilty they had gone on their own that morning, not even thinking about helping out. And he was kind of a guest. He should have offered help.

“Oh, um. We’re back. Calum’s gone to shower.” He said, kind of cowering behind the door.

His guilt over not helping might have been reflected on his face, because when Joy caught his eyes, she shook her head, smiling at him.

“Could you help me carry these out, Ashton?” She offered him two plates as she took on three others, following a slightly uncomfortable Ashton out and to the dining room.

“I’m sorry we weren’t here to help, Mrs… Joy.”

“Nonsense. Dinner was practically already cooked through, just needed to heat it up.” She answered, leaving the dishes on the dinner table.

Ashton looked around, but Mali was nowhere to be found.

“Did you have a nice morning?” She asked again, smiling at him as she placed the dishes Ashton brought on the very few available spaces on the table.

“Yeah. Um. Had a snowball fight and all.” Ashton chuckled, making Joy smile bigger.

“That’s good. A bit of fun is always good.”

“Yeah.” Ashton agreed, but his mind was back at the cemetery. Did Calum tell his parents where they had been to? He didn’t really want to step on whether he had or not. The younger boy had seemed okay when leaving, but Ashton still worried.

He knew what it was to be down. And it wasn’t fixed that easily. He was trying to be better today, for Calum, and in some ways, it was working. Being there for the younger boy was making his thoughts stay away from his own pain. It was still there, but somehow it was muted, relegated to a corner of his mind.

“... Ashton?”

He looked back up, shaking himself out of those thoughts. Apparently, Joy had asked him something, and he hadn’t even heard it.

“What? Sorry, I’m a bit spaced out.” He tried to laugh it off, an apologetic smile on his face.

“Did you lose someone too, dear?” Joy asked softly, her eyes slightly concerned, and Ashton felt taken aback.

“What?” He repeated, his voice strangled.

“You look heartbroken, and even when I know where Calum’s taken you,–” she gestured to his hair, Ashton bringing a hand up and touching the flower as he stared at her, “–I doubt it’s just because of his pain.”

Was he so easy to read? Or was it just this family?

“I…” He trailed off, not knowing where to look.

Joy seemed to sense the question had left him unsteady on his feet, unsure of what to do, because her expression turned regretful.

“It’s okay. None of my business. I’m sorry I asked, Ashton.” She apologised quickly, and Ashton kind of felt bad.

During the past year he hadn’t talked about Bec because no one had ever really asked anything. Luke knew he was hurting, but even him hadn’t prodded. He hadn’t been ready to talk about it then, hadn’t come to terms with it. But in the last few weeks he felt like he was doing it. He made a mental note of telling Luke the next time he saw him face to face, he owed the younger boy that, no matter what he said. Because if Ashton felt now ready to share that part of his past now, Luke, who had helped him immeasurably through those first months even without fully knowing, _deserved_ Ashton telling him the whole story.

So it wasn’t like right now Ashton felt unable or uncomfortable answering, even if it was Calum’s mother, it was just that he wasn’t used to people _asking_.

“No, no. It’s okay.” He sent her a smile he hoped looked reassuring. “I, um, lost my best friend. Last year. Around this time.” He muttered, looking down at the table and training his eyes on the assortment of brussel sprouts, carrot and peas. Everything looked and smelled delicious.

Joy hummed, across from him, straightening up some cutlery she had knocked off before when laying down the plates.

“I’m sorry for your loss, that must have not been easy with you moving here.”

Ashton’s lips stretched into a tight smile, inhaling deep before he looked back up to Joy.

“Thank you.”

Silence stretched for a few seconds before Joy cleared her throat.

“Maybe you should go have a shower too, warm up.” She smiled, and Ashton smiled back, thankful that she had given him a chance to escape back to relative safety, to Calum.

“We will be down shortly.”

“I know my son, he doesn’t take short showers.” She laughed, and in that moment Ashton could see and hear Calum’s laughter in hers. It was kind of strange.

He waved goodbye and ran up the stairs, almost bumping into Mali again, coming down from Calum’s room. She didn’t say anything this time, just squeezed his shoulder and continued her way down.

“I thought you would be out of the shower already.” He tsked when he opened the door and found Calum lounging on his chairs, examining his sextant. It made Ashton smile, kinda.

“Mali came up to talk.”

He didn’t offer anything else, but Ashton supposed what Mali had come to talk with him about. If his mum knew where they had been, so did Mali and his dad. He crossed the room, coming to a stop behind the chair and leaning down to hug Calum.

“You know they’re waiting on us for dinner, right? And that we both have to take a shower?” Ashton asked, and Calum laughed in his hold, turning around to look at him.

“We can always shower together, save time.”

Ashton knew he had to have blanched out because Calum’s brow furrowed.

“Or I can go really fast?” He suggested, wary now of Ashton’s answer. “I didn’t mean anything by it, Ash.”

The older knew he hadn’t, and even then something in him had been scared shitless of the proposition. It was as he had thought before, on the cemetery. His relationship with Calum was getting further than any other relationship he had had before, and they were doing so taking giant steps in a really short time. Ashton wasn’t afraid of the direction, but the speed was making him a little dizzy.

“I was just... taken aback.” He answered honestly.

Calum nodded, smiling back at him and pulling him by the back of his head for a quick peck before he stood up and grabbed the handful of clothes that were on the bed, going directly to the en-suite.

“I’ll be quick, I promise.” He stuck out his tongue childishly at Ashton before he closed the door behind himself.

Ashton stood there, still by his desk, staring at the door. He hadn’t outright said _no_. It was just… They had already seen each other naked, yes, but he had been turned on and clearly focused on Calum. This was different. It was in a way more...intimate. He was afraid of the step, but not of taking it _with_ Calum. Ashton thought he hadn’t properly conveyed that.

He found himself crossing the distance to the door quickly, his hand opening it before he had time for that annoying voice in his head to tell him not to do it. He was wishing more and more every day to just kick that voice to a corner of his mind and extinguish it.

Calum was halfway through undressing and almost fell down to the floor when Ashton came in, one foot stuck inside his trousers making him lose balance.

“You need something?” He asked, cheeks red at almost falling down, and Ashton just laughed.

“Nah.” He said as he started undressing too.

Calum’s eyes widened minutely before he resumed taking off his trousers, stepping out of them and coming close to Ashton just as he took his jumper out. He smiled at him sweetly before leaving a peck on his cheek. Then he reached up to take the blue flower from Ashton’s hair carefully, leaving it on the counter. Ashton didn’t know why, but he wanted to keep it, so he thanked that Calum had noticed it before getting to the shower, avoiding it getting ruined.

They both climbed into the shower together, clearly designed for just one person, and started laughing when Calum knocked himself against the glass door, trying to manoeuvre so he could reach the shower head.

“I didn’t think of this. Shit.” He grunted as he opened the tab, shivering as the first string of water hit him square in the head.

“Clearly you didn’t.” Ashton laughed from behind, leaning forward and dropping a kiss on Calum’s shoulder, perhaps lingering a bit longer than necessary now that Calum’s skin was on display.

“Hey, no funny business or I point this icicle water to you.” Calum threatened, taking the shower head from its perch so Ashton understood. But it just made the older laugh.

“It was a kiss, Cal.” He snorted.

The younger boy shook his head, concentrated in putting the shower at the perfect temperature. Ashton closed the distance between them, hugging him from behind. He was kind of overtly aware of his limp cock resting against Calum’s ass, but it wasn’t neither the moment nor he felt like doing anything. He just felt like being close to Calum. Having some physical contact to ground him, help soothe his pounding heart. He peered over Calum‘s shoulder to where he was working the temperature, bringing forward his own hand to test it.

“It’s good for me.” He mumbled against Calum’s shoulder, making the younger boy laugh and turn it slightly warmer.

“I prefer it a bit hotter, we’ll have to come to an agreement.” Calum snorted, but it wasn’t malicious.

Ashton extended his hand out again, testing it. It wasn’t his go to temperature, just a tad on the burning side, but he gave Calum the go, anyway. Calum kissed him on the cheek before trying to turn on the spot, bringing up the showerhead so they could actually start showering.

From then it went smooth, both taking turns to wash and rinse themselves. It was a weird sensation, doing this with Calum. Ashton could certainly say it was the first time he ever showered with a partner, and it brought a different kind of warmth to his chest, the domesticity of it all. Even if they kept bumping against the wall and the glass, giggling perhaps way too loud for the rest of the house not to hear. There were quick pecks in between, Calum washing his back for him, Ashton doing the same. It felt nice being like this with him.

“You gonna wash your hair?” Ashton asked, curious.

They both had put their heads under the stream of water, Calum resembling one of those fluffy dogs right out of a shower, looking ten times smaller wet than they do on the daily. His hair was completely flat on all sides, plastered to his forehead and hiding his eyes, and even then Ashton found him extremely cute. He really had it for him.

“I should wash it, yeah.” Calum answered, bringing up his hand and combing it backwards, his eyes suddenly appearing again.

“Can I do it?” Ashton blurted out. He hadn’t even known what got him to say it.

He felt himself blushing, Calum’s cheeks matching his as the younger boy observed him bashfully.

“Okay.” He agreed.

Ashton extended his right hand towards the stand where Calum kept his products, taking the shampoo and putting a decent amount on his hand, rubbing it together with his right and starting to lather Calum’s hair with it. He could feel the other boy’s eyes looking at him attentively as Ashton tried to massage his head and smiling when Calum let out a sigh.

“That actually feels really good. Although I’m scared you’ll tangle all my hair.” He chuckled.

Ashton laughed too, moving on to another part of Calum’s hair and keeping up the work, fingertips working on Calum’s scalp as the younger closed his eyes, apparently enjoying it. Ashton was soon rinsing it away, though, combing his fingers through Calum’s jet black locks. It felt kinda good.

“Should I do yours?” Calum asked when he finished, shaking his head to get rid of the excess of water like he was a dog. Ashton found it equal parts funny and cute.

“Okay. But we should maybe hurry.” He chuckled.

Calum rolled his eyes and got to it. It indeed felt _nice_. Like when Calum ran his fingers through his hair when they were lying on his couch together. It made shivers ran down his spine.

The younger was halfway through rinsing his hair when he suddenly started giggling, out of nowhere. Uncontrollably. Full-belly laughter. Ashton arched his eyebrows at him, confused, and Calum’s giggles gained force.

“Sorry, sorry.” He said in between laughs. “I just remembered a quote from a show about how washing your lover’s hair was the most–”

“– intimate thing you can do with them?” Ashton completed for him, cracking up now as well. Oh god, he had forgotten about that. How could he had forgotten about that?

“You know Brooklyn Nine-Nine?” Calum widened his eyes, still laughing.

“Hell yeah!” Ashton smiled excitedly. “Although being compared to Boyle is kind of…”

“Weird, right?” Calum finished, cracking up again, his eyes crinkling.

“Yeah.” Ashton snorted. “Still feels nice.”

“Yeah, I know. I liked it a lot.”

They finished the shower quickly after that, Calum almost falling down again when climbing out, Ashton grabbing his arm just in time. Plus, he got a nice view of Calum’s ass, which he hadn’t actually been privy that night they had sex, so. It was a good end for their first of many, Ashton hoped now, showers together.

In the midst of it all, he had even forgotten how scared he had been before about this. But it had been with Calum, and somehow, all that trust they had already built was solid enough for him to stand on as they did this. Plus, now that they were out of the shower, Ashton felt kind of stupid for even making such a big deal out of it. It wasn’t. It was just something else he could share with Calum. And he was glad to have it.

And if his eyes wandered all over Calum's body while they were towelling off, well. It wasn't his fault. Calum was looking too.

***

“I think I’m going to explode.” Calum grunted as they reached the last step, opening the door to his room, trudging their way towards the bed.

“I never should have eaten that much.” Ashton whined.

“Agreed.” Calum answered, popping out the button of the nice trousers Ashton had made him wear to dinner – _It’s just my parents, they don’t care–_. He was stepping out of them at the same time as climbing up the bed, and Ashton giggled, copying him but taking them completely off before climbing beside him.

Calum was still somehow wearing the crown from his cracker, stuck in his curls, pretty neon pink startling against the black. It made Ashton giggle harder. Maybe the wine they had had during dinner and the whisky Calum’s dad had gotten out for them after pudding had something to do with that. But he didn’t feel extremely drunk, just buzzy.

“Would you grant me a nap, your majesty?” Ashton joked, exaggerating a curtsey on the bed, making Calum punch him lightly as he laughed back, reaching to his hair and taking out the crown.

“Only if I can nap with you.” He smiled, crawling closer until he tackled Ashton to the mattress, the older letting out all his air in one breath. He still laughed, bringing up a hand and brushing through the younger’s curls. They were even floppier than normal. Ashton didn’t know if it was the shampoo, the water, or just the humidity. But he liked them a lot.

“This is nice and all, but I can’t exactly breathe, babe.” Ashton chuckled, and Calum rolled away, starfishing in the middle of the bed.

He was lucky to have grown up with a double all to himself. Ashton had grown up sleeping in a single, and sometimes even sharing with not only Harry, but Lauren too, and during university it hadn’t changed. Nowadays, his own bed back at Cambridge felt too big. He was glad as of lately Calum had been sleeping there. A bed that big was meant to be shared. Like this one too.

He reached for the edge of the mattress where his brand new throw was resting, and opened it up, nudging Calum to a side, bringing the throw over them both. It felt so fucking soft Ashton could cry.

“I thought we could break this in.” He sighed as he slid closer to Calum, nuzzling his neck until the boy turned on his side, facing him.

“I like that idea.” Calum mumbled, already half asleep, his foot prodding between Ashton’s legs for him to let Calum tangle his. It was their go to position lately. Ashton kinda loved falling asleep looking into Calum’s eyes.

He sighed contentedly when he felt Calum’s hand beginning to caress his arm slowly, up and down. It felt so nice. Ashton was so sleepy, mind fuzzy at the edges. Calum’s soft breathing was hitting his cheeks, his warm eyes reflecting the small smile pulling at his lips.

“I wish I could nap with you like this every day.” He whispered, his eyes slipping shut as he slid even closer to Calum, his arm strewn across Calum’s middle and hugging him near.

The younger boy just hummed in answer, leaning forward and stealing a kiss from Ashton’s lips. When he broke it off, he leaned back a little, clearly searching for the best position to sleep in. Ashton was honestly about to do the same, let the sleep take over him.

Dinner had actually been great. There was a huge amount of love in this house, and for a moment there, Ashton hadn’t felt like an outsider. The food had been amazing, but what made it all better had been Calum’s family actually treating him like part of them.

Calum hadn’t said anything else to him about that morning at the cemetery. Ashton knew it had to be tough celebrating when he was painfully missing someone in all the celebrations. But the younger boy had seemed content enough, smiling fondly at him behind his glass, watching adoringly as Ashton let himself relax between his family.

It had been a great time even if they felt like there was people missing in their day. It felt...

“Cal?” He whispered. He didn’t think the other boy had fallen asleep yet, his breathing hadn’t evened out.

Said boy hummed, opening his eyes a fraction of the way, evidently fighting off sleep. Ashton felt warm all over that he got to enjoy Calum like this, all relaxed and pliant and liking just as much as him a good nap.

“Remember first time we met?” Ashton started, his free hand coming out from beneath the pillow and sliding beneath Calum’s face, cupping his jaw. “You said something to me that sent my mind reeling that day.”

Calum closed his eyes, lazy smile with a hint of something stretching his lips.

“When I called you _sir_?”

“No!” Ashton sputtered, growing red to his ears. He tickled Calum’s tummy in retaliation, making the younger start giggling, squirming under his hand.

“I meant about _Blue Christmas_ , you dirty mind.” Calum smirked at him, and Ashton knew that call out would eventually come bite him in the ass some day. “I said the song was kind of sad, and you answered that that was the definition of Christmas.”

The smirk washed away from Calum’s face, leaving him with his brow furrowed.

“Um. Yes.” He admitted, as his left hand resumed caressing Ashton’s back. He was looking firmly at him now, seemingly having gotten himself awake because he sensed this was something of importance for Ashton.

“I kept coming back to that comment for like, the three weeks it took for us to meet again.” Ashton confessed.

It had really driven him crazy, and he hadn’t realised what those words had meant for Calum until last week. It kind of made sense, now.

“Why?” Calum frowned.

“Because you were right.” Ashton continued, his thumb stroking Calum’s cheek, a sad smile tugging at his lips. “You were right, and you were the first person I met that actually said it out loud.” He let out in a whisper.

Maybe that was what had always drawn him to Christmas films, always depicting the cheeriness and more often than not glossing over the melancholy such times always brought. Maybe that was why he had pushed the spirit more than what was normal because he also felt the sadness hanging in the air around people when the holidays came. Because he felt it in his mum.

“But it’s not only kind of _sad_ , Ash.” Calum protested, his eyes serious. “Christmas is kind of happy, too.” He breathed out, eyes slipping shut as he inhaled deeply, a small smile stretching on his mouth and eyes opening up to look at Ashton’s, a new shine over them that the older wasn’t going to comment right now. “It’s _bittersweet_.”

Ashton smiled at him because that was exactly what he had needed. Calum understood him. It’s what had drawn him in that first time. That there was someone who understood the down low of the holidays. Calum had been frank with him even when he didn’t even know him. That had made Ashton crushing on him understandable, made his crush develop faster.

“Yeah, it’s _bittersweet_.” He repeated, his eyes lost in Calum’s, the emotions running in his chest looking back at him through those eyes he adored so much. “That comment made me crush on you harder.”

The admission felt odd after a month of being dating, and it brought colour to his cheeks.

“Yeah?” Calum asked, that small smile that made Ashton’s heart flutter growing on his lips.

“Yeah. Made me feel like you _understood_.”

Calum smiled even harder at that, but the smile was broken by a yawn coming up his throat, making his face scrunch up as he fought off sleep.

“I’m sleepy.” He mumbled, his words smearing against Ashton’s palm still cupping his jaw.

Ashton huffed a laugh, fond.

“Then sleep.”

Calum yawned again, this time a smaller one, blinking a couple of times.

“But I woke myself up to talk with you. I like talking.” He pouted, which made Ashton let out another short, soft laugh.

“But you promised me a nap.” He tried to sound reasonable, but a yawn interrupted his own voice at the end of the sentence. “We both like napping.”

“That’s true. Okay, let’s sleep.” Calum lightly chuckled, already letting his eyes close. Well, that didn’t take much.

Within seconds Calum was out like a light, this time for good. Ashton hugged him closer, sliding his left hand beneath his pillow again and closing his eyes, falling asleep to Calum's evened breathing next to him.

***

“Cal.” He whispered, nuzzling the back of his neck.

The younger boy had rolled over in his sleep, his back to Ashton now, who still had his right arm securely holding him. But Calum seemed to still be peacefully sleeping.

Ashton had been awake for a while now, had watched the sunlight disappear as he laid there, listening to Calum’s soft breathing. It felt amazing, his mind not entirely awake, warm under the blanket, Calum’s warm back pressed to his front. Ashton would give anything to stay like that for the rest of his life. Although he’d prefer it if Calum were awake. For as comfy he felt right now, an eternity without hearing Calum talk and share his ideas felt like hell for the older.

“Babe.” He tried again, this time his lips brushing the Calum’s nape, lingering there.

Calum made a sound in the back of his throat, stirring a little in his arms. Ashton stroked his stomach gently as he waited for him to fully wake up. It took a couple more minutes, Ashton feeling the change in his breathing pattern right away.

“Hey.” He mumbled against Calum’s shoulder, unable to stop the soft smile breaking on his face at Calum cutely burrowing into the pillow, little cat noises coming from the back of his mouth, before he opened it to let out a small yawn.

“Hey. Time?” Calum slurred, and Ashton was sure he hadn’t even opened his eyes yet.

He had learnt over the last two weeks of waking up next to him, that the first five minutes of Calum woken up weren’t exactly his brightest, and he often shortened sentences or even just plainly forgot important words, brain caught up between sleep and being awake. As it was, his first words today were at least understandable. Last week he had woken up and literally said _‘Neutron gold. Warm.’_ and Ashton had laid there trying not to laugh because… who ever knew what he had meant by that?

“I don’t know the time, but I guess 4? 5ish?” Ashton whispered, smiling when he saw the goosebumps in Calum’s skin. He leaned forward a little and placed a kiss just underneath Calum’s ear.

“Did you sleep well?”

At that Calum rolled on the spot, facing him and finally opening up his eyes, content expression on his face.

“I always sleep well in your arms.”

And Ashton would have fake-gagged at that if he wasn’t too busy swooning at the boy. As it was, he leaned forward, brushing his lips against Calum’s, not even pursuing a kiss, just… Contact.

He honestly didn’t know how much time they spent there, looking at each other like a pair of lovesick fools, but he knew it had been long enough when they heard someone knocking at the door, the cough that followed indicating it was Mali.

“May I come in? You decent?”

Ashton chuckled, burying his face in Calum’s neck and leaving him to answer.

“Come in.”

Mali opened the door slowly, smiling when her gaze fell onto the bed.

“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping this whole time.” She snorted, plunging herself into the corner of the bed where Calum was. “You up for the movie now?”

The question was clearly directed at Calum, but Ashton still knew which film she was referring to. Calum had been anxiously waiting to watch it again.

“Give me five minutes. I’m comfy.”

Mali snorted, her eyes crossing with Ashton’s, who just smiled back.

“You can be comfy downstairs. You guys can get the couch, I’ll take the armchair.”

“Sounds fair.” Ashton laughed, nuzzling again Calum’s neck before starting to get up. Only, Calum reached for him, making him plunge back down to the bed.

“Five minutes.”

Both Mali and Ashton started laughing, Calum not even caring and just smiling contentedly, eyes closed as he burrowed into Ashton’s chest.

“I’ll put the DVD on. And I guess I’ll wait for you to come down to start the popcorn.”

Calum just waved her off, not even opening his eyes, and Mali swatted his thigh playfully over the blanket.

“Five minutes.”

“We’ll be there.” Ashton answered for them both, seeing as Calum was intent on just lying there doing nothing.

In the end, five minutes ended up being ten, Ashton smiling apologetically as he entered the living room alone, Calum had stayed behind saying something about having to pee so he wouldn’t have to get up during the film.

“Honestly, I didn’t expect you to come down this quick.” Mali had laughed, locking her phone and bringing up her feet to the armchair.

“Calum said you loved Love Actually, too.” She grinned as she got more comfortable, taking a small hand-knitted blanket that had been thrown over the back of the recliner and covering her legs.

“I kinda do, yeah. Favourite Christmas film.” He admitted, giggling a little.

Mali rolled her eyes, laughing too. She didn’t seem all that excited about it, though, and Ashton suddenly remembered something Calum had mentioned yesterday.

“You don’t like it much, do you?” He asked, and Mali arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s just, Calum said he was the only one in your family with an obsession for Christmas movies. Where did your tradition come from, then?”

Mali laughed at that, shaking her head.

“Do you know about the time he had appendicitis?”

Ashton frowned, he didn’t know how this had any connection to what he had asked. Mali just smiled at him.

“Yeah, he was 7 or 8, right?”

“He was 8.” She sighed. “We did a run to the video store to get some films he could watch while he was on bed rest, but since it was nearing Christmas almost everything had been rented out. There were few films left. Love Actually was one of them.”

And suddenly it clicked.

“So that's where it comes from.”

Mali nodded, still laughing quietly.

“I also think he had a giant crush on Brodie-Sangster in that film.” She snickered. “He watched it way too many times. Got the tape out. We had to buy the film.”

Ashton giggled at that, trying to imagine a little Calum watching time and again the same film, which wasn't exactly kid-friendly.

“And your parents let you both watch that? The majority of the plots are like…”

“Not for children, I know.” She snorted.

Just then Calum came through the door, carrying two bowls of popcorn and three sodas under his armpit. Ashton didn't know the label, and he eyed it distrustfully when Calum offered one to him. Mali had already popped it opened and taken a long gulp, smiling gratefully when Calum gave her her bowl of popcorn.

“What is this?” He asked as Calum sat down, burrowing into Ashton's side, his arm coming naturally around the younger boy.

“Just taste it.”

Ashton squinted at him, but if Mali had taken a long gulp, it couldn't be bad, right?

He popped it open, carefully sniffing it, and was about to take a sip when he noticed both siblings were carefully studying him.

“This isn't like, a prank, right?” He laughed nervously, which caused them both to break out laughing.

“Nah, it's just the rite of passage. If you don't like Irn Bru I cannot let you date my brother.” Mali smiled wickedly, and Calum did nothing but nod silently to her words.

Ashton took a sip, slowly, his eyes still shifting between the siblings. It tasted… Well, he didn't know exactly what it tasted like, but it was kind of delicious.

“It's good.” He said with a smile.

Calum looked offended.

“Good? _Just_ good? Is that your final answer?”

Ashton took another sip, trying to think of something more to say.

“I like it?” He continued after he swallowed.

Calum was looking at him like he had disappointed him, and Ashton looked to Mali for back up. He was completely lost right now. He didn't know what was happening. But the older girl just laughed, hand reaching up to cover her mouth.

“He's just messing with you, Ashton.”

She set to start the movie then, Ashton turning back to look at his boyfriend, who was now openly giggling at him.

“Oh god, your face. You looked so scared.” He laughed, even tears coming out of his eyes, and Ashton had half a mind of swatting him away from his side.

“You're mean.” He mumbled, taking back his arm from around Calum's back and grabbing a bunch of popcorn, munching on them silently as he trained his eyes on the TV in front of him.

“We do that to everyone who isn’t Scottish, and you’re just cute when I catch you by surprise, you know? I couldn’t resist.” Calum laughed softly, nuzzling Ashton’s neck until the older relaxed, letting him in again.

“Still mean.”

“But funny.”

“ _Mean_.”

“Shut up, the film is starting.” Mali admonished them from her seat on the armchair.

Maybe she didn’t like Christmas films, but for one reason or another, Ashton could tell she actually _liked_ this one. She was staring at the TV, too concentrated on Hugh Grant’s opening speech not to like it even a slight bit.

Ashton wondered if she had come to like it after countless watches with Calum. It seemed like it, and it somehow made his heart warm and ache at the same time. He owed Harry and Lauren extra cuddles and movie marathons when he went back even if they were slightly too old for it nowadays.

When little Brodie-Sangster came into view the first time, Ashton chuckled, remembering what Mali had mentioned before. Calum eyed him inquisitively from above him –they had ended up lying together on the couch, Calum resting half on top of him–, but Ashton just waved him off. But when the scene came with the boy asking what was worse than the _total agony of being in love_ , Ashton just lost it, breaking into laugh, Mali joining him, their gazes meeting over the table. Calum looked between them, before he turned completely to Mali, betrayed look on his face.

“You told him!” He said accusingly, and that just spurred Mali on, Ashton too.

“I get it Cal, kid was cute.”

Calum glanced back down at him, cheeks red, eyes shying away, before falling back against him, his mouth pressing a little kiss next to Ashton’s ear.

“Not as cute as you.” He whispered, hiding his face in Ashton’s neck as the film went on.

Ashton felt his cheeks heat up, because for as quiet as Calum had whispered, he still had a suspicion Mali had heard, because she was sending them a fond look before turning her attention back to the screen.

“You’re pretty cute too.” Ashton whispered, making sure this time it was quiet enough not to be overheard, and pressed a kiss to Calum’s hair. “But you’re missing the movie.”

Calum laughed and came back up, pecking him quickly before turning his head back again to the screen.

“I’ve seen it enough times that I know every single scene by heart. I can take a few moments to be sappy with my boyfriend.” Calum sighed.

And then he chuckled, turning his gaze back to Ashton. His eyes were soft, smile softer, one hand coming up to brush away some curls from Ashton’s forehead. The older was kind of confused by this right now, but he still enjoyed it immensely.

“Just because it’s Christmas,…” He heard Calum start, eyes shining, and it suddenly clicked for him.

“And at Christmas you tell the truth…” Ashton continued, playing this little game.

Calum rose up slightly, leaning down and nuzzling Ashton’s nose, sweet smile on his lips, eyes darting between Ashton’s, and the older felt his heart speed up, knowing which sentence was coming, heat rising again to his cheeks, smile widening when he saw Calum’s eyes gleaming. The younger boy brushed his lips against his a couple of times, his breathing slowing down, eyes slipping shut for a moment before he opened them back up. The emotion from that morning was present again, but now Ashton was too warm, comfy and happy to even think about how scary it was that he was kind of feeling it too. Calum opened his mouth, eyes fixing on his, and Ashton’s heart stopped even when he knew what was coming.

“... to me, you’re perfect.”

Warmth was spreading from his heart even more, his heart fluttering. He was aware his smile by now had to be that of a completely insane person, but what Calum was making him feel and how his body reacted to it was beyond Ashton’s control by now.

“You’re perfect to me too.” He whispered back, leaning up and brushing his lips softly back against Calum’s.

Ashton didn’t even hear the film in the background, his world reduced to the gorgeous boy staring back at him, blinding smile lightening up his whole face. He was about to go for a kiss when a cough brought him back to reality.

“You guys are super cute, but maybe save that for later? When I’m not around to witness my brother snogging his boyfriend, perhaps?”

Ashton tried to contain his giggle, but he couldn’t, instead smothering it against Calum’s neck, leaving the younger boy to fend his sister.

“Sorry, Mali.”

“Sorry.” Ashton added in a quiet voice.

The rest of the afternoon passed with the three of them laughing and commenting the film, Ashton actually asking for another bottle of Irn-Bru, and all in all, Christmas away from home started to feel a little like home, even if Ashton still missed the beach and his family.

But he had Calum, he was happy, and warmth surrounded him in every sense, and that was what mattered for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this earlier this morning and suddenly noticed one of the scenes from my plan (last scene with Love Actually) wasn't written, and I felt like crying because I swore I thought I was finished with the chapter hahahah. But here it is.  
> Tell me what you thought!  
> Love you all for reading ^^


	12. Cold December Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know which day I live in, so I completely forgot today was March 8th, so this chapter is coming later than I promised because I was busy this morning 💜♀️  
> Here it is, though! Hope you guys like it!

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t let me drive.” Ashton scoffed, crossing his arms and looking out the window. “I drove to breakfast.”

“Yes, but now we’re getting into the city and I’ve done this drive hundreds of times.” Calum explained, for –also– the hundredth time.

“Fine.”

It wasn’t like Ashton was salty about not being able to drive his own car. He was just concerned because Calum had woken up that morning with a bit of a sore throat, and Ashton was sure he was catching a cold. He should be resting, not driving them to the middle of Glasgow for god knows what surprise for their monthiversary. Ashton hated that he knew that word. But he also felt kind of giddy at the notion.

He had woken up earlier than Calum, pecking him sweetly before getting out of bed and crossing the way to the bathroom. He was halfway through his shower when he heard the younger joining him, his arms coming round Ashton’s middle. _‘Is this like, a thing now? Showering together?’_ he had asked, and Calum had swatted at his ass letting out an indignant huff, taking the showerhead from him. It had done nothing but make Ashton laugh harder.

After that they had had breakfast at a little café a town over, Calum finally letting him pay for something as they stared at each other over the table like a pair of lovesick fools.

It had been _good_.

And now they were on their way to this surprise Calum had said he had, not giving any specifics, and Ashton wondered why and where they were going this early –it was only half-past 10– and this dressed down –both wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts–.

“Can I at least know _where_ we are going?” He voiced his thoughts out loud, looking at the younger.

Calum glanced at him amusedly from behind his sunglasses. Ashton knew he was amused because even when he was trying to keep it behind his smile, it was showing on his face. A lot.

“I told you it was a surprise.” He finally chuckled, eyes trained on the dashboard. “Just. Relax. Sing something?” He suggested, and Ashton frowned.

“Sing something?”

“I’ve heard you in the shower.” Calum laughed. He was taking them to the outskirts of the city, but, not the part they had come through a moment ago. Ashton was trying to pay attention to the streets and all, but Calum’s laughter was distracting him. “You _like_ to sing, don’t deny it.” The younger boy proceeded. Ashton wasn't denying it. He _liked_ to sing. He had annoyed Luke more than once. “I just don’t know why you never do outside of the shower.”

Not exactly true, but it still made the older boy snort.

“That's because I have a terrible voice.”

“That’s not true.” Calum hurried to complain, even going as far as taking one hand off of the wheel to swat his knee. “I like your voice.” He added quietly, pouting.

And at that, Ashton felt himself grow red. Calum was looking ahead, focused on driving, but he was blushing a bit too. It made Ashton smile. He was finding himself observing Calum more and more as he drove lately. It was just the perfect time. The younger was usually hyper focused on the road, so Ashton took it as a chance to ogle him without the younger boy growing too bashful. Well, if Calum didn’t catch him.

“I can feel your eyes on me. Stop staring.” Said boy murmured, signalling right and going into what looked like an older neighbourhood. Not that Ashton was paying much attention to buildings now that his eyes were focused on Calum.

“I’m not staring, I’m _admiring_.” Ashton chuckled. And then spit the first thought that passed his mind without a filter, because, why would a filter be needed anyway, he was just stating the obvious. “You’re gorgeous.”

And instead of blushing more, as Ashton had been expecting, Calum snorted, starting to laugh so hard his eyes crinkled enough to show even with his sunglasses on.

“Yeah, I’m sure me in my gym clothes with my hair a mess and eye bags reaching the floor I’m gorgeous.” He laughed again, shaking his head.

Ashton was offended Calum didn’t believe him when he told him that, so. He thought of a way to counterattack that he was sure –not that much, to be honest– would work. Or maybe it would just made Ashton seem pathetic, but Calum had asked him to sing, so. Fingers crossed he actually remembered the lyrics correctly.

“ _Baby, I’m dancing in the dark with you between my arms._ ” He started humming low, not vocalising much. Calum only smiled a little, he didn’t seem to realise what _song_ Ashton was singing. “ _Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song_.”

At that part Calum actually did glance at him, smiling a bit, and Ashton was sure he still hadn’t caught on, and was just smiling because Ashton was acknowledging his request to sing. They were now on a secondary street, and Calum seemed to be searching for somewhere to park. The older boy extended a hand, reaching Calum’s knee over the console and squeezing lightly. Not only to get his attention, but to try to control his beating heart at singing _this_ to Calum. His face felt hot, and he was certain he didn’t exactly look cool right now.

“When _you said you looked a mess,_ ” Ashton felt Calum stepping on the brakes, slowing down the car brusquely. “ _I whispered underneath my breath, but you heard it, darling, you look_ perfect _tonight._ ”

Calum was gripping the wheel tightly, cheeks awfully red, but his smile had disappeared, his lips pressed into a thin line. He didn’t say anything, just put on the blinker to the right and focussed on parking, which, to be honest, was scaring Ashton a bit. So he stopped singing, waiting for the younger boy to say something, do something.

When Calum finally turned to look at him taking out the sunglasses, Ashton couldn’t help but to let out a nervous laugh. Calum this quiet was disconcerting.

“Did you intend for me to crash your car?” Calum whispered after what felt like an eternity for Ashton, his eyes studying Ashton’s carefully. Seriously, this whole thing was making the older just want to crack up and start laughing because Calum couldn’t be this serious, right? He swallowed before opening his mouth to answer.

“N–”

Faster than he could even say the word ‘no’ Calum breached the distance between them, the kiss chaste but hard, his hand tangled in the back of Ashton’s head. Ashton stayed frozen for like half a second before actually responding, his eyes slipping shut and his lips moving against Calum’s, the other boy letting out a quiet whine against his mouth. When Calum finally broke the kiss, his laboured breath hit Ashton’s lips, his own heart going crazy at the sudden turn of events. If he knew singing to Calum was going to get him these kinds kisses, he would have started doing it a long, long time ago.

He opened his eyes to find Calum’s piercing his, cheeks completely red, and lips a tad darker than before. It made Ashton want to bite them, tug on them, make Calum come close and kiss him again. So he did. The younger boy let out a groan at that, hand tightening on Ashton’s hair.

A corner of his mind thought about what they would look like to an outsider, kissing like crazy kids in the middle of a street inside their car, desperately clinging to one-another. But Calum was tugging on his hair, letting little sounds out, and Ashton’s mind zeroed in on that.

He felt completely dizzy, whimpering when Calum licked his lips, sliding his tongue inside, making him lose his mind over a simple kiss like it was the only thing that mattered in their lives right now. Ashton prayed the street wasn’t too transited, because he was quite enjoying this, whatever it was. Calum bit his lower lip, hard, tugging on it before breaking the kiss, breathing fast against Ashton’s lips, his eyes closed. The first bout of air to his lungs felt amazing, but at the second, Ashton already missed Calum’s lips against his.

It was a while with them staying there with their foreheads together, breaths mingling, Ashton’s eyes trained on Calum’s eyelids. Eventually, the younger opened his eyes, turning soft as he looked into Ashton’s, leaning forward and letting their lips brush together.

“You can’t just sing Ed Sheeran _to me_ and expect me to be all chill.” The younger complained quietly against his lips, bringing a smile to Ashton’s.

“Sorry?”

Calum let out a sigh, still working on getting his breathing back to normal.

“Don’t be. Just… don’t do it in the car while I’m driving?” He chuckled breathlessly, heat rising to his cheeks once again. “But later… Um. You can do it. Later. When we’re alone.”

Ashton smirked at that.

“Later?” He said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Calum just rolled his eyes before leaning in and kissing him one last time.

“Later.” The younger boy winked, biting his lip before turning away and taking the keys off of the ignition.

Okay. So singing to Calum got the boy going. Good to know. Even if Ashton still slightly doubted it was his voice which had made Calum like that. Probably just a reaction to the song choice. Yeah.

“Let’s go. I think we’re already late.” Calum said as he got out of the car, coming around it and taking out a box from the boot.

“Late for what?” Ashton frowned, unbuckling his seatbelt and quickly getting out of the car, grabbing his phone and scarf from the seat.

“Surprise.”

Calum closed the boot and started to walk down the street. Ashton groaned, hurrying to catch up to Calum as the younger boy pressed the lock button over his shoulder. It made Ashton snort. Sometimes Calum was such a kid –not that Ashton really minded, it was cute to watch–. When he caught up with him, Calum silently offered him his free hand and the older laced their fingers, leaning towards him. It was mostly an expression of fondness, but also, Calum was warm and the difference in temperature between the car and the street was quite big.

“Why did you say we were late? Do we have reservations somewhere?” Ashton asked.

He knew he was being a pain in the ass with the questions, but he was intrigued. Plus, he was curious about the box. Calum winced at the word reservations, though, turning to look at him with a worried expression on his face.

“We don’t have reservations. It’s not… That kind of a surprise.” He said slowly. “Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? I haven’t even seen this so called surprise.” Ashton frowned.

“It’s just. Something kinda _unorthodox_ for a date.” Calum seemed really worried now, chewing his lower lip, but this time Ashton knew it was because of nerves.

“I like unorthodox.” He smiled, leaning forward to leave a peck on Calum’s nose, giggling when it made him pull a funny face and bring their joined hands up to scratch it.

“Come on, it’s just up here.”

Calum tugged on his hand, crossing the street onto what looked like an old building, some blue sign with an acronym Ashton wasn’t familiar with on top of it. Calum didn’t even wait, he just pushed on the doors –which were surprisingly open– and lead him inside.

And then Ashton was speechless.

He stopped in the middle of the hallway, staring at the pictures adorning the whole hall, the little kids’ drawings, the murals. He could feel Calum looking at him. But he was just too focused on gaping at everything. He felt Calum tugging on his hand and he finally looked at him again, unable to close his mouth all the way. Of all the things he had imagined about Calum’s surprise this certainly wasn’t it.

“I volunteered here some time during my gap year.” Calum started, repositioning the box so it was resting on his hip. “Well. In a lot of organisations from the area.”

“Wait. You did a gap year? How did I not know this?” Ashton frowned, but he was more intrigued than anything else.

“Um. I don’t know.” Calum shrugged. “I guess it’s never come up?”

Ashton was still gaping at him, so caught up in looking around at the drawings that he almost didn’t notice the strange tone in Calum’s voice at saying it never came up.

There was a multitude of photos hanging on the walls, or framed on the showcases. They were mostly of the group of volunteers. Ashton’s heart squeezed. He could very well guess why. But then something to his right caught his attention.

“You’ve been here on Christmas before.”

He stepped around the younger boy, peering at the photograph behind the glass, depicting a team of volunteers smiling at the back of a hall, surrounded by Christmas decorations, the foreground filled with people eating Christmas dinner. Calum was on the sidelines, looking much younger, some highlights in his hair –Ashton was definitely going to ask about that later–, and a little girl around 7 or 8 hiding behind his leg.

“I was here for the better part of that gap year. And I came after when I was back home from uni.” Calum whispered. “I wanted to come yesterday, or even other days, because I hate that people only remember to help out on Christmastime.” Calum said beside him. By the sound of his voice Ashton knew he was frowning. “They already had almost every day covered by the people who work throughout the year, though. So when Samuel called and said he had had two people drop out on the 26th for lunch shift I said we could fill in?”

Ashton kept looking between picture-Calum and present-Calum, wondering why he had never even mentioned this before. It kind of made his head dizzy, knowing he and Calum shared another thing. And by the way Calum had posed this as a surprise for their date, Ashton was kind of feeling ready to swoon.

“So, did I ruin today or…?” The younger boy trailed off, worrying his lower lip.

“Are you kidding? No!” Ashton laughed. He couldn’t help it. This was as far from ruining it as Calum could go. It just made Ashton crush even harder on him, even when he already _was_ with him. “You didn’t ruin it. This is perfect.” He hurried to finish, smiling brightly as he squeezed Calum’s hand in his.

“Yeah?” The boy wondered, quietly. “Because I know this isn’t exactly date material.”

Ashton shook his head at that, taking a step closer and looking Calum firmly in the eye.

“I don’t care. We’re _us_ , remember? Our own way.” He watched as Calum’s lips finally relaxed into a small smile, his eyes flitting away bashfully. “This… You’re incredible, Cal. You really are.” Ashton whispered, marvelling at Calum’s eyes. There was some emotion flitting there for a moment before he went back to normal, Ashton nuzzling his nose and smiling when that brought a bigger smile out of Calum paired with a darker blush.

But then he was frowning, looking towards the end of the hall where noise could be heard.

“I haven’t done anything at all for a couple of years, though.” He winced. “And I used to judge people who only remembered during Holidays, but look at me now. I’m a hypocrite.”

He let go of Ashton’s hand, changing the box to his other side, and glancing back to the end of the hallway were Ashton was sure they were supposed to be. But he needed to sort this out first. He knew Calum was feeling mad at himself, and surely, he probably had no reason at all.

“You’ve been focused in your studies, Cal. That’s not bad.” He brought a hand up to stroke some stray curls away from Calum’s face. His hair was beginning to be on the longish side and it made Ashton warm, he liked it. “You can always look for volunteer opportunities when we get back, yeah? And I can join you if you want. It’s been some time for me too.” He tried, and Calum actually smiled back, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Okay.” The younger said with a small voice. Then his smile widened as he looked back into Ashton’s eyes. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everybody.”

With that he started walking to the back of the hallway, stretching his right hand out for Ashton to take. Ashton closed the distance between them, leaving a kiss on the younger’s shoulder. Calum exhaled, relaxing a bit. However, he didn’t take Ashton to the double doors that lead to the noise as he expected, instead he turned right at the end of the hallway and then walked up to another smaller door.

“I promise they don’t bite.” He whispered towards Ashton before opening the door.

The group of volunteers here wasn’t big –Ashton guessed there were more at the hall–. Calum knew most of them it seemed, because their faces lit up when they saw the black-haired boy walking through the door, rushing to greet him and hug him like he was a long-lost son. It was kind of weird standing there as Calum greeted them, but the younger boy squeezed his hand, introduced him immediately, and then it all seemed okay. Ashton wasn’t the best with new people –which was kind of peculiar, thinking of his career path–, but this group seemed to be going out of their way to make him feel welcome, hugging him and stuff. They looked like a good bunch.

Once the introductions and reunion was over, Calum brought him near the door again, stroking his hand softly.

“Hey, I want to go say hi to Samuel, he’s at the hall.” Calum whispered, studying him carefully. “You okay to hang in here for a couple of minutes?”

The _alone_ was implied, but Ashton still heard it.

“Yes.” He rolled his eyes, although it felt great knowing that Calum was still looking out for him, that he _knew_ when Ashton was feeling nervous and was there to hold his hand, Ashton was a big boy. He could handle a couple of minutes alone. “I’ll be fine. Go.”

Calum smiled, squeezing his hand one last time and going out the door. Ashton hated that he had grown to depend so much on his presence that without him he felt a lost.

“Hi there, love.” One of the women Calum had introduced him to said, coming closer. “You look a little lost. First time volunteering?” Her smile was kind, but Ashton was still trying to remember her name. He didn’t want to seem rude.

“Um, eh... No. Volunteered before, just not... here?” He smiled. He was feeling off without Calum there and apparently was doing a bad job of hiding it. Plus, he was lacking severe people skills.

“Oh, don’t worry.” She waved. “We don’t do much here. It’s quite easy to get the hang of it.”

“Doesn’t seem like ‘not much’. These places do make a difference. Volunteers make a difference.” Ashton smiled back. “How can I help?”

The woman smiled and walked over to the station she had been at when they first came in, checking some papers on the clipboard propped against some boxes there before beckoning Ashton closer.

“We’re still sorting out through the boxes of donations they brought on Monday and Christmas’ Eve. Holidays seem to get people in the charitable spirit, luckily for us.” She huffed a laugh, gesturing all around them where piles of boxes and bags were accumulated. “When Calum comes back you can both take, um–” She checked something on her clipboard. “Ah. Okay. Yes. We have a few bags with clothes on them at the other storage room that we still haven’t gone through, you can start with those. We are especially in need for winter children’s clothes, and I think we were asked for maternity clothes too. And umm...” She left the clipboard to look around, biting her lip as she surveyed the room. “Okay. We can set you up there.”

She nodded to a corner of the room where there was a small table, and enough space for them to work in.

“Okay.” Ashton smiled back, and then bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be rude, but I didn’t catch your name before…” He trailed off, and the woman instantly started laughing good-naturedly, a few of the other volunteers turning to look at them before shaking their heads and getting back to work.

“I’m Alice.” She offered him a hand –for the second time–, and Ashton shook it, growing a bit red. “Thanks for helping out, Ashton.”

And that made Ashton blush a little harder.

“Glad to be able to help, honestly.” He smiled, and the woman laughed.

“You seem like a good kid. Now, I have to get back to my own work.” She pointed to her station, desk covered in non-perishable food cans and other stuff. “Tell Calum to get the bags from the other storage room, he knows where it is.” She smiled and left Ashton alone again.

It gave him time to look around the room, still kind of gaping at the work being done here. Ashton had volunteered before, but for events and things like the bonfire, back at Cambourne. What these people did here… This was way more important.

He wondered again why Calum had never even mentioned he took a year off before college, or that he volunteered all throughout it. It wasn’t shocking, not really, knowing what Ashton did about him. The way he always stopped to thank whatever kitchen staff worked on the places they stopped to eat. The way he knew everyone back at Gardenia and The Eagle. How he went out of his way to get to know everyone, _help_ everyone. It fit. Ashton was just surprised that the younger boy never said anything.

“Hey.” Calum said, bringing him out of his thoughts, Ashton jerking a little.

“You startled me.” He laughed, embarrassed. Calum worried his lip as he tried to hide a grin.

“Sorry?”

That made Ashton shake his head, rolling his eyes.

“Alice gave us work. You’re supposed to lead me to the second storage room. We have to sort through clothes.”

Calum offered him his hand and Ashton laughed again, taking it and following the younger boy out the door towards the opposite end of the hall.

They brought a few bags over, Calum quickly explaining what the system they usually did to divide and classify clothes, Ashton getting the hang of it just as quickly. It was a nice atmosphere here. There was a radio on somewhere, still playing Christmas carols, and Ashton smiled fondly as the younger boy starting bopping his head and humming along to them, some older volunteers soon joining. It ended up straight up Christmas carols concert in the back room, everyone smiling and just having a good time as they kept on working.

Calum had filled him in on all the work they did here over the breaks between songs, telling him how they didn’t only work as a food and clothing bank, but also organised activities for children and procured a free place for them to be at while their parents worked. Well, two of the actually hired professionals did. Calum said volunteers often helped, but… Children were better taken care of by someone with certifications.

It had been close to two hours when Alice came for them to say they could have a break and head to the hall to have some lunch.

And, whatever Ashton had expected, it wasn’t exactly what they walked into. Tables had been pushed against the walls, leaving space for people to dance and have fun to the sound of music. Although it appeared to be just a game of musical chairs with just a dozen kids and a couple of people keeping an eye as they played with them. Christmas decorations still hung from the walls and ceiling, a whole wall filled with children’s drawings on the left of the hall.

Calum smiled at him and started walking towards the end of the hall where another couple volunteers were distributing hot meals out to the few adults here. The children had already eaten. Calum had said that most of the people who came usually showed up for tea, not lunch, though. They came for a hot meal before going back to a not so warm home. The queue wasn’t long, but it still made Ashton’s stomach churn unpleasantly. For as good as these kinds of organisations were, it was still fucked up why they needed to exist.

He noticed Calum eyeing him, but the younger didn’t say anything, just stood there, shoulder gently brushing against Ashton.

“Hey, young lads.” The older man scooping up what seemed to be stew greeted them, and by the way he was smiling at them, Ashton knew this had to be Samuel. He looked to be around forty, kind face regarding them as they stepped forward. “You must be Ashton, right?”

“Yup.” He smiled, offering a hand out for the man to shake, who took it, squeezing hard.

“Good to have you here, kid.”

“Good to be here.” Ashton answered, muttering a thank you to the bowl the other guy was handing him.

“Cal, maybe when you’ve finished eating you can do that thing for the kids? I think they’re starting to get fussy at the games.” The older man said, glancing over them to the children shrilling in the centre of the room.

“Yeah, I brought the projector and everything.” Calum grinned, taking his bowl too and grabbing Ashton’s hand, walking to a corner of the hall and sitting down on the floor, his back to the wall.

“Projector?” He arched an eyebrow as he copied him, trying not to spill any stew.

“My stars projector. The box I brought over.” He clarified. “I used to bring it too, teach the kids the constellations. Well. It mostly put them to sleep, bored, which in full school holidays was a welcomed relief for the people working and looking after them.” He giggled.

Ashton was looking at him, his mouth hanging open. With every new tidbit of information he grew more and more surprised that Calum hadn’t shared this before.

“Do I have something on my teeth?” The younger frowned, and Ashton could just swallow slowly as he stared at him. “Or is this about you finding me ‘gorgeous’–” He air-quoted, “–again?”

Ashton finally shook himself out of it, laughing a little and shaking his head.

“You don’t have anything in your teeth. And although you’re gorgeous, it’s not about that either.” He giggled. “I just… Why did you never mentioned this?” He gestured around, trying to encompass everything. “Why didn’t you tell me you did a gap year?”

Calum looked at him for a moment, mouth closing around the spoon and swallowing slowly, leaving it and the bowl on the floor, turning back to look at Ashton, biting his lip. He looked… nervous.

“I… I am not really proud of that year.” He admitted, his gaze lowering and drawing his legs up, brazing his knees.

“Not proud about what? For what it seems, you helped a _lot_. That’s… _incredible_.” Ashton whispered, crowding in and leaving his –for now– untouched bowl on the floor next to Calum’s.

“It really isn’t, when I started helping out for all the wrong reasons.” He exhaled, closing his eyes for a second, before looking back up into Ashton’s. “I didn’t know if I wanted to keep on studying after school. So I didn’t apply to any universities before I finished.” He smiled tightly at the memory. “Instead, Michael and I planned a train trip through Europe for like, 15 days during the summer and I just didn’t think any further than that.”

“You, _Calum Hood_ , weren’t sure you wanted to keep on _studying_?” Ashton asked, eyes wide. The idea of any Calum in any universe that didn’t want to get to _know_ more, who wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep discovering and _understanding_ things was a completely alien idea to the older.

“I know, sounds strange now to me too.” Calum scrunched up his face, shaking his head a little at the notion.

Ashton came closer to him, kneeling just in front of him and placing his hands on Calum’s knees, squeezing. The younger boy smiled at him, taking one of Ashton’s hands in his.

“Why did you say you helped out for the wrong reasons, though?” Ashton pressed.

The black-haired boy looked at him as he took a deep breath, his eyes flitting away for a moment.

“When we came back from Europe, Michael was packing to leave for Cambridge. He had a plan. I had none.” He sighed. “It took me like, three months to get antsy again about not studying.”

“ _That_ sounds more like the you I know.” Ashton laughed quietly.

“Thing was, I didn’t know how to deal with _‘not knowing stuff’_ , so I used to get frustrated at school and I just. I couldn’t manage it. I thought I just wouldn’t be able to do university.” He started scratching at his knee over the sweatpants and Ashton frowned, recognising the tic, putting his hand on top of Calum’s, stopping him.

“Calum…” He whispered, biting his lip.

The younger boy shook his head, smiling.

“I have it under control now. I think. I learnt how to deal with it, don’t worry. I just get… a little anxious sometimes.” He laughed it off, but Ashton squeezed his hands, leaving a kiss on them.

He had noticed Calum getting nervous and scratching his knee when he didn’t know how to solve one of his problem sets first time he tried, had seen him become restless when he didn’t know the answer to one of his assignments, couldn’t find it anywhere. But Ashton had just thought the tics to be a quirk, just the way he dealt with stress, not the surface of a more serious problem.

It seemed like he had misjudged a lot of things. Things that now looking back made more sense. Like Calum _needing_ to _know_ what had gone wrong on their first date. Him searching for Ashton like that. The older honestly wondered how Calum had stayed with him without knowing the whole story about Bec, how he had held up for weeks and hadn’t demanded it. How it hadn’t made him restless to be around the older.

“Anyway.” Calum exhaled, bringing him out of his thoughts. “I think it was around November, when I caved in. Couldn’t stand the idea of not studying more. I was looking at university applications, and I knew a gap year without any _real_ reason–” Ashton winced at the choice of words, but Calum kept going as if he hadn’t noticed, “–behind it wouldn’t look well to admissions. So I asked my mum for advice. She suggested I volunteer locally.”

 _Oh_.

“Maybe it wasn’t your idea, but you like this, Calum. You _liked_ spending time here, helping out. I can tell.” Ashton tried, looking at his eyes.

“You don’t get it, Ash. I decided to volunteer because it would look _good_ on my résumé. It wasn’t like I chose to do it on my own, to help people. It was for selfish reasons.” Calum winced, finally retrieving his hands from under Ashton’s and taking his bowl back, starting to eat.

Ashton stayed kneeling, sitting down on his feet in front of him, biting his lip and trying to find a way around that logic. Calum was munching on a piece of meat before swallowing, meeting his eyes again and shaking his head.

“There’s no way around it and you know it, Ash. Don’t try to look for one.” He laughed, actually laughed, and Ashton frowned.

“But you kept coming back to help, that picture in the hallway is from when you were already at Durham.”

“Doesn’t change the start.” The younger chuckled again, smiling when he put the next spoonful on his mouth.

“But you took time off to figure out what you wanted to do because you had to deal with anxie–”

“Ashton.” Calum cut him, swallowing whatever he still had left on his mouth, growing serious. “Please don’t do this? The whole ‘to me you’re perfect’ we did yesterday was in the spirit of the moment, and really, really sweet. But I am _not_ perfect, you shouldn’t have this… I don’t know. It feels like you’re always putting me on a pedestal.”

Ashton shook his head, his hands squeezing down on Calum’s knees.

“That’s not what I’m doing.” He muttered, almost to himself. But he kind of knew he _was_. Calum did seem perfect in his mind, and in real life. “This doesn’t change my opinion on you, it strengthens it. I still think you’re incredible.” He said slowly, looking up at Calum, who was just shaking his head.

“I’m really not.” He stressed his words with a flick of the spoon, starting to eat again.

Ashton sighed and went back to sit by his side, grabbing his bowl and starting to eat too. Calum smiled and shook his head, directing his attention now to the kids playing at the centre of the hall, tug of war seemingly having replaced musical chairs.

Ashton’s attention was divided between the stew, the children’s laughter, and Calum to his right, the younger’s eyes trained on the kids and small smile on his lips.

Ashton wasn’t delusional, he knew neither of them were actually _perfect_. The concept of perfection didn’t exactly exist in real life, but he still thought Calum had the merit for sticking around, helping people out. Even if he himself didn’t think that.

“I think this is the first time we disagree on something.” Ashton said suddenly, taking another spoonful. It was good, tasty. But Calum snorted.

“Are you kidding? We disagree about _a lot_ of things.” He snorted, right hand coming up to hide his mouth as he tried not to shower Ashton with food.

“What? No, we don’t.” Ashton frowned, wincing when one of the kids fell flat on his face, starting to cry. He wondered if they had a nurse in the volunteering team. He had half a mind to get up and go check the kid was okay.

“Um. Yeah, we _do_.” Calum contradicted. “We disagree on Vegemite and Marmite. On who’s our favourite Doctor. Your taste in socks. Even the colour _blue,_ –”

“Those are inconsequential.”

“–or. Okay, more recently.” For this Calum turned to look at him, starting to list things as he counted with the fingers on his right hand. “Shower temperature. Tea versus coffee. Just a few hours ago, we disagreed on who should drive here. Or right now, we’re disagreeing on how many times we’ve been in disagreement before.”

He finished grinning at him like he had proved Ashton wrong, and, well, Ashton had to give it to him.

“Okay, smarty pants.” He ignored Calum’s little frown at that, laughing. “You win. I agree we disagree about some things. I give you that.” Calum left his now empty bowl on the floor, clapping both his hands together. Ashton rolled his eyes, before swaying to his right and knocking his shoulder fondly against the younger’s, resting his head for a moment in the crook of his neck, sighing. “But we agree on all the important things, right?”

He could feel Calum’s intake of breath, his hand searching for Ashton’s.

“Yeah.” He whispered.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Ashton leaving his place on Calum’s shoulder to finish his lunch, which had already grown cold. He wondered how much time they had been here, he should be getting back to work. Calum should be going to the children. But he still had something he needed Calum to understand. “Cal?” The younger boy hummed, and if Ashton didn’t know better, he’d say Calum was sleepy. But he couldn’t be, right? They had slept like, eleven hours last night. “I still think people are capable of change, or growth, or whatever you’d like to call it. Even if you started volunteering for the wrong reasons, I met the boy who volunteered for the _good_ reasons. So I still think you’re pretty amazing.”

Ashton sighed, looking to his right, watching as Calum straightened up, meeting his gaze.

“I’ll... take that.” The black-haired boy said slowly, and Ashton smiled, but Calum raised a finger to stop him from answering. “As an _explanation_ of your thoughts.”

Ashton laughed. Okay. He would take that too.

“However, I think you see me through rose-tinted glasses sometimes.” Calum proceeded, and Ashton just full on broke out laughing.

“I hate to burst your bubble, Cal, but I’ve come into the loo after you’ve taken a dump. I think those glasses are _gone_.” He snorted, making the younger blush, hitting him softly on the shoulder as he turned away, embarrassed.

“Shut up. Gross.” He muttered, growing even redder. “You know what I _meant_.”

Ashton laughed, pressing his forehead to Calum’s back and leaning forward.

“I did.” He answered, leaving a kiss there before sneaking his arms around him and hugging Calum close to his chest, hooking his chin over his shoulder now. “Rose-tinted glasses or not, I like you a lot, Calum.”

He felt the younger shivering in his embrace, even the tips of his ears growing red, and Ashton squeezed him close, breathing him in.

“Any more secrets you want to share with me?” He whispered next to Calum’s ear, dropping a chaste kiss underneath. He could feel Calum’s laughter through his back more than he could hear it.

“Nah, I think that was the last one.” The younger boy giggled, turning around to face him. “Unless you count sex stuff, and _there_ , I have a few things to unpack.” He winked.

He _winked._

“What?” Ashton sputtered, laughing a little, knowing full well he was blushing under Calum’s gaze.

“Maybe not here.” Calum’s eyes flitted to the kids, now sitting down in a circle.

“Agreed.” Ashton nodded vehemently. He was still going to ask about that later. He wondered if it had anything to do with what Michael had almost blurted out loud at that dinner. Probably it did.

He watched as Calum got up, gathering both of their bowls and walking to the table set up at the corner where people left their stuff once they finished eating. Ashton wondered who cleaned that up. Maybe he could offer to clean it. He’d ask Samuel.

Calum came back to him, offering a hand and helping Ashton up, pecking his lips once they were at the same height.

“And for the record,” He started when they parted. “I didn’t consider this–” he gestured around the room, “–a ‘secret’.”

Ashton bit his lip. He hadn’t meant it like that.

“I know. It was a manner of speaking. Sorry.” He apologised, worried now that Calum felt he was accusing him of keeping this part of his life hidden.

“I know, don’t worry.” Calum smiled, nuzzling his nose and dissolving all of Ashton’s doubts in a flash. “I have to go show these kids some stars.”

“I have to get back to sorting clothes.” Ashton laughed. “I’ll see you on my next break.” He pecked the boy, leaving him dumbfounded and dashing away towards the door laughing.

***

Ashton’s heart almost leaped out of his chest when he pushed through the doors to the hall, looking for a cup of tea to have during his break. Calum was lying down close to the only wall without anything on it, stars shining on the smooth surface. They had turned off the lights, closed down some blinds, and the dozen or so children that had been running around and screaming their heads off before were now lying down around Calum, quiet and listening intently as the black-haired boy spoke softly.

The sight brought a warm smile to Ashton’s face, his heart picking up taking in the scene in front of him. One of the younger kids was actually using Calum as a pillow, having fallen asleep, and Ashton couldn’t help the feelings that sight alone brought out on his chest.

He had to shake himself out of it, walking to the end of the room where Alice had said there were supposed to be some mugs and a kettle. However, he was stopped halfway there by Samuel, calling him out from where they were seated near the tables, resting.

“Hey, Ashton! Come sit down for a bit.” He smiled, beckoning him over.

“Let me get some tea first.” Ashton smiled back, pointing to the kettle a ways away. Samuel grinned back and Ashton finished walking to the table.

He turned to look back at Calum while he waited for the water to start boiling, eyes turning soft at the younger stroking the child’s hair absentmindedly as he pointed stars to the other kids.

The kettle ticked off, and he quickly put a tea bag in one of the mugs, filling it with water and making his way towards Samuel and another couple of volunteers, grabbing a chair on the way.

“Hey.” He smiled at them as he took a seat, warming up his hands on the mug.

“Hey. Thanks again for coming today.” The older man said. “I know it was a bit of a last minute request, but Calum said you two wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all. I’m really happy to be here. The work you guys do is beyond inspiring.” He replied honestly, Samuel waving it off.

“Just doing what we can for the community.” The man laughed, the sound of it echoing in the otherwise now silent hall.

Most of the adults Ashton had seen before at his lunch break were nowhere to be seen, only a couple remaining, taking a nap on the corner of the hall.

Samuel and the others had gone back to their talk, but Ashton’s eyes kept looking back to Calum. He just looked too at home with these kids. The older was kind of mesmerised by how calm they all were. Although perhaps that had been due to them been exhausted from running around before, but Ashton preferred to think Calum’s soothing presence had something to do with it.

Samuel coughed to his right, trying to get his attention.

“So, Calum told me you were dating?” The older man asked, Ashton suddenly growing red at having being caught blatantly staring at his boyfriend. Not that it was unusual.

“Yeah, one month.” He smiled, facing him, his eyes flitting back to Calum for a second as if he was a magnet.

“Looks longer than that, kid.” The older laughed good-naturedly.

Ashton just felt his cheeks grow hotter and finally turned away from the heartwarming scene in front of him. Tea was still piping hot in his hands, so he started blowing on it. He had been mulling over what Calum had told him, about his first year coming here. He wondered if Samuel had been in charge too during that year.

“Um.. Can I ask you a question?” Ashton hesitated, biting his lip as he waited for the man to answer.

“About?” Samuel eyed him cautiously, as if struggling to discern what Ashton was going to ask. So he just came out and said it.

“Were you here when Calum first started volunteering?”

The older man sighed, now Ashton suddenly noticing the grey hairs sprinkled here and there on his hair, his tired eyes, the way his hands trembled a little as he clutched the mug. He didn’t know why, but he knew he had kind of fucked up.

“Yes, I was here every other day. In a manner of speaking.” He answered slowly, his eyes still carefully studying him, and Ashton suddenly understood what he was trying to say.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He trailed off, embarrassed, wishing he had never asked.

“What did you really want to ask?” Samuel asked, firmly, but not unkindly.

“Did Calum change over time? He said he wasn’t here for the, um, good reasons at first.” Ashton mumbled. Somehow asking this felt completely out-of-place now that he knew how Samuel met him.

“Change?” He pondered, taking a sip of his own mug, Ashton copying him for the lack of anything better to do. He burnt his tongue, but it didn’t matter. “I don’t think he _changed_ , per se. But I started seeing him more and more. Specially during school breaks when I brought my daughter over.”

Ashton nodded, his eyes going back to Calum. He had fallen silent now, small smile on his face, looking content there, just... staring at the stars on the wall and the ceiling. He looked kinda happy, too.

Ashton heard Samuel sighing to his right, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, eyes a little unfocussed.

“Look, Ashton, a lot of people come here, volunteer for a day, a week, a month, and then go. I’ve seen it happen.” Samuel said. “Calum’s not like that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Ashton smiled, blowing again over his cup, taking another small sip. He _knew_. It was Calum who didn’t.

“Then why are you asking, lad?”

For the first time in their conversation Ashton could feel the older man didn't know what he wanted. It was a weird change of pace.

“Because Calum doesn't think he's not like that.” He sighed, looking back to the volunteer, expecting him to be as conflicted as Ashton felt about that detail. Instead, the man let out a soft laugh, surprising Ashton.

“Well, everyone is entitled to have their own opinion on themselves, don't you think?” He breathed out, eyes challenging Ashton, forcing him to look at it from another angle. “Most of the people here come to offer help, thinking they know what it means for the people who need it. But most of them don't know how _much_ it does.”

Ashton breathed in deep. Samuel had leaned over and laid his mug gently on the table to his right, rubbing his hands together before facing Ashton again.

“You know, when you are a single parent struggling to put food on the table, having to ask for vouchers so your child can eat is… Hard.”

Ashton started drinking from his mug, hiding behind it as his eyes completely focused on him now. The story sounded familiar enough that he stayed quiet, waiting to hear the rest of it.

“The team of volunteers here is always helpful, they make it easy for you not to crumble under the,... I don't want to call it embarrassment, but that's exactly how it felt like. Like I had failed as a parent.” He clenched his teeth.

Ashton was quietly drinking, realising for the first time the other two volunteers had gone off and they were alone.

“When your kid finds someone to look up to, someone she's excited to hang out with while you try to put your life back together, well. That was… Difficult, but meaningful anyway to me.” He smiled, eyes trailing down from Calum to his mug, where he kept running his thumb up and down the handle. “You cannot change how someone thinks of themselves. But even when they don't believe in themselves, their actions and kindness towards other people speak enough, you know what I mean?” He asked Ashton, who nodded slowly.

“Calum helped a lot during that time while I was struggling. He showed up and helped my daughter and others with homework, played with them, distracted them. He's good with children.”

The older man laughed again, nodding in Calum's direction, who was now softly talking to a girl about 8 or 9 years old, explaining how the projector worked, helping her change the discs. The toddler from before was still sleeping on his lap.

It brought a different kind of warmth to Ashton’s heart, watching him like this. He had known university student Calum for a month, but ever since they got here, Ashton had been privy to son and little-brother Calum, and now to sort-of-older-brother, older-something Calum. It wasn’t like he was acting any different in any of those situations than the boy Ashton had gotten to know over the last few weeks, it just brought forth a new dimension of his personality each time, in turn making Ashton fall for him more and more. He was almost scared of how much he _liked_ him, how many feelings _Calum_ made swim around in his chest.

“Yeah, he seems good.”

Samuel pat him in the knee, retrieving his mug and getting up, looking down for a moment at him, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times.

“Would you take some advice from someone older?” He finally said, smiling a bit.

Ashton frowned, surprised, but he nodded anyway.

“I’m all ears.”

Samuel laughed, looking back to Calum for a moment.

“Don’t be too quick on building an idea in your head of who that boy _is_. You seem like you’ve been dating for longer than you’ve been, but you having that certainty about who he is supposed to be? It gives you away, lad.” He sighed, clapping Ashton’s shoulder. “Give yourselves time to really get to know each other. We are all growing constantly.”

Ashton was kind of stunned, mouth hanging partially open at the bluntness of the older man, who gave him one last clap on his back with a kind smile before turning away and going back to work.

He was left there, staring to the door Samuel had disappeared into, unable to close his mouth. He knew they didn’t exactly know _everything_ there was to know about each other. It was impossible in just a month but, probably impossible –scientifically speaking– even if they shared a whole life.

But the image Ashton had of Calum in his head wasn’t an _image_. It was the real him. And even when him taking time away from school and his first reasons for volunteering had come as a surprise, it _hadn’t._ Not truly.

It was just as Calum had said to him that day in the car, all these new bits of their lives they kept discovering just seemed to _fit_. It all fit with the Calum in his head, it all fit with the Calum in front of him. So even if Ashton still had a ways to go before he learnt everything there was to know about the other boy, he thought he had a pretty good grip on who Calum _was_ at his core. No matter what other people said.

His eyes crossed paths with Calum's across the hall, and he couldn't stop the warmth spreading from his heart even if he tried to. The younger boy was smiling at him, softly, like there wasn't anyone around them, and Ashton treasured that look more than anything else.

***

“So? What do you think?” Calum asked after they dropped their overnight bag on the bed, excitedly opening the curtains and the window.

Ashton couldn’t help but follow him to it, climbing to the window seat and shivering a little as the early evening breeze ruffled through his hair. Calum was looking at him expectantly as Ashton’s eyes shifted from the view in front of them to the boy next to him.

“I know it’s not exactly beach weather.” Calum said, frowning slightly as if he was worried Ashton had any problems with the room and the _weather_. “I hoped you’d like being close to the ocean and–”

“Wait. You chose this place because of the view?” Ashton cut him, turning to face him completely. “Because of the sea?”

Calum’s lips started to quirk up in a smile.

“And Mali gave me a really good price?” He said slowly, waiting for Ashton to actually say something.

“I…” He trailed off, not finding exactly words to express just how much it meant that Calum chose this place precisely because of the view of the sea. Ashton felt overwhelmed by the amount of feelings, so he just crossed the distance between them, opening his arms wide. “Ugh, come here!”

Calum willingly leaned into him, hugging him back as he laughed lightly, Ashton swinging them side to side as he laughed too, squeezing Calum real hard as he hid his face on his neck.

They had left the centre with the sky already dark, arriving to the coast with a little time to kill before tea, deciding to bring up their stuff to their room before actually doing anything.

The afternoon had gone well, Ashton managing to finish sorting through the bags he and Calum had brought over when they arrived at the morning. The younger boy had joined him about half an hour after Ashton came back from his break, all smiles and quite more relaxed than he had been that morning. Although he had started to sneeze. Ashton was worried.

Which brought him back to the present.

“Let’s close this.” He said as he broke the hug, closing the window firmly and turning back to look at him.

“I’m not going to get sick if I stand 5 minutes in the breeze.” Calum rolled his eyes, but he was smiling back at Ashton.

“Better be safe than sorry.” He pecked the younger boy on the cheek as he passed by him, jumping onto the bed on his back, sighing when he stopped bouncing. This mattress was too comfortable. Tomorrow he was going to have a hard time getting up.

Calum laughed at his antics, kicking off his trainers and joining him, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking down worriedly at him.

“I know we weren’t exactly together most of the time after lunch. I’m sorry.”

That made Ashton roll on his side, looking up at him as he extended his right hand to grab Calum’s, lacing their fingers and giving a squeeze.

“You don’t have to apologise, Cal. I liked getting to help out.” He smiled at the younger. “And I am getting you all to myself now, so, no complaints on my end.”

Calum let out a giggle, shaking his head.

“All to yourself?”

“Yup.” Ashton grinned, tugging on his hand and making Calum fall on top of him, still giggling, his rounded cheeks close enough to Ashton that he could actually bite them. Which.

“Ow!” Calum sat up quickly, his hand raising to his right cheek and eyebrows frowned in confusion, staring down at Ashton. “Did you just bite my face?” He said with his eyes wide, letting out an incredulous laugh.

“Yeah?” Ashton said slowly.

“Okay?” Calum answered, also slowly, another short laugh escaping him.

And then he was leaning back down, close enough that Ashton could perfectly see into his eyes, but holding himself up enough that the older wouldn’t get anywhere near close to biting him again. He pouted.

“If I lie down completely are you going to bite me again?” The younger giggled, and Ashton rolled his eyes.

“Maybe just your lips.” He admitted, blood rushing to his cheeks as that made Calum giggle more, mockingly contemplating it as he rubbed his chin.

“I can live with that.” The black-haired boy accepted, letting out a short laugh before lowering himself down and going for Ashton’s mouth.

And he didn’t even give Ashton a moment to breathe, he just charged right in, his tongue testing the older’s lips and he tried for him to open his mouth. Ashton responded to the kiss eagerly, moving his lips against Calum’s, but kept his mouth firmly close, wanting to tease him a little, make him wait. A small laugh escaped him when he felt the younger growing impatient, his plan working.

“You’re being mean.” Calum whined against his lips.

And then he actually bit Ashton’s lower lip, tugging on it and causing the older start laughing for real. Which, Calum took as an opportunity to finally slid his tongue inside, moving against the Ashton’s, tasting all around the older’s mouth and making him let out a moan. He could feel Calum’s triumphant smile even through the kiss and he retaliated, biting back on the younger’s lips. Which only spurred Calum on, driving him to kiss Ashton harder and making Ashton grow dizzy, already feeling the lack of oxygen. The kiss was leaving him breathless, his hand coming up to cup Calum’s jaw, his eyes rolling to the back of his skull when Calum licked hotly at his tongue. _Yes_. He had missed _this_.

Him and Calum hadn’t had a proper make out for a _while_. Okay, it had been three days, but. It was a _lot_ of time without properly getting to enjoy some quality time lip-locking with his boyfriend, and Ashton honestly missed it. This was one of his favourite pastimes as of lately, paired with actually talking with Calum. But right now he wanted kisses.

Calum had started to let out these small sounds at the back of his throat and it was driving Ashton kind of crazy. So he deepened the kiss, his hand sliding to the back of Calum’s head and tugging on his hair, Calum full on moaning at that. But. There was one thing Ashton wanted to do.

He switched them over quickly, rolling on top of Calum and swallowing his surprised intake of breath as Ashton’s grip on his hair relaxed. When he tried to break the kiss to ask, though, Calum brought him back down, demanding more kisses, sliding his lips along Ashton’s enticingly until the older gave in, relaxed right back onto the kiss.

He actually granted Calum’s wish for like, a minute, tasting the inside of his mouth, making him whine, but he had another thing in mind. If Calum let him. So he broke the kiss, for real this time, laughing breathlessly when Calum tried to get him to lie down on top of him again. The younger was flushed, his lips kiss-swollen, and the dizzying sight almost made Ashton dive back in.

“I was enjoying that.” Calum said petulantly, still trying to get Ashton to kiss him again. “Why did you stop?”

“Can I give you a hickey?” He almost tripped over his words, mentally face-palming himself at how awkward he had sounded.

“You really need to ask?” Calum snorted. “You know I love neck kisses.”

Ashton laughed along, leaning down to place a kiss to his lips, pressing hard before coming back up, smirking at Calum.

“I _know_ you do.” He snickered. “I just thought I should ask because we _are_ staying at your parents’ house. Maybe you don’t want to go around with a huge hickey on your neck.”

Calum stared at him for a couple of seconds, eyes flicking between Ashton’s, but suddenly he was raising his hands and bringing Ashton back down by his head as he leaned up a bit to crash their lips together again, hard, fast, like he couldn’t breathe without Ashton’s mouth against his. Which kind of made the older feel up for it even more. He felt Calum biting his lip, hard, and Ashton just lost it, attacking his mouth like getting Calum to enjoy this was the only thing important in the whole wide universe right now.

In the end it was Calum who broke away this time, breathing fast against Ashton’s lips, eyes staying close for a second as he distractedly carded his hand through Ashton’s curls.

“Was that a yes?” The older nuzzled his nose, catching Calum's upper lip with his teeth, dragging it away slowly.

The boy beneath him opened his eyes, nodding vehemently.

“Please.” And Ashton couldn't explain what that single word did to him. Not really. “Although. Just try for it not to be _huge_?” Calum asked, still out of breath but managing to smile cutely up at him like they weren't discussing love bites. “Like, regular, normal hickey. I don't want to walk past my mum's raised eyebrows. Not when they already think I got us this room to fuck.”

Ashton snorted, nuzzling his nose back again, pecking Calum's waiting lips before leaning back.

“Got it. Small hickey.” He stuck his tongue out to the younger, laughing when Calum groaned, embarrassed at his childishness.

But then he dived straight for his neck, and the groan turned deeper, making Ashton's blood sizzle in his veins.

***

“What should we do for supper?”

Calum turned to look at him, still red-cheeked as he admired Ashton’s work on his neck on the reflection of the mirror at their room.

“Fish and chips?” Ashton suggested, hugging him from behind, resting his chin on the younger’s shoulder as his eyes trained on the –admittedly, small– purple bruise on Calum’s neck.

“Okay.” Calum agreed, turning in his embrace and smiling really big like he had had an idea. “Wanna have it on the beach?”

“No.” Ashton would have laughed at how fast Calum’s grin turned to a pout when he shot him down, but the younger was too cute and he just couldn’t help it. “You’re getting sick, of course we’re not eating outside when it’s cold.” He let out quickly, before adding in a soft voice, “I don’t want you to get proper sick.”

Calum smiled at that, nose rubbing against Ashton’s.

“That’s really cute and thoughtful of you.” He mumbled, and Ashton’s heart started doing flip-flops around his chest. “But I swear, Ash, ten minutes are going to do _nothing_.”

The flip-flops stopped.

“Cal.”

“Okay.” The younger whined. “But you owe me a walk in the moonlight.”

He had that insane grin on his face again, and Ashton wasn’t exactly sure if he was pulling his leg or actually requesting that.

“Seriously?” He asked slowly.

“Nah, just wanted to see your face.” Calum snorted. “And also kinda just felt like asking.”

Ashton wasn’t completely opposed to it. But it was cold, and maybe just too much of a cliché for it to feel organic. Even if the both of them were probably all up for romantic gestures. He’d just archive it on his mind for another time.

The make-out session had ended almost as randomly as it had begun. Well. Not randomly. Things had started to get heated, and then Calum’s stomach rumbled out of nowhere and both of them broke out laughing. They hadn’t had the thought of it going further than just a few –albeit hot– kisses, so Calum simply rolled out from underneath him, going straight for the mirror to study his neck. And that’s where they were now.

It didn’t take much more time for them to be ready to go out, just five minutes to change into some jeans and jumpers so they wouldn’t look too unkempt. Ashton actually stopped to comb through the younger’s hair to make it look presentable, groaning when Calum just flattened it all up again by putting on his beanie. He looked cute, though, so Ashton let it slide.

They had supper in a cafe just in front of the beach, their table right next to the window. It was still filled with Christmas decorations, wreaths adorning the frames, candles on their tables. Ashton loved it.

Calum’s mood had been up since they arrived that morning at the centre, and Ashton wondered why he hadn’t gone back there for two years, when it clearly would have been a great help for him in dealing with his Nan’s passing. All the older volunteers there seemed to see him as a son, cared for him deeply, Ashton had been able to tell. They would have, no doubt, helped him through it. But then again, Ashton also understood cutting people out even when he knew they would be an incredible support and a great help to get through difficult stuff. He had done the same, not speaking with people like Otto and Charlie. So he kind of understood Calum staying away.

But now he was smiling, for real, laughing about a stupid joke Ashton had just made about soda, and the older could just stare at him adoringly from across the table, wondering how he managed to get so _lucky_.

Calum paid for their meals, insisting it was his turn after Ashton paid for breakfast, even dismissing the older’s complaints at him having already paid for their stay here. He just kissed Ashton right on the lips, in front of the cashier and used the Ashton’s stunned surprise at it to slip some bills to the girl, smiling in victory at having been faster than Ashton. So Ashton got them ice-cream in retaliation.

They were calmly walking back to the hotel, too focused on their ice-cream cones for them to actually have a conversation, but it was good. Even in silence Ashton loved the company, the way their shoulders brushed every few steps, the small smiles Calum kept shooting at him when he thought Ashton wasn’t looking. It _felt_ good.

“Cal?” He whispered, his eyes falling to his feet, his hand toying with the little ice-cream left at the bottom of the cone.

“Yeah?” Calum asked curiously, turning to look at him as he munched on the remaining of his own cone. He had literally devoured it.

Ashton stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, empty even when it wasn’t that late, fairy lights blinking from above their heads, hanging in a string between lampposts.

He offered his hand to Calum, who laced their fingers immediately even when they were sticky from the melted ice-cream. His hand was warm even in the cold.

“I’m going to be a little bit sappy right now, just a heads up.” He laughed lightly, cheeks turning red at the soft look Calum gave him. It made him feel all warmed up inside. “Although after a month I feel like you already know that I can be quite prone to this. And if you haven’t gone running yet, I guess my feelsy stuff doesn’t... turn you off?” He trailed off, and Calum just giggled, crowding in and kissing his cheek tenderly.

“It absolutely doesn’t.” He whispered, nuzzling his nose as he giggled quietly, his eyes shining as he looked into Ashton’s.

The older boy smiled, breathing deeply and trying to calm his racing heart. After all, what he wanted to say to Calum wasn’t exactly _new_ , he just felt nervous because it was the first time he was going to say it _explicitly_. Calum nuzzled his nose one more time before stepping a little away, waiting for him.

“I feel immensely lucky that I’m getting to know you.” Ashton muttered, eyes shifting for a moment to their feet before coming back up to Calum’s.

“I feel really lucky, too.” The boy whispered back, squeezing his hand. Okay, so calming his heart wasn’t going to be possible.

“I need to get a whole chunk of words out, could you, maybe, wait until I’m done? Please?” He smiled bashfully, worrying his lower lip as he waited for Calum to answer.

“I’ll try.” The younger giggled softly, his eyes never leaving Ashton’s.

He had been thinking of saying this to Calum, for a couple of days, actually. But he hadn’t found the moment, and well, right now was as good as any, wasn’t it?

“I haven’t really thanked you for coming to my flat a month ago. Not really.” He started, and he already saw Calum opening his mouth to protest before he closed it down again, remembering his promise not to interrupt from not even a minute ago. It made Ashton huff a laugh, Calum pouting at it.

“I…” Ashton shook his head, laughter slipping away, his tone growing serious. “I had only _known_ you for a day, just _one date_ , and I still felt the worst pain when I met your eyes just before I ran away. I’ll always hate that that was how our first kiss ended.” He also hated the flash of pain that brought to the back of Calum’s eyes, so he blinked away, breaking their locked gaze, and taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t in a really good place that night. Nor the next day. Or just in general.” He admitted quietly. Calum had started stroking his hand with his thumb, making Ashton want to smile at it, but he needed to get this out first. “When you came… I don’t care about the exact reason. You _came_ for me. And I can’t thank you enough for that, Cal.”

At that, Calum sneaked his arms around his middle, squeezing him, but staying quiet all the same. Ashton honestly welcomed the hug, sliding his own arms up and around Calum’s neck, his eyes searching the younger’s again. It was as if the physical contact with him was the air Ashton needed to breathe, the push he needed to say the things he still had left to say.

“It really meant the world to me, Calum.” He whispered. “You said that day you were worried you had fucked up, that you didn’t know what had gone wrong.” He let out a small chuckle at that. “But I told you. You didn’t fuck up. Nothing you did was wrong, and, on top of that, you _searched_ for me.”

At that Calum frowned, eyes darting away for a second.

“I was _really_ worried.” Calum intervened, eyes apologetic for having broken his promise this quickly. “I was worried and, I cared more about you than I ever had before about someone I knew so little.”

Ashton felt his eyes tearing up at that, didn’t even know why he was getting emotional when everything he was talking about was in the past. He was leaving it in the past. He sighed, letting his forehead rest against Calum’s, closing his eyes for a moment and holding him closer.

“I know.” He mumbled. “I could see that. I could also see how your entire demeanour changed once you took in my appearance.” He admitted, breathing deep before adding, “And the state I was in.”

Calum squeezed him closer at that.

“You mostly looked cuddly, to be honest.” Ashton heard him mutter. “But your eyes were sad.”

Ashton bit his lower lip. Yeah. Sad was one way to put it. That night… hadn’t been his brightest. He had let himself be consumed by his poorly managed grief, had gotten drunk out of his ass, cried until he had no more tears left. Sad was a very euphemistic way to sum that up. He knew Calum had taken in his tired face, his red eyes, the empty bottle of whisky. He knew _what_ the younger boy had walked into. It wasn’t his proudest moment.

“That made you worry more, I saw.” He finally exhaled. Ashton sometimes hated remembering that, because he had been so low, so ready to push Calum away even when he hadn’t wanted to, not really.

“I only worried because I felt like I needed to help you, somehow.” Calum answered him, leaning away and so he could drop a kiss on Ashton’s temple. It made Ashton open his eyes again. “You don’t deserve to be unhappy, Ash.” Calum whispered, eyes back to Ashton’s. “I’ve told you before. No one deserves it, but you less than anyone I know.”

Ashton smiled faintly at that, nuzzling into Calum’s nose before burying his face on his neck, feeling the younger tightening his hold on him.

“You’ve helped me so much, Calum.” He mumbled against his throat. “And I am so thankful for that. For the way you take care of me.” He left a kiss there, at the base of Calum’s neck before coming back up, searching for his eyes, his beautiful, warm eyes. “But the thing I am most thankful for is you letting me get to know _you._ I feel so _lucky_ that you’re letting me be here for you. I’m the luckiest person on Earth.”

Calum let out a watery chuckle at that, and just then Ashton noticed the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes, the younger blinking quickly to make them go away.

“Are you trying to make me cry?” He complained, his voice strained as his eyes fell to the floor, cheeks reddening.

“Not my intention.” Ashton laughed softly, one of his hands coming from Calum’s neck to wipe away the only tear that had fallen off.

It was the furthest from what he had intended. Calum had been in a good mood, and Ashton honestly would never want to dampen that.

“I just...” He trailed off, not knowing how to express what he intended with this heart to heart. He cupped Calum’s jaw instead, bringing their foreheads together again, slipping his eyes shut for just a minute, feeling the younger tighten the hug as a gust of wind flew by them. This. This was what he needed.

“I get it, Ash.” He whispered, his warm breath hitting Ashton’s lips and making a shiver run through his spine, his heart feeling bigger than just a moment ago.

He stayed there, clinging to Calum for a while, taking in the way his arms circled around his lower back, Calum’s evened breath coming out in puffs, looking like smoke in the cold, his eyes shining. He hadn’t even noticed the sound of the waves crashing less than forty feet away from them. It calmed him, this rhythmic, tranquil sound. Ashton hadn’t known how much he missed it until now. It almost felt like his brain had shut it down for him, and Ashton knew why.

He missed the sea, he missed taking a walk as the sun set on the beach, the warm sand slipping in between his toes. But the sea and the beach meant memories of high school, memories with Bec. And even when he was in a good path to healing that wound, it still hurt. Even when being with Calum here, dark at night, Christmas lights hanging from the lampposts, and the sounds of the ocean finally reaching his ears again helped him, immeasurably, he wasn’t all there yet.

“I still am not in a good place, sometimes.” He admitted, voice breaking a little. Calum only held him closer –if that was even possible–, and that brought him to the reason he had stopped Calum in the middle of the sidewalk in the first place. “I’m sorry you have to put up with that most of the time.”

Calum’s response was immediate, he leaned slightly away to get a good look at him, his eyes concerned.

“Ash.” He whispered, and Ashton just shook his head. “It’s not–”

“Yes, it is.” He stopped him. “It is that, Calum. But I’m working on it, okay? I’m working on it on my own.” He needed to get better on his own, needed to learn how to move on and heal and work through his issues. Calum was looking at him sadly, so he went on, “I can’t ask you to be my sole pillar, Cal. It’s not fair to you, or to _us_. I have to be able to stand on my own.”

Calum sighed, stepping a little away from him, and Ashton couldn’t help how his face fell at that. He hadn’t noticed how much he was relying on the younger boy’s hold. Another reason as to why he needed to work on himself.

But Calum leaned forward for a moment, leaving a peck on his cheek, his left hand reaching for Ashton’s on his jaw and lacing their fingers together, his right hand doing the same with Ashton’s free hand. Like that, he took another small step back, smiling softly.

“You are already standing on your own, Ash.” Ashton wanted to roll his eyes, but the gesture was too sweet. Calum was too sweet. So instead he smiled back. “You’ve been standing on your own for a whole year.” Calum added, and Ashton scrunched up his face at that.

“You know what I meant.” He muttered, his eyes trailing down to where Calum was holding his hands, stroking over them.

“I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, though.” The younger pressed, coming back closer to Ashton, making him look up again. “Even if you hadn’t shared that part of your life with anyone until recently, Ash, you were already healing. On your own.”

That wasn’t exactly true, but it wasn’t untrue either. He had been slowly accepting the loss of Bec over time, had come to terms with it. Thing was, he had just never given himself the time to feel everything he needed to feel. Hadn’t given himself the opportunity to face the frustration and irrational anger that her sudden death had woken up in him after the shock wore away. Or how that had dissolved into longing and sadness as the months passed.

“And everyone grieves differently. You can’t control how fast you can deal with it, Ash.”

Calum squeezed his hands, Ashton blinking and looking away, trying not to start crying again. It seemed like that was the only thing he did when he tried to speak about their relationship. And that in itself said a lot about how much stuff he needed to work on.

“But, you can and _should_ lean on me for help. I’m happy to be here.” Calum finished, his voice quieting down as he finished the sentence.

Ashton felt his lips stretch into a tight smile at that, bordering sad.

“But that’s not your job, Cal.” He sighed. “You shouldn’t have to fix me up every time I’m feeling down. I need to learn to do it on my own.”

“I wasn’t proposing that, Ash.” The younger boy hurried to answer. “I’m just saying that I want to be there for you to lean on _while_ you work on yourself.” He explained, adding hesitantly, “If… you want me to.”

Ashton squeezed his hands, a lump forming in his throat at Calum.

“Of course I want you to.” He let out in a breath, his eyes finding Calum’s again, real smile on his lips this time.

“Okay, then it’s settled.” The younger stated, breaking into giggles after it, making Ashton shake his head at him.

He tugged on Calum’s hands, bringing him closer and engulfing him in a hug again, holding him as close as possible. Calum kept giggling, his laughter near Ashton’s ears as he hugged back. That was one of the most beautiful sounds the older had ever heard. Calum’s laughter when it was free. And knowing it was just because Ashton had said yes to letting him be there for him, made feelings Ashton didn’t want to name just yet start floating around his chest. It made him want to laugh, too. But he just smiled, his eyes tearing up at having being so lucky to find someone like Calum.

They stayed there for a while, hugging each other, Calum’s giggles quieting down until all that Ashton heard was the sound of the waves coming and going on the shore. The moon was now high in the sky, and he shook his head at the notion that even when Calum hadn’t suggested it again, he was going to get that walk in the moonlight.

“You totally tricked me for that walk under the moonlight, didn’t you?” He laughed near Calum’s ear, making the younger unhook his chin from his shoulder to look at him incredulously.

“I didn’t make you talk for _ages_. You decided to stop here.” He complained, which made Ashton laugh harder. “But I’m kinda happy you did. Talking was good.”

“Talking _was_ good.” Ashton agreed, serene smile on his face. “It’s a cold night, and we really should be hurrying back, but since the way to the inn is just following along the beach, do you want to walk on the sand the rest of the way?”

Calum nodded bashfully, sweet smile on his face before leaning forward and catching his mouth in a kiss, his lips gently brushing over Ashton’s. He was doing it so lightly, so… tenderly. Ashton felt his knees buckling under him, having to lean on Calum as the younger kept stealing his breath away with just a swipe of his lips.

When he broke the kiss Ashton followed him, his lips searching for his in a daze. He hadn’t even noticed he was doing it, only realising when Calum’s mouth stretched into a smile against his. This time it was Ashton who leaned away, breathless and still unsteady, sure he was about as red-cheeked as he could possibly be. But his heart was soaring underneath his ribs, and Calum was looking at him with those soft eyes, and Ashton didn’t really care.

Despite offering the walk on the sand, Calum chose to take the sidewalk, and actually hurried a little as soon as the inn came into view. Ashton had noticed he had started shivering, so he just followed along. The wind coming from the sea wasn’t exactly warm, and he was looking forward to getting to the room too, looking forward to cosying up in front of the fireplace with Calum in his arms.

“Let’s get inside before you really do catch a cold.” He whispered, leading Calum towards the main entrance as they crossed the street. And then Calum sneezed as if on cue.

“I think it’s too late for that.” The younger said under his breath, and Ashton furrowed his brow. “I feel ill.”

Ashton raised his hand to check Calum’s temperature, but it didn’t seem to be higher than normal.

“Let’s get you warmed up.”

Warmed up meant kind of forcing him to take a hot shower, Calum only giving in when he got Ashton to step into it with him. After that, Ashton searched for his pyjamas, helping Calum into his fuzzy socks and wrapping him up in a blanket in front of the fireplace.

“I feel like a burrito.” Calum mumbled, his face barely coming out from the thick blanket. His cheeks were flushed, and Ashton worried he would have to take the blanket away if he had a fever. “Quit looking at me like that. I don’t have a fever. I think.” He scrunched up his face, bringing one hand up from beneath the throw and checking his forehead. “Nah. It’s cool.”

Ashton snorted from where he was trying to close the curtains so tomorrow’s sun wouldn’t wake them up too early.

“Come sit with me.” Calum requested, and, really, who was Ashton to deny him.

He crossed the distance until he fell behind Calum, encasing him with his legs and arms and hooking his chin over what he thought was Calum’s shoulder under the blanket. It had to be.

This felt extremely nice. Calum had sat strategically next to one of the armchairs, and Ashton thanked his foresight as he rested his back against its front, Calum relaxing against him in turn.

“This feels nice.” He whispered, echoing Ashton’s thoughts.

The older heard him fumbling with the blankets again as Calum tried to get his right hand out to hold his.

“That’s better.” He hummed, lacing their fingers together, and Ashton laid a kiss on his hair, right next to his ear, smiling when Calum’s hum turned to almost purring.

“Thanks for this, again.” Ashton mumbled, happy. They could have had this at Calum’s house, but… Somehow, he felt it wouldn’t have been the same.

“I’m glad you liked the surprise.” The younger sighed and then let out a giggle. “Well, surprises.”

Ashton giggled along, breathing in deep and just… Letting himself relax. It was quiet at the inn, Ashton didn’t know if it just wasn’t full because of the holidays, or it was just that the guests had gone to sleep early. Anyway, the only sounds was the crackling of the firewood and Calum’s slightly uneven breathing. He felt content.

“A month ago you said we could go slow, remember that?” Ashton mused, eyes trained on Calum’s hand caressing his own. It seemed funny to him, how they thought they could choose the speed on their relationship. Like all these feelings between them could somehow have been capped, contained. “Look at us now. I met your family even before we made one-month.” He chuckled quietly.

But Calum got tense underneath the blanket, squirming in his embrace so he could face him.

“I…” He started, his eyes worried. And that made Ashton worry in turn. “I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t–”

“I wasn‘t complaining, Cal.” He brought his hand up, caressing some curls away and cupping his jaw, soft laughter escaping his lips. “I’m happy where we’re at. And you can never really choose how fast or slow to go, can you?” He smiled, leaning forward to steal a kiss, laughter slipping out of him a little when Calum just seemed too stunned to reciprocate.

The younger was eyeing him warily now, his brow furrowed. Ashton stroked his cheek with his thumb, but Calum’s expression remained the same. Now he was actually starting to worry.

“I feel like I pushed most of that, though.” Calum finally said. “I promised to you we would go slow.”

He closed his eyes, robbing Ashton of a way to read him, to know what was going on.

“Calum. Hey.” He tried gently, his hand turning Calum’s face back to him. “You didn’t _push_ anything. I wanted _all of it_ , okay?” Calum still looked unconvinced, and Ashton cursed himself for having brought this up. Especially when they had been so content, both of them relaxing in front of the fire. But he was already here, so he needed to articulate himself so Calum would _understand._ “Even if most steps we took scared me shitless, it didn’t mean I didn’t want them. You want to know why?” Calum blinked once, twice, before he gave a small nod. “Because the thing that was scaring me the most was just how much _I wanted_ all those everythings with _you_ , Calum. I was scared of my own feelings, not of not wanting to be with you through all of it.”

Calum's eyes kept shifting between his, his mouth hanging open as if he didn't know exactly how to answer him.

“I…” The younger hesitated, breaking his gaze away from Ashton's, looking down, his hair falling and hiding his face from Ashton's view. “I’m scared sometimes of my feelings for you, too. They're new. Big.” He admitted in a low voice. He was searching for Ashton's hand again, grabbing it and lacing their fingers, squeezing on them. And then he was looking up again, cheeks a beautiful pink in firelight. “Can we be scared about them together?” He suggested quietly, and Ashton hadn't noticed how fast his heart was beating until Calum said that sentence.

“Yeah. We can be scared together.” He giggled softly, smiling when Calum leaned in for a kiss, just a little press of his lips against Ashton's, sighing through it, before gifting him with one of those small smiles Ashton loved so much. He felt his own lips mirroring it, the warmth from Calum's eyes washing over him, making him feel happy and safe and suddenly, not so _scared._

***

There was a phone ringing.

There was a phone ringing somewhere, bringing him out of a very nice dream, making him groan as he opened his eyes. He couldn’t even gush over how happy he felt at waking up to Calum’s face, the younger boy secured in his arms.

He stretched his hand towards the bedside table, trying to get the phone even when he couldn’t calculate the distance perfectly without his glasses. Calum groaned and slipped away from his arms as the phone kept ringing.

“Hello?” He said as he finally managed to get it, his voice cracking from sleep.

“Good morning, sir.” Said a young man on the other end. _Good morning to him, apparently. Ashton had just been woken up, against his will._ “We’re just checking if you were up for the breakfast.” _Well, now we are._ “It was ordered to be served at 10?”

“The what?” He blurted out, rubbing his face. God, he needed coffee.

“Room service?” The guy hesitated over the line. “It says here there’s a request for breakfast for the room.”

Ashton blinked a couple of times, the words slowly sipping in. They hadn’t ordered any breakfast that he knew, nor had they put in a request. At least he thought they hadn’t?

“Under who’s name is it?” He asked, trying to keep the yawn coming up his throat in and failing.

“Oh, um. Let me check. One second, sir.”

Ashton’s eyes fell to Calum, snoring softly on the bed. He reached a hand almost unconsciously, combing through his curls, smiling at him when Calum leaned into it as Ashton waited for the guy on the other end to say anything. He didn’t have to wait much.

“Ms Hood requested it for you.”

 _Miss Hood?_ Oh. Mali-Koa. It had to be Mali.

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, we’re up.” He said promptly to the man, then he remembered he had to actually say thank you and not stay there breathing down the line like he wasn’t entirely awake –which was kind of what was happening but–. “Thank you.”

“It will be up in about 5 minutes, sir.”

And the line disconnected.

Ashton put the phone down again, groaning as he let himself fall again against the bed, the sheets cold now where they had parted as he sat up. So he slid over until he was completely flushed with Calum’s back, seeking the body heat he naturally exuded. Calum didn’t say anything out loud, but Ashton knew he was awake because his breathing toned down from soft snoring to just loud breathing.

“Your sister ordered us breakfast.” He whispered, leaving a kiss on Calum’s nape. His left hand begun to caress up and down the younger’s stomach over his tee, but Calum only stirred a little.

“What?” He slurred.

Ashton couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him then. Calum in the mornings had to be one of his favourite things ever. He looked so calm, so soft. It made Ashton _feel_ soft.

“Breakfast. Room service.” He repeated, moving his kiss this time to just under Calum’s ear, smiling when the younger opened up his left eye a bit to peer at him.

“Nghm.”

Ashton didn’t really understood what he meant by that, but Calum closed his eyes again and rolled over on his spot, burying his head on Ashton’s neck and sighing contentedly, his hands bunching up the older’s sleeping tee. Ashton found it extremely cute.

“Come on, it was a nice thing.” He prodded anyway, laughing softly and nuzzling the side of Calum’s hair, pressing a kiss to his curls. The younger smiled at the action, but kept his eyes closed.

“They’re going to be knocking at the door any minute now. Aren’t you hungry?”

This time there was no answer at all. Calum kept his breathing steady and Ashton was sure he was trying to fall back asleep.

“We need to get up, your sister gifted us _breakfast_.” He insisted, laughing again when Calum did nothing but open his eyes just a crack and surveying him. He waited semi-patiently for the younger to say anything, but he was just staring at his eyes, sleepy smile stretching his lips. Ashton smiled back, nuzzling his nose before pulling away, studying his eyes.

“You’re pretty.” Calum mumbled, blinking really slowly as his sleepy smile got bigger.

Ashton felt himself growing red, shaking his head at the boy, but he was way too cute, and the next words just flew out of his mouth without his brain getting the memo.

“You’re pretty too.”

Calum’s smile widened at that, his eyes slipping close as he puckered up his lips, waiting for Ashton to claim them, which he did, rolling his eyes at Calum’s antics but succumbing to them, anyway.

And then there was a knock on the door, Calum actually pouting at it, making Ashton giggle against his lips before he started sitting up, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table. Calum had rolled away again, this time star-fishing in the centre of the bed, his eyes closed and the pout still present.

“I love her for this, but it’s _early_.” He mumbled, his voice a tad too raspy for it to just be his morning voice.

“It’s 10 o’clock, babe.” Ashton shot back over his shoulder on his way to the door, Calum groaning.

“Well, we stayed up talking until like, four in the morning. I wanted to cuddle with you at least until Mali came to kick us out.” The younger complained.

Ashton just shook his head as he opened the door, the guy he had talked to before greeting him again before passing him a small cart.

“I’ll take it from here, thanks.” He said to the man before closing the door and rolling the cart towards the centre of the room. “Cal?”

“Yeah?” The younger rolled on the bed yet again, propping himself up on his elbow as his eyes finally opened completely.

“Breakfast on bed or by the fireplace?”

The fire had died down even before they went to bed, but there was a small table next to the armchairs, and it would perhaps be a safer option.

“As much as I’d love on the bed, I know I’d end up spilling something on the sheets. I don’t want Mali to get mad at me.”

“Armchairs it is, then.” Ashton laughed.

There was the smell of coffee hitting his nostrils, and even before he looked at what they had to eat, he served himself a cup, warming up his hands as he inhaled it. He was aware he had to look like a proper caffeine addict right now.

Ashton was just taking his first sip when he heard Calum rolling out of bed and literally falling face first to the floor. He tried to suppress his laughter, but the black haired boy still heard him, shooting him a glare.

“I feel like you’ve gotten increasingly clumsier since I’ve known you.” Ashton finally muttered, hiding his amusement behind the mug. Calum grew incredibly red at that, scrambling to his feet and rubbing his chin.

“I, um.” He mumbled, eyes trained on the floor as he padded towards Ashton. “Sometimes, when I’m with you, I’m kind of distracted? And that’s kind of the reason I trip a lot. Because I’m not paying attention.”

Ashton stared at him, eyes wide and smile growing on his face.

“Shut up. That’s so _cute._ ”

Calum blushed even more at his gushing, knocking him playfully on the shoulder, heading straight for the food tray.

“No, it’s not. It’s totally pathetic.” He murmured as he examined the plates with what looked like English breakfast but with a few things Ashton wasn’t accustomed to.

“Nah-huh. It’s cute.”

“Of course _you_ think it’s cute. It’s me basically swooning over you.” The younger snorted, getting one of the dishes and carrying it with him to the table, taking a seat as he stared at Ashton. “Aren’t you going to eat? Or do you just need coffee?”

Ashton stuck out his tongue at him, leaving his mug on the table next to Calum’s plate and grabbing one for his own.

Since they were both still kind of asleep, breakfast was relatively quiet, only mumbling about the food and such until they were both finished and Calum had had his tea, claiming Ashton’s lap as his seat now, instead of staying at his armchair.

“You’re just comfier.” He mumbled, sighing contentedly as he burying his nose in Ashton’s neck, breathing slowly.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Ashton knew he indeed had a cold, and the raspiness hadn’t really gone away even after a while of talking. He kind of felt bad now that they had stayed up so late when what Calum had needed was rest.

“Like a truck run me over.” The younger scrunched up his face. “But maybe I’m just tired.”

“Does your throat hurt?”

“Itches.”

Ashton frowned, reaching for the blanket they had discarded last night and draping it over them both, Calum smiling gratefully at him before settling on his chest, his legs curled up on Ashton’s lap. Sometimes Ashton wondered how someone as tall as Calum could fold himself so tiny.

He started stroking the part of Calum’s back he could reach, enjoying the calmness of the morning. His eyes had shifted away a couple of times to the view of the bay from their room. Maybe they could take a stroll later. Although even if he bundled Calum up so he wouldn’t be cold, maybe a stroll wasn’t exactly what he needed.

He needed rest, because Ashton knew how big the pile of assignments waiting for him at home was, just sitting on his desk waiting to be completed. And the last three days he hadn’t truly taken any time to open any books. Although Ashton was sure he would today as soon as they got back. Calum wasn’t usually one to procrastinate assignments. At least not the one he knew. Maybe it was a way of fighting against the anxiousness he felt, a way of knowing he would have more time to complete it in case he came across something he didn’t know how to solve. At least that was the explanation Ashton found more plausible.

He began thinking to all those times before when Calum had seemed somehow extra nervous, while he was studying, times they were out in crowded spaces, and now it all made sense. Although the younger was doing a pretty good job working on it, because the nervousness never amounted to something bigger. At least that Ashton knew.

And then he remembered their conversation the other night, when Calum was talking about the stars and how he sometimes felt restless –Ashton should have really noticed then–, and how he envied some people who never even looked up at the sky. Learning what he did about Calum yesterday, it was all starting to make sense. Or at least that was what Ashton thought. He needed confirmation though.

“Is…” He started, not really knowing how to breach the subject, so he just went right in. “Did that thing you said the other day about… envying people who didn’t even look up at the sky because their day to day felt bigger for them had anything to do with the people you’ve helped? You know, volunteering.” He let out in one breath, holding his next as Calum took it all in, his hand stopping where it had been drawing random patterns in the skin Ashton’s sleep tee left uncovered.

“Um.” Calum straightened up a bit, his eyes looking searching for the older’s. “Yeah.” He nodded, quietly. “Kinda. I met so many people from so many walks of life there. Sometimes my problems felt like nothing compared to theirs.” Calum admitted, biting the inside of his cheek. "I envied them, sometimes, in the most innocent of senses. Like. Most of them were living through stuff I would surely be crushed if I ever went through, and they did it all with a smile.” Calum frowned slightly. “They were an inspiration, really.”

Ashton hummed, but he still hadn’t gotten the answer he had been expecting.

“I’m glad you feel like that, but Cal, you had stuff of your own. I’m saying this to you even if I’ve already said it before. You don’t have to dismiss all your problems because some have it worse. Okay?”

“I didn’t dismiss them.” Calum laughed lightly, and Ashton felt himself frowning. “The mild anxiety I felt when not knowing how to handle not _knowing_ something at school, or, in general. It just… kind of faded away, turned into nothing.” He was smiling as he finished, Ashton’s frown deepening.

“How? How does that simply _fade away_?”

“Because I realised I couldn’t get hung up on something when I still didn’t have the tools to solve it.” Calum said resolutely, smile still lightening up his face. “But I _could_ help these people. It seemed more important.”

Ashton blinked slowly, taking in Calum’s words as the younger simply laughed at his face, covering his mouth. Ashton knew he was gaping, but that reasoning, it was just…

“That’s… Surprisingly mature.” He admitted slowly, his frown dissolving quickly.

“Hey!”

“It was a compliment.” Ashton giggled, and Calum just smiled back, shaking his head. “Is that when you started showing up more? Helping the kids out with homework?”

“How do you know about that?” It was Calum’s time to frown, his eyes squinted at Ashton, trying to get the answer it of him. Although it wasn’t that difficult.

“Samuel told me about you helping his daughter.” He admitted and marvelled at Calum’s frown crumbling and turning into a small but brilliant smile.

“Oh. Yeah. That kid’s going places. She’s super smart.” He chuckled quietly, almost introspectively, and Ashton’s smile widened.

“Which also reminds me…” He trailed off. He was sure that kid on the picture was Samuel’s daughter, but, there was another detail he needed to discuss. “You had highlights? _After secondary school_? Quite a statement.”

Calum’s cheeks flushed quicker than Ashton had ever seen before, his eyes looking everywhere but Ashton, and the older just laughed.

“Don’t mistake me, I mean, they looked _good_. You looked hot.” He continued, relishing Calum turning even a darker shade of pink. “I just didn’t imagine you’d be one to dye your hair.”

Calum laughed at that.

“Well, that’s because I _wasn’t_. But Mike was home for the holidays and we were sort of bored.” He explained.

Ashton’s started grinning at him, his brain only registering the first part. Calum said he _wasn’t_. Did that mean he wanted now?

“Yes, I liked it, Ash. Yes, I may, in the future, want to dye my hair.” Calum answered his grin, laughter sipping into his voice as he shook his head at Ashton’s crazy-person face.

“You’re going to look so good, babe.” Ashton smiled up at him, his eyes turning just a tad soft.

“I said in the future.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll make sure I’m there to see it.” Ashton whispered, leaning forward and catching his mouth in a kiss, taking Calum completely by surprise, if the little gasp he let out was anything to go by.

They spent the rest of the morning until they had to leave the room there, trading kisses and caresses, time flowing past much quicker than Ashton would have liked.

Soon enough they were back on the street in front of the inn, Ashton throwing the overnight bag into the boot, and looking over the roof of the car to where Calum had wandered off, staring into the sea. He was bundled up like that Michelin tyres guy, Ashton having forced him into an extra layer of clothes. Wind was messing up his hair, making it stand at all odd angles, but he still took Ashton’s breath away.

He closed the boot quickly and crossed over to where Calum was, hugging him from behind and squeezing hard, standing a bit on his tiptoes so he could reach Calum’s cheek to drop a kiss there.

“I want to come back here in the summer.” Calum whispered, his hands wrapping over Ashton’s on his stomach.

“We can do it.” He whispered back.

Calum hadn’t specified he meant coming back here together, but by the way his lips stretched into a smile as Ashton answered, the older knew he hadn’t guessed wrong.

The view was stunning. It wasn’t completely open ocean like Ashton was used to back at home. There was land on the background of the horizon, but the air smelled sea-like, the breeze reminding him of home. Calum was starting to feel like it, too.

The younger boy had started shivering though, his teeth chattering mildly, and Ashton tsked.

“Okay. I’m getting you home.” He said, breaking the hug and taking Calum’s hand, leading them back across the street. “Come on, get in the car, it’s cold.” He added as he opened the door for the younger.

Calum smiled mischievously at him, giving him a peck before getting into the car and looking up at him, waiting for Ashton to actually close the door and get in himself. Which he did. After he shook himself out of whatever trance he had gone into after that kiss and the look that had followed.

He was just putting the keys on the ignition when Calum spoke up again, Ashton feeling his eyes boring into his skull.

“I like you when you take charge of taking care of me.” The younger admitted, voice somehow flirty.

“What?” Ashton blurted out, turning to look at him before getting out of the parking for real.

“It’s sexy.” Calum’s grin just made him start to feel his cheeks burning, a frown making his way to his forehead.

“I’m literally just saying I should get you to a warm place, how is _that_ sexy?”

“You're telling me what to do.”

Ashton's eyes widened like saucers. He even choked on his own spit, starting to cough as his face turned ten shades darker. Calum was looking at him with a mildly annoyed expression, but his eyes were still screaming amused.

“See, if you start blushing and sputtering it takes the fun out of it.” He said with a smirk, and Ashton could do nothing but groan out loud, rubbing his face as he tore his eyes away from the younger.

“Shut up. Buckle your seatbelt.”

“Yes, sir.”

Ashton choked again. On air.

“I hate you.”

“No, you don't.”

He ignored Calum for a moment, turning on the ignition and taking them out of the car park. Finally.

“No, I don't.” He admitted under his breath, rolling his eyes when he saw Calum's smirk out of the corner of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised halfway through the fic that the chapters started to feel more like episodes from some kind of tv series than chapters in a book. And this is all to say that, don't worry, this chapter wasn't the last before an epilogue. Next chapter is going to be loooong (I estimate) and some people make a reappearance!  
> Hope you guys enjoyed this! Let me know! Love ya all xx 💙💙


	13. Winter Wonderland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken this long. Also I had a giant author's note prepared but I think I'll just post that in tumblr, because I don't think you guys would want to read it when I've already made you wait so much for this chapter 😅  
> Just a warning, last time I didn't say it and I should have, so, there's boys touching boys in this. If it's not your cup of tea, when you see things getting heated you can scroll down till the next ***.  
> Without any further ado because I know I've made you wait a lot, here's the last chapter!

The week had been a blur. Calum got gradually worse after they came back from the coast, fever rising until he was barely able to focus enough to actually go through his assignments. Ashton had made him stay in bed whenever possible after that, perhaps babying him a tad too much, but Calum seemed to somehow enjoy it. Even if he was a little shit winking at Ashton and giggling whenever the older made him do something as simple and _necessary_ as taking his pills.

The only thing Ashton hadn’t thought about –quite stupidly– was that having been kissing Calum and basically living in each other’s space meant _he_ got sick too. Not as bad as the boy, though, thank god. Calum had near lost his voice by the second day in, Ashton had just had a mildly sore throat and some sneezes.

That had meant, however, three days in bed under the blankets, Ashton helping Calum out when the younger’s fever went down enough that he could muddle through his notes, trying to solve problems and stuff Ashton had read aloud to him without even understanding a bit of it. It was quiet and kind of uneventful, but Ashton wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Even if Calum had banned kissing altogether. He had argued that having his nose blocked and making out weren’t exactly compatible. Ashton had agreed, but he still missed those. Being deprived of Calum’s kisses made him sad.

Mali-Koa had joined them after work every day, trudging up the stairs to Calum’s room with her laptop. Sometimes she just set up Netflix for the three of them. Sometimes she just crashed at the foot of her brother’s bed doing her own thing while Calum tried to study and Ashton read random books he picked up from the piles on the floor or called home on his laptop. One night, Mali had offered to paint their nails for them and all three of them had ended up rolling with laughter. Calum had sneezed and involuntarily tipped over the bottle of nail polish with his foot. Thankfully Mali had foreseen something like that happening and had left it inside a plastic case so it wouldn’t fuck up the duvet. Small mercies.

It had been nice. Hanging out with them both had been _easy_. The sort of easy you had with people you had known for a while and you could just share the space with while each doing their own thing. Ashton had never felt anything like it, with maybe the exception of that dinner a couple of weeks ago when they hang out with Luke and Michael. Even with Bec and Otto, it had taken Ashton some time to reach that level of easiness.

He had never been one to make friends quickly –except for the very persistent Luke and, of course, _Calum_ –, and it struck him as odd that, even when he hadn’t even spent that much time with them yet, in his mind he already considered Michael and Mali as friends. And it wasn’t just because they were incredibly important in Calum’s life. Ashton had connected with them on levels that had nothing to do with that. With Michael on the days he had run into the blue-haired boy at Calum’s place, talking about shows they loved, geeking about old video games and with Mali during the last three or four days, talking about music and life in general. Ashton felt lucky when he thought he could get to know them too, could get to expand his –admittedly– short list of friends on this side of the world, and could add incredible people to that list.

Two days ago, while Calum dozed on and off full of meds, he and Mali-Koa had marathoned Doctor Who preparing for the New Year’s special. After a while, though, they had needed a break, so Mali had gotten up, crawling to the other side of them room and taking out of its case the old guitar Ashton had noticed propped against the desk his first day here. She and Ashton had started an impromptu rendition of their favourite artists, which, Ashton had found, were pretty much the same ones. Calum had eyed them sadly from his place curled against his headboard, Ashton’s new throw wrapped snug around him, his lips sticking out in a pout. ‘ _I hate being sick, I can’t sing_ ’, he had croaked out. Ashton had shared his sentiment even when he felt guilty that his throat hadn’t gotten to that point and he could still sing.

By the end of the week, though, Calum had sprung out of bed declaring he was bored with being confined there, and his parents had just regarded him with slightly amused smiles as they handed him a vacuum cleaner and some products and sent them both on their way to clean upstairs.

The cleaning madness had started the day before, Ashton offering to help after breakfast, but both David and Joy had ushered him off, sent him on his way back up to Calum’s room with two cups of tea with honey and a plate with cookies to share with their son. They had insisted he needed rest too, making Ashton feel kind of coddled, but in a good way, if that even existed. They had made him feel taken care of. It was a nice feeling.

Calum and he had spent that whole Sunday morning cleaning upstairs. They had only stopped to go out for lunch –Calum had insisted– before coming back to finish helping his parents with what was left of the cleaning. Ashton had been exhausted by the end of the day, crawling tiredly to bed and falling asleep to the sound of Calum’s steady heartbeat under his cheek.

When he opened his eyes, slightly jostled awake by the front door closing three stories below –probably Calum’s parents leaving for work–, Calum was still asleep, breathing loudly through his blocked nose but otherwise calm. Ashton was still cuddled up to his side even after the boy had rolled over in his sleep –Ashton guessed trying to find a better position where he could breathe–. His back was flushed to Ashton’s front, his left hand trapping the older’s where it curled around his stomach, his fingers tightly woven with his.

Ashton had half a mind to fall asleep again. Calum was so warm and soft, face completely relaxed, a lazy smile curving his lips that made Ashton wonder what he was dreaming about. The younger looked beautiful. And Ashton wouldn’t pass up the chance to look at him as he slept, even if he came across as a giant creep.

He didn’t really know how much time it passed with him looking down at Calum, pressing soft kisses on his hair when the fondness in his heart got too big to handle, Calum cutely burrowing back into him. It made Ashton feel extremely warm.

Ashton wasn’t stupid; he knew what those feelings swimming in his chest were. He knew what they meant, knew they were just the start, the tip of the iceberg, just the roots for something much bigger to grow. And as he had told the younger, these feelings scared him sometimes, but… Knowing Calum felt the same way about him, it made everything infinitely less scary. Ashton wasn’t alone in this. He hadn’t been alone in it for even a single second, not since they met. He was lucky Calum reciprocated his feelings. Extremely.

Sunlight had started to brighten everything up in the room when Calum stirred in his arms, his breathing coming a little more laboured and his eyes fluttering open slowly. Ashton pressed a kiss against his shoulder, his left hand squeezing the boy’s, who squeezed right back, inhaling deep before closing his eyes again, pressing his back against Ashton’s chest and just… staying there.

They didn’t say much. Ashton was content just lying there, having Calum in his arm, tightening the hold on him, his mouth finding residence on the side of Calum’s neck. He nuzzled his nose against his nape, getting Calum to smile. The younger’s lips lazily stretched out, upper lip coming up slightly to let out just a hint of his teeth when Ashton peered over his shoulder before burying his nose back again on the back of his neck, inhaling deep.

The house was quiet, light filtering through the window above their heads. Calum had forgotten to put on the blind last night after he finished taking pictures with his telescope and little specks of dust floated around like shiny dots in the rays of sunlight. It made Ashton wonder if all their hard work yesterday had been for nothing.

But it made a pretty sight, the way the dust moved slowly around them, how the rays fell on top of the duvet, making the dark blue shine and the stars on it shine even brighter. One of the beams hit Calum directly, his hair catching the sunlight and reflecting it in a way that left Ashton breathless. He found Calum more gorgeous each passing day, his breath falling short at the sight of the younger boy whenever Ashton actually stopped and processed Calum was real. His face was glowing now under the sun, his brown skin reflecting the sunlight shining golden, making something molten run through Ashton’s arteries directly from his heart. Or maybe that was just the effect of Calum’s blinding smile making Ashton see stars, he could never be sure. He would have loved to get a glimpse of his eyes now, but Calum was keeping them closed as he breathed calmly.

“Morning, Cal.” Ashton finally breathed out, Calum’s smile widening as he turned on his spot to face Ashton, eyes still closed.

“Morning.”

The younger boy placed the hand that he had freed from beneath Ashton’s on the older’s chest now, right over his heart. It frankly made Ashton’s heartbeat double its pace, that something molten simmering in his veins at seeing Calum’s smile from up close. He couldn’t help but lean in –morning breath be damned–, claiming the younger’s lips in a slow kiss that only fuelled the warmth spreading through his whole body as he slipped his eyes shut. Calum had finally lifted the ban on kissing last night and Ashton wasn’t just about to pass on that.

The younger hadn’t shaved since they got here, and even when he couldn’t really grow a full beard, Ashton still went nuts for his stubble. He just looked extra hot to him. The feeling of it on his face as he kissed him made Ashton deepen the kiss a bit, eager. Calum responded sleepily, lips moving gently against Ashton’s, his breath coming shortly. And even when Ashton wanted more of this, much more, he broke the kiss, taking mercy on Calum and letting him breath.

“How are you feeling?” He whispered, his left hand coming up from its hold on Calum’s waist to brush away some curls from his face, stopping suddenly when Calum finally opened his eyes.

“My throat’s better.” He answered, his voice still very much hoarse, which made Ashton giggle. “It’s just my morning voice.” Calum continued, cutely scrunching up his nose. “It doesn’t hurt or itch anymore.”

Ashton let out another short giggle before leaning forward and pecking the younger’s nose.

“I’m glad it’s better, then. And the rest?” He asked, his hand turning so he could feel Calum’s temperature.

“I feel fine. Still have half my nose blocked. But I can breathe mostly fine.” Calum assured him, and Ashton smiled back once again.

Calum was looking at him softly through his lashes as Ashton resumed stroking his hair. He still had that smile pulling at his lips, and Ashton’s heart felt bigger than ever inside his chest. He was aware they should have at least gotten up and shuffled downstairs, they should have had breakfast. Or even just traded the bed for the couch. But he was just too cosy here, still sleepy, body moulding down to the bed and basking in Calum’s warmth as he kept combing through the younger’s hair. Leaving this bed was the last thing he wanted right now, to hell with all those “ _should have_ ”s.

This time it was Calum who leaned forward, pecking him sweetly, slowly, sleepily. Ashton would be perfectly happy to just stay here like this for the rest of the morning. For the rest of eternity.

“I’m happy you came home with me.” The younger mumbled between kisses, lazily moving his arm up and down Ashton’s back.

“You already said that the other day.” Ashton giggled against his mouth next time Calum let him breath.

“I know I said it already.” Calum finally answered softly, his tone fond. “It just hit me, though.” He sighed, his nose rubbing against Ashton’s as he opened his eyes. “I’m starting the year with you. That makes me _happy_.” He finished in a soft voice.

Ashton’s heart was jumping around in his chest, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes when he looked into Calum’s, his hand reaching up to cradle the boy’s face.

“It makes me really happy too.” He whispered back, warmth spreading even more through his chest when that made Calum’s smile widen.

They stayed there trading sweet kisses for a while, sunlight becoming more prominent as time passed, both of them too blissed-out to even think of food. Until Calum’s stomach grumbled, of course.

Ashton leaned back, hand coming up to stifle his laugh as Calum grew red as a tomato.

“Come on, babe, it’s not the first time your stomach complains when we’re in the middle of kissing.” Ashton teased, delighted when that made Calum blush even harder.

“Leave me alone.” He groaned, trying to roll away from Ashton’s embrace, but the older held him tightly, still laughing as he tried to tickle Calum. However, the boy saw it coming, forcefully grabbing his hands and pinning them as far as possible from his belly before straddling Ashton surprisingly quickly. He effectively cut his laugh short.

“Ha! You can’t tickle me now.” Calum stuck out his tongue at him, giggling now on top of Ashton, who didn’t even try to get away from under him, paralysed as he felt. He was really trying for his mind not to go there, but having Calum straddling him, holding his wrists and staring him down was doing things to him. The younger could have a preference or whatever for being told what to do –Ashton hadn’t breached the subject yet, although he was quite _curious_ – but right now, keeping him down, Calum looked _hot_. The boy may have a thing for Ashton ordering him around, but Ashton right now was having a _major thing_ for Calum manhandling him.

It wasn’t the first time he had thought about it, though. Calum had pinned him to walls a handful of times after that day when he left the hickey and Ashton’s blood had always heated up at it. It was just _hot_ watching Calum take control, use his height to tower over him as he made the older’s legs turn to jelly.

Before any more blood had the time to rush south, Ashton nodded towards where Calum was literally sitting over his half-hard dick. Calum’s eyes travelled downwards and Ashton could see the exact moment realisation dawned on him, his eyes widening. The younger quickly got off of him and laid back down on his back, hiding his face on the crook of his elbow.

“Sorry?” He offered, voice muffled against his sleeve, and Ashton knew without even looking that he was biting his lower lip.

“Why are you apologising?” Ashton snorted, rolling on his side and propping himself on his elbow, eyes falling down to Calum’s hidden face.

“I don’t know. Getting you hard?” Calum laughed against his arm, making Ashton snort even harder.

“If my boyfriend didn’t get me hard we would have a problem, don’t you think?” He chuckled, trying to pry Calum’s arm away from his eyes.

“You’re difficult this morning.” Calum huffed, stifling his laughter behind his elbow. “You know what I meant, you ass.” It sounded way more like resignation than a real complaint, and Ashton’s giggles couldn’t seem to stop.

“Stop hiding, let me see your face.” He whined, tugging on Calum’s arm until he finally got to move it away from his face, revealing just how flushed his cheeks were. It made Ashton want to laugh more, but something in the way the younger boy looked up at him stopped him. “That’s better.” He whispered, using the same hand to brush away some of Calum’s curls, his eyes growing soft as a small smile settled on Calum’s lips in between his bouts of laughter. “Why were you really apologising?” Ashton asked softly, slight concern making its way to his eyes.

“It just wasn’t my intention, I didn’t want to make things… sexual.” Calum said, all laughter completely gone from his face, which had taken a turn to serious real quick. “I was just goofing off, trying to stop you from tickling me, Ash.” Calum scrunched up his nose, his eyes still apologetic in the sunlight.

“You’re not the one who made it sexual, Cal.” Ashton couldn’t help but snort again. “It was me who popped up a boner just because you straddled me and held me down.” He finished, his laugh coming out a little more embarrassed than amused now.

Calum rolled on his side, copying Ashton and propping himself up on his elbow now, his right hand moving to Ashton’s hip and squeezing there.

“ _That_ turned you on?” His voice was curious with an undercurrent of _something_ that made the blood in Ashton’s veins sizzle.

“Yeah.” Ashton admitted in a rush, feeling the blush creeping to his cheeks but still looking into Calum’s eyes.

The younger was looking back at him intensely, his tongue darting out to lick his lips, swallowing slowly like his mouth had gone dry. Ashton could relate. His dick was still half-hard, and his thought process right now paired with the way his eyes kept glancing down to Calum’s lips as if they were a magnet wasn’t helping.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I liked you bossing me around.” Calum suddenly murmured, his eyes darting between Ashton’s and his lips, his cheeks still flushed. Ashton’s throat dried out, his cock giving an interested twitch inside his boxers.

“I _like_ that too.” He admitted in a low voice, his voice cracking as his eyes held Calum’s heated gaze now.

Ashton had mostly pushed down the thrill it ran through him every time Calum had complied and followed his requests while he had been ill, but he couldn’t really lie to himself. He had been thinking just to what extent _that_ would stretch. “I’m not sure how that’s going to work, though?” Ashton let out slowly.

He was grateful that there wasn’t anyone in the house right now. He wouldn’t know how he would have been able to have this conversation if they weren’t alone. More than anything because his semi was still there, tenting against his boxers. And it didn’t appear to be going anywhere.

“It worked out _pretty fine_ last time.” Calum exhaled, winking at him.

“Yeah, it did.” Ashton agreed, flushing at the wink, but he had to shake his head, tear his gaze away for just a second. If he remembered how Calum had fallen apart in his lap, the pleasure on his face just before he caved in and hid his face on Ashton’s neck as he came, his hard-on would never go away.

And then he remembered Calum on the volunteer center, telling him he still had a few things to unpack when it came to sex. Suddenly getting rid of his boner didn’t seem like something that was going to happen anytime soon. Not if he kept going that way. And Ashton was kind of inclined to keep going that way.

“I’m sure we can _figure it out_.” Calum let out in a breath, his gaze still pretty much boring into Ashton’s, his cheeks just as flushed.

“Yeah.” Ashton swallowed dryly, his eyes darting towards Calum’s lips like he couldn’t help it.

The sexual tension was perfectly palpable between them, making Ashton actually want to laugh, break it off, but Calum was still staring him down. The grip the younger had on his hip had only tightened, his pupils dilating. Calum wasn’t doing anything else about it, though. Ashton knew why, and he felt the world for him for it.

He brought his own hand up, rooting it in the hair in back of the boy’s head, leaning forward as his eyes searched Calum’s, trying to convey what he felt, that he _wanted_ it. The younger was clearly waiting for him to give him the go, and Ashton smiled up at him, willing him to understand. Calum raised his eyebrows, unsure, but Ashton nodded again, shortly, trying to reassure him. The next thing he knew, the black-haired boy was tackling him to the bed, knees bracketing his hips, holding himself just over where Ashton would have really preferred for him to be.

Calum’s dark eyes were set as the hand squeezing Ashton’s hip released it, slowly creeping its way up the older’s belly and chest, a barely there caress. Ashton’s breath hitched, feeling goosebumps erupt all the way up to his nape, his eyes trapped in Calum’s. He couldn’t look away. The younger boy followed his trail up to Ashton’s shoulder and then through his arm until it reached the Ashton’s hand buried on his hair.

Ashton’s dick gave another twitch. Even when he knew what Calum’s goal was, it still was hot watching the younger do it, thinking he wasn’t really doing anything to stop him. He was completely at the black-haired boy’s mercy now. Ashton knew if he just told Calum to stop, the boy would probably obey him, the notion of which sent his blood pumping through his veins. Calum could have the upper hand right now, the strength to keep Ashton where he wanted him, but just one word from Ashton’s mouth and the younger would stop. To think he had that power over everything happening in the room right now was kind of exhilarating and dizzying.

Aston’s heartbeat quickened as he felt Calum’s fingers wrapping one by one on his wrist, making Ashton release his hair. He then slowly brought it upwards and pressed it against the pillow, right above the older’s head. The action made Calum lean in closer, his lips mere centimetres away from Ashton’s, eyes still holding the older’s gaze as he reached for his other hand, bringing it up and keeping it there. Ashton wasn’t sure how he could still breathe as Calum held his wrists together underneath his left hand, squeezing them for a moment and making him whine. Calum’s eyes widened a little with concern, questioning the older if it was okay, believing he had hurt him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ashton nodded again, smiling up at him encouragingly, a soft moan escaping him uninhibited when Calum squeezed his wrists even tighter as a response and his right hand gently caressed down his face.

They hadn’t broken eye contact yet, and Ashton felt about ready to pass out. His dick was more than half-hard now, straining painfully against his boxers. That Calum kept caressing his way down Ashton’s chest with his index, lazily circling around his left nipple didn’t help.

He had gathered from their last time together that Calum _loved_ to tease, and honestly, something about it had driven Ashton crazy. But right now he needed something more. His hips bucked up without him even noticing, a whine leaving through his teeth when the head of his cock finally had some friction against Calum’s own hard-on. Even through their clothes it felt amazing. It was the only moment he had tore his gaze from Calum’s, eyes slipping shut in the sudden pleasure. He was almost jarringly brought out of it by Calum forcibly grabbing his jaw, making him open his eyes again.

“Keep them open.” He whispered, voice even hoarser than a few minutes before.

“I thought you liked getting the orders, not giving them.” Ashton huffed, breath already coming down in pants as Calum delicately traced his jaw.

“I can play both ways. Especially if it gets you off.” The younger winked at him, shooting him a cheeky smile before leaning down and leaving a rather out-of-place chaste peck on his nose.

“If you don’t touch my dick right now, I don’t know how you expect to get me off.” Ashton scoffed.

Although he wasn’t sure who he was kidding. Everything Calum had done so far had only turned him on more, and the younger seemed to know it if the smirk that was etching its way on his face was anything to go by.

“Just wait.” Calum retorted, his hand combing back a few strands of hair from Ashton’s face, leaning back down so his lips were just hovering over the older’s.

Ashton could feel the anticipation sizzling between them like electricity. Calum was looking at him through his lashes, that smirk still curling the side of his mouth, gaze heated and breathing laboured. Ashton wasn’t in a much better state. Calum was holding his hands down over his head, squeezing just on the tad of forcefully, and it was sending delicious shivers straight to Ashton’s cock. He wanted Calum to stop playing once and for all and finally kiss him senseless instead of just holding himself close enough that Ashton was literally breathing him in but far enough that their lips wouldn’t touch. This was torture… This was… wait.

“Are you using my move against me?” He suddenly figured out, outraged.

Calum’s eyebrows came together comically, a snort escaping him. But the worst thing was, he was trying to move his hand away from Ashton’s hair so as not to fall into him but it was stuck in a knot. That, paired with Calum’s laughter rocking his body, destabilised him, both ending up knocking their heads and the younger falling on top of Ashton a giggling mess. He sat up quickly, though, retreating both his hands and clutching his nose with a wince even through his laughter, muttering sorry over and over again for having knocked his head on Ashton’s. It was such a break from his previous sexy posturing that the older couldn’t help but start giggling hysterically too, even through the unlikely combination of the pain in his face and the pleasure shooting up from his crotch at finally having Calum sitting down on it.

“I wasn’t aware you had _moves_ to steal from.” Calum teased in between bouts of laughter, mirth making his eyes crinkle beautifully.

“I have plenty of _moves_ , excuse me.” Ashton pouted, buckling up his hips against Calum’s ass and enjoying when that threw the younger a bit out of his game.

His cheeks were flushed, Ashton didn’t know if as a result from his arousal, the giggling or the feeling of Ashton’s cock against his crack. Whatever it was, it only added to his beauty. With the light shining brighter now through the window above the bed, it appeared as if Calum had a halo around him. He was _glowing_. And Ashton couldn’t find his breath anywhere.

He reached up, hand cupping Calum’s jaw and eyes staring up reverently. Even with his hair a mess, sleep tee wrinkled beyond saving and dark circles under his eyes, Calum was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Ashton still couldn’t believe he got to see him like this, laughter pulling at his lips, soft eyes and warmth radiating from him.

“Kiss me.” He whispered, breath punched out of his chest, his eyes shifting between Calum’s. “Please.”

Calum didn’t have to be told twice, leaning back down and claiming his lips, gently, like Ashton would break if he went too hard at it. It wasn’t more than a sweet caress of his lips against the older’s, their breaths mingling, and Ashton still felt his head spinning, everything around him fading away until the only thing left was Calum.

The younger let himself fall against him slowly, moulding their bodies together. Ashton felt a moan coming up his throat when Calum started to rock their hips together, their cocks aligned and just a few flimsy layers between them. He felt kind of on cloud nine.

He chanced darting out his tongue to lick Calum’s bottom lip, going further and biting it softly, relishing the younger’s whine at it. His hand was still cupping his jaw, stroking over his cheekbone when Ashton finally slid his tongue inside, swallowing Calum’s moan. The boy had gone pliant above him, little pants escaping him as Ashton worked in tandem with his moving hips, his left hand clutching the small of Calum’s back closer, flushing them together.

Calum’s hands didn’t stay still for much longer, though, taking Ashton’s lead and starting to explore his body again. He was doing that thing again where he moved his index finger slowly and deliberately through all of Ashton’s body, playfully, and the older felt his breath falter when it ghosted right above his pyjama pants.

He slid his hand lower, slow, until it grabbed at Calum’s ass right above his own pyjamas, squeezing and enjoying the whine it brought out of the boy, his own dick twitching excited at Calum’s reaction.

“Can I…?” The younger panted against his lips, his eyes lidded as he held Ashton’s gaze, thumb sneaking under the waistband of his boxers. He was still frantically rocking his hips against Ashton’s.

“You really asking?” Ashton chuckled breathlessly, his own hand sliding from his ass to the boy’s front, slipping his hand in between their bodies and cupping Calum firmly in his hand as he tugged his hold on the younger’s curls.

“Fuck.” The younger whined, hips bucking up with force against Ashton’s fingers, going back to kissing him, this time messily, their teeth cackling and Calum’s tongue chasing his, sucking on it and making Ashton whine in turn.

His sleep tee was starting to stuck to his back, Calum’s duvet still covering them. It was too hot underneath it, and Ashton tried to kick it back. The curls in the back of his neck were sticking together with sweat, and Calum wasn’t faring much better, his own hair sticking to the side of his incredibly flushed face.

Calum seemed to notice his battle against the duvet, bunching it in his hands and throwing it back himself before going back down and straight for Ashton’s neck, starting to suck kisses there, fingers tracing tantalisingly slow over Ashton’s happy trail. Ashton groaned, his hips working harder against Calum’s, his hand slipping inside the younger’s boxers and squeezing him. It made Calum suck even harder at his neck, whining, rubbing so hard against Ashton’s hand that the back of it pressed tightly against his own cock, Ashton wishing he had taken it out of his boxers too.

He was about to suggest them losing their clothes when they heard the keys in the front door, barely having enough time to register it happening before Mali-Koa’s soft humming reached them.

“Ugh.” Calum groaned into his neck, his face still hidden there. “I forgot Mali was coming back after breakfast shift was over at the inn.”

Ashton’s heart was going as quick as if he had just ran down the street top speed. It was only now that he noticed it, heartbeat drumming in his ears as they both stayed scarily still. Their hands were frozen where they had been before, the only sound heard their laboured breathing –which both were trying to calm down– and Mali’s singing and fast steps coming up the stairs, and thank god staying in the first floor.

“Shit.” Ashton muttered under his breath, and Calum actually let out a short laugh at it, his lips pressing a small kiss against his throat. Ashton pretty much knew the answer, but he still asked. “Do you want to keep going?”

Calum came out of his neck at that, both of them wincing when they heard Mali opening up the window on her room downstairs. Even when it wasn’t directly below Calum’s room, it still sounded pretty close. Calum had been right, the acoustics on this house were scary. If they were to let out even the tiniest moan, it would surely carry through the walls.

The younger’s eyes were wide shifting between Ashton’s and the older’s hand still cupping his cock.

“I, um–”

“Cal? Ash? You home?”

Ashton winced, retreating his hand from Calum’s already softening dick as the younger sighed. He looked legitimately embarrassed at his erection going down so fast –or maybe it was at his sister having just killed their mood–, and Ashton leaned forward to brush his nose against his, leaving a tiny kiss on his lips. It wasn’t something he should be embarrassed about, Ashton’s would have probably gone down even faster if it had been Harry or Lauren he heard getting home.

“Don’t worry, I get it.” He whispered against Calum’s mouth, smiling up at him from where he lay.

“I brought Gregg’s, guys!”

Calum smiled apologetically at him before getting up, adjusting himself in his boxers as he waddled towards the door, opening it up just a crack and sticking his head out.

“We’re up here, we woke up a few minutes ago!” He shouted down the stairs, wincing when his voice broke and bringing a hand to massage his throat.

Ashton sighed and rolled over, burying his face into the pillows, groaning. Fuck. His hard on had gone down almost as quickly as Calum’s after hearing Mali’s voice, but it was still a bit frustrating. He barely heard Mali answering downstairs before the younger boy closed the door again, paddling softly to the bed. And then he was suddenly crushing Ashton against the mattress, his whole weight on top of his back.

“I can’t breathe.” Ashton croaked out, but Calum didn’t roll away, he snaked his arms around Ashton’s midriff and hugged him close, his lips finding his way to Ashton’s nape, leaving kisses. They weren’t lustful, though, as they previously had been. These were light and fond. Calum’s crotch was literally pressed against his ass, and the older could feel Calum was completely soft now. Nothing like an unexpected appearance from a family member to ruin the mood.

“Sorry.” He felt Calum’s breath near his ear, making him laugh.

“It isn’t your fault, Cal.” He giggled, rolling to his side and throwing Calum effectively off of him, finally being able to breathe again. The other boy let out a sound of complaint at having been thrown away, but he still laughed along, turning to look at him once again and leaning near so he could kiss Ashton, short but sweet.

“We can go back to that next time we’re alone.” He mumbled when he leaned back, hand coming up to Ashton’s hair, combing it backwards. “If you want to.”

“I want to.” Ashton whispered back embarrassingly quickly, which only brightened Calum’s smile before the younger leant forward once more, kissing him soundly. Ashton almost moaned at it, but Calum was gone quicker than he expected, sitting up and offering him a hand too.

“I’m still hungry.” He bit his lip, glancing towards the door and back to Ashton.

“And I'm sweaty as hell.” The older snorted, looking down at himself where his clothes were still sticking to his skin.

“Shower?” Calum suggested.

“Yup, I need it.”

“I’m going to go tell Mali we're having a shower before breakfast, then.” Calum pecked him, crawling backwards to the edge of the bed before getting down and starting to walk to the door.

“You better leave some sausage rolls for when _I_ have breakfast.” Ashton threatened, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table and paddling his way to the bathroom.

“I wasn't going to _eat_ right now. I know how to wait.” Calum complained, hovering by the door. But then his stomach grumbled again, and both of them broke out laughing. “I'll only eat one, okay?”

“You better.”

***

“What time is Michael supposed to get here?” Ashton asked, rolling on his place on the bed to get a good look at Calum.

“He was supposed to arrive mid afternoon.” Calum said distractedly from his chair, eyes shifting back and forth between his computer screens. Ashton had thought the setup was a little extra when he first saw it back at his room in Cambridge. It was all over by the time he actually witnessed Calum working through assignments faster than he would have been able to with just one monitor. “He texted a couple of hours ago saying they had stopped for lunch near Sheffield, though. So… Around 6, probably.” he snickered, and Ashton smiled at him.

“Cool.”

“Yeah.” Calum agreed, closing down some research tabs and sighing. “I just hope Grace survives the drive. Michael’s kind of annoying in long trips.”

Ashton snorted. He could only imagine Michael confined to small space over the span of six hours. That could get anyone cranky.

After breakfast with Mali, the rest of the day had been kind of uneventful except for Lauren and Harry skyping him after New Year struck in Sydney. Ashton had even teared up at the call, suddenly wishing he could be there with them. It dawned on him that he hadn’t really hugged Harry for close to a year, hadn’t been dragged by Lauren to the beach on a random day for just as long. They were growing up and Ashton was missing it all even more than while he had been at uni.

Calum had been studying downstairs during he call, giving him some space, but it seemed like he had a sixth sense or something tuned to when Ashton felt like crying, because no more than a minute after he ended the call the younger boy was coming through the door with a couple of mugs, hot chocolate’s delicious smell wafting up to Ashton’s nose. He had taken the mug from Calum instantly even when they were supposed to be having lunch in a few. He needed the comfort. Calum had stayed with him on the bed, listening to him talk about Harry and Lauren as they both sipped on their mugs, Calum’s thumb stroking circles on the small of his back. It had helped immensely.

After lunch Calum had thrown himself back into full study mode, saying he had to make up for the time he had lost while he was too sick. Ashton had tried to argue that resting hadn’t been losing time, and that thanks to all that rest he was feeling better so soon, but Calum wasn’t having it. If Ashton had had to go through the amount of assignments Calum had, he probably would have been freaking out way harder, so he kind of understood where Calum was coming from.

He rolled again on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Sunlight had already gone down enough that the glow-in-the-dark stars from Calum’s ceiling were starting to come alive, just as the real ones directly above him in the sky.

Ashton had spent the afternoon lying there, cosied up in his new throw, alternating between observing the sky turning cute colours and Calum concentrating on his work. He didn’t know which one he found more beautiful.

The younger boy had been really stressed after lunch, even refusing when Ashton had suggested a nap. Not even Ashton’s pout had made him steer from his plan. _I’m not going to get any study tomorrow after being up all night, I need to focus now. I literally don’t think I have enough time to get all this done_ , he had explained to Ashton, who had only pouted more until Calum agreed to stay with him in bed while he studied, only moving to the chair and computer when he had needed to consult a specific research database.

He had been so immersed in it, Ashton was sure he hadn’t even noticed all the light gradually disappearing around him. The only light in the room right now came from the two monitors, and even when Calum with glasses would be a cute sight, Ashton knew what a pain in the ass being half blind actually was, so he rolled out of bed and padded to the switch next to the door, turning on the lights. Calum’s response was immediate, lifting his gaze from his notes and looking around till his eyes focused on Ashton standing next to the switch.

“Thanks.” He smiled at him, eyes soft.

“We can’t have you going blind.” Ashton padded his way to the desk, standing right in between the younger’s legs before leaning down and kissing an already waiting Calum, smiling when he felt the younger’s lips stretching to a smile against his.

“I’m going to go down for a cuppa, do you want to come with me? Rest a bit?” He asked when they parted, both his hands massaging Calum’s shoulders.

“I want to finish that, if I can.” The younger pointed to the screens. There was some program or other in the background running what appeared to be simulations of orbits or whatever. Calum had tried to explain it to him earlier, but Ashton had been sleepy and hadn’t completely understood it.

“Okay.” He smiled, leaning down for another peck, Calum’s right hand squeezing his hip. “You hungry? I can bring something up.”

The boy bit his lip, clearly thinking hard about it, before his face brightened up, looking back up to Ashton’s.

“Can you see if there are any cookies left?”

“Will do.” Ashton giggled. He leaned down one last time, this time pressing a kiss to Calum’s temple before turning around and making his way to the door.

“Thank you, Ash.” Calum sent him a smile, going back to work as soon as Ashton smiled back.

He could hear Mali humming in her room as he trudged downstairs. As far as Ashton knew, she was having dinner with them and staying until the countdown, but then she was heading out to Glasgow to some party at her friend’s. Calum had suggested they go with her, but even as he was saying it the older knew he was only doing so for Ashton and that he wasn’t exactly feeling it. Ashton didn’t mind staying in. He preferred it, actually. To be honest, after dinner at his flat with Michael and vodka, Ashton was sure tonight wouldn’t lack any fun even if they didn’t go out. And he had told Calum as such, happy when he saw the small smile growing on the younger’s face.

He made his way down the hall downstairs, almost walking past Joy sitting beside the kitchen table without even noticing her there as he came into the room. She seemed startled, also, her hand going to her heart, and a short surprised laugh escaping her.

“Ashton.” She laughed, her eyes softening. “Hi love.”

“Hi.” Ashton smiled, now hovering near the counter where the kettle was, a little bit thrown out. “I thought Calum said you had gone over to the Clifford’s already?”

“Ah, I did, but we needed an extra oven.” She nodded towards the wall where the oven was indeed turned on, and Ashton’s mouth slightly watered at the smell of the roasting veggies inside.

“Anything I can help you with?” He turned back to her. He knew she would probably say no, but he still had to try.

“Nothing, don’t worry.” She assured him as expected, before nodding to the kettle. “Do you want some tea?”

Before he could even say yes, Joy was standing up and taking the kettle to the sink, already filling it with water.

“Thanks.” Ashton smiled. “I was actually coming down for a cup.”

Joy smiled at him, flicking the switch on the kettle and turning it on, taking out a couple of mugs and placing them on the counter.

Ashton bit his lip, thinking if he should maybe say Calum was waiting for him upstairs. But he knew as focused as he was, the younger boy would probably not notice him being gone for ten minutes as long as he brought back cookies with him.

Joy saw him hesitating and gestured to the table, smiling, and Ashton went to sit down as they waited for the kettle to boil. He was a bit nervous. It wasn’t like there was something specially intimidating about Calum’s mum, but she was still _that_ , Calum’s mum. And Ashton hadn’t talked to her that much. He observed as she filled their mugs with water and put the tea bags in, making her way to the table.

“Here you go.” She smiled as she handed him his cup, eyes gentle. “I hope we have made you feel welcome this week.” She added as she took a seat across from him.

“Yeah, of course.” Ashton hurried to answer. “I feel more than welcome. Thank you, really. I know Calum didn’t really give you much notice.”

“No, no, he didn’t.” She laughed, but it was good naturedly. “It was the first time he even acknowledged to us he was seeing someone. We always know, it’s more evident than he would like to think. But he’s never shared that part of his life with us before.”

Ashton smiled tightly at that, not really knowing what to say about it. Instead, he reached for two sugar cubes and dropped them into his tea knowing full well if Calum was here he would send him a _look_. The younger never put sugar in his tea –unless it was chai– and usually thought doing it was something short of a sacrilege. Even if he had tried Ashton’s one afternoon and had liked it, stealing it for himself.

“I imagine he probably just didn’t want you to spend Christmas on your own, didn’t he?” Joy interrupted his thoughts, blowing over her own mug as they waited for it to be drinkable.

“Yeah. That was his main argument.” Ashton chuckled, Joy nodding along. “Although he threw in snow. A White Christmas. That’s what sold it to me.” Ashton giggled, remembering the excitement on Calum’s face when he had said yes to coming here.

“There hasn’t been much snow.” Joy stated.

“I’m weirdly okay with that.” He said truthfully, Joy letting out a small laugh at that. The amusement in her eyes showed that she knew Ashton had accepted for more than just snow. Ashton laughed lightly, too, before adding more subdued, “I actually miss the summer heat and all. A White Christmas is pretty, but it’s just not…”

“Home.” She finished for him, her eyes understanding. Ashton kept forgetting she was also used to celebrating Christmas in the summer.

“Yeah.” He sighed. “It’s not the home I’m used to.”

“Have you gone back to visit since you started working here?” Joy asked, although by the look in her eyes Ashton already knew she knew that hadn’t been the case. Maybe Calum had told her.

“I was going to fly there this week, back for the holidays, but my car broke down in October. I had to spent the money I had saved for the plane tickets on fixing it up.”

“Oh.” Joy muttered, extending her right hand and giving Ashton’s a squeeze where it rested on the table. “I’m sorry, love.”

“It’s okay.” Ashton smiled in thanks, taking his mug in his hand when Joy let go and having a sip.

One of the things he kind of missed the most was just celebrating on the beach, the fireworks, the atmosphere. The heat. Harry and Lauren and his mum, all together. This was the first time he hadn’t been with them as the clock struck twelve. He had always gone out partying after, but they all had promised to keep celebrating the New Year together for as long as possible.

Next year, Ashton wanted to bring Calum there, show him Sydney and properly introduce him to his mum, his siblings. They had all met him in passing through Skype, but it wasn’t the same. Perhaps they could do it when Calum finished his Master’s, during the summer here. Ashton could book a flight for the both of them, surprise Calum with it.

And maybe he was thinking way too far ahead, already thinking about going back to Sydney with Calum, but Ashton knew somewhere deep in his heart that he wasn’t. Calum seemed as committed as him to their relationship, and Ashton could only hope it stayed that way for a long, long time.

Joy was stirring her tea, silently looking towards the window that towered over their garden. Ashton was still startled at how much of Calum he saw in her. Or more accurately, how much of her he now recognised in Calum’s mannerisms. The younger boy may have inherited his dad’s smile and passion for cooking, but there was something undeniably _Joy_ about the way he carried himself too. Ashton had always loved discovering all these little details that spoke about one’s family within oneself. He had seen Michael too in the way Calum spoke sometimes, his jokes. He had seen Mali’s influence in Calum’s music taste, his facial expressions.

Ashton hadn’t even noticed he was staring too much, some blush creeping onto his cheeks as Joy turned to look at him, her smile kind nonetheless.

“If you don’t mind me asking,–” She started, and Ashton could see she was somewhat hesitant to keep going, but her eyes were curious. “I know I’m probably prying too much, but I guess it comes with my line of work.” Joy smiled apologetically, and Ashton tried to remember what Calum had told him about that, although he hadn’t been pretty clear. Ashton knew she worked as some sort of social worker, but he wasn’t exactly sure where. “You said you came here because you wanted to travel before settling down, right?”

Ashton sighed, taking a sip from his mug before answering. He knew what the next question probably was, had just remembered Joy’s eyes while he answered David that first night. So he just answered what he knew she was really curious about.

“Yeah.” He started. “And... I needed a clean start. I needed to be away, on my own, to process what had happened. With my best friend.”

She hummed, the corner of her lips turning downward sadly just like Calum’s did, and somehow that hurt more than remembering out loud why he had basically fled Australia.

Joy had averted her eyes, back to watching out the window, and Ashton silently thanked her, taking a moment to collect himself. It wasn’t like he was about to cry; he didn’t think so. But he still felt the pull on his chest and the knot growing on his throat that meant he still had a bit to work through. He took another sip from his tea, tasting it slowly. It was good. Perfect temperature to drink, too, just a step below burning-your-tongue hot.

“You haven’t talked about it much, have you?” She asked after a few minutes of silence, her eyes kind.

And Ashton should have felt uncomfortable with this, but right now he felt calm, Joy’s aura did that. He knew _why_ she was working in the field she was. It was clear that she used her easy-to-talk-to nature to her advantage. Although Ashton didn’t think she was doing it right at this moment.

“I haven’t, no.” He admitted, his hands coming back up to wrap themselves around his own mug.

“I’ve seen this a lot, in older kids I work with. Children deal with loss a lot better than us.” She sighed. “Some people, mostly adults, don’t know how to deal with a loss and shut off. It happened to Calum, too.”

There wasn’t anything Ashton could answer to that, was there? It was just the truth. He in particular hadn’t known how to handle Bec’s death, so he had buried it deep down. Have never even brought it up for a long time. From what Calum had told him, the boy hadn’t talked about his Nan either, only to Michael, and not in great depth.

“Some people stay down, can’t manage to work it through. But others get better.” She went on. “And they happen to get better quicker _when_ they meet the right someone. Open up.”

At that Ashton looked up, suddenly feeling called out, but not in a bad way. It was strange. Joy was smiling softly at him, drinking her tea. He felt compelled to answer.

“Yeah. The past year wasn’t exactly... easy for me, but I’m getting there.” He muttered, realising that yeah, he _was_ getting there.

She smiled bigger at that, a little nod of her head like she wanted Ashton to keep going.

He felt like he was in some kind of weird therapy session, Calum’s mom being the one leading it making it feel even weirder. But he wasn’t opposed to the idea of talking about this with someone who actually had the professional tools to talk to him. Although it was completely unorthodox to be discussing it with his boyfriend’s mom.

“I didn’t tell anyone about it until Calum.” He confessed, his index tracing lines up and down on his mug and his eyes trained on a slightly darker knob in the table’s wood. He hadn’t realised that telling Calum that first day, on November, opening up and saying Bec’s name out loud for the first time in months, it had helped him. A lot. He had been getting better and better ever since, telling Calum the complete story had only given him the strength to actually know he _could_ get through it. Maybe he still needed time, but he _was_ going to get through it.

“It _is_ good to rely on people for help to get out of a grieving period, Ashton.” Joy said, as if echoing his thoughts.

Something in the way she said it made him look up. Perhaps it had been the direct mention of his name, rolling from her tongue in an accent more close to Ashton’s own that any other he had heard in about a year out of Skype. She was looking at him again, although this time the smile was muted, her eyes serious but gentle.

“Even if it’s a personal journey you feel like you have to take on your own, relying on people for help is good.”

The calling out felt even stronger now, the knot on his throat suddenly growing tighter.

“I know.” He mumbled, his eyes darting away, hand reaching for his cup and drawing it to his lips, taking a bigger gulp now, trying to swallow down the knot. It didn’t work.

He knew he had to work on himself _by_ himself. Telling Calum about Bec and having him to lean on had been a great help. The first step. But he couldn’t expect the younger boy to always piece him back together when he felt broken, he had told him as much the other night. That it wasn’t healthy. He didn’t want to bring Calum down, that was the last thing he wanted to happen.

He was startled when he felt one of Joy’s hands reaching for his on the mug, squeezing.

“I didn’t mean to point out your case in any way, love.” She smiled. “You’ve clearly dealt with it on your own, and I think it’s good that Calum helped you open up.” Ashton’s heart skipped a beat at that. “Losses _are_ a thing one may have to work through alone, first. But that’s usually done within a certain support system surrounding you. I cannot imagine what you’ve gone through. You must be incredibly strong.”

At that Ashton couldn’t really stop it, a couple of tears fell down as he blinked. It surprised him, really, because he hadn’t even noticed his eyes were welling up. Joy kept holding his hand, that downward turn on her mouth Ashton had seen –more times that he would have liked– on Calum’s own present again. He sniffled a couple of times, reaching up with his other hand to wipe the tears away, Joy squeezing her hold one more time before getting up to fish Ashton some tissues. He didn’t feel _strong_.

Ashton smiled wordlessly as he took them, blowing his nose quickly and letting out a small embarrassed laugh.

“Sorry.”

“You needn’t be sorry. Crying is a good way to let emotions out.” She laughed softly. Her eyes were reminding Ashton so much of Calum’s right now that he had to look away for a moment.

“Thank you, for what you said.” He muttered, his eyes glued back to that same darker knob on the table he had been staring at before.

“You really do seem strong, Ashton. I have no doubt you will work your way through it.”

Ashton nodded, a couple more tears escaping him as he reached for his mug, drinking the cold tea now. It didn’t taste great. It had cooled down too much, but Ashton still drank it all, thankful that he could hide his face a little behind the cup.

He hadn’t expected to break down again this easily. At least it didn’t feel like before, when he hadn’t been able to see a future in which he wasn’t hurting as much. Calum had changed that for him. Even Luke, with his constant companionship through the worst months of Ashton’s life had changed that. He could see a future where, as Calum said, it still hurt, but it wasn’t an open wound continuously pouring out blood. It would just be a scar, something to remind Ashton of what he had lost, just the good feelings remaining to honour Bec’s memory. He would be able to take the memories out for a walk and not feel like he would never be as happy again. He would heal.

Ashton blew his nose, coughing a little, embarrassed, when he saw Joy was still eyeing him. There had been something, just before she pointed out it was good leaning on people for support, something about Calum that had sounded strange to him.

“Why did you mention Calum when talking about people shutting off?” He asked, looking back into her eyes, suddenly seeing a weariness there that hadn’t been present before. “He’s talked about his... loss more than I did.” Ashton added.

“Yes, he has.” Joy agreed, and Ashton heard the _‘but’_ even before it left her mouth. “But I don’t think he’s talking about _everything_ he’s feeling, even right now.”

“What do you mean?” The confusion in his voice was so clear, Joy sighed, her eyes kind of looking at him like only people who were older than you could ever look at you. Like they knew something you didn’t. It was the first time Ashton felt slightly uncomfortable during the whole conversation.

“He hasn’t exactly been the same after his grandma passed.” Joy finally answered, her hands nervously fretting with the mantel. “Calum used to be very open. Not just with us, but with everyone. Since the funeral, he became guarded. He didn’t talk to us.”

She was avoiding Ashton’s gaze now, and it was just one of those moments it comes crashing down on you. This was a whole other person, with their own fears and worries, and not just a parent. It was always jarring when that happened.

“He used to be closer with Mali, too.” She sighed, calming her hands and glancing back up to Ashton. He would have expected her eyes to be misty, but they were clear and set. “He may appear like he is in a good place, Ashton, but he’s teetering. And he knows it, and we know it. But he doesn’t talk to us about it, doesn’t come to us. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to pry it out. It would only make it worse.”

“Excuse me for the bluntness, but I think you’re wrong.” Ashton blurted out and suddenly felt colour rising to his cheeks at having talked so out of line to Calum’s mother. Especially unprompted. She was looking at him with interest now, her eyebrows raised. She looked like she hadn’t expected Ashton to so clearly defy her thoughts, and honestly, neither had Ashton. “Oh god, I’m s–”

“Go on.” Joy cut his apology, seemingly unaffected by his sudden burst. “I want to hear your point of view.” She didn’t look angry, and it somehow put Ashton more at ease.

He thought about how to phrase this correctly, so that Joy wouldn’t just blow his questions away. He felt even weirder now at talking about Calum behind his back, but… The way Joy had spoken about him… It just didn’t sound like the Calum he was getting to know. There was a very clear distinction between the two.

“How can you know he’s teetering if you haven’t talked to him?” He finally asked, slowly, wary of how Joy was going to answer.

“I know my own son, Ashton.”

And that’s what he had feared, right there.

“But you just said he hasn’t been the same after his Nan passed away.” He tried, working really dainty through his words. “It’s been a year and a half. Have you tried to talk with him afterwards?”

Joy seemed a little taken aback at that, and she was about to speak when Ashton cut her.

“Let me explain, please. I’m not… I’m not trying to sound judgemental here. I’m sorry if I’m coming across like such.” He let out in a breath. But Joy nodded, and that gave him the strength to go on. “I’ve only known Calum for a month, so maybe I am way off from the truth, but… This I know. Calum didn’t want to tell me he was going through a rough patch. He didn’t want to seem like he was reaching for attention when he thought my loss was far more hurtful. When he thought his pain didn’t amount to much next to mine.”

Joy didn’t seem as surprised anymore, her eyebrows actually furrowing and her eyes fixed somewhere on her hands. She seemed taken aback. Her thoughts trapped somewhere.

“He may not have changed as much as I thought he did, then. He just went back.” She muttered.

She didn’t offer anything else, her hands fidgeting together, her eyes lost. Ashton didn’t know what she was referring with the going back bit. Maybe something from that past that seemed to be replaying like a movie in front of Joy’s eyes.

Ashton didn’t have to wait much to understand, though.

“He used to do that, when he was a younger.” Joy murmured. “He would get hurt or bruised on the playground or school or something and never said anything. This one time Mali-Koa had broken her arm. She had a cast on. Calum sprained his wrist a week after that and we didn’t find out until a couple of days later. He didn’t say anything.”

“Oh.” It was Ashton’s time to feel taken aback. The day he had met Calum. _Oh god_. He had said he couldn’t take time off from work because there was more money as Christmas neared. He had had a giant bruise on his ankle. And that sprained ankle wouldn’t have been pretty to walk on. And he had still been there, working. He hadn’t told anybody about it.

But he had opened up after that to Ashton. He had shared what was happening to him, piece by piece. Maybe he felt safe enough to voice it around Ashton now. The older had told Calum that night when he himself opened up about Bec… He had asked Calum not to hide himself, not to hide his pain. And he hadn’t.

Maybe this was all a big misunderstanding between him and his family. Maybe he hadn’t opened up because the right person _hadn’t asked_. Mali and his dad had, but… They both had known Calum’s grandmother for longer. She was his dad’s _mother_. In Calum’s mind that had probably meant they were more entitled to the pain of her loss than Calum himself felt he was. Oh god, it was all making sense now.

“Maybe he does want to talk about it, knows he _needs_ to talk about it. He just doesn’t think his pain has anything on yours, or in this case, on his father’s?” He suggested in a low voice, not even looking back up to Joy.

Ashton heard her taking a deep breath, sighing afterwards before getting up and carrying her mug to the sink. At that he glanced up, thinking she would be facing away still. But Joy was leaning against the counter, her arms crossed and her gaze focussed on a picture of Calum and Mali stuck to the fridge’s door. Calum couldn’t have been older than five, his cheeks so round and squeezable that Ashton’s heart skipped a beat. He had noticed that particular pic earlier in his stay, had actually asked Mali if she had any digital copy and had gladly sent it to him. It was now on his phone, saved in the same folder with the pictures he had together with Calum.

“Maybe you’re right, Ashton.” Joy sighed, tearing his gaze away from the photograph and back towards her.

“Or maybe we’re both right. You do _know_ him better.” Ashton offered, and felt a little confused when Joy let out a little laugh, shaking her head.

“Are you done with your tea, love?” She pointed to the mug he was still clutching, even after he had drank it all a while ago.

“Yeah.”

“Here, let me clean these up.” Joy took it from his hands, quickly washing both their cups and letting them to dry, stepping around the stove to towel her hands off on a small kitchen cloth.

“I think that’s the longest you and I have ever talked.” Joy laughed, turning to face from where she stood, her eyes kind of twinkling.

“I think it was, yeah.” Ashton agreed, some colour rising to his cheeks without him even knowing why.

“I do hope you stick around. Calum looks happier now.”

That made his blush darken even more. One thing was Mali saying that, but his _mum_ was on another level. He could feel even the point of his ears heating up, his eyes trying desperately not to cross with Joy’s.

“I, um. I should go back up. Thanks for the tea.” He muttered, not even sure Joy had heard him, so he looked up and sent her a smile as he got up from his chair and started walking towards the door.

“It was nothing, love. See you at dinner.”

“Yeah.”

Ashton rushed his way through the stairs, feeling like he had just fled from the room. He felt he was being kind of rude at having just left like that, but the whole conversation was replaying now on his mind. It was feeling even weirder and more awkward than he had noticed while he was living it. He stopped right in front of Calum’s door, calming his breath after having run up the two floors, sure he was still a bit red in the face.

Ashton felt like he owed Calum to tell him about this, but he didn’t know if that would be a good idea. This thing they had last discussed was between Calum and his family, and even when Ashton had felt compelled to step in, defend Calum from Joy’s idea of him, it still left him with a weird weight on his chest. He shouldn’t have talked about Calum behind his back. It wasn’t right. Didn’t _feel_ right. And it would be even worse when he told Calum, because that needed to happen.

When he felt his breathing had calmed enough he opened the door, quite intently not looking at Calum in his desk and instead crossing the way to his bed, flopping down on it face first.

He heard Calum turning in his chair, sliding it across the floorboards until it bumped into Ashton’s foot where it lay out of the mattress.

“Is everything okay?” Calum asked, worriedly. His hand had come down to Ashton’s calf and was just resting there.

“Yeah.” Ashton sighed, rolling around and propping himself on his elbows as he looked at Calum. “Everything’s good.” He added with a smile.

Calum was looking at him, eyes still worried as they locked on Ashton. Oh fuck. He had forgotten he had cried. His eyes had to be red as fuck. Calum’s face screamed curious, but somehow Ashton felt reticent to give up the information on the conversation he had just had so soon. Fortunately Calum didn’t go into it, head on. He just started pouting.

“What?” Ashton asked after a few seconds, Calum fake-sniffling as he came closer, his chair pressed against the mattress and his hands going up to squeeze his knees.

“Cookies?” He finally asked, his lower lip sticking even further in the pout.

“Oh. Shit. I forgot.”

“You were gone almost half an hour, and you _forgot_?” Calum laughed, incredulously.

“You counted the time?” Calum had counted how long he had been gone? Something warm spread through his arteries like wildfire at the notion. And then it froze, he couldn’t just withhold the why. He had to tell him. “I’m sorry, Cal. I ran into your mum at the kitchen, we had a cuppa together.”

He had expected Calum to answer immediately, but the younger had grown uncharacteristically quiet, retreating his hands from Ashton’s knees and onto his lap. It made Ashton worry he had said the wrong thing, even when he hadn’t even said that much yet. But it seemed to have been enough for Calum. Ashton slid his way to the edge of the bed, sitting there and trying to search for the younger’s eyes.

“Oh.” He finally whispered. “What did you even talk about for twenty-seven minutes, though? I haven’t seen you cross more than three sentences with her ever since we got here.” He added, looking into Ashton’s eyes.

It was weird, like Calum somehow knew they had been talking about him. Suspected the entire conversation.

“Just this and that.” Ashton offered. He wasn’t really lying yet. “Australia. Christmas in the summer.”

Calum hummed, nodding. But he was waiting. He knew there had been something else.

“And Bec.” Ashton mumbled. And, after a big breath, finally, “And... you.”

Calum’s laugh caught him by surprise, but it wasn’t exactly joyful. That worried him more.

“She went full-on, huh?” The younger sighed. “I’m really sorry, Ash.” He extended his hands again, taking Ashton’s in his, stroking the back of his palm with his thumb. “You okay?”

His eyes were worried, but that thing Ashton had witnessed earlier was gone. Like Calum had suppressed it under his worry for Ashton’s wellbeing. He was doing it again. Putting his personal pain or worries under because he thought Ashton was the worst one off, here. Or maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it right at that moment. Ashton decided not to pry right now. He trusted Calum to ask again when he needed it. He had done it before.

“I’m okay.” He assured him, leaning forward for a peck that Calum quickly returned. “It was an interesting talk.” He added when they broke the kiss.

“Oh, yeah, I bet it was.”

Calum’s tone had been sarcastic, but he was soon smiling at Ashton again, this time the joy reaching his eyes. It made Ashton smile too.

“So how’s the assignment going?”

***

“Michael says he’s walking here. That gives us like a minute.” Calum informed him from his chair, quickly saving and locking everything up, turning off his computer.

“You closed that mighty quick.” Ashton jested from the floor near the one bookshelf where he had been browsing through Calum’s collection of comics . He and Michael had been very avid X-men fans at some point. Hell, Michael probably still was.

“Well, that’s because I know I’m not going to be able to do anything else once we come down and open that front door.”

“True.”

Ashton put on one of Calum’s hoodies he had snatched yesterday, zipping it up and making his way to Calum, who was already texting top speed, his thumbs flying over his phone like he couldn’t type fast enough.

“Can’t you even wait two minutes to see him and like, talk in person?” Ashton chuckled, shaking his head and taking Calum by his elbow to guide him through the bedroom door, fearing the younger would crash onto something or trip.

“Let me miss my brother, I haven’t seen him in a week.” Calum huffed, locking his phone and trudging down the stairs like he was a madman.

Ashton was left to stare at him, his heart swelling with warmth at hearing Calum referring to Michael as his brother.

He shook his head again, following him and smiling at Calum’s childlike excitement. It was impossible not to share it even a little. He could hear the front door opening as he walked downstairs, careful not to crash unlike Calum.

“Happy Hogmanay!”

He heard more than he saw Calum throwing himself at Michael, both of them letting out shrills when they lost momentum and fell to the floor and what sounded like… crying?

And then it was Ashton’s time to let out a scream, almost falling over himself on the last steps of the staircase.

“Surprise!” Luke shouted towering over the pile of boys on the floor, Calum and Michael hugging like they hadn’t seen each for years instead of days.

“What are you doing here?” Ashton gushed, stepping over his boyfriend and Michael and engulfing him in a hug. “I thought you were hanging out at home, with your brothers and stuff.” He clapped him on the back, hugging him tight.

“Michael offered a lift and some fun.” Luke answered.

The blond’s booming laughter shook his back and resonated all the way into Ashton’s bones. _God, he had missed Luke_. It was something he had kind of taken for granted, seeing him day in or day out at the hospital, the dinners at the pub after a shift… Even their Doctor Who marathons had been put kind of on hold since he met Calum. Ashton felt awful for that, he shouldn’t have let himself get so involved in Calum that he didn’t make out time for Luke outside of the hospital.

He squeezed him slightly harder, Luke tightening it even more before they finally broke away. It was weird of Luke to actually have held onto him for that long. The younger usually held him at an arm’s length after a longer than five second hug. It made Ashton happy to know Luke had missed him as much as he had missed the blonde.

“How are you even here?” Ashton asked, laughing too. He still didn’t believe Luke was here. Tonight was going to be _great_.

“Grace couldn’t make it.” Michael sighed from beneath Calum. “So I brought him instead.”

Ashton shook his head at his shameless boyfriend, his whole weight just thrown on top of the blue-haired boy, a content smile on his face as Michael scratched him behind his ears like he was some kind of dog.

“She working on New Year’s Eve?” Calum asked, worry seeping into his voice even through the purr he was letting out at Michael’s petting.

“Yes, but she’s excited.” Michael answered. From the grin on his face Ashton knew he was proud of her, but there was still an undercurrent of missing. “She’s in charge of the board.” He gushed.

“For New Year’s? Oh my god, Michael, that’s _huge_! Why did neither of you tell me anything?! Fuck!”

Ashton didn’t understand what they were talking about, but Calum scurried away, taking his phone and tapping furiously on the screen, dialling what Ashton guessed was Grace’s number, his excited voice heard all the way to the hall even once he closed the door to the kitchen.

“What does Grace do?” Ashton asked, confused.

He hadn’t met her yet, and he didn’t recall Calum or Michael mentioning her job. Michael was about to answer him, getting up from the floor when Luke jumped in.

“Oh, I know this one!” He exclaimed. “Michael wouldn’t shut up the whole way here. She’s a sound engineer at BBC Radio 4.” He said convincingly, but then turned to look at an amused Michael to check, “Right?”

“Yeah.” Michael answered, a big doofus smile on his face.

Ashton stepped closer to him without thinking and gave him a hug, too. Michael let out a sound of surprise, but he still hugged him back, laughing a little.

“I see Calum’s leeching tendencies have rubbed off on you.” He snickered in his ear, Ashton swatting him away.

“Excuse me, I’m a leech on my own right.” He muttered, offended.

“I can vouch for that. He’s horrible.”

Luke was smirking, but honestly, Ashton had missed him so much that he didn’t mind.

“So, where will you be staying?” Ashton asked, not really knowing which was the plan here.

“Mike said I can crash at his parents’.”

“Yup, we have room.” Michael corroborated.

“Cool.” Ashton grinned back at them, happy to know that he at least would have another friend here to start the year with. Although, if he remembered correctly… “Wait. You work tomorrow’s night shift, don’t you?” He turned to Luke, eyes wide.

“Yeah…” The blond pouted. “I’m taking the train back tomorrow morning. I’ll sleep on it. And… Turning in early for me too, tonight.”

“Define early.” Michael snickered, eyebrows wiggling like crazy and rubbing his hands like he had some kind of plan.

“You sound ominous, Mike.”

“Yeah, he does.”

Calum was still chatting to Grace on the kitchen when they all heard Mali-Koa coming down the stairs. She was carrying something in a clothes bag, stopping hesitantly at the last step when she saw the three of them standing there. However, she didn’t hesitate a long time.

“Michael!” She squealed, throwing the bag back and hurrying down the stairs, making the younger laugh. “I thought you were coming later, your dad said you were arriving at 8.” She said as she launched into Michael’s waiting arms, squeezing him close.

“My dad over-exaggerates, you know that.” The blue-haired boy laughed, squeezing back just as much.

Ashton felt like he was witnessing something more like siblings reuniting than just Mali welcoming back her brother’s best friend. They really did seem closer than Ashton would have guessed.

“Where’s Grace? Am I finally going to meet her?” Mali asked, excited, and looking around, her eyebrows furrowing when she saw no one else in the hall.

“Oh, she couldn’t come.” Michael answered, pouting. “She had work. Last minute.”

“Sucks.”

“Well, she’s happy.” Michael chuckled. It was abundantly clear he was too, even in the face of having to spend New Year’s apart. “Anyway, I brought this one instead.” Michael pointed at Luke with his thumb, the taller boy smiling at Mali, still a little awkward. Ashton had never seen him quite like this before when meeting new people. But he could understand Mali seeming intimidating at first sight.

“Hi. I’m Luke.” He extended his hand, and Ashton tried to contain his laughter as Mali eyed it amusedly before shaking it.

“Mali-Koa. Calum’s sister.”

“Nice to meet you.” Luke mumbled, and Ashton couldn’t help the snort at Luke being so polite. He tried to disguise it with a cough, but from the three pairs of eyes fixed on him, he was aware he hadn’t been exactly successful.

“Same.” Mali finally answered, facing back to Luke with a smile.

Just then Calum came back, a brilliant smile on his face when his eyes crossed with Ashton’s. He walked the rest of the way to them, stopping next to Luke for a hug and patting him on the back, apologising for not having even said hello before. When they broke apart, he made his way to Ashton, leaning naturally against his side as Ashton’s left arm came around his hip, clutching him closer. But then the younger tensed beneath his hand, his eyes trained on the staircase.

He looked to Michael and Mali, both their faces sporting Cheshire cat smiles as they watched the younger’s eyes grew wide.

“No.” Calum stated, firmly. “I’m not doing it.”

“Dinner’s at Michael’s house. And you can’t say no.” Mali snickered, smile growing.

“Plus my hair isn’t black this year.” Michael added. “It has to be you.”

Calum whined. Honest to god whined, rubbing his face with his hands. Ashton had no idea what was happening, and by the look in Luke’s eyes when they crossed with Ashton’s, he was as lost if not more.

“But I’m still slightly ill, it’s going to be freezing tonight.” Both Mali and Michael kept looking at him like they didn’t know how that would affect… _whatever_ they were clearly trying for Calum to do. “Why can’t it be Mali?” The black-haired boy suddenly suggested. “The tradition is stupid, a woman can do it. It’s not bad luck.”

“I _already_ did it two years ago, you dumbass.”

“Calum was too drunk that year to remember.” Michael whispered to her ear, but it was loud enough that all of them heard it, Luke chortling and Ashton turning to Calum with a questioning look that the boy waved off.

It was the turning point for Ashton.

“I’m really lost right now. What’s happening?” He whispered as his eyes focused on Calum’s.

“They want me to wear a kilt tonight.” The younger whined pointing to the clothes bag Mali had left on the stairs, Ashton’s eyes following his finger and just now noticing the tartan pattern peeking out.

“Not that I’m even _remotely_ opposed to the idea,–” He said quickly, blood rushing to his cheeks and hearing a chorus of snorts from around him. Calum shoved his elbow on Ashton’s side, blush painting his cheeks a cute pink. “– but why?”

“We made a bet like 6 years ago, and ever since we’ve been doing first footing wearing a kilt.” Calum explained, his eyes casting downwards and rolling his eyes.

“A bet that _you_ suggested, if I may add.” Michael cut in. “So you have to go through.”

“Michael’s right.” Mali nodded. “He did it last year. I did the one before that because you were pissed. Michael did the one before me, also. You can’t skip, Cally.” She winked at Calum, making the younger boy whine even louder, hiding his face on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I don’t know what’s happening. What’s first footing?” Luke whispered in his other ear, and Ashton had to suppress a chuckle.

“I don’t know.” He answered in the same voice, turning his face so Calum wouldn’t hear him as he kept burying his face on Ashton’s shoulder blade like that somehow would make him disappear. “I’m completely lost.”

“Cool.” Luke sent him a toothy grin, eyes amused, and it just made Ashton snort, his shoulders shaking with laughter and causing Calum to finally come out, his cheeks still terribly red.

“Are you really going to make me do this? It’s freezing.” Calum pouted, his eyes pleading, but Michael and Mali were unforgiving.

“Three years ago you made _me_.” Michael said indignantly. “It was _snowing_ , my balls froze three times over _._ ” 

Ashton couldn’t help but laugh at that, doubling over as Luke laughed too to his right, Mali rolling her eyes and Calum and Michael sending them looks of hate.

“It’s your turn. You only have to wait outside for like, five minutes before midnight. Hell, you can even go outside when it’s ten seconds to midnight.” Michael said again, trying to convince Calum to Ashton’s right as the older kept trying to contain his laughter, holding his belly.

“Miiiike.” Calum whined again.

“I’ll wear one in solidarity!” The blue-haired boy exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

“You’d do that just to make me wear it?” Calum said incredulously.

“Why not? Grace isn’t here to take pictures.” Michael snorted.

Ashton turned to look at Calum, his breathing already calmed down enough, just in time to see the younger’s features change into a smile.

“Okay.”

“Yes!” Michael gushed, throwing himself at Calum and hugging him close, still gushing. “You’ll thank _me_ later that I made you wear it.” Ashton heard him whisper into Calum’s ear thanks to the proximity before Michael’s eyes crossed with Ashton’s and he winked at him. The blush at Michael’s implication came even faster than it had before to Ashton’s cheeks, the mental image of Calum in a kilt pressing hot against his eyelids. Fuck.

“Um, okay.” He mumbled, sure his whole face was red as Mali arched an eyebrow at him from her place near the bannister. Ashton quickly thought a plan of escape, and, well. He did have something he needed to talk about with Luke. “This is out of the blue, but it’s perfect for me that you’re here, Luke. Can we talk?” The blonde boy was about to say something when Ashton added. “Alone?”

“Yeah, of course.” Then he lowered his voice, his eyes flickering back to Calum. “You’re scaring me though. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Everything’s okay.” Ashton assured him quickly. Everything was _more_ than okay with Calum. But he had promised himself he would do this as soon as he was face to face with Luke and he wasn’t going to backtrack now. “I just… I need to tell you something. I promised myself I would next time I saw you in person.”

Luke nodded, a worried crease on his forehead. Ashton leaned over to Calum, whispering where he was going. The younger boy smiled softly at him and pecked his cheek before he asked Michael if he was thirsty, dragging him away. Ashton gestured to Luke to follow him, stepping around Mali –who looked unsure if she should follow her brother– and started to climb up the stairs to Calum’s bedroom.

Once they were up there, Ashton held the door open for Luke, waiting for him to come inside so he could shut it. The blonde boy stayed still at the edge of the stairs, though, letting out a whistle.

“Oh, wow. This is like a suite. This is _ginourmous_ compared to my room at my parents’.” Luke mumbled, his eyes wide as saucers.

“It’s not that big.” Ashton chuckled, although yeah, it kind of _was_. He had abstained himself from thinking about it though. It was normal it was this big if it covered half the size of the house floor. And the bathroom was in there too. Luke sent him a look, showing he didn’t believe the older before finally walking inside and shooting straight for the bed, jumping on it.

“How’s the cat?” Ashton asked, not wanting to get directly into it.

He felt like he needed time to mentally prepare himself. Ten minutes ago he hadn’t even known he would be in a position where he could tell Luke about Bec. Finally come clean.

“The _cat_ has a name–”

“I know.”

“–and he’s very good. Very loving.”

Ashton cackled at that, walking up to the bed and sitting on the corner of Calum’s side, his hands automatically going for the throw, bunching it in his fingers.

“He didn’t bat an eyelash when you left, right?” He laughed, already imagining it. Luke getting all sad and emotional about leaving the cat for more than a day, and that little fur ball so aptly named just ignoring him royally.

“I don’t think he will notice I left for more than a twelve-hour shift. Priya’s going to check on him tomorrow morning before work.” Luke pouted sadly, and Ashton shook his head, still astonished at him showing this much affection towards his cat. It was certainly more than Ashton had ever seen him show for anybody. But hey, if Luke as happy, he was happy. And right now Luke looked worried.

“Lucifurr will be fine, don’t worry.” He whispered, squeezing Luke’s knee, then drawing his hand back to the throw, his fingers softly running through it. It calmed Ashton how soft it was.

“Yeah. I know. He’s just so small.” Luke sighed.

“You will be back tomorrow, it’s not that long.” Ashton tried again.

Luke sent him a smile, glancing around the room, his eyes taking everything in.

“How’s the week been? I know you texted me it was fine, but…”

“But you want to hear me say it?” Ashton laughed, fond, laughing even harder when Luke nodded eagerly. “It’s been great. _Calum_ is great. I am… happy.” Ashton finished slowly, small smile growing on his face, his heart warming up at it. He _was_ happy.

Luke was eyeing him from where he lay on the bed, something awfully like tears building up on the corner of his eyes. Ashton watched as he blinked a couple of times before sitting up and drawing Ashton in a hug, squeezing him closer.

“I’m so happy you are, Ash.” He whispered, breaking the hug way too soon for Ashton’s liking and looking him in the eye. “You can’t know how happy that makes me, mate.”

And now it was time for Ashton to try to blink away the tears forming on his own eyes, emotions running high on his chest. Luke was way too good a friend for how very little Ashton had shared of his previous life with him. He didn’t deserve Luke.

“Anyway.” Luke coughed, his right hand wiping away a stray tear running through his cheek. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

And now it came the _hard_ part.

“Um. I…” Ashton already felt the knot forming on his throat, so he swallowed it down, told it to stay away. “Last year. The reason I moved here, Luke.”

His eyes were trained on the floorboards beneath his feet, but he still knew Luke had turned to face him on the bed. The weight on the mattress had shifted.

“You don’t have to tell me, Ashton.” The blonde said quietly. “You don’t _have_ to, I told you.”

“I know.” Ashton appreciated it, but… He had to do this. He _wanted_ to do it. It was one of the things he needed to do in order to heal. “I want to, Luke. You deserve that much. And I’m better now, don’t worry.” He chuckled, turning to look at the younger who was biting his lower lip, one hand coming up to tuck his overgrown hair behind his ear. 

“What happened to you?” Luke asked, eyes scared to know the truth. “Bad break-up?”

Ashton winced, shaking his head.

“No.” Luke’s eyebrows furrowed even more at that. He didn’t say anything else, though. It seemed as though he knew Ashton needed the time to breathe before he said it. Luke had been able to read him like that from very early on, which had kind of scared Ashton. But the younger had kept trying so hard to get Ashton out of his funk that he had wormed his way into the older’s heart. Luke was a friend for life after how he had helped Ashton. Even without knowing what was wrong.

So Ashton took a deep breath, focussed on getting through this. Luke _deserved_ to know. And Ashton needed to tell him, needed someone else to rely on that also knew about it, other than just Calum.

Luke sent him an encouraging smile that would feel out-of-place given what Ashton was about to tell him, but it did nothing more than help Ashton with just the right push to start talking.

“Last year, right before Christmas, I…” He trailed off, taking another big gulp of air, letting it out slowly. “I lost my best friend. Code blue. The ALS team couldn’t get her heart to restart. I was at the scene.”

He couldn’t look at the realisation dawning on Luke’s face, so he turned away, facing the door, and started stroking the throw again.

“Fuck.” Luke muttered, tearing his gaze away from Ashton’s, fixing it some point near the door. “I’m really sorry, Ash.”

His voice was no louder than a whisper, tone sad. It made Ashton’s heart throb in his chest. He had a feeling the memory of that day would always hurt. But the relief he felt at opening up to Luke… It flooded his chest like a tidal wave. He could breathe easier now. Ashton hadn’t even noticed how keeping it in had made him so tired. The melancholy he had carried throughout the year suddenly seemed like a direct product of not saying those words to Luke. Like if he had just opened up sooner, the sadness that was always creeping over his shoulder when he was out with Luke, with friends, would have been easier to endure. Because Luke would have had his back. Would have been there for him when he felt down.

Luke _had_ been there, was the thing. Through it all, he had been there. He deserved some kind of medal to the best friend in the world for that.

“You left Sydney after that?” Luke whispered, and Ashton nodded, turning to look at him, biting his lip.

“After Bec died I just had to get far, you know?” He mused. “Everyone I knew there also knew her. They all pitied me.” Ashton sniffled, suddenly aware that his eyes had welled up, looking away again and wiping his eyes. He wasn’t supposed to cry. He had already cried that morning. And yet, tears were still slowly sliding down his cheeks.

“You were in love with her.” Luke’s soft gasp made him flinch, blinking furiously as he tried in vain to stop the tears from coming.

The mattress dipped down next to him as Luke slid his way to his side, his left arm coming around Ashton’s shoulders and squeezing. His hand was stroking up and down Ashton’s arm, meant to be comforting. And comforting it was, but it also brought a new bout of tears to his eyes, Ashton sniffling repeatedly now that his nose was starting to run.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, trying to collect himself as he looked to Luke’s worried face, but the younger shook his head, squeezing his shoulders once more.

Luke stayed holding him as Ashton cried, sobs making him tremble, tears seeming to never end. He hated himself for this. He felt like he was always crying lately. But he guessed it was just part of the process. He needed to cry it out in order to move on.

There had been some time, in between him getting here and meeting Calum, where he couldn’t remember himself shedding a single tear. He now realised that had been the product of shoving his pain so far down that he hadn’t even felt the need to cry. If he didn’t let himself let any emotions out, how was he supposed to cry to relieve them? But then… Then he met Calum, and all his unresolved feelings started to surface, and the anniversary was getting closer and… Ashton felt like he had been crying for five weeks straight. Which was ironic, because they had been the happiest five weeks in Ashton’s life in a long, _long_ time _._

He sniffled one last time, wiping his eyes clean as he tried to get his breathing to calm down. Luke was still holding him, and Ashton felt awful at the notion of just how uncomfortable he had had to make the younger feel. It wasn’t like Luke was cold, Ashton was sure he was just… awkward, when it came to other people’s feelings and stuff. And having been there holding him while Ashton cried his heart out wouldn’t have to have been easy for him.

He sent him a thankful smile, Luke shaking his head again, a twin smile on his lips. He squeezed his hold on Ashton before letting go, taking in a deep breath.

“Did you tell Calum?” He asked, voice eerily quiet after the sound-fest Ashton’s sobs must have been. The older was sure it had been heard all the way down to the kitchen, and he shivered when he thought about Michael and Mali getting to hear that.

“Yeah. I told him after the day you guys were over for dinner.” The memory of that night was still fresh on his mind. He didn’t think he would forget Calum’s eyes as he took in Ashton’s sobs, held him. “I woke him up in the middle of the night, was having nightmares again about that day. There’s just some things I can’t _forget_ , you know?”

It was such a weird detail, but he still remembered the boots on the sidewalk like he was seeing it in real time. Bec’s boots… She had painted white vines on the sides, rising from the soles and wrapping around the ankle. She had been bored one afternoon during the summer. Ashton remembered that perfectly too. He had been banging his head against his desk because he couldn’t get his brain to remember the stuff he needed to know for his last exam before the break, and Bec had been painting her boots and humming, completely distracting him. And then they had been just there, on the sidewalk as Ashton’s world imploded.

He remembered her face, turning blue. Remembered the taste of the bile coming up his throat. Remembered the way the heart monitor just flatlined and didn’t get back up. There were some things he was going to remember forever.

“I am so sorry, Ashton.” Luke repeated, his eyes ever so kind.

Ashton had seen him like that when talking to families and friends of patients in the hospital. But it didn’t feel fake. If there was one thing about Luke, it was that he was great at dealing with people because he was _genuine_. For all his shying away from feelings, he was usually the one nurse people sought for advice or updates, because he was just so damn nice.

“Thank you.” Ashton sent him a smile, but it didn’t really show just how much Ashton appreciated it. Appreciated _him_.

“If, you ever want to talk…” Luke offered, coughing a little before smiling back. “You know.”

Ashton let out a small laugh, shaking his head at Luke’s inability to actually communicate with him like he did with patients.

“I know, Luke.” Ashton nodded. “I love you.”

He didn’t even wait for Luke to have time to make a face, just hugged him, hooking his chin over Luke’s shoulder.

“I hate that you make me feel stuff, man.” The blonde grunted near his ear, and Ashton just chuckled, squeezing him closer as his only answer. Luke held him tighter too before adding quietly, “I love you too, Ash.”

Ashton sighed, his hand stroking up and down on Luke’s back, basking in the hug’s comfort and the warmth running through his veins.

“I’m glad you’re here.” He mumbled against Luke’s shoulder. “Now I’ll have all my friends on this side of the world with me as the year starts.”

Luke laughed at that, tightening the hug one last time before letting go, smiling so brightly it almost hurt to look at directly.

“Excited to be here! Especially if the food is as good as you’ve been telling me.” He cackled.

“Believe me, it _is_.” Ashton assured. He didn’t know homemade meals could taste so heavenly. It was a sign that he had been living on his own for far too long.

“Then let's go!” Luke jumped up from the bed, excitedly, already starting to walk to the door when Ashton stopped him.

“Wait! I need your help with something.” Luke turned to look at him, eyebrows raised and curiosity written all over his face. “And I can't ask Calum.”

Luke arched his eyebrows, and Ashton could see the curiosity building even more behind his eyes.

“Please?”

“Okay.”

***

Two hours later, Ashton was just coming out of the bathroom cleanly shaved, his hair styled up, curls defined, dressed in tight black jeans and a burgundy button down that Ashton had always thought was way too fancy but Luke said it was perfect. The pants were tighter than he remembered, but Luke assured him it were the ones that best showed what he _‘had to offer’_. Maybe he shouldn’t have trusted Luke with his wardrobe decisions.

Or maybe it had been exactly the right thing to do, trusting him, because it got the exact reaction Ashton had been hoping for. Calum was staring at him wide-eyed from the bed, mouth hanging open and a blush that creeped all the way down to his bare chest.

“You look _hot_ , Ash. _Fuck_.” He mumbled, seemingly not even noticing he was voicing his thoughts out loud until they were out of his mouth, floating in the space between them.

Ashton felt his cheeks heating up, but he still sent a smirk towards Calum, enjoying the fact that for the first time it was Calum the one who was tongue-tied, flushed to his ears and tongue coming out to lick over his dried lips.

“Yeah?” He asked, sending a wink to Calum and enjoying it immensely when the younger boy let out an estranged noise, as if a whimper had caught up in his throat.

Calum nodded repeatedly, and Ashton watched his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Okay. He definitely had to thank Luke later. Calum seemed unable to tear his gaze away from him, and it made something stir in Ashton’s gut.

“You still have to dress Cal.” He reminded the younger boy as he made his way to his open suitcase, looking for the boots Luke had told him to wear earlier.

“Aha.” The younger mumbled, still sitting at the bed, eyes trained on Ashton, who coincidentally had been bent over trying to take out the boots.

“Stop ogling me.” Ashton laughed, focusing in the suitcase and finally picking out the shoes from beneath a couple of sweaters, putting them on the floor as he closed the suitcase.

“I can’t.”

Calum’s voice was much closer than it had been just a second ago, an undercurrent of lust clearly tinting his words and his voice so husky it made the blood in Ashton’s veins sizzle.

He straightened up just in time for Calum to grab him by the waist and plant a kiss on his mouth, a whine escaping him unintentionally at the force Calum was exerting. Never even breaking for air, the younger took Ashton by his wrists towards the nearest available flat surface, which happened to be the door to the bathroom. The older winced when the doorknob caught on his hip, but Calum was attacking his mouth viciously and it kind of made the pain fade away from his mind.

The younger was kissing him with hunger, like he couldn’t handle whatever he had seen. And, like. Ashton had looked himself in the mirror, he knew he had looked decent enough, but it seemed to have struck a major chord within Calum. The boy had his hands mapping out every inch of Ashton’s body he could, grabbing and squeezing and pinching, and Ashton could do nothing but stand there, thankful for the door behind him. Without it he would have fallen to the floor, knees weak under Calum’s attack.

When the younger finally broke the kiss to breathe, his eyes were lidded, his pupils blown, and Ashton could feel the beginnings of a hard-on against his thigh. Calum’s boxers didn’t leave anything to the imagination, either, when Ashton glanced down. The younger boy didn’t even give him a full second to take it in. He went back down on his neck, sucking and kissing and biting, making Ashton writhe beneath his weight against the door, mind spinning and breath faltering.

Calum bit him harder and Ashton let out and embarrassingly loud groan, eyes wide when the sudden realisation popped in his brain. Fuck. Mali was waiting for them downstairs. The reality of it crashed harshly on Ashton, his mind clearing up real quick when remembering just how good these walls carried sound. It absolutely sucked, having to end this, with how much he would have loved for it to keep going. For Calum to keep ravishing him while he rocked their hips together, grunting near Ashton’s ear.

“Calum.”

He had meant to sound more firm, but it just came out breathy. Calum had just bit on his sweet spot, making him see stars, his dick twitching interested inside his boxers, chubbing up. And that really wasn’t a good idea, not when he was wearing skinny jeans.

“Calum, stop.” He breathed again, his hands finding Calum’s hips and pushing him slightly away, his heart throbbing at Calum’s whine.

But the younger had gone completely still at Ashton’s words, coming out of his neck and staring down at him, eyes full of lust. And it just dawned on Ashton. He had just told him to stop, and Calum had immediately _obeyed_. Hell if that didn’t make Ashton’s cock get even harder in his jeans.

“You need to get dressed, Cal. Mali’s waiting for us downstairs.” Ashton continued, wincing at the thought of what Mali had to have surely heard.

“Oh fuck, Mali.” Calum’s eyes went comically wide, glancing to his right where the door to the stairs was, cheeks growing even a darker colour than they already were after their little tryst.

“I know.” Ashton nodded, his own cheeks reddening.

A little laugh made its way up his throat, Ashton letting it out, embarrassed. But soon enough Calum was giggling too, hiding his face on the same side of Ashton’s neck he had been sucking on before. Ashton raised his hand to cradle the younger’s head, still laughing.

“Please, tell me you didn’t have time to leave a huge hickey on me, babe.” He mumbled through the giggles, Calum leaning away and studying his neck. He was looking guilty as fuck, his lips drawing into a smile as his eyes locked on Ashton’s.

“It’s not that big…?” Calum whispered, trying to look contrite, but he snorted, his hands coming up to stifle his laughter.

Ashton let out a groan as he snaked a hand to his back where the doorknob was, opening the door quickly and rushing towards the mirror.

There was only redness. No lovebite.

“What the hell, Calum!” He turned to look at the younger who was laughing his ass off, his eyes crinkling and… Were those fucking _tears_?

“I’m really sorry.” He said in between laughs, hand reaching up to wipe some real tears out of the corners of his eyes. The little shit. “I just thought it would be funny to watch you lose it over a love bite. And it _was_.” Ashton sent him a look, slightly pissed, and Calum’s laughter stopped in a second. “Sorry.” He mumbled.

And it was time for Ashton to start laughing.

“It doesn’t matter. I’d have been more pissed if you _had_ left a hickey.” He giggled.

Calum’s smile completely transformed at that, something flirty about it that didn’t really give Ashton a good feeling.

“Yeah? Would you have _punished_ me?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows, and Ashton just groaned. Calum really was too much sometimes.

“You’re going to be the death of me, I swear.” He muttered under his breath, turning his face away when Calum came to hug him.

“Are you not going to kiss me now?”

Ashton heard the pout even when he wasn’t facing him, and the fact that _that_ was the thing that made him crumble and turn to face Calum again spoke of just how deep in this he was. It was ridiculous how gone he was for the boy already.

“I will never not want to kiss you.” He mumbled, his eyes soft as he looked into Calum's, heart soaring on his chest when Calum nuzzled his nose. He thought the boy was going to go for a kiss, but the younger only smiled pecked him on the cheek, hugging him closer after that.

“I will hold you to that, Ashton Irwin.”

***

Dinner had been delicious, but it had finished over half an hour ago, and they still had some three more to go before midnight. Ashton was already slightly sleepy, head pillowed on Calum’s shoulder when Michael suggested they play something as the fire sizzled in the fireplace.

Michael’s parents had been nothing if not welcoming, both so extremely polite and _normal_ that the picture of them next to a blue-haired Michael dressed with a band t-shirt (he had refused to actually wear the upper suit) over the kilt was bizarre. Well, no more bizarre than the day of Ashton’s first date with Calum. That unicorn onesie still plagued Ashton’s nightmares.

And Calum… God. Calum looked… He looked fucking _hot_ in that kilt, is what he looked. Ashton had felt his resolve to not do anything before dinner crumbling away as soon as he laid eyes on Calum completely suited up in his kilt, fitted shirt, waistcoat and jacket. He had wanted more than anything to hold him back by the waist and kiss him senseless against the door as Calum had done with him, but… He had refrained himself. He had had to.

Mali had been waiting for them seated on the last step of the stairs when they finally came down. She had even eyed them smugly from her seat as they walked by, knowing smile on her face. It was clear she had known if it hadn’t been for her the other two would have been doing something else before walking to dinner. Thank god she didn’t know she had kind of cockblocked them that morning as well.

She had ruffled Calum’s hair fondly as she got up and smirked at them all the way down to Michael’s house, not really commenting anything, but saying everything nonetheless. 

And now, after a huge, delicious dinner, Michael was setting up his old PlayStation 2 with its USB camera on his TV, an old box full of games in between the other four who were trying to decide what to play as Grace’s station played on the background. Both Calum’s and Michael’s parents were having some whisky back in the dining room.

“I say we play Just Dance.” Mali smirked from the corner of the sofa, wiggling her eyebrows at Calum.

“I’m not making an ass of myself in front of my boyfriend.” He scowled, and Ashton snorted. “Shut up, I meant dancing.”

“I know you meant dancing.” He snickered, his hand sliding down Calum’s arm he had been clutching until he reached his hand, lacing their fingers together. Calum rolled his eyes, but he still turned his head to leave a kiss on Ashton’s curls, squeezing his hand.

“You’re going to make an ass out of yourself no matter what we play, Cal.” Mali pressed, eyes challenging. “We can try Crash Team Racing if you prefer not to dance. I always beat you at that.” Her smirk had turned to evil now, actually starting to scare Ashton off. He needed to be on her team, whatever they played.

“Can I be on your team?” He pipped in quickly, raising his head from Calum’s shoulder, Mali laughing but nodding nonetheless.

“What about me?” His boyfriend pouted.

“I want to win.”

At that Calum raised his eyebrows, eyes wide. Ashton feared he had just fucked up, but Calum gave his hand a squeeze before turning to Luke.

“Hey, Luke, what do you say we beat these two?” He asked with his best smile, the one that Ashton was sure the boy used to get whatever he wanted –and it _worked–_ , and Luke just snorted from where he was kneeling on the floor, still browsing through Michael’s collection.

“I’m up for it.” Luke laughed, offering his fist and waiting for Calum to bump it.

“So I’m teamless, then?” Michael inquired, his head hidden behind the TV as he tried to connect everything.

“You’ve been playing this shit since you were 6, Mikey. You don’t need help.” Mali supplied.

“Touché.”

“Oh shit, I haven’t played EyeToy since last decade.” Luke laughed, still peering over the box, checking different games. “How long since you last played that?”

“Not that long.” Michael huffed, trying to connect the HDMI converter to the TV without it falling on top of his head. “Good thing about PS2 games right now? Their prices are below five quid each. They’re practically bargains.”

“Are you saying you’re still buying PS2 games?” Ashton laughed.

“He’s saying he’s stocking on PS1 and PS2 games before they become _‘mainstream vintage’_.” Calum intervened, shaking his head.

“And what’s wrong with that?” Michael rebutted as he finally came from behind the TV, pressing the on button and waiting for it to start functioning. “There’s people paying 3000 quid for original Atari games. By 2040 I may earn some shit.”

“As if.” Mali snorted. “You would never sell them, Mike. Don’t kid yourself.”

“You don’t know that.” Michael huffed, sliding on his butt towards Luke and taking the game out of his hands, inserting it on the console.

Mali was looking at him with raised eyebrows. Well, they all were. Michael didn’t seem like the type to ever sell this kind of stuff. He collected it because he liked it, not because he thought he could make a profit out of it some day. Ashton knew all of them were thinking that, but none of them really said it out loud. Let Michael kid himself how he wanted to.

“So it is EyeToy, then?” He asked, looking at Michael with the controller.

“It’s the easiest if we all want to play.” Michael scrunched up his nose, eyes glancing to the radio propped up on the shelf above the TV, something akin to sadness tinting his eyes for a second. But he recovered quickly. “Have you played?”

“Can’t say I have, no.” Ashton laughed, and three pair of eyes turned to look at him.

“How can you _not_ have played, ever?” Luke prompted from his left.

“I never had a PlayStation and the friends I had didn’t have these games…?” He trailed off.

Luke’s eyes widened and Ashton knew the younger was about to do something ridiculous like apologise, but thank god, Mali cut in swiftly.

“Well, it’s fun. It’s these mini-games, we each have a character, and the game mixes us up to compete in twos. It’s like–” She turned to Calum, sticking her tongue at him before finishing, “–you have to make an _ass of yourself_ for the camera to recognise your movements. You’ll get the hang of it easy.” She smiled at him, her eyes kind.

Calum nodded at the explanation, leaving another kiss on his cheek before Michael finally announced they needed to take pictures for the avatars, all of them fighting to get into the shot first.

In the end, Mali and Ashton went first, Mali jumping up onto Ashton’s back on piggyback and both of them squeezing their faces into the space available, grinning like idiots as the camera took the pics. Luke and Calum took a different route, standing back to back and just doing stupid ass poses. Michael went ahead and picked an already made avatar with what looked like his 11-year-old self with sunglasses. It made them all crack up, Calum not so subtly taking a vid of it and going ahead sending it to Grace.

It was fun after that, playing game after game, Ashton taking turns with Mali to play, and all of them just epically losing to Michael in each and every game. Well. They were. Until they got to this game of washing windows, where Michael seemed to start struggling, more focused on keeping his kilt from flopping than the game itself. Calum and Luke claimed victory in that one, doing one window in turns while Michael pouted in a corner saying it wasn’t fair, he had had to play all by himself all the windows.

Ashton made sure to take out his phone and record Calum waving his arms around like a mad-man trying to clean everything as quickly as possible. It was kind of funny, his kilt flopping around and him screaming that the jacket didn’t let him raise his arms a certain height, so he proceeded to shake it off for the next window. Ashton’s cheeks filled with heat with each movement Calum did. _Goddamn_. That shirt fit him like a glove, and it was making everything hotter than it should have.

Mali not so subtly elbowed him in the ribs, snorting as Ashton realised he had been staring with his mouth open at Calum, and hadn’t even noticed Michael calling him for the next game.

After that the night went on faster than he realised, mini-games keeping them entertained much more than Ashton would have guessed. Michael hadn’t even mentioned alcohol yet, which was kind of surprising.

Calum had just excused himself to go call some classmate to wish him a New Year before the phone call madness struck, picking up his jacket and heading outside. Ashton stayed looking at the door like a creep waiting for him to come back. But Calum didn’t walk back into the living room, instead going straight to the loo, hand reaching up to comb some curls back. Ashton felt himself getting up and following him without him even realising he was doing it. He only came about when he was already standing in front of the bathroom door waiting for Calum to come out. He felt drunk on something even when not a single drop of alcohol had made its way into his system yet.

Ashton hadn’t even meant to scare Calum by standing right outside the bathroom, but the younger still cursed at him, surprised, lifting up a hand to his chest as he came out to find Ashton just staring at him, eyes hungry and tongue actually licking his lips in anticipation.

“Hey there. You needed the loo too?” The black-haired boy asked, scratching his neck. The movement made his barely tucked in shirt after all the exercise in front of the screen rise up a little bit. A small patch of skin came into view and made Ashton’s eyes zero in on it, blood pumping faster through his veins.

“No. I don’t need the loo.” He muttered, his eyes travelling lower towards Calum’s legs peeking out of the kilt, his strong calves making him feel something hot burning in his gut. Calum would never know how grateful Ashton was at the fact that he biked every day to and from uni. Those legs… _Oh god._

“Ash?” Calum sounded confused, almost concerned, making Ashton tear his gaze away from his legs, raking Calum’s body as his eyes travelled up, fixing on the boy’s.

“You know what?” He started, already licking his lips at the blush in Calum’s cheeks, at the way the younger was biting his lower lip. “I was thinking… you should maybe wear a kilt more often. You know?” He smiled, stepping up closer and making Calum walk back until his back hit the wall. Then he raised his hands, tracing his way lightly from Calum’s belly button until they bunched themselves on the boy’s lapels, tugging on them so that Calum’s lips were just a breath away from his. “With this jacket. Or any suit jacket.”

Calum smirked, seeming to realise what Ashton was getting at, but he still chose to play dumb. Ashton knew he _chose_ it.

“Why? The jacket’s mighty uncomfortable. I can’t even raise my arms above my head without ripping it in half. Look.” He took Ashton’s hands in his, flipping them around and making Ashton’s breath punch out of him when his back hit the wall. Calum was starting to raise them above Ashton’s head, not getting that much higher due to the jacket being pulled tight over his back, the seams on the sleeves clearly stretching more than they should have been.

“Okay. You look way too hot right now.” Ashton blurted out, his voice catching at the end of the sentence, Calum pressing harder on his wrists. “The jacket, and the shirt, and the _kilt_ …” He whispered, his eyes travelling down as he talked, whining when Calum pressed closer against him, pushing him further up the wall. “It’s not _fair_.”

Calum let out a grunt, leaning in and making Ashton’s breath hitch when he pressed his lips just below his ear.

“I’m not the only one who looks hot, _baby_.” Calum whispered and Ashton felt a shiver ran all the way down to his groin, his knees buckling and weight falling into Calum like he was a rag doll. Thank god the younger boy was still holding him against the wall.

“Say that again.” Ashton pleaded, his eyes closed as he felt Calum’s breath on his neck. But the younger came out of it to look at his eyes, curiosity making his eyebrows draw in.

“What? Baby?”

“Yeah.” Ashton exhaled.

His head was spinning because Calum was still holding his wrists up and they were in the middle of the hallway and anyone could come in a see. He was literally hearing Michael and Luke bickering in the living room and the clinking of plates coming from what he supposed was the kitchen at the end of the hall. He didn’t know if that was making him feel hotter or that was just the nervousness at being caught manifesting itself in the form of sweat. It wasn’t like he wanted any of Calum’s family members to suddenly walk in on them –and yeah, he was counting Michael and his parents as Calum’s family–. It wouldn’t make the best impression.

And yet he still felt himself arching against Calum, a shiver shooting up his spine when he felt Calum’s hard-on pressed tight against his thigh. Ashton was starting to feel impressed just at how fast Calum rose to the occasion every time. It was an interesting fact he could maybe play with.

“So you like pet names.” Calum whispered, his eyes also carefully surveying both ends of the hall.

“It’s… sexy hearing you say them.” Ashton mumbled back looking him in the eye before adding in a lower voice, “It kind of makes my heart go crazy.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I can feel it even through your clothes.” Calum laughed softly, his eyes cutely crinkling for a moment, taking Ashton away from the moment and making him giggle too. But then Calum was crowding in again, his eyes growing darker as he gently raked his teeth up Ashton’s neck towards his earlobe, giving it a light bite. “I can call you _baby_ whenever you want, Ash.”

“ _Fuck_.” Ashton whimpered, his knees buckling even more and his body sagging against Calum’s. He was breathing hard and fast, and right now there was kind of only one thing he wanted to do, and they couldn’t do it _here_. “Calum.” He whispered urgently, the boy immediately letting go of his wrists, worried that he may have hurt Ashton.

“Are you okay? Did I press too hard?” He asked quickly, his eyes and fingers nimbly examining Ashton’s wrists as he laid gentle kisses on them. The older turned them around, though, grabbing Calum’s hands and squeezing, making him look up.

“I want to be with you.” Ashton whispered, eyes fixed on Calum’s.

“You’re already with me, Ash.”

“No.” He whispered, squeezing the younger’s hands a tad harder. “Cal, I _need_ to be with you.”

Calum’s eyes darted between his own, worrying his bottom lip as he came back closer, his nose rubbing tenderly against Ashton’s for a moment.

“Ash.” He said quietly, his eyes doubtful. “Are you sure?”

Ashton started nodding before even answering.

“Yes. We talked about it this morning.” He leaned forward, kissing Calum lightly before leaning back out, searching for his eyes again. “Come on.”

He tugged on Calum’s hands slipping out from under his weight and starting to walk towards the front door.

“What? Right _now_?” Calum hissed, seemingly mindful of his tone now that they had stopped just in front of the door to the living room. “I thought you meant tonight, after. We can’t just _leave_. I have to be here at midnight.” He murmured, his eyes nervously darting inside where Mali was playing the kung fu mini-game now, Luke cheering her on from the sofa as Michael added another log to the fire.

“Come on. We can come back in time.” Ashton whispered back, his eyes darting quickly inside too, actually crossing with Luke’s for a second.

“I have to be back for first footing.”

“I know. That’s still two hours away. We can be back in time for that _for sure_.”

“Yeah? You think you can make me come that fast?” Calum smirked at him, causing Ashton to choke on his own spit and start coughing, colour rushing to his cheeks so fast he was sure he looked like a tomato. “Everyone’s going to know where we went.” The younger added, this time his tone serious, his eyes worriedly searching Ashton’s.

“Do you care?” He asked Calum just as serious, biting his lower lip.

“Not really.” The other boy shrugged. “My parents already think we’ve been fucking the whole week.”

“ _What._ ” It was Ashton’s time to hiss, thinking back to every time he had crossed Calum’s parents on the halls of the house, thinking back to the way they had talked to him and such. What did they think of him? Having sex with their youngest under their own roof _._ Oh god. It was best not to even think about it, and certainly best not to do it right now. “You know what, I don’t want to know why you think they think that.” He shook his head as an awkward shiver run through him.

Calum was looking back to the living room, Michael having replaced Mali in front of the screen, trying to copy the character’s dance slightly unsuccessfully. Calum had an expression on his face that Ashton couldn’t really read right now, and he suddenly realised he had just taken for granted that Calum wouldn’t deny sex. But maybe he was wrong and Calum would prefer to just stay here.

“Hey.” He tugged on Calum’s hand again, getting his attention back.

“Let’s go.” Calum smiled at him, moving to the door, but the older stopped him, tugging his hand back.

“I didn’t even ask you, Cal. Do you want to go? Honestly?” Ashton was back at worrying his lower lip, perhaps chewing on it way too hard. He could taste blood.

“What?” The younger laughed, crowding against him.

“We can stay and keep playing. I don’t want to go if you don’t want to go.” Ashton tried to explain, but even as he was talking he knew it would sound confusing as hell. “I just assumed you wanted to go based on your–” Ashton nodded towards Calum’s crotch, “– reaction. But I didn’t ask.”

At that Calum laughed a bit harder but his eyes grew soft, one of his hands coming to stroke Ashton’s cheek.

“I want to, don’t worry.” He leaned forward and pecked Ashton’s lips, smile growing against them as he finished it, Ashton’s own lips mirroring it. “And it’s incredibly sweet that you stopped me and asked.” He added, hand still stroking his cheek.

“Don’t mock me.” Ashton whined. “I wasn’t sure, okay? I wanted confirmation.” He pouted, and Calum kissed the pout off his lips, even going as far as deepening the kiss and slipping his tongue inside Ashton’s mouth, making the older’s heart go back to beating ten thousand miles an hour and his head spin in just a second.

“Can we go now?” Calum asked, his voice clearly affected by the kiss. It was lower than just a minute ago, his pupils already bigger than usual.

Ashton’s eyes crossed with Luke’s once more as the blond got up to swap places with Mike. The younger just gave him a thumbs up and sent them a smirk, making the blush on Ashton’s cheeks burn hotter, but at least someone would cover up for them.

“Yeah. Yeah.” He answered Calum, swallowing dry as his eyes locked back on the younger’s.

“Okay. Then let’s go.” Calum didn’t wait this time, walking directly to the door and starting to lead them back up the street to his house. However, he suddenly stopped in the middle of the street, worried look on his face as he turned to look back at Ashton. “In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t think any anal’s in for tonight. There’s no time.”

Ashton looked around to see if anyone had heard the way too explicit words, but the street was deserted.

“I know. I wouldn’t want to rush that.” He assured the younger, tugging on his hand until Calum took a step closer, Ashton nuzzling his nose tenderly. “I honestly don’t care what we do, Cal. Just need to be with you.”

The younger’s face changed at that, his eyes growing soft and misty, his last intake of breath leaving his lips slightly parted as his cheeks went pink.

“Okay.” Calum smiled softly, his eyes cutely shying away from Ashton’s now as he started to walk again.

Ashton followed his pace a few steps, but then he was tugging back on his hand hard enough that Calum lost his footing, Ashton catching him in his arms and going straight for his mouth, kissing him soundly, trying to convey what he felt. He slowed down the kiss once Calum had regained balance, breathing the younger in as his own head became dizzy, warmth unfurling in his chest when Calum’s hand over his chest bunched up on the material of his shirt.

He let the kiss end naturally, dissolving into little pecks in between breaths, Calum starting to laugh against his lips.

“If you keep tugging on my hand to make me stop walking so we can kiss, we’re never going to make it to my house, Ash.” He chuckled.

“Shut up.” Ashton mumbled. “And kiss me.”

“Yes, sir.”

***

They had just come out of the shower, Ashton throwing Calum into the bed as he climbed on top of him, the younger’s hands a stark contrast against his duvet.

“I fucking love you with your nails black.” He whispered in his ear before he started a trail of kisses down Calum’s arm, picking up his hand and dropping a kiss on the back Calum’s fingers. “It’s so hot.”

Calum whimpered beneath him, his eyes trying to focus on Ashton’s, but the older had already snaked another hand towards his cock and was palming it lightly.

“It’s like you knew what that would do to me.” Ashton grunted.

He held Calum more firmly after that, giving him a squeeze and relishing when it made the younger arch his back, groaning, his thighs rubbing up against Ashton’s own cock. He had to bite back a moan, focus on Calum. They were both incredibly hard already, steamy shower having helped in setting the mood, exploring hands and kisses had gotten them almost desperate to the point of wanting to chase it hard and fast, frantic with the need to come, to make _each other_ come.

The younger’s thighs were already a mess of red and purple lovebites flourishing like flowers on his dark skin. Ashton hadn’t been able to help himself. Once they had been inside the house, he hadn’t even waited for them to get upstairs. He had pushed Calum against the nearest wall as he had dropped down to his knees, praising whoever invented kilts for their quick access. Calum had looked down at him with his eyes lidded as Ashton started leaving open-mouthed kisses just up above the knee, slowly sliding the kilt upwards and sucking and biting with more purpose the higher the got, the closer he got to Calum’s crotch. The younger had tried to bunch his hands on Ashton’s hair, but just a grunt from Ashton and his hands had fallen lifeless at his sides, his whole body surrendering and moans escaping him the closer Ashton got to his cock. But the older had another thing in mind, so he stopped abruptly just as he was about to mouth at the head of Calum’s dick, a shiver running up his spine when the younger whimpered and moved his hips forward, trying to chase Ashton’s mouth.

He had grabbed Calum’s hand then, leading him upstairs and into his bathroom. Calum was right, they didn’t have time for full on anal sex tonight, but that didn’t mean Ashton couldn’t make the most of other stuff.

Stuff like what he was about to do now, his kisses slowly going lower and lower down Calum’s chest and to his hips, dropping a light kiss on both sides before he looked back up to Calum’s face, his hand coming to a stop on Calum’s dick. The boy was completely red, hair ruffled and pupils blown, his chest going up and down like he had just run a marathon as he peered down at the older, propped up on his elbows. He looked gorgeous, lying there naked, tattoos on display and that little smile Ashton knew meant trouble. He wanted to make Calum writhe and moan and scream, wanted Calum to lose himself fully in the pleasure. 

“Ash?” He said. His eyes were glancing poignantly between Ashton’s eyes and his own dick, still in the older’s hand.

“Yeah?”

“How fast did you say you could make me come?” Calum smirked, eyebrows raised.

Ashton just groaned, starting to jack him off again, eyes still locked with Calum’s as he licked a first strip up his cock, taking the tip into his mouth and sucking hard. Watching Calum’s smirk give out to the most delicious moan Ashton had ever heard from him, eyes closing and body shuddering, was the best thing ever after that comment. He kept his gaze locked on Calum as he sucked and kissed and licked, his hand moving up and down without a pause, the younger writhing underneath him.

Ashton sneaked his free hand down the younger’s inner thigh, a barely there caress as he toyed with the head of Calum’s cock, teasing the slit with his tongue. Calum was letting out full on whimpers, spurring him on, making his own cock kick at the thought of Calum feeling this good because of him. The younger wasn’t even able to form a coherent sentence anymore, only grunts and moans and whimpers escaping past his lips as he took what Ashton had to give him, just laying there, taking it, and that was making Ashton’s cock harder every second passing. Calum had started to fidget underneath him, his hips bucking up towards Ashton’s mouth, even going as far as grabbing a handful of Ashton’s hair and pushing his head down, choking him.

Ashton coughed around his cock, the sound seemingly having woken Calum from the trance he had been in, the boy sitting up, worry seeping rapidly into his eyes. But Ashton just nodded to him, his eyes trying to convey that he was okay, that Calum could go on. He knew the younger had been close, and he surprisingly hadn’t really minded much him fucking his mouth. It had been... _hot_.

“You can do it again, Cal.” He croaked out when Calum didn’t seem to understand his look, his voice broken even when he hadn’t even been going down on Calum that long. It had been a _long_ while since he last gave a blowjob, and it was showing.

“But–”

“I liked it.” Ashton assured him, his hand coming up to where Calum was still holding a bunch of his hair, tightening his hold and directing himself again to Calum’s dick, a mess of spit and precome already, angry red at the top. Ashton’s knees gave out a little at the sight, his tongue coming out to lick his lips, the hand holding Calum’s releasing it so he could squeeze himself.

And then he felt Calum tugging on his hair, directing him straight for his cock, feeding it to him in a way that made Ashton want to rut the sheets, but Calum’s whine when he started swirling his tongue around his shaft had him forgetting about anything that didn’t include making the boy cum.

Ashton drew his hand up from his dick to try to add to the younger’s pleasure, his thumb starting to massage Calum’s perineum as he redoubled his efforts sucking and licking at the head of his cock. Calum hips bucked up at that, so he must have done something right.

It didn’t take long after that for Calum to start thrusting up again, his hand growing tighter and tighter on Ashton’s hair, his moans growing louder. He was fidgeting too, signalling that he was about to come. Ashton sneaked his thumb towards his hole, lightly pressing in as he sucked eagerly on Calum’s cock, the boy groaning low above him at it, his hips chasing for release fast and hard.

Ashton felt him coming just a smidge of a second before Calum’s cum flooded his mouth, giving a hard suck to help him along. The younger kept rocking up against his mouth a few more seconds as Ashton sucked him through it, swallowing quickly and licking gingerly around the head until he felt Calum’s hand on his hair pull him away, oversensitive as he was.

“Thanks.” He heard Calum panting above him, making him break out giggling at the absurdity of it.

“You’re thanking me for sucking you off?” He nudged his nose against Calum’s slowly softening dick, dropping a chaste kiss at the head, the younger whimpering at it.

“It’s called being polite.” Calum laughed weakly, making Ashton’s giggles double.

“Well, you’re going to be stuck being polite for a while.” He answered, Calum’s eyes shining when he peered down at him mirroring his own.

Ashton dropped more kisses as he made his way up, stopping right above Calum’s heart and pressing his lips there in a soft kiss, Calum’s arm coming around his back and stroking up and down slowly. He sighed against the younger’s skin before finishing his way up, crowding against him and taking in his tousled hair and red cheeks, the way he was still panting, eyes closed, but a smile on his lips as brilliant as the moonlight shining through the window just above their heads. Ashton’s heart squeezed at just how good Calum looked, something warm spreading through his body like wildfire that had absolutely nothing to do with how hard he still was. He nuzzled Calum’s nose, leaning down for a kiss when Calum puckered his lips, breathing the younger in, his hands anchoring themselves on Calum’s hips, squeezing them.

“I just need a second.” Calum whispered against his mouth, his breath coming out in puffs but his heart rate calming down, his eyes finally opening as Calum leaned down for another peck.

“I’m not in a hurry, Cal.” He giggled softly, content with just gazing down at Calum, brushing his hair away from his face.

“Tell that to that thing poking my stomach.” The younger laughed breathily, his eyes crinkling up as he looked at him.

“That _thing_ can wait.” Ashton scrunched up his face.

Yeah, he had been hard for what felt like hours now. Yes, he had been waiting for Calum to get a hand on his cock since probably that morning. But because of that, because he had already _waited_ , he could wait just a little bit more, wait for Calum to at least catch his breath before demanding anything of him.

He lay there, dropping kisses on Calum’s face and neck and shoulder and everywhere he could reach for a couple more minutes, until Calum playfully swatted him away as he flipped them on the bed, straddling him.

“How do you want it?” Calum smiled down at him, hand sneaking down to fist Ashton’s cock, already starting to jack him off, movements slow but deliberate, his thumb brushing up Ashton’s sensitive head and making him hiss.

“Just, whatever you want, Cal.” He whined, his hips arching up against Calum’s, fucking up against his fist. It hadn’t even been half a minute of Calum’s hand touching him and Ashton was already dizzy, his heart going a thousand beats per minute and the need to come eclipsing every other thought in his mind. And all because of Calum. “I don’t care, do whatever. It’s the fact that I’m with _you_ that’s getting me off.”

Calum squeezed his cock at that, making him moan, before looking down at him, evil smirk on his face.

“So I have free rein?”

“Just get me off.” Ashton demanded, although his breathy voice made it sound more like a plea.

He wasn’t picky, really. Calum was on top of him, hand still jerking him slowly, and he certainly didn’t care how. He could even just rut against Calum’s thigh and he would be done in less than a minute if he just had Calum there talking to him.

But the younger suddenly got off of him, sliding down the bed and running to the bathroom, leaving him to stare at him, gaping.

“What the hell are you doing?” He shouted indignantly, right hand going down to his dick and picking up where Calum had left off.

Calum didn’t answer him, rummaging through his cabinet, but Ashton didn’t have to wait much for the boy to meet him back in the bed, some bottle on his hand as he climbed back, showing it to him.

“You said I had free rein.” He smirked, leaning forward and pecking him, Ashton distractedly returning it as he heard Calum popping open the bottle.

“Just get to it.” He sighed as they parted, falling back down on the bed.

Calum didn’t have to be told twice, his left hand replacing Ashton’s on his cock after coating his right fingers with lube, warming it up a little before slowly sliding his finger between Ashton’s cheeks, already making him shiver and moan at the feeling.

Ashton hadn’t had anyone else but himself finger him for _years_. This felt… It felt amazing. Calum hadn’t even started properly fingering him, only slightly pressing against his hole and Ashton was already squirming, fucking up into Calum’s hand, his own hand flying up to his mouth so he could muffle his sounds. But Calum had done something with his hand just then, twisting it just right, making him groan louder than he even had heard the boy moaning before, Calum taking the chance to slip his index inside, and…

The hand covering his mouth hadn’t done much to quiet the scream that tore out of him when Calum had started properly finger fucking him. Ashton’s ass was clenching on his finger as he shuddered, a shiver shooting down his spine with every rough pull of Calum’s hand on his cock, with the gradually building pressure against his prostate making him whine, his head spinning and breath faltering. He was close, closer than he would have liked, because this felt amazing and Ashton would have loved for it to go on just a little bit longer.

Calum’s eyes crossed with his in the midst of it, and the younger must have known he was ready to blow, because he lowered himself over Ashton, keeping up his pace on both ends how he could as he leant down for a kiss. Ashton moaned against his lips, his hands coming up to root themselves on Calum’s hair, pulling, swallowing the moans it brought out of the boy as his hands stilled for a millisecond before going back twice the speed.

Their lips were still brushing against each other's, Ashton's hands cradling Calum's head and keeping their foreheads together, their eyes locked. Ashton could feel Calum's index prodding next to the other on his entrance, his eyes asking for permission. Ashton nodded and… as soon as Calum slipped it inside his body tensed up, going taut under Calum and his ass clenching on his fingers as pleasure shot through him like lightning, cum messing Calum's hand and their tummies as the younger squeezed him as if he was trying to milk even the last drop out.

He didn't know if it had been the added thickness on his ass with Calum's index finger joining the first one, the way that Calum had swiped his thumb over the slit of his cock or the way Calum had kept holding his gaze throughout, it had probably been a combination of them all what drove him through the edge, leaving him a heap in bed. Calum was kissing him sweetly now, having let himself fall down against his body. Ashton didn't even care about the cum covering them both, he felt dizzy still, his thoughts swimming in his head as Calum kept robbing him of air. He felt content.

***

When they both regained their breath, lips numb from kissing, Calum left a peck on his temple before getting out of bed and padding to the bathroom. Ashton shivered, immediately missing his warmth on top of him, but Calum didn’t take long. He heard the tap close off and Calum appeared through the door again, walking back to the bed and offering Ashton a warm washcloth so the older could clean himself.

He was finishing doing so when Calum noticed him shivering, worrying his lip as he looked around the room, their clothes strewn everywhere. The boy finally seemed to locate whatever he was searching for, leaning across Ashton’s lap and crawling his way to the edge of the bed, peering over it, hand stretching before him.

Ashton observed him mildly amused from his place, the younger trying to reach for their boxers on the floor, half his body dangling on the air out of the mattress. It made Ashton fear Calum ending up face first on the floor, so he reached out his hands to hold his hips, Calum shooting him a quick _thanks_ as he gave one last stretch, finally fishing both boxers. He crawled back, passing Ashton a pair without even looking who they belonged to as he fell to his back sliding the undies up his legs.

Ashton copied him, small yawn escaping him and causing Calum to giggle at him. The younger had gone ahead and draped Ashton’s throw over them, coaching Ashton onto his back and then settling his head on the older’s shoulder as if he was preparing for sleep. Ashton felt so tired he wouldn’t have minded a nap, but it was ten to eleven, and they couldn’t really afford it. They could, however, lay there for a while. He squeezed Calum closer, suddenly overwhelmed by the surge of feelings on his chest, Calum squeezing right back and turning his face up for a kiss, his eyes shining back with the same emotion. Ashton had always felt the need for cuddling after sex, and today he was feeling specially emotional, he didn’t know why.

Except. He _did_.

Those feelings he had for Calum that made his heart go crazy, his head start spinning just at the sound of Calum’s laughter; those feelings deep in his gut when Calum’s eyes looked into his… They were swimming right now in his chest like nothing else. Ashton felt completely _raw_. And sex only made those feels feel _rawer_ , his heart flayed open, vulnerable to any and everything around him.

But Calum… Calum was here, holding him close. Calum was drawing invisible lines on his chest, his breath hitting Ashton’s neck in a calming rhythm. He was pressing kisses every so often to the skin where his neck and his shoulder met, too, sweetly, like he didn’t want to disturb the silence. Calum’s was there with him.

Ashton’s eyes travelled over the throw covering them, trying to distract himself to avoid crying. He was just now realising the sheer amount of different blues it was made of. It seemed like there were more shades than he had noticed at first glance, blues so similar to others that it was difficult to distinguish them, but they could still stand on their own. And yet…

Despite the blues, or better yet, because of them… The thing that always got him was how hidden was the gold if you didn’t know it was there at first, and how bright it shone amongst them once it caught the moonlight. It seemed so different next to all the blues… And yet; it held everything together. The throw was blue, but the star of the show was gold.

They stayed there for what felt like hours and seconds at the same time, real time tasting awfully short in Ashton’s mouth. Calum got up, sliding underneath the older’s arm that had been holding him close, but he didn’t go for his clothes. Not yet. Instead, he knelt in front of the cupboards that mostly held his comic and books collection –the ones Ashton hadn’t taken out or weren’t piled up on the floor or on the shelves–. Ashton couldn’t see what he was doing from his place, so he crawled his way to the edge of the bed, peering over Calum’s shoulder and gasping.

“I can’t believe you actually have one of those.” He gushed, excited as Calum opened the upper case of an old record-player, turning it on.

“It was –actually still is– my dad’s.” He laughed, shaking his head as he wiped it clean with a rug that had been on top. He turned to look at Ashton, a smirk on his face that made Ashton crack up. “I made a very compelling argument as to why I should have it in my room after I fixed it up a few years ago.”

“How have we not been listening to this the whole week?” Ashton snorted, shaking his head too, Calum just shrugging before getting back to it. The older couldn’t believe how they had been here a week and Calum had never even thought of playing some music. He wouldn’t have been able to resist if he had known earlier.

“I can’t really concentrate with music on, so I didn’t say.” Calum commented, Ashton finally getting it.

The younger was now browsing through LPs from a box next to the record-player, clearly looking for a specific one.

“Can I help you look?” Ashton asked, peering again over Calum’s shoulder, but the boy swatted him away.

“No. Go back to bed.” He mumbled, his fingers still flipping LP after LP. He stopped at one, a smaller record, maybe a single, his back hiding it from Ashton’s view once Calum turned it over. “Here it is.”

“Which one are you putting on?” Ashton asked again as Calum took the vinyl out and set it on the record-player, taking the needle and carefully placing it on the record despite how his hands were shaking. Ashton arched his eyebrows at that as Calum started to regulate the volume, taking a deep breath before he stood up and offered Ashton his hand.

“It’s a surprise.” He smiled at him, although there was something like a nervous tilt to it, his hand squeezing Ashton’s as soon as the older took it, climbing down from the bed and following Calum to the centre of the room where the ceiling was higher.

“You like surprises too much.” Ashton huffed, but still gave into Calum’s silent request to dance, smiling.

To _what_ Calum wanted them to dance, he still didn’t know, because there was only white noise coming from the record-player. The younger snaked a hand around his waist, the one holding Ashton’s raising it to leave a kiss on his knuckles, releasing it and going back down to circle his waist, holding him closer. Ashton’s heart was already beating fast on his chest with only the kiss, so he drew his arms up, laying them on Calum’s shoulders trying to ground himself. His right hand combed through the younger’s hair, nails scratching softly how he knew Calum liked, trying to calm him, but the younger’s nervousness only seemed to escalate.

Ashton didn’t know why he was getting so fidgety, his eyes casting nervous glances towards the spinning record as if willing it to start the song. He was slightly trembling beneath Ashton’s arms, his eyes avoiding the older’s. Ashton leaned forward, leaving a kiss on the corner of his mouth, nuzzling him afterwards trying to soothe him. He heard Calum taking a deep breath, finally looking into his eyes and then…

And then the music started playing, this time Ashton being the one turning to jello, his knees giving out beneath him because…

Because the first bars of Elvis’ _Can’t Help Falling in Love With You_ started playing, Calum holding him closer, his forehead leaning forward as his eyes held Ashton’s gaze.

“ _Wise men say only fools rush in,–_ ” Calum begun, his voice no louder but a whisper and shaky. He was trembling under Ashton’s arms still, starting to sway and taking a deep breath before singing, _“–but I can’t help falling in love with you.”_

But Ashton couldn’t see him properly. Not with how much his eyes had suddenly filled with tears ready to fall out. He tried to blink them away, tried to clear his gaze as Calum kept singing; kept looking at him like that; kept making his breath fall short, the feelings in his chest exploding sending hot bursts of something molten through his arteries, warming him up entirely and still leaving him shivering in the middle of that room.

Elvis’ voice moved on to another verse, Calum quietly humming along to it, his own eyes misty as they held Ashton’s gaze, his arms drawing him close until the older was able to feel his heart beat through his skin, pressed tight against his own chest as they both swayed under the moonlight. Ashton was already sniffling by the time Calum started singing to him again, along with the record but drowning out everything else around them. His voice and his eyes were the only thing Ashton’s brain could register right at that moment, his sole focus.

The younger was swinging them both to the rhythm of the song, his breath hitting Ashton’s lips as he sang, and sang, and sang, as Ashton clung to him, too stunned to do anything else than hold Calum’s gaze as the boy made him melt where they stood. As Calum made his heart soar and his knees weaken. He kept singing along to the song, leaning in and resting his forehead against Ashton’s hair just before the last verse, his voice singing directly to Ashton’s ear and making him tremble and hug Calum closer, tighter, like even the tiniest inch between them was too much.

At some point the record stopped, white noise filling the room again as Calum sighed against his ear, still trembling and holding him tighter, squeezing. He took a deep breath before he leaned back, facing Ashton, his eyes full of something too big to name yet, even after the song. Ashton knew it, he felt it too.

“I’m not there yet.” Calum whispered, his hands coming up to cup Ashton’s face, his forehead falling into the older’s, eyes never looking away. “I’m not there yet, but I’m falling for you, Ash. So hard. It feels kind of inevitable. Like it was meant to happen all along. Like you and me were always meant to happen.”

Ashton felt more tears spilling from his eyes at that, taking in a shuddery breath, his heart too big for his chest at how Calum was making him feel. Ashton didn’t care it was too soon by society’s standards, he knew. He _knew_. He knew he wanted to see this through to the end, to a very specific end, and by the way Calum was looking at him, making him feel like the most precious thing in the world, by the way his own breath faltered and his heart swelled every time he made Calum laugh, he _knew_. This… this was it.

“I think so too.”

***

“We should get back.” Ashton whispered.

They had donned on their clothes in silence, Calum helping him into his shirt, hands gently sliding over his chest as he buttoned it up, his eyes holding something soft in them as he finished, leaning forward for a peck. They hadn’t even laid back down on the bed, just stayed up, gently swaying even when there was no music, staring into each other’s eyes. And now they really should be hurrying back, because it was already half-past, and they had to get to Michael’s house without looking like they rushed there.

“Do we have to?” Calum sighed, putting on his shoes and standing up, suit jacket already on, and immediately going for Ashton’s open arms.

“You were the one who said you had to be back before first footing, remember?” Ashton whispered in his ear, pressing a kiss on the skin right below it, squeezing the younger boy close.

“Can’t we just start the year by ourselves?”

Calum’s voice was small, like he hadn’t really meant to speak out loud, and Ashton’s heart skipped a beat at it. He knew Calum didn’t really want that, didn’t really want to be far from his family as the year started. But it was nice, fantasising with a way they could just be alone for it, both wrapped up in each other and their feelings, their intimacy, and then go back in time to be with their family and friends at that same time.

“If we had a time-turner, there’s nothing else I’d love to do more.” Ashton sighed, glad that that made Calum crack a smile, his love for Harry Potter showing through and his appreciation for Ashton’s reference showing in the way his eyes sparkled looking back into the older’s. “Unfortunately, we are muggles, and Michael, Luke and your sister are there. I’m also pretty sure your parents know where we escaped to.” He added, this time both of them laughing, their cheeks reddening a bit. “We should go back. You _want_ to go back, I know you do.” He finished, nuzzling Calum’s neck.

“I do, I’m just…” The younger trailed off.

“I know, Cal.” Ashton pressed another kiss to his neck, a barely there brush of his lips, his breath falling against it as he sighed. “I know.”

They gathered their phones and Ashton’s coat and made their way downstairs, hands laced together.

“Why didn’t you want to wear a kilt?” Ashton asked as they hurried down the road, shivering at the wind.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I haven’t worn it in a while. It was my granddad’s. Nan made it for him.” Calum explained. Ashton tightened his hold on Calum’s hand. “Also, it’s fucking cold and there’s wind where there isn’t supposed to be wind.”

That made Ashton laugh, shaking his head at the younger, as he tugged on his hand to make him come closer, pecking him.

“Well, –” He started when he pulled away, a smile stretching his lips at Calum’s blush, “– in case I didn’t make it clear before, I think you look stunning tonight.” He whispered, feeling Calum’s shiver through his clothes. Something told him that hadn’t been the cold.

“We’re going to be late.” Was the only thing Calum answered to him, blush creeping even further as Ashton laughed as Calum started walking down the street again.

They arrived at Michael’s with twenty minutes to spare, Luke and Mali going at it on the Crash Team Racing battle mode, and Calum’s and Michael’s parents still somewhere lost on the house. They only appeared when it was five minutes to midnight, Michael’s mum calling him inside to take the things Calum would need to bring in for good luck as he stepped foot inside the house.

Calum had explained the tradition to him and Luke while Michael and Mali had been playing, earlier that night. His grandparents had done it while they were little, and after a couple of years of not doing it, Michael and him had decided to bring it back. The kilt bet had had nothing to do with it. Michael had just refused to wear it to a wedding they had gone, and Calum had been pissed at him for something or other, and then they had added dressing up for first-footing to the tradition. Ashton and Luke had burst out laughing at that, shaking their heads at an oblivious Michael still dancing in front of the screen.

A minute before midnight, Michael sent Calum outside, handing him a small tray with some coal, a piece of bread, a handful of old coins, salt and whisky, holding the door open as the rest of them huddled up in the hall. Ashton lasted about ten seconds inside before following Calum outside, even without his coat, leaning in closer to him for warmth. Michael was fumbling with the radio, still on Grace’s station, trying to up the volume so they would be able to hear it even from outside.

“Nervous?” He whispered, his eyes twinkling, his right hand reaching to hold Calum’s free one.

“About what exactly?” Calum giggled, shaking his head.

“I don’t know. Next year?” Ashton suggested. “You finishing your studies.”

“I’m not nervous about _that_.” Calum waved off, laughing, although his eyes flitted for a second towards the house. He was quickly back to grinning as he looked at him. “And you? Nervous about anything?”

Ashton looked around the street, a couple of houses near them with their front doors opened too. Luke was talking animatedly with Michael next to the radio, both of them laughing at something or other Mali said. Michael and Calum’s parents were there with whisky glasses on their hands, David wearing some sort of crown on his head that seemed like it had come from a cracker. Ashton’s eyes crossed with Joy’s, the woman sending him a smile and raising her glass a little. Ashton smiled back before turning to look at Calum, who was looking at him quite nervously even despite his earlier claim.

The younger seemed to be waiting for Ashton to answer him, jumping slightly up and down in the cold. His hair was still ruffled; they hadn’t been able to comb it properly before leaving the house, and now there was a strand sticking weirdly near Calum’s ear. His cheeks and nose were red because of the cold outside, even when his hand remained abnormally warm in Ashton’s hold. His eyes were shining, though, something soft and warm in the way he was looking at Ashton, his thumb stroking over his hand softly. Ashton wasn’t nervous.

“I’m starting my year with you, I have nothing to be nervous about.” He whispered.

Just then the countdown from ten started, Ashton’s letting go of Calum’s hand and sneaking his arms around the younger’s waist, drawing him near, mindful of the tray. His lips turned into a smile when Calum raised his free hand, laying it over his beating heart, eyes shining as they held his gaze.

Ashton could hear all the others shouting the countdown along with the radio, some fireworks going off in the distance ahead of time, but he only had eyes for Calum, who was giving him that small smile that drove him crazy, time stilling for a second as the clock struck twelve.

And then they were kissing, a new round of fireworks going off, this time nearer, even if it sounded far, far away to Ashton’s ears.

“I can’t wait to live this year with you.” He whispered against Calum’s lips, dizzy with emotion and so happy he felt tears slipping down his cheeks. His heart felt bigger than his chest, fighting to break out and go to Calum’s, who was also blinking back some tears, smile outshining everything around them.

“Happy New Year, Ash.” The younger breathed back against his lips, hand clutching him closer by his shirt as he brought their foreheads together.

“Happy New Year, Cal.”

***

“Wake up, Ash.”

There was a gentle hand shaking his shoulder, a warm hand. There was a soft giggle, too.

“Waa..” He slurred, his eyes blinking in the darkness, trying to focus on something. Although without his glasses there wasn’t much he could do.

The same hand that had shaken him awake was now slipping his glasses in, Ashton blinking again until he realised it was Calum.

“Come on.” The younger said.

He tugged on Ashton’s hand, handing him some clothes and helping him into them, passing him his boots and kneeling down to help him lace them. He didn’t say a word throughout. Ashton still felt half asleep.

“What time is it?” He whispered.

Everything was black, blackest than normal. It had to be that time right before the dawn broke. And Ashton wondered what the hell was going on Calum’s head to be waking him up in the middle of the night.

“It’s early. I want to show you something.” The younger whispered back, taking his hand and making Ashton fall in line behind him, starting to go down the stairs quietly.

“What thing?”

Calum giggled softly, looking back up to Ashton behind him.

“Trust me.”

Ashton hummed, following him without questioning. He wondered if Luke had left already. But he couldn’t have. It was even more early than what Luke would have had to wake up at to catch the 9 o’clock train. It was way too early. They had finally reached the ground floor, Calum taking two coats out of the rack by the door, Ashton suddenly noticing that they were theirs, and turning to look at Calum again, arching his eyebrows.

“Where are you taking me? I’m sleepy.” He whined, rubbing his eyes under the glasses, trying to will the sleep away. Calum started to laugh softly again, picking something from the receiver and crowding against him, something warm pressing to his hands.

“I made _coffee_.” He smiled triumphant, Ashton’s eyes widening as he hurried to unscrew the top, inhaling the rich smell of coffee wafting up his nose.

“You should’ve started with that.” He sighed, smiling back at the younger.

Calum huffed a laugh at that, fond smile gracing his lips. “Come on, we need to hurry.”

As soon as he said that, he was walking towards the door, holding it open for the older, lighting their way to his parents car with the flashlight in his phone.

“It’s cold.” Ashton whined, hurrying up and walking close to Calum, following him to the car which was suspiciously warm inside once the younger opened the door for him. Calum waited for Ashton to climb in and put on his seatbelt before handing him their coats, stepping around the car and climbing in himself.

“Sun’s not even peeking out yet. What time is it?” He asked again, using the thermos as a hand warmer while he waited for it to cool down enough to drink, mind half-registering that they were taking Calum’s parents’ car.

“Half-past five.”

“What?!” He turned to look at Calum, mouth agape. “Where the hell are we going at half-past five in the morning?”

Calum just smiled enigmatically at him as he turned on the engine, heater immediately starting up.

“You’ll see.”

Ashton shook his head at him, rolling his eyes. He knew whatever it was Calum wanted to show him would most likely be worth it. Plus, Calum was a planner. There was no way in hell he hadn’t planned this in advance, which made Ashton wonder just _how much_ in advance the boy had prepared this surprise.

“What time did you get up?” He said, suddenly concerned with a sleep-deprived Calum behind the wheel. Because they really hadn’t had that much sleep, neither of them.

“Like half an hour ago.” The younger muttered as he put the blinker on, taking them out of the town.

“But we went to sleep at 3.” Ashton mumbled, taking a sip of the coffee. _God, it tasted heavenly_.

“I’ll make it up to you.” Calum answered, eyes focused on the road. “This trip is worth it, you’ll see.” He added, sending him a smile.

“I wasn’t worried about my sleep time, Cal.” He sighed, looking to his right at Calum’s face. “I’m worried about yours. You’ve just come out of a pretty nasty cold.”

“I’m fine, Ash.” The younger assured, his hand falling for a moment to Ashton’s lap, the older already waiting for it with his own hand ready, giving it a squeeze before Calum drew it away, back to the wheel.

“Okay.”

He took another sip from his thermos, swirling the coffee in his mouth as he tasted it, swallowing it down quickly and going for another. There was no other car on sight right now. Just them on the road. Not even trucks. It just spoke of the insanity of this trip. But Ashton trusted Calum, so he stayed shut on that.

They picked up an easy conversation after that, talking about the night before, how all of them had ended up playing Guitar Hero after midnight, Luke giving them all a run for their money. It had surprised the hell out of Ashton, how into it the blonde had been, winning round after round until the other three had had enough embarrassment. They had smoothly switched to just talking in front of the fire after that, astonishingly for Ashton without a mention to alcohol, instead gorging on the cookies Calum’s dad had baked especially for that night and just… Enjoying their time. It had been fun.

At some point Luke had excused himself, saying he really had to get to sleep, and after saying goodbye to him, Ashton had kind of fallen asleep on the sofa, his head pillowed on Calum’s lap. The younger boy had woken him up about an hour later and helped him back to his house after saying thanks to Michael and his parents for having them. Ashton remembered little of the walk back to Calum’s house, and even less about how he had gotten up the stairs. He was sure he had been more than half-asleep during it all. Ashton guessed Calum had undressed them both, too, because when he had woken up a while ago, he had been wearing nothing but his boxers.

Calum had fallen quiet somewhere along Ashton talking about Luke’s Guitar Hero skills and Michael’s sad face last night. The blue-haired boy had tried to be the life of the party, really, he had. But he had also laughed too loudly, smiled too hard not to seem a little forced. It had been abundantly clear how much he was missing Grace, even as he was having a good time with friends. Calum told him they had talked about it while he was asleep last night –well, it had only just been a few hours ago–. Michael had confessed he had thought this trip to be the perfect time to introduce Grace to his parents, and that while he was happy about her promotion, it still saddened him not to have her here.

After trying unsuccessfully to get the younger boy to talk again, Ashton had gotten the message. Calum was eerily pensive, worrying his lip as he tapped methodically on the wheel, eyes never leaving the road in front of him. Ashton sighed and directed his attention to the road too. They were speeding up a motorway now, and Ashton had caught sight of some lake before the road had been engulfed by trees. He was trying to resist the urge to open Google Maps on his phone to see where they were going. Although the suspense was doing it for him too.

They had been driving for close to forty minutes by now, and sky was still dark. The moon shone weakly over them, the branches over their heads framing the view. Everything seemed eerily calm. Even their breaths in the silence seemed calmed.

“What did…” Calum suddenly started, startling him. But then he shook his head, muttering a “Nevermind.”

He went back to tapping along to some kind of rhythm, his lip still caught between his teeth.

“What?” Ashton asked, curious.

“What did my mum say about me yesterday?” Calum said, his tone unlike anything Ashton had heard before. It made his heart feel cold in his chest. “Your voice sounded… off, when you said she talked to you about me.” The boy continued, struggling to get the words out. “Your eyes closed off, too. Like they did on our first date, when we hit some topic like high school that made you think back to Bec.”

Ashton sighed, biting his lower lip. He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to do this even less while Calum was driving on barely any sleep and when everything was so dark around them.

“I know you’re keeping whatever she said from me.” The younger muttered, and it made him feel even guiltier.

“I…”

“It’s okay. I don’t need to know.” He finished, not even glancing towards Ashton. That was the worst.

“Cal…” He sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I should’ve.”

He really should have done it yesterday. But it had seemed a matter better left to be discussed between Calum and his family, and even though Ashton was involved in some way already, he didn’t feel exactly comfortable being in the middle.

“You skirted over it so quickly yesterday that I thought you didn’t want to know. And I didn’t want to get in between.” He mumbled.

Calum nodded, eyes focused on the road.

“I get it. Don’t worry.”

But his tone was still weird, clipped, like he hadn’t being satisfied with the answers he had gotten. And Ashton got that too.

“She said you’re not okay.” He exhaled, extending his hand to Calum’s thigh, leaving it there. His voice resonated in the otherwise silent car. “She said you’re not okay about your Nan and that you’re teetering.” He finished quietly.

“ _Oh_.”

Ashton could see Calum frowning from the side, his hand squeezing down in his knee, trying to offer some sort of support or something.

“She thinks you’re still holding on to some feelings and you don’t share them.”

“I share them.” Calum answered quickly, clicking his tongue. He was trying to calm his breathing, inhaling slowly through his nose. This was why Ashton didn’t want to do this in the car.

“I know you do.” He hurried to answer, adding calmly. “I told her you _do_.”

“I haven’t kept any of that from you, Ash.” Calum turned to look at him, meeting his eyes quickly before focusing back on the road. “I promise.”

“I know you haven’t, Cal.” Ashton squeezed his knee again, smiling at him even when he doubted Calum could see him. He was debating whether to say it or not, but he was already mixed up in all of this, so… “Maybe you could tell them too, when you feel ready.”

Calum’s reaction wasn’t exactly what he would have expected. The boy chuckled, mirthlessly, shaking his head.

“All that I’ve told you they already know. She already knows.” Calum explained, his eyes darting towards him. Then he drew a deep breath and started talking. “I told her, the same day I came back thinking I was going to say goodbye only to find them already mourning. I told her. That I felt I hadn’t been able to say goodbye. That part of me, in the heat of it, put the blame on them for lying to me.”

Ashton couldn’t help the way his eyes widened, his mouth hang slightly open.

“You told her that right there at the _wake_?”

“I wasn’t thinking straight, okay?” Calum defended himself, his voice strained. “I told her I was sorry, that I probably just felt that because my mind was looking at ways to cover up the hurt I felt at losing my grandma.” The younger was gripping the wheel forcefully, knuckles turning white. Ashton had half a mind to suggest they stop the car to continue the conversation. But then Calum took a deep breath, relaxing his fingers and exhaling. “We’ve never talked about it afterwards.”

“Because she didn’t try…” Ashton said slowly, filling in the blanks.

“Yeah.” Calum’s voice was subdued, like he had lost whatever force it had been driving him before.

He looked defeated, staring up ahead, eyes focused on the road. His breathing had become steady again, so steady it showed he was controlling it. Inhaling four seconds, holding for seven, exhaling for eight. He was repeating it, time and time and time again, Ashton’s hand still draped over his knee, his eyes fixed on the younger’s chest as it went up and down.

Ashton felt obligated to keep sharing the conversation he had had with his mum. Felt like once he had started, he had to finish telling Calum _everything_ he and his mum had discussed.

“Calum.” He started, trying to catch his attention. The boy glanced to him, the way his mouth was set letting Ashton know he was listening. “Cal, she thinks you don’t feel ready to talk about it yet. She has been waiting for you to come to her, to them. She thought you would.”

“What?” He was clearly fighting the impulse to turn to look at Ashton, but his eyes kept glancing his way whenever he could take them from the road for a second.

“Mali mentioned it too.” Ashton continued, squeezing his hold on Calum’s leg, his thumb drawing circles over his trousers. “That she and your dad had tried to talk to you about it, and your mum told them you needed the space to process it on your own.”

“ _Great._ ” Calum huffed, suddenly hitting the wheel and making Ashton retreat his hand, stunned. “Fucking great.” The younger muttered.

Ashton was looking at him, mouth agape and wide eyed. He had never seen Calum short of losing his temper. It scared him a little. It scared him even more Calum hadn’t lost it earlier, though. He had way too many reasons for it. Yet this hadn’t seemed like an expression of anger, just a release of pent-up frustrations.

Ashton didn’t want to make it worse, but when he was already so deep in, what was a little more?

“Why were you working the day we met even when you had that awful sprain?” He whispered, his eyes shifting carefully between the road ahead of them and Calum. They were driving by a lake now, an immense lake.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Calum asked. But it didn’t sound angry or anything, just curious. There was the beginning of what looked like a smile pulling on his lips, too.

“Trust me?” Ashton smiled tentatively at him, happy when Calum smiled back, sparing a look to his eyes before looking back before them.

“We were short on staff.” He sighed. “Mike had been covering shifts that weren’t his, trying to keep the store running smoothly. He was exhausted, wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep.”

“So you didn’t tell him you couldn’t walk. Kept working.” Ashton realised, taking in a deep breath.

“I could _walk_.” Calum protested, laughing, before adding quietly, “Just not on two legs.”

Ashton hummed. He didn’t want his hunch to be true, he didn’t want what he had said to Joy to be true, but… Calum had just kind of confirmed it.

“Your mum said you sprained your wrist while Mali had her arm in a cast and they didn’t find out until days later.” He said softly, eyes settling on his hands. He was afraid to look up and meet Calum’s eyes.

“I–” The younger started, stopping himself and inhaling slow, letting the breath out even slower. “I’m not some self-sacrificing weirdo, Ash. The things from when I was little, well,… I _was_ weird. But–. I didn’t think my ankle was that bad, okay? The two are completely unrelated. And Michael needed the help.”

Ashton nodded. A couple of seconds passed until he realised Calum couldn’t see him, that he had to speak up.

“But you thought your pain was less than his.” He muttered, still wary of how Calum would respond. “Look, I didn’t even want to talk about this, Cal. I’m sorry.” He proceeded, finally glancing up, extending his hand again for Calum’s knee, looking at the way the younger was just staring straight ahead, his eyes not leaving the road. “I just… Your pain for losing your Nan is as valid as anyone’s. I would hate for you to think it’s not.” He concluded, some tears rushing to his eyes.

He hadn’t wanted to start talking about this. Somewhere deep inside he knew they would end up like this, and even when they weren’t fighting, when this was a thing between Calum and his family, it still very much left him feeling as anguished as he would if they _were_ fighting. And he couldn’t take the fact that Calum would just put himself down like that. He hadn’t with him. Ashton didn’t really know about everything else.

“I know.” Calum whispered, his hand reaching down for Ashton’s, giving his hand a squeeze before gripping the wheel again. His voice sounded like he was trying to hold back tears. But the boy blinked quickly, not a single one falling out. “I _know_ , Ash. It’s just… And I know I should talk about how I’m feeling with them, but I… I let time stretch too much. Mali’s already dealt with it, and Dad feels like he’s miles away from me. I don’t–” Calum stopped, swallowing like there was some knot on his throat, his hand flying to wipe the corner of his eye. “I just don’t want to make them go back.” He mumbled.

Ashton’s heart broke. Because he understood Calum’s reticence. He understood it. He hadn’t wanted to talk to Otto for such a long time, afraid it would just be worse for them both. And then he had called him, and it had felt like another cog falling into place in the process. Another thing that helped him move on. And it had been Calum the one who suggested it. Suggested he call Otto. He owed that to Calum, too.

“Start with your mum, then.” He offered.

He knew it wouldn’t be exactly easy, not with the way things had warped and gotten distorted over time. But Calum needed _–wanted–_ to talk to his family, Ashton _knew_. He just maybe needed a little push and some time to come to terms with the fact that he deserved that too. He deserved to have someone to lean on.

“I’ll think about it.” Calum finally mumbled, his eyes meeting Ashton’s for a moment.

The car fell silent after that, Ashton going back to look through the windows and dashboard, his hand remaining on Calum’s thigh. He just felt like he needed the contact, right now. Not only for Calum, but for himself too.

They still were driving along the shore of the lake, Calum checking billboards attentively. They had only passed five cars in the whole way here from Calum’s house. It was abundantly clear that today was a bank holiday.

“Are we good?” He asked Calum.

He felt like they were, but his stupid brain was still doubting it.

“What?” The younger asked, confused. He was glancing at him worriedly.

“Are we okay? Like, after that?” Ashton prompted again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Calum let out a breath, putting the blinker on and reducing their speed, veering into a small patch of grass on the side of the road, slowly taking the car to a stop.

“You don’t stop the car for the duration of that whole previous conversation and you stop for this?” Ashton gaped at him, astounded.

Calum was unbuckling his seatbelt, turning to face him.

“I needed to see your eyes for this.” The younger gave as the only explanation. “Ash, you don’t have to apologise for not telling me, okay? I… I bullied you into telling me, and that was _not_ okay.” Calum extended his hands, taking Ashton’s in his. “I made you tell me even when I knew I was putting you in an uncomfortable position by doing so because I just… I _needed_ to _know_.” He finished, exhaling, squeezing down on Ashton’s hands as he looked away.

“And you deserved to know, Cal.” Ashton sighed. “I shouldn’t even have talked with your mum about you in the first place, not about _that_.”

_Not behind your back._

“No, Ash. _She_ shouldn’t have talked to you.” Ashton made a protest sound, but Calum raised one finger to his mouth, silencing him. “ _We_ are okay, Ash. And before you even ask, my mum and I, we are okay too. We need to talk things through, but… That thing you saw before, me punching the wheel…” Calum trailed off. “I am sorry you had to see that, and that I put you in danger while I was driving. I am so sorry.”

Ashton just nodded, stunned into silence.

“Just like you said you had to work on your stuff on your own, I have to work on mine. With my family.” Calum went on, his eyes sadly looking into his. “I shouldn’t have forced you to be in the middle, Ashton. I should have been the one my mum had that conversation with.”

Ashton took a deep breath, his hand coming up to cup Calum’s jaw, thumb gently brushing his cheek.

“You don’t have to apologise.” He said. The rest went probably without saying.

Calum tightened his hold on his hand for a second before he drew Ashton in for a hug, both of them stretched over the console. It was slightly uncomfortable, but the older didn’t care. He returned the hug as hard as he could, his mouth finding residence on the side of Calum’s neck, just underneath his ear.

“I’m sorry.” Calum mumbled into his ear, making him just tighten the hug.

“Cal.” He whispered, leaving a kiss on the younger’s neck.

Calum buried his head into his shoulder then, some tears dampening the sweater Ashton was wearing. But he didn’t make any sound. It didn’t last long, either, the boy wiping away his tears and sitting back properly on his seat, putting on the seatbelt and turning on the right blinker.

“Where are we going?” Ashton asked one more time, already expecting Calum to deviate the question with a _‘Surprise’_.

“Tarbet.” The younger exhaled, getting back into the road. “We only have ten minutes left.”

“Why so early?” Ashton chuckled, looking around them. It was still pitch-black. Clock marked six twenty. In the morning. And they were driving to this place. Ashton still hadn’t been able to wrap his head around it.

“You will see.”

At that he snorted, finally bringing back a smile to Calum’s face. Ashton felt immensely relieved that he had gotten him to smile again, and not self-deprecatingly or jokingly. It was a real smile.

Just as Calum had said, ten minutes later they were arriving into a small village along the shore, a couple of bigger buildings and a pier completing the space. The younger drove them to a parking spot, slowly taking the car to a stop and killing the engine off, turning to look at Ashton.

“Put on your coat. I brought warmers and stuff, but we need to be outside for this.”

“For what exactly?” Ashton arched his eyebrows, fishing his coat from where he had thrown it in the back and putting it on, nonetheless.

“Sunrise.” Calum smiled, leaning over for a peck, chuckling quietly before putting his own coat on, offering Ashton a pair of gloves and a beanie.

The older stayed still for a second, wide eyed at Calum’s statement. He had brought them, to an hour away from his house, just to watch the sunrise with him? Ashton was about to melt. He put on the gloves quickly, stepping out of the car and joining Calum in the back, who was fishing around the boot for some stuff Ashton hadn’t even known it was there. There was even a picnic basket. Ashton reached for it, but Calum swatted his hand away playfully, saying that was their lunch. He instead picked another two thermos and a Tupperware, gesturing Ashton to pick up two wool blankets before closing the boot and leading Ashton to the front of the car.

They both climbed atop of it, the bonnet still heated up from the motor running all the way here serving as a perfect source of heat. Calum had parked the car just right, facing a dip in the snowy mountains were the sky was already beginning to turn slightly less dark. The lake was calm, no wind there to cause ripples through the surface. It almost seemed like a mirror, reflecting the moon and stars up above, everything still a bluish hue.

Calum was just finishing wrapping them both up in blankets, offering Ashton one of the thermos and opening his own, taking a big gulp.

“You’re insane, you know. Driving up here in the middle of the night.” Ashton whispered, shaking his head. “You’re also the most romantic person I have ever met.”

Calum turned pink at that, bashfully shying away from him, as he took another sip from his tea.

“I wanted to watch the first sunrise of the year with you.” He mumbled after a while, hiding his face in Ashton’s shoulder, pressing his lips there.

The older blinked, looking down to Calum, something big constricting his heart and leaving him speechless, unable to answer. He could only stay there, staring at Calum as his heart went crazy, his legs trembling even as he was seated.

He felt the boy searching for his hand under the blanket, taking it up to his lips and dropping a kiss on Ashton’s knuckles, sighing against them. And then he pointed up to a patch of the sky just beneath the crescent moon.

“You see that shining dot beneath the moon?” He whispered, turning his face up so he was looking at Ashton. “That’s Venus. It shines brighter just before the dawn breaks.”

Calum’s eyes were shining too, rivalling even the moon up above. They drew Ashton in, his left hand turning Calum’s chin up so he could lean forward and claim his lips, gently, just a brush, breathing each other in.

“Thank you for this. I love it.” He sighed against Calum’s mouth, his nose bumping fondly with the boy’s. When he opened his eyes Calum’s were still closed, his lips hovering just a breath away from Ashton’s. So he closed them again and leaned back in.

They stayed there trading kisses in the quiet as the sky started to light up around them, only stopping so Calum could take a seat between Ashton’s legs, his back to the older’s chest, both of them waiting in the cold for the sun to finally peek out of the horizon. It was beautiful to watch. It was even more beautiful having Calum in his arms, his eyes reflecting the gleaming sun as it started its way up the sky.

They had breakfast there too before retreating inside the car and putting the heater on for some minutes. Calum had surprised him again, taking a box out of the boot and setting up an air mattress in the back seat and boot after clearing it and bending the seats. Both of them had crawled into it and settled down together, even if it was a bit cramped –more of a lot, but Ashton wouldn’t dream of complaining about that if it meant he could cuddle with his favourite person–. He felt a yawn coming up his throat, letting it out as he felt Calum’s chest rumble with soft laughter.

“You can go to sleep if you want.” Calum whispered.

Ashton was half asleep already, to be honest, head pillowed on Calum’s chest as the younger combed through his hair, humming sweet melodies to him.

“I don’t want to sleep.” He mumbled.

“Liar.” Calum giggled.

Things had been good after the conversation on the car that morning, but Ashton still felt a weird pull on his chest when he thought about it. He didn’t know if he should voice his thoughts or not.

He closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the way the boy’s fingers continued to brush through his hair. Calum had fallen silent, though, the only sound heard was that of their breathing. Ashton reached a hand blindly for the other boy who laced their fingers together after a sigh.

“When did you prepare all this?” He mumbled, turning his head up so he could at least see a sliver of the younger’s face. “I was with you the whole time.”

“Days you were napping.” Calum giggled. “Michael helped me, he brought stuff from Cambridge for us. The mattress is his.”

Ashton hummed, his head falling down again on the younger’s chest, steady heartbeat right below his ear. Calum’s fingers in his hair were making him feel even more sleepy, the younger doing just the thing to get him on the brink of falling asleep. It was like he was doing it on purpose.

“Mali helped out too.” He sighed, and Ashton could see the smile on his lips even without looking at him. He always smiled when he talked about Mali.

“Mali helped?”

“She _likes_ you.” Calum giggled. “She really does. She helped me pack lunch yesterday while you were in the shower.”

“Oh.” Ashton turned to look at him, craning his head and smiling when he saw the happiness in Calum’s eyes. He had been right to fear the judgement Mali passed of him that first day, because it was abundantly clear that Calum held her opinion in a very high regard. “I like her too.”

That made Calum smile even harder, manoeuvring them both until they were lying side by side, leaning in and nuzzling Ashton’s nose, leaving a peck on his cheek.

Ashton went in for another peck, this time targeting the younger’s lips, breathing the younger in and sighing through the kiss, his eyes slipping shut again, Calum’s hand still holding his hair.

“What do we have for lunch?” He whispered after a while, curious about the picnic basket they had moved to the front of the car.

It was one of those ridiculously clichéd baskets, blue and white chequered tablecloth included. Ashton would probably be lying if he said the whole romantic picnic trope wasn’t making him melt down in a puddle of feelings, even if it was kind of cheesy. He _liked_ cheesy, and he _liked_ Calum. And he was sure the younger boy had known exactly what this whole plan would do to him while he was preparing the outing.

“I made sandwiches and coleslaw. There’re crisps too. Cheese. Fruits for snacks.” Calum said, and Ashton’s mouth started salivating even if it was nowhere near the time for lunch. Maybe they could break in some of those crisps. “And Michael bought us dessert. They are may be a bit stale, but–”

“Oh, my god.” Ashton cut in, eyes wide when he realised what they probably had for dessert. “Did you have Michael go buy baklavas before driving up home?”

“I like them too, you know?” Calum protested, Ashton cutting his whine short when he leaned forward for a kiss, smiling softly when he pulled away.

“Thank you, Cal.” He added quietly, Calum scrunching up his face at the Ashton before gifting him with a smile.

They stayed there looking into each other’s eyes for a while, Calum resuming his brushing on Ashton’s scalp, sending up shivers down his spine by how delicately he moved his fingers some times.

Calum had a lost look in his eyes, though, smile slipping away from his lips and replaced by a sad turn in the corner of his mouth. He looked deep in thought too. His eyes were still locked with Ashton’s, but it seemed like that wasn’t at all what he was seeing.

Ashton’s own thoughts had gone back to their talk that morning, remembering just how sad the younger had looked by the end of it, how sad he had looked when he admitted he had things to work through with his family.

“I’m sorry, for earlier.”

It seemed like Calum’s mind had gone to the same place as his, only the boy was focusing on the wrong details of what had happened in Ashton’s opinion.

“I already told you you didn’t have to apologise.” He whispered.

“No, but I _need_ to.” Calum whispered back, worrying his lower lip.

“Okay.”

Calum’s hand that was holding his was now playing with his fingers, his eyes cast down and fixed on them, as if he was trying to distract himself from going forward even when it had been him the one to breach the subject. He stayed looking down for a couple more seconds, Ashton just giving him the time, before the younger finally whispered.

“I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. You can’t say you weren’t.” Calum looked up again after that, meeting Ashton’s gaze just as he was about to speak.

His whole face willed Ashton to wait, from the purse of his lips to the determination in his eyes, so the older bit his tongue, kept silent. Calum squeezed his hand a couple of times before taking a deep breath as he closed his eyes, the purse on his lips tightening for a moment before he sighed, opening his eyes again.

“It’s just… Something kind of broke between us after I told my mum that thing at the wake. And it was my fault that it broke.” He mumbled.

There was a sadness there that was almost intangible, almost invisible to the eye and the ear if you didn’t know where to look for. But Ashton had been learning each and every tone of voice of Calum’s, from his tired voice to his amused one, his outwardly sad voice and his turned on one. This one was new. This one seemed completely normal, not even his eyes misting up, but… It was there. The sadness and the doubt and the regret were all there, colouring the deep end of his voice. And Ashton’s heart throbbed at it.

“I used to be a lot closer with Mali and Dad, too.” The younger sighed again, wincing. “It’s my fault too that I am not anymore.”

That made Ashton winced too, unable to hide the pang of hurt he felt at hearing Calum saying it. But, it wasn’t something unrepairable.

“They still love you more than anything, Cal.” He whispered, freeing his hand from Calum’s for a moment so he could brush away the hair from the younger’s face, cup his cheek. Ashton had seen it in their gazes, he had heard it in the way they talked with Calum. He had felt the sheer amount of _love_ filling that house. “You can fix it.”

“I know. I want to.” Calum whispered back, this time sadness way more pronounced in his tone as some tears escaped his eyes. “It’s just… It’s hard. I was the one who pushed them away, Ashton. I did this to myself.” He concluded, more tears sliding down his cheeks, Ashton’s thumb brushing them away.

“I don’t think they hold it over you, Cal. You shouldn’t, either.” He was sure, in fact, that at least Mali didn’t. He doubted Calum’s father did either. Mali hadn’t given him that sense when she had spoken about Calum avoiding coming back. She had just seemed sad that she couldn’t do anything to help him. “I’m pretty sure they know _why_ you did it.”

The younger let out a snort at that, rubbing his eyes with his hand before he covered Ashton’s on his jaw.

“Well, yeah, of course they do. It wasn’t very subtle in my part.” He laughed again.

Ashton tried smiling, but that sad tone was lingering even through the laughter, and he hated it consuming Calum’s voice. It distorted it, made it sound like it wasn’t his voice at all. Ashton would do anything to make it go away.

“Everything will work out, Cal.” He whispered, thumb stroking over his cheek, trying to get the younger to believe him. “I know it will.”

“Okay.” Calum answered, his voice smaller than Ashton had ever heard.

“And I will be there for you.”

“I know.”

It would probably take time to fix everything, for Calum to feel comfortable again sharing his life with his family. But Ashton had no doubt he would get there. And Ashton would be ready for him to lean on every step of the way.

***

It had been a cold and crisp day, almost no clouds in sight, sun shining bright above their heads without its usual warmth. Calum was insisting now that they _had_ to walk up the hillside of the mountain to watch the sunset. Ashton really had to learn how to say no to him, but he had a feeling it would still take him quite some time. Especially when Calum was smiling at him as softly as he was now, eyes twinkling with a playful glint, hand outstretched between them as he willed the older to take it. And of course Ashton had.

His heart had been doing somersaults all day, every time Calum turned to look at him with a smile on his face, all traces of sadness gone from his eyes after a long cuddle and some long hours talking. Calum had eventually relaxed in his arms after a good cry, had actually fallen asleep mid-morning, Ashton watching over him as he rested, tears drying on his cheeks.

Ashton had felt his own heart giving a hurtful throb as Calum told him of the guilt he felt over pushing Mali away every time she had tried to talk to him about his Nan. Told him of how guilty he felt over not having been there for his father when he knew his father had needed him to. For having said what he said to his mum at the wake, causing the rift. Ashton had heard his own feelings reflected on Calum’s voice, his own guilt resurfacing in his chest at having basically fled his home. He was now suffering his rashness every time he missed a big moment in Harry and Lauren’s lives, in his mum’s. He was missing _everything_. And it was his fault.

He had ended up falling asleep too, Calum shaking him awake what felt like only minutes later. The boy had waved the picnic basket in front of his face, holding a bottle of Irn Bru in the other, a smile brightening up his whole face even when his eyes remained red-rimmed.

After lunch Calum had driven them to another village in the middle of the mountains, nestled at the head of another lake. He said the sunset was better from there, and Ashton had completely believed him. After all, even after watching countless sunrises on the beach back in Sydney, the one from that morning had been as beautiful if not more than the ones Ashton remembered back home. If Calum said the view of the sunset was better on this place, Ashton trusted that it would be. Plus, the village was absolutely beautiful on its own, most of the buildings still covered in Christmas decorations and fairy lights. Paired with the snowy mountains and the holiday spirit everything seemed to still hold, it felt like a winter wonderland. Ashton was kind of in love with the place.

Calum looked so earnest now, pulling on his hand as they left the parking behind, climbing up a barely signalled path towards where he said there was a viewpoint, that Ashton could do nothing else but follow him. There was a smile constantly pulling on his lips as he kept a watchful eye on the boy, Calum climbing up way faster than he should, today eyes trained on the ground where he was stepping.

They started seeing snow on the ground after some time. It wasn’t fresh, had more like turned into ice with time, and Ashton clutched Calum’s hand tighter with a growing fear of the younger slipping and injuring himself. They kept going up a few more minutes, snow now covering almost all the ground around them, Calum leading them to a clear in the trees, a slightly raised rock platform on the terrain giving them a perfect lookout towards the village below and the lake and the mountains towering over them. It was… Ashton was speechless.

Calum turned to look at him, releasing his hand and climbing atop the platform, letting out a scream at the top of his lungs standing at the edge of the rock, laughing freely afterwards, smiling like a lunatic with his hair a mess from the wind.

“I promised you snow, didn’t I?” The younger shouted, spinning in circles with his hands opened wide, smile lightening up his whole face.

“Yeah, you did.” Ashton laughed, joining him up on the rock, shaking his head at Calum’s antics but giving in when the younger challenged him to let out a scream like his. A couple of people walking down below near the shore turned to them, their figures as small as ants even when Calum and he hadn’t climbed that far. Ashton was kind of stunned, trying to take it all in, looking around with his eyes wide, Calum’s contagious giggles making him laugh in return. He felt _alive_.

Calum made him feel alive. His kind eyes. His beautiful smile. His voice. His _mind._ Everything about the younger boy made him _feel_.

Yes, Ashton was paying the price for having left Australia in such a hurry, he hadn’t hugged his family in close to a year, but… If he had stayed… If he hadn’t flown to the other side of the world… He would never had met Calum. He would never have felt like this, free in the middle of nowhere, screaming at the top of his lungs, laughing until he doubled over clutching his stomach. He would never have felt this _alive_ again.

Or maybe he would have, eventually, with the help of family and friends back home. With the pass of time, he probably would have.

Thing was… that he couldn’t imagine how that would have been like. He couldn’t imagine what his life would have been like without Cambridge, without Luke, without _Calum_. Not anymore. And he didn’t want to imagine it either.

The boy had changed his life forever, whether he knew it or not. Ashton was falling for him more and more every day, he was falling in love with the way his voice sounded in the morning, just woken up. He was falling in love with his smiles. With his laughter, and his warm eyes, and his passion for everything he did, with everything he believed in. He was falling in love with his words, his mind, his kindness. His sense of humour, his body, everything _Calum_ was.

Ashton was falling for him hard and fast, and there was nothing he wanted more.

His feelings for Calum were big and scary, unlike anything he had ever felt before. They made his heart beat out of his chest; they made him lose his breath, grow dizzy and unsteady on his feet. They made him feel weak at just the right words from Calum’s mouth; they made him feel strong with just the feel of Calum’s steady heartbeat under his hand.

His love for Bec had grown gradually over the years. It had grown along with them as they grew up together. It had flourished with time.

What he felt for Calum… It was overwhelming at the same time it was easy. It was like breathing, slow, and then gulping air way too quickly. It changed like the tides. It moved with a rhythm. It was the best feeling he had ever felt. It was… It was too big to name.

He stared at Calum, the boy peering down at the village, his eyes thoughtful, that small smile still playing on his lips, the happiness still shining in his eyes. Ashton crowded into him, circling his waist with his arms and pulling him close to his chest, burying his face in his hair, inhaling him in. Calum smelled like his mint shampoo, like the firewood from Mike’s place last night, like his cologne. He smelt like something Ashton had come to associate with the younger, something sweet and undeniably _Calum_. Ashton could stay in there for days.

Calum squeezed his arm where it curled around his stomach, his hand tracing random patterns up and down Ashton’s sleeve, his eyes lost in the scenery as the sun got closer to the mountains, rays shining through a stray cloud, making them highlight some parts of the lake. The younger looked more relaxed than Ashton had seen him the whole day, resting against him, breathing deeply, cheeks still flushed from the screaming before.

“I love just how _blue_ the sky’s here, always have.” He suddenly breathed out, turning around in Ashton’s embrace so he could meet his eyes. “Everything around it and below it’s slightly blue, isn’t it?” He pressed, his eyes going back to their surroundings. “Even the snow in the lane. And the lake. Especially as the sun keeps going down.” Ashton was transfixed staring at Calum’s features as the younger talked, something warm coming from his words like it meant more to him than he was letting on. “I find it beautiful.” He muttered.

“It _is_ beautiful.” Ashton whispered back, squeezing him. Calum was looking up ahead, his breath puffing out in front of him as the cold air made it look like smoke. “I’ve never understood your thing with blue, though. Why do you like it so much?” Ashton laughed. He really had never met anyone so bent on defending and liking a colour like Calum was with blue.

The younger turned to look at him, letting out a soft laugh. His eyes twinkled like he knew something Ashton didn’t. He seemed almost amused at the question, making Ashton let out a nervous laugh, his eyes questioning the younger’s. Calum was still observing him, a small smile curling his lips.

“Blue is…” He started, trailing off as his eyes shifted away, body turning to watch the sunset. He breathed in deep, sending Ashton a smile before he prompted, “You know how people associate colours with emotions?”

Ashton frowned, not really knowing where Calum was trying to lead him with that.

“Like, yellow is happiness and green’s hope and that stuff?”

Calum nodded, quietly. His eyes were lost somewhere on the lakeshore now, the wind picking up and howling in their ears. It was that time of the afternoon were everything was shining, sun about to dip down below the mountains. The sight could punch anyone’s breath out of their chests. Calum’s skin was glowing, reflecting the last rays of sun. The view of the sunset here at the lake could be breathtaking, but Calum was the one making Ashton’s breath fall short. His hair still ruffled, his smile serene and happy, his eyes so fond. It made his heart melt, his head grow dizzy. Calum was gorgeous.

Ashton knew the boy had noticed him staring, because the corner of his lips quirked up, his eyes crinkling before he turned to look at him, taking his hand out of his pocket, grabbing Ashton’s from his hip, lacing their fingers.

“Blue…” He whispered, small smile on his lips, his free hand coming up to comb back some of Ashton’s locks that were misbehaving with the wind. “Blue is _love_ for me, Ash.”

Calum looked so serious, his big brown eyes shining, reflecting the sun. They looked glossy too. Ashton felt a lump rise in his throat. Calum looked a little nervous, like admitting this was somehow defining, like he feared how Ashton would react to it. Like this thing was more than just important to him. His hand was trembling slightly as it cupped Ashton’s jaw, his eyes shifting between his.

“Blue?” Ashton exhaled, entranced by his eyes. “Not red?”

Calum shook his head, quickly. Tightening his hold on Ashton’s jaw, stroking softly over his cheekbone.

“Red’s anxious, tense. Love shouldn’t be.” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Then he chuckled. “Well. It _has_ to be, sometimes. Lust, want…” He winked at Ashton, “Those are red in love. But in the end? Love is _blue_.”

Calum was almost desperately looking into Ashton’s eyes now, desperate to get him to understand. He was clutching his forearms, eyes serious and big, fixed on the older’s. Ashton felt this was important to him, extremely, but he still was unclear as to _why_.

The younger boy looked down to the lakeshore, his eyes following a family walking alongside it, a smile making its way to his face, illuminating it again. Calum drew in a deep breath, facing him, his smile widening a bit.

“I can see all these different hues. From all the people I love.” Calum continued, bringing their foreheads together, eyes shining now more than ever, misty with tears. “They’re _all the hues of blue_ , surrounding me.”

Ashton’s breath hitched in his throat at the emotion behind Calum’s words, like talking about this was like bearing his heart out. Calum was looking at him with such raw emotion, such fierce _love_ shining through…

And still. Ashton thought blue and remembered Bec’s skin getting cold as she lied on that sidewalk. He thought blue, and he shivered, even more unwanted memories flooding his brain.

“But blue is cold.” He muttered, blinking a couple of times to clear his eyes, Calum letting go, pulling away for a moment as he studied him.

“What about blue fire?” Calum smiled cheekily at him, even going as far as winking.

Ashton let out an involuntary chuckle at it, fondness spreading through his arteries like that blue fire Calum just mentioned.

“Blue doesn’t _have to be_ cold.” Calum insisted, his eyes back to shifting rapidly between Ashton’s, his tone back to serious, his eyes filled with tears threatening to fall. “It’s not cold, for me.” He pressed. “They say space is cold and yet desire to know more about it burns with a passion in me. _Cold_ is relative. I think the same of the colour blue.”

Ashton almost felt Calum’s passion cursing through his veins underneath the skin he could touch, the fire in his eyes. It shone as bright as the sun setting on the mountains, casting its light on them like a warm blanket. 

“I’ve always felt blue as sadness, as loss.” Ashton mumbled, looking away. He felt the past reaching towards him with its cold fingers, trying to get him again, trying to paint his world blue. Wind was picking up, and not even Calum’s body heat was helping against his shivers.

“Is it, really?” Calum asked him, voice gentle and eyes filled with emotion. “You’re sad because you miss them. You miss them because you _love_ them.” Ashton gasped quietly at that, almost didn’t catch when Calum mumbled, “At least that’s it for me.”

The younger boy had gone back to looking at the sunset, taking his warm touch away with him, Ashton being left to stay there, processing. He had never seen it from that angle, had never even thought about love and pain and loss coming from the same place, being rooted in the same feeling. Calum was right.

He missed Bec because he had loved her, _still_ loved her. Maybe the blue reaching from his past that Ashton had been so intent on escaping from wasn’t at all what he should be afraid off. Maybe he should have let it get to him, learned to live with it and accept it as a love he had had and a love he had lost. Learned to know that that blue was a part of him. It coursed through his veins the same way his feelings for Calum coursed through them. Ashton should have let those feelings strengthen him instead of burying them deep.

Calum was gazing at the horizon, his eyes fixed somewhere far, hands back in his pockets, trying to keep from the cold, most likely. He had been so captivated by his profile, it almost made Ashton jump when the boy started talking again, his voice unbelievably soft.

“My Nan was a deep, rich blue, darkened with time. Granddad’s the colour of those Forget-me-nots that reminded Nan so much of him.” Calum sighed, Ashton’s eyes growing wide, his hand reaching for the boy’s as he listened to him, transfixed. “Mali’s a bright teal, unique and original. That’s why I pointed that moon pendant to you for Christmas. It was just _her._ ”

Ashton’s breath was caught up in his chest, knot forming on his throat without him even knowing why. Calum was shaking his head with a laugh, biting his lip as he looked back at Ashton for a moment before he turned around. He pointed at the sky behind them already darkening above the top of the trees and the snowy top.

“Michael’s indigo, the colour of the night sky just after dusk, stars beginning to shine.” He laughed again, his eyes bright when they met Ashton. “I keep telling him to dye his hair that shade but he never listens. Although he’s rocking blue grey now.” 

Ashton laughed, imagine Calum trying to convince Michael to dye his hair a certain colour. He didn’t have a doubt that he would get the other boy to do it someday.

Calum had grown pensive now, the expression on his face a little more guarded, a little less certain. Ashton bit his lip as he waited for the boy to continue.

“Mum’s colour changes all the time, like the ocean. But there’s always this shine, this warmth to it.” Calum mumbled, blinking quickly.

Ashton noticed the younger’s eyes were filled with tears, but he had managed not to spill any yet. And he still had Ashton enchanted, the older hanging onto every word coming out of the boy’s mouth like it was water in the middle of a desert.

“Dad’s sky blue, like it was this morning. Crisp. Bright. His feels calmer, dependable.” Calum whispered, and Ashton shivered. “His never changes. His is steady.”

Sun had almost dipped down below the horizon, only a tiny line left, rays shining bright as they cut horizontally through the atmosphere.

“Sometimes they all mesh together.” Calum smiled, his hand gesturing all around them, where everything had that bluish hue paired with the last of the golden light from the sun. “Sometimes I just see this wonderful blue palette, all the hues together, meshing and complementing each other.”

It was just then that Ashton realised the importance of the throw Calum had gotten him. All those hues of blue, running together in that tartan, complementing each other, helping each colour stand up but at the same time being part of the same piece. It all made sense now, Calum’s hesitance when Ashton opened it, worried he wouldn’t like it because it was _blue_. Because ever since they met each other, Ashton had tried to run away from all things blue, even the Christmas lights at Cambridge. But not when it came to Calum, he realised. His sweater the night of the bonfire. His jumper on their first date. The colour of the night sky Calum was so in love with. The blue flower that was safely tucked into Ashton’s wallet. The _throw_ itself.

There was only one thing Ashton wanted to ask now, breathing in deep as he tried to control his rapidly beating heart, trying to swallow past that annoying knot on his throat, blinking away the tears that had gathered in his eyelashes without him even noticing.

“So, which colour am I?”

Calum closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as a single tear fell out of the corner of his eye. But he was smiling. That smile that led Ashton crazy those first three weeks before they met again. That smile Ashton woke up to now, the smile he would love to wake up to every single day of his life if fate allowed. The year had just started, but it did with Calum holding hand over his chest, their eyes locked, their hearts beating as one.

Calum opened his eyes, finally. They were soft, emotion steady and warm, his irises shining more than ever, an undercurrent of _something_ burning hot and glowing, expanding a brilliant light all through Calum’s face.

And then.

“You’re golden.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you who had ever read, have left kudos, comments,...  
> Thank you.  
> From the bottom of my heart, from my whole soul, thank you.  
> You don't know how much each and every one of those means to me. I hope you've enjoyed the ride with me on this. 
> 
> (And you all deserve infinite life kudos if you read through the cringeworthy attempt at smut xD)  
> (Also, I am sorry for the cliffhanger at the end but… That means… You haven't heard the last of these characters! They will come back eventually 😉)
> 
> Love you all 💙

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! ^^  
> ______________________  
> I don't think this is needed but just in case: I explicitely do not give permission for anyone to post, reproduce or create derivative content based on this elsewhere.


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